Cheers s03e02 Episode Script

REBOUND That's it, folks.
Closing it up.
- Night, Coach.
- Good night, guys.
- Normie, you want to get a bite to eat? - I have a wife at home.
We could stop by and pick her up.
I haven't met her yet.
I don't think so.
Not tonight.
Wait a minute.
Are you ashamed of me or her? A little of both, I guess.
Hey, everybody.
I'm back.
Last week on Cheers, I, Cliff Clavin, postman and happy wanderer, returned from a vacation in the state of Florida.
It was an invigorating experience.
I'd tell you about it but certain parties insist I fill you in on the story.
Diane and Sam had a little falling by the wayside.
They went separate ways, Sam went back to his old ones.
I don't know which wagon Sam fell off, but back to the bottle he went.
Diane went what we euphemistically call and spent time in a country hospital.
After she got out, Coach got her into Cheers to try and talk sense into Sam.
She talked him into seeing a psychiatrist.
Sam agreed, not knowing that the shrink and Diane were dating steadily, and rumour has it, heavily.
Sam is under a misconception that Diane still carries the torch for him.
Diane thinks that Sam is the torch bearer.
You know something? I may have the wrong batch of slides.
These are my snaps of FLA.
You all know how Sam and Diane look.
But a lot of you haven't seen The Sunshine State.
What we're looking at here is All right, who pulled the plug? Very funny.
Come on! You're a failure and you're gutless because you won't admit it.
You've hurt everyone who's tried to reach you.
You make me sick! Sam, tell me what's on your mind.
- How much this will cost.
- You're thinking of money? Yeah, I hope it's not going to be a lot because I get Diane to do this for free.
She used to abuse me for free all the time.
Well, it wasn't exactly free.
I had to sleep with her.
Beneath your flippancy I sense a lot of hostility towards Diane.
And towards myself.
Look, I haven't had a drink in ten days.
I've got a problem, but I'm going to AA and I think I'm going be OK.
No, you're better than OK, Sam.
You're abundantly human.
You said I made you sick.
I was confronting you.
Forget about that.
I am telling you that you're abundantly human.
Great, I really think I'm going be able to handle this.
I don't.
- I'm abundantly human, remember? - Don't you see? I'm putting you on an emotional pendulum.
I don't want to be on anything.
I want to quit.
- What? - This is distressing.
- I hear Sam "the failure".
- You said I was abundantly human.
An abundantly human person can change.
- I want to quit, that's a change.
- You're becoming compulsive.
- We should double our sessions.
- Double? Come on! - I'll be OK.
- You have progressed.
- Good, let's quit.
- Sam! There's that word again.
Do you realise that you keep saying it? Could you stop if you wanted to? Frasier? I know a peaceful place in the country.
I could get you in.
Lovely grounds, nice food, casual dress.
Your tie and belt will be confiscated.
Frasier, I'm not going to a hospital.
I am not having any more sessions.
- We're through.
Get the hell out.
- Sam! We did it! - Did what? - You're a whole person.
Really, I mean that.
- I am? - You stood up to me.
You no longer need to run from problems, need to drink, or need to spend weekends at a hospital, bombed on Thorazine.
- Goodbye.
- Wait a minute.
Sam, you must break this attachment.
Swim, Sam, swim.
No, Frasier, no.
I just want you to tell me what you think put Diane in the "ha ha house".
I'm not her doctor, and if I were, I couldn't discuss it.
It doesn't matter.
She went nuts cos I kicked her out.
Sam, I don't think you should use the word "nuts" when discussing Diane.
Well, you've met her.
Give me a better one.
Bonkers.
You see, you don't need alcohol to have fun.
In my profession there's no such thing as a closed door.
That explains how Diane got out.
As long as you have that humour, you can't ever go completely astray.
- Goodbye.
- So long, Doc.
Hey, Frasier.
Say hello to all your loons for me.
Carla, why do you build walls between yourself and everyone else? Have you taken a good look at everyone else? Touché.
Here's to Sammy.
Ten days without the slow death of alcohol.
No, don't toast me for that.
Getting back on the bottle was stupid.
I was reading in an article, alcohol actually eats huge holes in the tissue of Some people like bartenders who tell great stories and jokes.
No, give me a good temperance lecture any time.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, well.
