Family Guy s03e02 Episode Script

Previously on "Family Guy": Oh, my God.
Tell your father|not to start the car.
You want my badge number?|Here's my freakin' badge number! - I can't lose this case.
|- Lois, the case is already over.
(sobbing) Who did this to you?! In all my research,|I've never seen a virus reproduce so fast.
(both scream) Everyone I told about the file is dead.
What do you mean, "Cut the blue wire"?|They're all blue.
Face it.
He's never coming out of that coma.
Aaaargh! (gasps) Brian's gone to Los Angeles|to find himself.
"It seems today that all you see "Is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those|good old-fashioned values "On which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who positively can do|all the things that make us "Laugh and cry "He's a family guy Don't throw out Brian's things.
He won't be in LA for ever.
|He just needs to find himself.
He's not coming back, Lois.
|He just walked out on us.
Oh, boy, did we have some good times.
Here it comes, buddy.
Argh! Oh, God! Oh, God! Argh! Ow! What are the odds? Argh! If he does come back,|I want everything to be how he left it.
Easy! Massage the scalp.
You're washing a baby's hair, not|scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress.
- We got a letter from Brian.
|- Tell him I'm not here.
- Let me see.
|- Argh! Argh! Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
|There.
All better? You are some piece of work, lady.
|If you Actually, yes, it is.
"Greetings from California.
|I've been very busy.
" "Having a great time trying|to make it as a writer in LA.
" "It's as easy as everyone thinks it is.
" "I've been working the room|at a lot of Hollywood parties.
" Oh! Bobby! Loved you in Raging Bull.
Hey, Jodie, how's the baby? All right.
I need more cheese puffs.
Oprah's off the|wagon.
No toothpicks.
She'll hurt herself.
Did you hear about Jason?|Paramount bought his script.
- They bought Death Spares Not the Tiger?|- 100 grand.
Pretty good, huh? Sheesh.
He's been in LA|how long? Unbelievable.
You know he actually called the main|character John Everyman? Come on.
Well, good for him.
(inhales deeply) Keanu Reeves.
Wow.
I don't usually gush, so forgive me, but when|I was writing Coastguard Oh, I'm a writer.
When I was writing Coastguard,|I couldn't think of anyone other than - There's a woodpecker on your head.
|- Yeah, he comes and goes.
(" musical intro) Now back to "Kids Say the Darndest Things".
It's OK.
Take your time.
Then what happened? He said he would kill me|if I ever said anything.
- Do you remember what he looked like?|- Yeah.
He had a scar on his arm and he had a big, stupid, doo-doo head.
A big, stupid, doo-doo head! (audience laughs) Oh, honestly, the things|these children come up with.
If you have a child you'd like to exploit to get|a trip to LA, have them try out for our show.
Next auditions in New York|and Quahog, Rhode Island.
- Maybe Stewie could get on that show.
|- You must be shrooming.
Yeah! We can get a free trip|to LA and see Brian.
Jeez, I haven't been to California|since I lived with my other family.
Guys, I just got invited to a party|at Sharon Tate's house! You guys can come, but you gotta|promise not to embarrass me.
Talk! I know you've been plotting|to foil my plans of world domination.
Who are you working for?|The Libyans? The French? Very well.
If torture won't work,|perhaps a little tenderness will.
Mm, I like your taste in women.
Yes, she and I|are going to have a good time together.
Yes, you like this, don't you? Oh, God.
Look at me having sex|with a pig.
I've become my father.
Stewie, let's get your sailor suit.
You gotta look cute|to audition for national TV.
Lois, I told you.
There's no way National TV, you say? Coast to coast? That could be the ideal place to unleash my|hypnosis device on the unsuspecting public.
I always loved this little sailor suit.
|Or we could do nice corduroys and a sweater.
Or you could make yourself useful|and wipe my button - circular motion.
And don't you look at me! Oh, my God.
That's Michael Eisner.
|I'll take it from here, Julio.
Here you go, Mr Eisner.
It's been Brian-ised.
You might notice that new-script smell.
Every car I hand-wash|comes with a smile, an air freshener, and a copy of my coming-of-age|teen comedy set in Wisconsin.
- What's your name?|- Brian.
Let's see.
There we go.
Brian.
See you at Disneyland.
