Roseanne s03e03 Episode Script

What a brutal fight.
I can't believe that little Venezuela guy's still standing! Whoa! He's down, ladies and gentlemen! Arturo Guadalupe is down! Get up, you wimp.
You're not even bleeding yet.
Geez.
Cheer up, Darlene.
Maybe he's dead.
It's over.
Bag him and tag him.
Mom, help me with my hair.
What's wrong? It just lays there and does nothing.
Trying to look all grown up for Robert? Get human.
I hear he does the nasty with college girls.
Well, I hope he gets extra credit for that.
He just dated some senior who takes some college classes.
No big deal.
No, of course not.
What do you think, Dan? Pigtails? Works for me.
Just forget it.
I'll do it myself.
Good luck covering up those fresh zits tonight, Princess.
You're just jealous 'cause I'm anatomically correct.
And I bet you can't wait to show Robert.
You're such a virgin.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! You tell them, Dan.
She's pathetic.
She's never even been kissed.
Like I don't have enough spit of my own.
Well, you've been a lovely couple.
Thanks for playing our game.
You'll die without ever getting to first base.
Oh, go suck a tongue.
Darlene, go do the dishes.
Becky, go upstairs and shave something.
And, you They won't always be this cute.
I know.
I hear once they hit 30, they start developing their own personalities and stuff.
Have you talked to Becky about birth control? Yeah.
I sat her down and said, "Becky, don't.
" Roseanne.
She'll never get undressed in front of a guy.
She thinks her butt's too big.
I've been thinking.
Maybe you should talk to her.
Maybe you should talk to her.
Well, good point, my pet.
All right.
Maybe I'll have the talk with her.
We're not telling her to go have sex.
She doesn't need our permission.
Yeah.
Well, tell her never, never trust guys because we lie big time.
I had this buddy Very successful with ladies.
He'd tell them they wouldn't get pregnant if they jumped up and down afterwards.
Yeah.
Phil Diangelo.
How did you know about that? You know, I believe I will have that talk with Becky.
I told you about that, right? Fine.
Fine.
And a 9er for Brian and a 7 for Chicago skinny and his faithful sidekick Shrimpo.
Hey.
I ain't a Shrimpo.
She's just trying to rile us.
These dealers is wily.
Hit me.
All right.
21 on the nose.
No fair.
He can add.
What will you yahoos do? Hit me.
D.
J.
, we got 17.
You never hit 17, especially when you're betting five pretzels, understand? Yeah.
Hit me.
10 and bust.
Too bad, suckers.
There's a town in the desert with bright lights waiting for you, boy.
Too bad you're going to the movies, dad.
The bulls game will be great.
I'd love to watch the game, but Debra Winger's coughing up a lung at the cineplex.
In Dolby.
How come we can't ever do anything fun with Gary and Jackie? Because they're family.
Did you talk to Becky I will.
Wow.
You look incredible.
Really? Yes.
Get in the kitchen.
Um What do you know about birth control? Nothing.
I swear.
Really.
Oh, no.
This is going to be like the talk, right? Here.
It's easier to squirm sitting down.
I'm not sleeping with anyone, if that's what you're worried about.
I know that, Becky.
Would you be willing to swear on a Bible to make it official? Mom, I know all about birth control.
So then you know about not getting pregnant by jumping up and down afterwards? Brian, let's go shoot some hoops until the game starts.
Can I come? No.
Ok.
Hey, Gary.
Hey, Dan.
Jacks, you and Rosie pick another female movie to torture us with? What's wrong, Dan? Can't handle a little emotion and sensitivity? Oh, yeah, right.
I love you, but I'm dying.
Oh, no.
You can't die because I'm dying.
Oh, really? What's killing you? A woman's disease.
Hey, me, too.
Yeah.
Like they'd really have the same disease.
Where's Roseanne? Kitchen.
Giving Becky the zero population growth speech.
Really? Maybe she could use some help.
I'm not bragging, but when it comes to birth control, I've tried To read just about every book on the subject.
Hi.
Hi, Jackie.
Beat it.
We're talking.
Oh.
Well, I'm going to get a glass of water.
