The Golden Girls (1985) s03e03 Episode Script

(music) Thank you for being a friend (music) Traveled down the road and back again (music) Your heart is true (music) You're a pal and a confidant (music) And if you threw a party (music) Invited everyone you knew (music) You would see (music) The biggest gift would be from me (music) And the card attached would say (music) Thank you for being a friend (music) [Door bell rings.]
Is this 6151 Richmond Street? - Ma, what's the matter? - Dorothy, thank God it's you.
I broke my glasses at the mall and I can't see a thing.
It took it took me six hours to find my way home.
Ma, if you couldn't see, why didn't you call me to come get you? I tried to, but every time I put in a dime and dialed, a condom popped out.
I got five in my pocket.
Here, Dorothy.
A lifetime supply.
Dorothy, which one of these necklaces looks better with this dress? This gold chain or the pearls? They both look nice, Blanche.
I'm not sure about the pearls.
Do pearls nestled in the ample cleavage revealed by my low-cut gown somehow might suggest I'm nothing but a cheap, easy, good time? They might.
That settles it.
Pearls it is.
Blanche, you look terrific.
You look like you lost 15 pounds.
Thank you, Sophia.
Oh, that's your thigh.
I thought it was part of the couch.
Blanche, try to remember, gravy isn't a beverage.
Blanche, Ma broke her glasses.
She can't see a thing.
- [Blanche.]
Hi, Rose.
- Hi, Rose.
What's the matter, honey? Something wrong? Yes no.
Well, I guess yes and no.
Honey, what is it? I found out this morning I'm gonna be a mother again.
We've been over this a hundred times.
You cannot get pregnant using the toilet at the mall.
I bet it's a boy.
You're carrying really high in the front.
I'm not having a baby.
I'm getting a baby.
I got a telegram that my Uncle Hingeblotter had passed away and left me custody of his baby.
[Gasps.]
Oh, my God.
What are you gonna do? I'm not sure.
I've always dreamed of the chance to be a mother again, but it's a big responsibility.
Oh, it sure is.
I'm not sure I could raise another baby at my age, and I'm far younger than you.
And prettier.
Not that prettier has anything to do with it, but I just am.
You know, Rose, I have a confession to make.
I have always dreamed of the chance to raise another baby.
Well, Dorothy, if you're lucky, maybe someday one of your uncles will drop dead.
What I mean, Rose, is that if you decide to raise this child, I think I'd like to help you.
Really? Wait a minute, if you both want to raise this child, why, I might even consider it myself.
But you said you didn't want to be a mother again.
But I meant by myself.
As long as you all are around to change its diapers and clean up when it spits up and pees, I'd love to be a mother again.
Are you girls sure you wanna do this? Look, I know it's gonna be a lot of work, but oh, it'd be worth it to hear a baby's laugh around the house.
Oh, come on, let's do it.
What do you say, Ma? What choice do I have? If I say no, I'll be back at the home building log cabins out of popsicle sticks.
Then it's settled.
I'll call the lawyer and tell him to bring the baby.
Did he say if it's a boy or a girl? He didn't say, but it must be one or the other.
You been watching PBS again, Rose? Dorothy? Dorothy, I'm going to my bedroom.
I want to lie down for a while.
[Brakes screech, horn honks.]
Ma? Dorothy, who the hell parked a Buick in my bedroom? Sophia! Rose, what are you doing in the bathroom? Ma, this is the kitchen.
Oh, boy, if this is the kitchen, I'm poaching an egg in the toilet.
Dorothy, look at this old picture I found.
That's me at 15, standing next to my Uncle Hingeblotter.
Who's the other guy? That's my uncle's half-brother: Inkeblotter.
Oh, girls, we have a big problem.
What is it, Blanche? - Well, we're all women.
- No.
- Sure we are, Dorothy.
- Oh, shut up.
I'm reading the Spock book on baby care, and he says it's important for a child to have a male role model during its formative years.
- What are we gonna do? - We'll wear Yankee caps and scratch our behinds after every beer.
Oh, Blanche, we don't have anything to worry about.
