King of the Hill s03e04 Episode Script
Pregnant Paws
YEP, I CHANGE MY OIL EVERY 3,000 MILES OR WHEN I GET BORED, WHICHEVER COMES FIRST.
( men laughing ) Dale: I SEE LONDON, I SEE FRANCE AAAH! TOLD YOU, HANK; LONDON AND FRANCE.
LADY BIRD, NO.
GET OUT OF MY UNDERWEAR.
I PUT THOSE ON HER.
LADY BIRD IS IN HEAT.
WE ARE OUT OF DOGGIE DIAPERS.
PEGGY, HOW COULD YOU? MY OLD UNDERWEAR? I DON'T EVEN WEAR THAT ANYMORE.
SHE WOULDN'T HAVE TO WEAR ANYTHING IF YOU SPAYED HER OR HIRED SOMEONE TO DO IT.
I CAN'T HAVE HER SPAYED.
I'LL BREED HER ONE OF THESE DAYS.
SHE'S ALMOST 13 YEARS OLD.
YOU CAN'T MATE A PUREBRED BLOODHOUND WITH JUST ANY OLD DOG.
THAT'D BE THROWING AWAY SEVEN GENERATIONS OF THE FINEST GEORGIA INBREEDING.
THIS COULD BE LADY BIRD'S LAST HEAT.
IF YOU DON'T DO SOMETHING FAS SHE'LL SPEND THE REST OF HER LIFE CHILDLESS AND LONELY SULKING ABOUT THE HOUSE IN SOILED UNDERWEAR LIKE BILL.
I GET OFF A SHOT, I WING HIM-- DANG IF HE DIDN'T KEEP GOING ANOTHER MILE OR TWO.
AIN'T NOTHING KEEPS YOU SHARP FOR DEER SEASON LIKE HUNTING HUMANS.
( clears throat ) 'SCUSE ME.
I COULDN'T HELP READING YOUR LIPS.
UH, THIS HUNTING HUMANS DO YOU NEED A LICENSE? THIS HAT'S MY LICENSE.
ANY MAN WHO SKIPS OUT ON HIS BAIL CAN BE HUNTED LIKE AN ANIMAL, ALTHOUGH NOT EATEN.
ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS SIT THROUGH A FOUR-HOUR TRAINING COURSE.
YOU'RE TELLING ME THERE'S A POORLY TRAINED, QUASI-LEGAL POLICE FORCE THAT OPERATES WITH FEW, IF ANY, GOVERNMENT CONTROLS? IT'S ABOUT TIME.
BOY, THAT'S SOME MIGHTY FINE HOUNDS YOU GOT YOURSELF THERE, BUCK.
THAT'S RIGHT.
CHAMPIONS, ALL OF THEM.
EXCEPT THE DEAF ONE.
YEP.
FINE HOUNDS.
MM-HMM.
MR.
STRICKLAND THERE'S SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU.
YEAH, I'D LOVE TO GIVE YOU A RAISE BUT THE ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT SAID "BUCK, STOP LETTING THE EMPLOYEES PUT YOUR LEMONS IN A VISE.
" DONNA SAID THAT? MY HANDS ARE TIED.
SIR, THIS IS ABOUT MY LADY BIRD.
I FINALLY DECIDED TO BREED HER AND I WAS HOPING ONE OF YOUR STUDS WHOO-EE! ONE OF MY BOYS FINALLY GETS TO "HOWDY, MA'AM" THE DEBUTANTE.
YOU KNOW MY TERMS.
$500, THE FIRST SESSION, $400, EACH ADDITIONAL SESSION AND PLEASE, NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY.
OKAY, LET'S ALL SHUT UP, PLEASE.
WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME SO LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT.
We don't have much time, so let's get right to it.
In the next four hours we'll find out if you've got what it takes to wear this hat.
LADY BIRD IS GOING TO BE A MOMMY.
SEEMS LIKE JUST YESTERDAY MOM AND DAD BROUGHT HER HOME FOR ME ON ACCOUNT OF ME NOT HAVING ANY BROTHERS AND SISTERS TO PLAY WITH.
IF I'D BEEN OLD ENOUGH TO TALK I WOULD'VE ASKED FOR A MONKEY.
BUT I GUESS THINGS WORKED OUT OKAY.
( doorbell rings ) THAT'S THEM.
IS EVERYTHING? LADY BIRD HILL, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
( solemnly ): LUANNE, TAKE OFF HER UNDERWEAR.
( deep sigh ) I'M HONORED YOU COULD SHARE LADY BIRD'S SPECIAL EVENING WITH US, BUCK.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
LET'S MAKE SOME HOUND DOGS.
I'M LATE FOR A BACHELOR AUCTION.
OKAY, YOU LEARNED KICKING DOWN DOORS YOU LEARNED MUSTACHES, MAILMAN SUITS AND OTHER DISGUISES.
DID WE COVER CHOKE HOLDS AND PEPPER SPRAY? ( choking ): YES.
AH, GOOD.
TAKE YOUR SEAT.
OKAY, YOU HAVE 15 MINUTES TO COMPLETE THE ETHICS EXAM.
GOOD LUCK, AND TRY TO REMEMBER WHAT I TAUGHT YOU: A, A, B, A, C.
CONGRATULATIONS, CLASS OF THURSDAY, A.
M.
YOU MAY NOW CALL YOURSELVES BOUNTY HUNTERS.
HELLO, DR.
DOWNES.
HANK, LADY BIRD.
OH, UH THIS IS MY WIFE PEGGY.
I TAKE CARE OF OUR SON.
