Roseanne s03e02 Episode Script
Friends and Relatives
No, Jackie.
I got a microwave.
I don't have to start cooking till Dan comes home.
I made a meat loaf in 12 minutes.
It still tasted like crap, but it was so hot, nobody could tell.
Mother, talk to D.
J.
I was just in the bathroom completely naked, and he barges in.
Oh, great.
You traumatized him.
He'll be gay for sure now.
God, I hate you, Darlene.
Mother, are you listening? Your son is sick.
After seeing you naked, he's probably puking his guts out.
You shut your face, or I'll shut it for you.
Go for it, Barbie! Maybe I will, Ken! I think I heard something.
What? That's the third time he's walked in on me.
It was an accident.
Yeah.
Right.
I'll call you later.
The sedative I gave the kids for breakfast is wearing off.
Look me in the eye and say it was an accident.
I can tell when you're lying.
It was an accident.
Could you tell? Jeez.
I have so much to teach you, sprout.
Anybody home? It's me Arnie.
Hi.
Come on in, Arnie.
Mother.
I'll talk to him later.
Yeah, right.
I will.
Just keep your shirt on there.
Very funny.
Is this a bad time, Rosie? It's a bad life, Arnie.
I'm about to nuke some dinner, though.
I could go for something to eat.
Yeah? Well, then go.
You're always a kidder.
Not always.
Anyway, Nancy's got dinner for me at home.
We're shacking up.
How romantic.
I got evicted from my place, so it worked out good.
We can spend a lot more time together.
There's nothing like quantity time with the person you love.
But you get tired of always seeing that same face.
Hey, did I tell you we're getting married? When's she due? You're kidding, right? Yeah, I'm kidding.
Congratulations.
I knew it.
The minute I turned my back, you stole my man.
How's it going, buddy? Great.
How you doing? Hang on a second.
Why didn't you tell me Arnie was getting married? He didn't want it to mess up his dating action.
Yeah.
So many magazines, so little time.
I really appreciate this.
No problem.
I'll have the money back in six, seven weeks tops.
Check ok? You got an ID? Thanks, Rosie.
See you, guys.
Yeah.
"You got an ID"? How much did you lend him? A couple bucks.
How much? $1,500.
He's thrown work my way.
Why didn't you talk to me? It's covered.
I got steady work till Christmas.
I'd never do that without talking to you.
For once in my life I can write out a check to help a friend, no questions asked.
It's for his engagement ring.
How's this new microwave working out? You know, the one I bought you without asking.
Ooh.
I should have asked you.
You want me to stick my head in the oven? Kids, dinner.
We're having butt roast.
Dad, if D.
J.
accidentally walks in on me one more time, I'm going to kill him.
I'll talk to D.
J.
later.
You say you'll talk to D.
J.
, so does mom.
Is anybody going to do anything? Try locking your bathroom door.
Great.
Now it's my fault.
Everything wrong in this world is my fault.
You just figured that out? Drop dead.
You got to talk to D.
J.
The little pervert walked in on me again.
D.
J.
, stop peeking at Becky! Ok! There you go.
Mother.
I'll talk to him after I put the groceries away.
Hey, Darlene.
Hey! Hey.
Becky's in a mood.
Becky's always in a mood.
What you doing? Putting together some bids.
My, aren't you ambitious? I thought you were busy through Christmas? Not anymore.
The company went belly-up.
We'll never see that 6,000 they owe me.
Why does this always happen to us? We're ok.
I got some jobs lined up.
I just have to pay a couple small bills.
Like what kind of small bills? Car payment, mortgage, credit cards.
Oh, come on.
Cut it out.
We're ok.
What do you mean by ok? You mean "Becky can still go to college" ok, or "oh, boy, the government's giving away free cheese" ok? I know what you're thinking.
Even if I asked Arnie for the money back, we'd still be short.
By how much? 20 bucks.
Roseanne I didn't know this was going to happen.
I'm sure Arnie won't mind.
Why don't you tell him to return the money? No way.
He probably didn't buy the ring.
A guy doesn't ask for money back after it's lent.
