Rules of Engagement s03e04 Episode Script

Hey.
How'd you do in your game? Good.
Three hits, four hot dogs, five beers.
Nice.
What am I looking at here? Where? Down here.
This thing is blocking my view of the floor.
Just a little area rug.
I picked it up this morning.
All right, so I know what it is and who did it.
Still haven't established a motive.
I've been thinking it would be nice to add a little color to our kitchen.
So this morning I saw that, thought it worked well, so I bought it.
What'd they get you for? They didn't "get me", babe, it cost $80.
Oh, they got you.
I thought it was pretty, okay? It's an extension of my style.
Your style wasn't long enough? Can't I do things to make our home more pleasant without every time having to go through this? Hey, I have to hear that speech every time.
You're right, Jeff.
You know, why make our apartment nicer? Why buy things? Why have art? Why do anything? That's all I'm saying.
* How many ways To say, "I love you?" * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * I'll have three eggs: One sunny-side up, the other over easy, and the third, surprise me.
Surprise! Your cholesterol's a million.
You can just have them make it with egg whites.
Sorry.
Oh, and half a dozen brownies to go.
No, I said I would bake brownies.
Jeff's dad's coming for a visit, which means I have to put on an apron and make dessert for the menfolk.
Where's he coming in from? Nineteen-fifty seven.
Hey.
Is it asking too much we make him feel at home in our apartment? Oh, Fine.
Thank you.
Just don't forget you have an actual modern-day wife, okay? Let me say that I swear on the souls of my grandchildren that I will not be the one to break the peace that we have made here today.
Why's he looking at me? The Godfather? Oh, no.
I never saw it.
You've never seen The Godfather? Oh, here we go.
My parents were hippies.
They didn't want me to watch anything violent.
Close your eyes, because I'm gonna punch you in the face.
All my friendships are based on the shared love of the greatest film of all time.
I've been trying to get Adam to watch.
Gone With the Wind since we met.
If you have any hope for the future of our friendship, you'll make this right.
Your Your breath is really warm.
Now look, the little kid from Jerry Maguire grew up.
Easy, Stonehenge.
I'm in no mood.
Aw.
Which ride were you not tall enough to go on? All right, listen, so I had a date last night.
And it's pretty normal, chat, chat, chat, drink, drink, drink, we go back to my place, everything comes off, "Oh, I needs it.
", "Well, oh, I gots it.
" Game over, thanks for playing.
I'm assuming that was all in real time.
The problem is, I wake up this morning, she's still there.
You should have paid her in advance.
You must have been in a bad accident.
Looks like both airbags deployed.
So, uh, it's kind of understood, when a girl sleeps with me, she slinks out in the middle of the night before I get up.
It's called the "walk of shame," not the "lie there in bed next to me of shame.
" So So, what'd you do? So when she got in the shower I made a break for it.
Wait, what happens when she gets out of the shower? Ideally, she sees I'm gone, gets the hint, and hightails it out of there wondering what happened to her life and her pa-pa-panties.
So we drive it all the way back, we got one deer strapped to the roof, two tied to the sides, and one propped up in the back seat wearing sunglasses.
Uh? It was hilarious.
God, I wish I had been there.
It's a funny story, huh, Aud? Yes, what makes it funny is Is the high body count of defenseless animals.
Yeah.
I gotta tell you, it's really nice being here.
Boy, you're looking great, champ.
I'm glad your business is doing so well.
And Audrey, you're a gal who knows her way around a steak.
Oh, well, thanks, Roy.
I don't know if Jeff mentioned it, but, you know, I got a promotion at work.
Attagirl.
What'd you use for marinate? Some kind of teriyaki? Dad, remember you used to take us to Benihana's all the time? Yeah.
Hey, that was some good Chinese.
It's actually Japanese.
That's what all those waiters said too.
How about getting me another beer, sweetie? You know what, Roy? Jeff and I really want you to feel at home here.
So please, feel free, any time you want, just go walk right into the kitchen and get yourself a beer I'll get it for you.
No, no, she's right.
She's right.
Two tours in 'Nam, I can certainly get my own beer.
Be right back.
You see that? People can change.
All it takes is a little encouragement from the right person.
Aw! Oh! Pop, what happened? Stupid rug.
Thank God the Vietcong didn't have these.
This is my new favorite movie.
Ooh, take that, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
Whoa.
Pause it.
Oh, no it's my doorman Ernesto.
Heather's still at my place.
Looks like we got us a stayer.
What's a stayer? Uh, how do I put this in a way that's not demeaning to women? Are you familiar with barnacles? Okay, I get it.
Yeah, you know what, it's my own fault.
I'm too nice.
Time to scrape the hull.
What are you going to do? I'm gonna have my super shut off the water.
Oh, you wanna dance, Heather? We'll dance.
I just hope dancing doesn't make you thirsty.
What are you guys? The Godfather? Really? What? I've been begging you to watch.
Gone With the Wind forever, and you blow me off.
