Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s03e04 Episode Script

SNORING ALARM RINGS Hmm! Answer the phone, Foggy.
In the jungle, I could have crept up on you and cut your throat! Wake up! It's a beautiful day outside! It's not unpleasant in here.
Agh! Don't-don't pull it.
Don't pull that lever! What lever? Why is that sheet round your neck? Have they gone? Who? Them Chinese! Unless they're on the fire escape with your ferrets, yes.
The last thing I remember, they were trying to put this noose round me neck.
Pretty unusual for ferrets.
Look at the state of your bed.
It looks like Liberace's shirt front.
I'll never go to that Chinese chippie again! I warned you no good would come of gorging yourself on bamboo shoots.
Bamboo is for sharpening and sticking up your enemy's fingernails! I've come to Scarborough to try and enjoy meself.
Come along, my lovelies.
Oh, no! Not in here.
They smell to high Not on my bed! I've got to give them their breakfast.
What's the matter with you? Come along, my little lovelies, here we are.
Sweet and sour and mushy peas.
Get out! Go on, get out! I've got to give them their breakfast, you daft Don't worry, I know what will clear your tubes for you and set you back on your feet with every nerve tingling! A swim before breakfast.
I'll go by myself, then.
Hey up, this should be good.
We'll come and watch.
You have a real flair for stupidity.
No wonder we used to have an Empire.
We used to have an Hippodrome an' all.
I was talking about the British Empire.
Oh.
No wonder at all when we can breed fearless idiots like Foggy here who will go to any lengths to impress the natives.
I don't know why you're making all the fuss.
In any regime of physical fitness a dip in the early morning is routine.
In the North Sea? Other people swim in the North Sea.
Only if they fall off a boat.
It might turn your popsicles blue.
What are you talking about, popsicles? Sounds like a frozen lolly.
He'll BE like a frozen lolly.
Yes, well, my Uncle Fortnum used to swim in one of the coldest rivers in North America.
It must have cost him a bit in bus fares.
He lived there among the moose and caribou.
The what? Very tall ferrets.
Yes, what'll we do about your ferrets? Feed 'em, water 'em and give 'em exercise.
I'm not exercising them! Don't get stroppy or you'll end up showing the wrong side to folk.
Just keep that towel up and eyes to the front.
.
.
And you.
Bringing ferrets into a respectable boarding house(!) I couldn't leave them to starve, so shut up! Get your eyes to the front.
Oooh! Who are you kidding anyway, all this getting undressed? I bet he doesn't go out any deeper than his ankle.
The water holds no terrors for the Anglo Saxon.
No, there's Viking blood in these veins.
Notice the blond hair.
My ancestors could go a thousand miles in an open boat wearing little more than some carpet.
Your Harold used to dress like that.
All the time.
They probably landed on this exact spot where we're standing and then rushed off to do their looting and raping.
It sounds like your Harold.
.
.
No, he had to pack it all in since he's hurt his back.
Lifting something heavy like a security grill? It's quite obvious that you're looking forward to this swim.
You're coming out in tiny goose pimples of pure happiness.
We'll put a stop to that by quickly sprinting into the sea.
Don't, Foggy.
It's just that initial shock and then a marvellous feeling of well-being.
Oh-ho-oh! Trouble is some folk won't listen.
I suppose he's had the sudden shock he was on about, so this must be that feeling of well-being.
Marvellous! You should come in.
My, he HAS enjoyed it.
He's feeling better now.
You could have heard his teeth rattling on the way home.
It were like a spin dryer full of marbles.
Very invigorating.
WHAT? We had to massage tha' leg before tha' could walk.
Touch of cramp.
It was very pleasant out there, all them summer greens and blues and that was just his left leg.
What are we going to do today? I'm going fishing.
He only goes seven days a week(!) This is sea fishing.
Come with us.
What about thee, Nora? Shall we steal away, just thee and me? Are you going to sit there while he insults me? No, I thought I'd have a look at the lifeboat.
Just while he insults you.
What? They fascinate me, they lifeboats.
I want to go to the zoo and Marineland.
What are you going to do, Wally? I thought I'd go and have a look at the zoo and Marineland.
It fascinates me, the zoo and Marineland.
Where are you taking me? It's a surprise till you tell me.
Where are you taking us, O Great White Leader? O Great White Leader? Hey up! He's having a little think.
O Great White Leadie-Leadie-Leader? What day is it? We only got here Saturday so this must be Sunday.
Yes, Sunday.
The day set aside for worship.
Church parade.
Church?! Look whose hand is trembling now.
On holiday, the last person you expect to see is the Lord.
I suppose because he doesn't advertise as much as Max Jaffa.
Anyway, there's an excuse for going when you're at home.
Nowt is open.
What's up with you, love? Off your food? He's thinking about religion.
Oh, heck.
Why did you tell her that? She'll think I'm weird.
Why should anyone think you're weird? I'm sure everybody brings his ferrets on holiday.
