The Golden Girls (1985) s03e01 Episode Script

(music) Thank you for being a friend (music) Traveled down the road and back again (music) Your heart is true (music) You're a pal and a confidant (music) And if you threw a party (music) Invited everyone you knew (music) You would see (music) The biggest gift would be from me (music) And the card attached would say (music) Thank you for being a friend (music) Here Blanche, you can add this to the pile.
You're not serious.
You're not giving this dress to the rummage sale.
This is the best looking outfit you own.
You're right.
I still look damn good in this thing.
Well, I don't know about "damn good.
" That design does tend to accentuate your behind while simultaneously diminishing your cleavage.
Wait just a minute.
First you tell me this is my prettiest outfit, then you tell me I don't look very good in it.
Now, which one is the truth? Both.
Look on the bright side, honey.
How often do you get out of your robe on the weekends? I finished loading the cartons into the car.
Well, thank you Daisy, darling.
It's very sweet of you to give up your Saturday to help with this fundraiser.
That's what being a Sunshine Cadet is all about.
I know, I so admire your motto: "Spread it around.
" That's sunshine, Blanche.
"Spread sunshine around.
" Whatever.
Daisy, Mrs.
Nylund put some things out on her bed.
Would you bring them in here? - Sure, Mrs.
Devereaux.
- Thank you.
- Ma, where you going? - Down to the boardwalk.
I like to sit and watch the old guys rearrange themselves when they come out of the water.
Where are you going? I'm off to the rummage sale.
Would you like a ride? No, I wanna do cartwheels for six miles.
Get your keys, let's roll.
- Here are Mrs.
Nylund's things.
- Put them here.
Thank you.
I can't believe she's giving away this teddy bear.
I wish I could afford to buy him at the sale.
- You like him? - I think he's the cutest thing I've ever seen in my whole life.
Well, then I'm gonna give him to you.
He's yours.
Oh, thank you, Mrs.
Devereaux.
Thank you! Thank you! You're welcome.
- Hi, Mrs.
Nylund.
- Hi, Daisy.
Bye, Daisy.
- That was Daisy, wasn't it? - Yes.
She's been helping out the entire time you've been gone.
It's just so inspiring, the way those Sunshine Cadets volunteer for community service.
You know, back home, we didn't have a community organization for females.
Unless you count Miss Maggie's house on the hill.
Those girls would stand on their heads for you.
Course I heard that cost you ten bucks extra.
Blanche! Have you seen my teddy bear, Fernando? He's missing.
I've had him since I was six years old.
I have to find him.
- I just have to.
- Calm down.
He's just a toy.
Fernando is not just a toy.
He's a family heirloom.
I've had him for as long as I can remember.
I don't know what I'd do without him.
Rose.
Rose, now don't panic.
Look, we'll find him.
All we need is a logical plan.
You go check out the attic and I'll look around outside in case he wandered off.
Good.
I feel better now.
At least we have a plan.
Someone sitting here? Cataracts or glaucoma? I can see there's no one sitting here.
- I was just being polite.
- If you say so.
Me, I've got both.
Cataracts and glaucoma.
The glaucoma I handle with drops.
For the cataracts, I had surgery.
They used laser beams on me.
Zap, zap.
Just like that.
No more cataracts.
- Dynamite.
- You black? Laser beams, huh? Gimme a break, you geezer.
The sun's reflecting off the sand.
Who you calling an old geezer? What am I, Kreskin? How should I know what your name is? If you didn't have your eyes zapped with some ray gun, you could read it off my identification badge here.
"Alvin Newcastle.
Security guard.
" That's right.
Why didn't you just buy the one that says, "Marshal, Dodge City.
" This happens to be a legitimate, officially authorized identification badge.
Issued by the police department direct.
And I happen to be a legitimate for real security guard.
Well, you're doing a great job, Alvin Newcastle.
Nobody stole the boardwalk since you've been sitting here.