If we give that baby love and attention and understanding, it'll turn out fine.
That's beautiful.
Besides, what does Spock know about raising babies? On Vulcan, all the kids are born in pods.
Rose, I know this is a long shot, but, did you take much acid during the '60s? [Doorbell rings.]
- Is, uh, Rose Nylund here? - I'm Rose Nylund.
Well, I'm Chester T.
McRainey, legal counsel to your late Uncle Hingeblotter.
Oh, we've been waiting for you.
Did you bring the baby? - I brought him.
- Him, did you hear that, girls? Does he look anything like me? Uh, well judge for yourself.
Come on, Baby.
Come on, Baby.
Well, uh, maybe just a little around the eyes.
What in hell is going on here? This is Baby.
Five-time blue ribbon winner at the Minnesota State Fair.
This sweet little thing was your uncle's pride and joy.
Oh, my God.
That's the cutest baby I've ever seen.
Ma, it's a pig! You were no great looker when I brought you home from the hospital.
I loved you anyway.
Well, he sure is cute.
Come here, Baby.
Oh, I haven't had a pig as a pet since I was a little girl.
Just forget that.
I want that filthy beast out of my house now.
Fine, your cousin Gunther will be happy to take Baby, as well as the $100,000 that comes along with him.
I beg your pardon? Uncle Hingeblotter was a very rich man.
And he loved this pig dearly.
That's why he left you $100,000 to make sure Baby would be well taken care of.
Well, I'd take care of him for free.
Oh, shut up, Rose.
How long does Rose have to take care of this pig before she gets the money? Well, as long as he lives.
Oh, forget it.
I'd split the money with you girls.
Forget it.
- How long does a pig live? - 25 years.
Forget it.
How old is this pig? Welcome, Baby! Hi, Dorothy.
Hi, Ma.
Dorothy, how do you make your voice do that? Here, honey, I picked up your new glasses.
Oh, thank God.
Now I can see.
Wait a minute.
These are no good.
- The wrong prescription? - No, the wrong frames.
I specifically asked for old lady smoky green.
These are black.
I look like Buddy Holly.
There you are.
You get in the kitchen and eat your slop before I spank that little pink fanny.
All right, I'm going.
I'm going.
Oh, sorry, that's the way they used to call us for dinner at the home.
Go on, Baby, go on.
Go on.
Rose, I thought we decided that that pig was gonna stay in the pen out back.
He didn't like it there.
It was too confining.
Oh, but Baby's a free spirit.
A wanderer.
A rebel.
You know, in a lot of ways he reminds me of Jimmy Dean.
The actor or the sausage? You know, Dorothy, I was thinking, how wonderful it is to have a pig living here.
This morning I was all snugly warm under the covers and I opened my eyes and there was Baby, fast asleep at the foot of the bed, like a sweet angel.
That is sweet.
Rose, how long do you think it'll be before the pig is dead? - Did Baby do something wrong? - No, no.
Not unless you count that when he burps, it smells like four burning tires.
Girls, I'm just so mad.
That pig tore up my nightgown last night.
The people you date are from foreign countries.
They play by different rules.
Oh, I'm talking about Baby.
I never should've let that barnyard beast in my house in the first place.
He ruins my clothes, smells up the whole house, and he likes to watch me take a shower.
He's a pig.
There's no accounting for taste.
I didn't realize Baby was such an inconvenience.
I'm sorry.
I'll call my relatives and see if somebody can take him off my hands.
Him, and the $100,000.
Remember, Blanche, the pig is gonna drop any day.
Rose.
Come back here, honey.
I guess maybe I was a little bit too hasty.
Baby isn't really that much trouble.
Heck, this is an old nightgown, and, well, he is kind of cute.
He's not the first pig to watch you shower, and that's my last pig joke, I swear it.
Then it's all right? He can stay? Well, of course he can, honey.
That's great.
I'll go tell him the good news.
I won't be able to get off work tomorrow.
Can somebody else give Baby his lunch? - Don't look at me.
I won't do it.
- Why not? What you two are doing is making me sick.
