Home Improvement s03e02 Episode Script

We did a great job on this letter.
Yeah! Mark's gonna fall for this big time.
Here he comes! Hey, Mark! You got a letter from the Detroit Pistons.
I did? Yeah.
The return address says it's from Isiah Thomas.
See? I told you he'd write me back.
What does it say? "Dear Mark.
Thank you for your 25 letters.
You're my biggest fan.
" Does he say anything else? "I can't wait to meet you.
"Don't tell anybody, but I'm coming to your house Saturday night.
P.
S.
If you're cooking, I love corn on the cob.
" He's coming to our house! Yeah! This is gonna be cool! Yeah! I'm gonna go put this in my scrapbook! Way to go, Marcus! Wow.
Yes! Oh, we are too good.
Well, what do you think? Could we put the kids in the middle? (all) Happy birthday to you! (cheering) OK, make a wish.
Come on.
(all) Yeah! Now, we eat.
OK, who wants sleeve, who wants armpit? Sleeve.
(Brad and Randy) Pits.
OK.
Tim? I'll just take a little chest hair.
So, Al, what did you wish for? Oh, no.
No, no.
I couldn't tell you that or it won't come true.
What are you, Al? Seven? Eight now? Sorry, Tim.
It's just that I'm a little superstitious about those things.
Yeah? Well, if you don't tell us what you wished for, you're not getting your present.
Well, if you must know, I I wished for a wife.
Hey! Perfect! That's what we got ya! Just don't overinflate her.
Tim, knock it off.
Al has a very good chance of getting his wish.
In fact, I might have somebody to introduce you to.
Really? Back the lonely-heart mobile up.
Stay out of this.
You are the worst matchmaker.
I am not! Besides this woman is perfect.
What's her name? I don't know.
So she's a good friend? She is the sister of the woman I sit next to at work.
She's supposed to be very sweet.
I'll call Beth, get her number, then call you.
Then you call her, then you call me and tell me everything she said.
No, no.
Then you call me.
I'll call Eddie, he'll call Freddie, we'll all get pedicures.
(watch alarm beeps) Gosh, it's seven already? I better call the bingo hall, tell 'em I'm running late.
This isn't your usual bingo night.
No, I know.
When you're a regular, they do something special for you on your birthday.
You get to sit next to the caller and use your age as a free space.
Tonight, I'm N35.
You know, it just seems like yesterday I was I19.
He really needs somebody.
Her name's Ilene and she's an orthodontist.
Who? The woman that Jill found for me.
Thank you I just spoke to her on the phone.
She has a delightful sense of humor.
Listen to this.
How does an orthodontist hold on to a lawyer? She makes him a retainer.
I think I know why she's available.
Well, I've invited her over for Friday night.
Told her there would be a few people.
Now I just have to find a few people.
Would you and Jill like to come? Can't make it.
And if you were smart, you wouldn't show up either.
Why? Jill is the world's worst matchmaker.
She put seven couples together.
Six are getting divorced.
Well, maybe we would be like the seventh couple.
The seventh couple couldn't get married.
Turned out they were cousins.
Does everybody know what time it is? It's "Tool Time"! That's right! Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! (cheering and applause) Thank you.
Thank you all, and welcome once again to Tool Time.
I'm your host, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant, Al "Catch of the Day" Borland.
It's Male Hobby Week all this week on Tool Time.
And today, Al and I are doing our Tool Time salute (fishing reel unwinding) to fishing.
Hobbies are important to men because they allow us to wind down a bit.
I can't speak for everybody, but I work awful hard all week long.
You have another job somewhere, Tim? Gosh, darn it.
That was funny, Al.
It really was.
Who's writing your material? An orthodontist? Bite on that one, big worm.
Look.
We're talking about fly-fishing today.
To get a good information base, we've invited a special guest.
I want a warm Tool Time welcome for ace angler Chuck Norwood.
(cheering and applause) Welcome, Chuck.
