Mike & Molly s03e03 Episode Script

Oh, my God.
.
.
Mouth open and eyes closed.
Oh.
Here's one with everything open: Mouth, eyes and fly.
Our entire wedding, it looks like he should be hanging from the end of a fish hook.
Well, it is pretty lifelike.
I mean, he does have his mouth open and his eyes closed most of the time, so Sometimes I like to toss popcorn into that gaping hole.
Like littering in the Grand Canyon.
Oh, he's smiling in this one! Maybe I can Photoshop my head onto the woman serving him garlic mashed potatoes.
Good idea.
Certainly looks like he's in love with her.
Hey, what are you guys doing? I'm looking at wedding picture Where did you get that cake? Found it.
Is that our wedding cake from the freezer? Maybe.
Mike, we're supposed to save that to eat on our first anniversary.
Oh, is that why you had it barricaded behind those ice trays and that bag of peas? 'Cause I almost didn't find it.
Put it back! It's just a little sliver, and I only got one piece at the wedding! Really? Is that the story you're sticking to? Maybe.
Okay.
Oh, the first piece was consumed while the entreat was being brought out.
No.
The second was hiding behind the drummer while the band played "Hokey Pokey.
" Oh! Who's that sneaking Carl's piece while he gives his touching best-man toast? Well, that speech went on forever.
What'd you want me to do, starve to death? Mike! Fine! I didn't trust that photographer the minute I met him.
Hey, didn't stop you from eating his cake! For the first time in my life I see love.
I mean, who saves cake for a year? Certainly nobody that lives with you.
You're like one of those drug-sniffing dogs.
Except with donut holes and Ding Dongs.
You could smell a candy wrapper and find a little kid in a well.
Apparently, if you eat the cake a year later, it's supposed to bring you luck.
Well, if eating cake brought somebody luck, you should have a pot o' gold instead of a pot o' belly.
I only had a couple of bites, and now I'm back on my diet.
All right, well, stay on it, because if things go as planned, you're gonna need to squeeze into another tuxedo.
Carl, I've told you before, I am not joining your O'Jays tribute band.
This ain't about "Love Train.
" This is about you being the best man at my wedding.
Your wedding? I thought Christina told you she wanted to take it slow.
She does.
But she also said wearing tube socks in bed wasn't sexy, and she's starting to change her tune on that one.
I see what you're doing.
You're speeding things up so she doesn't have time to think about how much better she could do.
Exactly.
When it comes to women, "thinkin' time" has never worked in my favor.
Thank you for editing our wedding video for us.
My pleasure.
I'm actually kind of a film buff.
Major influences, other than Bergman, of course Right, right.
Why don't you just show me what you got? Oh.
Now, bear in mind, this is just a rough edit.
Oh In a church in a neighborhood far, far away, two stars collide in an orbit filled with friends and family.
Did you narrate the whole thing? God, no.
Voice-over is a crutch.
I just added it to cover some of the slow spots.
there are a lot of slow spots.
"Slow spots"? The day practically flew by.
That wasn't the scuttlebutt in my pew.
Uh, by the way, Mike's vows were a little muffled, so I had to loop his dialogue.
What do you mean, loop it? Molly Flynn Oh, God.
I love you, and every moment of my life has meaning because I do.
I think my reading was a little more heartfelt.
Just skip ahead to the reception.
All right.
Sound quality's good.
Nicely paced.
Wait, what are all the shots of my sister's cleavage? What can I say? The camera just loves her.
No, you just love her! Did you happen to get any footage of her face? You can actually catch a little reflection in her wine glass.
Very Citizen Kane.
You know, with the snow globe.
Yeah, except your snow globes have nipples.
I have people coming to my house tonight to see this and it's nowhere near done! So call your mother and tell her you won't be home for dinner.
It's goulash night! Sit! You're not leaving until you've captured the magic that was my wedding.
And how about a shot or two of the bride, huh? I mean, this is your money right here, comprende? Comprende.
What am I gonna do when your class gets back from recess? Tell them you're a big, dumb kid that was held back for 20 years.
They'll believe it.
It was nice of you to bring lunch to Christina.
Very thoughtful.
Well, it's little gestures like this that score big points with a woman.
Nothing says L-U-V like a B-L-T.
That's how you won my heart.
Hey, that guy looks familiar.
Excuse me.
Did you used to play football for the U of I? A long time ago.
James Turner.
James Turner! Best hands in the Big Ten! Hey, I was heartbroken when you blew your knee out.
Yeah, that wasn't a good day for me either.
I saw him play against Michigan.
He made a one-handed catch in the back of the end zone, still gives me chills.
James Turner? Yeah, I heard of him.
So, uh, what are you up to? Sportscaster? Astronaut? If it's astronaut, I got to admit, I don't really follow that.
