Seinfeld s03e01 Episode Script

Every time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best.
"This guy's the best.
" They can't all be the best.
There can't be this many bests.
Someone's graduating at the bottom of these classes.
Where are these doctors? Is somewhere someone saying to their friend: "You should see my doctor.
He's the worst.
Oh, yeah.
He's the worst.
He's the absolute worst there is.
Whatever you've got, it'll be worse after you see him.
He's just a-- He's a butcher.
The man's a butcher.
" Then there's always that, "Make sure you tell him that you know me.
" Why? What's the difference? He's a doctor.
What is he--? "Oh, you know Bob.
Oh, okay, I'll give you the real medicine.
Everybody else I'm giving Tic Tacs.
" And usually for lunch, I'll have a salad.
And for dinner, I eat whatever I want.
What do you think the worst part of being blind is? Excuse me? You know, if you were blind what do you think the worst part of it would be? I don't know.
I think it would be not being able to tell if there was bugs in my food.
How could you ever enjoy a meal like that? I'd constantly be feeling around with my lips and my tongue.
Well, that's how my 5-year-old eats.
He's a very picky eater.
Hear about that kid that was kidnapped the other day in Pennsylvania? No.
He was at a carnival with his mother.
She gets a hot dog next thing you know, she turns around, boom, he's gone.
Imagine how sick a person has to be to do something like that.
And these people are all over the place.
You never know who's crazy.
I could be one of these people.
Have you seen any good movies? Who takes care of your boy during the day? We have a woman.
Why? -No, I'm just saying.
-She had references.
I'm sure she did.
I'm sure they're impeccable.
I'm talking about the ones that forge them.
You know, I think this is really helping.
I don't live near here, you know.
So she's giving me the massage and I'm just making conversation.
-I don't like to talk during a massage.
-Neither do l, but I do it for them.
-I figure they're bored.
-Yeah, I do that too.
I feel guilty about getting the pleasure.
I feel like I don't deserve it, so I talk.
It stops me from enjoying it.
There's nothing to eat in here.
-I forgot to tell you.
-I'm in the middle of a story.
-Okay, go ahead.
-Why don't you ever go shopping? It's not like it's a really funny story.
-What happened? -So she mentioned that she had a son.
And then for some reason I launch into the story about the kid from Pennsylvania who was abducted.
-Oh, wasn't that terrible? -Yes, it was.
Not even an apple.
She doesn't wanna hear that.
That was stupid.
-I know it was stupid.
-Really stupid.
Hey, I just said it was stupid.
-What about this Chinese food? -Take it.
-I can't believe you said that.
-Hey, would you stop it already.
So, what did she say? She actually seemed to get a little paranoid.
This is terrible.
What is this, ginger? I hate ginger.
I can't understand how anyone can eat ginger.
-I have a good masseuse.
-No, she's really good.
She's not just a masseuse.
She's a physical therapist.
There's a big difference.
She uses the ultrasound.
It's a real medical procedure.
In fact, if you get a doctor's note, it's covered by insurance.
Physical therapy is covered by insurance? Yeah.
-You don't pay for the massage? -Not if you have a doctor's note.
So where do you get this note? I've never actually done it, but if I wanted to I could probably get one from Roy, the dentist.
Right.
Your friend Roy.
What's the name of this physical therapist? I'll tell you, but don't ask her anything about her kid.
She's a little off.
And you don't have to pay? We have 3:00 appointments.
-George and Elaine, right? -Right.
Could you fill these out, please? And, Elaine, you'll be seeing Julianna.
And, George, you'll be with Raymond.
Excuse me.
Did you say Raymond? Yes.
But Raymond is a man.
That's right.
I can't get a massage from a man.
-Why not? -What, are you crazy? I can't have a man touching me.
Switch with me.
I don't want the man either.
What? You're a woman.
They're supposed to be touching you.
-He'd just be touching your back.
-He'd just be touching your back too.
-No, it could get sexual.
-I know.
That's the point.
If it's gonna get sexual, it should get sexual with you.
-I wouldn't be comfortable.
-I would? -What if something happens? -Oh, what could happen? What if it felt good? -It's supposed to feel good.
-I don't want it to feel good.
-Then why get the massage? -Exactly.
George.
-Yes.
-I'm Raymond.
Hello.
Are you ready? And then Julianna asked me if I wanted to join her here in the office.
Really? Used to be a flight attendant.
Oh, boy.
Why don't you open those pants.
It's gonna be a lot easier that way.
-So, what do you do? -What? I said, what do you do? I don't know.