SO, WHAT'LL IT BE-- FLEA DIP, TARTAR SCRAPE, WORM SHOT? NOT THIS WEEK.
I FINALLY LET MY LITTLE GIRL START DATING AND I THINK SHE'S IN A FAMILY WAY.
AH, WELL, THAT'S SWEET.
LET ME GET A GLOVE ON AND HAVE A LOOK-SEE.
OOH, THIS PLACE GIVES ME THE DEJA-VUS.
IT'S JUST LIKE WHEN WE WERE TRYING TO GET PREGNANT.
YEAH, I REMEMBER.
SO, DOCTOR, IS SHE GOING TO BE A MOMMY? HOW DO I SAY THIS WITHOUT BREAKING YOUR HEARTS? NO.
OH, GOD.
DAMN.
I HAVE YOUR TEST RESULTS.
PEGGY I KNEW IT! I'LL NEVER GET PREGNANT.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? PEGGY, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
HE'S RIGHT, MRS.
HILL.
THERE'S NO POINT IN BLAMING YOURSELF.
IT'S HANK'S FAULT.
WHAT?! YOU WERE BORN WITH A NARROW URETHRA.
YEARS OF CHRONIC TENSION HAVE ONLY MADE IT WORSE.
I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU'LL EVER HAVE CHILDREN.
BUT BUT BUT THAT, UH THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
THE LAB REPORTS CONFIRM IT, ALTHOUGH I SUSPECTED AS MUCH WHEN IT TOOK YOU 30 MINUTES TO PRODUCE A URINE SAMPLE.
HEY, YOU WANT IT DONE QUICK OR YOU WANT IT DONE RIGHT? HANK, PLEASE CALM DOWN.
YOUR URETHRA WILL DISAPPEAR.
ISN'T THERE ANYTHING WE CAN DO? FOR STARTERS, WE CAN TRANSITION YOU TO BOXER SHORTS.
OR IF THAT'S UNACCEPTABLE I CAN PRESCRIBE A SPECIFIC SERIES OF SEXUAL TECHNIQUES.
A SERIES? ARE YOU SUGGESTING I BREAK THE LAW? OH, HANK, PLEASE.
HE IS JUST TRYING TO HELP US.
I SAW SOMETHING ON THE NEWS ABOUT A PROCEDURE CALLED IN-VITRO FERTILIZATION.
THEY MIX YOUR BOYS WITH ONE OF MY LADIES IN A TEST TUBE.
ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL? NO, IT'S TERRIBLE! IT'S SCIENCE RUN AMOK.
OH, HANK.
IT'S PERFECTLY SAFE, MR.
HILL.
THEY'VE TESTED IT ON ANIMALS.
COULDN'T WE JUST TRY IT? NO! IT'S WRONG ON HUMANS AND IT'S WRONG ON ANIMALS.
I'M SORRY, PEGGY.
I KNOW YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED BUT THAT'S JUST HOW I WAS RAISED-- BY MY MOTHER AND FATHER, NOT A TEST TUBE.
SO IS LADY BIRD GOING TO BE A MOMMY? SORRY, HANK.
MR.
STRICKLAND BETTER REFUND OUR $500.
I KNEW THAT STUD WAS NO GOOD.
HE WOULDN'T EVEN LOOK HER IN THE EYE.
IT AIN'T THE STUD'S FAULT, IT'S LADY BIRD'S.
I'M AFRAID SHE'S GOT A NARROW UTERUS.
AH, NO! SO SHE CAN'T HAVE PUPPIES? WELL, STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.
BUT, NO, SHE CAN'T.
I KNOW IT HURTS, LADY BIRD.
I'VE BEEN THERE MYSELF.
I JUST WISH I COULD SCOOP UP YOUR PAIN IN A LITTLE PLASTIC BAG AND THROW IT OUT.
HEY! GET OFF HER.
AH, FORGET IT.
KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.
BUDDY, NO.
DOWN.
I'M SO SORRY.
HEY, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
NO HARM, NO FOUL.
SEE, THE THING IS MY LADY BIRD HAS A NARROW UTERUS.
THE VET SAID SHE WILL NEVER KNOW THE PLEASURES OF MOTHERHOOD.
IN FACT I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO BURDEN YOU.
OH, NOT AT ALL.
WE WERE IN THE SAME SITUATION WITH BUDDY'S MOTHER.
TURNS OUT THERE'S ALL SORTS OF THINGS YOU CAN DO.
THERE ARE? LIKE WHAT? DIET, HORMONES BODY WORK SURGERY.
THERE'S A WHOLE WORLD OUT THERE.
WOW, I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING.
DO YOU AND YOUR BROTHER HAVE TIME TO GRAB A BEER? UH, SURE.
I KNOW JUST THE PLACE.
ASSAULT WITH A DEADLY WEAPON AND ATTEMPTED MURDER OF A POLICE OFFICER.
HE'S BEEN ON THE RUN ABOUT TWO DAYS.
OOH, ME, ME.
I'LL TAKE IT.
I HAD MY HAND UP FIRST.
WHY DO YOU KEEP GIVING ALL THE CASES TO THESE OTHER GUYS? BECAUSE THEY'RE EXPERIENCED PROFESSIONAL BOUNTY HUNTERS.
YOU'RE JUST SOME DELUDED BUG SPRAYER WHO TOOK A FOUR-HOUR COURSE, LEARNED CHOKE HOLDS AND GOT A HAT.
HMM, YOU ARE FAMILIAR WITH MY CREDENTIALS YET YOU STILL REFUSE TO GIVE ME A CASE? IF IT WILL SHUT YOU UP FUGITIVE'S NAME IS JAMES "JIMMY" HELSTROM AKA JIM HELSTROM.