Actually, I'm a lawyer now.
Course you are.
Guy like you could do anything.
He's not like you and me, Carl.
God gave this man two scoops.
Uh, Carl, what are you doing here? Just dropping off a yummy lunch for my honeybunch.
Actually, uh, I'm going out to lunch with James.
My ex-husband.
Oh.
This is your James.
That's where I heard that name before.
What's happenin', man? Oh, my God, you divorced James Turner? How high is your bar, lady? He came in town last minute.
We're gonna go have lunch and talk about James Junior.
Right.
James Junior.
That's a good kid.
Likes to sit on my back while I'm doing pushups.
I hate to ask, but, uh, could I get a picture? Yeah, of course.
Don't take it from a low angle.
I'm feeling a little jowly today.
I retain water.
You retain ham.
Just take the picture.
All right, there's your picture.
We got to get back on the streets.
When we put on a uniform, we're not playing games.
We're saving lives.
So you're in town for a couple of days? Do you bowl? Mike! I got to go.
That's my ride.
Okay.
I'll probably end up sharing it with a homeless guy.
You know, a lot of times when you meet those superstar athletes, they can be a little stuck up.
Not James Turner.
Class act! He's kind of full of himself, if you ask me.
Why wouldn't he be? Smart, handsome, and did you see his body? I'm not gay, but that's one guy who could flip me.
I hope he has a big-ass spatula.
Hey, do you think it's a little odd she didn't mention he was in town or that she was having lunch with him? Well, she said it was a last-minute thing.
Plus, when you're having lunch with Superman, you're not gonna rub it in Jughead's face.
Hey, that guy ain't no big deal! Yeah, he played some college football, got a little law degree.
Whoop-de-doo! Spoken like somebody who never saw him play.
I'm telling you, that man had angel wings on that broad, muscly back.
Again, not gay, but I see how a guy could get there.
Whoa, that is a great picture.
And James is not just handsome and athletic, he's smart and charming and very personable.
That is a rare combination.
Trust me, there's only a few of us out there.
Yeah, but he's a lawyer, and you know what those guys are like.
You mean rich? Look at that suit.
I'm guessing it cost more than your car.
And I don't know what kind of cologne he was wearing, but it was intoxicating.
Musky, but not overbearing.
All right, Harry's parking, so everybody get your meat in the seats.
It's showtime.
Where's Christina? I don't know where she is or what she's doing.
Honestly, I don't even know that woman anymore.
So, what I'm hearing is we can start without her.
Where have you been? Sorry, but time really flies when you're destroying a masterpiece.
Just start the DVD.
Mom, Victoria, show time! You know, if I'm gonna sit through this wedding again, I'm gonna need a couple pops of hooch.
Way ahead of you.
Tequila shooters for everybody.
We can make a drinking game out of it.
Like every time we see Mike having a piece of cake, we all do a shot.
We are gonna get so hammered.
All right, welcome, all, to the world premiere of Mike and Molly's Wedding.
Um Everyone please put your cell phones to vibrate, keep your chitchat to a minimum, and just prepare to relive the magic.
Press "play," Harry.
Their best scenes were cut, but if you'd like a private showing, that could be arranged.
Would you mind sitting somewhere else? Closer or further away? Shh! Oh.
Christina sends her best, but apparently, she can't make it.
Oh! Mike's eating cake.
How did you get cake before the ceremony? It wasn't cake; it was a cinnamon roll.
You were late, and my blood sugar was plummeting.
How could that be? Your blood is nothing but sugar.
She doesn't say why, she just says she can't make it.
All right, he's chewing something.
I missed it.
Was that cake? Looks like either a Chicklet or a Rolo.
Can we just say that whenever he puts anything in his mouth, we get to drink? I don't think we have enough tequila.
I don't think Mexico has enough tequila.
Look at Christina.
Walking down the aisle right after she told me she loved me.
I guess those words don't mean anything! Just something you say to a man who's handing you his heart.
Oh, you sweet angel.
You sweet, lying, deceiving angel! Christina! Christina! Tootsie Roll! Anybody say anything after I left last night? You mean after you walked out of the living room and were crying in the kitchen or after you walked out of the kitchen and were crying on the porch? Porch.
I heard all the kitchen stuff.
Aw, by then, everybody was pretty soused from the "drink when Mike eats cake" game.
You know, I may have a problem.
Just so you know, last night wasn't all about Christina.
I always get weepy at weddings.
And dog shows, for some reason.
It's a shame they can't all be winners.
I know, you're a very sensitive man.
And I'm sure Christina had a good reason for not showing up.
Yeah.
Well, she's a busy woman.
She's got a career and a kid can't expect her to drop everything and be at my beck and call.
Very mature way to think about it.
I am a mature man, and this is an adult relationship built on a * and trust.
Without trust, you got nothing.