-You don't know what you do? -No.
Oh, come on.
-You're very tense.
-Coffee.
Too much coffee.
Take off those pants.
I'll work the hamstring.
Oh, the hamstring's fine.
-But you wrote that it was tender.
-I wrote.
I wrote.
I'll check it out.
-Are you sure? -Yeah.
Take them off.
How did you hurt this? I don't know.
-You don't know? -No.
-But you just told me.
-Korea.
-You hurt it in Korea? -What? -The hamstring.
-Korea.
How? Hamstring.
How did you hurt the hamstring? Hotel.
How'd it go? George? No appointments at all? Because my neck is still tight.
What about Thursday? And Friday? Oh, boy.
Okay.
Thanks anyway.
What's with you? A.
Yes.
A.
A man gave me.
Yes.
A man gave you.
A man gave me a massage.
-So? -So he had his hands and.
He was.
-He was what? -He-- He was touching and rubbing.
That's a massage.
-Then I took my pants off.
-You took your pants off? For my hamstring.
He got about two inches from -there.
-Really? I think it moved.
-lt moved? -lt may have moved.
I don't know.
-I'm sure it didn't move.
-lt moved! It was imperceptible, but I felt it.
Maybe it just wanted to change positions.
You know -shift to the other side.
-No, no.
It wasn't a shift.
I've shifted.
This was a move.
-Okay.
So what if it moved? -That's the sign, the test.
If a-- If a man makes it move.
That's not the test.
Contact is the test.
If it moves as a result of contact.
Do you think it's contact? It has to be touched? That's what a gym teacher once told me.
-Hey.
-Hey.
I just saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Doughnuts.
You know, I looked in there and there he was having coffee and a doughnut.
Joe DiMaggio? -ln Dinky Doughnuts? -Yes.
-Joe DiMaggio.
-No.
I'm sorry.
If Joe DiMaggio wants a doughnut, he goes to a fancy restaurant.
He's not sitting in Dinky Doughnuts.
Well, maybe he likes Dinky Doughnuts.
I don't like to sit next to men on airplanes because our knees might touch.
I can't see Joe DiMaggio sitting at the counter at little, tiny, filthy, smelly Dinky Doughnuts.
Why can't he have a doughnut like everybody else? He can have a doughnut, but not a Dinky.
I don't even like to use urinals.
Always been a stall man.
Look, I'm telling-- I'm telling you, that was Joe DiMaggio.
The guy slept with Marilyn Monroe.
He's in Dinky Doughnuts.
What about this doctor's note? -Let's go see Roy.
-I never said I'd do that.
What are you talking about? That's 75 bucks.
I'm not working.
I can't afford that.
I don't know how I feel about it.
Oh, what are you, like a Quaker now? All right, all right.
A stall man, huh? So we were wondering if it was possible for you to write us a note.
And if you can't, believe me, it's fine.
-He didn't say he can't.
-lf you feel funny about it at all.
-He doesn't feel funny.
-lf he does.
-Do you feel funny? -Forget it.
-He didn't say anything.
-He feels funny.
-You don't have to do this.
-He knows that! Should we go? Is this a breach of our friendship? Oh, can you be any more dramatic? Don't be ridiculous.
Holyfield.
He's a good friend of one of my patients.
He's got a hell of a body, doesn't he? How would I know? Do you like him? What do you mean, like him? -Do you like him? -Well, I mean, he's a good fighter and a nice guy, but I don't like him.
-How come you don't like him? -Why should l? -What is the matter with you? -Nothing.
Why? You think something's wrong? Am I different? -So you want the notes? -You don't have to, really.
No, no.
It's okay.
We should probably get one for Elaine too, right, George? George? George.
What about the week after? No appointments at all? What? Well, can l--? Can I at least just talk to her so I can apologize? Forget it.
I can't believe this.
I make one innocent comment about some lunatic in Pennsylvania, and I'm cut off.
This woman is insane.
What's with you? What? You were too close to me.
I was all scrunched in there.
Hey, you scrunched me.
I sat down here first.
Hey.
I saw DiMaggio in the doughnut shop again.
-Yeah.
-Joe DiMaggio? Joe DiMaggio.
This time I went in and I sat down across from him and I really watched him.
I studied his every move.
For example, he dunks.
-Joe DiMaggio dunks his doughnuts? -That's right.
See, now I know it's not him.
Joe DiMaggio could not be a dunker.
Oh, he's a dunker.
-Why couldn't he be a dunker? -Nothing diverts his attention.
