Rules of Engagement s03e02 Episode Script

Ugh, that dress is awful.
Construction is so shoddy.
Yeah, but the design is really fashion forward.
Look at that draping.
That's right, I said "draping.
" Hey, guys.
Hey.
I need to borrow a book a guy would like.
Is it for Adam? 'Cause we don't have anything that pops up.
No.
It's for my new friend, Charlie.
I started volunteering to read to the elderly.
Really? What made you start doing that? Was it court ordered? A little glug, glug? Little pow, pow? Why do so many of the titles start with.
The Big Bathroom Book of? I find the Triple B series to be entertaining and succinct.
I will go with a novel since I won't be reading to Charlie in the bathroom.
If he's wearing a diaper, every room's the bathroom.
It's the thing Jeff most looks forward to about getting old.
Well, it's good to have goals.
See you guys later.
So Jen's off helping others while we're spending our Saturday in sweats, watching mindless TV and eating kids cereal right out of the box.
Yeah.
We win.
I have all day.
* How many ways To say, "I love you?" * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * Hey, I What is that smell? Are you wearing cologne? Cologne? Please.
It's pheromones from a bull moose in rutting season, dip wipe.
Yeah, 'cause you're interviewing for a new assistant today.
Yeah.
That last one was such a whiner.
I was tired of all her questions.
Well, "where am I?" and "how long I've been out for?" are legitimate questions.
Well, that's water and hush money under the bridge.
So how's it looking out there? Is the casting couch filling up? Oh, take a look for yourself.
Dude, what's with the meat locker? Oh.
Remember? You're not allowed to hire women anymore.
What? Why? Didn't you get the 15-page reprimand hand-delivered by company attorneys? I thought that was a joke.
What am I gonna do with a male assistant? What do you do with a female assistant? I don't know.
Sniff their hair, tell 'em to bend over and pick stuff up.
It's all in the reprimand.
Now I smell like moose whiz for nothing.
I don't even know how to pick a guy.
My normal interview questions don't apply.
All right.
"Question one: Can I get you a cocktail?" I don't like to drink alone.
Oh, my God.
You actually ask them the second question? Well, presumably they've had a cocktail.
Let's just start the interviewing.
Who's up first? Ow! You.
Come on in.
Mr.
Dunbar.
It's an honor to meet you.
Here's my resume.
And your bagel.
Timmy, huh? Did that bagel hit the ground? No, just me.
Great.
You're hired.
Uh, Russell.
What? He caught the bagel.
Hey.
Hey.
Get this.
Guy on the elevator just tried talking to me.
Just shut up and look at the numbers.
Hi.
Hi.
What's all this crap? Last night I had an epiphany.
I'm surprised, it wasn't even my A game.
No.
I don't mean that, Although that would be an epiphany too.
No.
Jen's volunteering made me realize I don't do anything to help other people.
You didn't know that? I want to do more.
So I got the number from Jen and I signed up to read to the elderly too.
Oh.
Here we go.
What does that mean? Well, You have a habit of getting on these.
"I'm gonna be a better person" kicks.
And you always end up quitting and then feeling bad about yourself.
I do not always quit.
Really? Being a vegetarian, reducing your carbon footprint, meditating.
Hey! It was hard to meditate with you constantly trying to feel me up.
Well, you were just sitting there.
This time is gonna be different.
No.
No, it isn't.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
This time I'm committed to helping an actual person.
Tell you what.
If I'm wrong, I will volunteer too.
But if I'm right and you quit, you owe me one "Jeff's Choice.
" If you don't think you can do it All right, all right, you're on.
But trust me, you're going down.
No, no.
I said "Jeff's Choice.
" Hey, where's Timmy? He's off doing some assistant work.
Kid's got a sharp mind, he's a real go-getter.
Okay, sir, I just finished alphabetizing your erotica.
Above and beyond, I like that.
Seriously? You've got an MBA.
No.
No, it's fine.
One must start at the bottom.
A rule clearly followed by many of the actors in your film collection.
However, I did have some thoughts about the Brooklyn Shipyard redevelopment Yeah, and I wanna hear 'em.
But, quickly, can you just do that thing for Adam? Really, sir, I don't Come on.
It's fun.
Bond.
James Bond.
Never gets old.
Debatable, sir.
Well, I'm off to, uh, pick up your prescriptions, your dry cleaning, and two giant gumballs from the machine in the Times Square arcade.
Yeah.
And don't you quit till you get a red one.
Naturally, sir.
Mr.
Rhodes? Would you like a giant gumball as well? No, Timmy, I am not gonna make you get me a stupid gumball.
Thank you, sir.
Unless they have the speckled kind.
I'll take one of those.