Uh-huh.
So does that mean we can stop circling her block? Mm, just a couple more times.
You're gonna be fine, Carl.
Just get some rest.
And try not to do anything stupid.
Is he all right? Oh, no, he's gonna do something stupid.
Well, I hope they're gonna be okay.
I really like Christina.
Me, too.
This is the first girl he ever dated I wasn't scared of.
There was this one with an eye patch, she drove a school bus.
School bus? I think I've seen her.
I hope it was her.
I'd hate to think there's two crazy one-eyed ladies carting kids around town.
Oh, well, that job doesn't always draw the cream of the crop.
No.
Sweetie, could I ask you a question? Sure.
You and I are good, right? Our relationship's pretty solid.
Is this about that "Bride of Cake-enstein" crack I made last night? 'Cause I had had, like, five shots of tequila.
No, that was funny.
And way more clever than your mom just pointing at me and yelling, "Tubby like cake!" Well, she's a mean drunk.
She's a mean sober.
Don't worry, you and I are more than good.
We're great.
Well, I know I'm the perfect man in your eyes right now, but it might not always be that way.
Sure.
I mean, I can't always expect you to maintain this level of excellence.
Right.
I mean, if Christina could get tired of James Turner, you might actually grow tired of me one day.
You've got to be kidding me.
He's an Adonis, right? Not him, you! This is the best picture of you I've ever seen.
Your eyes are open, Mike, you're smiling.
You're practically glowing.
What can I say? It was a very special day for me.
Unlike our wedding, where every picture, it looks like you just got hit by lightning.
Well, those pictures may not have turned out great, but the ones I carry in my heart Mm-hmm.
are absolutely perfect.
I'm surrounded by the people I love, and I'm marrying the beautiful woman of my dreams.
You are one smooth talking son of a bitch.
Shut up and kiss me.
Yeah, Christina, I'm gonna need you to call me back, 'cause I'm tired of this guessing game.
I mean, if you're done with me, that's fine, but I need to know so I can move on.
And I will move on! Ah, who am I kidding? Just call me back! I'm making a fool of myself! Carlton, it is 11:05 in the p.
m.
Why aren't you in bed diddling yourself? Just go back to sleep, Grandma.
I got this under control.
How am I supposed to sleep with you down here wailing like a little girl sitting on a bumblebee? Why can't you be deaf like other old ladies? Carlton, the woman is clearly trying to put a little space between you.
And the more you push it, the more you're gonna push her away.
Yeah, but if I don't push it, I might lose her, Grandma.
It's clear the woman is trying to let you down easy.
Oh, I see, just because she didn't return a few phone calls Fifteen! And that's just since you walked in the house.
Plus, five on the porch and two in your car.
I wish I was deaf! You know what, I'm going to her place right now and prove you wrong.
- Because you are wrong, Grandma.
- Uh-huh.
Just like the time when you were five and said you could stop the electric fan with your tongue.
And I would've done it, too, if you hadn't have stopped me! If I hadn't stopped you, we wouldn't be having this conversation, because one of us wouldn't have a tongue and the other one would be in the bed asleep! It's fine, everything's gonna be fine.
Carl, what are you doing here? I just wanted to make sure you're okay.
Left you a couple of messages.
I know.
I haven't had time to listen to them all.
Oh, so you did get them.
Good.
I was worried your cell phone got stolen.
This neighborhood is kind of sketchy.
That's why you might have seen a patrol car circling your block earlier.
Carl, I want to talk to you, but now is not the right time.
Look, I just need to know what's going on.
I honestly don't know right now.
Everything okay? Oh, hey, Carl.
Hey.
James, can you give us a minute? Sure.
Carl, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
No, take a lot more than that to hurt me.
I had a woman try to run me over with a school bus.
I just I just need to see this through for myself and for my son.
No, it's better that it happened now than after we get married, then I got to give you half my crap.
I still care about you very much, Carl.
I don't believe you.
You know what, man, I'm better off.
That relationship had an expiration date on it anyway.
What are you talking about? You loved Christina.
Mike.
I've loved a lot of women.
Man like me can't limit himself to just one.
It's like you and corndogs.
Or cupcakes.
Or Fritos.
I get it.
And I'm not ready to be anybody's daddy, either.
That woman had a lot of baggage, and frankly, my arms were getting pretty tired of carrying it.
Well, you seem to be okay with all of this, so I guess I'm happy for you.
Jealous is what you're gonna be, because this dawg has been released from his cage and is back on the prowl! But don't worry, I'm gonna share my tales of glory with all you boys still in the kennel.
Just the headlines though.
I don't need to see or smell anything.
Noted.
There's only one thing I can't quite wrap my head around.
What's that? Why couldn't she love me?! Okay, take it easy.
Why couldn't she love me? Pull the car over.
Pull the car over.