Mike & Molly s03e05 Episode Script

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skip the movie, pull over and do it under the El tracks, then split the Kit-Kat bar I got in my glove box.
No, come on, I dressed up fancy.
I want to go to a nice restaurant with good food, not one with a playground or a mascot.
Boy, you are really tying my hands here, lady.
Oh, it's my mom again.
Probably another imaginary prowler rooting through her underwear drawer.
She actually believes somebody would do that? People look away when they see it hanging on her clothesline.
- Tell her we're busy.
- You tell her.
I don't want to talk to her.
I already pushed "answer"" Damn it.
Oh, your mom.
Hey, Peggy.
What? Really? A raccoon is loose in the attic.
That's impossible.
I put chicken wire over the chimney when she thought the possums were stealing her jewelry.
Hang on.
It's on the way, let's just stop by, or she'll bug us through the whole movie.
Fine.
This better not come out of my backseat time.
I suggest you step on it.
Okay, Peggy, we're on our way.
I hope you don't die before we get there, too.
Psh.
Took him long enough.
If I told him the house was on fire, he'd probably stop for marshmallows and a stick.
Prepare to meet your maker you ring-tailed bastard! Bark a couple of times, help me sell this.
Oh! Hey, Mom.
Hi, Peggy.
That raccoon's got us all spooked.
Pull out your service revolver and turn that rodent's ass into a Davy Crockett cap.
How the heck could a raccoon get in the house? A glass cutter and a suction cup? What do you want from me, Columbo? You'd think that possum wearing your pearls - would scare it away.
- I'll bet they're in cahoots.
One of them's eating my garbage while the other one's watching me in the shower.
It's like having your own little fan club.
Mike, just-just go upstairs and scare it away.
Be careful.
Those things got razor sharp teeth and their spittle can give you brain worms.
Brain worms? They crawl inside your medulla oblongata, and the next thing you know, you're sitting under a tree in your underwear eating packing peanuts.
Is that what happened to the neighbor lady? Probably the same raccoon.
Poor thing's a Looney Toon.
For Halloween, she puts a colander on her head and hands out little travel shampoos.
Just go and stomp around a little bit so we can get out of here.
I don't mind dying alone, but I won't have them 'coons tearing the skin off my skull like it's a taffy apple.
I'm sure Mike'll scare it away.
In the dark, his silhouette has a very bear-like shape.
Hm.
So, where are you two headed all gussied up? Is the Queen in town? No, we're just gonna grab a bite and maybe catch a movie.
Oh, la-dee-da.
I can't get Mike to mow my yard, but he's got time to trot you around town like a show pony.
We actually haven't been out in quite a while.
You know, we've both been pretty busy with work and, you know, we're trying to start a family Right, right.
Maybe I'll get to hold the baby a couple of times before my arms get chewed off by wild animals.
Well, if that happens, we'll just strap him to a Baby Bjorn so you can still walk around with him, okay? All right, Mom, no raccoons on the premises.
But I did see some very familiar feces up there.
Oh, why are you eyeballing Jim? He hasn't messed in the house since he ate that half-pound bar of baking chocolate.
Oh, been there, done that.
You ready to Yes.
Oh, right, I forgot.
You and Madonna are going clubbing.
We're actually going to see the new Sandra Bullock movie.
Oh, is that the one where she turns out to be her own ghost? Thank you.
I hate surprises.
Does this mean we can skip the movie? No.
Would it have killed you to at least bark a couple of times, help build the drama? Too little, too late.
For the first time in my life I see love.
Samuel, you should've warned me that those were particularly drippy ribs.
Perhaps.
But would my voice have been heard over the sounds of gnashing teeth and crunching bones? Right? When he tears into those baby backs, it sounds like Godzilla eating Tokyo.
I probably should've given complimentary rain ponchos to everyone sitting in the splash zone.
Just go get me some club soda.
I think it soaked all the way through to my tee-shirt.
Well, I'm not surprised.
The only place you should eat barbecue is naked at a car wash with a handful of quarters.
Captain.
Captain.