I don't have an alcoholic personality.
You don't have a personality.
I'm going to resist hurling a rejoinder in your direction out of the respect I bear for members of your gender.
Please make sure that's all you bare for members of my gender.
- Hello, everybody.
- Coach, come here.
- I've been dreading this moment.
- Why? Diane will beg me to get back together and I'm going to break her heart.
That's terrible.
No, the terrible thing is, I'm looking forward to it.
And then after being in the Everglades, Seminole Indians made me the honorary mail carrier of the tribe.
- Hi, Sam.
Is Frasier here? - No, we finished our session.
He's making remarkable progress.
- It's you I want to talk to, anyway.
- Yeah, I know.
I figured.
You probably remember where the office is, right? Oh, yes.
I've seen it in my dreams.
Coach, I'm going take a break.
Hey, Coach.
Who's "Miss God's Gift to the World?" I didn't see the show this year.
I think Miss Kansas won.
Strange to be here again.
- Using a new cologne? - No, that's the roach bomb.
But, you know, that's not a Yes, well, down to business.
Sam, there's something I've been keeping from you and I've got to tell you now.
There's something I need to say to you and I think I ought to go first.
No, I think maybe I should go first.
Maybe.
I'm over you.
You're over me? - You don't think that I still - You've got your - You thought I - Well, so did you.
We keep doing it.
Something we thought we'd seen the last of is resurfacing.
Yeah, my lunch.
Rest assured I have no feelings left for you.
Nothing.
I assure you I feel less than nothing for you.
- Then there's nothing really left to say.
- There is one thing you should know.
It's important.
There's another man in my life and he's someone you know.
Really? Who? Frasier and I have been lovers for several weeks.
- What do you mean, ooh? - I'm sorry.
I just got a little mental picture.
It took me by surprise.
Well, why didn't you say something sooner? Frasier didn't want to tell you in case it interfered with your therapy.
We had a terrible fight about it No we had a wonderful fight about it.
Frasier says fighting can be wonderful if you lay out the rules, share your hurt, and never lose respect for the other's abundant humanness.
Boy, you people with full lives.
- Well - Well Wait, a second.
Guys, I think you ought to hear this.
Diane got herself a new fella.
She and Frasier Crane are lovers.
- What do you mean, ooh? - I mean ooh two should be very happy together.
Sam, I thought you said she was still nuts about you.
I was wrong, and I'm happy to be wrong.
Me too.
Well - I guess this is goodbye.
- I guess it is.
What are you doing here? I've been looking for you.
I'm so glad you're here.
Diane, you shared our secret with Sam, didn't you? - Yes, and he took it wonderfully.
- In fact, let me buy you a drink.
Why, thanks, Sam.
I'll have a white wine spritzer.
Well, OK.
I'll have one, too.
It's our drink.
- You two met in the bin, did you? - Yes, and it isn't a "bin".
Golden Brook is a pastoral retreat.
Did you hold hands during the lobotomy? Diane, take a joke.
I love you.
Frasier is a consulting psychiatrist.
He wasn't my therapist.
How did you two get together? I was playing croquet one beautiful morning.
It's a game I learned during my stay there and I got quite good at it.
I saw you do that.
You are a naughty, naughty girl.
- It wasn't - I saw you do it.
Be a grown-up.
It was amazing how I could lose myself in the game.
I'm annoyed.
When playing with someone of equal ability, it gave me an appreciation for the nobler aspects of competition.
- What is this business? - I'm not playing with you any more! Fine, then go to Frasier happened by in the midst of this spirited contest and he stopped to correct a flaw in my swing.
My opponent on that day was as crafty a strategist as I.
We really brought out the best in each other.
Girls! Ladies! Frasier remained to watch my game, and to good-naturedly arbitrate a close call for us.
Under the attentive gaze of a distinguished doctor I lost some of my concentration on the game itself.
Who's your doctor? Who would guess a leisurely game of croquet would provide me with such a trophy? Indeed.
That's quite a story.
How is your romantic life going, Sam? I'm dating a girl that I think may just turn out to be the woman I've been waiting for all my life.
Sam Malone! You went out with my sister! Did you think it wouldn't get back to me? I have had just about as much as I can take from you! As far as I'm concerned, you never existed.
Well, the search continues.
Swim, Sam, swim.
