Queer as Folk s03e03 Episode Script

ÿþ1 ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ Stopping of dryer .]
[ Sliding of coins .]
[ Shudder of disgust .]
I LOST A SOCK AND A PAIR OF SHORTS, BUT THE FUCK IF I'M GOING BACK DOWN THERE WITH THE CRYPT-MASTER.
BEN? UH, YEAH? I.
.
.
I SAID THERE WAS THIS GUY DOWN THERE.
THIS.
.
.
THIS IN.
.
.
CREDIBLY HOT GUY.
AND I WAS.
.
.
I WAS BENDING OVER TO GET MY LAUNDRY OUT OF THE DRYER, AND.
.
.
AND HE RIPPED OFF MY PANTS AND HE FUCKED THE SHIT OUT OF ME.
[ Groan .]
UH-HUH? [ Grunt .]
HEY, HEY, WHAT.
.
.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M READING THE NEWSPAPER AND I'M NEAR-SIGHTED SO I.
.
.
OH, THE CLASSIFIEDS.
OH.
.
.
YEAH, I'M LOOKING FOR AN APARTMENT, MICHAEL.
UH.
.
.
YOU ALREADY HAVE AN APARTMENT, COMPLETE WITH APPLIANCES AND HARDWOOD FLOORS, AND A BUILT-IN BOYFRIEND.
.
.
YEAH, I TOLD YOU, I-I THINK IT'S BEST IF I HAVE MY OWN PLACE.
YEAH.
AND I THINK IT'S BEST.
.
.
THAT YOU STAY.
HMM.
.
.
ARE YOU SURE YOU WOULDN'T RATHER BE OUT WITH BRIAN? WELL, I HAVE TO ADMIT, IT IS TEMPTING.
BUT THEN, I WOULD MISS OUT ON ALL THE PRE-SOAKING, [ Scoffing .]
AND SPIN-DRYING, AND NOT TO MENTION, HAVING THE HOTTEST MAN IN PITTSBURGH TO HELP ME FLUFF 'N' FOLD.
[ Sigh .]
Brian: HELP YOU WITH THE CENTER CARNIVAL? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? I LIKE TO THINK NOT.
HUH.
AFTER THE WAY THEY SCREWED ME, THE ONLY THING I'D LIKE TO HELP THE CENTER DO IS SELF-DESTRUCT.
WELL, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN IF WE DON'T BOOST OUR CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP AND RAISE A COUPLE IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.
[ Clearing of throat .]
AH.
.
.
ANYONE ELSE IN THERE I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT? HUH.
UH, HOPEFULLY NOT BEFORE I DO.
LOOK, IT MAY NOT BE YOUR PROBLEM.
BUT IT'D BE A VERY BIG PROBLEM FOR A LOT OF MEMBERS OF OUR COMMUNITY IF WE HAD TO CUT ON AIDS HOSPICE CARE OR THE HOMELESS TEEN SHELTER.
ALL I'M ASKING IS FOR YOU TO VOLUNTEER A FEW HOURS OF YOUR TIME TO HELP ORGANIZE THIS FUNDRAISER.
MAYBE CALL A FEW OF YOUR CLIENTS AND SEE IF THEY'D BE WILLING TO CONTRIBUTE.
OH, I-I DON'T DO VOLUNTEER WORK.
OH, THANKS A LOT, BRIAN.
HOPE I DIDN'T KEEP YOU FROM ATTENDING TO MORE IMPOR- TANT THINGS.
HOWEVER, THE CENTER AND I MAY BE ABLE TO COME TO SOME MORE.
.
.
AMENABLE.
.
.
AGREEMENT ? THERE IS NO WAY WE'RE WORKING WITH HIM.
IT'S OUT OF THE QUESTION.
I UNDERSTAND YOUR RELUCTANCE TO GET INVOLVED.
HOWEVER, IF HE'S WILLING TO PUT PAST HOSTILITIES ASIDE, I SAY WE SHOULD DO THE SAME.
JUST WHAT EXACTLY IS MR.
KINNEY OFFERING TO DO? ORGANIZE THE EVENT, BRING IN CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP.
.
.
I SAY WE'RE DOING FINE WITHOUT HIM.
IF YOU CALL SELLING 40 TICKETS "DOING FINE".
BRIAN'S PUT TOGETHER A PROPOSAL TO GIVE THE CARNIVAL A BIT MORE EDGE.
OOPS.
Tannis: EDGE? HE'S ALSO CONTACTED A FEW OF HIS CLIENTS.
AND THEY'VE AGREED TO SPONSOR THE EVENT, AND MATCH ANY FUNDS WE RAISE UP TO $100,000.
PLEASE EXTEND TO MR.
KINNEY THE CENTER'S GRATITUDE FOR VOLUNTEER- ING HIS TIME AND EFFORT.
[ Excited giggle .]
WELL, HE'S.
.
.
NOT EXACTLY VOLUNTEERING.
HE WANTS 20% OFF THE TOP.
HE EXPECTS US TO PAY HIM? FOR FUNDRAISING? Tannis: IS HE KIDDING? WELL, HIS FEELING IS, "WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE 100% OF NOTHING, OR 80% OF MORE THAN YOU EVER FUCKING DREAMED OF?" j& IT'S TIME TO TAKE CONTROL AGAIN j& j& AND BE THE ONLY ONE.
.
.
j& HMMM.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? CAN I BUY IT? $30,000? THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY FOR AN OLD CAR.
IT'S NOT OLD, IT'S A CLASSIC.
SO HOW DO YOU PLAN ON PAYING FOR IT? A LITTLE EXTRA CASH JUST FELL IN MY LAP.
WELL, THAT'S A SIZEABLE CHUNK OF CHANGE FOR BOYFRIEND REPLACEMENT THERAPY.
I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
I'VE NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND.
RIGHT.
THEN IT MUST BE A MID-LIFE CRISIS.
I'M ONLY 30.
.
.
.
1.
