Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s03e02 Episode Script

I made a very useful contact yesterday if you should be in the market for any offcuts of polystyrene.
I don't know how you do it, Foggy.
Being in the right place at the right time.
Hey, let's pop in and explain our rules to t' new librarian.
You wouldn't see a fighting man lurching about as clumsy as that, you know.
No, it's all done on the on the balls of the feet.
But he moves with all the grace of a dislocated elbow.
He's just a child of nature.
Do you think so? Well, they never traced his father.
He strikes me more as a creature of impulse - horrible, unsightly ones.
CLATTERING Get out! Go on, out you go! And stay out! Until you've learned to conduct yourself in accordance with the bylaws.
Oh, you ARE firm, Mr Wainwright! You'll get used to myfierce ways, Miss Moody.
I've dealt with him before.
And when I heard I was being transferred back here, I used to indulge in a little dream that he might have emigrated! Or stumbled in the path of an articulated vehicle.
I'm glad old Shagnasty's back.
It's terminology like that that gets us barred from places.
I never thought I'd see the day when a Dewhurst was unwelcome at a seat of learning.
Isn't it nice that old Wainwright recognised you straightaway? When you come up here, you realise how small a creature Man is.
And you wonder why he should be standing on other people's feet.
Oh, sorry! It's all right.
He's got no control over them wellies.
They're as soft as an old glove! Very suitable for wearing on the feet, old gloves(!) You know, it's so quiet up here, you could hear the rustle of a fag packet being handed round.
Speaking as an athlete, of course, I don't approve of cigarettes.
Have a peppermint.
I don't smoke peppermints.
If you must smoke at all, why don't you roll your own, like you do your trousers? What's up with me trousers? Well, I realise you're a socialist, but you could get yourself another pair.
You don't have to wait for the council to pull the old ones down.
Plenty of life in them yet! I'm not surprised - look at the number of ways you can get in.
Do you think Foggy reckons I'm scruffy? It's just that he doesn't look beyond the surface, where you are, more or less, foul.
Oh Hey, Foggy! Hey, Foggy, do you reckon I'm scruffy? Foggy? He's gone again.
Foggy! Are we going to stand here all day?! Well, we could go back to town and mend Stuart's leg.
What, again? Oh, well, if that's the way you feel about it, what do YOU suggest? You're always mending Stuart's leg.
I know, I know - I think it's a challenge.
I've just about had enough of you! IVY CONTINUES TO SHOUT My mother told me! I should have listened! Morning, Sid.
Morning.
Will you get on with that roof?! I could have married any one of six different birds, you know! In my early 20s, I had quite a modest range of choice.
Right through to that dinky bird called Watkins Well, not exactly THROUGH that dinky bird called Watkins, but we were close.
I should have listened to my mother! You what?! Nobody had any other choice BUT to listen to your mother! Well, she had YOU taped! Taped! She had me roped and tied before I could say no to a piece of fruit cake.
Just look at you! What's up? You're like a derelict shed! I thought you'd have made something of yourself.
Oh is that all? The way you were frowning, I thought my flies were undone.
There is no need to be coarse.
We can't all be suave and sophisticated, you know.
There isn't enough plates for us both to throw.
Oh, you make me that mad, I don't know.
If I'd had kids What makes you think your aim's going to be any better throwing kids(?) You always have to have the last word! .
.
Oh, hello.
Another male person in overalls, no doubt in a desperate hurry to get back to his honest labours.
No, there's no rush, love.
I bet there's no rush, love! Take no notice.
What can we get for you? I want six meat pies to take out and can you fill my flask? Of course.
Don't go pouring boiling tea in that thing until you've shouted down the hole.
There might be one of his workmates curled up snugly in the bottom, having himself the English male siesta.
You know, the one that lasts from nine till five! Take no notice.
DOOR SLAMS Yours? Aye.
Wouldn't it have been quicker just to cut your throat? Happen.
I think you must have nerves of steel.
There's a sense of superiority.
Aye, you deserve a medal.
I stopped hitting her on moral grounds when she nearly broke my jaw.
We have our good times.
If I can get three barley wines down her, it's as if flowers have suddenly started blooming in the desert.
There's your pies.
Aye, cheers.
We bring greetings from the great white catering public beyond the counter.
Hashas Stuart been in yet? No, not yet.
Sidney, do you want any offcuts of polystyrene? Well, if ever you do, you just you just give me the word.
How's your good lady? Depressing.
She's a bit temperamental, cos I won't go up on the roof.
Why doesn't she get a weathercock like anybody else(?) We've got some slates off.
The last big wind? Just about sums her up.
She's got a nice bust, though.
A-hem! Well, in a roly-poly sort of way, you know.
Personally, I thought that last remark came within a hair's breadth of being in bad taste.
And talking in terms of bad taste, did you know Shagnasty's back? Who? You remember Wainwright, the left-wing, lecherous librarian.
He spends his days dreaming of revolution.
And his nights dreaming of other men's wives.
Oh, THAT Wainwright.
So, Sidney, you have been warned! I should be so lucky! We're looking for Stuart.
I've got this idea to mend his leg.
What, again? Some people have loose slates, and some people have loose legs.