A guy? What, is this some kind of testosterone thing here? [Deep voice.]
I got it covered, ok? Will you be letting the little woman in on how? I'll just get a swing loan.
Why go to the bank? Because that's where the money is, my pet.
But maybe you should ask your folks or my folks.
Yeah.
Why don't I just borrow it from your folks? Yeah, wait a minute Ugh! The bank's just going to charge you some huge interest.
Roseanne, I know how to cut a deal.
I'll just waltz in and act like I don't need the money.
You better act like you got a gun.
Ah, here it is.
Yes.
Traffic directional guidance apparatus.
Or as we on the force like to call them, white gloves.
Without these, I'm just some idiot standing in traffic.
With those, you're just some Stop.
You see? The power of the glove.
So, uh Did you get these moves at the police academy? No, the Pips.
So how'd it go? Smooth.
What's going on? How come you're all dressed up? What, this old thing? Come on.
Jackie, do the words "none of your business" mean anything to you? Go ahead and tell her.
She's family.
I had to negotiate a loan from the bank.
For what? I wanted to be in debt.
Come on.
I came up a little short this month and needed help paying bills.
I got cash saved.
I could loan you some.
No, thanks.
I'd lend you money, you'd pay me back.
It's like a game.
Roseanne, make it stop.
I say we take her for every cent she's got.
How much you talking about? 1,500.
Is that all? That's chump change.
Not that all chumps would have that change.
It's taken care of.
How much interest are we paying? What difference does it make? I want to know! There's a loan fee of $150.
The interest rate is 19 1/2 %, ok? You really forced them to their knees there, Ace.
I'll tell you what, I won't charge you any loan fee or interest.
You just got to, uh Suck up to me for a couple weeks.
Well, hell, in that case, no.
How come it's ok to pay this huge interest, but it's not ok to get it from Jackie for nothing? It's good business, dear.
Ok, forget sucking up.
Just your undying gratitude.
I said no! Don't yell at my sister.
I just don't want her damn money.
Dan Just keep your nose out of my business.
Jeez.
Grump.
Yeah.
I don't know what got into him.
The opportunity to kiss your butt doesn't come along every day.
I was joking.
I'll apologize.
No, no, no, no, no.
Listen, you want to make it up to him? Write him a check.
He won't take it.
Yes, he will.
Trust me.
Just make it out to Roseanne Conner.
Aah! Mom, Darlene hit me! I didn't touch you.
I barely pushed you.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
No! Mom! Damn.
She hit me! He was watching me get dressed.
I said to cut that out.
You said stop peeking at Becky.
He's got me there, Darlene.
What's going on? Now the little pervert's peeking at me.
Why? It was fun for everybody when he peeked at Becky, but now someone may get hurt.
D.
J.
, come here.
Darlene, go away.
Darlene called me a prevert.
No, you're not a prevert, honey, you're a pervert.
You're just growing up and curious, but you don't like people walking in on you when you're getting undressed.
Neither do your sisters.
Does daddy see you naked? Yeah, but it's different for married people.
Married people have to see each other naked.
Knock knock.
Anybody home? Hey, Rosie.
Hi.
I'll be right with you.
You just need to respect your sisters' privacy more, ok? Ok.
Or else one of them's going to kill you.
Go get ready for bed.
Ok.
Kid's a peeper, huh? Boy, that takes me back.
What, you got sisters, too? I wish.
Here.
This is kind of a thank you thing.
I'll take it in the kitchen.
I hope you don't have one already.
Uh, no, Arnie.
I don't have a, uh, wine and soap basket.
I got it at the car wash.
So, uh Did you get Nancy her little surprise yet? Sure did.
Did she like it? You bet.
So she's going to keep it? There's no way to return it.
What if there was, like, a really, really good reason? It's just a ring.
I didn't buy a ring.
Then what did you do? I got her one of those breast augmentation deals.
Huh? You know.
You got her a boob job? Yeah.
Two of them.
It's what she wanted.
We gave you $1,500 for that? Actually, I only had half, so I borrowed 1,500 so she didn't walk crooked.