AND SINCE I PLAN ON BEING DEAD BY THE TIME I'M 39, IT'S ONE ANNOYANCE I WON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH.
YEAH.
I'LL BE SURE TO REMIND YOU OF THAT ON YOUR 60th BIRTHDAY.
COME ON, MIKEY.
IF WE LEAVE NOW, WE CAN BE IN NEW YORK BY MIDNIGHT.
NO FUCKING WAY.
BEN NEARLY MOVED OUT BECAUSE OF YOU.
[ Slamming of door .]
[ Revving of engine .]
[ Squealing of tires .]
Man: JEAN, YOUR ORDER'S UP.
Jean: OKAY.
IS THAT LOOK OF LONGING.
.
.
FOR ME OR THE COCONUT CREAM? HUH.
NOW WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW? [ Chuckle .]
WANT THE LAST BITE? HELL, NO.
I'M ALMOST AT THE POINT WHERE I ACTUALLY HAVE A WAIST.
OR HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED? OH, I'VE NOTICED.
AND? AND IT'S LOOKIN' GOOD.
REAL GOOD.
Man: COME ON, DEB, [ Ringing of service bell .]
UM.
.
.
ORDER'S UP.
UH, SEE YOU FRIDAY? YEAH.
I'LL RESERVE A LANE.
WHAT DO YOU SAY.
.
.
WE SKIP THE BOWLING THIS WEEK? MAYBE HAVE A LITTLE DINNER? FRIDAY IS, UH, THREE GRAMS OF FISH AND FOUR OUNCES OF STEAMED KALE.
MMM! MY FAVOURITE.
[ Chuckling .]
AFTERWARDS WE CAN WATCH TV.
YEAH, WELL THE.
.
.
THE, UH.
.
.
THE SET DOWNSTAIRS IS STILL ON THE FRITZ.
THE ONLY ONE THAT'S WORKING IS THE ONE IN MY BEDROOM.
I KNOW.
Both: [ Chuckling .]
Debbie: THERE YOU GO.
OOH, FOOD.
SO, DEB.
.
.
WHAT'S IT LIKE, DOING IT WITH A COP? Emmett: [ Chuckle .]
DOES HE.
.
.
CONDUCT A STRIP SEARCH? HANDCUFF YOU TO THE BED? WORK YOU OVER TILL YOU SING? DO YOU KNOW WHAT M.
Y.
O.
B.
STANDS FOR? MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS.
SHOULDN'T THERE BE AN 'F' IN THERE? HMM.
Debbie: HI, I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
.
.
[ Snapping of fingers .]
I HAVE A PROPOSITION.
A BUSINESS PROPOSITION.
WHAT'D YOU HAVE IN MIND? A POSTER.
SOMETHING HOT AND BRILLIANT, AND SOMETHING BY.
.
.
TOMORROW? [ Sighing .]
I WOULDN'T ASK YOU IF I DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD DO IT.
OR IF YOU WEREN'T DESPERATE.
YEAH, THAT TOO.
WHAT'S IT FOR? IT'S FOR THE CENTER CARNIVAL.
YOU FUCKING HATE THE CENTER.
NOT WHEN THEY'RE PAYING ME.
SO, HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT? IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE, SO IT'S FREE.
CHRIST, DIDN'T I TEACH YOU ANYTHING? TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.
I LIKE THE WAY YOU DO BUSINESS.
UH.
.
.
YOU HAD THE PROCEDURE? LIKE YOU SAID, IT WAS NO BIG DEAL.
HE DID IT IN THE OFFICE, ZAPPED ME WITH A LASER, A COUPLE OF STITCHES.
.
.
BUT YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD ME, I WOULD'VE COME.
IT WAS SOMETHING I HAD TO DO ON MY OWN.
LIKE.
.
.
BUNGEE-JUMPING.
I HOPE THAT'S NOT NEXT.
[ Nervous chuckle .]
I MEAN, FACE MY FEARS HEAD-ON, AND HOPE I DON'T LAND SPLAT! AND DID YOU LAND.
.
.
SPLAT? EVERYTHING'S FINE.
HE SAID I CAN GET PREGNANT RIGHT AWAY.
OH.
MEL.
AH-H.
MMM.
OH.
.
.
I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
I- I WAS.
.
.
I WAS JUST USING IT AS AN EXCUSE.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
IT MATTERS A LOT.
BECAUSE I WANT TO BE THE ONE TO CARRY OUR NEXT CHILD.
ARE YOU SURE? SO WE COULD HAVE A LITTLE MELANIE? OR MELVIN.
BY NEXT CHRISTMAS? CHANUKAH.
AH! AH.
NOW ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS PICK A DONOR.
I.
.
.
THOUGHT WE ALREADY HAD ONE.
THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY BRIAN KINNEY'S FUCKING SPERM ARE DOING THE BREASTSTROKE UP MY FALLOPIAN TUBE.
THEY DO THE AUSTRALIAN CRAWL.
I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE.
WELL, NOT AFTER ALL THE GRIEF HE'S CAUSED US.
UH, WE ARE NOT MAKING THE SAME MISTAKE TWICE.
I UNDERSTAND PERFECTLY HOW YOU FEEL.
BUT WHAT IF SOMETHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO US? A FATAL ACCIDENT.
BUNGEE-JUMPING? I'M SERIOUS.
AT LEAST OUR KIDS WOULD HAVE THE SAME FATHER.
OH, SOME FATHER.
SELFISH, PROMISCUOUS.
AND WHO KNOWS IF HE'S EVEN NEGATIVE? WELL, WHOEVER IT IS WOULD HAVE TO BE TESTED.
BUT THINK HOW GOOD HE'S BEEN TO US, AND TO GUS.
ALWAYS THERE TO WRITE A CHEQUE, PUT UP A SWING SET, AND SAVE OUR WEDDING FROM DISASTER.
HONESTLY, MEL, HE'S NOT THE OLD BRIAN.
