Family Guy s03e03 Episode Script

"It seems today that all you see "Is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those|good old-fashioned values "On which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who positively|can do all the things that make us "Laugh and cry "He's a family guy That's funny.
I don't remember|buying Stewie these toys.
(gasps) My God.
It all makes sense now.
My baby is some kind of diabolical genius|bent on world domination! Bravo, Lois.
The last horse|finally crosses the finish line.
All these months I should've been paying|attention to what you've been saying.
You're an evil child.
Why? Why did I have to go and smoke pot|when I was pregnant with you? Cheer up.
Be proud.
You've given birth|to the future emperor of the world.
Pity you won't be around|to enjoy it.
Cheerio.
Aaagh! - Lois! Lois!|- Huh? Hm? - What's the matter?|- I just had the strangest dream.
Something about Stewie|and Cheerios It's gone.
Come on, get up.
|It's opening day for the Sox.
Hey, Chris, Meg! We're going to Fenway! You can't pull the kids out of school|for a baseball game.
Nothing they learn in school|they can't learn on the street.
- It's 3 o'clock.
Where the hell is Louie?|- You tell me.
Louie left his house at 2.
15|and has to travel a distance of 6.
2 miles at a rate of five miles per hour.
|What time will Louie arrive? - Depends if he stops to see his ho.
|- That's called a variable.
- Look what I made for the game.
|- What's that mean anyway? - "And the Lord said 'Go, Sox.
"'|- Dad, don't you have to work today? It's nothing a little phone call|can't take care of.
- Hello?|- Mr Weed? I can't come to work today.
I was in a terrible plane crash.
My entire|family was killed and I am a vegetable.
I'll see you tomorrow.
|Huh? Huh? Please, Peter.
Your excuses|are lamer than FDR's legs.
(all gasp) Too soon? (cheering) - Here it comes, Jeremy!|- I got it! I got it! Yes! Yeah! Whoo! All right!|I'm the man! Yeah! Hold on to this.
It'll be a souvenir of your|first Major League game with your Dad.
My God! I shall cherish this for ever.
I'll trade you this baseball|for your souvenir bat.
- Sure.
|- What did you learn? We haven't done anything together like this|since we saw Mike Tyson get beat.
All right, Mike.
|The word again is "onomatopoeia".
- Uh, C.
|- I'm sorry.
That's incorrect.
Oh, dang.
I'm so glad you talked us all|into playing hooky.
Me, too.
Maybe we can get on TV if we take|our shirts off and run onto the field.
- I'm not taking my shirt off.
|- There.
Now they're old news.
- Peter!|- Go, Sox! Go Aaargh! Hm.
- Peter?|- Oh Hi, Mr Weed.
- It seems you've made a full recovery.
|- Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
That plane crash I told you about,|it turned out to be gas.
Aha! Liar.
Tomorrow, my office, 9.
30.
I'm tired of Mr Weed treating me|like a common doormat.
I want him to treat me like a deluxe one|from Pottery Barn with the fancy straw.
I don't care for Pottery Barn.
If you want Mr Weed to respect you,|you're gonna have to earn it.
Earn it - (crying) Why have you forsaken me?|- Mr Weed? I heard you ran into my identical twin|brother at the ball game yesterday.
If you don't buy that,|sorry I was at the ball game.
Peter, I just received terrible news.
This company has been taken over|by a conglomerate.
After 23 years of faithful service,|I've been terminated! Wow.
The business world sure is funny.
What do you call it when a guy in middle|management moves to upper management? - I don't know.
What do you call it?|- A promotion.
Oh, thanks.
Here's a memo.
Sometimes the business world's funny.
And so on behalf of|the El Dorado Cigarette Company, I'd like to welcome you to our family.
I think you'll be very happy|with the changes we've made.
This is sweet! Why are you|putting a window in the factory? So Aunt Bee has a place|to let her pies cool.
Hello, boys.
Today's pie is cherry.
|It'll be ready just in time for lunch.
Wow.
