Frasier s03e04 Episode Script

-Hello, Niles.
-Frasier, quick give me your museum membership card.
-What for? -I just heard tickets go on sale today for the exhibit of fourteenth century Japanese netsuki figurines.
Oh, then the rumours were true? Hurry, hurry, I want to get there -before the line forms.
-Five seconds.
Oh, just give me a minute, Niles.
Just sit tight, huh? And we're back.
Before we take our last call I'd like to remind you that Mercy Hospital will be conducting free blood pressure testing this Saturday on Whidbey Island.
Hypertension leads to strokes, heart disease and other maladies.
So we should all be on the lookout for symptoms like shortness of breath quickening of pulse, irritability- Oh, will you just shove the damn thing into your mouth! So let's all join together to help defeat this silent killer.
Roz, who is on the line? On line four we have Mac, who's recently moved here from Australia and he's having a problem with a co-worker.
Hello, Mac, welcome to Seattle, I'm listening.
Well, mate, it like your Shelia said.
I'm working with a real yob-out.
He goes on and on about things nobody gives a billabong about just to show off how smart he is.
Well, you have my sympathy.
There's nothing more irritating than pointless and pretentious erudition.
My advice to you is to simply avoid him, is that possible? Not really, you bloody wallaby! You're on right before me! Stay tuned for the Bulldog.
Well, that's one on me, or rather one on me and my call screener, Roz whose ancestors were once heard remarking "Oh, what a nice wooden horse, of course I'll sign for it.
" This is Dr.
Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health.
Gotcha! How many times have I asked you to desist with your adolescent antics? -I've got a sense of humour! -I mean it, I'll go over your head! Stop it, you're scaring me! Listen, you sleazy little lyme tick you do that one more time and I'll cut you off.
-And I don't mean mid-sentence! -Stop it, you're scaring me! Do you believe these hijinks I have to put up with? No.
Who would have thought it with a station whose current motto is, "Yakkety-Yak, We Talk Back"? Oh, run along.
-Oh, hello, Dr.
Crane.
-Miss Costas I'd like you to meet my brother, Dr.
Niles Crane.
-How do you do? -Enchanté.
I'd love to stay and chat but I'm off to get tickets -for Frasier and me at the Japanese netsuki exhibit.
-You'll love it.
I saw it in Kyoto.
It's just such a shame they're not letting the really rare pieces out of the country.
As my Japanese gardener says, Maimoshi chikosho.
Watch your mouth! Oh, you speak Japanese? Oh, I'll just retreat so that I can be one with my humiliation.
Oh Kate, can I have a word with you? -I'm in kind of a hurry.
-Yes, well, it'll just take a moment.
I seriously doubt that, but go ahead.
Yes, I've tried dealing with this problem on my own but Bulldog insists on interrupting my show -with his foolish pranks.
-I heard.
Yes, well I did not spend eight gruelling years at Harvard to be mocked by that -juvenile jackass! -Shameless! -Oh, he's beyond shameless! I'm talking about the way you manage to get Harvard into every conversation.
Well, I'm sure you'll mention your alma mater too some day when it's accredited! Gee, you sure know how to ask for help! -No, I'm sorry.
-All right, all right.
-I know, I'll take care of it.
-Just make sure he understands that You went to Harvard, I know, I know.
Hey, the key to this game is the husky secondary.
Jack, how can I put this to you delicately? You're a moron! Shut up! You know squat! You know less than squat! You and squat could go to the movies and squat could wear an "I'm With Stupid" T-Shirt! You're awesome, Bulldog.
Way to nail a blow on Dr.
Crane! -You are the greatest! -Yeah, whatever, shut up.
Now, look, all you guys sending in any postcards to win tickets to the SeaHawks game.
Do I need another picture of the Space Needle? Chicks in thongs! Enough said? We'll be back right after this.
Hey, what I just said, I'm sorry.
I meant to say women in thongs.