Thanks, Tim.
Al.
You brought a nice selection of rods here.
I'd love to see a worm try to wiggle off one of those big bad boys.
Actually, Tim, with fly-fishing, there's no live bait involved.
The fish are drawn to the fly.
Under the heading of flies, you've got two basic types.
The opened and closed, Chuck.
Chuck meant the dry fly and the wet fly.
This is a joke, Al.
The dry fly floats on top of the water, whereas your wet fly Has kept you out of every major restaurant in the Detroit area.
How about a little demonstration? Yeah.
This first one is a real classic.
It's handmade bamboo.
Look at this.
That's a good-looking rod.
The prices for that start at about $800.
Now it's $1600.
You got two of 'em.
We have an insurance policy for these little accidents.
Actually, our insurance cancelled after the fourth show.
Well, glue it.
What do we got now? This next one's my personal favorite.
This is a Morgan BXL graphite.
Not even you can break that, Tim.
Don't bet on it.
That's a beauty.
Look at that thing.
I bet you'd get a big old stinky bass on this thing.
Hey, Al.
Open up.
You want to be careful using a graphite rod in a lightning storm because it is an excellent conductor of electricity.
We've been known to have a lot of electrical storms in the studio.
I'm just saying that if they happen to be in an area that is susceptible Mom, can we have corn on the cob Saturday night? Sure.
Why? Not supposed to tell.
If you want corn, you'll tell.
OK.
Isiah Thomas is coming to dinner and he really loves corn.
Isiah Thomas? You can't say anything to anybody, OK? (Tim) Hey, I'm home.
Oh, I don't believe it.
Well, I'm right here.
What is this? Brad and Randy wrote to Mark pretending to be Isiah Thomas.
It's not from Isiah? Mark, no professional basketball player is gonna come to our house to eat corn.
Especially your mom's corn.
Honey Look, you're eight years old now.
It's time that we had this talk.
Stop being such a sap! But the letter looked so real.
Let me give you some guidelines here.
If something good happens to you, and Brad and Randy are happy that it happened, it's probably not a good thing.
I'm gonna get them back! Wait.
What are you gonna do to 'em? I'm gonna tell them that they're ugly and that their feet stink.
(whistles) Ouch! It's probably not a good idea to tell 'em stuff they already know.
Think of something, all right? OK.
By the way, keep Friday open.
I got sleepovers for all the kids.
We are going out.
All right! We almost got roped into going to Al's house.
Where are we going? Al's house.
No! More dip? No, thank you, Al.
Dipped out, big fella.
Don't worry, Al.
Ilene'll be here any minute.
Any minute.
Boy, I should take a look at that rack of lamb before it dries out.
She's 30 minutes late.
She's not coming.
Let's eat.
She's coming.
Stop whining.
Try to say something supportive.
Nice butt, Al.
(doorbell) Well, that's probably her now.
Hi.
Hi.
Al? Ilene? Would you like to come on in? Come on in.
Hi.
I'm Jill.
I work with Beth.
Nice to meet you.
And the man behind the cheese ball is my husband Tim.
Hi.
This is very exciting for me.
I'm a big fan of the show.
You are so funny.
Thank you very much.
And Al.
So competent.
Thanks.
Would you like something to drink? That'd be great.
Uh Wine? This really isn't like me, being late.
Normally I am right on time.
Or early.
What a coincidence.
Al is always early.
Isn't that right, Tim? Yeah.
Sometimes he shows up before he's invited.
I just couldn't get out of the office.
Then on the way over here my car stalled.
I'll take a look at it.
Al should look at it.
Ilene, I would love to look under your hood.
I mean I mean of your car! Of her car! Al, you have a great sense of humor.
A sense of humor is very important in a relationship.
If I didn't have a sense of humor, I never would have been able to stay with Tim.
(beeping) How long have you two been married? It seems like forever.
In a good way.
Children? Yes.
We have three delightful boys.
