Frasier s03e02 Episode Script

You try and try, but at some point you finally have to admit as much as you care about each other your relationship isn't working and hasn't been for some time.
But you two wouldn't be sitting here with me if you didn't want to save this relationship.
Isn't that true? I'm be willing to try.
I can't speak for You don't have to speak for me, Niles.
-I'm perfectly capable of speaking for myself.
-Yes, I know.
Caruso wasn't so in love with the sound of his own voice.
What does that mean? Well, you tell me, Enrico.
What do you think it means? I guess I can tell you Gentlemen! Now, are we agreed that we want to do something to fix this problem? Why doesn't one of you tell me how this started? Well, it began with me.
Last week, I was at work doing my radio show.
I was on the air with a troubled young woman.
She had just started telling me about a recurring dream she had since childhood.
Okay, I'm in my bedroom.
I'd just gotten out of the bath tub to get dressed.
When I opened the closet, all my clothes are gone.
Suddenly, I hear the sound of footsteps on the drive outside.
I turn and there is a little girl with her nose pressed up against the window.
-Facinating! But her breath is clogging up the glass so that I can't make out her face.
Only, I'm sure she's come to tell me something important.
So, a girl on the other side of a glass with an urgent message.
And for some reason you're unwilling or able to receive it.
I'm sorry, Dr.
Crane, I hate to interrupt but you're all out of time for today.
Oh, dear.
Um, listen, Jill, I'm terribly sorry, but listen I'd like to continue talking to you when we're off the air so please don't hang up.
In the meantime, listeners I've enjoyed our time today.
Tune in again tomorrow when we'll be talking with Blah, blah, Frasier Crane Show, happy health, goodbye! -Yo, Jill.
You a football fan? -Not really.
-Beat it! All right, let's talk women scum! I hate this job.
Not only do I have to put up with that annoying little sweat-sock but when a caller comes in who has a truly fascinating problem I'm barely even able to scratch the surface.
It makes me want to run screaming back to private practice! I can imagine how frustrated you must be.
This show's gotta be constraining for a man of your staggering intellect.
Hold it, stop, wait a minute! You expect us to believe that Roz actually used a phrase like "staggering intellect"? It was something like that.
So, she might have said your "boundless brilliance" or, say, "the Olympian reaches of your wisdom.
" -Oh, Niles, do shut up.
-Oh, you shut up! Gentlemen, gentlemen! It is not important exactly what was said.
What is important is that he assumes it revolves around him when the truth is it started several days before that, with me.
I'd been having some trouble with the psychiatrist in the office next door.
His unconventional therapy had started to intrude upon my sessions.
Mrs.
Kelly, the key here is that you trust me.
So long as you're in this office you have no reason to feel anything but safe.
You must think of this as your refuge, your sanctuary.
I'm not saying that being a sole survivor of a plane crash wasn't a traumatizing experience for you.
But, I can get you to a point where the memories no longer haunt you.
His primal scream madness was ruining my practice.
I had to do something.
The opportunity presented itself that Friday.
I'd come to Frasier's for dinner.
I remember Daphne my father's health care worker, was telling the most delightful story Oh, I know what you're going though, dealing with a noisy neighbour.
Have I ever mentioned that couple that lived next door to me in London? A married couple, who made the most un-Godly racket - in bed! The walls must have been like tissue paper because I'd hear the whole performance every night.
Finally, I decided the only to get them to stop was to let them hear what I'd been hearing.
So, one night, I moved near the wall and I started Problem solved.
I'm sorry, Daphne, I drifted.
Would you mind telling that story again? Hold it, stop! Niles, you know full well that Daphne merely told us that story, she did not act it out.
-Didn't she? -No! Just tell the story! -Fine.
It was a few hours later.
We were having espresso and, perhaps to counter-act the stimulative effect Frasier was telling us about his day.
You know, I can't stop thinking about my last caller today.
Fascinating young woman who had a recurring dream.
You know who's a hell of a dreamer? Eddie.
One night I'd wake up, he's lying on my forehead dead asleep, with a big clump of my hair in his mouth, growlin'! Bet you'd love to analyze that little brain of his.
Yes, that would be the jewel in the crown of my career! Still, thinking about this woman has started me longing for private practice.
I guess I just miss the chance to dig deep with my patients.
-Have you considered seeing patients on the side? -Oh yes, of course.
I've got a list of people who've expressed interest.
Frasier, I have a proposition.
I mentioned that doctor in the office next door? Well, his lease is up.
If you were interested in his office, as his landlord I could tell him and his screaming meamies to hit the road! You and I Working side by side? I don't mind telling you the prospect sounds quite exciting! -We could consult on each other's patients.
-We could give seminars together.
-Even therapy groups! -Oh, my God! "Crane & Crane", I can see our logo already; a giant Crane hovering over a human head! Dad, why are you laughing? Why is Dad laughing? You two, you'll never learn.
