Big Bang Theory s03e02 Episode Script

Sheldon, you're wrong.
Wolverine was not born with bone claws.
Howard, you know me to be a very smart man.
Don't you think if I were wrong, I'd know it? -First of all-- -Give it up.
You're arguing with a crazy person.
I'm not crazy.
My mother had me tested.
-Hey, guys.
-What are you doing here? What? It's new-comic-book night.
Since you and Penny hooked up we thought you two would be having bouncy naked yum-yum night.
There's more to life than sex, Raj.
Who had Leonard flames out in 24 hours? I did.
Nothing flamed out.
We don't have to have sex every night.
You don't have to, but it's highly recommended.
Take advantage of that window of opportunity before it slams shut on your little dinky.
It's not a matter of opportunity.
We're getting to know each other.
There's a learning curve.
What's to learn? You get naked, do nasty things.
Then somebody makes scrambled eggs and salami.
Easy-peasy.
Perhaps what Leonard is obliquely referring to is the occurrence of sexual dysfunction.
Okay, who had Leonard gets a floppy disk? Oh.
A clever, albeit obsolete, euphemism for insufficient blood flow to the male sex organ.
[CHUCKLES.]
Nothing like that happened, all right? The sex was just fine.
Just fine? Oh, dude, the fourth Harry Potter movie was just fine.
I'm not saying it was bad.
I'm just saying it wasn't great.
Okay, you mean for both of you? Because we can totally see it not being great for her.
Am I right? To tell you the truth, I think we were both a little-- I don't know-- -Disappointed? Let down? -Ashamed? Horrified? Repulsed? All I know is it wasn't the way I dreamed it would be.
[SCOFFS.]
Sex is never the way I dream it's gonna be.
That's because in your dreams, you're a horse from the waist down.
Excuse me, Wolverine: Origin Miniseries Issue 2, page 22.
Retractable bone claws.
If you spent less time thinking about sex and more time on comic books we'd have far fewer of these embarrassing moments.
Sheldon, dinner's here.
SHELDON: Tandoori Palace? No, we went somewhere new.
You're good-naturedly ribbing me, aren't you? No, look, Mumbai Palace.
Why? Why would we change? We had a perfectly good palace.
Tandoori Palace is our palace.
Trust me, this will be just fine.
You are the authority on just fine.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
What's that supposed to mean? Exactly.
Not bad, but not great.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
-What are they talking about? -I don't know.
-I know.
As I'm sure you're aware-- -Dut! Dut-dut-dut-dut! If that's Morse code, that's terrible.
As I was saying, you and Leonard had a disappointing sexual encounter.
Earlier this evening, Leonard characterized it as, "Just fine.
" So, what you're seeing is a continuation of the mocking that followed.
Okay.
Yeah, well, I'm just gonna go eat my dinner elsewhere.
Maybe an airplane headed for a mountainside.
Penny, wait.
Aah.
What is wrong with you? [DOOR SLAMS.]
I sense I may have crossed some sort of line.
-Yeah, you-- -Don't tell him.
Let's see if he can figure it out.
-Ugh.
I am so embarrassed.
-Please don't be mad.
-What did you tell them? -Nothing bad.
Just that last night was fine.
Fine? You said it was fine? Yeah.
It's a perfectly good word.
You put it in front of "wine" or "dining" and you've really got something.
Okay, well, let me ask you this, how was last night for you? It was okay.
Okay? Yeah, it's a perfectly good word.
I mean, you put it in front of "dokay" and you really got something.
All right, let's not overreact.
It takes time to get to know each other's rhythms.
Learn what the other person wants and likes.
-So you've been through this before? -No.
Okay-dokay.
This is one of those things where talking about it is not gonna make it better.
-Want a glass of wine? Okay.
-So much.
See, we should've done this last night, you know? Had a little wine, take the edge off.
Actually, ethyl alcohol inhibits electrical conduction in the nerve cells and stimulates reuptake receptors of inhibitory neurotransmitters like gamma-aminobutyric acid.
Don't talk.
Just drink.
No, you're misunderstanding.
A shiksa goddess isn't an actual goddess.
We don't pray to them.
We prey on them.
Whatever, dude.
The point is Leonard's got one and you don't.
Is this it? It was inappropriate to discuss Leonard and Penny's sex life in front of Leonard and Penny.
Good.
Now I can eat.
[INSECT CHIRPING.]
-What's that? -Sounds like a cricket.
Hang on.
Based on the number of chirps per minute and the temperature it is a snowy tree cricket.
