King of the Hill s03e02 Episode Script
nd They Call It Bobby Love
1 ( bell rings ) AH! HEY, KID, WHERE'S YOUR HALL PASS? YOU GOT ME.
MY NAME IS RAMONE TAVARES.
I'M IN MR.
POWELL'S CLASS.
RAMONE TAVARES? THEN WHY DOES YOUR LUNCH BAG SAY "BOBBY HILL"? BECAUSE WE CAN'T SPELL RAMONE.
T WHAT DID I SAY? ( laughs ) ALL RIGHT.
GET GOING RAMONE.
BOBBY HILL? YEAH? OH, YOU'RE GOOD.
( laughs ) YEP.
YEP.
YEP.
MM-MMM.
THEY DUMPED IT RIGHT WHERE WE STAND.
THAT'S WHERE WE STAND.
WHY WOULD SOMEBODY LEAVE A COUCH BEHIND MY HOUSE? I KNOW HOW IT GOT HERE.
ONE OF THEM FIRE-FIGHTING PLANES SCOOPED IT UP OUT OF LAKE ARLEN.
MAN, YOU DON'T TALKIN' ABOUT THEM DANG OL' URBAN LEGEND.
IT'S LIKE THAT-- LIKE THA FELLER THAT TOOTHBRUSH UP THAT MAN'S BOTTOM, MAN.
TRUTH, TOO, MAN-- IT HAPPENED TO ME.
OH, HEY, LOOK.
TREASURE.
RUBBER BAND.
OH, SUGAR CUBE.
MMM.
HAVE A LITTLE PRIDE, BILL.
IF WE EAT THEIR GARBAGE WE'RE NOT MUCH BETTER THAN THEY ARE.
PROBABLY HAD A COFFEE TABLE.
OH, IF THIS OLD COUCH COULD TALK.
MY NAME? MY NAME IS HANK TAXPAYER, AND I WANT THAT COUCH REMOVED.
THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO STAND IN THAT ALLEY.
WE TALK.
WELL, THAT'S NOT REALLY YOUR BUSINESS, IS IT? SPORTS, MOSTLY, YOU KNOW.
( grunting ) ( giggling ) HEY, GUYS YOU GOT TO SEE THIS.
BOBBY, DO THAT WALK AGAIN.
OKAY.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ( laughing ) WHAT'S SO FUNNY ABOUT THAT? IT'S ADULT HUMOR, CONNIE.
I DON'T EVEN GET SOME OF IT.
( sighs ) IT COULD BE WEEKS BEFORE THE CITY COMES AND HAULS THIS AWAY.
WHAT? YOU SAY SOMETHING, HANK? THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
I SAY, WE GET RID OF THE COUCH OURSELVES.
( Bill sighs ) BILL WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M DRINKING BEER.
I'M SITTING ON THE COUCH, AND I'M OUTSIDE.
I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE A BREAK-- FIVE MINUTES, THAT'S ALL.
( sighs ) MAN, WHAT DO SITTIN' LIKE A BUNCH OF DANG OL' COUCH JOCKEYS LAZY SITTIN' LIKE HEY! MAN, LOOK UP IN THE SKY, MAN! ( sighs ) SORRY, MAN.
I DON'T AIN'T NO LUCKY PIERRE, MAN.
COME ON, HANK.
ALL RIGHT.
BUT IF I DON'T LIKE IT, I'M STANDING RIGHT BACK UP.
( slurping ) ( phone ringing ) HELLO? Girl: Hi.
Can I speak to Bobby, please? I'M SORRY.
YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER.
WHO WAS IT, DAD? A GIRL, ASKING FOR SOMEONE NAMED BOBBY.
OH.
( phone ringing ) HELLO? Girl: Hi.
Does Bobby Hill live there? UH, HOLD ON A SECOND.
SON, IT'S ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS PLAYING A PRANK.
HEY, JOSEPH.
Bobby, it's Marie.
OH, HEY.
A bunch of us are going to hang out at the mall.
Want to come? WELL, I DID HAVE A PRIOR ENGAGEMEN BUT I CAN ALWAYS TAPE IT.
( Marie laughing ) Oh, god.
( revving motor ) Bobby: SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO GET, MARIE? WELL, I DON'T EAT ANYTHING WITH A HEAD ON IT.
WELL, I'M A VEGETARIAN, BOBBY.
I DON'T EAT MEAT.
MY DAD SAYS IF GOD DIDN'T WANT US TO EAT MEA HE WOULDN'T HAVE INVENTED STEAK SAUCE.
YOUR DAD SAYS THAT? ONCE.
BOBBY, DID YOU KNOW THAT THE AVERAGE PERSON CONSUMES 500 CHICKENS? THAT'S ENOUGH CHICKENS TO FEED A WHOLE STARVING VILLAGE.
BUT THEY SHOULDN'T EAT THEM BECAUSE THAT'S BAD.
I'LL HAVE THE CHOPPED SALAD, PLEASE.
AND I'LL HAVE THE B.
L.
T.
, PLEASE.
THAT HAS BACON, BOBBY.
BACON DOESN'T HAVE A HEAD ON IT.
COULD YOU MAKE THAT AN L.
T.
