Cheers s03e03 Episode Script

I CALL YOUR NAME What can I say? I just remembered, this isn't my night off.
We'll have to cut this lovely evening short.
- I wish you'd told me sooner.
- I did, over dinner.
You didn't hear me over the oompah-pah band and the noise of you chewing bratwurst.
I've been looking forward to this for a long time.
- RV show tickets aren't easy to get.
- Please, Eddie.
I'm torn up enough.
Coach - You like RVs, mobile homes? - I don't know much about them.
- Like to learn? - I was meaning to.
Coach, meet Eddie.
Eddie.
Coach.
He's got tickets to the RV show tonight.
How's that sound? - Terrific.
- I'll cover for you.
Hot dog! Some luck! - I guess I won't get a good night kiss.
- You might if you're nice to him.
I can't wait.
Do they let you walk through those things? - Yeah, if you take your shoes off.
- OK.
Not now.
- Jerk.
- Yeah? For once it's not you.
Mr Fancy Bottom feels his martini isn't dry enough.
Well, do you want me to kill him for you, Diane? It's too good for him.
Come on, lighten up.
This is a bar.
People come here to have a good time.
- Yeah, don't you just hate them for it? - What's wrong? I'm having a bad day.
Can I have a bad day? You've given us plenty.
Keep one for yourself.
I hope it's to your satisfaction.
We aspire to make every customer a happy customer.
It's still not dry enough.
Drink it! Say, excuse me, folks.
She gets a little upset still, ever since I dumped her.
Let me do this.
Coach! The driest martini in town, on the house.
- Right.
- Please, forgive her.
She's a firebrand.
I spend half my day apologising to nice customers like you.
- Carla, I'm in no mood.
- We're talking about someone else.
One vodka rocks.
- Is there anything I can do? - No.
This problem is between myself and Frasier Crane.
Suffice to say he insists on making mountains out of molehills.
He wants you to wear a padded bra? Go mate with a squid.
Please forgive her again.
She spent time in an institution recently.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Hey, Cliffie.
Can you believe those Sox? I miss those carefree halcyon days when my only concern was baseball.
Cliffie, got something on your mind? I saw a fellow postal employee remove a fragrance sample from a magazine.
- So? - It's against employee regulations.
It's a smudge on every mail carrier who ever donned this uniform.
- So? - So? On one hand, I don't want to be a snitch.
But, on the other, I can't endorse anarchy.
- What should I do? - Compromise, have a beer.
I see I should look elsewhere for help on this.
- Diane, I've got a little problem here.
- Who doesn't? Valid, valid.
Well, I guess my choice is clear.
I must follow my conscience and report this.
Come on, man.
It's a fragrance sample.
Let it go.
Let it go? I let this go and tomorrow Hitler is in the White House.
I can do without that.
Sure, it's only a perfume sample, but if he gets away with it, the others will start taking things, too.
First, whole magazines go missing.
Then social security cheques.
Before long, Grandma's fruitcake doesn't make it to little Bobby, Peggy and Sue.
Their little hearts will break, thinking Grandma forgot them this year.
What are those little green things in a fruitcake, Cliff? They look like parts of tyres.
- You're getting a little off the point.
- You brought it up, Cliffie.
Who is this menace to society? Do you remember Lewis, that fella I brought in here? - Enormous black gentleman? - That's the one.
Cliff! Come on, I'd think twice before crossing Lewis.
It could be dangerous.
He's not the kind of guy who drinks tea with his pinkie sticking out.
Please, Sam, there are ladies present.
- I'm sorry, Coach.
- Thank you.
I guess the bottom line is that it'd be snitching.
- I like to think I'm a little above that.
- Absolutely.
What's that? You announcing the birth of yet another child? - Or are you implying something? - You'd rat on a little guy.
- Yeah? I'm going to rat on this guy, too.
- Don't let Carla goad you into this.
Sammy, as long as I wear this uniform, I have a duty to fulfil.
I'll speak my truth and take the consequences.
- Supervisor, please.
- Come on, Cliff.
I don't care about the risk.
The voice of Clifford Clavin is going to be heard.
Hello, hang on to your yockstrap.
I have a terrible thing to report.