Anyway, we welcome a challenge.
Do you want a cuppa? Not that sort of a challenge.
You don't have to refuse my tea as fast at that! At least you could pretend to be tempted and think about it.
Oh, Nora Batty! Control yourself! Oh! You've never had his hands scratching feverishly at your back kitchen window when he knows your husband's out! That's true.
I'm sure we would have remembered Yeah, that must have had some fun on VE night! One night! The world was upside down.
My place still is.
Why don't you pop in with a neighbourly feather duster? Oh Phwoar, look at them wrinkled stockings! I'm going to stop insulting thee unless tha does something about them legs.
She makes her point very fluently with that handbag.
She used to be gay enough as a lass.
I blame her husband.
He put her right off men.
Of course, it couldn't be that she finds you scruffy and repulsive? I don't see why.
He's quite smart and she hates him.
No! I just egg her on a bit.
Brings a bit of colour in to her life.
A sort of muddy-brown.
'ey up! It's Stuart! I think he knows.
Would you mind not yorping out in the street like that? The only thing he never tears is his vocal chords! I read in the paper that people who speak soft are below average in their love life! R-rubbish, is that! THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER Hello, old boy! How's the leg? Wildly undisciplined.
Good! That used to be a knee I could rely on.
It's taken me all over.
Did it make any difference the last time they tried to jerk it straight for you? Oh, yes.
For three days I was in intolerable pain! Right, so obviously traction is not the answer.
If it's only a cartilage, maybe you should have it operated on.
I am not having Macpherson cutting me.
He's only just lost his license.
That were for driving! Not for surgery.
When he has gateposts half a mile apart, he still can't miss with a Mini 1000.
I don't feel inclined to let him loose with a knife inside my knee.
Yet he has this beautiful chalk-stripe suit, which must inspire a lot of surgical confidence.
He took our Annie's appendix out.
That's more believable than anybody taking your Annie out.
She misses the Yanks.
She didn't miss many when they were here.
She could have gone to a ranch in Texas.
So could Ibbotson's pony.
I imagine Texas as a kind of very large quarry.
I'd go there tomorrow.
Can we have that in writing? Yes, for a visit! Oh, well it would be for a visit.
I can't see you fleeing the long arm of National Assistance.
Have we come here to discuss my leg or haven't we? You are right, Stuart.
We are here primarily on behalf of your leg.
Where does it hurt, Stu? Yes, show us.
Ah, well.
Ow! It's diagonally across this centre, you see? Just about there.
STUART SCREAMS Yes, that seems to be it.
He's got an extra lump here.
Have you got an extra lump here? Not as far as I'm aware of, no.
I haven't got Have you got an extra lump? No, no.
Have you got an extra lump? No, I haven't but I tell you what I have got, I've got a haricot vein.
It's a very pretty colour, isn't it? It's like an Ordnance Survey map.
What the hell's going on? Is the tide coming in? It's just that Stuart seems to have this extra lump.
Just the thing to make my customers feel at ease.
I think I should have one.
It's not contagious! No, it's just a simple, mechanical CRACKING .
.
Treacherous, evil-minded, badly-lubricated mess of bone and gristle.
Sorry! Curry's off! But I'm going to master it.
Ah, that's the spirit, Stuart.
Can't go through life with an undisciplined leg.
What I want to know is, if this is your left leg, when you turn round, why isn't it your right? Never mind frivolous as an observation.
But to me, the wonders of existenceare confined is such little mysteries as, why is Ivy staring at us through that hatch? WHISTLES Yes, well, I see there's been another failure in soviet agriculture.
Yes, they should never have destroyed the cool act.
I used to greenfly, you know.
It'll be dark by nightfall.
You're never going to find a ladder stuck there.
Well, I've got to see to the customers.
Not right up their legs, you haven't.
Hey, have a feel of his knee.
Not likely! Go on! He's got a loose lump.
Just floats about like that.
you watch When I press his knee, his mouth opens.
Now, watch What's your diagnoses? It wants pushing back with a warm teaspoon.
Teaspoon.
Teaspoon.
Teaspoon.
How warm a teaspoon, doctor? No warmer than a fine old burgundy.
And when have you had a fine old burgundy? Never, but your patient's entitled to a bit of bedside manner.
Doctor? Yes.
Will it stop the click? Click? Click? What click? You never mentioned a click.
Are you sure you don't mean a clonk? No, a click.
Oh, a clonk-click.
Every trip.
Every time I walk! We'd better have a listen, then we might be able to diagnose it better.
Now, Stuart, I want you to walk up and down quite naturally and we'll listen.
But it clicks, I tell you, it clicks.
We believe you, Stuart, you look like the sort of man who might easily have a click.
Well, I ought to know if the damn thing clicks.
Righto.
Now, we'll listen.
We'll get closer.
Let's get some chairs.
THEY MUMBLE Right then.
Look, wait, wait, wait.
Righto now.
Comfy now? Right.
Right then Where is he? Oh, you're there! Come on, come on, get round here.
Walked up and down like a toad, come on, pull yourself together.
Now listen! Yes, all right.
I cant' here nothing, can you? What a waste of perfectly good clicks.