"Her bosom heaved as Lance whispered softly in her ear " What? "H-Her bosom heaved " Speak up! "Her bosom heaved as Lance " Take a lozenge.
Thank you.
Oh, God, there's hair on them.
All right, where were we? Don't let me interrupt you.
I just have to I should step out.
No, no.
Sit down.
Keep reading! Keep reading! "It's a dream being here with you.
" "I Hope this magical moment never " Be careful! Oh, no.
No! Steven, get a mop! Well, if it isn't Leonardo DiCaprio and the Titanic.
Who's this guy? This is Russell's new assistant, Timmy.
You got me, I-I do look like Leo.
So where's Russell? Running late, sir.
Would you mind sitting next to Mr.
Bingham? Mr.
Dunbar likes to see both of your reactions to his hilarity.
Seriously, who is this guy? Well, see you guys met Timmy.
So, what'd you go with? Leo and Titanic, sir.
Cut them to the core, just as you predicted.
By the way, we have a 3:00 meeting with Oh, all business matters go through Timmy.
Timmy, would you tell Russell I'm sorry, Mr.
Dunbar's at lunch.
He's right there! We'll call back.
Where can we reach you? I'm right here.
What's this? We haven't even ordered yet.
I called in ahead.
So, sir, saltines, oyster crackers? Surprise me.
Ooh, check her out.
Would you like me to pursue that opportunity and obtain her contact information? While you enjoy your soup? You would do that for me? If you would take a look at my idea for the Brooklyn Shipyard project.
You did say you would.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I will, okay, I promise.
Then it'll be my pleasure.
SpongeBob, squarehead.
So you don't love reading to the elderly, it's not the end of the world.
This is nothing like I expected.
I mean, she is almost deaf.
I am not reading to the elderly, I'm screaming at them! You're screaming at me.
Oh, what does it matter? We're the only people who can hear in this place.
Look, I've been doing this awhile.
So I know how difficult it can be.
Well, I can't quit.
Then I'd have to face Jeff.
He thinks it's just another one of my "kicks.
" Oh, like when you were gonna start walking to work, or read more, or stop drinking so much wine Boy, you'd think with all your volunteering you wouldn't have had time to make a list.
Anyway, if I quit, he's gonna do his.
"I was right and you were wrong" dance which, surprise, is performed in the nude.
Jennifer, my dear, there you are.
Oh, hey! Audrey, this is Charlie.
A pleasure to meet you.
You're kidding? This is who you got? I know, isn't he adorable? No, you're adorable.
Ha, ha.
Oh, Charlie.
Today he's reading to me.
Is he? Mm-hm.
I thought we'd do so while having lunch outside.
My dear.
Hang in there.
In there.
I got Timmy out in the plaza scoping chicks for me.
Timmy, see the girl in the tall boots by the hot dog cart? You got her.
Yeah.
See if she's single.
Oh, she has a boyfriend? Uh, see if she wants to get back at him for anything.
D-Don't you think you're taking advantage of Timmy? Taking advantage or mentoring? Taking advantage.
Or mentoring.
Saying it slower doesn't make it true.
Timmy, girl in pink sweater across the Oh.
Oh, he hit a hot dog cart.
Timmy, you down? Listen, if you can move.
Get me a hot dog with mustard and relish.
So, what are you saying, you don't want to volunteer anymore? Oh, no, no, no, no, I am not quitting.
I can't quit.
Or my husband Are you married? No, I don't need that.
Well, it's just that, you know, since I'm new, maybe there's a patient who's a little less challenging.
Actually, we assigned you Edie because you're new.
Most of our other residents have far more difficult issues.
Are you kidding me? Her room is like a monkey cage.
I'm sorry, it's just I was hoping maybe I could get somebody like Charlie, for example.
Charlie already has a volunteer.
We could trade.
I don't think we could do that.
Maybe we can.
Say, Charlie in exchange for Andrew Jackson? Oh, hey.
So how was your picnic with Jay Gatsby? Why should I tell you, geezer thief? What are you talking about? I Save it.
Miss Alberts told me about your lame bribe attempt.
Damn it.
I should've gone with a 50.
I'm sorry, I was desperate.
I'm just gonna have to tell Jeff he was right and face the music.
And the disturbing dance that goes with it.
Or you could buck up and realize you're comforting someone who probably doesn't have much longer to live.
You're right.
You're right.
Hey.
What, you got a cold? No.
I'm sad, Jeff.
Don't worry, it's just a cold.
I'm sad because my dear friend Edie, she This is hard.
Edie passed away.
She passed away? When? Today.
With me right there at her bedside.
Really? Yeah.
I just finished the day's reading and and she reached out and I took her hand, and this part just blew me away.