, PLEASE? TONIGHT WAS FUN, BOBBY.
MY FRIENDS THINK YOU'RE A RIOT.
I REALLY WAS CHOKING AT THE FOOD COUR BUT DON'T TELL THEM THAT.
HEY, THERE'S A COUCH IN THE ALLEY.
SIT DOWN.
YOU WANT TO KISS? WELL, I'LL TRY ANYTHING ONCE.
I DIDN'T THINK I'D LIKE FRUIT PIES, BUT THEN I TRIED ONE AND IF YOUR KISS IS ANYTHING LIKE A FRUIT PIE I'M SURE I'LL ( Bobby gurgling ) ALL RIGHT, SEE YOU AROUND.
( gasps ) MOM? DAD? DID YOU SEE THE SUNRISE THIS MORNING? IT WAS THE SAME COLOR AS MY GIRLFRIEND MARIE'S HAIR.
( yawns ) HERE'S YOUR COFFEE, SWEET MEAT.
( sniffs ) MMM.
REMINDS ME OF MY GIRLFRIEND MARIE.
SHE LIKES TO DRINK HER COFFEE BLACK, TOO.
HUH.
LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE FINALLY GOING TO CUT DOWN THE BIG OAK TREE THAT'S IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BALL PARK.
I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY GIRLFRIEND MARIE THINKS ABOUT THAT.
I'LL ASK HER.
ALL RIGHT, BOBBY, I'LL BITE.
WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING THE WORD "GIRLFRIEND"? BECAUSE I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
BOBBY HAS A GIRLFRIEND? ALL RIGHT, SON.
SHE'S REAL, RIGHT? I MEAN SHE'S NOT IMAGINARY OR ON A CEREAL BOX OR ANYTHING, IS SHE? NO.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I ASSUME THAT SHE'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND JUST LIKE JOSEPH IS YOUR BOYFRIEND.
PEGGY, JOSEPH IS NOT BOBBY'S BOYFRIEND.
( screams ) HANK! RED ALERT! THE GARBAGE TRUCK'S HERE! YOU'RE NOT TAKING IT.
SIR, CAN YOU ASK THIS GENTLEMAN TO GET OFF THE COUCH SO WE CAN DO OUR JOB? BILL, DON'T MOVE A MUSCLE.
( men grunting ) GOOD WORK, BILL.
ALL RIGHT, BUT IF YOU LEAVE IT OU SOMEBODY'S GOING TO HAUL IT AWAY.
GO TO HELL.
Bobby: SO WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO, GUYS? LET'S GO BIKE RIDING.
THAT'S BORING.
YEAH, THAT'S A LITTLE BORING, CONNIE.
I MEAN, MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE WE ALL COULD DO? WE COULD GO SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES AT THE MALL? HEY, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
( ringing ) FOR QUALITY PURPOSES SOME PORTIONS OF THIS TELEPHONE CONVERSATION MAY BE RECORDED.
GRIBBLE RESIDENCE.
Hey, Dale.
I JUST PHONED TO TALK ABOUT THE COUCH.
YOU KNOW, JUST THINKING ABOUT THE COUCH.
OH, BILL, THIS IS SO STRANGE.
I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CALL YOU ABOUT THE COUCH.
YEAH, YOU KNOW THE ONLY THING BETTER THAN TALKING ABOUT THE COUCH? HEY, ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING? I'LL SEE YOU OUT THERE.
ALL RIGHT.
I WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FRIENDS.
I DON'T KNOW.
THEY WERE FOLLOWING US TO THE MALL AND THEN THEY WERE GONE.
OH, LOOK, THE COUCH.
YOU WANT TO KISS? NAH.
I GOT TO GO.
YOU KNOW, MARIE THE OTHER NIGHT, WHEN YOU WANTED TO KISS I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT, BUT I DID IT ANYWAY.
YOU HAVE TO RESPECT MY NEEDS, TOO.
OKAY, WHATEVER.
( kissing noises ) BOBBY? OKAY, BOBBY, I GOT TO GO.
GOOD NIGHT MARIE.
CAN I HAVE SOME RICE AND PLAIN TOAST, PLEASE? MY GIRLFRIEND MARIE'S A VEGETARIAN AND SHE SAYS AH, THERE IT IS.
I KNEW THIS WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
SO? SHE'S A VEGETARIAN.
SHE STILL LIKES LOTS OF THINGS I LIKE-- LIKE KISSING, FOR INSTANCE.
( gasps ) OH, MY WORD.
HANK, TALK TO THE BOY.
BOBBY, VEGETARIANS CAN'T BE TRUSTED.
JUST LAST WEEK, WE CAUGHT ONE OF THEM SIPHONING GAS OUT OF A COMPANY TRUCK NO, I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE KISSING.
HE'S TOO YOUNG.
YOU WOULD THINK THAT, BUT I AM SUCH A GOOD KISSER, MOM.
MARIE SAYS SO.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT.
SHE BENT MY HEAD BACK; SHE TUCKED HER HAND BOBBY, BOBBY, YOU ARE ONLY 12.
YOU SHOULD BE AFRAID OF GIRLS.
YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE YOU AREN'T AS IN LOVE AS ME AND MARIE.