These guys sure know|how to run a company.
Look how happy those morons are.
They'll never realise we're using toys|to get children addicted to our company's cigarettes.
(thunderclap) (whistles) Good boy, Connor.
- (cocks gun) Pull.
|- (dog squeals) (thunderclap) Can't we eat? I'm so hungry,|I could ride a horse.
I don't get it.
|I could ride it to the store, I guess.
I told you we're not starting without your|father.
Dinner just isn't dinner without him.
Perhaps I could help simulate the|experience.
Yum, yum, yum (grunting) Hey, family, anyone in the mood for lobster?|Ow! Oh, God! One of them has my pupil! Agh, agh, agh! Oh, God! Agh! Agh! Ah.
How can you afford lobster on your salary? - I got a raise.
|- What?! The new owners gave everyone raises.
Even Kenneth, the badass mail clerk|with the heart of gold.
- Hi, Kenneth.
Did I get any mail?|- No! If you come any closer, I'll slice ya! OK, OK.
Man, what a badass.
Yeah? That "badass" just gave|half his pay cheque to orphans.
Orphans with diseases.
And check out the new toys we're making.
Baby Smokes-A-Lot? (giggles) Tastes like happy.
Cool! That's imitatable.
What the hell? "El Dorado Cigarettes"?|That's who bought your company? Oh, my God!|They're trying to corrupt our children! Those bastards turned a whole generation|of Americans into smokers with subliminal advertising.
- Timmy, where's Lassie?|- She's out in the orchard, Ma.
Peaches are coming|in mighty early this year.
Smoke.
You know what they say:|"Early peaches, long summer".
Smoke.
- (barks)|- What's that, Lassie? Are ya smoking yet? If kids see this doll,|they're gonna think smoking's OK.
You have to talk to these|new bosses in the morning.
Don't worry, Lois.
I'll set 'em straight.
|Just like I did with Chris.
- Dad, what's the blowhole for?|- I'll tell you what it's not for, son.
And when I do, you'll understand|why I can never go back to SeaWorld.
We need to talk.
My wife says|you're trying to get kids to smoke.
- That's just not true.
|- What about this toy? It's just a doll with a cigarette.
Barbie has a Dream Car, but you don't see|eight-year-old kids driving.
They're fun toys.
- Smoke.
|- Not now, Jerry.
Trust me.
The last thing we want|is to get kids to start smoking.
What about that graph on the wall that says "The first thing we want|is to get kids to start smoking.
" That's just something|my son made me in art class.
Huh.
Then what about that poster that says "The graph was not made in art class.
|We really do want kids to start smoking.
" We're a caring company.
I mean, would you really be the president|of a company that didn't care about kids? - No.
But I'm not the president.
|- Yes, you are if you want to be.
(all) Ah.
Oh, wow.
Imagine me, president.
I'll do it! (hums "Hail to the Chief") - How did it go?|- I'm not finished yet.
(hums) - Aren't you gonna ask me how it went?|- Did you talk to the executives? - (hums)|- Peter, answer me! - I did.
They made me president.
|- Of the whole company? All right, Dad! You shoulda seen the way they treated me.
|I've never gotten that respect before.
- Great work-out, Bobby.
|- Up yours, sack-breath! That's Mr Griffin.
Peter, why would they make you president? Maybe it's because I can recite all|50 states in a quarter of a second.
(yelps) - That was just a loud yelping noise.
|- Jeez, Lois.
I thought you'd be proud of me.
The company finally thinks|I'm worth something.
Wait till you see all the perks we get.
Um hi.
Can I help you? Some company hired me to stand next|to you all day, so you'd look better.
- That's ridiculous.
|- Meg? Did you get less ugly? Yeah! - Surprise!|- Everything looks the same.
It looks the same.
But El Dorado Cigarettes coated the inside|of the house with a microfilm of Teflon, so it's easy to clean.
Oh.
Maybe I shouldn't have had 'em do the floors.
I'm Nudes on Ice! This is so exciting.
|Your father's first day as president.