And who would they be? I myself would love a big family.
Me too.
Although I'm 36 and I worry it's a little late to be getting started.
Oh, no.
You have plenty of good childbearing years left.
It's not only that.
It's the whole process.
First you have to meet somebody, then you have to date, see if the chemistry's right.
I wish there was a way to cut through that.
So do I.
You do? You know, I I wouldn't want to be too forward, but I I would love to be the father of your children.
Do you mind if we eat first? "I'd love to be the father of your children.
" I still can't believe the woman didn't go running out of the apartment, screaming.
That's 'cause she's just as desperate as he is.
Honey, you've got to applaud yourself.
They're a perfect match.
We gotta talk to Al.
What are you doing? Don't talk No.
They're going way too fast.
Way too fast.
She practically moved in before dessert.
Her car stalls once on the way over, and by the end of the night, she thinks she can't make it home? "Oh, gee, Al.
Maybe I'd better stay on your couch.
" How long is she gonna be alone on that couch? Knowing Al, six months.
Come on! Hang up.
You are just not getting this at all.
These people are not acting rationally.
You're not acting rationally.
Hey, you cannot build a relationship based on desperation.
We did! Tim, they were naming their babies.
They were joking.
They laughed when I said, "Call it Tim.
" Remember? Hang up.
Not until you promise me you'll call them.
All right.
I won't call Al, I'll talk to him tomorrow.
OK? It's a waste of time.
They'll work it out.
When you're in a new relationship, you're on an emotional high.
But after a while, you come crashing down to reality.
I know I did.
Happy hour, Wilson? (chuckles) No! No, no, no, Tim.
I find that two coats of bourbon give my paintings a nice gloss.
Two coats of bourbon will give anybody a nice gloss.
Tim, it was rumored that the Mona Lisa was covered with a splash of whiskey.
That would explain why she had that little plastered look.
Actually, Tim, that look may have had more to do with her supposed relationship with Leonardo da Vinci.
I don't wanna talk about relationships today.
Problem, Tim? Yeah.
Jill's driving me nuts.
She fixes Al up with a girl he likes.
Now she thinks they're moving too fast and wants to break 'em up.
Why do women meddle in relationships? Men don't care about that.
Uh-oh.
You're falling victim to a cultural stereotype.
Historically, men have been the primary matchmakers.
(grunts quizzically) (grunts) For example, among the Xhosa Kaffir tribe, a young man's father would choose his first, sometimes even his second, wife in exchange for a sack of barley or a goat.
I'd hold out for a sack of cash and a Jag.
You see, unlike the ancient matchmakers, who received goods for their services, Jill's motives are much purer.
She only wants what's best for Al.
But why does she drag me into it? Who the heck knows? You know women.
OK, Mom.
Here's the fake letter.
We're gonna get them great! Boy, this is a big moment for you.
Your first prank against your brothers.
You came up with it all by yourself.
Mom, this is only the beginning.
Hi, guys.
How you doing? Ah, so tonight's the big night, eh, Mark? I hope you have enough corn for Isiah.
Hey, Mark.
Look at this.
You got a letter from Isiah Thomas.
Wow! Another letter.
Cool! Isiah's leaving me five tickets to the Bulls game! Wait a second.
Let me see that.
Oh, man.
Courtside seats for the whole family.
All we have to do is present the letter.
Wait a minute.
Let me see that.
Right.
We're invited to the locker room to get an autographed game ball after that? Oh, my gosh, I can't believe it! Oh, my gosh, I can't either.
Well, I don't believe it.
Did you guys write this? No! I swear! Really, Mom, we didn't.
Yeah, we wrote the other one! They wrote the other one! Yeah, but this one's real! Wait a minute.
You wrote a fake letter? Yeah, but this one's real.
This one's real.
I don't believe it.
Hey, hey, hey! Hey! No! Come on! (Brad) I got this piece.
Tim! Tim.
Mark wrote that letter.
