Cheers s03e05 Episode Script

SAM TURNS THE OTHER CHEEK - I'm sorry it has to be like this.
- Why? Back up the garbage truck, Cliffie.
Entering Dump City.
Have a little sensitivity.
That living, feeling human being is about to be blown out of the water.
You want to stand aside? I can't see anything here.
Sam, I know it's my fault.
I should have said something sooner.
I'm sorry, it's just that I told you, it's a rule with me.
It's the right thing to do.
I think we both realise that.
- I suppose you're right.
- Yes.
- Don't you think that if we worked - Let's make a clean break.
Stop now and we'll still have all those terrific memories.
Now go, go.
- Don't make it any tougher.
- Goodbye, Sam.
Goodbye.
Available in paperback wherever nauseating trash is sold.
You want to tell me what was wrong with that one, Sammy? - She looked perfect.
Body was a ten.
- So was her face.
So was her IQ.
Sam's kind of girl.
She was married.
She told me just now.
I don't mess around with married women.
Me neither.
It's refreshing to know you draw the line somewhere.
There are three categories of women I don't get involved with - married, underage, and comatose.
He's added one.
- Sam, may I have my purse, please? - What are you grinning about? I was just confirming what a fortunate thing it was that you and I split up.
Now my love life is stable and yours belongs in one.
I'll have to share that with Frasier.
Puns are his greatest pleasure.
Now that he's sleeping with you? Carla, that was a mean-spirited, tasteless insult.
- Why aren't you chortling? - Leave me alone.
I've got the worst toothache in the history of the world.
Must be an impacted wisdom fang! Die! You're going to die! Why don't you do with a toothache what I did when I played in the minors? - What's that, Coach? - See a dentist.
You're right, Coach.
I'll have to go tomorrow.
I got my bad dental habits from my parents.
They taught me to brush after every war.
Coach, how about one for the road? So, Normie, how's Vera doing? She's all right, but she's nagging to get a new house.
Having any luck in finding one? We've got to get rid of the old one first.
I've been thinking about getting another place.
- It's yours.
- I'd like to take a look at it first.
The man's a shrewd buyer, Coach.
- What's wrong with where you're living? - Nothing, really.
I just thought it's time I got a place of my own.
- Where do you live now? - You know where I live.
- No, I've never been there.
- I live at home.
- At home? Whose home? - My parents'.
No big deal.
Good night.
Parents? You live with mommy and daddy? - I I live with my mother, Norm.
- For what? It's not out of choice.
It's more of a sense of responsibility.
My father abandoned us and I've become the man of the house.
- You've got a curfew? - Curfew! Come on, Norm.
I can stay out as long as I call by ten.
- Good night, Sam.
- Good night, Coach.
- I'm sorry, we're closed.
- That's OK.
I'm not a customer.
- I'm looking for Sam Malone.
- You found him.
I'm Maxine's husband.
Not the Sam Malone, a Sam Malone.
- Not the one you're looking for though.
- Why did you do it? Now, wait, wait! You just listen to me.
I did not know that she was married.
She just told me today, and the second I found out, I called it off.
That was it.
Ask her.
I may have done a lot of lousy things in my life, but I don't mess around with other men's wives.
- You're saying it's all her fault? - I'm not saying it's anybody's fault.
It was just a big mistake, that's all.
I know we've all been hurt by this and I'm sorry.
What am I doing? Who am I kidding? She's a tramp.
I think I've always known it and I've never admitted it.
You got anything to drink? I think I got a bottle here, someplace.
- Scotch all right? - Yes.
bring it over, will you? You're not a mean drunk, are you? No, just a stupid one.
Don't flatter yourself thinking that you're the first.
- There have been others.
- Out of curiosity, are they still with us? - If she just weren't so damn gorgeous.
- Yes, I know.
It's tough being married to a beautiful woman.
You know, tis like that sweet old love ballad says "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life "Never make a pretty woman your wife "From my personal point of view get an ugly girl to marry you" - Remember that? - I should have listened! I'm really sorry, Sam.
I've been out of my mind.
- Women! Look what they bring us to.
- They put you through hell, don't they? - I get the feeling they enjoy it, too.
- Yes.
Why don't I hold on to this? Put it someplace where it's not going to do any damage.
I wish I hadn't done that.