Good morning, First Family.
- Lois, what's in this coffee?|- Isn't it wonderful? They sent Martha Stewart|to help me with the housework.
I take back all the bad things I said|about them.
The coffee is delicious, Martha.
A little chicory perks up the taste|of roasted coffee beans.
It's a good thing.
I think it's a crappy thing!|In fact, this is my last cigarette ever.
You make me sick being bought off|with a few lousy perks.
Oh, I beg to differ.
Oh, you don't need to park here, Mr Griffin.
|You have an executive parking space now.
That looks exactly like my old space.
This one comes|with your own company suck-up.
- Morning.
Nice day.
|- It's a little cloudy.
Absolutely.
One of the worst days|I've seen in years.
- Good news about the Yankees.
|- I hate them.
Pack of cheaters, they are.
I love your tie.
- I hate this tie.
|- It's awful, it's gaudy, it's gotta go.
- And I hate myself.
|- You make me sick, you fat sack of crap.
- I'm the president|- The best there is.
- But you just said you hated me.
|- But not you the president.
The you who said you hated you.
|You, who love, hate, Yankees, clouds I'll have that fixed for you, sir.
Here's your new digs.
Now get|to work, sport.
We're counting on you.
Wow.
My own office.
|I guess I'd better get busy.
(sighs) Agh! (unzips flies) - (pencil sharpener)|- (scream) Gentlemen, we have a problem.
There's an anti-smoking bill|that could put us out of business.
Yes.
Apparently, causing cancer|is this year's "hot button".
We've tried everything|to get through to these politicians.
Harvard lawyers, lobbyists,|wisecracking leprechauns.
Excuse me.
Do you have a dollar?|I'm a little short.
That's the problem.
|They're idiots in Washington.
Instead of a smart guy, we should|send a moron they can relate to.
(murmurs of agreement) Where are we going to find someone|who's that stupid? - Yeah.
And not just stupid.
Fat, too.
|- (man) That's exactly what we need.
Wait.
Didn't we just make|a fat, stupid guy president? You bet we did.
Gentlemen,|our new tobacco lobbyist is that guy! (" "That Guy") So what's this big assignment|you got for me, chairman of the broad? (laughs) "Chairman of the broad".
|When did you become such a stitch? Don't you remember? You gave me writers.
"I don't want to say you're rich,|but when you walk into a bank, all the tellers go 'Whoopee!"' That wasn't funny.
|I thought you were Jewish.
- He's only half-Jewish.
|- You're fired.
Here's the thing.
Some troublemakers|in Congress are trying to shut us down.
We need someone important like you|to go down to Washington and help those bastards see|what fun-loving people the tobacco industry's made of.
Washington? Sweet.
But I gotta warn you,|I've made some enemies on the Hill.
And that's when Clarence Thomas|forced me into his chambers and showed me lewd pictures.
We have indisputable evidence|that not only have you never been in the same room as Clarence Thomas,|you've never been in the same state.
How do you respond to that? Bababooie! Bababooie!|Howard Stern's penis! Bababooie! How long is Dad gonna be in Washington? As long as it takes.
|He's a very important man now.
He's the spokesman for his entire industry.
Thank you, Martha.
|Brian, could you pass me the TV guide? - Piss off!|- What? I'm sorry.
It just feels like for ever|since I've had a smoke.
I'm just a bit testy.
Stop staring at my tail! Mr Harrison? I see those government guys|you were telling me about.
I'll show 'em a good time|and get 'em to come around to our side.
Excuse me.
Al Gore? George W Bush? - Yes?|- Yes? Great.
And what's your friend's name? Dick Armey.
- Oh, God.
No, seriously.
What's his name?|- Dick Armey.
(chuckling) Oh.
Oh, I just got it.
Hey.
Hey, Armey.
Hey, what's your|wife's name? Vagina Coastguard? I'm kidding.
Get in the car.
|We're going to a skin bar.
- OK.
|- Great.