Great, now I have to work another Saturday night by myself.
You promised you wouldn't boink any more waitresses unless it was me.
I'm going to have to find somebody, who I can keep my hands off of.
Are you looking for work? Thank you very much for the very attractive offer, but I'm not interested.
I understand.
How silly of me.
You couldn't possibly come back to work here.
- What are you talking about? - Well, it's interesting.
I mean, it doesn't bother me at all, but it must create a problem for you.
- Frasier, could we go now, please? - Of course, dear.
This is goodbye for now, but there's no such thing as a former patient.
Once you've been my patient, I'm always there when you Oh, great.
I'll bet this is important.
- Where's the phone? - In the hallway.
- Why don't you have a seat there? - No, thank you.
I understand.
What do you understand? I assume what you said in there was the truth, but obviously you're feeling sexual tension around me.
Sitting that close would be kind of rough on you.
The fact of the matter is I don't want to work here because I think I have a better lot in store than a life of serving beer to squamulous laggards.
Please, Diane.
The man's in the room.
- Tell Frasier I'm waiting outside.
- I understand.
It'd be safer to wait around the corner.
I do give off this aura.
That's the roach bomb.
Diane, listen.
Please! I have something to say and it's straight from here.
- What is it, Coach? - This is my heart, isn't it? Yes, it is.
Diane, if you walk out that door, he's back on the bottle.
Well, I can't be responsible for that.
Diane, don't tear his heart out again, please.
You'd do us both a favour if you stick around.
Just a couple or three weeks.
Just till he gets back on his feet.
Please.
Well I've gone this far, I might as well persist.
She's back! If Frasier approves, I'll stick around, and help you through your waitress problem.
Wait a second.
You mean to tell me you're coming back to work here? I'll take it until a better job comes along.
Cleaning up after rodeos, for instance.
- Great, Sam? Diane's back.
- Great.
What did you say to her? I said she walks out that door, she's back in that nut house in a month.
I see.
- You're not going to tell her, are you? - No, of course not.
Well, welcome aboard, Miss Chambers.
Thank you, Mr Malone.
That Coach is a pretty smart fella sometimes, isn't he? Yes, he is, Sam.
- Well, enough said about that.
- Yes, enough.
- Diane, shall we be off? - I'm going to come back to work here.
What? No.
As Frasier Crane, MD, I don't think that's a good idea for the two of you.
And as Frasier Crane, man, I don't think it's a good idea for the three of us.
Frasier, listen to me.
Sam needs my help in the bar.
If you feel any jealousy, let me assure you I could work with this man all my life and feel nothing.
Work? I could live in the same house and never be tempted.
I could sleep in the same bed and get nothing but a good night's rest.
I could get out of jail after twelve years serve on a ship with an all-male crew for another four, be dropped off on a desert island for another three, eating nothing but raw oysters, and if Diane came out of the surf naked one day, all I'd want from her would be the hockey scores.
And you wouldn't even get that.
I'm afraid that's not good enough.
Diane, we're leaving.
Excuse me, Diane.
Doc, could I have a word with you? - What about? - Listen, Doc.
If you take her out that door now, those two will be dreaming dreams about each other from now on.
But, if she worked here, Doctor, hatred.
I'm glad Coach stopped me to ask me about career opportunities in psychiatry.
Yes, Harvard is excellent.
You see, it gave me some time to reflect.
- Diane, you must come back to work.
- I must? You and Sam had an emotional experience.
Now this will give you an opportunity to defuse, to demythologise your romance.
Isn't he amazing? Abundantly.
- Sammy, are you going to tell Carla? - Yeah Maybe you ought to give me a hand.
What's this all about? - Got her? - Check.
Carla, Diane is coming back to work here.
Really? At last, some help.
And she's had experience, too.
I hope she can start right away.
Take her in the back.
You think I'll try to kill her, or hurt her, or maim her.
Walls, walls, walls.
Sam, Diane and I really must be going.
- But we'll be seeing each other again.
- I guess we will.
Hey, Frasier, let me congratulate you on your new honey.
Thanks, Sam.
I've never been happier.
Let me congratulate you, too, Diane.
For heaven's sake, give her a kiss.
- Yeah, why not? - Why not? Seems appropriate.
Now there's a healthy beginning.
Nuts about me.
Pitiful.
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