-Oh, oh, you think this is a bad idea? -The restaurant you bought together that was a bad idea! The book you tried to write together, that was a bad idea! But this No, that restaurant was still the stupidest one.
-Two little mis-adventures and you doom us to failure.
-Oh, baloney.
You've been like this since you were kids.
You two can't work together.
Maybe Dad's right.
We're not ready for this.
-It could lead to conflict and tension.
-Hold it! -Niles, tell the truth! -Oh, all right.
Stop raining on our parade, Dad! To "Crane & Crane"! Well, our first day together began innocently enough -Good morning, Dr.
Crane.
-And to you, Dr.
Crane Oh, Niles, why should we be so formal, there's nobody around.
-It's a hi-five, Niles! -Oh, oh, oh, sorry.
-Coffee? -Oh, yes, please.
Oh, Niles, I can't tell you how much I've missed that.
The smell of the office place.
Freshly oiled leather couches, the pungent coffee the aroma of an exotic luncheon special wafting up from the cafeteria below.
Actually, that's the lab next door.
They lost power last night some of their tissue samples turned.
By the way, I've put together some recent articles you may want to peruse just to get up to speed.
-Up to speed? -Well it has been a while since you've practised and we could all use a little brushing up.
Well, that's very considerate of you.
-Just put my homework assignment in my box there.
-As you wish.
All right, where shall we put this then? -Well, the only place it should go, actually is right here by the couch, I think.
No, no, Daphne, here on the desk will pick up the earth tones in the carpet.
No, there's this desk space here by the coffee station.
Oh, underneath the heating vent?! Why not just give it a blindfold and a cigarette! -It's your office, put it where you like.
-No, no, it is your plant.
And it's my bleedin' back, so I'm putting it right here! Honestly, I don't know how you put up with him.
-Liar! Liar! Daphne never said that! -Well, she said it with body language.
I happen to be fluent in that language and she said nothing of the kind! Will someone tell me what's so important about this plant? You'll know soon enough.
I'm telling the rest of the story.
I'm putting it right here! You know the best thing about getting old? Your hair may turn grey your joints may stiffen, you may even have to walk with a cane.
But people still ask you to help them move! Forgive me for overburdening you, Dad.
Could you just put those in my office, please? Oh, look at your two names together on the door.
Er, Dr.
Crane, is your brother's name smaller than yours? Yes, that was the only way it would fit.
I assumed you wouldn't mind - after all, we're concerned here with healing people, aren't we? Of course, Niles.
If I were interested in self-promotion I guess I'd be content with my radio show heard every day by over half a million listeners the Pacific Northwest and parts of Canada! -What are you doing? -I'm moving the Chepalire.
I like it where it was.
Yes, but it didn't like it there.
It wants light.
You two tend to your plant, I'll go fetch the file cabinet! I have had this plant for two years and it has never been in direct sunlight.
Well, obviously, look at it, the leaves are puckering! They are not, they've wilted a little from the ride over in the trunk of the car.
Oh, nonsense Mafia snitches emerge from car trunks looking more robust! -This plant is going right over -And so it begins! Of course, the incident with the plant was only the beginning.
That was followed by a run-in at the receptionist's desk a row at the coffee machine, and a contretemps when Frasier lost the men room's key.
-That was an accident.
-Yes, it very nearly was.
I am so tired of your exaggeration.
You always make things fifteen thousand times worse than they are! I'm going to tell the story from now on! The point is, our nerves were, well, pretty much shot by the time we conducted our first therapy group together First off, I have a colleague to introduce.
He is not only an esteemed psychiatrist he happens to be my brother, Dr.
Frasier Crane.
Afternoon.
-Wow, you're Dr.
Crane from the radio.
-Guilty as charged.
Yes, but we all have to remind Dr.
Crane that this is real psychiatry now, not the radio.
No hanging up on the hard ones here! But rest assured I am trained to deal with a full range of issues.
Everything from envy to jealousy.
But I'll just be observing today.
I don't know you well enough to render any opinions yet, so just -pretend I'm not here.
-And good luck with that.
Mrs.
Kalish, perhaps you could bring us up to date on how you're dealing with your divorce.
-This is week two, isn't it? -Yes.
-Well, I actually had my first date last night.
-That's wonderful.
-Did you say something? -I don't think so.
It sounded like "Hmmm" like you disapproved.
Well, since you've asked.
I think in divorce we have painful feelings which are never the less healthy feelings.
We start to date too quickly and we want to be sure that that's not panacea for the pain.
Ooh, yes, you'll all find my brother's quite adept with those peppy little bromides; "panacea for the pain"! You can almost hear the phrase: We'll be right back after these words from "Pringles"! You don't want to wait too long before you date though, either.