HE'S CHANGED.
AND BOTTOM LINE.
.
.
WITHOUT HIM, OUR KIDS WOULDN'T BE RELATED.
[ Grunt of effort .]
WHO'S THE HOTTIE? MY BOYFRIEND.
THE OTHER HOTTIE.
OOH, LOOKS LIKE TARZAN.
AND HE SOUNDS LIKE JANE.
I'D WARBLE LIKE A COLORATURA IF I HAD PECS LIKE HIS.
WELL, SHOOT YOURSELF UP WITH JUNGLE JUICE AND YOU CAN.
WHAT, STEROIDS? YEAH, I'M SURPRISED HIS LIVER HASN'T FALLEN OUT OF HIS ASSHOLE.
Debbie: NOT TO MENTION MOOD SWINGS AND HIS BALLS SHRINKING UP TO THE SIZE OF TWO M&M PEANUTS.
[ Giggle .]
MOM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? SAME THING YOU ARE.
CRUISING FOR A BLOW-JOB? JESUS, MA, YOU ALREADY GO TO THE SAME BARS AND THE SAME CLUBS I DO.
NOW YOU GOTTA COME TO THE SAME GYM? CAN'T I HAVE ONE PLACE IN THE WORLD THAT'S MY OWN? SO YOU WANNA BE WORKOUT BUDDIES? LOOKING GOOD, GIRL! BET YOUR PRIVATE DICK THINKS SO TOO.
I TOLD YOU, I HAVE NO INTENTION OF TURNING THE MOST INTIMATE DETAILS OF MY PERSONAL LIFE INTO GYM GOSSIP, LIKE YOU GAY GUYS.
IN OTHER WORDS, YOU HAVEN'T DONE IT YET.
WELL, IT ISN'T BECAUSE HE ISN'T INTERESTED.
IT'S JUST BEEN A WHILE SINCE I.
.
.
I "WORKED OUT".
I WOULDN'T WANT TO DISAPPOINT HIM.
WELL, IF ANYONE KNOWS HOW TO PLEASE HIS MAN, IT'S EM.
OH.
.
.
HUSH! HONEY, ALL YOU NEED IS A LITTLE REFRESHER COURSE.
AND WHO BETTER TO INSTRUCT YOU THAN PROFESSORS HONEYCUTT AND SCHMIDT? DOCTORS OF DICKOLOGY.
[ Chuckling .]
SHE'S NOT IN HERE, IS SHE? WHO? MY MOTHER.
IT'S THE MEN'S LOCKER ROOM.
YOU THINK THAT'LL STOP HER? Man: A FULL HOUR ON THE PRECOR, AND ALL I DROPPED WAS A POUND.
GOTTA CUT BACK ON THAT PIZZA.
HEY, BEN.
HEY, JASON.
HOW'S IT GOING? GOOD.
Man: REMEMBER THOSE IN THE '90s WHEN EVERYBODY WANTED TO PUT ON WEIGHT BECAUSE IT MEANT YOU WEREN'T DYING? DIDN'T DO PAUL ANY GOOD.
AT LEAST WE DON'T HAVE TO GO BACK TO THAT GODDAMN HOSPICE.
TALK ABOUT DEPRESSING.
SORRY, WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT PAUL? OH, DIDN'T YOU HEAR? UH.
.
.
HE DIED LAST NIGHT.
Ethan: ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE THERE.
EVEN IF IT MEANS INCURRING ISHIGURA'S WRATH FOR NOT PRACTICING MY BARTOK.
I DON'T KNOW, I'LL ASK HIM.
HEY, JUS, MY FRIEND COLLIER WANTS TO KNOW IF MY IMAGINARY LOVER WILL BE ACCOMPANYING ME TO HIS SOIREE.
TELL HIM I WOULD SOONER EAT SHIT AND DIE.
HE SAYS HE CAN'T WAIT TO MEET YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
NOW, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO ANTI-SOCIAL? I'M NOT ANTI-SOCIAL.
I JUST.
.
.
CAN'T STAND PEOPLE.
[ Chuckling .]
COME ON, YOU'LL HAVE A GREAT TIME.
UH.
.
.
CHATTING INANELY ABOUT INDEPENDENT FILM, WITH A ROOMFUL OF STRANGERS? OH MY GOD, YOU'RE A BIGGER FUCKING SNOB THAN I AM.
[ Loud kiss .]
MUST BE WHY I LOVE YOU.
WHAT'S THIS? Justin: IT'S A POSTER I'M WORKING ON FOR A CHARITY EVENT.
I WISH SOMEBODY WOULD THROW A BENEFIT FOR US.
ACTUALLY, I'M GETTING PAID.
LIKE.
.
.
AS IN, DOLLARS? AS IN, 500 OF THEM.
NO SHIT! HOW DID YOU SWING THAT? SOMEONE I KNOW.
HUH! SOMEONE YOU KNOW.
.
.
SOMEONE WE BOTH KNOW? UH, HE NEEDED AN ARTIST.
AND EVEN THOUGH HE WORKS WITH DOZENS OF THEM ALL DAY LONG IN HIS OFFICE, HE MIRACULOUSLY THOUGHT OF YOU.
MAYBE HE THOUGHT I WAS.
.
.
BEST QUALIFIED FOR THE JOB.
OR MAYBE HE'S JUST TRYING TO WIN YOU BACK.
HE CAN TRY ALL HE WANTS.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WOULD EVER GO? OH, I DON'T KNOW.
HE'S RICH, GORGEOUS, HE CAN MAKE CASH MAGICALLY APPEAR.
.
.
FUCK THE MONEY.
FUCK HIM.
I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.
PROVE IT.
UH-H.
.
.
I'M NOT GOING TO PROVE IT.
COME ON.
OH-H.
.
.
"HOW DO I LOVE THEE? LET ME COUNT THE WAYS.
.
.
" OH, YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.
[ Yelp .]
[ Chuckling .]
[ Gasp .]
j& .