What do you think? Which one is ours? Hey, Arnie.
Dan, buddy.
Oh Danny.
Yes? There's a couple things we need to talk about.
Like what? Oh, like Nancy's engagement present.
Please tell me you got her a camera.
No, but we did help with the developing.
You bought her The gift that keeps on giving.
Neat, huh? I thought you were going to give her a ring? Dan, she's got rings.
Arn, ha-hang out here.
Finish your beer.
Honey, honey, honey I thought it was for a ring.
Well, it ain't.
I think he ought to pay interest.
That wasn't the deal.
We're paying the bank interest.
What if he can't? Are we going to repossess? We'll give them to Darlene, so D.
J.
Has something to look at.
Yep, I'm still here.
You heard what was said? I missed the part about charging me interest.
If I'd known this would happen, I would've said I got her a ring.
I know that, Arnie.
It doesn't matter.
I borrowed the money from Jackie.
I didn't tell him.
I don't think you want to do that.
It's my house.
I got a right.
Absolutely.
You do.
You said I was wrong.
I don't want to get you mad, 'cause I owe you money.
Shouldn't I give Dan a check? Your check ain't worth squat.
Everybody knows that, but If you give me Jackie's check, I'll cover it.
This is just another stupid guy thing, isn't it? If the money's from the bank or me, he's taking care of his family.
If it's from Jackie, she's taking care of his family.
I didn't tell Nancy I borrowed money from Dan.
I didn't want her to think these are Dan's boobs.
I'm the man.
These are my boobs.
We're out of beer, honey? I'm going to get some.
You want to come, Arn? Sure.
Oh, I got that money.
Arnie.
You said six weeks.
It came sooner than I thought.
Where did he get the money from? I bet on a horse named Lucky Arnie.
Dan Right.
Lucky Dan, a long shot.
Arnie.
Lucky Arnie, lucky Dan.
Work with me here.
Why are you friends with him? Ok, I took the money from Jackie myself.
You took the check from your sister? Well, I'm out of here.
Hey, enjoy the soap.
Give it back, Roseanne.
It's my family, too.
I said no.
And I said I'm taking my sister's check.
Yeah? Well, what do you think of this? Where the hell is that tape? Hey.
Hi, Dan.
What you up to? Waiting for Gary.
You? Running away from home.
Buy you a drink? No.
Let me buy.
Yeah, I'll have a beer.
Hey, Willie, give me a couple beers, please.
Oh Things are good with you and Gary? Yeah, great.
Yeah.
You and Roseanne? Well I tore up your check.
What's keeping Gary? I know you were only trying to help.
I'm sorry.
I had it coming.
Yeah.
All these years I've been eating your food, using your washing machine, making long distance calls on the That's not important, but I just figured I'd pay you back.
I appreciate it, Jackie, but I borrowed money from relatives before, and it never works out.
I agree.
Remember who lent me money for my first car? You're welcome.
"Don't worry, Jackie.
I'll find you a nice solid transportation vehicle.
" "I don't want a nice solid transportation vehicle.
"I want a shiny new piece of crap that looks good and goes vrrroom.
" Well, I did.
Oh, I know.
I know.
I remember back when me and Rosey was getting started.
We wanted to buy the house.
I had to borrow money from her folks your folks.
14 years ago, and I still have to pretend I like them.
Same here.
So Neither one of us will ever borrow from family again.
Here.
But you'd borrow from a friend.
Sure.
Sure.
I don't think of you just as family.
I think of you as a friend.
I think of you as family.
It would make me feel so good to help you guys out.
Eeh.
You're my friend, huh? Absolutely.
You sure you got this kind of money? All you got to do is ask.
You got it, pal.
Hey.
Where you been? Having a drink with a friend.
Oh, boy.
I love a man who knows when to cave.
Are you kidding? She begged me.
What are you doing? Oh.
Nancy's picture here It's like they follow you.
You're right.
It's eerie.
There was a bunch of these.
We shouldn't leave them laying around.
Where's the other ones? I thought you had them.
What do I need them for, proof of purchase? D.