I have to go in the store and buy condoms myself? God, how embarrassing.
You don't have to buy them.
You could use the rhythm method.
Oh, does it work? Ask your brother.
Thirsty.
What about the sponge? Is that pretty much foolproof? Well, I don't have any statistics on this kind of stuff Um-hum.
But then why not hear it from an expert? You're on, professor Jackie.
Well, if you're sure.
I'm not.
All right.
Now, although some of your sponges can help prevent some disease, they're only about 80% effective against pregnancy, so better still is your condom-sponge combo.
Used correctly, we're talking Fort Knox security at a price you can afford.
I'm telling mom.
But doesn't all that stuff kill the mood? Not as much as a screaming baby with a loaded diaper.
[Knock on door.]
Oh, that's Robert.
We're through, right? Well, you tell me.
I'm still not going to do anything.
Well, now that's 100% effective.
Yeah.
Uh Mom couldn't talk to us about birth control.
She couldn't even talk about sex.
Sex.
She told me it was something people did in Europe.
She did try and talk about it once, remember? She said if we let a boy go all the way, then we would be called loose or slutty, like that was going to stop us.
She should have told us we'd be called mommy.
So What did you tell your girls? What? About having sex.
You were right there.
You heard what I said.
That was birth control.
Same thing.
It is not.
It is, too.
Roseanne, I'm not talking about mechanics.
I'm talking about when a guy kisses you behind your ear, and you start getting all weird.
These are my daughters you're talking about, Jackie.
Roseanne, I'm amazed.
This isn't like you at all.
You know who? I am not like mom! Give us a break.
Jordan's missed three in a row.
It looks like he's pushing the ball.
He should be popping it.
So he gets more backspin.
Time out.
Bulls.
Finally.
Oh, great.
Here come the bimbo cheerleaders.
Maybe he's not getting enough arc on the ball.
What do you think, Brian? Brian? Huh? You actually like watching those dancing potato heads? Well, I don't know.
Oh, wow.
They're all doing splits.
Oh, did I say potato heads? I was wrong.
I must have meant geniuses.
So, uh, what about the cheerleaders at school? What about them? You think they're pretty? Yeah.
Some of them.
You won't believe what Vicki Womack said yesterday.
She said I should try out for cheerleader.
Good one.
Yeah.
That's what I said.
I'm not even close to being pretty enough, right? You're just not the right type, that's all.
I think cheerleaders are stupid.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Hey, Brian.
What? What was that for? For thinking cheerleaders are stupid.
Oh.
Well, I don't think they're stupid.
I think they're complete idiots.
That movie was so sad, so warm, so loving.
I want a beer.
They're in the trunk.
Becky's in the front room with a boy.
Oh Becky.
Darlene? Hi, mommy.
Uh, we'd better go.
Come on.
Are you crazy? Hey, sports fans.
How was the game? Yeah.
I'd like to hear the final score.
The Bulls lost, I think.
What, you guys been wrestling? What did she do, Bri, pin you down? Brian, it's been fun watching the game with you, but it's time for you to go home.
Bye, Darlene.
See you at school tomorrow.
Ok.
Hey.
Come back soon, buddy.
I'll be upstairs.
Good night, kiddo.
What? Dan, they were making out.
Right.
Did you notice how her blouse was, uh Like it hadn't been on her back the whole night.
That's great.
That's just great.
Where are you going? I want to make sure Brian gets home all right.
Yeah.
Some big guy in a truck might plow him over.
What, did you forget your shotgun? Darlene! Yelling at her won't solve anything.
I want to explain that she's not to touch boys.
If you do that, she'll have a family of four by the time she graduates.
Yeah? Go to your room.
It's really not all that bad.
Not now, Jackie, all right? I was her age when Doug Brock got to second base with me.
It was during a football game.
We were under a big blanket.
Honey, buy me a cup of coffee? I'm helping, Gary.
I'll be at home if you need me.
Take it easy, Dan.
Yeah.
Roseanne, Darlene's 14 years old.
Well, Becky was 14 when she started dating.
Becky's not Darlene.
She's not stupid enough to get caught groping on her parents' couch.
I don't mean that.
Darlene's different.