Bring money.
Look.
It's Tom Tucker from the news.
|And that must be his son.
- Oh, my.
|- I feel bad staring without having got a ticket.
How can I follow that act?|Bite the head off a chicken? - Dad, they're staring at me.
|- They're just jealous.
(shudders) - You're next.
|- Wait.
We were next.
Hey! Hey! Don't walk away from me! Hey! (sighs) You know what we'll do? We'll get|the video camera and make our own show.
- I don't wanna.
|- Yes, you do.
You do because it's normal.
Tell us, Stewie.
What job does a mommy do? Interesting question.
|More to the point, how does one define "job" without branding oneself with useless|labels? I'm sorry.
I'm afraid I answered|your question with another question.
Um How old do you think Daddy is? Oh.
I mean, Daddy's old.
I think he's seven.
(all laugh) That's it.
That's what you want to hear.
|Yes, jump through the hoop.
Daddy's feet smell.
Jackasses.
(laughing) Mr and Mrs Griffin, he's adorable.
Congratulations.
|Stewie's gonna be on the show.
Did you hear that? We're going to Hollywood,|where people are sexy and clever and always say somethin' funny|before the commercial break.
Great.
I always end up|sitting next to a damn baby.
What did you just say? - Stewie, stop fussing.
|- Not now, Lois.
Turn around.
If you've got|something to say, say it to my face.
Oh, you can't hear me now? That's it.
I was going to watch the movie,|but forget it.
You're now my bitch.
Wah! Wah! My ears are popping|and there's no way to console me.
I'm hungry and possibly teething.
|Maybe I'm wet.
Who knows? I'm a baby.
Wah! Wah! (answerphone) This is a message|for Brian.
This is Jack Nicholson.
Listen, I read your script|and it just jumped right off the page.
I think it's something I'd be excited|to be a part of, so call my (man bursts out laughing) Listen, I'm just jackin'you.
Me and my buddy|Phil just found your script at Starbucks.
- (Phil) Tell him it sucks.
|- Yeah, it sucks.
Give it up, loser, and don't put|your number on the cover, you stupid (Phil laughs) I'm hungry.
- (phone rings)|- Jasper's residence.
- Who the hell is Jasper? Where's Brian?|- Peter? It's me.
Jasper's my cousin.
I'm using his place.
He's working|at Club Med.
Are you on a cell? - Yeah, we're in LA.
|- What? W-What a terrific surprise.
- Brian, can we see you for dinner?|- Yeah, you're not too famous to see us? Well, I was invited to the premiere|of the new, uh the new Val Kilmer picture,|but I'd rather take you out to dinner.
- How about Musso & Frank's at eight?|- OK.
See ya later, Mr Big Shot Crap.
I didn't push "End".
|This is gonna cost me a fortune.
Brian! I'm back.
Tell me everything.
|I'm sitting, I'm hearing.
That's Ricardo.
Ricardo, Brian.
|He doesn't speak English.
Can I? Mm-mm.
Catching up.
OK, me first.
I'm in love.
|Ooh, too much dressing.
He's from the Philippines.
|I know - I'm a rice queen.
- How's the writing thingy going?|- Terrible.
I can't get my foot in the door.
I have somebody you have to meet.
|He's a producer.
He's great.
Really? Thanks.
That'd be great.
- D'you like sex and the city?|- It's an OK show.
I wasn't talking about the show.
|Ooh! I'm nasty.
(imitates ship's horn)|Someone send me out to sea.
It says here this is the gutter|where the policeman fell over laughing after Eddie Murphy said he was just|giving the transvestite a ride home.
- (ringing)|- Oh, I think that's me.
- Hello.
|- Hey, Peter.
It's Quagmire.
- Hey, Quagmire.
|- Last night I had sex with a black chick.
Uh uh I gotta go.
- Sorry.
|- What? All he said was "black chick".
I know, but your boyfriend looks like|one of your typical angry black guys.
Hey, we cool, G?|Yuh? Yuh? Yuh? All right.
Halle Berry would be perfect as the camp|counsellor all the kids wanna "get with".
Jasper was right.
You're very talented.
I'm having a brainstorm.
|Ever thought about directing? - Just every waking hour!|- Well, I got this movie.
It's a low-budget movie,|but the script is solid.