WANTED FOR UNPAID PARKING TICKETS.
THE HUNT IS ON.
100.
7.
WOW, IT'S HOT IN A DOG'S HEAD.
( Peggy laughing ) OH, I LOVE THE BLOOPERS.
THE PRACTICAL JOKES, NOT SO MUCH.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M CHARTING LADY BIRD'S TEMPERATURE.
I'M GOING TO PINPOINT THE EXACT PERFECT MOMEN FOR HER TO MATE.
GIVE ME THAT! HANK, THAT THERMOMETER'S FOR COMPANY.
YOU KNOW THAT.
BUT I WAS USING IT.
I DON'T SEE WHY.
THE DOCTOR SAID LADY BIRD CANNOT GET PREGNANT.
I KNOW, I KNOW BUT THEN I MET SOME MEN, WE WENT TO A BAR AND BEFORE IT ALL WENT HORRIBLY WRONG THEY TOLD ME A BUNCH OF THINGS I CAN DO TO GET LADY BIRD PREGNANT.
100.
4.
SHE'S READY FOR A STUD.
PEGGY, QUICK, CALL BUCK STRICKLAND.
I PUT HIM ON THE SPEED DIAL.
JUST PRESS "PEGGY'S MOTHER.
" ( chuckling ) ARLEN FLORIST.
I'VE GOT SOME LONG-STEM ROSES FOR JIMMY HELSTROM.
( footsteps running ) ( door opening, closing ) ( car engine starting ) ( tires squealing ) WHAT THE "H" ARE YOU DOING? IT'S CALLED THE TELLINGTON TOUCH.
IT'S A BODY AWARENESS TECHNIQUE.
ALL THE TOP FERTILITY EXPERTS SWEAR BY IT.
MY GRANDMOTHER QUILTED THAT BLANKET.
PEGGY, NO.
I CAN'T MOVE HER FOR TWO HOURS.
SHE JUST MATED.
JUST GIVE ME THE FREAKING BLANKET.
THOUGHT YOU COULD OUTSMART ME, DID YOU J.
HELSTROM? ( chuckling ) ( snarling ) ( barking ) ( screams ) LADY BIRD? HEY, BOBBY, COME STAND WITH ME.
OKAY.
YOU KNOW, I JUST DON'T LIKE TO DRINK ALONE.
( slurping ) SO HOW'S SCHOOL? FINE.
THAT'S NICE.
FRIENDS? YEAH.
HUH.
UH, I GOT TO GIVE LADY BIRD HER HORMONE BISCUIT.
LET ME SEE THAT.
LADY BIRD IS GOING TO BE A MOMMY AND WE'LL HAVE A PUPPY AGAIN LIKE WHEN I WAS ONE YEAR OLD AND MY PARENTS GOT ME LADY BIRD.
BOY, THAT SURE IS A CUTE STORY.
BUT YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG.
YOUR PARENTS HAD THAT DOG A WHOLE YEAR BEFORE YOU CAME ALONG.
WHAT? OH, YEAH.
AS I RECALL YOUR MAMA WAS HAVING TROUBLE GETTING PREGNAN ON ACCOUNT OF YOUR DADDY'S NARROW DOO-HICKEY.
EVENTUALLY, THEY JUST GAVE UP ON EVER HAVING A CHILD OF THEIR OWN AND THEY DID THE NEXT BEST THING.
OH, HANK, THANK YOU.
SHE'S PERFECT.
( chuckling ) YEAH.
( chuckling ) YEAH.
HEY, HEY.
THEY GAVE UP ON HAVING A CHILD OF THEIR OWN BUT HERE I AM, A CHILD.
A CHILD DOESN'T JUST COME OUT OF NOWHERE.
MR.
DAUTERIVE, WAS I ADOPTED? I'LL TELL YOU, BOBBY IF YOU GET ME SOME MORE OF THESE COOKIES.
BUT THOSE ARE DOG HORMONE BISCUITS AND THAT'S THE LAST ONE AND THEY'RE FROM A SPECIAL STORE AND IT'S TWO MILES AWAY.
WELL, SORRY, BOBBY.
THAT'S THE DEAL.
( sighs ) UH-HUH.
UH-HUH.
OUTSTANDING.
WE'LL TAKE THE NEXT FLIGHT OUT.
NO, GOD BLESS YOU, DOCTOR.
WE DID IT, PEGGY.
LADY BIRD'S BEEN ACCEPTED INTO AN IN-VITRO FERTILIZATION PROGRAM UP AT MICHIGAN STATE.
IN-VITRO? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? TEST-TUBE PUPPIES.
THEY'RE USING THIS NEW EXPERIMENTAL FERTILITY DRUG.
I FIGURE IF IT'S SAFE ENOUGH FOR HUMANS IN FRANCE IT'S PROBABLY SAFE ENOUGH FOR DOGS IN AMERICA.
HANK HILL, IF YOU ARE THINKING OF FLYING YOUR DOG TO MICHIGAN TO GET HER PREGNAN DO NOT BOTHER BUYING A ROUND-TRIP TICKET.
RELAX, PEGGY.
I DON'T HAVE TO BUY ANYTHING.
UH, CAN I HAVE YOUR FREQUENT FLYER NUMBER? BUT I NEED THOSE MILES TO GET TO MY GREAT-AUNT'S FUNERAL NEXT YEAR.
FINE.
GO.
JUST DO NOT EXPECT ME TO BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK.
MOM, CAN I STAY WITH YOU FOR A FEW? OH, I'M SORRY, MR.
STRICKLAND.