BOBBY, I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU CAN COMPARE A TWO-DAY INFATUATION TO A 20-YEAR MARRIAGE.
I BET MARIE AND ME HAVE KISSED MORE IN TWO DAYS THAN YOU HAVE IN YOUR WHOLE MARRIAGE.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER SEEN YOU GUYS KISS.
YOUR FATHER HAS KISSED ME.
PEGGY! I'M NOT AFRAID TO SHOW MY LOVE.
YOU ARE.
YOUR FATHER AND I HAVE DONE THINGS YOU CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE.
PEGGY, PLEASE.
OH, I'M FLATTERED THAT YOU ASKED ME TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR ALGEBRA HOMEWORK, CONNIE.
UH, ACTUALLY, LUANNE, I DON'T NEED YOU TO TEACH ME ALGEBRA.
OH, THANK GOD.
WELL, AS YOU KNOW, BOBBY HAS A GIRLFRIEND.
BOBBY HAS A GIRLFRIEND? AND I KNOW IT? YES, AND, WELL, IT'S MADE ME REALIZE THAT I REALLY LIKE BOBBY.
WHAT SHOULD I DO, LUANNE? WELL, IF YOU AND BOBBY ARE MEANT TO BE, THEN IT'LL HAPPEN.
I MEAN, BUCKLEY AND I WEREN'T MEANT TO BE AND THAT'S WHY HE BLEW UP.
UH, EXCUSE ME.
I HAVE AN OUTSIDE COUCH.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE SQUIRRELS AWAY? I'LL CHECK.
PEGGY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HANK, REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO HOLD HANDS IN BROAD DAYLIGHT? COME ON, HONEY.
HOLD MY HAND.
UH I WISH I COULD, BUT MY HANDS ARE FULL, SEE? I GUESS BOBBY WAS RIGHT.
MAYBE WE ARE AFRAID TO SHOW OUR LOVE.
ALL RIGHT.
GET A ROOM, YOU TWO.
OH! OH! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY OLD COUCH? WE'RE NOT FALLING FOR IT, KAHN.
THIS WAS NOT YOURS.
I GET RID OF I AFTER NEIGHBORHOOD CAT COME INSIDE AND PEE ALL OVER IT.
WE TRY TO DUMP IT IN FRONT OF GRIBBLE'S YARD BUT MINH CUT HER LEG ON A TACK, SO WE DUMP IT HERE.
AH.
I GET IT.
HE'S SEEN WHAT WE'VE DONE WITH I AND NOW HE WANTS IT BACK.
GRIBBLE, YOU CRAZY.
I DON'T WANT IT BACK.
OH, HEY, I GOT AN OLD PAIR OF BOXER SHORTS YOU CAN USE AS TEA COZY.
WANT THAT, TOO? ( laughing ) ( doorbell chimes ) HEY, IS BOBBY HOME? WHO ARE YOU? I'M MARIE.
HOW OLD ARE YOU? FOURTEEN.
14? I DON'T KNOW WHAT BOBBY'S BEEN TELLING YOU BUT HE'S ONLY 12.
HE'S BEEN TELLING ME LOTS OF THINGS.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HOLD YOUR WIFE'S HAND? AAH! SEE YOU LATER, DAD.
BOBBY'S MARIE IS 14 YEARS OLD.
WHAT? OH, GOD.
THAT MEANS WHEN SHE WAS THREE OUR BOBBY WAS ONLY ONE.
IT MAKES ME SICK JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.
( dance music playing ) HEY, IS THIS A MAKE-OUT PARTY? BECAUSE IF IT IS I'M PREPARED FOR THAT.
( panting ) LOOK, IF THE LADY DOESN'T WANT TO DANCE DON'T MAKE HER DANCE.
HEY, COME ON, KID.
MOVE OUT OF THE WAY.
BOBBY, MOVE.
( music stops ) MARIE! BOBBY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY WERE YOU DANCING WITH THOSE GUYS? I DON'T KNOW.
I LIKE DANCING.
I WANTED TO DANCE.
WHO WERE THOSE GUYS? WHY WHERE YOU DANCING WITH ALL THOSE GUYS? BOBBY, THEY'RE FRIENDS.
WE WERE JUST DANCING.
WHAT ABOUT US? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DANCE WITH JUST ME AND MAYBE SOME OF YOUR GIRLFRIENDS BUT MOSTLY JUST ME! BOBBY, WAIT.
THIS IS GETTING WAY TOO INTENSE.
WE'RE ONLY FRIENDS.
( sputtering ) I THOUGHT WE WERE MORE THAN THAT.
BOBBY, YOU'RE A FUNNY GUY.
YOU MAKE ME LAUGH.
THAT'S ALL.
BUT WE KISSED.
YES, AND LOOKING BACK NOW MAYBE THAT WAS A MISTAKE.
MISTAKE? THAT WAS THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE! LOOK, BOBBY, I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD HANG OUT TOGETHER ANYMORE.
JUST TELL ME WHY YOU WERE DANCING WITH ALL THOSE GUYS?! GOOD-BYE, BOBBY.
YOU KISSED ME.
THAT MEANS WE'RE BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.
OH! MARIE, COME BACK.
LOOK.