.
.
EXTREMES OF LOVE j& j& I'M GONNA GET MYSELF SOME.
.
.
j& [ Moaning/sighing .]
AH.
.
.
AH.
.
.
AH-H-H.
YEAH.
YEAH.
NO, THIS ONE'S ON ME.
UH-OH.
SO WHAT DO YOU WANT THIS TIME? WE'VE DECIDED TO GIVE GUS A SIBLING.
HEY! HEY! AND JUST WHEN YOU STARTED TO GET YOUR SHAPE BACK? MMM.
.
.
OH, FUCK YOU.
WELL, LUCKILY I HAVEN'T SHOT A LOAD IN TWO HOURS.
AH.
.
.
[ Unzipping of fly .]
THIS WILL JUST TAKE A SECOND.
OH, NOT NOW! WELL, WHEN DO YOU WANT IT? I DON'T.
Melanie: THERE'S BEEN A SLIGHT CHANGE OF PLANS.
I'M GOING TO BE THE ONE TO CARRY OUR NEXT CHILD.
[ Scoffing laugh .]
YOU? I THOUGHT YOU WERE BARREN.
I WASN'T BARREN.
I HAD ENDOMETRIOSIS.
BUT SHE'S CURED.
PRAISE THE LORD.
SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY? IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
HUH, MELANIE'S ONE OF THE LEADING CAUSES OF ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.
THANK YOU.
BESIDES, I AGREED TO INSEMINATE YOU, NOT YOUR HUSBAND.
BUT IF WE GET SOMEONE ELSE, OUR KIDS WON'T BE RELATED.
HAVE YOU EVER MET MY SISTER? THAT'S NOT MUCH OF AN ARGUMENT.
WE HAD A DEAL.
YOU'RE THE ONES THAT CHANGED THE TERMS.
ME AND MELANIE, MOM AND POP.
.
.
AH-H-H.
.
.
I'D SAY THAT WENT WELL.
Debbie: JESUS CHRIST! DO YOU REALIZE PEOPLE EAT HERE? THEY'RE ALL FRESH AND NEW.
HAND PICKED FROM THE PLEASURE BOUTIQUE.
[ Sniffing .]
MMMM.
I JUST WANT TO SLEEP WITH THE GUY, NOT.
.
.
DRILL FOR OIL.
WELL, THAT'S WHY WE BROUGHT THESE, TO HELP YOU ACHIEVE YOUR GOAL.
WHICH WOULD YOU SAY MOST RESEMBLES DETECTIVE HORVATH? HOW THE HELL WOULD I KNOW? I'VE ONLY KISSED HIM.
NOW PUT THOSE THINGS AWAY.
NOT SO FAST.
NOW, YOU ASKED FOR OUR HELP, AND THAT'S WHY WE'VE COME: TO TEACH YOU.
THE ART.
.
.
OF ORAL SEX.
WE'RE GOING TO SHARE WITH YOU SECRETS KNOWN HERETOFORE ONLY TO GAY MEN.
TECHNIQUES PASSED DOWN FROM GENERATION TO GENERATION SINCE TIME IMMEMORIAL.
ONCE YOU'VE PASSED THE COURSE, WE GUARANTEE HORVATH WILL FOREVER REGARD YOU AS HIS GODDESS, HIS QUEEN.
CLEOPATRA, SCHEHERAZADE.
.
.
REESE WITHERSPOON.
[ Sigh .]
NOW, SHALL WE BEGIN? ALL RIGHT.
[ Clearing of throat .]
LET US RELAX THE JAW.
ROTATING IT FIRST CLOCKWISE.
.
.
UH-HUH.
.
.
THEN COUNTER- CLOCKWISE.
.
.
UH-HUH.
.
.
YEAH.
GOOD.
NOW WAG THE TONGUE.
ALALALA, ALALALALA.
.
.
.
YEAH, THAT'S THE WAY.
NEXT, GRASP THE SHAFT FIRMLY WITH OUR RIGHT HAND, LEFT IF WE'RE A SOUTHPAW; CREATING A VELVET VISE.
MMMM.
NOW OPEN WIDE, BEING SURE TO COVER THE TEETH, ALLOWING FOR A SMOOTH AND UNOBSTRUCTED ENTRY.
<i>COMME cÇA.
.
.
</i> [ Inhaling .]
BOYS, YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU.
I JUST NEED TO ASK ONE QUESTION.
IF IT'S ABOUT SUPPRESSING THE GAG REFLEX, W-WE'RE GET- TING TO THAT.
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MINDS? THERE'S NO WAY I'M GONNA.
.
.
DO THIS.
THERE ARE PARTIES IN BEVERLY HILLS WHERE HOUSEWIVES PAY 1,000 BUCKS A HEAD.
.
.
SO TO SPEAK.
TO LEARN WHAT WE'RE TEACHING YOU, FOR FREE.
DEBBIE, YOU WANT TO MAKE HORVATH HAPPY, DON'T YOU? SURE I DO.
AND EVEN HAVE A GOOD TIME YOURSELF? SO WHAT'S THE HARM IN LEARNING HOW TO DO IT THE RIGHT WAY? [ Sighing .]
ONE, ONE, TWO.
.
.
TWO.
.
.
All: [ Inhaling .]
[ Mixed chatter .]
IT'S CHILLY OUT HERE.
I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO GET S.
.
.
THANK YOU.
I AM ALL RIGHT.
[ Grunting .]
I'M SORRY.
FOR WHAT? FOR PAUL.
FOR YOU.
I JUST DIDN'T EXPECT IT TO BE SO SOON.
IF I'D KNOWN, I WOULD'VE.
.
.
GONE TO SEE HIM MORE OFTEN.
YOU WERE BUSY.
YEAH, RIGHT.
THAT'S ALWAYS A GOOD EXCUSE, NOT TO VISIT SOMEONE YOU ONCE SHARED YOUR LIFE WITH, YOUR BED.
.
.