At ease, Officers.
Biggs, may I have a word with you? Absolutely, sir.
How'd you know where to find me? I've been a police officer for 30 years, Biggs.
You're not exactly a hard tail.
Just follow the candy wrappers.
Carl McMillan, sir.
I met you at Mike's wedding.
Okay.
I sang a Louis Armstrong song at the reception.
"What a Wonderful World"" That's right.
I see trees Wasn't a request, son.
You mind giving us a minute? Absolutely.
I'll position myself at the counter and, uh, maintain the perimeter.
Scan and protect.
Scan and protect.
All day long in the car with that one, huh? I don't even hear it anymore.
It's like living with a parrot.
Uh, listen, if this is about this fitness reports, believe it or not, I've lost almost 35 pounds.
Yeah, you're just a little wisp of a thing.
Is that a joke, sir? You might make detective yet, Biggs.
Look, I wanted to talk to you about your mother.
Oh, did she insult you at my wedding? Because I had nothing to do with the seating arrangements.
Actually, I enjoyed her company very much and was curious if she had any current entanglements.
She's always feuding with the Korean guy across the street.
Nothing serious, just a few racial slurs and an occasional turd in the mailbox.
So, no gentleman friend to speak of? I don't think she has any friends.
The Korean guy's the only one who interacts with her at all.
In that case, would you mind inquiring if she would be open to a dinner invitation from a firm, but fun, older gentleman? You mean you? You want to ask my mother out on a date? One clue and you solved the case.
Sorry, I just don't usually get requests from people wanting to spend more time with my mother.
I don't know why not.
She's funny, charming, actually the first woman to spark my interest since my wife passed away.
And this is my mom we're talking about? Peggy Biggs? Blue eyes, auburn hair, the legs of a June Taylor dancer.
My mom has blue eyes? With tiny flecks of yellow.
Every time she cracks a joke, they just light up the room.
Huh.
Hang on.
I think I got a picture of her in my wallet.
Just so I know we're talking about the same woman.
You know, I saw him dancing with her at the wedding, but, I mean, we were all pretty drunk by then and nobody was making good choices.
My mom dating my boss? It's just got disaster written all over it.
Not necessarily.
I dated one of my bosses and it worked out great.
Until his wife found out and spray painted "Home-Wrecking Whor"" on the side of your car.
Well, if you look hard enough, every picnic has an ant or two.
When I was working for the airlines and schtupping that pilot I could fly anywhere for free.
That's how I took you girls to Disney World.
Don't all airline employees and their kids fly free anyway? Not first class.
You're a good mom.
Well, seeing you two spinning in the teacups was worth the Mr.
Toad I had to ride to get you there.
Guess who.
Tell her I'm not here.
Oh, I already pushed "answer.
" I know, Mom, I'm a disappointment to myself, too.
He's back, huh? Well, call Animal Control.
No, they're not all a bunch of drunk hillbillies.
Eh, fine.
I'm on my way.
Should be right back.
But I made dinner.
Don't let her feed you.
Come on, I can't control her.
And what I had to go through to get those tickets to Hawaii.
Whew! While you girls were at a luau feasting on roast pig I was at the Honolulu Hyatt with more than an apple in my mouth.
Why do all of our childhood stories have to be so nasty? No raccoons to speak of, but I did find my "Mr.
Binky" that you told me the Devil took when I wet the bed.
Worked, didn't it? Not a squirt out of you in 30 years.
And I have you to thank for my swollen prostate.
Aw, pshaw.
Let's strap on the feed bag and watch Judge Judy.
I've got to get home, Mom.
Molly made dinner.
Boy, when she says, "Jump," you say, "I wish I could.
" That's good.
That's good quality time with mommy.
Well, pardon me for wanting to spend one evening with my boy.
Don't worry, I won't bother you ever again.
Mom, stop it.
No, just bury me in my red dress and make sure the gravediggers don't have their way with me.
Listen to me.
You're driving yourself crazy staying cooped up in this house.
Hearing things in the walls, talking to dogs.