Jeff tells you to watch The Godfather, and you rent it like you're his bitch? I'm not his bitch.
He just makes me do stuff sometimes.
You wanted me to go to the X Games with you, I did.
You wanted me to play paintball with you, I did.
And you shot me in the neck.
Because you gave away our position.
My point is, I did it because it was important to you.
Yikes.
I thought that would never end.
Where are you going? I'm watching Gone With the Wind.
Why? Because, Russell, she's right.
If it's important to her, it's important to me.
She's my fiancée.
Oh, fine, let a woman dictate how you run your life.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going anywhere but home.
Hey, Audrey, honey? Yes, Roy? I got a dead soldier here.
Hit me again, would you? Sure, yeah.
Did you not like the brownies I made? Specifically for you? Ah.
I'm not a big nut guy.
I guess I could make you another batch.
Only if it's not too much trouble.
A little gooier this time, as long as you're redoing them, huh? Hey, Pop.
Hey.
How's that ankle feeling? Not great.
I gotta keep it elevated, so the beer's not getting to it.
Where's Audrey? In her office.
That's a good one.
Hey, Aud.
Hey.
Nine brownies in the trash? Yes, Rain Man.
They were too nutty, and your dad likes them gooey I like them cakey.
Explain that.
You know, I am sorry about his ankle, but in the last hour I have fetched him beers, I have made him a sandwich, I fluffed his pillows and tracked down the phone number for Frito-Lay.
He had both a question and a comment.
Aud, it's not like the ankle thing was his fault.
He's not the one who put out the $80 rug of death.
What a surprise, you're siding with him.
I don't always side with him.
For example, he likes his brownies gooey, whereas I like mine Cakey.
Hm.
Maybe I should use the old horse's head trick to get Heather out of my place.
She's been in bed with you.
I don't think a horse's head would scare her.
Oh.
The Godfather.
I see.
The reason we're watching The Godfather, Jennifer, is because I finished Gone With the Wind.
Really? You did? Mm-hm.
As God is my witness.
Oh, yuck, look, it's skin crawling.
Did you like it? Oh, yeah.
It was totally sweeping, and And epic-y.
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
" Screw you, you're the one who made me watch it.
No, it's from the movie.
At the end.
Oh, yeah, the end when she's never going to be hungry again.
No.
That's the end of part one.
There There's a part two? Yes.
Did you know about this? I kinda did.
You are gonna love part two even more.
Watch it while I go to the gym, and then we can talk about it.
Okay, it's It's great.
I I can't do this.
I mean, part one already stole my youth.
All right, I'll tell you what.
We'll watch the end of Godfather, and then I'll summarize the rest of Gone With the Wind.
Give you all the key talking points so when Jen comes back you're good to go.
Okay, I I just can't believe I'm taking advice from someone who's trying to smoke a woman out of the hole.
Oh, my God, thank you.
That's great.
Ernesto, do you have any smoke bombs leftover fromCinco de Mayo? Excellent.
All right, here's what we do.
Thanks, sweetie.
Oh, and Aud.
What do you need, Roy? Another utensil to scratch under your boot, or is the cake knife from our wedding still doing the trick? I was just gonna say that I'm sorry for putting you out like this.
I know you've been busting your hump for me all day, and I appreciate it.
Oh, well, thanks, Roy.
There is actually just one more little thing, and then I promise I promise, I won't ask for anything else.
Sure.
What is it? I'm gonna need the info on your homeowner's policy.
For what? I got a file to claim on my ankle.
You're suing us? I'm sorry.
I'll wait till Jeff gets home.
He'll know where the important papers are.
Hey, you're getting there.
Hey, Pop, Aud.
Hey, Jeff.
Dad and I over here just chatting about his plans to sue us.
What? It's not suing, it's just one big company taking money from another big company.
I mean, these doctor bills and x-rays, they're not gonna pay for themselves.
Yeah, that's true.
That's true? Jeff, can I see you in the kitchen? Careful, son.
That rug might be lying in wait, like Charlie in a rice paddy.
What's with the green grapes? I thought we were red grape people.
Shut up.
Your father is suing us.
This is insane! Stop yelling, I don't want Dad to hear.
Hi, can we use your apartment for just a second? Sure.
Come on in.
Thanks.
How the hell can you think this is okay? A father should not sue his son and his daughter-in-law! He's not suing us, he's just filing a claim.
Oh.
Jeff, I am right, and he is wrong.
Just once, take my side! It's not personal.
It's business.
Oh, hey, that's what Tom Hagen said to Sonny.
You watched it.
You made me an offer I couldn't refuse.
How great is the restaurant scene? Jeff! Look, there's no need to get all emotional about this.
Oh, of course, the woman is emotional.
You sound just like him.
Hey, I take that as a compliment.
My father is a great guy.
Yes, in many ways, yes.
But he's always thought women are inferior.
That's not true.
He's crazy about my mom.