I'M SURE HE UNDERSTOOD.
AND FORGAVE YOU THE SAME WAY YOU FORGAVE HIM.
THEN WHY AM I SO GODDAMN ANGRY AT HIM RIGHT NOW? FOR GETTING IT, FOR GIVING IT TO ME.
.
.
AND THEN NOT EVEN BOTHERING TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF, OR WATCH WHAT HE ATE.
I WOULD TELL HIM, "NUTRITION IS ESSENTIAL.
AND EXERCISE.
YOU'VE GOT TO EXERCISE, PAUL, BUILD UP YOUR MUSCLE MASS.
" BUT IT WAS AS IF ONCE HE KNEW HE HAD IT.
.
.
HE FIGURED, "I'M GOING TO DIE ANYWAY, SO WHAT THE HELL DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?" LUCKILY, YOU'RE NOT LIKE THAT.
RIGHT.
YOU DO EVERY- THING YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO.
EVERYTHING YOU CAN POSSIBLY DO.
AND IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING, I STILL ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL.
MAYBE HE'S RIGHT.
.
.
MAYBE IT DOESN'T MATTER.
IT DOES MATTER.
AND MOST IMPORTANT IS YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IT DOES.
MORE COD? OH.
.
.
THREE GRAMS, I'M STUFFED.
Both: [ Chuckling .]
WELL, THERE'S FRUIT FOR DESSERT.
I KNOW IT'S NOT EXACTLY EXCITING BUT.
.
.
WITH YOU IN THE ROOM, WHAT COULD BE? I'LL GET THE FRUIT.
FORGET THE FRUIT.
OH.
.
.
I'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA.
I'M TOO HEAVY, YOU.
.
.
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
CARL.
.
.
I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.
I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.
ABOUT WHAT? ABOUT THIS.
I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.
IT'S JUST THAT IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.
HOW LONG? LAST CENTURY.
WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I PROMISE TO BE GENTLE, GUIDE YOU THROUGH IT.
.
.
MAYBE EVEN TEACH YOU A FEW THINGS.
THE EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE NEEDS TO BE MORE.
.
.
ENTICING.
BUT.
.
.
MORE FOREBODING.
"ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK, PREPARE TO BE FUCKED".
THINK I CAN MANAGE THAT.
YOU COULD PROBABLY GET A BETTER VIEW IF YOU STOOD A LITTLE CLOSER.
AND HIS HIPS NEED TO BE MORE IN PROFILE TO ACCENTUATE HIS COCK.
HUH.
.
.
IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT SEX.
UNLESS IT'S ABOUT DEATH.
BUT.
.
.
DEATH DOESN'T SELL TICKETS.
[ Sliding of door .]
I PICKED UP CHINESE FOOD.
I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS FOR THREE.
I WAS JUST GOING.
WE'RE DONE, RIGHT? HEY.
HEY.
SO GLAD YOU BOYS KISSED AND MADE UP.
[ Sliding of door .]
HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU? IT'S ON ME.
WELL IN THAT CASE.
.
.
ALLOW ME TO.
.
.
SUPPLY.
.
.
THE HORS D'OEUVRES.
Michael: [ Giggling .]
DO YOU SEE ONE DROPPING? [ Helpless laughter .]
TONY FACELLI.
REMEMBER.
.
.
HE WAS THE ONE WHO TAUGHT US HOW TO LIGHT OUR FARTS? AND HIS PANTS CAUGHT ON FIRE.
HE.
.
.
HE, UH.
.
.
HE.
.
.
HE DIED IN THAT CAR WRECK.
[ Snort .]
[ Chuckle .]
UH, LINDA ZLUTSKY.
ZLUTSKY THE SLUTSKY? SHE GOT EXPELLED FOR GIVING MR.
DORF, THE.
.
.
THE MATH TEACHER, HEAD.
SHE BECAME A LAP DANCER IN SCRANTON.
[ Laughing .]
WHICH JUST GOES TO SHOW, "ALL LIFE IS A LESSON.
" THAT'S WHAT BEN ALWAYS SAYS.
HIS, UH.
.
.
[ Clearing of throat .]
HIS EX, PAUL, THE ONE WHO INFECTED HIM.
.
.
DIED.
WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD.
YOU HAVE TO BE NUTS, OR A SELFISH PIECE OF SHIT, TO WANT TO BRING A.
.
.
A CHILD INTO IT.
[ Snorting .]
YOU DID.
YEAH, LINDSAY CONVINCED ME ONE NIGHT WHEN I WAS TRIPPING.
[ Chuckling .]
HUH.
UH.
.
.
BUT I'M SURE AS HELL NOT DOING IT FOR SMELLY MELLY.
THEY CAN GO TO A SPERM BANK.
OR SCRAPE IT OFF THE FLOOR IN THE BACKROOM AT BABYLON.
[ Sniff .]
J.
.
.
JUST GIVE ME ONE VALID REASON WHY ANY QUEER IN HIS RIGHT MIND WOULD WANT TO BRING A KID INTO THIS WORLD.
UM.
.
.
CAN'T THINK OF ONE, CAN YOU? WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT, HOLD ON.
[ Gurgling of water .]
TO PISS OFF STRAIGHT PEOPLE! [ Panting .]
YOU'RE NOT DISAPPOINTED, ARE YOU? DISAPPOINTED? OH-H-H.
.
.
MORE LIKE AMAZED.
REALLY? ESPECIALLY AFTER, UH.
.
.
ALL THAT LIP SERVICE ABOUT HOW NERVOUS YOU WERE.
AH-H-H.
WHAT'S THAT MEAN? AH.
.
.
NOTHING.
DON'T GIVE ME "NOTHING" AFTER A REMARK LIKE THAT.
LET'S JUST SAY THAT.
.
.
NO ONE COULD DO WHAT YOU JUST DID WITHOUT A LITTLE PRACTICE.
AND FROM THE WAY THAT YOU, UH.
.
.
YOU KNOW.
