Big Bang Theory s03e03 Episode Script

[SINGING ALONG TO RADIO.]
Goin' out tonight I'm feelin' all right Gonna let it all hang out Wanna make some noise Really raise my voice Yeah, I wanna scream and shout Unh! No-- Morning, Sheldon.
Come dance with me.
No.
Why not? Penny, while I subscribe to the Many-Worlds theory which posits the existence of infinite Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that none of them am I dancing.
Are you fun in any of them? The math would suggest that in a few, I'm a clown made of candy.
But I don't dance.
-All right, want some French toast? -It's oatmeal day.
Tell you what, next French toast day, I will make you oatmeal.
Dear Lord, are you still going to be here on French toast day? Morning.
Look, Leonard, Penny made French toast.
Sorry, I haven't given her your schedule yet.
It's an iCal download.
She can put it right in her phone.
And we agreed you'd have conjugal visits in her apartment.
We did, but there were extenuating circumstances.
I see.
Did her abysmal housekeeping skills finally trump her perkiness? No, her bed kind of broke.
That doesn't seem likely.
Her bed's of sturdy construction.
Even the addition of a second normal-sized human wouldn't cause a structural failure, much less a homunculus such as yourself.
A homunculus? Perfectly formed miniature human being.
Oh, you're my little homunculus.
Don't do that.
Sorry.
Okay, who wants syrup and who wants cinnamon sugar? -I want oatmeal.
-Yes, well I want a boyfriend whose roommate isn't a giant pain in the ass.
LEONARD: Ha, ha.
-I'm sure that will happen soon enough.
But in the meantime, I still want oatmeal.
You know what? I give up.
He's impossible.
I can't be impossible, I exist.
I believe what you meant to say is, "I give up.
He's improbable.
" Sheldon, you need to find a better way of dealing with Penny.
What am I supposed to do? Eat French toast on a Monday? Now, that would be impossible.
I'm saying you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
You can catch even more flies with manure.
What's your point? It's a-- [LEONARD SIGHS.]
Boy, that does smell good.
Too bad it's Monday.
Kim, the night manager, went on maternity leave and her husband's name is Sandy.
So get this, her replacement is a woman named Sandy whose husband's name is Kim.
[CHORTLING.]
-Wow.
-I know.
What are the odds? Oh.
Easily calculable.
We begin by identifying the set of couples with unisex names.
We eliminate those unqualified for restaurant work: the aged, the imprisoned and the limbless, for example.
-Next, we look at the-- LEONARD: Sheldon.
It's an amazing coincidence.
Can we leave it at that? I'm sorry.
Oh, Penny, it's as if the Cheesecake Factory is run by witches.
Oh, Sheldon, it's as if you don't think I'll punch you.
Come on, you guys.
Let it go.
Fine, whatever.
Are you finished? Well, thank you.
How thoughtful.
Would you like a chocolate? Um, yeah, sure.
Thanks.
What was that? You said be nice to Penny.
I believe offering chocolate to someone falls within the definition of "nice.
" It does.
But in my experience, you don't.
There are more things in heaven and Earth, Horatio than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Yeah, now, that's you.
Obnoxious and insufferable.
What's going on, day dwellers? Oh, man, did the KISS Army repeal "Don't ask, don't tell"? No.
Raj and I are going to a goth club in Hollywood to hang with the night people.
Wanna come along? Oh, wow, you're actually going out like that? No, ha, ha.
No.
I'm going out like this.
Howard, what did you do? They're called tattoo sleeves.
Look.
Yeah, I bought them online.
Raj got a set too.
Fantastic, right? Put them on, have sex with some girl with her business pierced take them off, and I can still be buried in a Jewish cemetery.
You know, I've always wanted to go to a goth nightclub.
-Really? -Buzzinga.
None of you ever see my practical jokes coming, do you? Okay, how about you two? Look, I got some extra tat sleeves.
Why are you carrying extras? In case I snag one on someone's nipple ring.
Yeah, I think we'll pass.
Oh, is the missus speaking for the couple now? In this case, you bet she is.
Ahh.
Yes, she's pushy and, yes, he's whipped, but that's not the expression.
Come on, I wanna stop at Walgreens and pick up some more eyeliner.
They're gonna get beaten up at that club.
They're gonna get beaten up at Walgreens.
Oh, sorry, Sheldon.