Don't look at me like that's not true, you little attic crapper.
Don't raise your voice to Jim.
He's the only real friend I've got.
That's not true.
Yes, it is.
The women at church wouldn't throw holy water on me if I was on fire.
You still have a lot of life to live.
Have you thought about getting out there, and maybe dating again? Oh, yeah.
I'll just leave a trail of bread crumbs to my bloomers.
What if I told you that I know a nice, older gentleman who would very much like to spend some time with you? If this is where you shove me into a nursing home van, you better have a rag of ether and a lead pipe.
Just secure the bank and seal off the area.
I want choppers in the air and a SWAT team on the ground.
Captain? Put snipers on the roof of the surrounding buildings and if they get a clean shot, tell them to take it.
I'll be standing by.
Everything all right, sir? Eh, bank robbery in progress near the financial district.
No fatalities, but he's holding about a dozen people hostage.
Wow, it's crazy out there.
My partner and I just broke up a pretty nasty turf war.
Gang-related? Hot dog vendors.
Sort of a throw down between the foot-long guy and the kosher guy.
Uh-huh.
So, you got some good news for me? Yeah, they're gonna share the spot.
And, uh, we put a soft pretzel guy in between them to act as kind of a buffer.
I was talking about your mother, Biggs.
Did you speak to her? I did.
Here's her number and she told me to tell you, and I quote, "If you're looking for an easy spread, buy some Miracle Whip.
" Damn, I love a woman with some pepper in her jack.
Thanks for making this happen.
And I'm assuming whatever goes on between the two of you won't affect me or my livelihood in any way.
Of course not.
This was just you doing a favor for a friend.
A friend? I'm friends with a lot of people in a lot of places.
And I can certainly be a friend to you.
Well, one can't have too many friends, sir.
Oh, speaking of which, the, uh, mayor gave me his courtside seats to the Bulls and I can't use them.
Courtside? I've never sat courtside before.
You play your cards right, Biggs, you might see bars on that shirt instead of barbecue sauce.
Actually curried mustard.
The frankfurter turf war got kind of messy.
I better go take a bite out of crime, sir.
How'd it go? I gave him my mom's number and he gave me two courtside tickets to the Bulls game.
Courtside? Well if it doesn't work out with your mom, does he like old black ladies? Because my grandma will do a lot more for a lot less.
These are the best seats ever.
You know, if we wanted to, we could actually trip the guys on the other team.
But we won't, right? No, no, I'm just saying.
But we'd probably get on TV.
Go Bulls! Woo! It's so hard not to trip them now, because I'm-I'm thinking about it.
I won't, I won't, I won't.
How about the courtside service, huh? That's a nice little perk.
I know, before one beer is finished, another one magically appears in my hand.
Same with nachos.
It's like the guy can read my mind.
The whistling and the pointing at your mouth probably helps.
Woo! You do realize that by accepting these tickets, I'm essentially pimping out my mom.
Worth it.
And you didn't pimp her out, they're just having dinner together.
My mother and my boss.
I keep waiting for the phone call telling me I'm out of work and she's under arrest.
She seems like the kind of woman that might actually flourish in prison.
Woo! Oh, yeah, she would definitely be in her element, but we would still have to visit her.
True, but the-there's the protective glass.
Legs.
Go, Bulls! It's win-win.
You've done a favor for your boss and your mom might finally have some male companionship that's more masculine than her.
Give it back.
Molly? I could've totally made that.
I know.
I know.
This thing is a beast! I love being up high, too.
It gives me a false sense of superiority.
There's nothing false about it, this is the finest urban police vehicle on the road today.
It's so big, it makes me feel like I actually lost the 35 pounds I told the captain I did.
Hey, listen to this.
High speed rear crash tested, level three ballistic door panels, framed in boron steel.
They put boron in this baby? This is Robocop kind of stuff, man.
The future is now.
Hey, let me drive.
No way! My mom's the one dating the captain, so get used to "sitting bitch"" Come on, man.
It's bad enough I didn't go to the Bulls game last night.
All right.