My director quit and I need somebody who's|smart, ambitious and not addicted to meth.
Well, I am smart and ambitious! - Seriously.
|- I'm clean.
Musso & Frank's is famous.
|See the bar over there? - Great writers like Hemingway drank there.
|- Where'd that guy who wrote Porky's drink? Oh, man, when that fat broad grabbed|that kid's crank through the hole.
Where do they get their ideas?|You're the writer.
You tell me.
Oh, boy.
This is great.
All that searching,|that emptiness I felt back home, gone.
- I've finally found my life's calling.
|- How wonderful.
I've always found your writing|a little hackneyed and stilted, but I guess that's why I'm not|workin' out here in Hollywood, huh? - Oh, congratulations on all your success.
|- Uh, thank you.
- Know what might be a thrill for you guys?|- Ooh! Eating a pebble! Yes, but I was talking about|stopping by the set to see me in action.
- Brian, could we really?|- You do know somebody in the business.
I'm in the business too, you know.
|I'm going to be on television.
- Great.
|- And when I make my appearance, - you'll all be talking about it the next day.
|- Good luck with that.
"Good luck with that.
" Yutz.
(ringing) - (woman) Hello.
Peter Griffin?|- You're in him.
Are you happy with|your long-distance service? Yes, and I'm tired of you people|always calling during dinner.
- Give me your supervisor.
|- Hold, please.
(" "Looks Like We Made It" by Barry Manilow) Oh, Peter, I love this song.
|Open your mouth.
(" song gets louder) Brian.
Right on time.
I like that.
Come in.
So, ready to shoot your first scene? - Sure.
Where's the set?|- Second door on your left.
- So, this is a shampoo commercial, right?|- Do I have to sleep with the dog in this one? Can someone fluff Paul?|He's got a windsock thing goin' on.
So, this is a shampoo commercial, right? Zack, I'm sorry.
|There's just no way I can do this.
I've been around.
|I've licked my share of peanut butter.
But I think you need|to find yourself a new director.
- Are you sure?|- I just can't do this.
Is this any more degrading than|washing cars? Here you can be creative.
I wanna make this perfectly clear.
There is|absolutely no way I would consider doing it.
- Unless I saw a script first.
|- Of course.
- This isn't bad.
|- It's like Bang the Drum Slowly, except the drum's a chick.
(honking) Peter, slow down.
Brian said|he was gonna be on the set all day.
"On the set"! Listen to me.
Two days in|Hollywood and I sound like a contract player.
(siren) Oh, crap.
The LAPD.
Argh! Ow! Argh! Ow! Come on, Peter.
I wanna save some tape|for the Hollywood sign.
- OK.
Hey, thanks a lot, you guys.
|- Our pleasure.
Have a nice vacation, sir.
Ooh! (woman, breathily) Yes yes yes Cut.
OK, nice take, Jenna, but let's try|giving the lines a little subtext this time.
Your husband's always away on business|and you feel isolated and unloved, so you begin to think maybe|you should go back to graduate school.
That's when you notice|the cable man has no pants on.
Wow, a real movie set.
|Hey, this house looks kinda familiar.
I'll bet Samuel L Jackson is here.
|He's in everything.
There's Brian! All right, Samuel, when you lay her down,|I want you to enter from Oh, my God! - Hey, you guys.
|- Hey, Brian.
Can I be in the movie? The Jacuzzi girl didn't show.
How long|can you hold your breath under water? - Real long.
One time at Hatch Pond|- No, absolutely not.
You gotta leave.
- Get these people out.
|- Now you're a director, we embarrass you? - No, no I mean, yes.
|- Does anyone else smell Astroglide? You're gonna look so handsome.
Look at these crow's-feet.
God.
You stay up|past 7.
30 and you pay for it in the morning.
- Who the hell does Brian think he is?|- Maybe he thought we'd get in the way.
It's not the first time|you've disrupted a performance.
- (crowd gasps)|- Oh, jeez.
Oh, God.
I didn't see it.
It jumped right out in front of my car.
|Oh, I am so sorry.
We just have to face it.
Brian's a Hollywood|director, and we're small-town people.
- All right, one more.
Uh, Rob Lowe?|- Straight.
- No!|- Yes.
- Stop.
|- Ho-hum.