Degrading yourself by living with a filthy animal.
And for what? Money.
It's humiliating.
I don't want any part of it.
- What if we cut you in? - What time does he eat? Girls, girls! Come quick, Baby just collapsed.
Now I know how Johnny Carson feels.
Baby.
Poor Baby.
This morning he was so full of life, and now he looks just terrible.
Rose, honey, don't torture yourself.
Now, Baby is very, very old.
Whenever one of God's creatures outlives its normal life expectancy, why, it can go any minute.
Would you mind not looking at me when you say that? Does anybody know where the thermometer is? Sure, in the medicine cabinet.
Why? I wanna take Baby's temperature.
Although, I'm not sure what the normal temperature is for a pig.
I know a ham turns out nicely at 325.
Ohhhh.
I'm sorry, Rose, I don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm delirious with grief.
So, what are you gonna do with your share of the money? Oh, come on, Blanche, the pig isn't dead.
He's sick.
The money never even crossed my mind.
Then what were you doing with these EF Hutton brochures? Ma, you took those out of my purse.
No, no, they fell out when I was taking out a 20.
I'm sure not putting my money into stocks and bonds.
Hey, this is found money.
This is fun money.
This is hot beaches and sweaty men money.
Getting naked and rolling around on the ground money.
Even your money has more fun than I do.
[Dorothy laughs.]
Boy, it's great being rich.
I can't believe we spent so much money that we don't have yet.
Relax.
When I looked in on Baby this morning, he was a half hour away from Sizzilean.
Oh! Well, Rose Nylund, shame on you.
With a gentleman caller in the middle of the afternoon.
He's not a gentleman caller.
He's a veterinarian, here to see Baby.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Uh, how is Baby, doc? I read in Newsweek they ran him out of Haiti.
How is Baby? Not very well, I'm afraid.
I don't think he has much time left.
- Oh, that's too bad.
- Tragic.
- Terrible.
- But there's hope! [All three.]
What? There's really nothing wrong with Baby, physically.
He has a mental problem.
Four grown women decide to live with a pig, and he's the one with the mental problem? Well, I wouldn't exactly call it a mental problem.
When you take an animal out of its natural environment, it's not uncommon for it to have a hard time adjusting to new surroundings.
Are you trying to tell us that that pig is dying of homesickness? In a way, yes.
My recommendation is to get him back to the farm.
Once he's home, he should do a lot better.
- Thank you very much.
- [Rose.]
Thank you.
Oh, I guess we have no choice.
I'll call my relatives in Minnesota and make arrangements to send Baby to the farm.
[All.]
No! I'm just as disappointed as you are! Oh, it's been great having a pig living in the house.
But we can't jeopardize Baby's health, the doctor said so.
Please, what does he know? He's not a real doctor.
He makes his living sticking thermometers up a cat's behind.
Well, I don't know, he seemed pretty sure.
Honey, doctors make mistakes, too.
I still think we ought to send Baby home.
Rose, do you realize how far away home is? Baby is sick.
Why, the plane trip alone could kill him.
[Blanche.]
Even if he did get home safely, who knows what kind of care he'd get? Nobody loves that pig as much as you do.
As much as we all do.
If you all think it's best, I guess he should stay.
Oh, thank you for caring so much.
I want you to know that poor, sick, helpless pig in there appreciates what you're doing, too.
I'm gonna look in on Baby.
You're the best friends I've ever had in my life.
I feel terrible.
I feel miserable.
Let's go shopping.
Hi, Dorothy.
Oh, Blanche, Blanche.
I am so glad you came back.
- Listen, I have to talk to you.
- I have to talk to you, too.
And it's about the money.
That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about.
I have been so worried.
The way we've been spending this money is wrong.
Blanche, I could not agree with you more.
Honey, I've been up half the night worrying about how foolish we've been, spending all that money on silly little things that we don't need.
I am so relieved.
Oh, I just knew you would agree that combining our money to buy one big thing was the best idea.
I just hope you like it in light blue.
Like what in light blue? - [Car horn honks.]
- We'll be right out, Sophia.