.
.
LADY.
.
.
YOU COULD TEACH A CLASS.
IS THAT SO? IN FACT, I HEARD IN BEVERLY HILLS THEY CHARGE $1,000 FOR IT.
HORVATH, I WAS TELL- ING YOU THE TRUTH.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS THAT I.
.
.
YEAH, SURE.
WHATEVER.
YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME? WELL, THAT'S JUST TOO FUCKING BAD.
NOW YOU BETTER TAKE YOUR SUSPICIONS AND YOUR SUSPENDERS, AND, AND.
.
.
.
AND REMOVE YOUR BUTT FROM MY BED! DEBBIE.
.
.
NOW, OUT! GET OUT! HERE'S YOUR FEE.
PLUS $100 BONUS FOR FINISHING ON TIME.
THANKS.
AND HERE'S TWO TICKETS FOR TONIGHT.
ONE FOR YOU, AND ONE FOR IAN.
OH.
UM.
.
.
I WAS JUST ADMIRING YOUR BOYFRIEND'S LATEST CREATION.
AN ARTIST ALWAYS DOES HIS BEST WORK WHEN HE HAS SOMEBODY HE LOVES TO INSPIRE HIM.
HUH.
YEAH.
SO I'VE BEEN TOLD.
WE SHOULD GO.
SEE YOU TONIGHT.
OH, BRIAN GAVE US TICKETS TO THE CENTER CARNIVAL.
OH, I'M SURE IT'LL BE A BLAST, BUT.
.
.
WE'VE ALREADY GOT PLANS.
OH.
WELL, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MINDS, YOUR NAMES'LL BE ON THE LIST.
SO, HOW YOU DOING? OH, UM.
.
.
WHY AREN'T YOU IN CLASS? Justin: I THOUGHT YOU HAD A CLASS.
.
.
Man: ORDER'S UP ON TABLE FOUR.
[ Mixed chatter .]
SPECIAL TODAY IS THE DICK OF DEATH.
FOOT-LONG HOT DOG, CREAMY COLE SLAW ON THE SIDE.
DON'T MAKE ME REPEAT IT.
Together: TWO SPECIALS.
Emmett: WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! SO, HOW WAS IT? YEAH, SHOULD YOUR PROFESSORS GIVE YOU AN "A"? YEAH.
FOR "ASSHOLE".
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I AM FOR LISTENING TO YOU.
WHAT, HE WASN'T PLEASED? IMPOSSIBLE! I DEFY ANY MALE, LIVING OR DEAD, NOT TO RESPOND TO OUR TIME- TESTED TECHNIQUE.
Emmett: PROVIDED YOU FOLLOWED OUR INSTRUCTIONS.
OH, I FOLLOWED 'EM.
HE RESPONDED TO EVERY FLICK AND LICK.
AND SO, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? THE PROBLEM IS HE THINKS I'M A WHORE.
I'M SO PROUD! WELL, I NEVER WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN.
[ Ringing of bell .]
OOH, WHAT ABOUT 873? AND A MENSA! IS THAT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT? TO GIVE BIRTH TO A LITTLE Brian: GOT CREAM.
AH.
.
.
UMMM.
IT WAS MILKED FRESH THIS MORNING.
I SHOULD KNOW.
I MILKED IT MYSELF.
UH, UH.
THAT'S DISGUSTING.
THAT'S REALLY DISGUSTING.
YO, BITCHES, I'M OFFERING TO LEND A HAND.
WOULD YOU BEAT IT? THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN OFFERING TO DO.
WAIT.
DO YOU REALLY MEAN IT? YEAH.
IF IT'S A BOY, YOU CAN NAME HIM BRIAN JUNIOR.
AND IF IT'S A GIRL? CHARITY.
IN HONOUR OF MY DONATION.
NOW LET'S GO PISS OFF SOME HETEROSEXUALS.
HMM.
[ Panting .]
[ Groan of effort .]
[ Grunts of effort .]
Ben: HEY, ROY.
HOW YOU DOING? LISTEN, I WAS, UH.
.
.
I WAS WONDER- ING, COULD YOU, UH, GIVE ME SOME HELP, MAN? YOU WANT ME TO SPOT YOU? UH.
.
.
ACTUALLY, IT'S GOT MORE TO DO WITH, UH, NUTRITION.
UH, SUPPLEMENTS.
.
.
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
YEAH.
COME ON.
[ Office hubbub .]
[ Indistinct bickering .]
.
.
.
HE ARRESTED ME, THAT'S WHY.
HE LIKES YOU THOUGH.
HE THINKS YOU'RE FUNNY.
UM.
.
.
E-EXCUSE US, DETECTIVE HORVATH? [ Clearing of throat .]
WHAT, UH, CAN I DO FOR YOU BOYS? UH.
.
.
A DEAR FRIEND OF OURS IS IN A LITTLE BIT OF.
.
.
OF TROUBLE.
UH, SEEMS LAST NIGHT, AN, UH.
.
.
ORAL.
.
.
MISDEMEANOUR.
.
.
OCCURRED.
DON'T YOU HAVE SOME WORK TO DO? WHAT THE HELL'S ALL THIS ABOUT? LOOK, DEBBIE TOLD US THAT YOU HAD SEX.
OR.
.
.
SOME HETEROSEXUAL PERMUTATION THEREOF.
JESUS H.
CHRIST.
WHY DOESN'T SHE RENT A BILLBOARD? WHAT WE DO IN BED IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
Emmett: ACTUALLY, IT IS.
SEE, UM, DEBBIE WAS WORRIED THAT SHE WOULDN'T LIVE UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
Ted: THAT SHE'D LET YOU DOWN.
SO, WE GAVE HER A CRASH COURSE.
Emmett: "INTRODUCTION TO FELLATIO 101.
" EMMETT'S ONE OF THE WORLD'S FOREMOST AUTHORITIES.
AW, THANKS.
AH, ANYWAY, UM, YOUNG DEBORAH PASSED WITH HONOURS.