I waited five years.
But then I was so desperate I stayed with the first woman who came along.
She ended up being the same controlling ice princess as my first wife.
-Well, Mr.
Carr -Wait, Dr.
Crane.
It sounded like your brother said something again.
Well, since you've asked.
It occurred to me that by waiting for five years and becoming, as you said, desperate that perhaps you were really giving yourself license to pursue the woman who reminded you of your first wife.
You had to repeat the pattern.
So, you're saying that it wasn't an accident? -We have an expression in psychiatry: "there are no accidents.
" Now let's check in with news and traffic.
Dr.
Crane, are you denying that most accidents happen for a reason? No, Dr.
Crane, I believe they do.
I'm reminded of a recent "accident" involving a four-inch wooden block attached to a men's room key which walked off in somebody's pocket! Clearly an act of hostility, wouldn't you say?! Certainly a well-deserved one considering what an insufferable prig someone has been today! You dare call me a prig after I rescued you from that sideshow you call a radio program? -One more crack about my show and I'll put that little wooden block in a place you'll always be able to find it! Group, take five minutes of quiet introspection! Frasier, I have made a fist and I'm thinking of using it.
Niles, you are not scaring me The thumb goes on the outside, Niles! On the outside! -How dare you try to steal my group! -I don't need your group! -I've got a group of my own, half a million strong! -Oh yes, your legions! Why don't you rent a farm pass out the body paint and call it "Frasier-stock"! You know, I'm just a little tired of your condescending attitude.
You have not missed one single opportunity to run down my show or grab a book off the shelf to help me "get up to speed!" My God, you're such a brilliant healer you've even taken over the care of my Schefflera! -Well, you were starving it of sunlight! -All right, fine.
Let's just give this little dear all the sunlight it needs! Are you insane?! If I were, "Doctor," you'd never know it! Is that my group? Group, group, come back, group! I'm very proud of this show of independence! -I hope you're happy! -If I were, "Doctor," you'd never know it! Stop saying that! -Dr.
Crane! -Hello, Dr.
Schachter.
-What's going on? I'm having a discussion with my brother.
I could hear your discussion across the hall in my office.
Well, you see, he waltzed in here like the belle of the ball and yet Now, look, you two are obviously in some distress.
As you know, I am a specialist in couples therapy.
Now I've never treated brothers before, but still if you step into my office, I'm sure I can help you.
Hold it! Hold it! I never said, "I'm sure I can help you.
" I said, "I may be able to help you.
" -See how he twists your words? -Right here, buddy boy.
Enough! You are doctors! I've never seen anything like this in my life.
You think he's trying to steal your patients and you think he's trying to undermine you as a psychiatrist.
But you must know what is at the root of this problem.
He is! No.
You have a fundamental lack of trust.
Now it may be so deeply rooted by now that it's impossible to change but there are certain exercises that we try provided that you two are willing.
Let's start with the most basic trust exercise there is.
Now, why don't you simply stand on this foot stool and fall backwards into your brother's waiting arms thus demonstrating that we can trust each other.
-Dr.
Crane, why don't you go first? -Well, all right.
-Just get up there, and let yourself go.
-All right.
Is he standing directly behind me? Yes, now trust your brother.
I'd feel better if he were wearing rubber soles.
Oh, for God's sake, Niles, just get down, I'll go first.
All right? -Is he in position? -Yes! Trust him! You should know he catches like a girl! I don't believe this.
Get down, will you? This couldn't be easier! I get up here I count to three, and you catch me.
One, two, three.
-Why didn't you catch him?! -Well, you were closer! -It was your turn! -"It was my turn"! That is it! That is it! In thirty years as a couples therapist I've never said what I'm about to say: Give up! It's hopeless! You are pathologically mistrustful of each another! Competitive to the point of madness! So, trust me, just meet each other at weddings and funerals, and the rest of the time stay the hell away from each other! Now, I am going to limp to the nearest pub and drink until the rest of me is as numb as my ass! That's quite a diagnosis.
Yes.
But there is no denying it.
We are -vindictive and competitive -Petty, mistrustful As so often in these cases it took someone outside our situation to point it out to us.
Well, Dad always said it, but he has no credentials.
Well, there's no arguing with Dr.
Schachter's credentials.
My God, the man is an expert in his field.
He graduated from the University of Grenada! Well, surely that was just his undergraduate schooling.
Oh yes, of course, his graduate work was done in Aruba! An all-Caribbean schooling well, tally me banana! I knew he was a fraud the minute he opened his mouth.
Oh, I'll have him out of his lease at the end of the week.
Niles, we still have time to catch a late lunch! Oh, oh, oh, "Peris" is just around the corner.
-Away we go.
Oh, "Chez Shea" is just as close.
Yes but the food at "Peris" is much better.
Oh, Niles.
Have you lost your mind?