Rules of Engagement s03e03 Episode Script

Oh, for God's sake, just use a toothpick.
Done.
Sesame seed dislodged.
Oh, put it back and I divorce you.
I divorce you.
You won.
Did I? Okay, I bet Jeff will know.
It's not important.
Okay.
Who's that actor who's in all those movies? Little early in the morning for this.
No, he was in one of the Speeds.
Bus or boat? Bus.
But not the main guy.
Jeff Daniels.
Yes.
Told you he'd know.
Super.
Now we can move on with our lives.
What about Jeff Daniels? I just saw a guy who kind of looked like him.
For my time.
Hey, Jeff.
Brad.
This is my wife, Audrey.
Hi.
These are our friends Adam and Jennifer.
Hey.
I met Brad at the gym.
He had my back in a fight.
It wasn't exactly a fight.
We banded together against a pregnant woman who wanted to watch The View.
All she got was a view of us watching sports.
We make a good team.
They should make a buddy cop show about us.
Yeah, like, uh, LethalWeapon.
It's got a black guy and a white guy.
I'll be the black guy.
I never get to be the black guy.
Oh, you know who would be good on that show? Who's that short guy? The one that's funny? Maybe just look at a menu for a bit.
Hey, if you're interested, some pals and I are getting together at a sports bar to watch the game.
You're welcome to join.
"Sports" and "bar.
" My two favorite words.
Where's the word "wife" on that list? Right between "refill" and "bacon.
" I'll text you the details.
Nice to have met you.
See you, Jeffrey.
I gotta say, I'm a little proud of myself.
Before you met me, you would never have had a friend like Brad.
What are you talking about? I got a bunch of black friends.
The Knicks are not your friends.
Not the way they're playing now.
I meant a gay friend.
What? Who's gay? I mean, gay.
I I think Brad might be gay.
Yeah, I got that vibe too.
Why? Was he checking me out? He was checking me out, wasn't he? No.
No, he was.
You probably didn't notice it.
I get that kind of heat all the time.
Yes, and it's not weird at all that you're proud of it.
Sorry to disappoint you, but Brad's not gay.
He just got married.
Really? Yeah.
Up in Boston.
Oh.
Where it's legal to pronounce a couple "husband and husband.
" Oh, come on.
Well, have you met his wife? No, she's out of town.
What's her name? I think Jackie.
Oh, like Jackie Gleason.
Jackie Robinson.
Jackie Chan.
Jackie! That's the short guy that I was thinking of.
Look, Brad's not gay.
I can tell.
How? Because we showered in a room full of guys and he didn'treact.
Oh, you checked? What? No! Just shut up.
He did call you "Jeffrey.
" The only other person who calls you that is the guy that lives upstairs who puts a sweater on his poodle.
And when he left he did say, "Nice to have met you.
" That's kind of gay.
How do you figure? It's just so charming.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the table where happiness goes to die.
This is me new special friend, Amanda.
Hi.
Hi.
Why don't you grab that booth? I'll be there in two seconds.
Okay.
Nice to meet you.
That's how straight people say it.
Look at what she's wearing.
Hopefully she'll be wearing the same thing when she stumbles out of my apartment.
Well, you better set an alarm.
You wouldn't want her to miss homeroom.
I mean, what are you gonna do all day? Lay low, dodge the Amber Alert? Seriously, Russell, she's young enough to be your daughter.
Well, that wraps up this edition of.
"You think it's a shot, I take it as a compliment.
" * How many ways To say, "I love you?" * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * Hey.
Hey, buddy.
You gonna saddle up? Nah.
Today I'm gonna do some weights.
I gotta feed the pythons.
Hey.
What do you think of that? Nice.
Really? Good to know.
You just don't see spandex like that anymore.
Yeah, you don't.
That's a lot of weight.
Ah, it's mostly muscle.
I meant on the bar.
I'd better spot you.
Okay.
All right.
One.
Two.
Three.
I may skip it.
Not feeling it today? Oh, I felt it a little.
You're feeling it tonight.
Looking forward to the game.
Oh, hey, is, uh, Jackie coming? No, no, Jackie is not into sports.
Yeah, neither is my person I'm in a committed relationship with.
Your wife? Yeah.
I call her my "person I'm in a committed relationship with.
" It's a pet name.
What do you call yours? My husband.
And she doesn't mind that? You know I'm gay, right? Of course.
You're gay as hell.
Good.
Because for a second, it sounded like you thought Jackie was a woman.
A woman? No, no, no.
Jackie's a dude.
Just like you.
Otherwise it would be pretty awkward.
Well, nothing more awkward than being gay as hell and finding out the guy you're married to is straight.
Oh, please.
If I had a nickel.
Anyway.
I'll see you later.
Hey, you still got the weight.
It's mostly muscle.
Right? So I said to the limo driver, "If this thing is a stretch, I'm Shaquille O'Neal.
" That's funny.
Yeah.
It is.
Because I'm clearly not him.
I like you, Russell.
Most guys wouldn't hang in there after only getting a peck on the cheek the first two dates.
Well, I think it's very important to get to know someone, uh, emotionally before getting physical.
