Frasier s03e05 Episode Script

-Roz, who's our last caller? -On line two we have Marilyn.
-She's feeling a little homesick.
-Go ahead, Marilyn.
Well, I like living in Seattle but, I don't know I grew up in this little town in Wisconsin and I really miss that life.
Well, you're not the only one.
My producer Roz has regaled me with many stories of the great Dairy State.
You're from Wisconsin, Roz? What part? -Bloomer.
-Oh my God, I'm from Monomeney.
No way! You're from Menomonie? My cousins are from Menomonie, do you know the Rayburns? Billy Rayburn is your cousin? I used to work with him at Bell's Frozen Custard! Do you remember that guy that used the run the store with all the moles? Mr.
Sneedy.
Ladies, as fascinating as this is, I'm afraid we're out of time.
That's okay, Marilyn, you can call back tomorrow.
Make sure you all tune in tomorrow for Part 2 in our series, "Women of the Cheese Belt.
" Goodbye for now, and good mental health.
These messages came for you earlier, your wines are ready.
Oh, excellent.
I'm hosting a tasting tonight for the wine club Niles and I belong to.
I'm hoping they name me the Maitre d'Chai.
It's a long-standing dream of mine to wear that silver cup around my neck.
You know, back in Wisconsin if a guy wore a cup around his neck -it meant he'd ticked off the gym teacher.
-Fine! Make sport, but this does happen to be important to me.
Since when? You used to say that club was nothing but a bunch of arrogant cork-sniffing snobs.
Well, that was before I got in.
Well, when I'm handing out baloney sandwiches this weekend at the homeless shelter it will do me heart good to know that a bunch of wealthy men are swishing two-hundred-dollar bottles of wine and spitting it into silver buckets! It's not like we don't recycle the bottles.
Bottle six.
Big, full-bodied, nicely baked.
Essence of truffles, long finish -Chambertin 76'.
-Bravo, Frasier.
If only your aim were as accurate.
How is it those same taste buds can't tell the difference between my pot roast and my flank steak? Well, considering you learned to cook in England it's a wonder I can tell your flank steak from a braised tennis ball.
Now, now, let's move on to the number seven.
Ah, touch of oak.
Hint of currant.
Whisper of what is that, what is that? Oh yes, wet dog! You guys still playing that stupid game? Dad, wine tasting is not a stupid game - it's a highly refined skill.
Yeah, I just saw a couple of guys on the corner practising out of paper bags.
We're hardly winos.
Some very distinguished people belong to our club.
The mayor, the commissioner of public safety the chief of surgery at St.
Lukes Oh, just the people I want walking around all liquored up.
Could you find room for a school bus driver and a couple of air traffic controllers? Well, we would if they had impeccable taste.
Which reminds me dad, I have a favour to beg.
Would you mind if I moved your chair into your room -until after the tasting? -Forget it you might as well ask me to stay in my room.
Which takes care of the second favour.
Oh, all right, move it.
At least I don't have to spend the night watching your society pals getting tanked.
Okay, Niles, grab an end.
-Oh, you're serious.
You know I don't lift.
-Yes with that stick where it I'm surprised you can bend.
Start hoisting.
-Oh, God! -No Niles, don't drop it! You better be talking about the floor.
Oh, of course I'm talking about the floor Oh, for Pete's sake, it's just a little scratch.
Get me a yellow magic marker.
I'll color it in, no one'll know the difference.
Dad, you have no idea how critical these people can be.
They love finding fault.
We could put a rug over it.
A rug? Where a rug doesn't belong? Why don't you just throw down a Twister mat.
Have a few rounds between vintages?! Steady Frasier, there's still hope.
I'll bring my contractor by in the morning.
The man's a genius.
You know, it's time you guys learned everything doesn't have to be perfect.
Yes, it's that kind of advice that leads to shag carpeting! Ah, good morning Daphne.
Extra pancakes for me this morning! I'm famished! Yes, well you should have thought about that last night before you started making cracks about English cooking.
I have hung up my spatula.
Well, you moved my chair, you cut off my pancake supply; why don't you just back out over Eddie on your way to work and make it a hat trick? And a hat trick would be? -It's in hockey where one player -Enough said, thank you.
-Niles.
-Good morning, Frasier.
I'm delivering one miracle worker as promised.
-Joe DeCarlo, Frasier Crane.
And my father, Martin Crane.
-Hi, Joe.
-Where's the scratch? -Oh, you mean you didn't see it? We were going to put some orange cones around it so nobody would fall in it! It's right here.
-I can get rid of that.
-It has to be done by five.
My guests arrive at seven, so it has to be a firm five.
Not a five-fifteen or a five-thirty.
-I'll be done by noon.
-Splendid.
-I told you he was good.
We're talking about a man who has satisfied Maris.
Something that's still regrettably on my to-do list! Coffee's ready.
Of course, I'm sure it'll taste like my old bath water to you.
You know, how it gets all grey and scummy around the edges with little flecks of Oh, hello.
-Hi.
-Hello.
I'd love some coffee, Daphne.
