Everybody Hates Chris s03e05 Episode Script

( funky hip-hop theme playing ) CHRIS: When I was 15, the only thing I wanted more than a girlfriend was to have some privacy.
I didn't have a room to myself, somebody was always home, and even when I was supposed to be alone ( gargling ) somebody was there.
Sometimes I hate goin' home.
It's like I can never be alone.
Me too.
Every time I turn around, my grandma's right there.
She thinks "alone" is something you get at a bank.
Whenever I turn around, my whole family is right there.
What would you do if you had privacy? ~ Been workin' all week For the money I got ~ ~ Lookin' for a place To spend this nut ~ Nothin' much, just do whatever I want, whenever I want.
I can't wait till I get my own place.
Well, my grandma has the flu, and I have to make her some hot toddies.
Hot toddies are sick people's happy hour.
Who cares about the flu when you're drunk? Mom, I'm home.
( tape stretching ) JULIUS: Uh, hello? Hello? What's goin' on? ( coughs ) Baby, we're all sick.
So I quarantined the rest of the house so you're just gonna have to stay over there.
But where am I supposed to eat and sleep and go to the bathroom? Well, baby, you can sleep on the couch.
And then you can eat free sloppers over at Doc's.
And I left you a bucket.
Great, what do I do when the bucket is full? ( both cough ) Rochelle, this is crazy.
First of all, you used $3.
97 worth of plastic wrap.
Second, Chris can't live like this.
I called Mr.
Omar.
He can stay upstairs with him.
Oh, no, he can't go up there with all them loose women comin' and goin'.
Yes, he can.
Mr.
Omar promised he'd be on his best behavior.
Chris will be fine.
( Julius coughs ) Julius, I don't know about this.
Look, either way, we ain't wasting this much plastic wrap, so you might as well send him up to Omar's.
( coughs ) ( Rochelle coughs ) You gotta go upstairs, baby.
All I knew about Mr.
Omar was that he liked dead men and live women.
So I didn't know what to expect.
All right, now, Chris, there's a few things you need to understand.
Phone rings, you take a message.
Don't go lookin' for nothing you ain't supposed to find.
And most importantly, I need my privacy.
So you stay out of my way, and I stay out of yours.
Deal? Deal.
Good.
I'll be back later, so you're on your own.
Now all I needed was six white girls and a monkey.
( funky hip-hop theme playing ) ~ Oh, make it funky now ~ ( upbeat rock theme playing ) Dude, this is so awesome.
You got your own bachelor pad.
Yeah, it's great, besides the fact that there's an old man that lives there.
Yeah, but he's not an old man that tells you what to do.
You're like Fonzie living upstairs on Happy Days.
CHRIS ( as Fonzie ): Ey You know, this will be the first time I have privacy.
Whenever I want privacy, my dad tells me to go in the backyard.
So, Chris, got your own place? Yeah, do you? Oh, yeah, I got a flat in the city.
Where's your parents? Is that your business? So where's your place, Chris? Upstairs at my parents' house.
That's not your own place.
That's the attic.
Oh, and I have a quiz tomorrow on chapter seven.
Either I pass it, or it's your ass.
It's not my ass's fault you suck at math.
( tense theme playing ) Oh, man, I just threw up buckets.
Ow.
Why are you fakin' a fever? Because I forgot to study for my math quiz, and I don't want to get an F.
If Mama finds out you aren't sick, she's gonna kill you.
If I get an F, Mama will kill me.
So why don't you mind your own business? ROCHELLE: Drew.
I'm in here.
ROCHELLE: Boy, what are you doin' out of bed? I had to throw up.
( coughs ): Go on back to bed.
I'll check on you in a few minutes.
( coughs ) Girl, you are burnin' up.
This is bad.
It was a big deal for Tonya to have the flu, because she never got sick.
Not even when we got polio.
( funky hip-hop theme playing ) ( moans ) I'm callin' the doctor.
For what? We're all sick, Julius, remember? And now Tonya has a fever.
We've all got fevers.
Besides, doctors cost money.
And so do funerals.
Look, all the doctor is gonna say is that we need to get some rest, drink plenty of fluids, take some aspirin.
We don't need to pay for that.
I can't believe your daughter is in there burnin' up and you are too cheap to call the doctor.