Just forget it.
It's my fault for trying to be friendly.
I'll go back to counting seagulls.
So where do you work? A bank, a department store? Ocean Mist Retirement Hotel.
Sundays, noon to one.
Ocean Mist.
You know Molly Feinberg? I don't think so.
Wait a minute, you mean Molly Feinbaum.
I'm wrong, I'm wrong.
Ocean View, not Ocean Mist.
Finestein, that's it.
Gray hair, glasses.
Or is it Ocean Spray? Well, that's a cranberry juice.
- Definitely Ocean Terrace.
- Definitely Feinstein.
Except she pronounces it "Feinstine.
" Harriet Feinstein.
You want me to say hello for you? Would you mind? We're very close.
No problem.
Hey, Alvin.
I have an enormous veal and pepper sandwich here.
I couldn't possibly finish it.
You want half? I made it fresh this morning.
Sounds more interesting than the tangerine I got.
Prepare yourself for a real treat.
Hey.
I don't even know your name.
Sophia.
Sophia Petrillo.
Italian? Take one bite of the sandwich and you tell me.
Hey, I didn't hear you get up.
I never went to sleep.
Now look, Rose, this has to stop.
Now you have been carrying on for a week.
It was only a toy animal.
Fernando was more than that.
He was full of life, he was full of love He was full of stuffing, Rose.
Now look, you've got to get a grip on yourself.
I'm sorry.
I know I'm behaving like a fool.
But I got a right to sing the blues.
I lost my teddy.
I understand, Rose.
Which, if I thought about it, says something deeply disturbing about me.
"I've got a right to sing the blues"? Dorothy, I hope you didn't fix breakfast for me.
I'm not eating home this morning.
Someone's buying me breakfast.
- Someone? - Okay, okay.
Quit badgering me.
- It's Alvin.
- Alvin from the boardwalk? No Rose, Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Girls, guess what I found.
Fernando.
That's not Fernando.
What do you mean, "that's not Fernando"? How could you tell? All you have to do is look in his eyes.
Or at the price tag stuck to his back.
- Oops! - Thanks for trying, Blanche.
It's nice to know I have a friend like you who cares.
Dorothy.
I have a confession to make.
Rose didn't lose Fernando.
I gave him to Daisy when she was helping out with the rummage sale.
Well, then, there's no problem, honey.
Just call Daisy and get Fernando back.
She's a very sweet kid.
She'll understand.
I tried that.
She said no.
What do you mean? She's not a sweet kid anymore.
She's holding Fernando for ransom.
- Come on.
- Dorothy, she sent me one of his ears.
- I think I got one.
- Where? Past the lifeguard stand.
- Bald guy about 20 yards out? - Yeah.
Yeah, watch his face.
Huh? Am I right? You got one, no doubt about it.
That gentleman just peed in the ocean.
How many is that today? Three? Four? I'm not sure.
I lost track.
Whatever.
My point is, there's always something interesting happening at the beach.
But then again, I've always been a beach person.
Not my Salvador.
- Salvador? - My husband.
You have a husband? Departed, I told you about him.
Anyway, Salvador hated the beach.
He said too many people peed in the ocean.
What about your Edna? Edna? Did she like the beach? [Seagulls crying.]
You ever notice the birds? I'm asking you about your late wife, you're asking me about birds? At the park, they want you to feed them, but here they take care of themselves.
Here they could die for clams casino, what's your point? I don't know.
I'm asking about Edna.
- Edna? - Your wife.
Oh, hey.
I'm sorry, I I guess I just can't take a hint.
There's some things about Salvador I still have trouble talking about.
Of course, other things I'm not allowed to talk about unless I want the Scarpoli family to put out a contract on me.
Hey, I I made up that last part, trying to lighten the moment.
[Sobbing.]
I I'm sorry, Alvin.
Don't cry.
That's okay.
You cry all you want.