Like, I'm sitting in there, you know and I start banging on the table so that he'll look up.
Like I'm sitting there, and l-- He wouldn't move.
So then I started doing these yelping noises, like: No reaction, because the guy is so focused, you see.
He can just block out anything that's going on around him.
See, that's how he played baseball.
He dunks like he hits.
-So then what? -Well then the waitress, she comes up and she tells me to shut up or they're gonna throw me out.
Why didn't you just call out his name? What happened to you? These kids called me a Mary.
A what? I was jumping over a puddle.
For some reason, I went like this: And they called me a Mary.
So I chased them and I tripped and I fell.
Yeah, you know kids.
They can be very perceptive.
Hey, George.
What is this? What is that? No, really.
What is that? Hello.
Oh, hi, Roy.
What? Oh, my God.
How did this happen? What can I do? I am so sorry.
Okay.
Bye.
That was Roy.
He's under investigation for insurance fraud.
-I told you.
-Told me what? -I told you we shouldn't do it.
-I didn't say anything.
He's got a house, a family.
They could take away his license.
Three notes.
How stupid was that? We never should've got three notes.
-Three notes? -Yeah.
You, me and George.
-You got me a note? -Yeah.
-But I got my own note.
-You what? -I got a note from my gynecologist.
-Why'd you do that? -I didn't know you'd get me a note.
-Of course I'd get you a note.
-You didn't say anything.
-Neither did you.
That's how he got caught.
We sent in four notes from two doctors.
How could you do that to your friend? He's got a wife, kids and a lot of other stuff.
Oh, yeah.
-Hi, Pam.
-Hello.
Hello.
I just thought maybe I could talk to Roy if-- Pam, did the x-ray from Mrs.
Sloane--? -Hi.
-Hi, Roy.
-How you doing? -Come on back.
I have a patient, but she's under.
-I don't even know what to say.
-Me neither.
-I knew this would happen.
-Me too.
I mean, the whole thing, it's just.
-Tragic.
-Well, it's not tragic.
-No? -No.
It's.
-Unsettling? -Okay.
-I mean, what if they--? -I hope you're both happy.
I'm not happy.
Me, neither.
I've never been happy.
I mean, I'm happy sometimes, but not now.
In college, maybe.
-Those were fun times.
-Yeah, college was fun.
You know the whole practice is in jeopardy.
You know that.
-Don't mind her.
-Oh, please.
I love her.
I've just met her, but I'm very impressed.
I've never had a problem with these notes before.
What's gonna happen now? Nothing, as long as we get the physical therapist to go along with our story.
What? The physical therapist? Why? She has to say the complaint was related to a dental problem.
How you doing? Hi.
Look, I know I don't have an appointment but it's really important that I talk with Julianna.
I'm sorry.
She's not in.
I know she's mad at me, but I really have to speak with her.
I told you she's not here.
Look, you have to leave.
Wait a second.
Don't you--? Hi.
Look, I don't know what you think-- -Please.
-But, you see.
Let me talk to you for a second.
What I did is inadvertently-- I treated you, so please just get out of the office.
Can't you listen to me? Run, Billy! Run to the office and close the door.
Call the police.
The police.
What is the--? Hi, George.
Hello.
Raymond? Well, I mean, it's only a six-month probation.
It's a slap on the wrist.
I still don't see any dinner invitations forthcoming.
Men have been popping into my sexual fantasies.
All of a sudden, I'll be in the middle.
Of what? And a guy will appear from out of nowhere.
I said, "Get out of here.
What do you want? You don't belong here.
" -What do they do? -They talk back.
They go, "Hey, George, how's it going?" I said, "Get the hell out of here.
" Hey, it's the K-Man.
Maybe it's time you got a different hobby.
Oh, man.
Just came from Roy's.
I threw up from the gas.
-Did he say anything? -No, no.
He's fine.
Oh, my God.
It's.
-What? -Joe DiMaggio.
Having a cup of coffee.
-And he's dunking.
-Yeah.
Look at him.
The Yankee Clipper.
Here.
You see? Now, that is a handsome man.
Oh, please.
Wait.
Hold on a minute.
Wait.
See? I told you.
What causes homophobia? What is it that makes a heterosexual man worry? I think it's because men know that deep down we have weak sales resistance.
We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right.
Men think, "Obviously, I can be talked into anything.
What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store thinking it's a shoe store, and the salesman goes: 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store.
See how you feel.
No obligation, no pressure, just try it.
Would you like to see him in a sandal?"' SDl Media Group