Bob's Burgers s03e05 Episode Script

Faster, faster, you beast! This is as fast as it goes, Gene.
It has a messed-up wheel.
And a lot of junk in the trunk.
More to push.
Yes, Gene.
You love it.
Beep-beep! Here we are in Turkey Town.
Oh, hello there.
Which one of you lucky fellas wants to get eaten by me this Thursday? Me! No, me! Okay, settle down everyone.
So Dad's talking to turkeys now? Sheesh, Dad.
Get an oven.
Your dad loves Thanksgiving.
It's his favorite holiday.
Will it be you? You're a big one.
- You been working out? - A little.
Well, you look great.
Yeah, it's a little weird, but it's his selection process.
It's like The Bachelor, but at the end, the one he chooses gets eaten.
That's what happens on the real Bachelor, too.
They just don't show it on camera.
Hey Bob, what about me? Oh, yeah.
Sorry, I didn't see you there.
I hope he waits to get it home before he stuffs it.
Yes Yes, it's you.
Really? Really.
Hey, thank you so much.
I don't know what to say.
It's okay, don't say anything.
Oh, Bob.
Dad, are you crying? Shh! Let them have their moment.
Yes! Come on.
Let's go get stuffing.
Come on.
You're the one! Come on! You are the one! That turkey is our mom now.
Uh, Mr.
Fischoeder.
Um, it's not December yet.
And I, I paid November's rent a few days ago.
I know I used a lot of pennies, but Stand down, Bob.
I'm just here as a friend.
A friend who needs to borrow your family for Thanksgiving.
What? I need to borrow your family for Thanksgiving dinner.
Why? Bob, have you ever been in love? I- I guess.
I- I technically am.
Hi! Well, Bob, I was in love once, too.
Oh, sick! With Shelby Schnabel, the most famous sharpshooter since Annie Oakley.
You lost me at "love" but brought me back with "sharpshooter.
" She left me for a married oil magnate.
Then she left him for a married movie magnate.
She's a magnate magnet.
More like a homewrecker.
Exactly, which is why I need to give her a home to wreck.
If you want to wreck your home, buy a bunch of mice, like a normal person.
So, Bob, in exchange for one month's rent, can your family pretend to be my family? Yay! Acting! Mmm no.
From now on, call me Gene Fischoeder.
No wait, Vesuvio Fischoeder.
No, wait, Alabama Slammer! I'll need you, too, Bob, to pose as my cook and to roast the bird.
Definitely not.
Thanksgiving is this family's favorite holiday.
Eh.
Wait, it's not? No way.
Check the rankings.
my birthday, Christmas, Halloween Easter Hanukkah Snow Day, Amateur Night Uh, okay, that's Veterans Day Tooth Fairy Eve Not real.
Patrick's Day, May Day, Groundhog Day, season premiere of Game of Thrones You've never even seen Opposite Day, Day of the Dead Stop.
Dawn of the Dead, Carnivale Angela Lansbury's birthday No.
Bath Night Black Friday, then Thanksgiving.
Love Black Friday.
Black Friday before Thanksgiving? Yeah, 'cause it's dark.
Oh, come on guys, what about all of our Thanksgiving traditions? Gene and I always play football.
Always go for the feet.
Ow! Tina and I break the wishbone.
I wished for more wishbones.
And Louise, we use the giblets to play Turkey Crime Scene Miami.
Cause of death is a missing head.
Same as last year.
Same as every year.
We've got a serial killer on our hands! But everyone's favorite part is my funny toast, right? Like, last year, I said, if you want to open the door to this family, use the tur-key! Tur Oh, my gosh.
I just got it.
Let's up the ante.
Three months rent.
Bobby.
Two.
Gene, no.
Purple.
What are we guessing? Five.
Deal.
Wow, I didn't think you were gonna go Okay.
Uh well, that'll make a huge difference for us.
That's-that's like real money.
Goodie.
I'll send you all scripts for Thursday.
I want you to really get into your parts.
Just like I'm going to get into Shelby's parts.
Her lady parts.
Which are the lady parts? The vagina and the heart.
I can't believe my bridesmaid's dress from Ginger's wedding still fits me.
You look like an elegant sausage.
I hope I can breathe to do my Thanksgiving song.
I thought we settled on no song.
I hate plays that don't have songs.
I'll find a place to fit it in.
What's your Thanksgiving song? Uh, no, no, no, no, no.
Pass the cranberry sauce We're having mashed potatoes Ooh, the turkey looks great Lin Thank you for loving me Lin.
Thank you for being there Oh, God.
Everyone's thankin' Lin.
The whole world's thankin' you Stop, Lin.
Stop.
Thankin' us for thankin' you Lin.
Kill the turkey.
Please.
