Everybody Hates Chris s03e02 Episode Script

CHRIS: After two years at Corleone, I felt like things had finally started to turn around.
My grades were okay, I liked most of my teachers, and I had made friends.
Make that, a friend.
But he was a good one.
There was only one problem that wasn't going away.
Morning, Cocoa Puffs.
( LL Cool J's "I'm Bad" playing ) Caruso had made my life a living hell.
He had beaten my ass every day and nothing kept him away.
Not a 104-degree fever.
( sneezes ) And not even a national holiday.
Happy Fourth of July, Sammy.
~ I'm notorious, I'll crush you Like a jellybean ~ Hey, what time is it? Seen Caruso? He's usually punching you in the face right now.
( yelling ) As far as I was concerned, this was better than Enter the Dragon.
You want some more? ( whispers ): No.
Smart move.
~ Aw-w, I'm bad ~ ( thunder rumbling ) What are you staring at? Did you just see that? Saw it, but I don't believe it.
Other than being glad that I wasn't next, at that moment, I couldn't have been happier.
ALL: ~ I've got joy down in my soul ~ See ya.
Wouldn't want to be ya.
( funky hip-hop theme playing ) ~ Oh, make it funky now ~ CHRIS: After seeing Caruso get a beat down, I had one question.
Who is that kid anyway? His name's Bernard Yao.
Apparently he's been going here since last year.
I never heard of him.
How do you think Caruso's gonna deal with getting beaten up? Same way he deals with everything: He's gonna take it out on me.
Since the day I got to Corleone, if Caruso had a problem, as far as he was concerned, it was my fault.
When he got an F on his paper F? You're probably right.
You wearing a cup? What? No.
Are you? Every day.
You want to borrow it? No, I'm okay, thank you.
Greg's cup was actually a thimble.
It's your funeral.
Oh, no.
What? Holy Nicole Simpson.
Can you hand me a carton of milk, please? This is worse than I thought.
Uh, Caruso, you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
And can you call me Joey? Joey? Joey? Joey.
Caruso looked about as happy as Bobby Brown in a health food store.
Did you see that? I don't blame him.
If somebody roundhouse kicked me across a street, I'd avoid him too.
Greg avoided trees because he once got a splinter.
Yao didn't just beat him down, he beat the bully out of him.
( gasps ) While I was free from Caruso, my dad was free from work.
You don't need to work this morning? Your daddy's on vacation this week.
Man, I wish I could take a week off.
I need a vacation.
What for? You're a kid.
Your whole life's a vacation.
( playful theme playing ) This is a waste of time.
I should be working.
You got five paid vacation days.
Paid, Julius.
Yeah, but they're paying me for a 40-hour week.
I average close to 70.
If you think about it, I'm actually losing money.
Then don't think about it.
Baby, get some rest.
Pay attention to your health for a change.
There's nothing wrong with my health.
You got the gout, high blood pressure, arthritis, a bad back, the sniffles, an ingrown toenail, seborrhea, psoriasis, a strained ligament, dyspepsia and gastric reflux.
My mother was making a lot of sense.
Unfortunately, all my father heard was You got the light bill, the gas bill, the phone bill, the heat bill, the water bill, car note, taxes, insurance, food, rent, clothes, heating, cooling, washing, drying My mother thought it was work that gave my father stress.
But she was wrong.
It was debt.
Which is why he did this.
Hey, Frank, it's Julius.
Listen, I got a few days off and I'm looking to pick up a little work.
So FYI, my sources tell me that Yao likes using the upstairs bathroom by the art room.
What sources? What are you, Spenser for Hire? I guess that makes me Hawk.
It's not important.
All that matter is that you avoid using it.
Why? Just because Yao beat up Caruso doesn't mean he's going to beat us up too.
Did you see the way he was looking at us when he came out of that alley? I'm not taking any chances.
You're overreacting.
( both scream ) Okay, look, we don't want any trouble.
What's this? My lunch money.