Physical, of course, still what we're working toward.
Well, good things come to those who wait.
Ah, well, let me take your order because I'm a waiter.
I'll get us some more wine.
Okay, I'll be right here in the waiting room.
Hey, who's this woman in the, uh, picture here with you? Oh, that's my mother.
Okay, uh, remember when Audrey said Amanda was young enough to be my daughter? Yeah.
Yeah.
She may be.
She may literally be my daughter.
How is that possible? I saw a picture of her mom.
It's some girl I had a one-nighter with back in college.
Oh, my God.
You went to college? Wait.
So you and Amanda haven't already No.
No, no, no.
So I'm either proud my little girl's not a slut, or pissed that the ice queen's not giving it up.
Did she freak out when you told her about you and her mother? I didn't tell her.
Why not? I don't wanna ruin any future sex I may be having with her if she's not my daughter.
Oh, that is beautiful.
Does she knows who the father is? I don't know.
Her mom says her real dad is just some scumball that she hooked up with and she's embarrassed she ever slept with him.
So that fits.
Yeah.
I know, right? This is weird.
For you weird, I mean.
Like something that's weird for regular people, is normal for you.
You know? Like, something that'd be weird for you has to be off-the-charts deranged.
Yes, okay, I have a grasp of the situation.
Thank you.
Okay, so you can't date her anymore.
No, no, no.
Not until I get the, uh, test results of the DNA from the lab.
This lab of yours, I assume you have them on a monthly rate? Mm-hm.
You're going CSI? Oh, yeah.
Full on.
I got a hair sample from her brush, and for comparison, a semen sample from me.
Also from her brush? No.
Why didn't you just give them a hair sample too? Oh, that's real fun.
Hey.
Hey.
How was the gym? Gym was good.
Was, uh, Brad there? Yeah.
So? So You were right.
I told you so, Jeffrey.
You don't have to hold it over my head, like Brad did this morning.
I am proud of you.
You made yourself a gay friend.
Well, it would've saved some confusion if he was a little more up front about it.
When you meet people, do you say, "Hi, I'm Jeff.
I'm straight"? Oh, please.
When the sun meets people, does it say.
"Hi, I'm the sun.
I'm hot?" Hard to argue with a sentence that begins, "When the sun meets people.
" Okay, I'm gonna order a large pizza for the game.
What you like on your slice? Make it something I like, just in case.
I thought you were watching the game at the bar with Brad.
Ah, I don't feel like going out.
So you're cancelling on Brad because he's gay? What? No.
I don't care what people do in their own bedrooms.
I could do without their parades screwing up traffic, but whatever.
The Irish and Puerto Ricans do that too.
Why don't you complain when the Mets have a parade? Because they won something.
They don't have a parade just to say: "We're here, we play baseball, get used to it.
" Please tell me you don't talk like this outside our apartment.
I may.
I don't always listen to myself.
Well you should, Jeff, because you sound kind of homophobic.
You were going to watch the game with Brad, you found out he was gay, you cancelled.
Not because he was gay.
Then why? We have nothing in common.
You have watching the game in common.
It would be like watching with someone who speaks a different language.
If I watched with a French guy, I'd be like, "Great play.
" And he'd be like, "Ooh-la-la, Camembert, souffle.
" Wow.
Tell yourself anything you want.
You don't wanna hang out with a gay person.
Or a French person.
Look, it's not like we're gonna be buddies.
What if we're at the diner with the guys complaining about women? What's poor Brad gonna do? Why don't you just not complain about women? It's not really up to me, is it? All right.
Yay or nay on this pie? Unbelievable.
What? You.
You are homophobic.
That is ridiculous.
No, you know damn well if Brad were straight, you would be at that bar tonight.
And the fact you're not, that makes you a homophobe.
All right, that's it.
Where are you going? I'm gonna watch the game with Brad and his gay pals.
You will see that I am not a homophobe.
I am a homofriend.
This place is sweet.
Thanks for inviting me.
Well, didn't want you to waste that heat-seeking shirt.
Oh, thanks.
You know, I just got this.
It's actually a cotton poly-blend Shut up.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Glad you came along.
Nice shirt.
Thanks, man.
Little hot in here, isn't it? Game started yet? No, Fergie just finished dry-humping the national anthem.
Oh, say can you see the Botox? Fergie.
Oh, uh, William, Roger, Adam, Jeffrey.
Jeff.
Just Jeff.
No Frey.
Jeff and I belong to the same club.
Health club.
You know, a gym.
My wife's a member too.
My wife Audrey, woman.
Jeff is straight, in case anyone missed that sledgehammer.
Uh, I'll go get us some drinks.
I'll go with you.
Hold on a second.
I wanna ask you something.
Come here.
Come here.
What do you think about Adam and Roger? Uh, no, no, no.
Adam's not gay.
Are you sure? No, I'm not.
I just can't tell anymore.
And that haircut doesn't exactly scream, "I like girls.
" All right, beers for you guys, and I decided to try a sea breeze.
Does that drink comes with a blouse? Of course not, and why would it? In fact, let me try.
Wow, that is refreshing.