After lunch, we'll find an empty parking lot and I'll let you toodle it around a little bit.
I'll need to lock my seat position into the memory.
Oh, that seat's not going to forget you.
It's all the way back, all the way down, and after lunch, it's with the door cracked open.
Just for that, I'm not going to let you drive.
Come on, don't be that way! Test Car One, Captain requests your presence back at the station.
That's us.
Where's the radio? I don't know if there is one.
It might be voice activated.
We hear you, and we are responding! Test Car One, do you read? Yes.
Yes, we read.
Hit the lights, we better just get there.
Lights, lights.
Where are the lights? Captain, you wanted to see me? Sit down, Biggs.
Is there a problem, sir? Did my mom order the lobster? Take a seat.
And hand over the keys to the test vehicle.
That baby handles like a champ, sir.
My only complaint would be the cup holder which can't accomodate anything over 32 ounces.
You don't have to worry about that anymore.
We're giving you back your old squad car.
I can't go back to my old car.
That like going back to single stuffed Oreos.
After last night's dinner with your mother, I am not feeling very generousowards you.
Sir, now I told you she was a bit ornery.
Granted, that's like saying my alligator's a bit of a nipper, but you were warned.
Your mother was a delight.
Come again? Funny, vibrant and a straight-shooter.
You're speaking metaphorically.
She didn't actually try to shoot you? The only sour note of the whole evening is when the subject of you came up.
Is this about me being a 14-pound baby? I know I did a number on her, but you can't blame me.
This isn't about a baby, this is about a grown man who ignores the woman who sacrificed and toiled to make sure that hip-splitting ingrate had a good life.
I don't know what she told you, but you've got to take everything she says with a grain of salt.
Might be time for you and that party girl you married to put your sainted mother on your social calendar.
Sir, I don't know where you guys ate, but I know what she fed you.
From now on, Sundays belong to her.
No "ifs, ands, or buts.
" And help her out around the house, at least enough to keep the animals from chewing off her angel face.
Sir, I have found no evidence to support the repeated claims of wild animals.
Say one more thing against that lovely woman, you're guarding porta potties outside Soldier Field.
- Is that understood? - Loud and clear, sir.
Knock, knock.
And there she is.
Ooh, hoo-hoo.
- Look at those stems.
- Mom? Michael, what a sweet surprise.
I feel like I haven't seen you in forever.
Mom, what's with the getup? Oh, you know I like to look nice.
Murph wanted to take me to lunch, but I though't I'd pack us a little picnic instead, if that's okay.
Oh, that's more than okay.
That's perfect.
What a sweet, considerate woman you are.
You're a lucky man, Biggs.
Yeah, lucky.
I think I need a little air.
I'm getting kind of light-headed.
Do you like breasts or legs? Can I decide after I eat the chicken? Oh! Wake up.
Wake up.
Oh, God, it's real.
No, they're here, Murph.
She's setting the table and he's upstairs trying to get rid of that raccoon.
Raccoon, my ass.
I'm on the phone.
Can you swing by later for coffee and dessert? I'll save you a big piece.
Oh, you're terrible.
No, I was talking about pie.
Oh! You're terrible! All right, we'll see you later.
Everssiby po point of entry is sealed with chicken wire.
You shouldn't be bothered by raccoons again, Mom.
Thank you for being so thorough.
I'll make sure to mention it to the captain.
Ooh, I better crack open some Cool Whip for the pie.
What the hell were you thinking, setting your mom up with your boss? Aren't you the one who told me it was a win-win? Hey, when you're sitting courtside, the whole world's made of cotton candy.
Mikey, take Jim for a quick walk before dinner.
I don't want him tooting stinkers while the captain's here.
Yes, sir.
I mean, Mom.
I see trees of green Red roses too Don't forget, tomorrow night, we're going square-dancing with mom and the captain.
Mom and the captain, Mom and the captain, I'm so sick of hearing Mom and the captain.
Shh! The walls have ears.
You go.
I'm not going.
You go, you don't go, it doesn't matter.
I'm hoping me and the dog get hit by a car.