Oh.
Give me a fricking break.
How could you possibly know that? In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute and the ambient temperature.
A precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets.
How do you know the temperature of this room? Under the terms of my roommate agreement I've had control of the thermostat ever since the sweaty night of '06.
Okay, you were right about Wolverine and bone claws but you're wrong about the cricket.
Howard, don't embarrass yourself.
The science chirps for itself.
Humorous word play.
No, no.
Not this time.
I know insects, my friend.
I spent many childhood years capturing them with nets, putting them in jars sticking pins through them, mounting them on cardboard with labels identifying the genus and species.
In Latin.
Oh.
Dude, you are never getting a shiksa goddess.
That is a snowy tree cricket.
Oecanthus fultoni.
I was done with Latin by fifth grade.
Okay.
Tell you what.
I am willing to bet anything that's an ordinary field cricket.
-I can't take your money.
-What's the matter, you chicken? I've always found that an inappropriate slur.
Chickens are not at all timid.
In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.
-Chickens can't climb trees.
-Thank God.
Okay, I believe a chicken made you his bitch.
The cricket thing, I don't buy.
Bet me.
Fair enough.
What stakes do you propose? I will put up my Fantastic Four Number 48 first appearance of Silver Surfer against your Flash 123, the classic "Flash of Two Worlds" issue.
All right, you have a wager.
Hmm.
Great.
Now, how are you gonna settle it? Hmm? There is no way to determine the species of the cricket without examining it.
I wonder what the nonpathetic people are doing tonight.
-More wine? -Hit me.
-I don't see anything.
-Shh.
[CRICKET CHIRPING.]
Hallway.
Ahh.
One at a time.
[GURGLING.]
What was that? My stomach.
Indian food doesn't agree with me.
Ironic, isn't it? [WHISPERS.]
Elevator shaft.
SHELDON: Help me open it.
Are you crazy? We can't go down an empty elevator shaft.
If you don't wanna proceed, then you forfeit the bet and I'll take possession of your Fantastic Four.
Let's open her up.
Are you bothered that I can so easily manipulate you? HOWARD: Don't push me, Sheldon.
I may be small, but I took kung fu when I was 13 and I remember a good deal of it.
Oh, really? I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister.
And I could easily best you in any physical confrontation.
Be it noogies, swirlies or the classic, "Why are you hitting yourself?" Ooh.
Big talk from a man who was once treed by a chicken.
[CHUCKLES.]
-Ahem.
-What are we drinking now? Peppermint schnapps.
Why would you buy peppermint schnapps? Because I like peppermint and it's fun to say "schnapps.
" [CHUCKLING.]
-Hey, Leonard? -What? Schnapps.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Schnapps.
You're right, that is fun.
RAJESH: Be careful.
SHELDON: If I were not being careful your telling me to be careful would not make me careful.
[CRICKET CHIRPING.]
Stairwell.
SHELDON: Uh-oh.
Flashlight went out.
I need some batteries.
Fellas? Hello? It's really dark down here.
[VOMITING.]
Oh, sweetie, you really can't hold your liquor, can you? I'm okay.
Just a little mouthwash and then I'm gonna rock your world.
[VOMITING.]
Are you okay? [BOTH VOMITING.]
Oh.
Toby, what did you do in a past life to be so disgusting now? His name isn't Toby.
Toby is an absurd name for a cricket.
-What would you name him? -An appropriate cricket name.
For example, Jiminy.
All right, Sheldon, here we go.
Kleingast's Field Guide to North American Insects.
Hey, Toby.
Right here.
See it? "The common field cricket, a.
k.
a.
Gryllus assimilis" which is Latin for "suck it, you lose.
" Hang on.
Voilà.
"The snowy tree cricket, a.
k.
a.
Oecanthus fultoni" which is Latin for "I'll suck nothing.
" Of course, I'm joking, because the Latin for that is "nihil exsorbibo.
" That is not Toby, this is Toby.
Raj, what do you think? Oh.
I really don't care anymore.
[LEONARD SIGHS.]
-God, I had the most horrible night.
-What happened? Obviously another carnal fiasco with the "shiksi" goddess.
Shiksa.
Shiksa.
Forgive me.
Yiddish was not spoken in East Texas.
And if it was, it wasn't spoken for long.
Yeah, fine, whatever.
The point is you're wrong, again.
We haven't established that I'm wrong once.
Let's go down to the Entomology Department and let Professor Crawley tell us what kind of cricket Toby is.