GREAT NEWS, LADY BIRD.
WE'RE GOING TO OH, MY GOD! LET'S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT, LADY BIRD.
YOU WORK FOR ME.
OH, YOU'RE STILL HERE.
LADY BIRD'S GONE! WHAT HAPPENED? I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE YOU LEFT HER PEN OPEN BY MISTAKE, OF COURSE, AND SHE RAN AWAY.
YOU'RE BLAMING ME?! I WOULD HAVE TO BE PRETTY PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THA AND SPIT IN YOUR COFFEE EVERY DAY FOR A WEEK.
BUT WAIT WAIT A MINUTE.
"RECEIPT FROM DALE GRIBBLE, BOUNTY HUNTER.
"BORROWED: ONE DOG.
"PURPOSE: NAB FUGITIVE "AT 27 WHISTLER TERRACE SIGNED, DALE GRIBBLE, BOUNTY HUNTER.
" DAMN IT, DALE! ( snarling, barking ) ( whining ) OKAY, GRIBBLE, THIS IS IT.
TWO DAYS AND FOUR HOURS AGO YOU WERE AN UNTRAINED, UNTESTED NO-HAT.
NOW LOOK AT YOU.
( kiaiing ) FREEZE! BOUNTY HUNTER! FREEZE! BOUNTY HUNTER! ( theme from Sanford and Son playing ) ( music stops ) FREEZE! G'IH! G'IH! Hank: WHAT DO I WANT? A LEFT? A RIGHT? I WISH LADY BIRD WERE HERE.
SHE DOESN'T NEED A MAP.
WELL, THAT IS IT.
I AM SICK OF YOU ACTING LIKE YOU CARE MORE ABOUT THAT DOG THAN YOU DO ABOUT ME, YOUR HUMAN WIFE.
WHAT? I DON'T CARE MORE ABOUT OH, NO! LADY BIRD! SHE'S GOING TO DEHYDRATE IN THERE.
BETWEEN THIS SUN AND THE INCREDIBLE AIRTIGHT CONSTRUCTION OF AN AMERICAN-MADE TRUCK I'D SAY SHE'S GOT ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.
I'M GOING IN.
ARE YOU LOCO? AS SOON AS YOU STEP FOOT OUT THERE THOSE ATTACK DOGS WILL ATTACK YOU TO SHREDS.
I BET IF I WERE STUCK IN A TRUCK YOU WOULD LEAVE ME THERE.
PEGGY, HOW WOULD YOU EVER GET STUCK IN A TRUCK? I DON'T KNOW.
THE HANDLE COULD BREAK OFF.
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
ALL WEEK, I HAVE WATCHED YOU JUMP THROUGH HOOPS TRYING TO GET LADY BIRD PREGNAN AND YOU NEVER JUMPED THROUGH ANY HOOPS FOR ME.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU NEVER PUT A THERMOMETER IN MY EAR.
OF COURSE NOT.
WHY WOULD I? OH, SEE? YOU ADMIT YOU LOVE HER MORE.
THAT'S CRAZY.
I DIDN'T DO ALL THAT THERMOMETER STUFF WITH YOU 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, WHERE'S THE ROMANCE? WITH LADY BIRD, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
SHE'S ONLY A DOG.
SHE'S NOT MY WIFE.
YOU'RE MY WIFE.
WELL, I KNOW.
IT'S JUST ( sniffling ) WELL, SOMETIMES A WOMAN NEEDS TO HEAR IT.
WHY WOULD YOU BE JEALOUS OF LADY BIRD? YOU DON'T WANT TO GET PREGNANT DO YOU? I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE.
I THINK I'D RATHER HAVE ANOTHER BABY RIGHT NOW THAN ANOTHER PUPPY.
ME, TOO.
THAT'S WHY I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET LADY BIRD PREGNANT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THOSE MEN IN THAT BAR TOLD YOU BUT THAT IS NOT HOW YOU HAVE A BABY.
I KNOW THAT.
BUT REMEMBER WHEN WE FIRST GOT LADY BIRD? I ALWAYS KIND OF BELIEVED THAT PLAYING WITH THAT PUPPY WAS THE ONE THING THAT FINALLY RELAXED ME AND MY URETH UH WELL, ME ENOUGH FOR US TO HAVE A BABY.
I JUST THOUGHT IF WE HAD ANOTHER PUPPY IN THE HOUSE UH YOU KNOW.
OH, HANK.
OH.
HANG IN THERE, LADY BIRD.
MAMA'S COMING.
EASY EASY I'M COOL, MAN.
G'IH! G'IH! EASY EASY BE CAREFUL, HANK.
NINE TIMES OUT OF TEN THEY GO RIGHT FOR THE CROTCH AND I SEE TEN DOGS OUT THERE.
COME ON GIRL, COME ON.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
SHAKE HANDS.
SHAKE HANDS.
THAT'S IT.
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
( screaming ) WHY ARE YOUR ARMS SHAKING, MR.
BOUNTY HUNTER IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME? GETTING TIRED? YES.
VERY TIRED.
NICE HAT.
BACK ATCHA.
JUMP, LADY BIRD! JUMP! GOOD GIRL.
OKAY, LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
SEAT BELTS, PLEASE.
( panting ) HERE YOU GO, MR.
DAUTERIVE.
ONLY EIGHT? THOSE COST $26.
OKAY, BOBBY.
ASK YOUR QUESTION.
( sighs ) MR.
DAUTERIVE MM-HMM? AM I ADOPTED? NO.
NOW, I'LL TELL YOU YOUR MIDDLE NAME IF YOU GET ME A GLASS A MILK.
OKAY.