I always pay on time, and I don't even mind tossing in a few extra bucks around the holidays.
What is wrong with you guys? I don't want your money.
But after what you did to Caruso, we figured you were taking over.
I'm not taking over anything.
I just got tired of him picking on me.
That's why I took karate.
It was either that, or give up my lunch money.
If I had to pay for karate lessons, I wouldn't have had lunch money.
Now, that's what I call relaxing.
Mm.
It's getting late.
You better be going.
What do you mean? It's only 8:15.
You never know.
There could be traffic.
I wouldn't want you to be late for work.
Well, I think I have time for a cup of coffee.
Ooh, could you get me another cup? Look, I'm just saying, you know, you're still on your three-month probation.
I wouldn't want you to have a mark on your record.
Oh, please, that office is so disorganized.
I'm gonna sit right here and have my cup of coffee.
And besides, they don't keep records of anything anyway.
Ironically, she worked at the Department of Records.
( grunts ) Baby, uh, we're out of coffee, but, um, maybe you can pick up another cup on the way to work.
( scoffs ) Okay, all right, I get it, I get it.
You want me to leave so you can have your day of relaxation.
I get it.
Have a good day.
Have a good day.
All right, get some rest.
All right.
( quietly ): See you.
Okay.
Clark Kent's got nothing on him.
( funky theme playing ) I'm out.
The next few days at school were the best I'd ever had at Corleone.
For the first time, Caruso didn't knock the books out of my hand when he passed me.
Hi, Chris.
( playful theme playing ) He didn't shove me in a locker.
Hi, Chris.
And the only name he called me was mine.
Hey, Chris.
For the first time I could remember, I didn't have a problem at school.
Hey! Agh! Give me your lunch money.
I didn't have a problem, now I had a lot of problems.
Caruso losing the fight with Bernard Yao was good and bad.
On the upside, Caruso was no longer on my back.
On the downside, I was getting beaten like eggs at IHOP.
Hey, give me your lunch money.
Hey, don't give him your lunch money.
Give me your lunch money.
He's gonna give it to me.
No, he's gonna give it to me.
No, he's not.
You're gonna give it to me! You're-- It's mine! He's gonna give it to me! This is how kids used to fight before there were guns in school.
Huh? Bring it on! Bring it on! Bring it on! ( fists smacking ) ( crowd groaning ) ( tense theme playing ) All clear.
It's like there's not enough of you to go around, man.
I haven't seen anger and violence like this since my custody hearing.
Me neither.
Well, at least outside my neighborhood.
What's going on? When Yao beat up Caruso, it threw the whole school out of whack.
What do you mean? The school is like The Godfather.
There's a hierarchy, and on top is Don Corleone.
But in our case, Don Caruso.
( dramatic orchestral theme playing ) Caruso was the toughest kid in school.
No one dared challenge his authority.
Almost everybody hated Caruso, but a lot of kids envied him.
They wanted to be him, but were too scared to do anything about it.
When Caruso was out of the way, the school was up for grabs.
( all yelling ) It was going to be a bloodbath, and I knew that unless I did something it was going to be my blood.
Dude, how do you know all this? When you spend a lot of time in dark lockers, you think about things.
I started writing my first HBO Special in a locker.
( chuckles ) ( sighs ) So, what do we do now? We got to put Caruso back in power.
ROCHELLE: Mm-hm.
Forty-seven dollars for alimony?! DREW: I bet you don't.
TONYA: Bet you I will.
DREW: I bet you don't.
TONYA: Keep dreaming.
A wood chipper? Where did she get a wood chipper from? Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
He left her for a midget? Uh-huh.
Ma, I'm home.
Uh-huh.
Right.
Hey, Mom, where's Dad? He's probably sleeping.
Leave him alone, 'cause he needs his rest.
And boy, close my door.
You don't live in a barn.
Uh-huh.
I didn't even open that door.
Back at school, I feared for my life.