I liked it.
Thank you.
Okay, everyone, we're here.
Listen, I figured out how to have our own Thanksgiving, stuffed inside Fischoeder's Thanksgiving.
Like a turducken.
A poultry within a poultry.
It's like Inception, with meats.
Gene, before dinner, you come in and we'll play tackle in the kitchen.
Then send Tina in for the wishbone.
And then Louise.
And at exactly 8:00, you all say you have to go to the bathroom and then you come to the kitchen for my toast.
I'm only half listening.
Did you just say you want us to go to the bathroom in the kitchen? No, Louise.
Come on, guys, "Belcher Thanksgiving" on three, ready? One, two Ah, the Fischoeders! Come inside, family.
Yay.
Okay, uh You guys go.
I'm still excited.
Uh, can-can you open the door? Go around the back, cook.
Okay.
Still gonna be good.
This house was originally built by a paranoid arsenic manufacturer.
Oh, I bet there are actual skeletons in these closets.
And a dungeon full of Dungeness crabs.
I bet when you flush the toilets, the water evaporates upwards and forms a rainbow.
Two of you are correct.
You already signed your liability waivers, so go explore.
Awesome! So, Mr.
Fisch I was right about the toilets.
Huh, I thought the kitchen would be more, uh, mansion-y.
Mansions are for the owners, Bob, not the cooks.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going get drunk for dinner.
Do you mean dressed? Dressed out of my mind.
Got to loosen up, you know? Right, right.
Got to get my sex face on.
I can't wait to see it.
Well, Lin, this might not be so bad, right? This Thanksgiving.
Neh.
What? My hair! Now I got to go redo it.
Great.
Fine.
Guess I'll just be here, alone.
With uh with the turkey.
My name's Lance.
Sorry.
With Lance.
How are you, Lance? Pretty great.
Oh, there are my little Fischies.
Thanks for the new outfits.
Sometimes you need a make-under.
I'm glad you like them.
Now, our job tonight is to fool the woman of my dreams into believing that we are a loving, happy nuclear family that she can destroy.
Romantic.
In order to keep you kids motivated, we're going to be playing by arcade rules.
You'll be awarded these tickets for convincing performances as Fischoeder children.
Game on.
Wait, time out.
Okay, game on again.
I thought my shoe was untied.
The one with the most tickets at the end of the evening can claim a gift from my prize room.
The only prize I need is your love, father.
And we're off and running.
And just like every happy family, we now have a commissioned painng otius, holding the family crest covered in ten schlongs, which of course is German for "snakes.
" Oh-ho-ho.
Look at the schlongs.
Oh, she's here! She's here! Oh, God.
Ooh, I'm so nervous.
Places, people! Places! Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh.
You ready for the oven? I dunno, Bob.
It feels weird.
We should be doing this at home.
I know it's not the same, but it can still be fun.
Why don't you take a sip of that over there, Bob? That? Yeah, that green bottle.
It's, uh, absinthe.
Doesn't this make you hallucinate? Carpe diem! - What? - Seize the day.
All right, I'll take a little sip.
This can't be that bad.
Whoa.
Weird.
Bob! Bob! Bob! What? Can you leave the oven light on for me? I get scared.
So cute.
Here's the light.
It's too bright.
Shelby, may I present my wife, Linda.
Pleasure to meet you, Linda.
Oh, I like that name, Linda.
And I'm Linda.
Moving right along, these are my children, Gina, Team, and Lucy.
Welcome to our happy home.
Any ex-lover of my father's is a friend of mine.
What unusual children.
Calvin, your sperm did wonderfully.
She took my sperm and ran with it.
Because I'm his Because I Because I'm his wife.
Thank you, Linda.
Say, do you kids like bullets? I think all kids like bullets.
Think fast! Whoa! Whoa.
Wow! Calvin, you kept my old rifle.
You weren't carrying a torch for me all these years, were you? Oh, of course not, I was just holding it for you.
You can have it back.
You don't mind if I cock this thing in here, do you? Cock away.
Ow! Loud! That trick's called the "Reverse Cowgirl.
" I bet you could pierce Gene's ear from there.
Ooh, do my belly button! Not till you're 18.
If you teach me to shoot, I'll teach you to regret teaching me to shoot.
And I can teach you to make burgers, like in our restau Eh, eh! What is she talking about? All this talk about shooting is making me thirsty.
Why don't we pull the trigger on a glass of wine? Ha-ha.
I'm funny.
I'm his funny wife.
Being a family man suits you, Calvin.
Hmm.
You look better than I remember.
When will Thanksgiving be over? I want it to be Father's Day every day! Very nice.
Here, Father, let me refill your glass.
You must be dehydrated from being so wonderful.
Take it down a notch or two.