Call Chris, tell him to bring us some 'Tussin.
We'll be okay.
( coughs ) Stayin' at Mr.
Omar's was kind of like sharing a bachelor pad with a dirty old bachelor.
Oh, hey, Chris.
Just getting in from a little afternoon delight? Oh, no, I just had to drop off some 'Tussin downstairs.
You know, flu season to me is like tax season for accountants.
That's when I do the most business.
But I'm sure your family will be fine.
Well, thanks.
So what's for dinner? I'm havin' mac and cheese.
What you havin'? I guess I'll have mac and cheese too.
You must be havin' it someplace else, 'cause I'm all out.
Well, what else you got? Uh, whatever's in the fridge.
What? Man, do you know you have hair in here? Oh, I know, that's my side business.
My dear clients no longer have a need for their tresses-- Tragic.
So I sell it to wig shops.
I got a wide variety.
I got curly, wavy, nappy, and Indian.
Who wants nappy? The only other thing you have in here is some expired milk, some prune juice, and what is this? Oh, I do have some cheese.
Now all we need is the macaroni.
Back home, Tonya was trying to fake not freezin' to death.
( coughs ) Daddy, I'm cold.
That means it's working.
Here, keep this on your forehead.
Rochelle, what does the thermometer say? ( coughs ) Ooh, two below zero.
Julius, you're givin' her the chills.
I can cure the chills.
My mother had a home remedy for the chills.
It's called a blanket.
I tried your mother's chill remedy, and it gave me a rash.
Well, did you brew it overnight and strain it through an old tube sock? No.
Well, that's why.
If you let me I make it the right way, then she'll feel as good as new.
What's that for? So I can come back and get this food before it thaws out.
I'm going to make the remedy.
( coughs ) A little butter and onions and Tonya would make a nice side dish.
( sighs ) ( coughs ) Why don't you just tell them you're not really sick? You know Dad's home remedies are nasty.
Not as nasty as Mama.
( TV playing quietly ) ( toilet flushing) Well, I'm goin' to bed.
What time do you want me to turn off lights? Oh, I don't care.
You can stay up all night if you want.
And there's some videos over there you're welcome to watch.
I've got Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Dead Zone, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, Death in Venice, Death Wish, Love and Death, Murder by Death, and Ososhiki a.
k.
a.
Death, Japanese Style.
Cool, thanks.
Turns out Mr.
Omar only had one movie that wasn't about death.
Richard Pryor: Live in Concert.
PRYOR: How are you? Thank you.
Ooh.
( crowd cheering wildly ) Thank you.
Thank you much.
Good evening.
Wait for the people to get from the bathroom.
( laughs ) ( audience laughs ) People in there &%$#$%^ goin', "Wait" ( laughs ) ( man in crowd shouts ) What's happenin', blood? Right on.
( laughs ) The white people, rushin' back.
( audience laughs ) White people don't care ( static hissing ) Chris.
Chris.
Chris.
What? What time are you gonna be home from school? Uh, like, 5.
Why? Can you make it midnight? No.
I'm a kid, I can't stay out that late.
Hm.
Yeah, you got a point.
Well, in that case, I won't be home tonight.
Where you gonna be? Mindin' my own business.
Are you gonna be okay? Even though I had never been on my own before, it was my first chance to have some real privacy, and I wasn't gonna pass it up.
Yeah, I'll be fine.
Good.
Don't forget to lock up after you leave.
Oh ( sighs ) let's keep this between you and me, okay? I wouldn't want your parents to find out I left you here alone.
No problem.
Aren't you supposed to be at school or somethin'? Yeah, I don't have to leave till, like, 7:30.
What time is it? Eight forty-five.
Eight forty-five was a quarter past late as hell.
"Four score and seven years ago, "our forefathers brought forth on this continent "a new nation conceived in liberty "and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
" Even if they're on CP Time.
Good morning, Chris.
Good morning, Mrs.
Morello.
I'm sorry I'm late, but my whole family is sick.
Oh, dear, I'm so sorry.
Is it sickle cell, rickets, or swine flu? CHRIS: Is that like chitlin-itis? Swine flu.
Your tardiness is excused, but you should tell your family to lay off the bacon.