I'M DOING YOUR FAVORITE COMEDY BIT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ( crying ): WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ( sobbing ) ( Bobby crying ) SOMEBODY PUSH YOU OFF YOUR BIKE, SON? ( sobbing ) MARIE BROKE UP WITH ME.
AW.
IT DOESN'T FEEL SO GOOD, DOES IT, SON? NO.
I GUESS YOUR LOVE WASN'T AS STRONG AS YOUR FATHER'S AND MINE, NOW, WAS IT? NO, IT WASN'T.
( Bobby crying ) ( sobbing ): I KISSED MARIE ON THIS COUCH.
NOW, HANK, THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS COUCH IS FOR.
YEAH, HANK, YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO PUT IT TO A VOTE IF YOU WANT A FAMILY MEMBER TO USE THE COUCH.
ALL RIGHT.
UH, BOBBY, I KNOW IT'S NOT GOOD WHEN A GIRL BREAKS YOUR HEART.
( continues crying ) UH, IT'S-IT'S ONLY NATURAL TO BE SAD BUT THE COUCH IS A HAPPY PLACE.
( wailing ) There's a tear in my beer WELL, HE STOPPED CRYING.
THAT'S A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION AND THE BOY'S TASTE IN MUSIC'S GETTING BETTER, TOO.
You were on my lonely mind MOM, I'M NEVER GOING TO MAKE ANYONE LAUGH EVER AGAIN.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A PROP COMIC.
NO, LADY BIRD, NOT NOW.
LOOK AT IT THIS WAY, BOBBY.
TONIGHT YOU'RE GOING OUT ON A DATE WITH YOUR PARENTS, AND WE KNOW HOW YOU LIKE GOING OUT WITH PEOPLE OLDER THAN YOU.
OH, I'M ON A DATE WITH MY TWO FAVORITE MEN.
LOOK AT ME.
Marie: A CUP OF RICE, PLAIN TOAS AND I'LL HELP MYSELF TO THE SALAD BAR.
THANK YOU.
IS THAT HER? OH, NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE.
SHE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE ME.
DAD, I WANT TO GO HOME.
YOU CAN'T LET HER GET TO YOU, SON.
IF YOU LEAVE, SHE WINS AND DATING'S ALL ABOUT WHO WINS AND WHO LOSES.
YEE-HA! WELCOME TO THE PANHANDLER.
WOULD ANY OF YOU FINE FOLKS CARE TO TAKE ON OUR 72-OUNCE TOP SIRLOIN STEAK? FINISH IT IN AN HOUR, AND IT'S FREE.
UH, NO, THANK YOU.
YES I WOULD.
THAT'S A LOT OF MEAT, SON.
WHAT HAPPENED TO BEING A VEGETARIAN? AND I WANT IT RARE.
( people cheering ) OKAY.
THE RULES ARE SIMPLE: NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO HELP YOU CHEW OR CUT THE MEA AND IF YOU GET SICK BEFORE THE FINISH THE CONTEST IS OVER.
GOOD LUCK.
LET'S GIVE HIM A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT, FOLKS.
( cheering and hooting ) ( noisy chewing ) ATTABOY, BOBBY.
YOU CAN DO IT, SON.
SHOVEL IT IN, HONEY.
DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE ALL YOUR TEETH.
( noisy eating ) THAT'S IT, BOBBY.
36 DOWN; ONLY 36 OUNCES TO GO, SON.
TAME THAT SLAB OF BEEF, BOBBY.
YOU'RE JUST MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF, BOBBY.
NOBODY'S IMPRESSED.
WHOO-HOO! COME ON! HE'S A STEAK-EATING MACHINE.
( cheers of encouragement ) ( groaning ) ( relieved sigh ) ( cheering ) ( gasps from crowd ) ( fork scraping plate ) ( cheering ) COME ON, MOM, DAD, WE'RE LEAVING.
( cheering ) ( cheering ) THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, ARLEN.
HEY, YOU TWO, I'M TRYING TO EAT.
WELL, SON, THE WORST PART'S OVER AND NOW YOU'LL REALIZE JUST HOW SILLY AH, THE COUCH IS GONE! NO! WE DIDN'T EVEN GET A CHANCE TO SAY GOOD-BYE.
HI, BOBBY.
OH, HEY, CONNIE.
BOBBY, ARE YOU OKAY? ME AND MARIE JUST BROKE UP.
( vomiting ) YOU'RE TAKING IT PRETTY HARD.
YOU MUST HAVE REALLY LIKED HER A LOT.
OH, NO, NO.
I JUST ATE A 72-OUNCE STEAK DINNER IN 37 MINUTES.
( gagging and vomiting ) OH, WELL, WHEN YOU FINISH YOU WANT TO COME OVER TO MY HOUSE AND WATCH SOME TELEVISION? ( continues vomiting ) ( whimpering ) IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE TELEVISION.
Bill: WHY, I DON'T KNOW, DALE.
NO, I DIDN'T SEE A THING.
WELL, I BET THE CITY JUST HAULED IT AWAY.
I KNOW, DALE, I KNOW.
I MISS IT, TOO.
MAYBE IT'S ALL FOR THE BEST, YOU KNOW.
WE WERE STARTING TO DEPEND ON THAT COUCH TOO MUCH.