Hey, Dad, remember when we did that thing that was fun and memorable? That's pathetic.
Um, hello, I'm your chef.
Yes, this is our chef, uh, Burt.
Here are your salads, and now I will, uh, go tackle the turkey.
Did you hear that, Gene? I'm gonna go tackle the turkey.
Tackle away.
Tackle the turkey.
Ah! Ow.
Oh! That was a great shot.
Really, really funny.
Do another one.
Ooh! Do a crouton.
Uh, no, I'm gonna go back to the kitchen now.
So, uh, here I go.
Back to the kitchen.
Gene, go apologize to the cook.
Gene! Buddy, football time.
Let the traditions begin.
Let's make this quick.
All right, I got the ball on the one yard line Hut, one! Hut, two! Hut, hut, hut, hike! Ow.
Great game, Dad, hit the showers.
But we barely played.
Gotta get out there and get more tickets.
Tickets? What are you talking about? I don't have time to explain this to the help.
Fine, just send Tina in.
And come back for my toast! You got it, Buddy.
One for me and one for Bob.
I'm very good at drinking this.
Thank you.
There's my girl! Okay, time to break the wishbone, right? Oh, crap, it's still in the turkey.
Well, maybe we can just pull it out a little early.
Ow! Oh, my God, that's hot! Got some skin! Okay, you grab your end and let's do the wish-skin.
Um, okay.
Great, you won! Yay.
What'd you wish for, more wish-skins? More tickets.
I'm way behind in the best kid contest.
Oh.
So you're gonna leave? I'll send Louise in.
Louise Belcher regrets to inform you she cannot attend Miami due to a prior comtmenmi Oh, great, I guess I did all this for nothing.
Ugh! Remember, Bob, it's all an act.
Thanks, Lance, you've been my rock through all this.
I love you.
Well, it's almost 8:00, so I'll do my toast, and the Belcher Thanksgiving will be back on track.
I "yam" what I "yam.
" And what I "yam" is the luckiest man in the world.
Yeah! Was that a great toast or what? You're the toastest with the mostest.
Mwah! Aw Family! Thanksgiving! Lance, you're big.
Mm-hmm! Oh! This is weird, right? Oh, my God! What? What's going on? It's 8:35! My toast! Oh, Fischoeder Dad, you are hilarious! They're not coming, Bob.
Yeah, I know, Lance.
Ow! My face! Bobby, I need a chopped onion stat! No one came in for my toast, Lin.
My big toast.
You can do your toast for us tomorrow.
Tomorrow's not Thanksgiving.
But tomorrow we'll have five months free rent.
Because this is working I think.
Now come on, I need an onion so I can cry for my next scene.
- Chop-chop! Get it? Fine.
- You don't want to come in here for my toast, I'll bring it out there.
No, you will not, mister.
I haven't even done my song yet.
I'm coming out, Lin.
Bob, you are drunk.
You're drunk.
I am not.
I've only had half of four bottles of wine.
Just bring the turkey out and you can come back in here and take a nap on the floor like you do at home, okay? Now, let's go! - Thank you.
- All right! Thank you.
That was called Bravo! And this is called "Better Ode To Dad.
" Get ready! I can't compete with that.
You know, I am so emotional.
What a wonderful family we have.
And it's Hmm.
It almost, it brings tears to my eyes.
Hmm.
Just a second You're doing great mom.
Really natural.
Oh, you are so married.
So gosh damn married! Hello, it's me, the cook, Bob Or Burt.
And this is Lance.
Lance is a turkey.
Lance, these are the jerks I mentioned in the kitchen, when I was talking to you.
He seems like he's in a good place.
So, without further ado, I will now give the traditional cook's toast that I do every year.
Uh, maybe you should go back into the kitchen, Mr.
Cook.
Oh, shut up, Mrs.
Fischoeder! Uh, ah, okay.
Wow, there must be five months of dishes to do in there.
You don't want to sleep in the basement again, Mr.
Cook.
Are you still talking?! You don't want to sleep without Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Oh, dear! It's Thanksgiving again, and there's some "stuff-ing" I'm thankful for.
Go on and pass the cranberries Don't, Lin, don't! It's time to sing a little song now.
Stop it! Stop! Wow, this is getting good.
- All right - Thanksgiving.
Let's break the word down.
Let me, uh, just Thanks.
Shh.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
I've heard people use that word quite often.
Up here.
Let me just "pumpkin" you up by saying Or "than" than.
"pumpkin you up," right? Like "we have more than" day! Let's raise our glasses.
Yes, raise your glasses.
Tina, raise drop those glasses.
Raise them higher than that.
Oh, pass the cranberry! All right.
Shut up, Lin! Let's get a little lazy Here's my toast, and what I say goes.