She plays sports.
Well, she's got a new sport.
You're just all upset because you and Darlene are so close.
I'm close with Becky, too.
You never got upset about Becky doing this.
Becky's older.
No.
It's about the fact that you all watch games on TV together and work in the yard together, and you shoot hoopies out in the driveway.
Hoopies.
I'm not excited about it either, but it's not the end of the world.
I mean, face it, honey.
Your son is becoming a woman.
Hi.
How did it go? Great.
I'm going upstairs and jump up and down now.
Good night, Becky.
Oh, it's just you.
Sorry.
How was your date? Well, he's a great kisser, not that you'd know the difference.
Did you get felt up? No.
I did.
I don't believe you.
Me and Brian made out tonight.
What? You never even went out.
So? We played basketball almost every day.
It's not the same thing.
How do you know he won't tell everybody at school? I told him I'd punch his face in.
That could work.
Mom and Dad caught us.
Oh, god.
Did they freak? Not yet.
So how was it? The kissing was pretty good.
Well, what about the other stuff? Better than volleyball and yet not quite as good as hockey.
Look, Darlene, you can't be doing this, ok? You got to make guys treat you a certain way.
You call the shots.
Make them beg, right? Basically.
My dainty daughters.
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
How long have you been spying? 15 years.
I'm getting good, huh? So is it official? Am I grounded forever? Why, no.
We're throwing a special debutante party to celebrate this special moment.
Your dad's on the phone hiring the band.
Great.
Torture me, then ground me.
I want you to tell me all about it, lover girl.
Wait.
I have a better idea.
Don't tell me, and I'll be surprised when I read your diary.
You're hysterical.
So you really go for this dating stuff, huh? I wanted to see what it was like, so I kissed him.
I didn't have to drown my face in mascara like some Barbie dolls who shall remain nameless.
So you really showed Becky, huh? That's not why I did it.
At first, maybe, but then it was different.
And then, maybe, things went a little too far? Maybe.
You think he'll ever talk to me again? Well, you did use him like a cheap piece of meat.
Guys love that.
What about you and Robert? Any wedding plans I should know about while your dad's hiring the band? Oh, right.
Like I'll let him pick the music.
Listen Girls.
Sex Is something that Is not even going to be good until, you know, you're older.
Mother.
No, no.
We've never really talked about sex, and I think we should discuss it now.
All right.
Go ahead.
Well, ok.
Um Well, if you were, to, like, do it now, sure you'd have some pleasure, but It would be a lot better if You're saying we're too young to go all the way.
Your body and your mind have to reach maturity.
Yeah.
You don't want to regret it.
You have to love the guy.
Yeah.
And, you know You'd like to make sure That you respect him.
Or it's meaningless.
And he respects you.
And he respects you.
Right.
It's a beautiful thing.
Right.
Well, then.
Well, I guess I feel really good about our little chat.
You guys feel good about it? Oh Absolutely.
- Definitely.
- Definitely.
Well Well, that's great, then.
All right.
That's great.
Ok.
Well, good night, girls.
Good night, mom.
I love you, mom.
I love you, too.
Good night.
Good night.
How lame.
Oh, geez.
Hi.
Come on.
Try to get by me.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Ok.
My turn.
Roseanne.
I don't need a pep talk.
No.
I want to shoot hoopies.
See if you can get by me.
Ok.
Give it to me.
I'll inbound it to you.
What's inbound? Another word for sucker.
Did you tell Darlene about the I told her to slow down.
That all? I told both of them that sex wouldn't be that great till they were, like, 27.
27? Well, maybe that's just me.
You were there for me.
That's all that's important.
No matter what I told them, that can't compare to what they're telling each other.
Want to make some popcorn and go listen? No.
You want to watch TV? Bonanza's on.
Nah.
I'll hang out down here and sink some more, ok? Ok.
So, dad Want to take the Bears for a buck? Nah.
That's ok.
How many points you giving? Paper said 7.
6 1/2.
I'll get the sodas.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
He's going deep.
Oh, he dropped it.
Man, great pass, though.
Montana is definitely on.
He's got the best arm in the league.
And a nice butt, too.