So I couldn't even enjoy the epidemic of white-on-white violence.
( Genesis' "Land of Confusion" playing ) ~ So we look for the future ~ ~ But there's not much love To go round ~ Look at that.
Caruso's a broken man.
~ Tell me why This is a land of confusion ~ Don't worry, I know how to fix him.
Caruso lost a fight to the new champ.
But I figured he couldn't resist a fight with the old chump.
What is wrong with you? Let go of me.
What's wrong with you? You're what's wrong with me, walking around here like a sad Richie Cunningham.
You should be kicking some serious butt.
What are you talking about? Yao kicked the crap out of you.
You're just gonna take it? Well, what do you expect? Well, maybe you can't beat him, but you can beat me.
I mean, come on, punch me, kick me, push me on the ground, something.
Have you lost your mind? Yes.
Have you lost your mind? Call me Stymie, Rochester, Tootsie Roll, Inkwell.
Come on, man.
What are you doing? Prompting an angry call from Bill Cosby.
Look, I-I got to go.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You want to act like a punk, I'm gonna treat you like a punk.
Give me your lunch money, Opie.
First time I was scared he wouldn't hit me.
All right, here.
J-just leave me alone.
( playful theme playing ) Well, that didn't work.
So now what? Well, we got his lunch money.
Let's go get a pizza and think about it.
We got a pizza, but eight different bullies took a slice.
Since I couldn't get Caruso to put a stop to things, I had to go to the guy who started it.
Hey, Yao, can I talk to you for a second? Give me your lunch money first.
I'm joking.
Yeah, good one, jackass.
What do you want? I have a problem and I need your help.
I got my own problems.
I guarantee they can't be worse than mine.
I'm failing math.
I got work to do.
I don't have time for this.
Wait, you're not good at math? What, just because I'm Asian, I have to be good in math? You're black, can you moonwalk? I didn't mean it like that.
And, no, I can't moonwalk.
So I can't use chopsticks.
I don't like watermelon.
Can't make a swan out of paper.
Don't have sickle cell anemia.
I don't own a dry cleaners.
I bet you like rice.
You know what, man, just forget this.
It's simple, I need you to fight Caruso again.
Why would I do that? At least when Caruso was in control, we only had one person to worry about.
And now, everybody's kicking the crap out of anybody they can get their hands on.
And nine times out of ten, it's me.
I don't want to fight.
If you don't want to do it for me, then do it for the school.
We may not want a bully, but we need a bully.
Look, I already fought him once and beat him.
What makes you think he would fight me again? Let me take care of that.
And what's in it for me? Caruso.
I know you're in here.
It's me, Chris.
What? I need to talk to you.
I knew I had to convince Caruso to face Yao.
Now it was the biggest fight of my life and I wasn't even in it.
I don't have any more money.
Man, would you just come out here? Man, what is wrong with you? I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually feel bad for you.
You used to run this school.
And now look at you.
You're sad, pathetic, and scared out of your mind.
Shoot, if you were black, you'd be me.
What do you want from me? You need to stand up to Yao.
Are you crazy? He hit me in the eye with a Siberian flying tiger.
I couldn't see straight for three days.
So? When I first came to this school, you smacked me around.
But I stood up to you.
CROWD: Fight! Fight! Fight! And you smacked me around some more.
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! So, what's your point? You see, every superhero needs a villain.
I mean, where would Superman be if it wasn't for Lex Luthor? He'd be at the Hall of Justice watching super TV.
( sighs ) And the Fantastic Four, where would they be if it wasn't for Dr.
Doom? At the circus.
( sighs ) The reason you need to stand up for yourself is because I need you.
The school needs you.
And unless you want to spend the rest of the school year slinking around and being scared to let me kick the crap out of you, you need to stand up for yourself.
You really think I can beat him? I don't think so, I know so.
After a few days of successfully working his secret job, my dad ran into two problems: Drew and Tonya.
I still don't see how you threw your back out doing nothing.