J.
! D.
J.
!
I got a microwave.
I don't have to start cooking till Dan comes home.
I made a meat loaf in 12 minutes.
It still tasted like crap, but it was so hot, nobody could tell.
Mother, talk to D.
J.
I was just in the bathroom completely naked, and he barges in.
Oh, great.
You traumatized him.
He'll be gay for sure now.
God, I hate you, Darlene.
Mother, are you listening? Your son is sick.
After seeing you naked, he's probably puking his guts out.
You shut your face, or I'll shut it for you.
Go for it, Barbie! Maybe I will, Ken! I think I heard something.
What? That's the third time he's walked in on me.
It was an accident.
Yeah.
Right.
I'll call you later.
The sedative I gave the kids for breakfast is wearing off.
Look me in the eye and say it was an accident.
I can tell when you're lying.
It was an accident.
Could you tell? Jeez.
I have so much to teach you, sprout.
Anybody home? It's me Arnie.
Hi.
Come on in, Arnie.
Mother.
I'll talk to him later.
Yeah, right.
I will.
Just keep your shirt on there.
Very funny.
Is this a bad time, Rosie? It's a bad life, Arnie.
I'm about to nuke some dinner, though.
I could go for something to eat.
Yeah? Well, then go.
You're always a kidder.
Not always.
Anyway, Nancy's got dinner for me at home.
We're shacking up.
How romantic.
I got evicted from my place, so it worked out good.
We can spend a lot more time together.
There's nothing like quantity time with the person you love.
But you get tired of always seeing that same face.
Hey, did I tell you we're getting married? When's she due? You're kidding, right? Yeah, I'm kidding.
Congratulations.
I knew it.
The minute I turned my back, you stole my man.
How's it going, buddy? Great.
How you doing? Hang on a second.
Why didn't you tell me Arnie was getting married? He didn't want it to mess up his dating action.
Yeah.
So many magazines, so little time.
I really appreciate this.
No problem.
I'll have the money back in six, seven weeks tops.
Check ok? You got an ID? Thanks, Rosie.
See you, guys.
Yeah.
"You got an ID"? How much did you lend him? A couple bucks.
How much? $1,500.
He's thrown work my way.
Why didn't you talk to me? It's covered.
I got steady work till Christmas.
I'd never do that without talking to you.
For once in my life I can write out a check to help a friend, no questions asked.
It's for his engagement ring.
How's this new microwave working out? You know, the one I bought you without asking.
Ooh.
I should have asked you.
You want me to stick my head in the oven? Kids, dinner.
We're having butt roast.
Dad, if D.
J.
accidentally walks in on me one more time, I'm going to kill him.
I'll talk to D.
J.
later.
You say you'll talk to D.
J.
, so does mom.
Is anybody going to do anything? Try locking your bathroom door.
Great.
Now it's my fault.
Everything wrong in this world is my fault.
You just figured that out? Drop dead.
You got to talk to D.
J.
The little pervert walked in on me again.
D.
J.
, stop peeking at Becky! Ok! There you go.
Mother.
I'll talk to him after I put the groceries away.
Hey, Darlene.
Hey! Hey.
Becky's in a mood.
Becky's always in a mood.
What you doing? Putting together some bids.
My, aren't you ambitious? I thought you were busy through Christmas? Not anymore.
The company went belly-up.
We'll never see that 6,000 they owe me.
Why does this always happen to us? We're ok.
I got some jobs lined up.
I just have to pay a couple small bills.
Like what kind of small bills? Car payment, mortgage, credit cards.
Oh, come on.
Cut it out.
We're ok.
What do you mean by ok? You mean "Becky can still go to college" ok, or "oh, boy, the government's giving away free cheese" ok? I know what you're thinking.
Even if I asked Arnie for the money back, we'd still be short.
By how much? 20 bucks.
Roseanne I didn't know this was going to happen.
I'm sure Arnie won't mind.
Why don't you tell him to return the money? No way.
He probably didn't buy the ring.
A guy doesn't ask for money back after it's lent.