-Stop busting Frasier's chops, enough said? -Well I could, but see all these lines lit up? They're all waiting to tell me how funny it was.
Are all these callers waiting to tell Bulldog how much they liked the joke he played on Frasier? All except the guy on nine, he thinks Bulldog sucks.
-Because of what he did to Frasier? -No, just in general.
-So, what do you want me to do? -If you think I'm going to allow you to publicly mock one of our most respected hosts on air just for the sake of higher ratings you and I are going to get along just fine! Come on, Eddie, you love paté.
And this is the good stuff.
-Uh-oh.
-Two syllables every homeowner loves to hear upon entering the door.
Would that have anything to do with the fact that you're feeding my imported foie gras to a dog? Well, I'm sorry, but it calms him during the thunder.
Oh, well, heaven forbid that Eddie should ever work a nerve! When Niles gets here we'll have sherry and snausages! That reminds me, Dr.
Crane will be a bit late.
Your father asked him to stop at the vet and pick up some pills for Eddie.
I'm the one who's had a hard day.
How come no one ever brings me tranquilizers? I've often wondered that myself.
-Hello? -Hello, this is Dr.
Julius Irving.
I'm calling for Dr.
Niles Crane his receptionist said he might be there.
I'm sorry, I am expecting him if you'd like to leave a message.
No, no, nothing important.
Some of the boys here at the club have a little bet going about "The Mikado.
" Well, perhaps I can help.
I'm Niles's brother Dr.
Frasier Crane, and as luck would have it I was in an all-male version of "The Mikado" at Oxford.
People still ask to see my Yum-Yum.
I don't suppose you happen to remember the words to "Three Little Maids"? Well, let me see.
Well, of course my falsetto isn't what it used to be but, um Dad, would you please be quiet? -I'm trying to settle a bet here.
-You sure are! Some caller bet Bulldog he couldn't make you sing over the air.
Sayonara, Doc! Well, Dad, I'm glad to see that you're amused having your own son humiliated publicly.
Oh, come on, it's funny.
He makes everybody look stupid the guys in the newsroom, Chopper Dave That is not exactly a miracle transformation when it comes to Chopper Dave.
A man whose life work consists of looking down at the freeway and saying, "Crowded"; "Not Crowded.
" -Where are you going? -To the station! Oh, come on, Frasier, don't take it all so seriously.
You know, we played jokes like this all the time when I was on the force.
The day they replaced my bulletproof vest with a big lacy bra I knew I was one of the guys.
Thank you, Dad.
That also clears up a question that's troubled me for years concerning the night you were shot! The "Salmon" that's what you want to name our expansion hockey team, "The Seattle Salmon"?! Why don't you take your two IQ points, rub them together see if you can't start a fire, beat it! -Hey, you're in the doghouse! -Hey, am I on? Yes, take as long as you want! Hey, Bulldog, you're the man.
How about we name them "The Bulldogs"? Hey, you want to suck up? Send money! Wait, wait, wait, wait, I got another one.
-What about "The Lizards"? -I hate lizards, they're disgusting.
They make my skin crawl.
You're an idiot -and you don't deserve to live! -You're the best, Bulldog! Shut up! Back in thirty! -I warned you.
-Hey, hey, clear your jets.
Kate told me to keep busting ya'.
Said it's good for ratings.
You got a beef, take it up with her! -I don't believe you.
-Pete, what did Kate say? -She said you're a pig.
-No, before that! She said keep raggin' on the doc'! -I want to talk to Kate now! -She's not in.
-Oh, very clever.
"She's not in.
" Like that'll make me go away! She's not in! I need a copy of our contract with Nanette Stewart.
What's Yum-Yum doing here? It's all right, I can guess.
You promised you'd put an end to Bulldog's shenanigans and instead you encouraged him.
You're cancelling "Pet Chat With Nanette"?! She's been on for six years.
Yeah, but she's been floating at the top of the bowl for the last two.
When I went in to talk to Bulldog the phones were lit up like Times Square.