I knew that.
We're all in this together.
Suckers, suckers.
Nice try, Dad.
I knew he did that.
Guys, go on up and wash your hands.
Good job! Can I go up and tease 'em? Absolutely.
Thank you.
Great! I'm gonna clean up and get to work.
Don't forget to talk to Al about Ilene.
I got a better idea.
I'm thinking maybe I'll bring 'em over, both of them.
They can watch how we are together.
I'm sure they'll decide they're much better off single.
Ford part, obviously.
Mustang, '67.
You know it, Tim.
I have over 700 wheel covers and hubcaps in my collection at home.
Wow! That takes a lot of space.
You must have a real understanding wife.
She left me, Tim.
She said it was either her or the hubcaps.
Hate to hear that.
But I think you made the decision most of us would have made.
Right, Al? I don't think so, Tim.
I would never trade wheel covers for the love of a good woman.
And, unlike you, I have never used the show as my personal forum.
I would like to say something to my special lady.
What are you gonna do? Speak from the heart.
Al, don't do this.
Al! (Tim) It was good to have you on the show.
Thanks.
Dr.
Ilene Markham.
I, Albert Borland, would like to spend the rest of my life with you.
Will you marry me? (laughs) That's great.
Great.
That's great.
What are you doing? I'm proposing.
Are you crazy? He's crazy.
Crazy in love.
Oh, boy! Aren't you? Aren't we all? That's all the time we have.
Klaus, the music, please.
Thank you.
That's it for Tool Time.
See you next time.
Thank you very much.
(woman) You're clear.
Are you out of your mind? On the contrary.
I've never felt clearer.
You've only known her a couple of days! Yes, but I know everything about her.
Is she married? I don't know.
Is she from around here? I don't know.
Is she allergic to flannel? Does she have any weird tattoos? Can she digest asparagus properly? I don't know! What do you know about her? I do know that I like her.
And I want to start a family before I get too old.
What? Well, you know My father was almost 60 when I was born.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, well, I Thank you.
When we would go to the park, we would sit and feed the pigeons while I would watch the other kids play ball with their dad.
And getting married is a big step.
It's, um It's like when you bought your saber saw.
You didn't buy the first one you saw.
Of course not! You went back to the hardware store a couple of times, looked at a few of 'em, to make sure there's no surprises.
Well, yeah.
That's true.
Women are like that.
You don't want to marry a saber saw and wake up one day and find yourself lying next to a jackhammer.
So, what you're saying is, you don't want to go to bed with one tool and wake up with another.
Ideally, you don't want to be going to bed with tools.
You know what I'm driving at here, Al? Yes, I do.
Oh, but, Tim, I've already proposed.
It's gonna be on the air in a few hours.
I think I got that covered.
Really? Yeah.
What do you say you and I go over to the park and play a little catch? That'd be great.
Then maybe we could feed the pigeons.
Let's not get carried away, Al.
I'd say this is a Mustang, probably '67.
You know it, Tim.
He really proposes to her on the air? Yeah, yeah.
Why didn't you stop him? I couldn't.
He was like a belt sander headed for some pine.
What will happen when she sees this? Covered, covered.
Dr.
Ilene Markham.
I, Albert Borland, would like to spend (Tim's voice) Tuesday night.
with you.
(electronic voice with Japanese accent) Look, it's Godzilla.
The city's in danger.
It's Godzilla! It's not, it's your mother! Dear Mark.
Sorry it's taken me so long to write back, but I've been really busy.
(woman) Isiah, honey, come to dinner.
In a minute.
I gotta write back to this kid.
He's written me 25 times.
Your corn's getting cold.
(woman) Isiah, honey.
Come to dinner.
In a minute.
I've gotta write back to this kid.
He's written me 25 times.
Come on, Zeke, man.
Forget the kid.
The corn's on, buddy.
We got plenty of corn.
There's pimentos with it.
Come on, buddy.
Come on, I said.