YEP.
IT'S PROBABLY ( sighing ): ALL FOR THE BEST.
MY NAME IS RAMONE TAVARES.
I'M IN MR.
POWELL'S CLASS.
RAMONE TAVARES? THEN WHY DOES YOUR LUNCH BAG SAY "BOBBY HILL"? BECAUSE WE CAN'T SPELL RAMONE.
T WHAT DID I SAY? ( laughs ) ALL RIGHT.
GET GOING RAMONE.
BOBBY HILL? YEAH? OH, YOU'RE GOOD.
( laughs ) YEP.
YEP.
YEP.
MM-MMM.
THEY DUMPED IT RIGHT WHERE WE STAND.
THAT'S WHERE WE STAND.
WHY WOULD SOMEBODY LEAVE A COUCH BEHIND MY HOUSE? I KNOW HOW IT GOT HERE.
ONE OF THEM FIRE-FIGHTING PLANES SCOOPED IT UP OUT OF LAKE ARLEN.
MAN, YOU DON'T TALKIN' ABOUT THEM DANG OL' URBAN LEGEND.
IT'S LIKE THAT-- LIKE THA FELLER THAT TOOTHBRUSH UP THAT MAN'S BOTTOM, MAN.
TRUTH, TOO, MAN-- IT HAPPENED TO ME.
OH, HEY, LOOK.
TREASURE.
RUBBER BAND.
OH, SUGAR CUBE.
MMM.
HAVE A LITTLE PRIDE, BILL.
IF WE EAT THEIR GARBAGE WE'RE NOT MUCH BETTER THAN THEY ARE.
PROBABLY HAD A COFFEE TABLE.
OH, IF THIS OLD COUCH COULD TALK.
MY NAME? MY NAME IS HANK TAXPAYER, AND I WANT THAT COUCH REMOVED.
THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO STAND IN THAT ALLEY.
WE TALK.
WELL, THAT'S NOT REALLY YOUR BUSINESS, IS IT? SPORTS, MOSTLY, YOU KNOW.
( grunting ) ( giggling ) HEY, GUYS YOU GOT TO SEE THIS.
BOBBY, DO THAT WALK AGAIN.
OKAY.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ( laughing ) WHAT'S SO FUNNY ABOUT THAT? IT'S ADULT HUMOR, CONNIE.
I DON'T EVEN GET SOME OF IT.
( sighs ) IT COULD BE WEEKS BEFORE THE CITY COMES AND HAULS THIS AWAY.
WHAT? YOU SAY SOMETHING, HANK? THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
I SAY, WE GET RID OF THE COUCH OURSELVES.
( Bill sighs ) BILL WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M DRINKING BEER.
I'M SITTING ON THE COUCH, AND I'M OUTSIDE.
I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE A BREAK-- FIVE MINUTES, THAT'S ALL.
( sighs ) MAN, WHAT DO SITTIN' LIKE A BUNCH OF DANG OL' COUCH JOCKEYS LAZY SITTIN' LIKE HEY! MAN, LOOK UP IN THE SKY, MAN! ( sighs ) SORRY, MAN.
I DON'T AIN'T NO LUCKY PIERRE, MAN.
COME ON, HANK.
ALL RIGHT.
BUT IF I DON'T LIKE IT, I'M STANDING RIGHT BACK UP.
( slurping ) ( phone ringing ) HELLO? Girl: Hi.
Can I speak to Bobby, please? I'M SORRY.
YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER.
WHO WAS IT, DAD? A GIRL, ASKING FOR SOMEONE NAMED BOBBY.
OH.
( phone ringing ) HELLO? Girl: Hi.
Does Bobby Hill live there? UH, HOLD ON A SECOND.
SON, IT'S ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS PLAYING A PRANK.
HEY, JOSEPH.
Bobby, it's Marie.
OH, HEY.
A bunch of us are going to hang out at the mall.
Want to come? WELL, I DID HAVE A PRIOR ENGAGEMEN BUT I CAN ALWAYS TAPE IT.
( Marie laughing ) Oh, god.
( revving motor ) Bobby: SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO GET, MARIE? WELL, I DON'T EAT ANYTHING WITH A HEAD ON IT.
WELL, I'M A VEGETARIAN, BOBBY.
I DON'T EAT MEAT.
MY DAD SAYS IF GOD DIDN'T WANT US TO EAT MEA HE WOULDN'T HAVE INVENTED STEAK SAUCE.
YOUR DAD SAYS THAT? ONCE.
BOBBY, DID YOU KNOW THAT THE AVERAGE PERSON CONSUMES 500 CHICKENS? THAT'S ENOUGH CHICKENS TO FEED A WHOLE STARVING VILLAGE.
BUT THEY SHOULDN'T EAT THEM BECAUSE THAT'S BAD.
I'LL HAVE THE CHOPPED SALAD, PLEASE.
AND I'LL HAVE THE B.
L.
T.
, PLEASE.
THAT HAS BACON, BOBBY.
BACON DOESN'T HAVE A HEAD ON IT.
COULD YOU MAKE THAT AN L.
T.
, PLEASE? TONIGHT WAS FUN, BOBBY.
MY FRIENDS THINK YOU'RE A RIOT.