His fans love it when he zaps you.
-So, you would have me ridiculed for the sake of those hyenas! -No.
I would have you fight back.
He makes pot shots at you, you come back at him in your droll, Ivy League, "look at me I've got a thesaurus" kind of way! -It'll be funny! -Funny?! Funny!? I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with a man who's favourite t-shirt reads "Seattle Hooter Inspector"! -Afraid of the competition? -I am a doctor, I went to medical school! I will not embarrass myself by engaging in a grab for ratings.
You just announced to a half a million listeners that you are "filled to the brim with girlish glee.
" I think the H.
M.
S Pinafore of embarrassment has sailed! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to fire someone.
Oh, God, she brought Spanky! Kate, this is not over! Do you know what your problem is? You have no sense of humour.
-I am sick and tired of people telling me that! -Well, then, lighten up.
I asked the Raiders' defensive line to describe their tackling skills and here's what they said.
Good evening, Daphne.
-Evening, Dr.
Crane.
-Did you bring Eddie's pills? -Yes.
And the vet gave very specific instructions.
"Take one tablet per hour or as needed until trembling subsides.
" I'm sorry, these are for Maris.
Those are for Eddie, here you go.
I'll just hide his pill in a bit of food.
Like our Grammy Moon used to get grandad to take his heart medicine.
If he had heart problems, why wouldn't he want to take his medicine? Don't think that nosy coroner didn't ask the same question! Num-nums, Eddie.
Oh, he's a good boy.
Normally I don't believe in popping pills for every little upset.
I quite agree! My nerves are bothered by this constant thundering, too but I would never turn to drugs to calm down.
Oh, mommy! Hey Niles, you're not going to believe what happened to Frasier.
-Oh, I heard the whole thing.
-You listen to Bulldog's program? Yes, Dad, I can't sleep nights till I find out who hurled what ball through what apparatus.
No, no, no, no, it was on at the vet's.
You would think that in a city with this much rain that people would develop an etiquette about it, but no! They buy umbrellas that are too big for them you have to walk into the street to get around them and then they drive too close to the curb so that you're sure to get splashed! And they wear brown shoes with white socks! What has that got to do with the rain? Nothing! But I mean, really, get a fashion sense! -Well, I guess things didn't go too well at the station, huh? No, they didn't.
It turned out the station manager is encouraging Bulldog's little pranks.
Now she wants me to return his fire on the air.
Well, I thought the idea was absurd at first but now I'm starting to warm to it.
I say have at him! He's grossly overmatched but he did bring this on himself.
You know, you're right, Niles.
If I have to fight cheap and dirty on his own turf, then I will! -And what is that supposed to mean? -Well, I don't think it's a good idea.
You know, Bulldog's pretty good at this kind of thing.
-He's a funny guy.
-And, I'm not funny? -I don't believe this! -Well, now, obviously Dad's forgetting the time you took the names of our wine club board and turned them all into wickedly derisive anagrams! "Sidney Ass Basket"! -Now, you see, dad, I made you laugh.
-No, I'm looking at Eddie.
I guess he won't be needing a second pill! Now, now, Frasier, don't get me wrong.
I think you're witty, you're clever but funny's different.
Funny's somebody who makes you laugh with your belly.
Now, Bulldog's funny.
Duke's cousin, Louie, now he's really funny! He's like Jackie Gleason, only loud! He makes you laugh so hard the beer comes out of your nose.
You know what feels good through the nose? A warm cup of cocoa.
I just may go home for Christmas this year.
You know, just because I haven't caused anyone to blow beer through their nostrils doesn't mean that I can't.
Anyone who can compose a clever ballad can certainly master the intricacies of the whoopee cushion! Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that.
It's a lot harder than you think.
All right, you just tune into Bulldog's show tomorrow.
Pop open a beer and prepare for a Budweiser geyser! You know, Frasier, if you're serious about that whoopee cushion I happen to have one at the house.