I almost sat in your spot.
Did you? I didn't notice.
Have a chocolate.
Thank you.
[INDUSTRIAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
I think we're fitting in quite nicely.
It'd help if you weren't drinking light beer.
Well, what's so gothic about vodka and cranberry juice? Hello? It looks like blood.
Did you even read the wikiHow link I sent you on being goth? No, I'm behind on my wiki reading.
I'm kind of on a John Grisham kick right now.
-What? -I finished reading The Pelican Brief and loved it so much, I dived right into The Client.
He was a lawyer himself, so his novels are accurate as well as entertaining.
Just remember, we are lost boys.
Children of the night.
Great.
Lost boys, children of the night.
Got it.
Can you pass the Chex Mix, please? [HOWARD SIGHS.]
Thank you.
We are lost boys.
Good for you.
I'm actually much more lost than he is.
Nice ink.
Thanks.
Can we buy you ladies a drink? Two light beers.
Light beers.
Well, wikiHow about that? What's your names? -I'm Howard.
-Raj.
-I'm Bethany.
-Nice to meet you, Bethany.
Yes, very nice.
Nice to meet you too.
I'm Sarah.
Not that anyone cares.
Do either of you ladies enjoy the novels of John Grisham? [MAN SPEAKING IN JAPANESE ON TV.]
What's this cartoon called again? Oshikuru: Demon Samurai.
And it's not a cartoon, it's anime.
Anime.
You know, I knew a girl in high school named Anna May.
Anna May Fletcher.
She was born with one nostril.
Then she had this bad nose job and basically wound up with three.
[CHUCKLING.]
You're here a lot now.
Oh, am I talking too much? I'm sorry.
Zip.
-Thank you.
PENNY: Mm-hm.
Chocolate? Yes, please.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
-Oh.
Hey, Kim.
-Ahh.
Yeah, I-- You know what? Hold on.
Let me take this in the hall.
[MOUTHS.]
Chocolate? [MOUTHS.]
Thank you.
PENNY: You'll never guess who they got to replace you at work.
Okay.
I know what you're doing.
Really? Yes.
You're using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behavior.
Very good.
-Chocolate? -No, I don't want any chocolate.
Sheldon, you can't train my girlfriend like a lab rat.
Actually, it turns out I can.
Well, you shouldn't.
Oh, ugh.
There's just no pleasing you, is there? You weren't happy with my approach with her so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques building on the works of Thorndike and B.
F.
Skinner.
Next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool balancing a beach ball on her nose.
No, this has to stop now.
I'm not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool.
I thought the "buzzinga" was implied.
I'm just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges, if you will.
No, you're not sanding Penny.
Are you saying that I am forbidden from applying a harmless scientifically valid protocol that will make our lives better? Yes, you're forbidden.
Bad Leonard.
So, what do you guys do? Oh, you know, goth stuff.
Goth magazines, goth music.
Goth food.
What's goth food? Uh.
Blackened salmon? No, I meant, what do you do for jobs? -Oh, we're scientists.
-Yeah, you know, the dark sciences.
What are the dark sciences? Well, I am an astrophysicist, and a lot of that takes place at night.
When there are vampires and miscellaneous undead out and about.
[MUTTERS IN YIDDISH.]
That sounds really cool.
Does it? Well, okay, if you like space stuff I designed components for the space station.
Which is in space.
Where, as I'm sure you know, no one can hear you scream.
So, what do you gals do? I work at the Gap.
Really? How about that? I've been to the Gap.
I've been there as well.
I like your T-shirts with the little pocket.
I work there too.
Not that anyone cares.
You know, this place is boring.
Yeah.
Why don't we go somewhere else and have some fun? -[GIGGLING.]
Okay.
-Sure.
We like fun.
We are fun people.
Uh, dark and fun.
Come on.
I know a place you'll really dig.
[HOWARD GASPS.]
-Did you bring the black condoms? -In my fanny pack.
Let's go.
[NEEDLE BUZZING.]
Are you happy now? Not particularly.
[PENNY GIGGLING OUTSIDE.]
PENNY: Oh, my God, she didn't.
What could she possibly be talking about for so long? Obviously, waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory is a complex socio-economic activity that requires a great deal of analysis and planning.
Buzzinga.
You know, using positive reinforcement techniques I could train that behavior out of her in a week.