- Pull over.
|- Absolutely.
- Oh, well, he hides it well.
|- He wishes.
(applause) Stewie.
That's a funny name.
Stewie.
- It's like stew, only with an "ie!" at the end.
|- (laughter) - Hm.
|- I meant it's funny, Stewie.
I had an uncle named Stewie,|and he used to sell bicycles.
Aren't you supposed to be|asking me a question? What do you think candies are made out of? Sunshine and farts.
What a silly question.
I love candy.
When I was a little boy|we would play stickball.
No, no, I'll wait.
Oh, you finished? Sorry.
I thought the name of the show|was Kids Say the Darndest Things, not Old Black Comedians|Never Shut the Hell Up.
- Ask me what I want to be when I grow up.
|- And we also used to play buck-buck.
Enough of your blether.
Good evening, world.
|From this moment on, I will be your (chuckles) What you got there?|Oh, you're gonna go skiing now? Give that back.
They're of no use to you.
Oh, I'm going down the mountain.
|Coo-coo-cachoo.
No! Don't listen to him.
That's not funny.
That's just saying|what happens when you go skiing.
Here I go, down the slope.
Ooh, I'm goin' zip-zop, zooba-de-bop.
Stop it.
Stop applauding him.
|He's not even using real words any more.
We'll be back with a girl from Atlanta|who skips rope with her sister's pigtails.
Coo-coo! - No, my segment's not over!|- Come on, you like to jump rope, don't ya? - I like jump rope.
|- So you're gonna sit here and enjoy it.
I'm gonna sit here and enjoy it.
|And I like pudding.
And Ghost Dad was the best movie|I've seen since Leonard Part 6.
(applause) - Good news.
|- What? More people I love think I'm a jerk? You're more than that, Mr "Nominated|for an Adult Movie Award for Director".
- A Woody? I'm up for a Woody?|- Call your family.
They'll be proud of you.
I'd rather they think I'm a jerk|than a smut pedlar.
They'll love you even if you made|a couple of crappy movies.
Blythe Danner still loves Gwyneth Paltrow.
|Oops! Score one for me.
Welcome back to E's Adult Video Awards|Pre-show.
It's a good crowd tonight, Mom.
It sure is, Melissa.
|All the studs and sluts are arriving.
- Brian.
Brian!|- Oh, hey.
You're nominated for three films|you directed yesterday.
Add Mama to the Train,|The Purple Head of Cairo and, uh - What was the third one?|- You've Got Male Genitalia.
I was asked to star in a porno, but I couldn't|cos most of my body's less than 18 years old.
- I used to guest-host The Tonight Show.
|- Oh, yeah.
What was that, 30 years ago? Your mike isn't plugged in.
- You're not even on TV right now, are you?|- In my mind.
(wails) The next award is for Best Original Score in|an adult film.
The nominees are: Ron Jones.
(" Muzak) Walter Murphy.
(" Muzak) And John Williams.
(" vibrant classical piece) You've come a long way|from hiding from the vacuum cleaner.
- Lois!|- Hey, buddy.
How are ya, Alfred Hitch Cock? You like that one, Dick Hertz? Huh?|I'm sorry.
I'm already drunk.
- How did you guys know I'd|- Jasper called.
- Why didn't you tell us?|- I thought you'd be ashamed of me.
No! I oughta knock you out|for not bringing me here sooner.
The pair on that one's|bigger than your head.
- So you guys aren't offended by this?|- I can't say I approve but we love you.
If this is what makes you happy,|we support you.
My God.
I thought I needed to get away from|you guys to find what was missing in my life, but the only thing I'm missing is my family.
How could I have become involved|in this degrading business? (awards host) And the award goes to|Brian Griffin.
Whoo! Whoo! Oh, wow.
My God.
Oh! This is unexpected.
I wanna thank my incredible team, who've been with me from Shaving|Private Ryan to Welcome to my Face.
He lives with us back in Quahog.
You got a nice wiggle, baby.
You wanna be|in a movie? A little girl-girl action maybe? - Oh Peter!|- Good luck, buddy.
I've been barking up that tree for 17 years.
Wow.
That was a wonderful trip, and|everyone has something to remember it by.
You're gonna love it at our house,|Jenna Jameson.
(muffled protests) English SDH