- Good night.
- Night, Cliffie.
Cliff.
You want to spend the night in my office? - You still think I'm afraid, don't you? - Yumpin' yimminy, no.
That Swedish accent was just for the amusement of the bar.
I don't care if Lewis finds out it was me.
In fact, if I ever see the guy again, I'll tell him it was me and clear the air.
You're the man I'm looking for.
- I've been fired! - I'm sorry! God, I'm terribly sorry.
You're taking this worse than I am.
I just want to find out who did it.
- Did what? - Someone called the supervisor and squealed on me for taking a perfume sample out of a magazine.
He fired you for that? What kind of a chicken outfit do we work for? You smell divine.
What are you wearing? Giorgio for Men.
Who could blame you? It's perfect for you.
- Sorry I can't help you out.
- You can.
Know how you stick your nose in people's business at the post office? You're nosy! - I want to know who did it by tomorrow.
- OK, pal.
Be here at 7:00 and don't be late.
Be here at 7:00 and don't be late cos I'll have that information.
I know you will.
Lewis? Thanks for thinking of me.
- Tomorrow I die.
- Come on, now.
The guy is going to beat the living hell out of me.
No use saying I don't deserve it.
- Nobody did.
- Thanks, Carla.
- Coach, let's go home.
- Yeah.
Can I play my French language tapes on the way home? No.
We hear them every night.
I'm sick of it.
- They're not doing any good.
- They are.
Say "How are you today?" in French.
How are you today? In French.
- I rest my case.
- I rest my case.
- Knock it off.
- Knock it off.
- Frasier.
- Hi, Sam.
Diane left about 15 minutes ago.
Darn.
Guess I'll go to her house to shoot the breeze.
Diane is more like a monsoon.
Yes, her breeze is like a monsoon.
Good night.
- Want to come in and have a beer? - I wouldn't want to impose.
OK, good night.
This is fun.
I've got time for bar room chatter.
Might do the old boy good.
Maybe.
Well, I'll have a tankard of your finest lager.
I understand the local Boston Red Sox baseball franchise has a Herculean task to qualify for the post-season tournament.
Yeah, they really stink this year.
Stink? Interesting theory.
While we're on the subject of Boston and the world and all of its people, I have this patient.
Let's call him Give him any old name.
Thor.
For the first time in my career, I can't solve this problem.
But it occurs to me that you might.
You want my opinion on one of your patients? Believe it or not, psychiatrists value input from outside the profession.
I'd like the benefit of your experience.
You know women.
I mean, your sexual exploits could be thought of as a majestic panoramic mural.
- And Thor's? - A silly little doodle.
All right.
What the hell? What's his problem? Thor's girlfriend, let's call her Electra cried out another man's name during the act of love.
- Oh, Thor.
Ouch.
- Precisely.
So, Sam, tell me.
You've been with a lot of women.
When you were with one of them, did she ever call out another man's name? I don't think so, but then who listens? Usually I've got the stereo turned up and other things on my mind.
Tell me, whose name did Electra call out? - An old boyfriend's.
- Double ouch.
Although they've decided it means nothing, which it doesn't, Thor doesn't seem to be able to get over it.
So if Thor came to you, what would you tell him? The truth, that it happens all the time.
- Really? - It happens to all guys.
In fact, I just remembered it's happened to me before, lots of times.
I turned the stereo up because of that.
Really? Well, thank you, Sam.
I'll pass that along to - Thor.
- Right.
It's getting late.
Thanks for the cold one, Sam.
The beer, I mean, not Diane.
Two sips of liquor and I'm a jack-a-ninny.
- Lewis will be here any minute.
- What's your plan? Plan? I have no plan.
Unless honesty and straightforwardness are a plan.
No, I meant your medical plan.
Your humour's falling on deaf ears.
Good, you won't miss them when Lewis rips them off your head.
Sam.
Sam? Barkeep.
I'm sorry, Diane.
Do you want me? Actually, I want two Becks.
Guess I didn't hear you calling out my name.
Is something amusing you that I don't know about? No, why do you ask? That stupid look on your face.
Do I need a reason to look stupid? You have the best reason of all.
OK, Clavin, you know why I'm here.