-No.
-If you let me use negative reinforcement I can get it done before we go to bed.
You're not squirting her in the face with water.
No, of course not.
We're talking very mild electric shocks.
No tissue damage whatsoever.
-Forget it.
-Oh, come on.
You can't tell me that you're not intrigued about the possibility of building a better girlfriend.
I'm not.
Penny's qualities, both good and bad, are what make her who she is.
[PENNY GIGGLING.]
You mean like that high-pitched irritating laugh? Yes.
You wouldn't prefer a throaty chuckle? You're not changing how Penny laughs.
No, that would be incongruous.
I was going to lower the whole voice to a more pleasing register.
Ugh, sorry, guys.
[IN HIGH, SINGSONGY VOICE.]
That girl is freaky.
[LEONARD CHUCKLES.]
-Come again? -[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Freaky.
-[IN DEEP VOICE.]
Freaky? -[IN DEEP VOICE.]
Yeah, freaky.
Have a chocolate.
Thank you.
Are you seriously going to deface your body just on the possibility you could have cheap sex with a girl you met in a bar? Uh, yeah.
What is your mother going to say? She's not gonna see it.
She takes my temperature orally now.
What are you gonna get? Well, I can't really decide between a screaming devil this mean little skull, or Kermit the Frog.
-Kermit the Frog? -You know: [MIMICS KERMIT THE FROG.]
"Heigh-ho, I'm on Howard's butt.
" [HOWARD CHUCKLES.]
Get the mean little skull, and I'll see if I can make him smile.
Yeah, I'd like the mean little skull, please.
What are you gonna get, Raj? With my luck, hepatitis.
Okay, here we go.
Ow, ow, ow.
That's just rubbing alcohol.
I know, but it was cold.
Ow, ow, ow.
I'm putting on the stencil.
-What comes after the stencil? -This: [NEEDLE BUZZING.]
[SCREAMS.]
Aah! Okay, that's it.
No needle.
No pain.
No tattoo.
What's the big deal? You've done this before.
No, I haven't.
Look.
-I'm sorry.
I'm a fraud.
He's a fraud.
-We're both frauds.
-Yeah, I think I covered that.
-Well, I was summing up.
We're not goth.
We're just guys.
Very, very smart guys.
So you were totally scamming us? Yes.
And I wouldn't blame you if you walked out of here and never wanted to see us again.
Unless, of course, our bold honesty has suddenly made us attractive.
Huh? Huh? Anything? I'm leaving.
I'm leaving too.
Not that anyone cares.
When we tell this story, let's end it differently.
What are you thinking, maybe a big musical number? Well, I'm going to make some warm milk and then turn in.
I trust if you two are planning on engaging in amorous activities you'll keep the decibel level to a minimum.
Of course.
Thank you.
Mm.
These are so good.
Mm.
Unbelievable.
-What? -I was just thinking we should probably turn in too.
Well, my new bed got delivered.
If you put it together, you can stay at my place.
Really? That's a lot of work, and it's late.
Yeah, but we won't have to be quiet.
Let's go.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Interesting.
Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behavior.
I wonder if anyone else has stumbled onto that.
Okay, wait, how about this? We say there were four goth girls.
The two girls in the club had two friends.
I like it, I like it.
Did they smell good despite their goth-like nature? -What's that gotta do with the story? -Engaging my olfactory sense -helps make it real for me.
-Fine, they smelled good.
Oh, they did.
Like jasmine and honeysuckle.
-Whatever.
-And they held hands and did a sexy demonic hokey-pokey for us.
No.
Let me say my story all the way, and then you can say yours -then we'll pick.
-I'm sorry.
Go on.
We got tattoos, and then the four girls took us to their place.
We don't have tattoos.
What if someone asks to see our tattoos? We say they're in a very intimate area.
Oh, we are bad boys, aren't we? -Right.
Right.
-Yeah.
Ha, ha.
So we go back to their place, and then the six of us end up in a hot tub.
But we just got tattoos.
Wouldn't we be concerned about bacterial infection? True.
Okay, forget the hot tub.
The point is, we each had a ménage with sexy goth girls.
Wow.
What a great night.
Yeah.
Hey, wanna try a country bar tomorrow night? Yeah, maybe we'll get lucky with sexy cowgirls.
-Could happen.
-Ha, ha.
I wonder how they smell.