# All things wise and wonderful # The Lord God made them all # Each little flower that opens # Aaaagh! I am terribly sorry but you cannot bring your ferrets into my church.
They've been baptised.
I don't care if they've been ordained.
Out! Out! Out! Don't panic! I've got them stuffed up my jumper.
They won't get away again.
Listen, I'm off fishing.
I'll pick you up later, after I've given these two frisky devils a gallop.
Come on, now, Foggy and me aren't really frisky devils.
'I've never been so humiliated in all my life.
' Don't say that, Foggy.
You've still got nearly a whole day to go.
Does tha' reckon this thing's safe? It's not the north face of the Eiger we're descending.
Of course it's safe.
Then what are you clutching me arm for? Hey! He thinks he's a U-boat commander.
Foggy von Dewhurst, I like it.
I'll sink him without trace if he fetches those furry hooligans out.
They need exercise.
That's not what the vicar thought! He had no need to swipe them.
Very Christian(!) Couldn't have been nastier if he'd been an atheist.
You'll be sorted out on the Day of Judgement.
The National Assistance will be asking one or two nasty questions! I just needed something suitable.
How many vacancies are there for poacher to Raquel Welch? I told them what I wanted to be.
What? A big game hunter.
Filling in the forms didn't get me anywhere.
Typical! Ready to go big game hunting as long as it's round Huddersfield.
There are quite a few native settlements these days on the banks of the Calder.
Love to go on safari if the council provides a free bus and you're back for bingo! Hey! Do you want a lick? You know what he's looking at through them glasses? That old lass over there showing her garters.
I'm trying to identify that shape.
I know! The old lass showing her garters! It happens to be Gordon who is gazing very forlornly into the sea.
I think that lad wants cheering up.
They say our ancestors came out of the sea.
Yet I have the strange feeling that my grandad came from Wakefield.
And granny would never have married him if he'd been wet.
She was that sort of a woman.
Everything had to be respectable.
There was this unspoken assumption that nice people had no legs.
Did they have fags what they handed round to people that couldn't reach because their sleeves were too long? You rotten lot.
WHISTLE Come on, boys and girls, give Flipper a hand.
What are you doing with a face like that? It's the only one I've got.
You can alter it.
It doesn't have to look like a crepe hanger's map.
- You're not going to a funeral.
- With my luck, I never will be.
You talk yourself into being miserable.
No, I don't.
I just have to listen.
Get off! What must people think? You're on holiday.
If you'd come alone then I'd have been on holiday.
Remember that smashing fortnight when you went to nurse your mother? That's much better.
That's how I like to see you.
"I love you, Dominique, he said.
"His eyes, burning like hot coals, looked deep into her own.
"She gasped at the touch of his strong but gentle hands.
"In the moonlight she traced the contours of his face with her finger.
"The blood raced through her veins.
"His lithe body moved next to hers.
"A thousand magic sensations shivered through her.
"What must it be like, the joy of waking in the morning to find him there? "There, sleeping by her side.
This was her man.
"She reached for him, gently.
" What's up? Talk to me.
What? You never talk to me.
Not even when we well, you know.
What? Not even when we make love.
Not much to talk about, is it, the rate we go at it? You still do it as if your mother's watching.
It's you.
You're not thoughtful enough.
I do far more thinking about it than getting it! That's YOUR fault.
You should try and (You should try and rouse me more.
) You play roasted hell with me as it is! Shut up shouting! That's all you're good at, barging in with two feet.
It's the same when you get that look.
I always know when you feel like messing about.
Oh, lovely! That puts it straight on a high spiritual plane(!) Where do you put it? With your smart, sophisticated romantic approaches? I get a smack across the backside, one boozy wink and that's supposed to throw me senses in a whirl.
Do you remember what you said when I tried to squeeze you? Will you keep your voice down? Not quite but something similar.
I don't think Gordon's really wild about this.
I don't think Gordon's too wild about this either(!) Gordon! Cheer up, Gordon.
Gor-don! Oh, no.
Our Gordon still looks bored.
It's the loneliness.
Those of us who have been called to military command know all about loneliness.
You said you were a corporal.
If I'd taken a commission who would have painted the 10 foot regimental badge? It was done free-hand in defiance of every tradition.
I have seen sergeants fall silent in front of it.
It was my Sistine Chapel.
What Gordon wants is a more active hobby like day dreaming.
What Gordon wants is the pain and magic of having a bird.
Isn't it wonderful to think you can transform your life by buying a canary? With the women you've had what do you know about pain and magic? Do you mean big Audrey who used to twist your arm? Only when she wanted money.
Birds is wild and mysterious.
Oh, a savage canary? Your birds are certainly wild.
I've heard about that 'orrible thing you picked up at the Labour Exchange.
Work? No, not work.
Her with the steel toecaps.
Oh, that were Edna.
I shall always remember Edna.
Cover yourself up.
Gordon, your nose is red.
If the cars start to queue up you better find something green to wave.