( Peggy laughing ) ( theme from What's Happening? playing ) MORE SPAGHETTI-OS?
( men laughing ) Dale: I SEE LONDON, I SEE FRANCE AAAH! TOLD YOU, HANK; LONDON AND FRANCE.
LADY BIRD, NO.
GET OUT OF MY UNDERWEAR.
I PUT THOSE ON HER.
LADY BIRD IS IN HEAT.
WE ARE OUT OF DOGGIE DIAPERS.
PEGGY, HOW COULD YOU? MY OLD UNDERWEAR? I DON'T EVEN WEAR THAT ANYMORE.
SHE WOULDN'T HAVE TO WEAR ANYTHING IF YOU SPAYED HER OR HIRED SOMEONE TO DO IT.
I CAN'T HAVE HER SPAYED.
I'LL BREED HER ONE OF THESE DAYS.
SHE'S ALMOST 13 YEARS OLD.
YOU CAN'T MATE A PUREBRED BLOODHOUND WITH JUST ANY OLD DOG.
THAT'D BE THROWING AWAY SEVEN GENERATIONS OF THE FINEST GEORGIA INBREEDING.
THIS COULD BE LADY BIRD'S LAST HEAT.
IF YOU DON'T DO SOMETHING FAS SHE'LL SPEND THE REST OF HER LIFE CHILDLESS AND LONELY SULKING ABOUT THE HOUSE IN SOILED UNDERWEAR LIKE BILL.
I GET OFF A SHOT, I WING HIM-- DANG IF HE DIDN'T KEEP GOING ANOTHER MILE OR TWO.
AIN'T NOTHING KEEPS YOU SHARP FOR DEER SEASON LIKE HUNTING HUMANS.
( clears throat ) 'SCUSE ME.
I COULDN'T HELP READING YOUR LIPS.
UH, THIS HUNTING HUMANS DO YOU NEED A LICENSE? THIS HAT'S MY LICENSE.
ANY MAN WHO SKIPS OUT ON HIS BAIL CAN BE HUNTED LIKE AN ANIMAL, ALTHOUGH NOT EATEN.
ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS SIT THROUGH A FOUR-HOUR TRAINING COURSE.
YOU'RE TELLING ME THERE'S A POORLY TRAINED, QUASI-LEGAL POLICE FORCE THAT OPERATES WITH FEW, IF ANY, GOVERNMENT CONTROLS? IT'S ABOUT TIME.
BOY, THAT'S SOME MIGHTY FINE HOUNDS YOU GOT YOURSELF THERE, BUCK.
THAT'S RIGHT.
CHAMPIONS, ALL OF THEM.
EXCEPT THE DEAF ONE.
YEP.
FINE HOUNDS.
MM-HMM.
MR.
STRICKLAND THERE'S SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU.
YEAH, I'D LOVE TO GIVE YOU A RAISE BUT THE ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT SAID "BUCK, STOP LETTING THE EMPLOYEES PUT YOUR LEMONS IN A VISE.
" DONNA SAID THAT? MY HANDS ARE TIED.
SIR, THIS IS ABOUT MY LADY BIRD.
I FINALLY DECIDED TO BREED HER AND I WAS HOPING ONE OF YOUR STUDS WHOO-EE! ONE OF MY BOYS FINALLY GETS TO "HOWDY, MA'AM" THE DEBUTANTE.
YOU KNOW MY TERMS.
$500, THE FIRST SESSION, $400, EACH ADDITIONAL SESSION AND PLEASE, NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY.
OKAY, LET'S ALL SHUT UP, PLEASE.
WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME SO LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT.
We don't have much time, so let's get right to it.
In the next four hours we'll find out if you've got what it takes to wear this hat.
LADY BIRD IS GOING TO BE A MOMMY.
SEEMS LIKE JUST YESTERDAY MOM AND DAD BROUGHT HER HOME FOR ME ON ACCOUNT OF ME NOT HAVING ANY BROTHERS AND SISTERS TO PLAY WITH.
IF I'D BEEN OLD ENOUGH TO TALK I WOULD'VE ASKED FOR A MONKEY.
BUT I GUESS THINGS WORKED OUT OKAY.
( doorbell rings ) THAT'S THEM.
IS EVERYTHING? LADY BIRD HILL, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
( solemnly ): LUANNE, TAKE OFF HER UNDERWEAR.
( deep sigh ) I'M HONORED YOU COULD SHARE LADY BIRD'S SPECIAL EVENING WITH US, BUCK.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
LET'S MAKE SOME HOUND DOGS.
I'M LATE FOR A BACHELOR AUCTION.
OKAY, YOU LEARNED KICKING DOWN DOORS YOU LEARNED MUSTACHES, MAILMAN SUITS AND OTHER DISGUISES.
DID WE COVER CHOKE HOLDS AND PEPPER SPRAY? ( choking ): YES.
AH, GOOD.
TAKE YOUR SEAT.
OKAY, YOU HAVE 15 MINUTES TO COMPLETE THE ETHICS EXAM.
GOOD LUCK, AND TRY TO REMEMBER WHAT I TAUGHT YOU: A, A, B, A, C.
CONGRATULATIONS, CLASS OF THURSDAY, A.
M.
YOU MAY NOW CALL YOURSELVES BOUNTY HUNTERS.
HELLO, DR.
DOWNES.
HANK, LADY BIRD.
OH, UH THIS IS MY WIFE PEGGY.
I TAKE CARE OF OUR SON.
SO, WHAT'LL IT BE-- FLEA DIP, TARTAR SCRAPE, WORM SHOT? NOT THIS WEEK.