SHELDON: He's a snowy tree cricket.
And his name is Jiminy.
I bet I could throw a rock in this room and come up with three better friends.
Holy crap.
It's like Silence of the Lambs down here.
[SQUEALS.]
Don't do that.
Don't be such a girl.
They're just bugs.
I don't like bugs, okay? They freak me out.
Interesting.
You're afraid of insects and women.
Ladybugs must render you catatonic.
It was a joke.
I made it to lessen your discomfort.
You're welcome.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Ha-ha.
Don't knock.
Just walk in.
Why be polite to the world's leading expert on the dung beetle? Excuse me, are you Professor Crawley? Who wants to know? I'm Dr.
Cooper, from the Physics Department.
-Couldn't wait, huh? -I'm sorry? I haven't even packed yet and you're already measuring my lab for one of your godless laser machines.
No, you don't understand.
We just wanna ask you a question.
Let me ask you one first.
What's a world-renowned entomologist with a doctorate and 20 years of experience, to do with his life when the university cuts off the funding for his lab, huh? Ask rhetorical questions that make people uncomfortable? [CHUCKLES.]
What's your deal? Are they planning to outsource my job to Bangalore? I'm from New Delhi.
-We should find another entomologist.
-We're here.
Let's settle this.
Professor, can you identify our cricket? Of course I can.
I can identify every insect and arachnid on the planet.
Not that that's gonna keep me from having to move in with my daughter in Oxnard.
And we're not talking Oxnard at the beach.
No.
We're talking Oxnard in the onion fields.
-Well, could you look at Toby? -Toby? What a stupid name for a cricket.
Told you.
It's a field cricket.
-Yes.
-No, wait.
Dr.
Crawley, are you sure? Young man, I've been studying insects since I was 8 years old.
You know what they used to call me in school? Creepy Crawley.
Cruel as that may be, that is not in itself a credential.
Let me show you something.
See that? That's a Crawley's dung beetle.
I discovered it after spending six months slogging through the Bornean rain forests while my wife was back home shacking up with a two-bit ornithologist who lives on a sailboat and likes to wear boot-cut jeans.
So when I tell you that that's a common field cricket you can take that to the damn bank.
Because God knows I can't.
That tramp took me for everything.
Well, apparently I was wrong.
Congratulations.
Enjoy Oxnard.
I'm sure your daughter's looking forward to having you.
Oh, hey, Sheldon.
What you got there? New comic book? Old comic book.
I just retrieved it from my safe-deposit box.
What do you have a safe-deposit box for? Old comic books.
I lost this to Wolowitz in an ill-considered cricket wager.
What, do they have Wii cricket now? That can't be very popular.
Penny, I'd rather not talk about it.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm not feeling so hot either.
Why would that make me feel better? I don't know, empathy? I'm just saying that you're feeling upset about something with Howard and I'm upset about something with Leonard.
Yes, the disappointing sex.
That's an inexact parallel.
You and Leonard can always return to being friends.
I can never return to a state in which Wolowitz has not bested me like Mrs.
Riley's chicken.
What's Mrs.
Riley's chicken? A chicken that was owned by Mrs.
Riley.
-Okay, forget the chicken.
-I wish I could.
No, no.
You may be right about me and Leonard.
Well, of course I'm right.
What are the odds I'd be wrong twice in one week? No, I mean, we can always go back to being friends.
I just said that-- This conversation has started to circle.
Meeting adjourned.
-Hello.
-Hey.
What's going on? Oh, you'd like to catch up on the events of the day.
All right.
Well, there was a half-hour wait at the bank to get into my safe-deposit box.
I was forced to talk to Penny about your sexual problems.
And, oh, yes, in a moment filled with biblical resonance pride wenteth before my fall causing my Flash 123 to goeth to Wolowitz.
Wait a minute.
You talked to Penny about our sex life? Leonard, it astonishes me how you continually fixate on the trivial.
I lost a bet to Wolowitz.
-You're saying you talked to Penny? -Yes.
-Interesting.
-Hardly.
Excuse me.
Have I crossed some sort of line again? Little bit.
Hmm.
Oh.
Who cares? -Oh, hey.
-Hey, what did Sheldon say to you? Not a lot.
That we always have the option of going back to being friends.
-Is that what you want? -I don't know.
I mean, you have to admit things seemed simpler when we were just friends.
I guess.
-It would take the pressure off.
-It would, wouldn't it? So we'll just be friends.
Good.
Good.
Come here.
[BOTH MOANING.]
Okay-dokay.