I REALLY WAS CHOKING AT THE FOOD COUR BUT DON'T TELL THEM THAT.
HEY, THERE'S A COUCH IN THE ALLEY.
SIT DOWN.
YOU WANT TO KISS? WELL, I'LL TRY ANYTHING ONCE.
I DIDN'T THINK I'D LIKE FRUIT PIES, BUT THEN I TRIED ONE AND IF YOUR KISS IS ANYTHING LIKE A FRUIT PIE I'M SURE I'LL ( Bobby gurgling ) ALL RIGHT, SEE YOU AROUND.
( gasps ) MOM? DAD? DID YOU SEE THE SUNRISE THIS MORNING? IT WAS THE SAME COLOR AS MY GIRLFRIEND MARIE'S HAIR.
( yawns ) HERE'S YOUR COFFEE, SWEET MEAT.
( sniffs ) MMM.
REMINDS ME OF MY GIRLFRIEND MARIE.
SHE LIKES TO DRINK HER COFFEE BLACK, TOO.
HUH.
LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE FINALLY GOING TO CUT DOWN THE BIG OAK TREE THAT'S IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BALL PARK.
I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY GIRLFRIEND MARIE THINKS ABOUT THAT.
I'LL ASK HER.
ALL RIGHT, BOBBY, I'LL BITE.
WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING THE WORD "GIRLFRIEND"? BECAUSE I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
BOBBY HAS A GIRLFRIEND? ALL RIGHT, SON.
SHE'S REAL, RIGHT? I MEAN SHE'S NOT IMAGINARY OR ON A CEREAL BOX OR ANYTHING, IS SHE? NO.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I ASSUME THAT SHE'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND JUST LIKE JOSEPH IS YOUR BOYFRIEND.
PEGGY, JOSEPH IS NOT BOBBY'S BOYFRIEND.
( screams ) HANK! RED ALERT! THE GARBAGE TRUCK'S HERE! YOU'RE NOT TAKING IT.
SIR, CAN YOU ASK THIS GENTLEMAN TO GET OFF THE COUCH SO WE CAN DO OUR JOB? BILL, DON'T MOVE A MUSCLE.
( men grunting ) GOOD WORK, BILL.
ALL RIGHT, BUT IF YOU LEAVE IT OU SOMEBODY'S GOING TO HAUL IT AWAY.
GO TO HELL.
Bobby: SO WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO, GUYS? LET'S GO BIKE RIDING.
THAT'S BORING.
YEAH, THAT'S A LITTLE BORING, CONNIE.
I MEAN, MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE WE ALL COULD DO? WE COULD GO SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES AT THE MALL? HEY, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
( ringing ) FOR QUALITY PURPOSES SOME PORTIONS OF THIS TELEPHONE CONVERSATION MAY BE RECORDED.
GRIBBLE RESIDENCE.
Hey, Dale.
I JUST PHONED TO TALK ABOUT THE COUCH.
YOU KNOW, JUST THINKING ABOUT THE COUCH.
OH, BILL, THIS IS SO STRANGE.
I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CALL YOU ABOUT THE COUCH.
YEAH, YOU KNOW THE ONLY THING BETTER THAN TALKING ABOUT THE COUCH? HEY, ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING? I'LL SEE YOU OUT THERE.
ALL RIGHT.
I WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FRIENDS.
I DON'T KNOW.
THEY WERE FOLLOWING US TO THE MALL AND THEN THEY WERE GONE.
OH, LOOK, THE COUCH.
YOU WANT TO KISS? NAH.
I GOT TO GO.
YOU KNOW, MARIE THE OTHER NIGHT, WHEN YOU WANTED TO KISS I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT, BUT I DID IT ANYWAY.
YOU HAVE TO RESPECT MY NEEDS, TOO.
OKAY, WHATEVER.
( kissing noises ) BOBBY? OKAY, BOBBY, I GOT TO GO.
GOOD NIGHT MARIE.
CAN I HAVE SOME RICE AND PLAIN TOAST, PLEASE? MY GIRLFRIEND MARIE'S A VEGETARIAN AND SHE SAYS AH, THERE IT IS.
I KNEW THIS WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
SO? SHE'S A VEGETARIAN.
SHE STILL LIKES LOTS OF THINGS I LIKE-- LIKE KISSING, FOR INSTANCE.
( gasps ) OH, MY WORD.
HANK, TALK TO THE BOY.
BOBBY, VEGETARIANS CAN'T BE TRUSTED.
JUST LAST WEEK, WE CAUGHT ONE OF THEM SIPHONING GAS OUT OF A COMPANY TRUCK NO, I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE KISSING.
HE'S TOO YOUNG.
YOU WOULD THINK THAT, BUT I AM SUCH A GOOD KISSER, MOM.
MARIE SAYS SO.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT.
SHE BENT MY HEAD BACK; SHE TUCKED HER HAND BOBBY, BOBBY, YOU ARE ONLY 12.
YOU SHOULD BE AFRAID OF GIRLS.
YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE YOU AREN'T AS IN LOVE AS ME AND MARIE.
BOBBY, I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU CAN COMPARE A TWO-DAY INFATUATION TO A 20-YEAR MARRIAGE.