I FINALLY LET MY LITTLE GIRL START DATING AND I THINK SHE'S IN A FAMILY WAY.
AH, WELL, THAT'S SWEET.
LET ME GET A GLOVE ON AND HAVE A LOOK-SEE.
OOH, THIS PLACE GIVES ME THE DEJA-VUS.
IT'S JUST LIKE WHEN WE WERE TRYING TO GET PREGNANT.
YEAH, I REMEMBER.
SO, DOCTOR, IS SHE GOING TO BE A MOMMY? HOW DO I SAY THIS WITHOUT BREAKING YOUR HEARTS? NO.
OH, GOD.
DAMN.
I HAVE YOUR TEST RESULTS.
PEGGY I KNEW IT! I'LL NEVER GET PREGNANT.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? PEGGY, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
HE'S RIGHT, MRS.
HILL.
THERE'S NO POINT IN BLAMING YOURSELF.
IT'S HANK'S FAULT.
WHAT?! YOU WERE BORN WITH A NARROW URETHRA.
YEARS OF CHRONIC TENSION HAVE ONLY MADE IT WORSE.
I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU'LL EVER HAVE CHILDREN.
BUT BUT BUT THAT, UH THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
THE LAB REPORTS CONFIRM IT, ALTHOUGH I SUSPECTED AS MUCH WHEN IT TOOK YOU 30 MINUTES TO PRODUCE A URINE SAMPLE.
HEY, YOU WANT IT DONE QUICK OR YOU WANT IT DONE RIGHT? HANK, PLEASE CALM DOWN.
YOUR URETHRA WILL DISAPPEAR.
ISN'T THERE ANYTHING WE CAN DO? FOR STARTERS, WE CAN TRANSITION YOU TO BOXER SHORTS.
OR IF THAT'S UNACCEPTABLE I CAN PRESCRIBE A SPECIFIC SERIES OF SEXUAL TECHNIQUES.
A SERIES? ARE YOU SUGGESTING I BREAK THE LAW? OH, HANK, PLEASE.
HE IS JUST TRYING TO HELP US.
I SAW SOMETHING ON THE NEWS ABOUT A PROCEDURE CALLED IN-VITRO FERTILIZATION.
THEY MIX YOUR BOYS WITH ONE OF MY LADIES IN A TEST TUBE.
ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL? NO, IT'S TERRIBLE! IT'S SCIENCE RUN AMOK.
OH, HANK.
IT'S PERFECTLY SAFE, MR.
HILL.
THEY'VE TESTED IT ON ANIMALS.
COULDN'T WE JUST TRY IT? NO! IT'S WRONG ON HUMANS AND IT'S WRONG ON ANIMALS.
I'M SORRY, PEGGY.
I KNOW YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED BUT THAT'S JUST HOW I WAS RAISED-- BY MY MOTHER AND FATHER, NOT A TEST TUBE.
SO IS LADY BIRD GOING TO BE A MOMMY? SORRY, HANK.
MR.
STRICKLAND BETTER REFUND OUR $500.
I KNEW THAT STUD WAS NO GOOD.
HE WOULDN'T EVEN LOOK HER IN THE EYE.
IT AIN'T THE STUD'S FAULT, IT'S LADY BIRD'S.
I'M AFRAID SHE'S GOT A NARROW UTERUS.
AH, NO! SO SHE CAN'T HAVE PUPPIES? WELL, STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.
BUT, NO, SHE CAN'T.
I KNOW IT HURTS, LADY BIRD.
I'VE BEEN THERE MYSELF.
I JUST WISH I COULD SCOOP UP YOUR PAIN IN A LITTLE PLASTIC BAG AND THROW IT OUT.
HEY! GET OFF HER.
AH, FORGET IT.
KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.
BUDDY, NO.
DOWN.
I'M SO SORRY.
HEY, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
NO HARM, NO FOUL.
SEE, THE THING IS MY LADY BIRD HAS A NARROW UTERUS.
THE VET SAID SHE WILL NEVER KNOW THE PLEASURES OF MOTHERHOOD.
IN FACT I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO BURDEN YOU.
OH, NOT AT ALL.
WE WERE IN THE SAME SITUATION WITH BUDDY'S MOTHER.
TURNS OUT THERE'S ALL SORTS OF THINGS YOU CAN DO.
THERE ARE? LIKE WHAT? DIET, HORMONES BODY WORK SURGERY.
THERE'S A WHOLE WORLD OUT THERE.
WOW, I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING.
DO YOU AND YOUR BROTHER HAVE TIME TO GRAB A BEER? UH, SURE.
I KNOW JUST THE PLACE.
ASSAULT WITH A DEADLY WEAPON AND ATTEMPTED MURDER OF A POLICE OFFICER.
HE'S BEEN ON THE RUN ABOUT TWO DAYS.
OOH, ME, ME.
I'LL TAKE IT.
I HAD MY HAND UP FIRST.
WHY DO YOU KEEP GIVING ALL THE CASES TO THESE OTHER GUYS? BECAUSE THEY'RE EXPERIENCED PROFESSIONAL BOUNTY HUNTERS.
YOU'RE JUST SOME DELUDED BUG SPRAYER WHO TOOK A FOUR-HOUR COURSE, LEARNED CHOKE HOLDS AND GOT A HAT.
HMM, YOU ARE FAMILIAR WITH MY CREDENTIALS YET YOU STILL REFUSE TO GIVE ME A CASE? IF IT WILL SHUT YOU UP FUGITIVE'S NAME IS JAMES "JIMMY" HELSTROM AKA JIM HELSTROM.
WANTED FOR UNPAID PARKING TICKETS.