- Hey, everybody! Great day, isn't it? - Did you get your tooth fixed? I am never going to be afraid to go to the dentist again.
I've found a way to communicate with him.
As he leaned in with his drill I grabbed him where I could get his attention and I said, "We're not going to hurt each other, are we?" - All right.
- Carla? - Did that work? - We're having a late dinner.
- Sam! What the hell happened to you? - Nothing, really.
Nothing at all.
What do you mean? You come limping in with a cane.
There was a little trouble in the bar last night, but it was no big deal.
What happened, Sam? Come on.
A thief broke in I had to run him out and I caught a bullet in the leg here.
- A bullet in the leg! - Come on, it's no big deal.
Let's just go back to our business.
Good Lord, Sam, you grappled with an armed marauder? - You could have lost your life! - Well, I guess I could have.
But that's something you only think about afterwards.
Talk about guts! It had nothing to do with guts, Norm.
It's just reflex.
I am an athlete.
Let's hear it for Mayday.
Another save? - Will you sit down here? - No, I think I'll stand.
Sam, you should give us some details.
Details? All right, that's easy enough.
Well, Coach these guys burst into the bar and they I thought it was just one guy.
No, I just said one guy had a gun that I saw.
They could have all had guns, but when they saw what I did to their pal, they just took off out of there.
- Basically, they were all cowards.
- Amen to that, Sammy.
All right, Coach.
The guy was holding his gun on me and I waited for the right moment and then I kicked out with my leg, kind of like I guess the closest comparison would be Bruce Lee.
I made contact with the gun, he pulled the trigger, the bullet caught my leg and the gun went flying.
And the rest just took off out of there.
Big save! Come on! I guess I really shouldn't have done it, but I'll tell you something.
The next time one of those drunk, drugged-out punks decide to break in and take advantage of an honest citizen, they'll think twice about it, I'll tell you.
- You guys! - Just like the old days, Sam? Where are you going, Mayday? Well, I can still dance on it! I think there's something rotten in the state of Denmark.
It's all that cheese.
- Sam, when you say in the leg - All right, so it wasn't exactly the leg.
- It was a little higher up.
- The important thing is that you're OK.
But exactly how did they manage to shoot you in the "I know what"? When you're surrounded by marauders with automatic weapons, the bullets When my husband left last night with a gun, I never thought he would Why think of something that had nothing to do with me! I've got a question for you.
Whatever happened to the metric system? Weren't we supposed to change all those measuring cups? That was your act of heroism? Mayday's moment of truth? Shot in the fanny while fleeing a jealous husband.
Wait! Who said I was running away? How else do you explain the location of your wound? I could have been coming at him and turned a somersault to throw off his aim.
You're lucky that you didn't get brain damage.
All right, let's get our facts straight.
I did not know she was married.
And I was not running away, I was putting the gun in my back pocket when it went off.
This is a perfect comment on your lifestyle.
- Answer me one question.
- What? When you went to the doctor, did you ask him to get the lead out? - Frasier will love that one, won't he? - Frasier's weekend is made.
Come on, no jokes.
Just do me one favour.
I will not change your dressing.
No, listen, just back me up on this? If everybody finds out what happened They might make you the butt of their jokes.
- I'll save that one for his birthday.
- Just promise me, will you? Just don't say anything.
Sure, Sam.
I won't blow your story but I must warn you The bigger the lie, the bigger the fool one might appear later to be.
Well, whatever.
The thing is that I did get a little carried away, but there's no harm done and it's all over.
So, let's just forget it.
Sam? There's a film crew from the six o'clock news out here.
Gee, I wonder what they want? Cliffie, are you going to buy Norm's house or not? You bet, Coach.
Don't tell him I said so, but the building inspector who checked it out says his house is in terrific shape.
Coach, draft, please.
Why wouldn't you tell him a thing like that? The guy is hot to sell.
I'm going to low-ball him on this one and he's going to end up looking like a giant sap.
Clifford! I can't believe my ears.
Gee, and I've never believed your hair or your nose.
What does that leave us? You would take advantage of your best friend? Friendship has its place, but not in business.
Especially in real estate where it's strictly dog-eat-dog.
One fidoburger coming up! Norm! Could I have your ear for a second? Despite my building inspector's protest, I've decided to put a bid on your house.
There it is.
That's going have to be my top offer.