I BET MARIE AND ME HAVE KISSED MORE IN TWO DAYS THAN YOU HAVE IN YOUR WHOLE MARRIAGE.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER SEEN YOU GUYS KISS.
YOUR FATHER HAS KISSED ME.
PEGGY! I'M NOT AFRAID TO SHOW MY LOVE.
YOU ARE.
YOUR FATHER AND I HAVE DONE THINGS YOU CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE.
PEGGY, PLEASE.
OH, I'M FLATTERED THAT YOU ASKED ME TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR ALGEBRA HOMEWORK, CONNIE.
UH, ACTUALLY, LUANNE, I DON'T NEED YOU TO TEACH ME ALGEBRA.
OH, THANK GOD.
WELL, AS YOU KNOW, BOBBY HAS A GIRLFRIEND.
BOBBY HAS A GIRLFRIEND? AND I KNOW IT? YES, AND, WELL, IT'S MADE ME REALIZE THAT I REALLY LIKE BOBBY.
WHAT SHOULD I DO, LUANNE? WELL, IF YOU AND BOBBY ARE MEANT TO BE, THEN IT'LL HAPPEN.
I MEAN, BUCKLEY AND I WEREN'T MEANT TO BE AND THAT'S WHY HE BLEW UP.
UH, EXCUSE ME.
I HAVE AN OUTSIDE COUCH.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE SQUIRRELS AWAY? I'LL CHECK.
PEGGY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HANK, REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO HOLD HANDS IN BROAD DAYLIGHT? COME ON, HONEY.
HOLD MY HAND.
UH I WISH I COULD, BUT MY HANDS ARE FULL, SEE? I GUESS BOBBY WAS RIGHT.
MAYBE WE ARE AFRAID TO SHOW OUR LOVE.
ALL RIGHT.
GET A ROOM, YOU TWO.
OH! OH! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY OLD COUCH? WE'RE NOT FALLING FOR IT, KAHN.
THIS WAS NOT YOURS.
I GET RID OF I AFTER NEIGHBORHOOD CAT COME INSIDE AND PEE ALL OVER IT.
WE TRY TO DUMP IT IN FRONT OF GRIBBLE'S YARD BUT MINH CUT HER LEG ON A TACK, SO WE DUMP IT HERE.
AH.
I GET IT.
HE'S SEEN WHAT WE'VE DONE WITH I AND NOW HE WANTS IT BACK.
GRIBBLE, YOU CRAZY.
I DON'T WANT IT BACK.
OH, HEY, I GOT AN OLD PAIR OF BOXER SHORTS YOU CAN USE AS TEA COZY.
WANT THAT, TOO? ( laughing ) ( doorbell chimes ) HEY, IS BOBBY HOME? WHO ARE YOU? I'M MARIE.
HOW OLD ARE YOU? FOURTEEN.
14? I DON'T KNOW WHAT BOBBY'S BEEN TELLING YOU BUT HE'S ONLY 12.
HE'S BEEN TELLING ME LOTS OF THINGS.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HOLD YOUR WIFE'S HAND? AAH! SEE YOU LATER, DAD.
BOBBY'S MARIE IS 14 YEARS OLD.
WHAT? OH, GOD.
THAT MEANS WHEN SHE WAS THREE OUR BOBBY WAS ONLY ONE.
IT MAKES ME SICK JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.
( dance music playing ) HEY, IS THIS A MAKE-OUT PARTY? BECAUSE IF IT IS I'M PREPARED FOR THAT.
( panting ) LOOK, IF THE LADY DOESN'T WANT TO DANCE DON'T MAKE HER DANCE.
HEY, COME ON, KID.
MOVE OUT OF THE WAY.
BOBBY, MOVE.
( music stops ) MARIE! BOBBY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY WERE YOU DANCING WITH THOSE GUYS? I DON'T KNOW.
I LIKE DANCING.
I WANTED TO DANCE.
WHO WERE THOSE GUYS? WHY WHERE YOU DANCING WITH ALL THOSE GUYS? BOBBY, THEY'RE FRIENDS.
WE WERE JUST DANCING.
WHAT ABOUT US? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DANCE WITH JUST ME AND MAYBE SOME OF YOUR GIRLFRIENDS BUT MOSTLY JUST ME! BOBBY, WAIT.
THIS IS GETTING WAY TOO INTENSE.
WE'RE ONLY FRIENDS.
( sputtering ) I THOUGHT WE WERE MORE THAN THAT.
BOBBY, YOU'RE A FUNNY GUY.
YOU MAKE ME LAUGH.
THAT'S ALL.
BUT WE KISSED.
YES, AND LOOKING BACK NOW MAYBE THAT WAS A MISTAKE.
MISTAKE? THAT WAS THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE! LOOK, BOBBY, I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD HANG OUT TOGETHER ANYMORE.
JUST TELL ME WHY YOU WERE DANCING WITH ALL THOSE GUYS?! GOOD-BYE, BOBBY.
YOU KISSED ME.
THAT MEANS WE'RE BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.
OH! MARIE, COME BACK.
LOOK.
I'M DOING YOUR FAVORITE COMEDY BIT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ( crying ): WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ( sobbing ) ( Bobby crying ) SOMEBODY PUSH YOU OFF YOUR BIKE, SON? ( sobbing ) MARIE BROKE UP WITH ME.