THE HUNT IS ON.
100.
7.
WOW, IT'S HOT IN A DOG'S HEAD.
( Peggy laughing ) OH, I LOVE THE BLOOPERS.
THE PRACTICAL JOKES, NOT SO MUCH.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M CHARTING LADY BIRD'S TEMPERATURE.
I'M GOING TO PINPOINT THE EXACT PERFECT MOMEN FOR HER TO MATE.
GIVE ME THAT! HANK, THAT THERMOMETER'S FOR COMPANY.
YOU KNOW THAT.
BUT I WAS USING IT.
I DON'T SEE WHY.
THE DOCTOR SAID LADY BIRD CANNOT GET PREGNANT.
I KNOW, I KNOW BUT THEN I MET SOME MEN, WE WENT TO A BAR AND BEFORE IT ALL WENT HORRIBLY WRONG THEY TOLD ME A BUNCH OF THINGS I CAN DO TO GET LADY BIRD PREGNANT.
100.
4.
SHE'S READY FOR A STUD.
PEGGY, QUICK, CALL BUCK STRICKLAND.
I PUT HIM ON THE SPEED DIAL.
JUST PRESS "PEGGY'S MOTHER.
" ( chuckling ) ARLEN FLORIST.
I'VE GOT SOME LONG-STEM ROSES FOR JIMMY HELSTROM.
( footsteps running ) ( door opening, closing ) ( car engine starting ) ( tires squealing ) WHAT THE "H" ARE YOU DOING? IT'S CALLED THE TELLINGTON TOUCH.
IT'S A BODY AWARENESS TECHNIQUE.
ALL THE TOP FERTILITY EXPERTS SWEAR BY IT.
MY GRANDMOTHER QUILTED THAT BLANKET.
PEGGY, NO.
I CAN'T MOVE HER FOR TWO HOURS.
SHE JUST MATED.
JUST GIVE ME THE FREAKING BLANKET.
THOUGHT YOU COULD OUTSMART ME, DID YOU J.
HELSTROM? ( chuckling ) ( snarling ) ( barking ) ( screams ) LADY BIRD? HEY, BOBBY, COME STAND WITH ME.
OKAY.
YOU KNOW, I JUST DON'T LIKE TO DRINK ALONE.
( slurping ) SO HOW'S SCHOOL? FINE.
THAT'S NICE.
FRIENDS? YEAH.
HUH.
UH, I GOT TO GIVE LADY BIRD HER HORMONE BISCUIT.
LET ME SEE THAT.
LADY BIRD IS GOING TO BE A MOMMY AND WE'LL HAVE A PUPPY AGAIN LIKE WHEN I WAS ONE YEAR OLD AND MY PARENTS GOT ME LADY BIRD.
BOY, THAT SURE IS A CUTE STORY.
BUT YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG.
YOUR PARENTS HAD THAT DOG A WHOLE YEAR BEFORE YOU CAME ALONG.
WHAT? OH, YEAH.
AS I RECALL YOUR MAMA WAS HAVING TROUBLE GETTING PREGNAN ON ACCOUNT OF YOUR DADDY'S NARROW DOO-HICKEY.
EVENTUALLY, THEY JUST GAVE UP ON EVER HAVING A CHILD OF THEIR OWN AND THEY DID THE NEXT BEST THING.
OH, HANK, THANK YOU.
SHE'S PERFECT.
( chuckling ) YEAH.
( chuckling ) YEAH.
HEY, HEY.
THEY GAVE UP ON HAVING A CHILD OF THEIR OWN BUT HERE I AM, A CHILD.
A CHILD DOESN'T JUST COME OUT OF NOWHERE.
MR.
DAUTERIVE, WAS I ADOPTED? I'LL TELL YOU, BOBBY IF YOU GET ME SOME MORE OF THESE COOKIES.
BUT THOSE ARE DOG HORMONE BISCUITS AND THAT'S THE LAST ONE AND THEY'RE FROM A SPECIAL STORE AND IT'S TWO MILES AWAY.
WELL, SORRY, BOBBY.
THAT'S THE DEAL.
( sighs ) UH-HUH.
UH-HUH.
OUTSTANDING.
WE'LL TAKE THE NEXT FLIGHT OUT.
NO, GOD BLESS YOU, DOCTOR.
WE DID IT, PEGGY.
LADY BIRD'S BEEN ACCEPTED INTO AN IN-VITRO FERTILIZATION PROGRAM UP AT MICHIGAN STATE.
IN-VITRO? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? TEST-TUBE PUPPIES.
THEY'RE USING THIS NEW EXPERIMENTAL FERTILITY DRUG.
I FIGURE IF IT'S SAFE ENOUGH FOR HUMANS IN FRANCE IT'S PROBABLY SAFE ENOUGH FOR DOGS IN AMERICA.
HANK HILL, IF YOU ARE THINKING OF FLYING YOUR DOG TO MICHIGAN TO GET HER PREGNAN DO NOT BOTHER BUYING A ROUND-TRIP TICKET.
RELAX, PEGGY.
I DON'T HAVE TO BUY ANYTHING.
UH, CAN I HAVE YOUR FREQUENT FLYER NUMBER? BUT I NEED THOSE MILES TO GET TO MY GREAT-AUNT'S FUNERAL NEXT YEAR.
FINE.
GO.
JUST DO NOT EXPECT ME TO BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK.
MOM, CAN I STAY WITH YOU FOR A FEW? OH, I'M SORRY, MR.
STRICKLAND.
GREAT NEWS, LADY BIRD.
WE'RE GOING TO OH, MY GOD! LET'S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT, LADY BIRD.