A guy? What, is this some kind of testosterone thing here? [Deep voice.]
I got it covered, ok? Will you be letting the little woman in on how? I'll just get a swing loan.
Why go to the bank? Because that's where the money is, my pet.
But maybe you should ask your folks or my folks.
Yeah.
Why don't I just borrow it from your folks? Yeah, wait a minute Ugh! The bank's just going to charge you some huge interest.
Roseanne, I know how to cut a deal.
I'll just waltz in and act like I don't need the money.
You better act like you got a gun.
Ah, here it is.
Yes.
Traffic directional guidance apparatus.
Or as we on the force like to call them, white gloves.
Without these, I'm just some idiot standing in traffic.
With those, you're just some Stop.
You see? The power of the glove.
So, uh Did you get these moves at the police academy? No, the Pips.
So how'd it go? Smooth.
What's going on? How come you're all dressed up? What, this old thing? Come on.
Jackie, do the words "none of your business" mean anything to you? Go ahead and tell her.
She's family.
I had to negotiate a loan from the bank.
For what? I wanted to be in debt.
Come on.
I came up a little short this month and needed help paying bills.
I got cash saved.
I could loan you some.
No, thanks.
I'd lend you money, you'd pay me back.
It's like a game.
Roseanne, make it stop.
I say we take her for every cent she's got.
How much you talking about? 1,500.
Is that all? That's chump change.
Not that all chumps would have that change.
It's taken care of.
How much interest are we paying? What difference does it make? I want to know! There's a loan fee of $150.
The interest rate is 19 1/2 %, ok? You really forced them to their knees there, Ace.
I'll tell you what, I won't charge you any loan fee or interest.
You just got to, uh Suck up to me for a couple weeks.
Well, hell, in that case, no.
How come it's ok to pay this huge interest, but it's not ok to get it from Jackie for nothing? It's good business, dear.
Ok, forget sucking up.
Just your undying gratitude.
I said no! Don't yell at my sister.
I just don't want her damn money.
Dan Just keep your nose out of my business.
Jeez.
Grump.
Yeah.
I don't know what got into him.
The opportunity to kiss your butt doesn't come along every day.
I was joking.
I'll apologize.
No, no, no, no, no.
Listen, you want to make it up to him? Write him a check.
He won't take it.
Yes, he will.
Trust me.
Just make it out to Roseanne Conner.
Aah! Mom, Darlene hit me! I didn't touch you.
I barely pushed you.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
No! Mom! Damn.
She hit me! He was watching me get dressed.
I said to cut that out.
You said stop peeking at Becky.
He's got me there, Darlene.
What's going on? Now the little pervert's peeking at me.
Why? It was fun for everybody when he peeked at Becky, but now someone may get hurt.
D.
J.
, come here.
Darlene, go away.
Darlene called me a prevert.
No, you're not a prevert, honey, you're a pervert.
You're just growing up and curious, but you don't like people walking in on you when you're getting undressed.
Neither do your sisters.
Does daddy see you naked? Yeah, but it's different for married people.
Married people have to see each other naked.
Knock knock.
Anybody home? Hey, Rosie.
Hi.
I'll be right with you.
You just need to respect your sisters' privacy more, ok? Ok.
Or else one of them's going to kill you.
Go get ready for bed.
Ok.
Kid's a peeper, huh? Boy, that takes me back.
What, you got sisters, too? I wish.
Here.
This is kind of a thank you thing.
I'll take it in the kitchen.
I hope you don't have one already.
Uh, no, Arnie.
I don't have a, uh, wine and soap basket.
I got it at the car wash.
So, uh Did you get Nancy her little surprise yet? Sure did.
Did she like it? You bet.
So she's going to keep it? There's no way to return it.
What if there was, like, a really, really good reason? It's just a ring.
I didn't buy a ring.
Then what did you do? I got her one of those breast augmentation deals.
Huh? You know.
You got her a boob job? Yeah.
Two of them.
It's what she wanted.
We gave you $1,500 for that? Actually, I only had half, so I borrowed 1,500 so she didn't walk crooked.