AW.
IT DOESN'T FEEL SO GOOD, DOES IT, SON? NO.
I GUESS YOUR LOVE WASN'T AS STRONG AS YOUR FATHER'S AND MINE, NOW, WAS IT? NO, IT WASN'T.
( Bobby crying ) ( sobbing ): I KISSED MARIE ON THIS COUCH.
NOW, HANK, THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS COUCH IS FOR.
YEAH, HANK, YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO PUT IT TO A VOTE IF YOU WANT A FAMILY MEMBER TO USE THE COUCH.
ALL RIGHT.
UH, BOBBY, I KNOW IT'S NOT GOOD WHEN A GIRL BREAKS YOUR HEART.
( continues crying ) UH, IT'S-IT'S ONLY NATURAL TO BE SAD BUT THE COUCH IS A HAPPY PLACE.
( wailing ) There's a tear in my beer WELL, HE STOPPED CRYING.
THAT'S A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION AND THE BOY'S TASTE IN MUSIC'S GETTING BETTER, TOO.
You were on my lonely mind MOM, I'M NEVER GOING TO MAKE ANYONE LAUGH EVER AGAIN.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A PROP COMIC.
NO, LADY BIRD, NOT NOW.
LOOK AT IT THIS WAY, BOBBY.
TONIGHT YOU'RE GOING OUT ON A DATE WITH YOUR PARENTS, AND WE KNOW HOW YOU LIKE GOING OUT WITH PEOPLE OLDER THAN YOU.
OH, I'M ON A DATE WITH MY TWO FAVORITE MEN.
LOOK AT ME.
Marie: A CUP OF RICE, PLAIN TOAS AND I'LL HELP MYSELF TO THE SALAD BAR.
THANK YOU.
IS THAT HER? OH, NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE.
SHE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE ME.
DAD, I WANT TO GO HOME.
YOU CAN'T LET HER GET TO YOU, SON.
IF YOU LEAVE, SHE WINS AND DATING'S ALL ABOUT WHO WINS AND WHO LOSES.
YEE-HA! WELCOME TO THE PANHANDLER.
WOULD ANY OF YOU FINE FOLKS CARE TO TAKE ON OUR 72-OUNCE TOP SIRLOIN STEAK? FINISH IT IN AN HOUR, AND IT'S FREE.
UH, NO, THANK YOU.
YES I WOULD.
THAT'S A LOT OF MEAT, SON.
WHAT HAPPENED TO BEING A VEGETARIAN? AND I WANT IT RARE.
( people cheering ) OKAY.
THE RULES ARE SIMPLE: NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO HELP YOU CHEW OR CUT THE MEA AND IF YOU GET SICK BEFORE THE FINISH THE CONTEST IS OVER.
GOOD LUCK.
LET'S GIVE HIM A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT, FOLKS.
( cheering and hooting ) ( noisy chewing ) ATTABOY, BOBBY.
YOU CAN DO IT, SON.
SHOVEL IT IN, HONEY.
DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE ALL YOUR TEETH.
( noisy eating ) THAT'S IT, BOBBY.
36 DOWN; ONLY 36 OUNCES TO GO, SON.
TAME THAT SLAB OF BEEF, BOBBY.
YOU'RE JUST MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF, BOBBY.
NOBODY'S IMPRESSED.
WHOO-HOO! COME ON! HE'S A STEAK-EATING MACHINE.
( cheers of encouragement ) ( groaning ) ( relieved sigh ) ( cheering ) ( gasps from crowd ) ( fork scraping plate ) ( cheering ) COME ON, MOM, DAD, WE'RE LEAVING.
( cheering ) ( cheering ) THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, ARLEN.
HEY, YOU TWO, I'M TRYING TO EAT.
WELL, SON, THE WORST PART'S OVER AND NOW YOU'LL REALIZE JUST HOW SILLY AH, THE COUCH IS GONE! NO! WE DIDN'T EVEN GET A CHANCE TO SAY GOOD-BYE.
HI, BOBBY.
OH, HEY, CONNIE.
BOBBY, ARE YOU OKAY? ME AND MARIE JUST BROKE UP.
( vomiting ) YOU'RE TAKING IT PRETTY HARD.
YOU MUST HAVE REALLY LIKED HER A LOT.
OH, NO, NO.
I JUST ATE A 72-OUNCE STEAK DINNER IN 37 MINUTES.
( gagging and vomiting ) OH, WELL, WHEN YOU FINISH YOU WANT TO COME OVER TO MY HOUSE AND WATCH SOME TELEVISION? ( continues vomiting ) ( whimpering ) IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE TELEVISION.
Bill: WHY, I DON'T KNOW, DALE.
NO, I DIDN'T SEE A THING.
WELL, I BET THE CITY JUST HAULED IT AWAY.
I KNOW, DALE, I KNOW.
I MISS IT, TOO.
MAYBE IT'S ALL FOR THE BEST, YOU KNOW.
WE WERE STARTING TO DEPEND ON THAT COUCH TOO MUCH.
YEP.
IT'S PROBABLY ( sighing ): ALL FOR THE BEST.