( funky hip-hop theme playing ) For a guy who's never had a place to himself, Greg had a lot of ideas about what I should do.
Do you know what this means? You're in possession of the velvet trap.
Velvet trap? What does that catch? Don't you know who likes velvet? Prince? Him too.
But I was talking about girls.
Girls like velvet.
Velvet-- What are you talkin' about? Your apartment-- Velvet.
You've got a place.
Now all you need to do is get a girl.
You're so in there.
I can't imagine what I'd do if I had a place to myself.
I could.
~ All by myself ~ ( sobbing ) ~ Don't wanna be ~ I guess I am in there.
You're so in there, we'd have to send a search party to find you.
And I think I know exactly who I want to be in there with.
Who? Tasha.
Who needs a test tube to make medicine when you've got a tube sock.
Okay, doctor, thank you.
I'll mail you a check.
( coughs ) ( sighs ): So what'd he say? You were right, okay? Now, is this remedy of yours gonna work? Oh, it'll work.
It's been passed down for generations.
My mother got it from my grandmother who got it from her great grandmother who got it from a Puerto Rican lady.
My father's home remedies were legendary.
If you had a headache Baking soda and a pomegranate.
If you were nauseous Catfish and grape jelly.
If you were blind A tin cup and a white cane.
Hey, he couldn't cure everything.
Oh, good Lord.
Man, what's in this stuff? Turpentine? Don't be silly.
It's strawberry turpentine.
( brew bubbling ) Ah, that's workin'.
Tonya went from healthy kid to guinea pig.
Ew, it stinks.
Smells like feet.
Be quiet, boy.
I know it smells bad, but if you drink it, you'll feel better.
Why don't you drink it? Look, baby, we only had enough ingredients for your daddy to make one dose, and since you're the sickest, it's yours.
And you are still sick, aren't you? ( coughs ) ( whimpers ) Yeah, you'll feel better in no time.
Especially since there was nothing wrong with her in the first place.
Since my velvet trap was set, all I needed to do was dangle the bait.
( sighs ) Hey, Chris, what's wrong? My whole family's got the flu.
That's too bad.
Are you okay? Yeah, 'cause I'm staying at Mr.
Omar's.
For real? Yeah, he's staying over at a friend's, so I have the whole place to myself.
I wish I could get away from my grandma.
Do you like Richard Pryor? I love Richard Pryor.
But I'm not allowed to watch him.
That's too bad because Mr.
Omar-- He has one of his concert tapes.
He does? I was gonna ask if you can come watch it with me, but I don't want to get you in trouble.
I can come.
You can? I learned early on that the best way to get a girl into trouble is to tell her you don't want to get her into trouble.
Yeah, I'll meet you around 8.
Okay.
( upbeat rock theme playing ) I had a place, I had a girl, I had a smile so wide you could see it from behind.
( indistinct chatter ) Mm-hm.
Which tape is it? Richard Pryor: Live in Concert.
Richard Pryor, huh? That's a good one.
Hey, little dude, let me hold that tape.
I would, but I'm watchin' it again tonight.
Man, I brought home a Richard Pryor album, my mother wouldn't even let me in the house.
What you know about Richard Pryor, young blood? I know he funnier than you.
Whoa Oh Let me tell you something, young blood.
You ain't too young to meet the executioner.
Sure you wanna do that? ( blade tings ) MEN: Whoa Hey, hey, hey.
The only thing we cut here is hair.
All right? Show him what I taught you.
Show him.
Show him.
Anyway, I'm not even stayin' in my house.
I'm staying at Mr.
Omar's.
Mr.
Omar? What you doin' up there? My whole family's sick, they got the flu.
Sick? They in the hospital? No.
Damn.
He was gonna rob my house.
You said they had the flu, right? Now, I got the cure for the flu right here.
You should've asked me earlier, here you go.
Check that out right there.
( chuckles ) Does it work? Oh, it worked for me.
Me too.
It even stopped my hallucinations for awhile.
Hey, hey.
Charlie, where you goin'? Come back, man.
Look, I need to borrow $5.
Come on, man.
You see that, man? ( chuckles ) Look, you tell them to take one teaspoon, one teaspoon, it'll knock you out for five hours.
But it works.
Five hours? Let me hold that bottle.