Because she spends all her time waiting on him hand and foot.
But you know what? Now you can take care of him.
Because I am done.
You and Jen set that wedding day yet? Oh, this is unbelievable.
What now? It's a text from Ernesto.
Smoke bombs are a no go, but my stayer ordered a pizza.
You're good, Heather.
But I'm better.
Hey, Ernesto, are you hungry? Take it down.
So? Hey.
Was the second half as good as the first? Oh, even better.
Okay, tell me everything.
What'd you like? Oh.
Well, I thought it was pretty moving when Scarlett was reduced to picking cotton in the fields.
Oh, I know.
But Tara was that important to her.
I know, I know.
And when she made the dress out of the curtains? That's probably happening at my apartment as we speak.
All right, what else? Well, my favorite was all that cool stuff that happened to Rhett when he went out west and met the local Sioux tribe.
What? You know, and they gradually accept him.
And then he meets that white woman who was raised by Indians Are you talking about Dances With Wolves? No! You kinda are.
What? I didn't really saw the end of Gone With the Wind either.
Why would you do that? Listen, in my defense, I wanted to watch The Godfather, and I don't care if I create problems for other people.
Like old times, huh, sport? Yeah.
When I was little, I used to sit on your lap and watch the Mets.
Mm.
By the fourth inning, I couldn't feel my legs.
You were never little, sport.
Yeah, and Mom would bring you a beer, and me a root beer.
Remember the time we got them mixed up? No.
I'm not surprised.
You were pretty smashed.
Speaking of which, I could use another cold one.
I got you, Pop.
What? Hey, no, you don't have to do that, son.
Where's Audrey? Well, she went to the gym.
You know, Pop, Audrey was kind of put out by that whole insurance thing.
I hope she gets back soon.
I'm feeling a little peckish.
I'm sure you heard me.
I was saying she was upset before.
Well, I'm not surprised.
She's like your mom, you know.
They tend to get emotional.
Yeah, I did check with our insurance guy and he said that our premiums would probably go up.
Yeah, that's how they get you.
In this case, that's how they get me.
Hey, she'll still be able to buy her stupid rugs.
Hey, it's not stupid.
It adds color to the kitchen.
It's an extension of Audrey's style.
Okay, just get me the beer.
You know what, Pop? Audrey was right.
About what? You don't file a claim against your own family.
And you don't come in here and treat my wife like a second-class citizen.
Whoa, this is the way you talk to your father? When he's got it coming.
You can act like some kind of caveman in your own home, but in our house, women are equal to men.
They're men with boobs.
Okay, it's official.
Thank you for watching Gone with the Wind.
So I passed? Yeah, you got eight, out of the 10 multiple choice right.
And your essay was solid but not spectacular.
Hey, guys.
This is Heather.
Heather, this is Adam and Jenn.
I'm gonna go to the ladies.
Can you order me something? I haven't eaten in so long, I'm pretty lightheaded.
Yeah, you got it.
Yeah.
So, that's the stayer? Oh, yeah.
Thirty-seven hours she stuck it out.
No food, no running water.
Just the clothes on her back.
Wow.
So why'd you finally go home? Was it the government's new No Skank Left Behind law? No, it wasn't.
You know, the longer she hung in there, the more impressed I was with her sheer force of will.
She really earned my respect and deserves a reward.
Oh, and going out with you is the reward? I'm sorry, I was distracted by the crumb in your mustache.
Hey, at least she can grow a mustache.
Don't help.
Okay, thanks, Oscar.
Dad, your cab's outside.
Better hurry.
The meter's probably running.
That's how they get you.
Hey.
Thanks again.
Hey, all 21st century men help with the dishes.
I meant thank you for sticking up for me with your dad.
Well, you know.
I know.
You are a good man.
And you are a good man with boobs.
Come on, guys, I'm ready.
You know that meter's running.
Well, goodbye, Roy.
Sorry again about your ankle.
Just think of my busted tendon as an extension of your style.
And I'm sorry I was such a pain in the ass.
Ah, don't worry about it.
Here, some brownies for the road.
Oh.
Gooey? You'll need a straw.
Come here.
Come here, hey.
Son? Nice seeing you, Pop.
Okay, buddy.
Thanks for everything, guys.
See you a week from Thursday.
You got it.
Wait.
What's a week from Thursday? The, uh, deposition.
What? I thought you told him not to pursue that.
I did, but it doesn't mean he listened.
He's my dad.
Unbelievable.
At least you and I are on the same side.
How do you figure? Codefendants.
Hm? Yeah.
Mm-hm.
Mm, cakey.
"I know it was you, Fredo.
"You broke my heart.
You broke my heart.
" You watched Part Two? "You keep your friends close but your enemies closer.
" "In my home! In my bedroom! Where my wife sleeps, and my children play with their toys!" Both of those movies are unbelievable.
I told you.
Welcome back, friend.
And you will be happy to know that I also watched Part Three.
Best one of all! What? You're dead to me.