Daisy, honey, be reasonable.
Now why won't you give the bear back? Because he belongs to me.
He does not belong to you, sweetheart.
No, he belongs to Rose.
She gave him to me.
But honey, I had no right to do that.
You mean, you made a mistake? Yes, that's all it was, just a silly mistake.
In Sunshine Cadets, we learn you have to pay for your mistakes.
This one's gonna cost you a ten-speed Schwinn.
Daisy.
Didn't the Sunshine Cadets teach you anything about honesty and decency and respect for your elders? I think that was scheduled for the weekend campout at Lake Wakatake.
I missed it, when I was grounded for catching a smoke in the boys' john.
Dorothy, we're shafted.
Think you could have the bike by this weekend? Listen, Daisy, I don't like being intimidated, I do not like being threatened and frankly, kid, I don't like you.
I am not gonna buy you anything, and I am going to tell your folks what you're doing and then I'm going to call the school for bad girls and they will come and pick you up and put you in a sack and take you away and you will never eat ice cream or play jump rope again.
Get real, grandma.
Either way, I'll get the bike.
My folks will feel terrible because two mean old ladies forced me to return my toy.
And because it was ruined in the accident on the way back to their house.
- Accident? - See this water pistol? It's loaded with red ink.
- [Rose.]
Hi, everybody.
- Rose, don't move.
She's got the teddy bear and a water pistol.
What? Rose, it won't sound any less ridiculous if you hear it again.
You found my teddy.
Where was he? - You didn't tell her? - Tell me what? I think the price just went up.
I'll get back to you within 48 hours.
What's going on? Where did she take Fernando? She took him home, Rose.
Rose, see, honey, Fernando doesn't exactly belong to you anymore.
I kind of gave him to Daisy by mistake.
[Laughing.]
Get him back.
- I want my teddy.
- Honey, she's just a child.
You can't expect a child to give back a toy.
Now you do understand, don't you? Just cut the crap and get back the damn bear.
Where you been? Know what time it is? - 9:00.
- In your dreams.
You take the wrong bus again? Never mind, you didn't miss anything.
- What do you think you're doing? - I think I'm crocheting but to tell you the God's honest truth, I wouldn't swear to it.
This is my seat.
You're sitting in my seat.
Excuse me, I didn't know your I sit in this seat every day.
You got no right sitting in my seat.
Relax! I'm moving.
You're always doing this kind of thing.
You're never thinking about anybody but yourself.
What are you talking about? You know what I'm talking about.
I didn't take the wrong bus.
That dumb-ass driver went the wrong way.
A different way, and you know it! What the hell's the matter with you? Alvin.
Alvin.
Morning, Sophia.
What are you doing? I'm levitating, Rose.
Get lost.
[Sophia.]
Aw, come back here.
You didn't deserve that.
You're a good kid.
I'm just a little depressed.
Really? You know, I'm depressed too.
What are you depressed about? Alvin and I had a fight.
I'm making a scarf for a friend I don't have anymore.
I know exactly how you feel.
I made these for Fernando.
I thought you broke up with that midget.
Fernando's not a midget.
He's my oldest and closest friend.
I didn't know Alvin long but I thought we were getting close.
I can't believe he just walked away.
Fernando was always there for me.
Whenever I was scared or down about something, I'd just roll over and snuggle up against him in bed.
I never went to bed with Alvin.
The thought never crossed my mind which is odd because I've always wondered about that myth.
There's a myth about people named Alvin? The myth about black men in the bedroom.
Is that a Greek myth? [Doorbell rings.]
Get the door, Rose.
- You.
- Good morning.
Well, kid, what do you want? I changed my mind.
I was wrong to ask for all those gifts.
Dorothy, you see, I knew she'd come to her senses.
I decided cash is better.
That way I can buy exactly what I want.
I'll get my purse.
No.