Gordon, put your rod down.
We can see it from the window while we have a cup of tea.
Has tha' caught owt? Three.
I threw 'em straight back again.
I like your Gordon.
Do you get bored fishing? Bored with fishing? You're on edge all the time.
Something could happen any minute.
Aye, your cap could blow off.
Or it could rain.
It's man the hunter pitting his wits against little silvery waterproof ferrets instead of leaving them to their natural habitat of chips and peas.
They're sometimes very cunning.
Gordon has tha' thought about pitting tha' wits against the female of the species? It's not always easy to tell whether fish are male or female.
He's not talking about fish, he's talking about ladies in skirts or in his case, steel-toed boots.
She only wore 'em for work.
Women, Gordon.
Them what scream when they see you handling your maggots.
Our breadman screams when he sees me handling me maggots.
Him with the lace cuffs? Aye.
Lace cuffs? On his nylon overall.
Norman, it's a long story.
I suppose they need effeminate breadmen for people who like effeminate bread.
Gordon, one of the joys of coming away on holiday is that it gives you the chance to meet interesting people of the opposite sex.
I never know what to say to women.
They never seem impressed.
Husbands can vouch for that.
Sit down! You teach us how to fish and we'll teach you how to chat up the odd bird.
And when he says odd bird he DOES mean odd bird! You bring it back over your head with a gentle sweeping motion.
Sounds similar to my school of Japanese sword play.
Then give it a quick flick.
Any kendo expert should be at home.
Shut tha' cakehole.
I'm concentrating.
The weight of the rod and cast sends it snaking out for hundreds of yards.
I don't know how far I'm going to throw it.
Don't let go the handle or you'll have to go swimming! He'll soon pick it up.
It gets exciting.
HORN BLASTS You're right, Gordon.
It looks exciting.
I hope he sends us a postcard.
I wonder what he's done with my rod.
You keep on chucking them back anyway.
Hey up, it's the Old Man From The Sea, himself.
Where have you been? Down that disco.
There's some lovely bits of stuff down there.
You want to sort yourself out.
I'm comfy here.
You can overcome your shyness by pure effort of will.
Or getting stonkers.
You need the determination to drink that, go down that disco .
.
and pick up the best crumpet on the floor.
Or even one still on her feet! You see, once you've made your mind up you CAN do it! .
.
I don't know.
Wrong! You DO know.
You can feel the determination flowing through thee.
Come on! Ah! That's it.
Go, go, go, Gordon.
Go, go, go, go, Gordon.
Go, go.
That's marvellous.
It's just leadership.
I didn't go on the Senior NCO's course for nothing.
I didn't know you had to pay.
Fancy saving up to be a corporal.
No, I was officer material.
If the war hadn't ended I'd have had a commission.
Don't blame me for the early peace.
I wasn't fighting all that hard.
Not what Nora Batty said on VE night.
Come on, drink up, lads, I'll get another round.
My turn I think.
Oh look, there's a chap just like your Gordon going up the road.
That IS our Gordon.
His determination has faltered.
I should have gone with him.
Very irresistible that would have been(!) I could take a bird to the digs.
It's not that kind of digs.
I could pick up a lovely piece of crackling.
What makes you feel you could attract any female? Sit down, lads.
Just watch the old master at work.
# I was born under a wand'ring star # I don't talk much.
I used to be engaged to a blabbermouth.
I appreciate quietness.
It's your move.
Oh, yeah.
Is he back yet, your Uncle Bill? I thought he was with you.
He's gone off in search of romantic interest.
You can say women, Foggy.
It's not a four-letter word.
SINGING What's that dreadful noise? This is Josie.
She's from back home.
What disgraceful behaviour.
How do you do? We've just started a game.
I think it must be a ladies' choir from the local building site.
Look! Look, it's him.
Horrible little man.
Turn 'em out.
Let's have them on the pavement.
Hey, I've I've found thee a bird.
This is Josie, Uncle Bill.
We're just playing chess Are they with you? Are you coming? That's her mate.
Yours is all right.
Are we going to stay here all night? I had to tell them that we worked on an oil rig.
On an oil rig?! What do you mean, "we"? I got one for each of us, you see.
Let us in or we'll have the door in! It's time to feed your ferrets.
Good idea.
No! What will I do with four of them? The mind boggles! Don't you want a bit of fun? I don't want a bit of anything.
Rotten lot.
Come on! Listen, Gordon two apiece could be fun We'll show you a good time, darling! Oh, heck! That's it! That's the last time I go out trying to pick up birds for you two.
Thank heaven for that! Supposing they'd raped us, fully clothed.
It doesn't bear thinking about.
Oh, I don't know.
It was a bit of excitement.
Something to remember.
One of the joys of going on holiday is the chance to meet interesting people of the opposite sex.
They didn't mean any harm.
You can tackle them but if I were you I'd tell them it's a very small oil rig.
For lighter fuel.
For lighter fuel.