What do you think? Which one is ours? Hey, Arnie.
Dan, buddy.
Oh Danny.
Yes? There's a couple things we need to talk about.
Like what? Oh, like Nancy's engagement present.
Please tell me you got her a camera.
No, but we did help with the developing.
You bought her The gift that keeps on giving.
Neat, huh? I thought you were going to give her a ring? Dan, she's got rings.
Arn, ha-hang out here.
Finish your beer.
Honey, honey, honey I thought it was for a ring.
Well, it ain't.
I think he ought to pay interest.
That wasn't the deal.
We're paying the bank interest.
What if he can't? Are we going to repossess? We'll give them to Darlene, so D.
J.
Has something to look at.
Yep, I'm still here.
You heard what was said? I missed the part about charging me interest.
If I'd known this would happen, I would've said I got her a ring.
I know that, Arnie.
It doesn't matter.
I borrowed the money from Jackie.
I didn't tell him.
I don't think you want to do that.
It's my house.
I got a right.
Absolutely.
You do.
You said I was wrong.
I don't want to get you mad, 'cause I owe you money.
Shouldn't I give Dan a check? Your check ain't worth squat.
Everybody knows that, but If you give me Jackie's check, I'll cover it.
This is just another stupid guy thing, isn't it? If the money's from the bank or me, he's taking care of his family.
If it's from Jackie, she's taking care of his family.
I didn't tell Nancy I borrowed money from Dan.
I didn't want her to think these are Dan's boobs.
I'm the man.
These are my boobs.
We're out of beer, honey? I'm going to get some.
You want to come, Arn? Sure.
Oh, I got that money.
Arnie.
You said six weeks.
It came sooner than I thought.
Where did he get the money from? I bet on a horse named Lucky Arnie.
Dan Right.
Lucky Dan, a long shot.
Arnie.
Lucky Arnie, lucky Dan.
Work with me here.
Why are you friends with him? Ok, I took the money from Jackie myself.
You took the check from your sister? Well, I'm out of here.
Hey, enjoy the soap.
Give it back, Roseanne.
It's my family, too.
I said no.
And I said I'm taking my sister's check.
Yeah? Well, what do you think of this? Where the hell is that tape? Hey.
Hi, Dan.
What you up to? Waiting for Gary.
You? Running away from home.
Buy you a drink? No.
Let me buy.
Yeah, I'll have a beer.
Hey, Willie, give me a couple beers, please.
Oh Things are good with you and Gary? Yeah, great.
Yeah.
You and Roseanne? Well I tore up your check.
What's keeping Gary? I know you were only trying to help.
I'm sorry.
I had it coming.
Yeah.
All these years I've been eating your food, using your washing machine, making long distance calls on the That's not important, but I just figured I'd pay you back.
I appreciate it, Jackie, but I borrowed money from relatives before, and it never works out.
I agree.
Remember who lent me money for my first car? You're welcome.
"Don't worry, Jackie.
I'll find you a nice solid transportation vehicle.
" "I don't want a nice solid transportation vehicle.
"I want a shiny new piece of crap that looks good and goes vrrroom.
" Well, I did.
Oh, I know.
I know.
I remember back when me and Rosey was getting started.
We wanted to buy the house.
I had to borrow money from her folks your folks.
14 years ago, and I still have to pretend I like them.
Same here.
So Neither one of us will ever borrow from family again.
Here.
But you'd borrow from a friend.
Sure.
Sure.
I don't think of you just as family.
I think of you as a friend.
I think of you as family.
It would make me feel so good to help you guys out.
Eeh.
You're my friend, huh? Absolutely.
You sure you got this kind of money? All you got to do is ask.
You got it, pal.
Hey.
Where you been? Having a drink with a friend.
Oh, boy.
I love a man who knows when to cave.
Are you kidding? She begged me.
What are you doing? Oh.
Nancy's picture here It's like they follow you.
You're right.
It's eerie.
There was a bunch of these.
We shouldn't leave them laying around.
Where's the other ones? I thought you had them.
What do I need them for, proof of purchase? D.
J.
! D.
J.
!