Brad, would you like to try that? Really? I get to be the third mouth on that straw? Maybe that busboy with the cold sore should get in there first.
Whoa, check out that play.
Oh.
I got that guy on my fantasy team.
You know, Jeff plays fantasy baseball.
Oh yeah? Who's on your team? Oh, well, I just got A-Rod.
I didn't just get a rod.
I just picked up Alex Rodriguez.
I didn't pick him up, I traded for him.
So to sum it up, you have Alex Rodriguez, and you don't have an erection.
My current status.
Oh, jeez, too much head.
God.
Excuse me.
What was that? Did you have a stroke or something? Why A-Rod? Why couldn't I've said, Albert Pujols? Pujols.
That's worse than A-Rod.
You're freaking yourself out.
I don't know what's happening.
In my ears everything I say sounds wrong.
In everyone else's ears too.
Maybe Audrey was right.
I am uncomfortable around gay people.
Mm.
Doesn't seem like a picnic for them either.
I gotta get out of here before I say something really stupid.
Well, you better leave Are you coming? Hell, no.
I still got half a breeze left.
Jeffrey.
Where you going? You know what? Audrey just called and she wants me home.
I am so disappointed.
I didn't think you were that kind of guy.
I'm sorry.
But my father was very old-fashioned Dude, you are so whipped.
What? Well, your wife calls, and you come running home.
I told Jackie I was working late tonight.
Right, I am that kind of guy.
Uh You lied to Jackie? Well, his parents are in town, I needed a break.
No, no.
I get it.
By the way, I am not whipped.
I lie to Audrey all the time.
Yeah? Well, what are you using now, because Jackie is starting to catch on to the working late thing.
I've had some success with broken down subway.
And, uh, stuck in elevator and fight with hot dog vendor.
That one's often not a lie.
Okay, but how do you keep track of all of them? I keep a chart in my wallet.
I would very much like to see that.
Buy me a beer and I'll show it to you.
After the beer do I still get to see the chart? That's some good gay humor there.
All right.
Yes, I know I've called twice, but I'm kind of anxious for the results.
Fine, but if this were in Las Vegas Grissom would've cracked this case hours ago.
Oh, hey, Amanda.
What are you doing here? Well, like I said, good things come to those who wait.
And you've waited, so Oh, holy moley.
It's time for your good thing.
Okay, come to Daddy.
Oh, wait.
That's right, that's right, that's right.
What's the matter? I don't know.
Maybe nothing.
I'm not sure yet.
You seem confused.
No, it's just right now my brain is making decisions that are usually made elsewhere.
Maybe this will help clear things up.
Cover yourself up, young lady! Who was that? Is this a role-playing thing? If it were up to me, of course it would be.
But it's just not a good time.
Sorry.
Come on.
I'm here, barely wearing anything, wanting you.
No, not there.
Okay.
Heh-heh.
Uh, you know my house, my rules, so Russell, are you not attracted to me? No, of course I am.
I mean I-I should be, probably.
You know, depending on how it turns up.
Um, I think I'm gonna have to call it a night.
So I'll have to ask you to leave.
But why? Because I said so, missy.
That's why.
Now scoot.
I'm sorry.
Ah.
Guess I'll go prepare another sample for the lab.
Yes, it does back up traffic, as do all parades.
But I wouldn't know who to talk to about that.
So I have another question.
All right, but not another one about Anderson Cooper.
With two guys, you guys must be pretty much doing it all the time, right? With no woman there to say no.
It's still a marriage.
There's always someone there to say no.
Huh.
So when you're done with sex, does one of you wanna cuddle and the other one wants to watch SportCenter? Yeah, does, like, Jackie gets upset when you leave the toilet seat up? Why don't you write all these down and I'll get back to you? Oh, excuse me, can I get a vanilla sundae, no nuts, please? Thank you.
Wow.
No nuts is right, Sea Breeze.
Yeah, try not to spill any on your panties.
Hey, I switched back to beer.
Yeah, after the white wine spritzer.
Roger bought that for me.
It would have been rude not to drink it.
Hey, I got the results of the DNA test.
Russell, this is Brad, he's gay.
Brad, this is Russell, he almost slept with his own daughter.
And I made you uncomfortable? Well? Is she your daughter? I don't know.
I haven't opened it.
And I'm not going to.
Why not? Well, I don't wanna know either way.
I mean, if it is my daughter, clearly the mom doesn't want me in her life, and I have to respect that.
And if she isn't, I'd just be disappointed.
Thought of having a child might give some meaning to my life, or a sense of purpose She's not your daughter.
Gotta go.
So anyway, now that we're getting married, I've decided to try and stop getting heat from other people.
Oh.
Thanks, sweetie.
I only hope I can give you all the heat you deserve.
I know you'll try your best.
Here you go, sweetie.
I-I can't turn it off.
Hey.
Hey.
Guess where my evolved, open-minded husband just was? Playing basketball with his new gay friend.
Wow.
Is he any good? Surprisingly, not a great ball-handler.
Okay.
Jeff, no more gay jokes.
Okay.
What are you drinking? Mm.
It's a virgin sea breeze.
Go ahead.