Blanche, I'm not gonna let you do that.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and if after all the years of love and companionship Fernando and I are meant to part company I'll just have to accept that.
[Rose.]
Time to time, life deals you an unfriendly hand.
There's nothing you can do about it.
I guess there's a lesson to be learned here.
Sometimes, life just isn't fair, kiddo.
- Morning.
- Alvin.
Am I sitting in the right place? Depends.
If you looking to catch a bus to Jacksonville, you could be in big trouble.
You old geezer, you know what I'm talking about.
Half the time I suspect you don't know what you're talking about.
Especially when you start all that muttering in Italian.
I swear, you make up half those words.
Here.
I brought you this.
Because you're sorry? Because I'm thirsty and I figured you might be too.
Whatever.
They're really quite a pair, aren't they? Excuse me? My father and your mother.
They sit like that all day, every day.
He's even started referring to my husband as "that dumb badgagaloop.
" How did you How'd you know that she was my mother.
Just a guess.
From the way you were watching.
After what happened yesterday, I thought you might show up.
He told you about the fight? No, I saw it.
I was here.
Well, there doesn't seem to be any problem now.
I thought you said this was a cold drink.
It's lukewarm.
I told him no ice.
You dumb badgagaloop.
What do you think makes it cold? Your attitude is making me cold, woman.
So lighten up and say thank you.
- All right, thank you.
- What? Thank you for the soda.
I guess we're even.
This fight was my fault.
Yesterday was yours.
Yesterday? Hey, if you're willing to forget about it, so am I.
He has his good days and he has his bad days.
You just never know what to expect.
No, I understand.
My mother can be the same way.
I guess it's just part of getting older.
Some of it.
But my father isn't going to get any better.
He's only gonna get worse.
So that's when the salesman from men's sportswear walks clear across the store into lady's petite and says, "Excuse me, Miss.
I notice you've been having a hard time deciding between the turquoise strapless and the flaming red backless.
Well, personally, I would like to see you in the backless.
" And I said, "When?" And he said, "How about Saturday night?" And I said, "How about in your dreams, sleazo?" Can you believe the nerve of that guy? What were you doing in lady's petite? [Knock on door.]
- [Dorothy.]
Ma? - Come in.
I'm glad you're home.
Got a minute? - Sure.
- Good.
Crochet me a scarf.
Ma, I need to talk to you about Alvin.
He's sick, Ma.
What are you talking about? You've never seen him.
I've seen him, Ma.
After you had that fight, I was worried about you and I followed you to the boardwalk.
That was you? Thank God.
I thought Gino the Enforcer was out on parole.
Ma, please.
Will you let me say what I have to say? Maybe I don't want to hear what you have to say.
Maybe I'm happy not knowing anything.
Or maybe you know already.
I'm not stupid.
I could see there was something that wasn't right.
Ma, he has Alzheimer's disease.
I met his daughter down at the boardwalk.
She said that when he first started wandering off, she followed him everywhere.
She took a leave of absence from her job to take care of him.
But she's not gonna be able to afford that much longer.
Uh, the family's discussed sending him to New York.
He has a nephew who's a doctor there and can give him special care.
And Ma, Sandra says that within the next couple of months, they're gonna do that.
You know, Dorothy, people think if you live to be my age, you should be grateful just to be alive.
Well, that's not how it works.
You need a reason to get up in the morning.
And sometimes even after you find one, life can turn right around and spit in your face.
I'm sorry, Ma.
A few months, huh? That should give me enough time to finish the scarf.
Ma? Dorothy.
How long have you been here? A while.
He's not coming back, is he? No.
It was a nice couple of months.
I'll miss him.
Think he'll remember me? I don't know.
I'll remember him.
I finished the scarf, you know.
Oh, great.
Next time we go to New York, maybe you'll take it to him.
Nah, I think I'll mail it.
That way, I'll always picture him right here on the boardwalk.
Hey! Someone's sitting there! - 5@y3 -