Hmm, Daphne? Er, Daph, this is Joe DeCarlo.
Joe, this is Daphne.
She helps me out around here.
-Smells great.
Columbian? -No, English.
-The coffee - Costa Rican.
Would you like a cup? -Thanks.
I'll be right back.
-He's adorable, talk me up.
-A plate of pancakes.
-Deal.
You know, Joe, Daphne's a great gal.
-You know, she doesn't always go round in that ratty old bathrobe.
She cleans up real cute.
-You don't have to convince me.
-You know, I think dad's right you don't need to fix that scratch, it adds character.
Come, Joe.
-Niles, forget it! -Honeybun? -Yes.
-I meant would you like one of these with your coffee? -Oh, I'd love one.
-Anything? -No.
-Sugar? -Yes.
I meant in the coffee.
Maris is quite keen on gutting my library to make more space for her hats.
Why don't you come home with me and you can send one of your men over to do this little job.
Bruce would be good.
The large sweaty gentleman with the chili dogs on his breath.
Niles, Joe is here already and we do have a deadline.
-But don't you think it would be prudent -Niles, it's settled.
-That's great because I'm kinda anxious to get at her.
I'll just bet he is -the testosterone is just dripping -Niles.
-Niles, he's talking about the scratch.
-I knew that! Only I know that! I mean, watch him! -Someone remodelling? -No, bad wiring in one of the condos.
Ah, well I hope you won't be here this evening.
I'm entertaining some very important guests and you know how sound travels in this building.
Ah, can't make any promises.
We're here as long as this poor sap is willing to pay us.
-What is happening? -Hold on, guys.
Er, sorry about this, Dr.
Crane but I plugged in the sander to start on the floor, you blew a circuit.
So naturally you're sawing a hole into my wall.
The circuit blew - it started a fire.
You've got some real bad wiring in here.
-But how long? -A couple of hours.
-"A couple" is vague.
That would mean the big hand would be on the twelve -and the little hand would be? -On the four.
On the four? Oh, the four is okay, fine.
You know the fire, Eddie smelled it first.
Oh, well he's a regular canary in a coal mine, isn't he! -My God, what's going on? -Don't ask, Niles.
Oh, I see you've got the Romani Containe.
Yes, but unfortunately they only had the one bottle.
That's funny -the importer told me he had two.
-Really? How strange.
You know, if I didn't know you better I would swear you had squirreled one away for yourself.
But then we both know that you must be telling the truth because you're such a slave to your ethics that even the slightest transgression would cause your nose to bleed.
Which it isn't! -You just sniffed.
-I didn't sniff, it was a snort of contempt.
A snort is out, that was in.
Oh, alright - the other bottle's in the car -in my bowling bag.
-Thank you.
You have a bowling bag? Yes.
Maris and I have taken to giving each other gag gifts.
I gave her a cook book.
Oh, yoohoo.
I noticed how your shirt was clinging to your back and -I thought a nice cup of iced tea might hit the spot.
-Thanks, Daph.
-Ho-ho, I got a spark.
-Me, too.
That's just static electricity from the carpet - it can happen to anyone.
-I'll show you.
-Niles?! Stop poking me! Should I put these little fingery foods for tonight in the fridge? Oh, yes please - the Brie is sweating up a storm.
Let me help you with those.
No Daphne, let me help you.
Excuse me, Bruce.
Spark! Spark! Did you see the I will be back after work at five-thirty - I hope I have your word that my apartment will be perfect for then.
-Okay.
Alright, think think before you answer.
This is not like marriage vows or a promise to a dying parent.
This really, really counts.
-You have my word.
-Thank you.
God, I'm sweating like a pig.
I've got to air myself out.
Hey, hold the elevator, will ya? I'm sorry, I need this nose tonight, thank you.
You don't have to keep feeding these men.
Actually, Maris finds they work faster if you keep them hungry.
Hee hee, I don't mind.
Of course, I probably don't cook as well as their wives or girlfriends.
That is, if they all have girlfriends.
I'm sure Joe's probably mentioned some girl to you.
-No.
-Really? That is not any one girl.
Not old "love'em and leave'em" Joe.
From what I've heard, he's wrecked more homes than he's fixed.
Mimsie Stanshope has him over all the time and I don't just mean to strip her entryway.
-Oh, I see.
-I'm sorry, Daphne.
No, it's better I should know now before I get my hopes up.
Thank you for being honest with me.
-Joe -Dr.
Crane, don't panic, I can explain everything.
-Wonderful.
Perhaps you can explain these legs.
That's Cecil.
He's the best ceiling guy in Seattle.
We were lucky to get him.
When we opened up the wall to get to the faulty wiring we found that the gas pipes leading to your fireplace were cracked.
-Had to be fixed.
-Tonight? -I OK'd it.
It just seemed wiser to do it before the explosion.
Frasier, the club members arrive in forty-five minutes.
Have you lost your Cecil! Niles, don't yell at me.
If you were able to lift anything heavier than an emory board we wouldn't be in this position.
Maybe next time you'll listen to your old man.
Thank you, dad.
You know, I was just considering whether I should go shave or slit my wrists.