Me? We'll go by applause.
Everyone who liked the cook's toast best Shh! Clap now! I don't need clapping.
What I need is what every dad needs, hugging! Uh, kids, go hug your dad.
Come on.
No, your dad, your Fischoeder dad.
Unbelievable.
Wife, come! Oh, yes! Ah-ha, ha-ha.
It's working.
Let's seal the deal.
No, no.
Give me those lips.
No no Lips.
Lips.
No, no.
Lips.
Lips.
Okay, one.
Whoa.
Sick! Aw Get your lips off her! Wow! Everybody wants everybody! This is so exciting.
I believe the cook has had too much to drink.
Oh, do you believe it?! I believe it in my heart of hearts.
Oh, great, everyone wants to hear your beliefs! Back to the kitchen now! I'm not going back.
Now this is a holiday.
Is it cool if I grab a leg? No.
You people don't deserve to eat Lance.
Lance is my friend, okay? Ow, Lance, you're burning my arm.
Put that turkey down.
I pay your salary and your rent.
Keep your blood money, Fischoeder! Bobby, come back! Not the gravy! Save me some dark meat! Lance, take care of my father! Get back here with that turkey! I'll get it back.
I love a turkey hunt.
Wait.
What? They'll never catch us! Let's hide here.
There he is! Oh, boy.
Duck, Bob, duck! You're a turkey, Lance.
Good one, Bob.
They're gaining on us! Run side to side! Okay, but I think this is slower.
Shelby, stop! Don't shoot him! What the? Come back here with our turkey, cook! Never! He's mine! No, don't shoot my dad! I'm not.
I'm gonna shoot the cook! And I won't kill him.
I'm just gonna maim him! Tackle! Oh, God, we killed Bobby! We killed Bobby! Dad! Why do they keep calling the cook "Dad"? Lin, he's shot.
Oh, thank goodness.
Oh, my God.
Dad! Dad! Lance, talk to me.
You're gonna be okay.
No, no I'm not gonna make it, Bob.
Don't say that, Lance.
Don't talk like that! You're gonna be fine! No, I'm cold.
I'm so cold.
Get him a blanket! Get him a blanket! What? What's he sayin'? I don't know.
I can't understand.
What's he sayin'?! He's just murmuring! Lance? Lance? Oh, he's gone!! Oh, Bobby, I'm so sorry about all this.
I never want to be someone else's wife, even for pretend.
Sorry we ruined your Thanksgiving, Dad.
We were jerks.
I'm sorry, too.
I promise to tackle you every day for the rest of my life.
I've been talking to a turkey for a long time now.
But I drank a lot of absinthe, just to be fair.
Oh, Bobby, come here.
Mwah! Lin, not now, I'm grieving.
I lost a friend today.
This is so confusing! Well, it's clear to me that this cook has, uh, fathered these, uh, children with, uh, this Oh, give it up.
I'm not Fischoeder's wife, all right? He hired us to pretend to be his family so you'd be attracted to him there.
I'm touched that you would go to so much trouble for little old me.
Oh, you're not old, and you're not little.
Not where it counts.
In the wabba-wabba.
Oh, Calvin, this isn't gonna work.
Oh.
I respect myself too much not to be the other woman.
Wow, you guys are insane.
Let's get out of here.
We can still have dinner at home.
Wait! I almost forgot! I have the most tickets! And I know exactly what I want.
Now this portrait will grow old for me and I'll stay nine forever.
Oh! This "absence" is delicious.
It's absinthe, Lin.
You're absinthe.
Hey, Mom, are you hallucinating yet? Not yet.
I need more.
Okay, who wants what? I'll take a bullet piece, please.
Me, too! I'll have a thigh.
There's plenty of shrapnel for everyone don't be shy.
Good thing the bullet hit Lance, or else we'd be eating Dad.
He'd taste old and bitter.
I bet Dad would've made a great dinner.
Thanks, Tina.
Yeah, you're so plump.
Oh.
Aw, to delicious Bobby! Lin, don't toast to eating me.
Eat Dad! Eat Dad! Eat Dad! Eat Bob! Eat Bob! Stop it.
Thanksgiving's over! Pass the cranberry sauce No We're having mashed potatoes Ooh, the turkey looks great Thank you for loving me Lin Thank you for being there Please.
Thank you for loving me Oh, God.
Everyone's thanking Lin The whole world's thanking you Lin, stop.
Lin, stop.
Thanking us for thanking you Lin Kill the turkey Lin! No.
Pass the cranberry sauce We're having mashed potatoes Ooh, the turkey looks great Thank you for loving me Lin Thank you for being there Please.
Thank you for loving me Everyone's thanking Lin The whole world's thanking you Stop.
Thanking us for thanking you Kill the turkey.