Are you sick? N-no.
I didn't think so.
Here you go, Chris, man.
Remember what I said, now.
One teaspoon.
You all done.
Uh! Next! He gave the same elixir to people who need to take paint off of cars.
Hey, man, I was next.
Hey, you want a cut or get cut? Huh? Hey, man, it's your life.
Now, are you sure this is gonna work? Worked for everybody on the block.
And how many teaspoons do we need to take? One or two? Six.
Six? Yeah, six.
I knew that was too much and I risked puttin' my family in a coma, but I wasn't riskin' my mother catchin' me with a girl.
( smooth funky theme playing ) ( screaming, grunting ) Freeze! 'Cause I ain't raising no babies.
Kool-Aid's gone Rambo.
Now, are you eating and sleeping and going to school on time? Yeah, Ma, I'm fine.
And how is Mr.
Omar treating you? ( coughs ): You guys gettin' along okay? Yeah, it's like he's not even there.
Good.
Well, I hope this stuff works.
Me too.
( upbeat electronic theme playing ) I had a girl fixed up and I got my hair fixed up.
Now I needed to get Mr.
Omar's apartment fixed up.
( knock at door ) Hi.
Hi.
Thanks for inviting me.
This should be fun.
Bein' alone with Tasha was like a dream come true.
I'd jump for joy if I wasn't paralyzed with fear.
Aren't you gonna come sit down? Oh, yeah.
Sure.
Just wanted to make sure you got a good spot.
So what are you waiting for? Put it in.
Huh? What?! The tape, Chris-- Put in the Richard Pryor tape.
Oh, yeah.
( knock at door ) Who's that? I don't know.
( tense theme playing ) I had worked to make this the perfect night, nothin' could ruin it ALL: Hey.
except this.
We're here, young blood.
We're here.
( all chattering ) Hey, man, why don't you see if they got somethin' to drink? Hey, put the tape on, little dude.
Hey, get of here, big dude.
PRYOR: Oh, Daddy ( all laugh ) Thanks.
Hello.
I'd like to make a collect call to Kansas City.
CHRIS: I had a place to myself and the girl of my dreams.
But two things messed it up: me and my big mouth.
You weren't going to sit here, were you? Nah, man.
It's okay.
Remember when you told me not to run? ( all laugh ) Man, thanks for inviting us over, Chris.
CHRIS: I didn't invite you over.
Hey, man, you aren't trying to talk to Tasha, are you? Yeah, kind of.
If that's the case, man, why don't you give the say-so? I'll clear these people out in seconds.
See, I carry a container of napalm, just for such emergencies.
I was tempted to take him up on it.
( all laugh ) I wasn't really runnin' ( all laugh ) Hey, hey.
Hey, can y'all, kind of, keep it down, because everyone downstairs is tryin' to sleep? ( all laugh loudly ) ( knock at door ) CHRIS: Not everybody.
( pounds on door ) What are you doin' up here? What are you doin' up here? I thought you were sick.
Didn't you take the medicine? I spit it out.
Where's Mr.
Omar? He had to leave.
He left you here alone? Yeah.
And you didn't tell Momma? No.
( laughter ) There you are.
Bye, Chris.
You're leavin'? Yeah.
Wait.
I can't.
I have to get home before my grandmother wakes up.
But I had a lot of fun though.
Thanks.
~ Tell me How am I supposed ~ ~ To live without you? ~ The girl of my dreams was walkin' away, but the girl of my nightmares wasn't goin' anywhere.
I know, I know-- Ooh, you're tellin'.
Get in there.
( laughter ) Now.
Go.
I don't like-- Shut up.
Even in a coma, my mother could sense trouble.
( funky hip-hop theme playing ) I started out wanting to get a little privacy and ended up with a disaster.
And at that moment, I wished for anything to get me out of that mess What is goin' on in here? except this.
You better start lookin', 'cause you lost your mind.
Upstairs partying while we're down here After my mother got through with me, Tonya, and Mr.
Omar, I realized that having privacy and being independent isn't all it's cracked up to be.
But at least she didn't find out about Tasha.
ROCHELLE: Chris! What is this I hear about you havin' some girl upstairs? ~ Everybody Hates Chris ~ ( sneezes ) ( funky hip-hop theme playing )