- Blanche, that's a Mercedes.
- I know it.
Don't you just love it? It's ours.
Blanche, you don't understand.
I wanted to give up the money and send Baby home.
No, you can't do that.
We lied to Rose.
We tricked her into jeopardizing the life of an animal, just to make a fast buck.
We have to tell her the truth.
I cannot let you do this.
Get out of my way.
I want that car.
I will give you anything.
We have to tell Rose the truth.
I'll give you one of my sons.
I have given this a lot of thought.
I have had four kids, I have never had a Mercedes.
What do you say? Which one do you want? Biff, Doug, Skippy? No, don't take Skippy, he's got asthma.
Blanche, this has gone far enough.
Rose? Honey, I want to talk to you.
Now don't bother Rose.
She's busy.
Oh, it's okay.
I was just thumbing through the old family album.
Here's a picture of Baby when he was younger.
Wasn't he an impressive sight? Oh, yes, Rose.
But then again, who isn't when he's caught relieving himself and eating dinner at the same time? Well, I think Baby looks a whole lot better today.
A pig isn't supposed to be green, Blanche.
Oh! Rose, I have a confession to make.
When I said I thought Baby shouldn't go back to the farm, I wasn't thinking of him.
I was thinking of myself.
I was acting out of greed.
I wanted the money.
Dorothy, I am shocked! Oh, so am I! I can't believe you lied to me.
Well, now don't be too hard on her, Rose.
She may have been doing it for the wrong reason, at least the decision was right because Baby is better off here.
Why ya'll looking at me like I'm a murderer? This pig is dying because he's old and sick.
I refuse to even entertain the notion that he's slipping away because he's homesick for this godforsaken place.
- [Baby squeals.]
- What's going on? He recognizes the picture of Uncle Hingeblotter's farm.
Oh, my God! He is homesick.
I'm a murderer.
I'm nothing but no-good money-grubbing trash.
Baby, forgive me.
Blanche, get a hold of yourself.
Rose, I apologize.
Rose, so do I.
Oh, Rose, can you ever forgive us? Rose.
- I don't know.
- Oh, honey, please.
We're really sorry.
Well, I might forgive you, but I can't speak for Baby.
Is there something we can do to smooth things over? Well A kiss on the nose might be a nice gesture.
Oh, I never can stay mad at you silly gooses.
What's going on? Oh, Ma, Baby's going home.
May he rest in peace.
Ma, Baby isn't dead.
We've decided to send him back to the farm and give up the money.
Wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.
We lived with a filthy pig in our house, bought a bunch of stuff on credit we can't afford, and now we're gonna kiss off 100,000 bucks because the pig is homesick? That's right.
Sometimes life really bites the big one.
Hi, Sophia.
I see you finally got your new glasses.
Yeah, I also got these to beg for spare change on the corner.
That is enough! Now look, we have to stop this moping around.
So we don't have the money anymore.
I mean, we still have a great deal to be thankful for.
We live in a lovely home, we have our health and each other.
I'll tell you the truth.
When we had the money, we did crazy, ridiculous things.
To be honest, I'm glad it's gone.
Girls, my cousin who took Baby just sent us a letter.
Please let there be cash in it! I can't stand being poor another day.
Oh, I'm sorry.
"Dear Rose.
Just wanted to let you know Baby arrived safely.
He was really happy to be back on the farm.
His last 36 hours on this good earth were" What? What? Baby died.
Poor Baby.
Poor Baby! Well, I guess he wasn't homesick after all.
Just old.
And for this I fought my way back from a stroke? I cannot believe this.
If he had stayed here another lousy day and a half, we'd be rich! [Car horn honks.]
What was that? Oh, no! Oh, they've come to tow away our Mercedes.
Oh, now I am really depressed.
I never even got a chance to ride in it.
[Dorothy.]
Boy, what a great idea.
- [Blanche.]
Isn't it luxurious? - [Rose.]
And the engine's so quiet.
[Sophia.]
There's Alice Feinbaum.
Look at her, green with envy.
Eat your heart out, Feinbaum! - 5@y3 -