You made my choice a little easier.
Don't worry, we are gonna make it.
Only about that shaving.
We had to shut the water off to replace a valve.
Oh, well, that explosion idea's sounding better and better.
Could someone at least move that mantle piece away from the door! Hello? Just hold on, will you? Hey Joe, you know you're going to be through by seven? It gives you plenty of time for a dinner and a movie.
Excuse me I said I don't want to go out with you! Whatcha looking at? Get back to work! -Thanks a lot! -Why would she do that? She's crazy about him! Niles, is your nose bleeding? No, no, I was just admiring Cecil's handiwork.
That was the mayor on the phone.
Apparently his wife can't make it tonight so he has invited Senator Adler! -Can anything else possibly go wrong? -Take a look at that.
Oh, dear God.
Is that blood on my floor? And another drop.
Niles! Well? Is it terribly wrong to mislead someone even if it is for his or her own good? What did you tell Daphne? I made up a story that Joe seduces all the women he works for so she wouldn't go out with him.
Oh Niles, how could you be so selfish? I didn't do it for me, I did it for her.
She deserves a doctor, or a lawyer someone for whom a T-shirt is an undergarment.
Look, I don't know what sort of twisted fantasy you've concocted about you and Daphne.
I suppose it involves a comet hitting the earth and you and she having to rebuild the species! But trust me, Niles, it is not going to happen.
She needs a man - one who can do more for her than just smell her hair.
-Daphne! -What are you going to do? -You are going to fix this.
-What am I going to tell her? -Tell her the truth.
Only the truth shall make you clot.
-Yes, Dr.
Crane? -Yes Daphne, er Niles has something he wishes to discuss with you.
What is it, Dr.
Crane? Oh look, you have a spot on your tie.
Well, earlier, what I said about Joe I made a mistake.
He doesn't sleep around, he hasn't wrecked any homes and the business about Mimsie Stanshope Oh sorry is there a john around here to air out my paddle? You can use the master bedroom.
-Joe never worked for Mimsie Stanshoe.
.
-He sure didn't.
I do all the work at Mimsie's.
She is one tough lady to satisfy.
It's you? I'm the only guy that can make her happy, everyone knows that.
Jeez.
So, that was the mistake you heard.
Those stories you heard weren't about Joe They were about Bruce? Hard to believe, isn't it? But you know, when society women go slumming they go all the way! So, you can tell Joe that you've changed your mind about going out with him.
-Oh no, I couldn't.
What would I say? -Just tell him the truth.
Tell him that I heard stories that he No, bad idea! Here.
You wait here.
-Joe.
-Yep? You have to ask Daphne out again.
-Are you nuts? You heard what she said.
-Yes but if you ask her again; she'll say yes.
Hey, maybe I've changed my mind.
Oh no, you haven't changed your mind.
You're just letting masculine vanity and hurt feelings keep you from something that other men can only dream of in their oxblood seated leather wingback chair with the lights off.
Look, Dr.
Crane, I just don't think it'll work out - okay? No, it's not okay.
If you had ever smelt her hair you'd know she's worth at least one more try.
She is an angel, and she is a goddess and she's waiting for you in the bathroom.
You got a minute? I'm never going to make it.
Daphne, would you please get that? Jeez, I thought you were just going to slit your wrists.
It looks like you went for "death of a thousand cuts.
" I cut myself because I was shaving without water.
And why was there no water? Because I had to move your chair which gouged the floor, which made me call for Joe who found bad pipes, who called for Cecil who ate the cat that killed the rat that lived in the house that Frasier built! That was the doorman.
Senator Adler's limousine just pulled up.
Oh, it's over, it's over.
Sing, fat lady, sing.
Frasier, what are we going to do? Will you give me your cash? Both of you, come on! -Hurry up! -Why? Never mind why, just hand it to me.
Come on, be quick, Niles.
Oh all right, do you want all seven hundred dollars? You carry seven hundred dollars in your wallet? Well, Maris asked me to stop by the drugstore later.
Just hand it over.
Okay, guys.
I've got seven hundred and some odd dollars here.
If you can get everything cleared up before Frasier's buddies get here it's yours to split any way you want on your way out.
Bribery? That's your big plan? Oh my God, it's starting to work! Hey, here's another hundred I was holding out on my old man! -Dr.
Crane.
-Yes? -Joe told me what you did.
I think that's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Thank you.
-Did you feel that? We made a spark.
-Oh yes, we did.
I guess you were right, it is just the carpet! Okay everybody, come on.
Move it, move it, move it.
We're out of here.
-Are you ready? -Good night.
Goodnight Daphne, have a good time.
Oh, my God, we did it, we actually did it.
Oh dad, please don't leave, I'd like you to stay.
I mean, you helped me to get this put together tonight.
Oh well, thanks Fras.
That makes me feel good.
Not good enough to hang around that bleeding-heart-softie-on-crime Senator Adler, but good.
Come on Eddie, the politicians are coming! They're here.
Senator Adler, Mayor - welcome to my humble abode.
You know you're out of T.
P.
in the can?