That sounds good.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
|Oh, my God.
I don't know what happened.
Oh, it's OK.
It's OK, Senator.
|This girl didn't have a family.
It'll be like she never existed.
|Grab ahold of yourself.
You may have killed her when you shoved|all those dollar bills down her throat.
You may have killed her when you hit her|with the stool.
I'm not a doctor.
But I'll tell you what didn't|kill her Smoking.
You have our support.
Look, kids.
Here's your father|in People magazine with Jim Carrey, and they're both "Sssmokin'!" (laughs) I loved that in Mask.
"Sssmokin'!" (laughs) "Sssmokin'!" "Sssmokin'!" Do I have to listen|to this drivel 24 hours a day?! But, hey, I guess anything's better|than looking at your smelly face! - Mom!|- Honey, your face smells fine.
He doesn't mean it.
It's the lack of nicotine.
Mom, the school janitor said|that Dad's working for the bad guys.
- He said it through a hole in his throat.
|- That doesn't make him right.
If I had a hole in my throat,|I'd put pennies in it! Your father's doing great work.
|Life's never been better.
Yes.
I, too, applaud the oaf|for finally showing initiative.
God knows it was years overdue.
- (gasps)|- You know who I saw at the market today? Patty Croft.
Oh, and she has gotten fat! Oh, my God! Stewie, no!|Oh, God.
What have I done? I knew smoking was bad.
|But I still sold my soul.
And for what? Martha Stewart? Come on, kids.
|We gotta put a stop to this.
Now! (sighs) Finally.
(farts) Ah.
"They call me Bill "Yes, they call me Bill "And I'm standing here on Capitol Aoow! Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry.
|Bob Dole likes your style.
Bob Dole.
Bob Dole.
Bob Dole.
Bob Dole.
Bob Dole.
Bob Dole.
Bob Dole.
Bob Dole.
There you are.
I caught Stewie smoking.
|That cigarette company is evil.
- We can't be a part of this any more.
|- This is the best job I ever had! Since I became president, profits|have been higher than Alyssa Milano.
- What kind of cheap shot Joel!|- I'm suing.
I'm suing.
I'm on it.
I'm on it.
- Mr Griffin, time for your speech.
|- What about your son? So Stewie had a puff.
|He's old enough to make his own decisions.
For God's sakes, Lois, he's one.
|Cut the umbilical cord.
(applause) Ladies and gentlemen of Congress, I am|here today to talk to you about smoking.
Oh, please, Peter, do the right thing.
I know a lot of you are already on my side.
And for you naysayers,|I have two strong words for you Come on! Come on! - OK.
OK, sure.
|- All right.
Why not? - Thank you, ladies and|- (coughing) (Peter) and Baby needs to suck ash!|Baby needs to suck ash! Not "ass", you pervert.
|Save it for the interns.
- Is that a baby?|- (coughs) Oh, my God.
That's Stewie.
Lois was right.
|Children under four shouldn't smoke.
I don't care about this job any more.
|Cigarettes are bad! Mr Griffin is right!|Smoking is a horrible vice! It shortens life expectancy|and pollutes our air.
According to recent polls, air is good.
Cigarettes killed my father|and raped my mother! I propose we send a message|to tobacco companies by fining the El Dorado Cigarette Company|infinity billion dollars! That's the spirit, Frank.
But I think|a real number might be more effective.
All in favour of fining this evil tobacco|giant $100 million dollars say "Aye".
- (all) Aye!|- But that'll bankrupt us! You mean the way you've|morally bankrupted America? Thanks for that zinger.
|Give me a snappy line to go out on.
Actually, our lunch is here.
Uh Well, that's my mama! (laughs) Hi, I'm Peter Griffin.
|We've had a lot of laughs tonight.
But I'll tell you what's not funny.
|Killing strippers.
Strippers are people, too.
Naked people who may be willing|to pleasure you for a price you negotiate.
Besides, there's no need to kill 'em.
|Most of them are already dead inside.
Good night, everyone.