She smiled and whispered, "thank you, kind angel.
" And then she was gone.
Oh.
It was a powerful moment.
So I guess our bet is off.
Edie called five minutes ago.
You left your sunglasses.
What? Wow! She was only sleeping! What a relief! This is wonderful news! That's what you're going with? Yes.
Not to be a pest, sir, but have you had an opportunity to look over my proposal yet? You know what I haven't, but it's on my to do list.
I keep your to do list, sir.
Oh.
Okay.
Why don't you take lunch? Yes.
Mmm.
Oh, hey, kettle corn.
Whoo-ooh.
That's a good batch.
Mm.
You know, this would be a great cereal.
Pour some milk in a bowl.
You want to? You want me to get bowls? Oh.
All right then, see you in ten minutes.
Bye, bye.
Who was that? Oh, after I ran into the hot dog cart, the girl in the pink sweater helped me up.
My girl in the pink sweater? Yes.
We got to talking, made lunch plans.
Timmy, can you close the door for a second? Ahem.
Timmy, are you familiar with Dunbar Company Policy? Every word, sir.
Okay.
Well I'm gonna guess that they're pretty strict about conducting personal business on company time.
Quite frankly, I am very disappointed in you.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Dunbar, I felt since I'd accumulated so many numbers for you For me? Oh, right, for me, because you work for me.
Yes.
And I've done everything you've asked of me, including things I find quite unsavory.
He's talking about all the porn.
Yes, thank you.
Now, sir, I realize I have to pay my dues, but I don't feel that I'm being taken seriously.
Can I try on your glasses? No! I cannot continue to be your assistant if there's no chance for professional advancement.
You will find my resignation on your desk in the morning, along with your final hot Croissan'Wich.
Timmy, don't go.
You're right.
I've been remiss.
I tell you what.
I'm gonna read your report right now.
Where is that report? It was right No.
You stuck it under the table leg here so it wouldn't wobble.
No, no, no.
I didn't put the report under so won't wobble.
I put the table on the report so wouldn't blow away.
How stupid do you think I am, sir? I mean, you're clearly, clearly, taking advantage of me.
Taking advantage or mentoring? What? Or mentoring.
I suppose I hadn't thought of it that way, sir.
You gotta be kidding me.
Why do you think I chose you? I assume because I caught the bagel.
No, no.
I saw something in you.
Something that made me think: "You're the guy.
" You could be the guy that could shine.
No, no.
Thrive at D-Dunbar Group.
But you know, maybe I'm wrong.
No, sir, you're not.
No, no.
I'm wrong.
You're not wrong at all.
I Here's the thing.
Perhaps being fresh out of Business School, I was so focused on advancement, I did not recognize your unconventional tutelage.
No, Timmy, you didn't.
And you know how that made me feel? I guess I didn't take into consideration Bad, it made me feel bad.
Now, lucky for you, I'm a big believer in second chances.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Thank you ever so much.
I'll see you after lunch.
Okay.
Mr.
Rhodes.
I can't believe he bought that mentoring crap.
Or can you? What happened? Is it Edie? I'm very sorry to tell you this, but Miss Bennett passed away.
She couldn't have done this yesterday? Hey, you didn't happen to see a pair of sunglasses in there, did you? Hey.
Shouldn't you be at the home? You're not gonna believe this, but Edie died.
Really? No, uh, "thank you, kind angel"? It's not a joke, Jeff.
She really died.
Huh.
If she kicked one day sooner, you would've been sitting pretty.
Yeah.
Trust me, I did that math.
But then I started to think that somehow, karmically, this is my fault.
Audrey No, really.
When I was nine I was so jealous of my sister.
I wished she would hurt her ankle so she wouldn't make the pep squad.
And she did.
You pushed her off the porch.
You didn't push Edie off the porch, did you? No.
But looks like you win.
So nude up.
Start dancing.
The "I was right and you were wrong" dance is no fun when you're already sad.
I should just accept it.
I am not a good person.
Hey, don't say that.
You are a good person.
Ah, I appreciate that but it's not true.
Sure it is.
I mean, who else out there would continue to try and be better over and over again without ever succeeding? And what do people always tell children? It's not whether you win or you lose, it's whether you try your best.
And you always try your best.
That is so sweet.
Thank you.
Feel better? I do.
A little less sad? Yeah.
Good.
* I was right And you were wrong * * Doo-dah, doo-dah * * I was right And you were wrong * * All the doo-dah day * * Doo-dah-doo-dah-la * What's up, Timmy? Mr.
Rhodes.
What the hell? I'm sorry, sir.
He's not in.
Yes, he is.
No, he's not.
But I can see him.
No, you can't.
Would you care to leave a number?