Me uncle had this leg Just the one? It used to click.
What was it? Deathwatch beetle.
In his leg? Mmm-hmm.
His wooden one.
I know Sid's Cafe, we'll be able to say.
The bijou sophisticated night spot.
We used to go there and listen to Stuart's clicks.
Aye.
They don't write clicks like that anymore.
Listen We'll be able to say, "They're playing our click.
" # I get no clicks form champagne If you're not interested, I shall take my clicks somewhere else.
No, it's all right, Stuart we'll kneel down.
Come on.
Kneel down and then Stuart can pass within a faction of an inch of our ears.
I think ears are very interesting.
Have you ever thought that if they were more square, how the corners would tend to cut the pillow? I just thought I'd mention it.
He left it out one night.
Who left what? His wooden leg, me uncle Wilf.
Deathwatch beetle got in sawdust all over the bed.
Can we get on now? This is the last time! I'm not walking up and down here clicking for you lot all day.
Come on, get on with it.
Right.
Clickety click! Get out! SHE SIGHS Women's Lib? You think we need an act of parliament to be the equal of you lot? Ooh, it makes me poorly.
The only distinguishing factor about the male sex is that he's got more in histrousers than he's got in his head.
What it's got in it's trousers it can keep for me.
It seems a little less long if you have a decent lunch.
I'll take you to a little place I know.
I usually bring sandwiches.
We'll have those at teatime.
You've got a big appetite, Mr Wainwright.
A man of colossal appetites Miss Moody.
HE YELPS Hey, you could be lucky there.
HE GIGGLES Company, halt.
Let her down.
Hold on to the end.
Now we lift it.
Come on.
That's it.
get hold of it.
Put me down! Put me down! Get off it, will you? I can't I'm stuck.
It's heavy enough without you swinging about on it.
Well, I didn't expect you to stick it up me jumper, did I? Close your mouth before it gets wedged in there.
Come on, up again.
Oh! Oh, me knee.
Me knee.
Oh, God, now what? This is not the highly trained, disciplined body of men I'm used to.
Do you think Stuart is trying to tell us something? Oh.
Lift, lift.
Ooh! Oh, by cor, that's heavy.
Hold it still.
I'll nip up and have a look.
What's up? I am.
So don't let go.
Don't let go.
Oh, come down, come down.
Let somebody else have a go.
Oh, I hate to see human beings shaking like a jelly.
You look like a breath of springtime, Sydney.
Everything's coming up green.
Hold this ladder, will you.
Don't go swanning off catchingcigarettes or scaring inspectors, I'll show you how it should be done.
Oh, get on up and let's have less rattle! Are you showing us? Hold the ladder, will you.
HE STUTTERS Just hold it still.
What was that? Did you hear that? Oh, oh No, I was I was doing fine, you see, until I heard it crack.
Yes, I It cracked.
II distinctly heard it crack.
Crack? Crack.
Oh, crack.
Oh, that sort of crack.
It was quite a sharp crack.
There's no sense in being foolhardy.
No, no, no.
You're not fooling anybody.
All right, all right.
At this point, the strict dictates of military planning require that we send in reserves.
We'll let Clegg have a go.
Stuart, it's at times like this that us cripples must stick together.
I like to eat where the people eat.
None of this bourgeois rubbish about napkins and a wine list.
I couldn't agree more.
I love the people, Miss Moody.
Oh, so do I.
So do I.
This is delicious tomato ketchup.
It's made locally.
Is it? I knew we'd have certain things in common.
I'm glad you love the people too.
How can one not? After all, we're not barbarians.
You know, I used to dream of leading them into a better society.
Maybe you still can.
There's so much paper work.
Now, a little leadership and initiative andthere we are.
Safe as houses.
Now, we take the rope round the telegraph pole, we chuck the end over the roof, we attach it to whichever volunteer is going up the ladder and he's got a safety harness.
You can't fall.
Not only that, but a gentle drive forward or reverse will raise or lower our roof repairer to the exact precise spot he requires to be.
Capitalism is a wasteland in which we search in vain for spiritual values.
Me too.
Have you ever been to red China, Mr Wainwright? No.
Most weekends I have a run into Huddersfield.
Perfectly safe.
Yeah, well it reminds me of that cowboy film when he road back into town and found that poor devil stuck up on the roof.
SCREAMING SHOUTING You great useless prawns! Oh! That's it.
Squeeze in.
That's the way.
Right, now up you go.
Come on, it's quite safe.
Look.
I mean Remember, you're going to earn yourself a few pounds - tax free.
Money grubber.
Er, go round and tell him to take up the slack.
Ah, yes.
Go, go, go.
Help! Help! Help! Get me down! Help! Did you check my insurance? Shut up, you're all right.
All right? I were going up and down like a yoyo! I think it suits you, going up and down.
I were scared.
We were thinking about you.
Nobody asked the fool to disappear over the roof.
LAUGHS It's not funny! Well, it'll do until you come up with something better.
Ee! No, it's off again! Hey, Norman LAUGHS You'll not be laughing when we're attacked by this vicious, drug crazed, motorcycle gang.
THEY HUM AND SING