YOU WORK FOR ME.
OH, YOU'RE STILL HERE.
LADY BIRD'S GONE! WHAT HAPPENED? I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE YOU LEFT HER PEN OPEN BY MISTAKE, OF COURSE, AND SHE RAN AWAY.
YOU'RE BLAMING ME?! I WOULD HAVE TO BE PRETTY PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THA AND SPIT IN YOUR COFFEE EVERY DAY FOR A WEEK.
BUT WAIT WAIT A MINUTE.
"RECEIPT FROM DALE GRIBBLE, BOUNTY HUNTER.
"BORROWED: ONE DOG.
"PURPOSE: NAB FUGITIVE "AT 27 WHISTLER TERRACE SIGNED, DALE GRIBBLE, BOUNTY HUNTER.
" DAMN IT, DALE! ( snarling, barking ) ( whining ) OKAY, GRIBBLE, THIS IS IT.
TWO DAYS AND FOUR HOURS AGO YOU WERE AN UNTRAINED, UNTESTED NO-HAT.
NOW LOOK AT YOU.
( kiaiing ) FREEZE! BOUNTY HUNTER! FREEZE! BOUNTY HUNTER! ( theme from Sanford and Son playing ) ( music stops ) FREEZE! G'IH! G'IH! Hank: WHAT DO I WANT? A LEFT? A RIGHT? I WISH LADY BIRD WERE HERE.
SHE DOESN'T NEED A MAP.
WELL, THAT IS IT.
I AM SICK OF YOU ACTING LIKE YOU CARE MORE ABOUT THAT DOG THAN YOU DO ABOUT ME, YOUR HUMAN WIFE.
WHAT? I DON'T CARE MORE ABOUT OH, NO! LADY BIRD! SHE'S GOING TO DEHYDRATE IN THERE.
BETWEEN THIS SUN AND THE INCREDIBLE AIRTIGHT CONSTRUCTION OF AN AMERICAN-MADE TRUCK I'D SAY SHE'S GOT ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.
I'M GOING IN.
ARE YOU LOCO? AS SOON AS YOU STEP FOOT OUT THERE THOSE ATTACK DOGS WILL ATTACK YOU TO SHREDS.
I BET IF I WERE STUCK IN A TRUCK YOU WOULD LEAVE ME THERE.
PEGGY, HOW WOULD YOU EVER GET STUCK IN A TRUCK? I DON'T KNOW.
THE HANDLE COULD BREAK OFF.
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
ALL WEEK, I HAVE WATCHED YOU JUMP THROUGH HOOPS TRYING TO GET LADY BIRD PREGNAN AND YOU NEVER JUMPED THROUGH ANY HOOPS FOR ME.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU NEVER PUT A THERMOMETER IN MY EAR.
OF COURSE NOT.
WHY WOULD I? OH, SEE? YOU ADMIT YOU LOVE HER MORE.
THAT'S CRAZY.
I DIDN'T DO ALL THAT THERMOMETER STUFF WITH YOU 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, WHERE'S THE ROMANCE? WITH LADY BIRD, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
SHE'S ONLY A DOG.
SHE'S NOT MY WIFE.
YOU'RE MY WIFE.
WELL, I KNOW.
IT'S JUST ( sniffling ) WELL, SOMETIMES A WOMAN NEEDS TO HEAR IT.
WHY WOULD YOU BE JEALOUS OF LADY BIRD? YOU DON'T WANT TO GET PREGNANT DO YOU? I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE.
I THINK I'D RATHER HAVE ANOTHER BABY RIGHT NOW THAN ANOTHER PUPPY.
ME, TOO.
THAT'S WHY I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET LADY BIRD PREGNANT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THOSE MEN IN THAT BAR TOLD YOU BUT THAT IS NOT HOW YOU HAVE A BABY.
I KNOW THAT.
BUT REMEMBER WHEN WE FIRST GOT LADY BIRD? I ALWAYS KIND OF BELIEVED THAT PLAYING WITH THAT PUPPY WAS THE ONE THING THAT FINALLY RELAXED ME AND MY URETH UH WELL, ME ENOUGH FOR US TO HAVE A BABY.
I JUST THOUGHT IF WE HAD ANOTHER PUPPY IN THE HOUSE UH YOU KNOW.
OH, HANK.
OH.
HANG IN THERE, LADY BIRD.
MAMA'S COMING.
EASY EASY I'M COOL, MAN.
G'IH! G'IH! EASY EASY BE CAREFUL, HANK.
NINE TIMES OUT OF TEN THEY GO RIGHT FOR THE CROTCH AND I SEE TEN DOGS OUT THERE.
COME ON GIRL, COME ON.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
SHAKE HANDS.
SHAKE HANDS.
THAT'S IT.
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
( screaming ) WHY ARE YOUR ARMS SHAKING, MR.
BOUNTY HUNTER IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME? GETTING TIRED? YES.
VERY TIRED.
NICE HAT.
BACK ATCHA.
JUMP, LADY BIRD! JUMP! GOOD GIRL.
OKAY, LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
SEAT BELTS, PLEASE.
( panting ) HERE YOU GO, MR.
DAUTERIVE.
ONLY EIGHT? THOSE COST $26.
OKAY, BOBBY.
ASK YOUR QUESTION.
( sighs ) MR.
DAUTERIVE MM-HMM? AM I ADOPTED? NO.
NOW, I'LL TELL YOU YOUR MIDDLE NAME IF YOU GET ME A GLASS A MILK.
OKAY.
( Peggy laughing ) ( theme from What's Happening? playing ) MORE SPAGHETTI-OS?