Last year a disgruntled servant left one on Maris's dining room chair.
Fortunately for all of us, embarrassment was averted when my little faun proved too light to activate it.
Well, it's six-thirty, sports fans.
That means it's time for our big SeaHawks tickets giveaway.
Yes, my curvaceous and bodacious assistant Darlene is rolling in our glittery giant prize draw right now.
Okay, Darlene, give it a good crank.
Whoa! Honey, I meant the drum! Here it comes, Roz, the hilarity ensues! Okay, explain this to me one more time.
You were the one who's trying to prove to everyone you're so funny, so why am I the one who had to put the lizard in the box?! It was just as difficult to be the lookout! Stop whining! Hey, look who's here.
It's our new boss lady, KACL's own Kate Costas! -Kate's there? Oh, Frasier, Kate's there! No, no, it's even better.
Even better that she will be an eyewitness to my little jape! Come in, Kate.
-Yeah, here we go, glad you dropped in.
-Hello, Bulldog.
Hi, Darlene.
Wow, look at that mighty drum! Yeah, give it a good spin! Look at those cards going round and round.
Okay, Seattle and the winner is -Hey, Kate, why don't you pick it? -Okay.
And the lucky winner is -Something bit me! -Oh my God! It's a lizard! -Man, it's got your fingertip -Oh, God! -I'll get some ice.
There it goes, there it goes, there it goes! Stop that lizard, it has my finger! Roz! Any news? -Oh, yeah.
They sewed her fingertip back on.
She's gonna be fine.
Frasier, would you wipe that guilty look off your face? -No-one even suspects you.
-Why not? Because you made such a big deal about how playing pranks was beneath you! Oh, they're not only beneath me, they're beyond me.
I'm going to accept my limitations and be satisfied to merely be witty and urbane.
Even my most barbed comments never drew blood! -Oh God, I feel sick.
-You do? When the lizard threw up her fingertip who had to pack it in frozen yogurt and rush it down here?! -I'm going to tell her the truth.
-What?! Are you insane? I've got to unburden myself.
Frasier, you didn't start this.
You are the victim here.
Why should you have to suffer any more than you already have? -I'll keep your name out of it! -Fine, do what you want.
I don't know when I'll be back in the office, Susan.
Just cancel all my appointments.
Is there any word on who pulled this stupid stunt? I don't want excuses, I want names! Will you hurry up that shot.
-I'm in agony here.
-Kate I see that your strength is back.
I brought you some flowers.
What kind of raving psychotic -would do a thing like this? -You know people use that word "psychotic" an awful lot these days.
A kid steals a candy bar, suddenly he's a psychotic.
I'm gonna find him and I'm gonna crush him! Are you sure that's enough? Make sure that all goes in! Call me if you need anything.
Well, Kate, I came here for a reason.
Oh, let me guess, someone park in your space? No, but if someone had, I would have forgiven him -just as I'm sure you will forgive -Who? Well, I'm sure the poor misguided prankster that perpetrated this evil deed really had no ill will in mind.
It wasn't his or her You know that Nanette from "Pet Chat" she had a real axe to grind! -What? -What? -You giggled.
-Oh, it was kinda funny.
-What? -What? -What's funny? -Oh, I was just remembering -What? -What? Oh, oh, the shot's kicking in, isn't it? Wouldn't you know, it bites my middle finger.
How am I supposed to drive? You know, Kate, maybe now would be a good time Now you know, life is so funny.
One minute, you're standing in a hallway the next minute you're a poo-poo platter for a lizard.
That's a funny word, isn't it? Hallway! -You want to hear something really funny? -And Bulldog Bulldog's Oh, see, now, you're starting to get tired, I should go.
Kate, Kate, before you go to sleep there's just one last funny thing I want to tell you O-kay! -I put the lizard in the box.
-O-kay.
Oh, God! -It's alive! -You what? Well, I, it was meant for Bulldog.
It was all an accident, I never intended to Kate? Kate? Nurse!