- Who is it? - Lewis I've written a man's name on a piece of paper in this envelope.
- Good.
- Before you look at it, let me tell you something about him.
Is this "The Dating Game"? The man whose name is in this envelope bears no animosity towards you or any living thing.
He's a man who loves his country.
He did it out of a sense of duty towards America, God and all that we cherish.
One other thing.
The man who did this is terribly sorry.
Please forgive him.
OK.
I've got another job anyway.
If I saw that name, I'd get so angry I might do something stupid.
Go on.
Open it.
I can't tell you how proud I am to see you overcome your need for vengeance.
Tell that fellow he's real lucky he's still in one piece.
He knows it, Lewis.
You'd better.
You really showed me something there.
That was more than just stupidity.
There was a trace of bravery in there.
- Way to go, Cliff.
- Thanks.
All right, who's Juan Torrez? - There must be some mistake.
- No.
There's a map to his house.
I knew he wasn't going to look in that thing.
Besides, he knows it was me.
So what's the big deal? He'd never hit Juan.
He's in a body cast.
He fell out of a window.
- What? - What what? Don't be coy.
It doesn't go with the sloping forehead.
Did I tell you your boyfriend stopped by? - What's his name? - You know very well it's Frasier.
Frasier, right! That's an easy name to forget.
- How are you two doing? - Fine.
- Is there something on your mind? - No, why do you ask? If there's a spot on an empty canvas, it tends to stand out.
No, if I had something to say, I'd say it.
I'd even yell it out.
Passionately.
What did you and Frasier talk about? Let's drop this whole thing.
It's going nowhere.
We both have more important work to get back to.
I know I'm running a little behind.
You're smug.
You think you have something on me.
- I emphasise 'think'.
- I'm not thinking.
No, but this is as close as you get.
Come on.
Why don't you stop this silly little game and admit you're still crazy about me? You're the one who always brings it up.
If anybody's crazy about anybody, you're crazy about me.
I'm not saying "Sam" when I'm in bed with Frasier.
I'll kill him! I'll kill you! - Then I'll kill myself.
- You're overreacting.
There's no need to kill me.
- Hello.
- Hello, your buttocks! Get in here! - You seem agitated.
- I don't know who I hate the most.
That's not bad.
Only two months and you're tied with me.
- How could you tell him? - I didn't.
He must have deduced it.
Oh, please.
Come on, I'm good at deducement.
- How could you betray my confidence? - You didn't say no telling.
I see.
Obviously I made the mistake of treating you as an adult.
- Why tell him anything to begin with? - I was hoping for some insight.
Insight! From a man whose idea of intellectual stimulation is to count along with Big Bird? In his arrogance, he thought that when I called out "Sam", I was referring to him.
- And you weren't? - No! It was a different Sam entirely.
It was Sam Goldwyn.
His movies always gave me great pleasure.
Diane, Sam, please.
Let's not go on this way.
Now it's out in the open, let's face it and admit the truth.
- What are you talking about? - There's still a spark between you two.
It's best that I step aside and allow it to either ignite or extinguish itself.
Frasier, look into my eyes.
You are the man in my life.
There is no longer anything between Sam and I.
You'll see the same thing in his eyes.
Can't I just tell him? Do it, Sam.
There's nothing going on between us.
It's all over between me and Diane.
- I believe you.
- Frasier, thank God! - How could you have doubted me? - I don't know.
I really haven't been myself these last few days.
What do you say we take a weekend off and go someplace together? Yes, let's.
I'd better go.
I'm late for my marital relations group.
And, thanks.
I'd like to apologise to you both for flying off the handle.
It just shows that even psychiatrists get the blues.
Diane, see you later.
- Sam.
- Yeah? - Go Red Sox.
- Ra! What actors we are, Sam.
- I'm amazed we could pull that off.
- Pull what off? Fooling a man so versed in human behaviour.
There is a spark, isn't there, Sam? Well Gee I don't think it would take much encouragement to turn it into an inferno.
Maybe you're right.
Sam, let's stop stopping ourselves.
Let's let it happen.
Happen.
Happen, yeah.
- Oh, Diane - Frasier! Oh, yeah? Well, ha ha! English