- You got yourself a deal! - Hey! What? - Everybody, I sold the house! - Normie sold the house.
I can look at that place with the pool room.
- That's an eight there.
- An eight! I thought it was a two! At last, English-speaking neighbours.
What don't I know about this house? - The market value.
- That paper's not notarised, Norm.
It was an honour meeting Boston's newest hero.
Did anybody ever tell you you were like Gary Cooper? - Yup! - Good night.
Great place.
- Thanks very much.
- What a night! - What will you do with all that money? - I'm going spend it all on my kids.
Good girl! How many gunny sacks and one-way tickets do you think it'll buy? Gee, I don't know, Carla.
- Why are you looking at me like that? - Never mind.
Come on.
What's the problem? You're living a lie, Sam.
I know you won't listen to me but our parents were right when they said, "No one profits by deceit.
" Sorry, Diane, tonight's receipts are making too much noise.
I can't hear you.
I honestly don't care what you do, but I must say I'm a little disappointed.
You're sure you don't want to hang around, get naked and roll around in all my money? You're no fun any more.
- Hello again, Sam.
- Hello, Marvin.
How are you doing? - This thing has turned out good for you.
- Yeah.
I saw you on TV.
There you were, the scum who was messing around with my wife.
- And they're treating you like a hero.
- You want to stop pointing guns at me? Sam Don't mind me, just carry on as if I weren't here.
- You're not going anywhere.
- Come on, Marvin.
- Let her go.
- So she can call the police? The police? Obviously you don't know me.
There's too much government interference in our lives as it is.
- Get back here.
- This is crazy.
I was already shot once.
- We're even.
- No, Sam, we're not even.
Not yet.
I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't work! All I can think about is you and my wife Diane, isn't that a run in your stocking? My! You're right! What a nasty run.
Look at that.
Just put some nail polish on it.
I don't think nail polish will work on a run this large and high up on one's thigh.
- Do you, Marvin? - Look, shut up! Just working a cramp out.
There you go.
- You'd better not try that again.
- Don't worry.
- Move over here.
- Excuse me, Marvin? Listen to me.
You're having trouble with your marriage, aren't you? - Believe me, I understand how you feel.
- Nobody understands how I feel.
- I do! - Sure, sure! - You ever been in love with trash? - Yes! This disgusting pile right here.
Exactly.
He's trash.
But I love him with all my heart.
Why? Because I've got to.
You tell me.
Why do you love her? Because neither one of us can help it.
But I'm asking you as a favour from one sucker to another, don't waste my fella.
- Sam, is this true? You and her? - Yeah, absolutely.
- I don't deserve her, but who does? - And what do we get for loving them? A punch in the face, a kick in the gut, a one-way ticket to Heartbreak City.
He's a stockbroker.
Why are you talking like that? Lady, you're right.
You know exactly how I feel.
The biggest favour I could do for this lady is to shoot you.
Way to go, sweetheart.
Actually, we're not that close.
- Just an occasional movie date.
- I won't shoot you.
You know why? Because it would hurt her more than it would you.
- Thank you.
- Yes, thank you.
If you ever get tired of him and you want someone who can give you a nice, quiet home life, think of me.
Mighty attractive offer.
I don't believe this.
You just saved my life with that ridiculous story.
I'm not sure I know what to do to thank you.
I can think of something.
But I don't think you're prepared to do it.
Come on, of course I am.
Let's just go in my office here.
Unfortunately, I'm injured, so you're going to have to do most of the work.
- Good night, Sam.
- I was kidding! I know what you're thinking about.
You want me to set the record straight about what happened the other night.
Right? All right, I will.
I'm going to call the newspaper right now.
- I didn't ask you to do that.
- I know, but I'm going to.
This is important.
Because your respect for me is important to me.
I always pretend it isn't, but the truth is, I want you to think I'm a good person.
- Really, Sam? - Really.
Sometimes you surprise me, Mr Malone.
- And that's wonderful.
- Yeah.
Hello, can I speak to the City Desk, please? Is anyone else in? Who am I speaking to then? All right, Emily, this is Sam Malone and I'm calling because I You heard about that? Listen, the thing is that a lot of people have been making a big deal I'd like to meet you, too.
What time do you get off work? No, 4:00 am, that's no problem for me.
That's great, yeah.
Well Afraid? Emily, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't, but the You're not married, are you? English