MAGNA CUM LOUDLY.
Emmett: IN FACT, SHE DID SO WELL, YOU, UH.
.
.
UH, APPARENTLY.
.
.
AND MISGUIDEDLY.
.
.
THINK SHE'S A SLUT.
THE.
.
.
THE TRUTH IS, DETECTIVE, WE'RE THE SLUTS.
SPEAK FOR YOURSELF.
AH, LOOK.
UNDERNEATH ALL THAT DIRTY TALK AND BRAVADO, YOU KNOW, DEBBIE IS JUST AN OLD- FASHIONED GIRL WHOSE ONLY CRIME WAS.
.
.
WANTING TO PLEASE HER MAN.
OH, HONEY.
Man 1: RUMOUR HAS IT A CERTAIN FINALIST IS OUT OF THE COMPETITION.
OH, POOR MARTA.
SHE'S AN ASTON- ISHING TALENT, BUT TERRIFIED TO PERFORM.
Man 2: AND THIS WILL BE THE TREE IN THE FOREST THAT NOBODY HEARS.
AND THEN THERE'S GIORGIO.
MEDIOCRE MUSICIAN AT BEST.
YEAH, BUT YOU PUT HIM IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE, HE KNOCKS 'EM DEAD.
Man 1: NEW YORK ISN'T PITTSBURGH.
THEY WON'T BE SO EASILY FOOLED.
YOU, MY DEAR, HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
HM-HM.
[ Party chatter/ laughter.]
HAVING FUN? YEAH, IT'S GREAT.
LIAR.
NO, YOUR FRIENDS ARE REALLY SMART AND FUNNY.
I GUESS I'M JUST NERVOUS, THAT'S ALL.
AH, DON'T BE.
YOU'RE WITH ME.
Man 2: SO THIS IS THE IMAGINARY BOYFRIEND.
ETHAN TELLS ME YOU'RE AN ARTIST.
YEP.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WHAT KIND OF STUFF DO YOU DO? UH, LATELY, I'VE BEEN MANIPULATING CLASSICAL FORM WITH DIGITAL IMAGERY.
THEN YOU'RE NOT JUST A PRETTY FACE.
NO.
I GOT A PRETTY BIG COCK AS WELL.
AND I GIVE ONE HELL OF A BLOW-JOB.
RIGHT, ETHAN? UH.
.
.
Man: [ Shouting .]
.
.
.
RING AROUND THE DILDO.
OH MY GOD! WELCOME TO CARNIVALE! START WITH "BUTTHOLE BINGO".
BOWL-A-RAMA! [ Mixed chatter/shouts .]
ANY COLOUR, ANY SIZE.
Bingo caller: I-34.
OOH, AHH! Game announcer: AND AT CENTRE STAGE, THE GRINDER! All: OOH! [ Excited shouts/ laughter .]
Bingo caller: O-75.
Various: OH MY GOD.
OH, WOW.
Game announcer: COME ON, EVERY- ONE, STEP UP.
COME ON.
IT'S "BUTTHOLE BINGO.
" [ Popping of ball .]
All: OH! EUW! B-13.
OVER 800 HAPPY, SATISFIED CUSTOMERS, AND A LINE AROUND THE BLOCK WAITING TO GET IN.
JESUS, BRIAN.
.
.
WHAT IS ALL THIS? [ Popping of ball .]
Bingo caller: I-19.
THIS IS "BUTTHOLE BINGO".
AND THAT IS ONE REMARKABLY GIFTED YOUNG MAN.
THIS WASN'T IN THE PROPOSAL YOU SUBMITTED.
YEAH, I TOOK A FEW LIBERTIES.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT A POSITIVE GAY IMAGE.
WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE DO YOU THINK WE'RE SENDING HERE? THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED HORNY, AND IT'S.
.
.
IT'S OKAY TO HAVE A LITTLE DOWN-AND-DIRTY FUN.
YOU'VE REALLY GONE TOO FAR.
YEAH, WELL IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION TO YOU, YOU'LL BE MAKING 10,000 OUT OF HIS ASS ALONE.
[ Popping of ball .]
[ Yelps of disgust .]
Bingo caller: O-69.
Ethan: "VANTS ME TO MAKE ZE SUBSIDIARY SUBJECT ZING, ETHAN, ZING!" [ Chuckles .]
HEY.
YEAH.
I'M GOING TO TAKE OFF.
WHAT, ALREADY? YEAH, I'M BEAT.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO WITH YOU.
UM.
.
.
NO, YOU.
.
.
YOU CAN STAY HERE.
I'LL SEE YOU AT HOME.
YOU SURE? MM-HM.
OKAY.
LOVE YOU.
YOU TOO.
[ Mixed chatter .]
CAN I COME IN? [ Clearing of throat .]
YOU JUST, UH.
.
.
FINISHING DINNER? JUST STARTING.
THREE OUNCES OF CHICKEN, FOUR OUNCES OF LIMA BEANS.
IS THAT ENOUGH? YOU HAVE TO KEEP UP YOUR STRENGTH.
RIGHT.
I HAVE TO GIVE BEFORE I HIT THE HAY.
I WISH YOU WOULDN'T TALK LIKE THAT.
IT'S HOW EXPERTS TALK.
YEAH, I KNOW.
TWO OF THEM CAME TO THE PRECINCT TODAY.
THAT TALL SWISH-STICK? EMMETT? AND THE ONE WHO LOOKS LIKE AN ACCOUNTANT.
TED.
THEY EXPLAINED ALL ABOUT YOUR.
.
.
EDUCATION.
HOW YOU WENT TO THE HEAD OF THE CLASS.
WELL, EMMETT'S GOT A BIG MOUTH.
IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE.
WHAT ELSE DID THEY TELL YOU? THAT YOU DID IT FOR ME.
TO PLEASE ME.
I WOULDN'T DO THAT FOR JUST ANYONE, YOU KNOW.