Oh, I must've slept funny.
Well, you sleep harder than you work.
Hey, Dad, you probably hurt you back carrying all those packages.
What? Yeah, this afternoon, me and Drew saw you on Fulton Avenue when we were walking home from school.
Okay, baby, here's some aspirin.
It'll relax your muscles a bit.
Who did y'all see on Fulton Avenue? Nobody.
They're just talking.
Oh.
Well, whoever that was, he looked just like you.
DREW: I hope he doesn't hit somebody in the head with a pipe and run, because if he does, you're going to jail.
TONYA: I mean, for real, Dad, he looked just like you.
Bald head, beard, dark skin, everything.
I even called you.
I said, "Daddy!" Sure did.
Then the guy turned around and looked right at us, covered his face with a package, and ran inside the building.
Hey, baby, you want a beer before dinner? Oh, thanks.
Who did y'all see running into a building? Nobody.
They just playing.
Heh-heh, these kids, playing all the time.
Hm.
Okay.
( funky theme playing ) TONYA: I don't know, Dad.
If they had a look-like-you contest, he would win.
Yeah.
Okay, okay, fine.
( quietly ): It was me.
I took a job delivering packages for the week.
Ooh.
You're supposed to be on vacation.
Mama's gonna be mad.
Not if you keep your mouth shut.
You know Mom hates to be the last to find out about stuff.
And I don't want her mad at me.
Do you guys like having a father? Yes.
Yes.
Keep quiet.
And I'll give you five dollars.
Each? Yeah.
Now shh.
I had brought two fighters of different ethnicities together for a fixed fight.
I felt just like Don King.
Hey, fried rice.
What took you so long? Why don't you ask your mother? ( crowd "oohs" ) ( Rush's "Tom Sawyer" playing ) ALL: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Where you going? Don't you want to see who wins? What's the difference? Either way, tomorrow, someone's gonna be kicking the crap out of me.
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Back on my dad's secret job, he didn't know it, but the shipment was about to hit the fan.
( grumbles quietly ) H-h-hey, excuse me, excuse me.
Look, I'll give you five dollars if you go in there and get a package for me.
What are you? You're some kind of pervert.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, look.
I'll give you ten, man, hey! Damn! ( playful theme playing ) ( mumbles ) Can I help you? ( coughs ) Hey, baby.
How you doing? If that's what my mother looks like catching my father with another job, it's no wonder he never had another woman.
What you doing here? I'm working.
What are you doing here? Relaxing? Drew and Tonya-- Yeah, Drew and Tonya.
Now you're bribing your own kids? You should be ashamed of yourself.
And you only gave them ten measly dollars? You could've at least gave them 20.
How did you know I was going to be here? Who do you think called for you to pick up the package? Look, I'm just trying to make some extra money so we can get ahead, baby.
Baby, how are you gonna get ahead if your behind is laying in a coffin? Julius, I need for you to relax so I can relax.
You understand? I'm sorry.
I-I didn't know it was that important to you.
( sighs heavily ) Go home.
And if you're not asleep by the time I get home, I'm gonna knock you out.
( chuckles ) No, don't kiss me, I'm in my place of business.
Well, at least let me get the package.
There is no package.
( scoffs ) Go to sleep.
And I'm keeping the ten dollars.
For a few days, I had something I'd always wished for: No Caruso.
But the only thing worse than life with him was life without him.
Everybody was talking about the fight, but I knew how it ended before it started.
Well, you did it, man.
Caruso's back.
Yeah, I guess I'm a real hero.
Superfool.
( upbeat funky theme playing ) Greg? Thanks, Sandman.
Give me my money.
You owe me a pizza.
Thank you.
Thanks, nothing.
You got what you wanted.
I let Caruso beat me, and now I get what I want.
Either I pass my math class or it's your ass.
What's he angry about? Can't he see I'm the one in the locker? ~ Everybody Hates Chris ~ ( funky hip-hop theme playing )