I KNOW.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT MEANS TO ME? THAT YOU WANTED TO GIVE ME PLEASURE THAT MUCH? I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER.
WHICH IS WHY I ENLISTED DETECTIVES CAFFNEY AND LEUELLYN.
THEY'RE THE TWO LESBIANS ON THE FORCE.
I TOLD.
.
.
THEM I WANTED A LITTLE CRASH COURSE OF MY OWN.
NO.
OH, YEAH.
AND.
.
.
HOW'D IT GO? IT WAS VERY INFORMATIVE.
IN FACT, IF YOU'D CARE TO RETIRE TO THE BOUDOIR, I HAVE A HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT TO DO.
Bingo caller: O-79.
Game announcer: .
.
.
RING AROUND THE DILDO! Bingo caller: G-51.
ONE MORE.
ONE MORE.
[ Cheering .]
YOU HAVE PERFECT AIM.
YEAH, EXCEPT AT WHEN I HAVE TO PEE.
OH-H-H.
.
.
FOR YOU.
MY HERO! THAT REMINDS ME OF BEN.
YEAH, IT'S TOO BAD HE COULDN'T COME TO BRIAN'S FILTHY CARNIVAL.
WELL HE'S STILL BUMMED OUT ABOUT PAUL.
OH.
Ben: HEY, YOU GUYS! HI! HOO-HOO.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? IT'S A NIGHT OF FUN AND SURPRISES! I'LL SAY! COME ON, YOU! WOO! WOW.
WHERE ARE THEY HEADING OFF TO? WHO KNOWS? BATHTUB RACES? WHAT SHOULD WE DO NEXT? WHAT SHOULD WE DO NEXT? DILDO SWALLOWER! DILDO SWALLOWER! [ Excited screams .]
Melanie: CHANGED MY ASS.
BRIAN'S STILL THE SAME IRRESPONSIBLE FUCKER HE ALWAYS WAS.
SHHH.
ON THE OTHER HAND, HE DID MAKE THE CENTER ALMOST 100,000, MINUS HIS PERCENTAGE.
YEAH, AND HUMILIATE THEM IN THE PROCESS.
THAT DIDN'T STOP THEM FROM ACCEPTING THE MONEY.
HM? IT SERVED AS A GOOD REMINDER.
OF WHAT? THAT HE'S A LOOSE CANNON.
NOT TO BE TRUSTED.
AND DEFINITELY NOT THE KIND OF PERSON I WANT AS THE FATHER OF MY CHILD.
OH, COME ON.
I'M SERIOUS.
NO, YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.
YOU ACTUALLY EXPECT ME TO HAVE A BABY WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT? I DID.
WELL, THAT WAS YOUR DECISION.
THIS ONE'S MINE.
AND I SAY I WANT SOMEONE ELSE.
[ Sigh .]
Bingo caller: COME ON, EVERY- BODY, IT'S B-5.
Game announcer: COME ON.
STEP UP.
PUT THE RING AROUND THE DILDO.
[ Mixed shouts/ laughter .]
Bingo caller: B-6.
.
.
O-69.
WE HAVE A BINGO! Game announcer: TRY THAT FOR WHIP-O-RAMA! YOU MADE IT.
THOUGHT I'D SEE HOW IT WAS GOING.
WHERE'S IAN? ETHAN.
.
.
IS WITH HIS FRIENDS.
YOU SHOULD'VE BROUGHT HIM.
NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
MAYBE HE COULD'VE LEARNED A FEW THINGS THEY DON'T TEACH IN COLLEGE.
I GUESS I BETTER GO.
TELL IAN WE MISSED HIM.
[ Quiet chatter .]
YOU WANT TO REMOVE YOUR ASS? GROOVY CAR.
THANKS.
I ALWAYS WANTED ONE.
NO SHIT.
MUST'VE COST A LOT.
WELL ACTUALLY, IT WAS A.
.
.
CHARITABLE CONTRIBUTION.
SO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE? I'D LIKE THAT.
[ Ignition of engine .]
j& IT'S TIME TO TAKE CONTROL AGAIN j& j& AND BE THE ONLY ONE j& j& IT'S TIME TO TAKE CONTROL AGAIN j& j& AND BE THE ONLY ONE j& j& 'CAUSE I JUST WANNA PLAY WITH MYSELF j& j& AND I DON'T NEED ANYONE ELSE j& j& RISING WITH THE SONS OF MADNESS j& j& CROSSING OVER THE ROAD j& j& IT'S TIME TO TAKE CONTROL AGAIN j& j& AND BE THE ONLY ONE j& j& IT'S TIME TO SELL YOUR SOUL AGAIN j& j& AND BE THE HOLY ONE j& j& 'CAUSE I JUST WANNA FINISH THIS RACE j& j& AND I DON'T WANNA LOSE MY FACE j& j& LOOKING FOR A NEW DIRECTION j& j& CROSSING OVER THE ROAD j& j& SO WELCOME TO THE OTHER SIDE j& j& DON'T BE AFRAID TO TESTIFY j& j& IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO GET YOU HIGH j& j& REACHING FOR SOMEBODY IN YOUR IMAGE WORLD j& j& WAITING FOR A SIGN j& j& OF A CHANGE j& j& CROSSING OVER THE ROAD j& j& IT'S TIME TO TAKE CONTROL AGAIN j& j& AND BE THE ONLY ONE j& j& IT'S TIME TO PLAY YOUR ROLE AGAIN j& j& AND BE THE HOLY ONE j& j& 'CAUSE I DON'T THINK j& j& THAT ANYONE KNOWS j& j& SO WELCOME TO THE OTHER SIDE j& j& DON'T BE AFRAID TO CRUCIFY j& j& IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO FREE YOUR MIND j& j& REACHING FOR SOMEBODY IN YOUR IMAGE WORLD j& j& WAITING FOR SOME KIND OF A CHANGE j& MOO.
j& CROSSING OVER THE ROAD j&