Roseanne s03e05 Episode Script

Get you one of these hogs, Gary we're talking about serious freedom.
Jackie would love one of these.
It's not the point.
It's like getting a tattoo.
Even if you've got her name on it, it's not for her.
Wouldn't it be cheaper to get one of those Japanese bikes? No, no, no.
You don't want a bike that sounds like Barry Manilow.
You want one that sounds like [Roar.]
Steppenwolf.
Get on her.
See how she feels.
Man, I'm in love.
[Engine revs.]
Oh, beautiful.
Incredible.
I can still feel it.
It's always like that.
Do you guys want, like, a cigarette or anything? We ready to go? Jackie's not even here yet.
What else is new? Don't go getting all greasy.
This is a very nice restaurant we're going to.
Gee, mom, me and Eddie was just goofing off.
What a lovely dress, Mrs.
Cleaver.
What time's our reservation for? 10 minutes ago.
She's always doing this.
I'll be waiting 45 minutes at the cineplex while she's at the station printing perps.
She actually said that? "Printing perps"? She's really into this police lingo.
Every time I go over there, she's either eyeballing a mug shot, grilling a dirt bag, or, uh, frisking a biscuit.
Or spanking a chicken.
I hate that stupid job.
Mom, I worked it out with Becky.
She'll stay home and baby-sit D.
J.
, and I'm going out.
Why would she make a deal like that? I had dirt on her.
What kind of dirt? If I told you, I'd be staying home.
So, what do you think your punishment ought to be? What do you mean? Darlene told me everything.
That little rat.
I told her I wouldn't do anything until I got your side of the story.
Well, first we Wait a minute.
Uh-uh.
[Telephone rings.]
You're getting good.
[Ring.]
If that's Jackie, I'll kill her.
This better not be you.
Oh, sorry.
I thought you were somebody else.
Yeah, that's me.
What? What happened? Did she get shot? Aunt Jackie? What, she was shot? No, no.
Shh.
Well, where is she? We'll be right there.
Ok, where's the keys? She got injured in the line of duty.
Let's get out of here.
How bad is it? They don't know.
Why not? Where's my keys? I gave them to you.
I knew this would happen.
I'll drive.
Let her be ok.
Call me when you find out.
This is for the pain.
Make it a double.
Jackie? Yeah.
Come on in.
She's down here.
Are you ok? Couldn't find anybody outside.
What happened? It was a nightmare.
Oh, please.
You just hurt your back.
May I tell the story? Well, it was a 311.
It was on my beat, so I was first to respond.
When I got to the scene, I realized the alleged perp was heavily intoxicated.
Not only was it a 311, but a 402 as well.
He resisted arrest, and there was a struggle.
A 979er, and that's when things got ugly.
He went for his gun.
What gun? Your partner said the guy was completely naked.
It was dark.
It could've been a gun.
And then they both fell down a flight of steps.
You tackled some naked guy and fell down the steps with him? Well, that's what they pay me for, Roseanne.
If we hurry, we can still make it to that restaurant.
Want to come, Jackie? Dan, no.
I do have a herniated disk.
Anything we can get for you? No.
I'm fine.
I'm sorry I ruined everybody's night.
We're just glad you're ok.
Know how long you'll be here? A couple of days for observation, then after that, take it easy.
You know, bed rest, no physical exertion.
Could I have a minute alone? Now, no physical exertion.
Ok, we'll be right outside Listening.
I hate seeing you lying here in pain like this.
Actually, since she gave me that shot, I'm feeling kind of neat.
When we got that call said you were hurt, I've never been so scared in my life.
Oh, you're so sweet.
No, it's the truth.
With your cute little button nose.
Um, thanks.
Anyway, every day when you go to work, I worry you're going to get shot or stabbed.
Why do you ask? Maybe we'll talk about this later.
No, no.
I'm ok.
You said shot or stabbed.
This time it didn't happen.
You just fell down the stairs, but here you are in the hospital anyway.
What happens if next time maybe some jerk really does have a gun? I know we've talked about this, but I just don't know if I can handle it anymore.
What a nice man.
I wonder who he was.
What can't D.
J.
clean his own room? God, what a pig.
How's aunt Jackie going to stand sleeping here? What is this? I think that's his underwear.
Ooh! Where am I supposed to put this junk? Shove it under the bed.
What are these? Oh, my god.
What? It's a box full of little heads.
Barbie.
GI Joe.
Oh, Cher.
The little runt is psycho.
What does he do, cut their heads off and throw away the rest of the parts? No.
This is very creepy, Darlene.
Well, let's just put everything back exactly where it was.
Hi.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Cleaning.
We're just cleaning.
Did you clean my closet? No.
No.
Why? No reason.
Careful, Gary.
You break her, you bought her.
Very funny, Roseanne.
There you go.
Just put her down here in the bed.
Easy does it.
How are you feeling? A little stiff, Beck.
Get you anything? No.
I'll be fine.
I got it.
Roseanne, please, stop fussing.
No.
Aunt Jackie, I made you a get-well card.
Oh, Deej, look at that.
Oh, you are such a good kid.
He's got them all fooled.
I brought the baggage, master.
Where do you wish me to put it? Just put it anywhere, Igor.
Yes, master.
Perhaps later you'll hit me? We'll see.
You're too kind.
How you doing? Need any magazines? Need anything? I'm ok.
I'm fine.
I need some rest.
Check with you later.
Gary, is something wrong? No.
I'm just incredibly late.
Ok, you guys, come on.
She needs to be all alone.
Let's leave her alone.
Roseanne, can you stay? I wasn't going to go anywhere.
What's up? I found out that because of my back, I could wind up behind a desk.
Oh, you poor thing.
Can I do my little happy dance now? Roseanne, how can you? You know how much being a cop means to me.
Come on.
Nothing's happened yet.
It happens all the time.
You get hurt, can't work, they send you home.
I don't know what I'd do.
There's lots of things you could do.
I don't want to do anything else.
People respect me.
I got to do something that means something, that protects people and helps people, even if it means risking my life.
You tackled a naked guy and grabbed for I could've sworn it was a gun.
What are you doing? Shopping for motorcycles.
Here's a pip.
"'78 Harley.
Mint condition.
" We can't afford that.
It's for Gary.
Gary and I are planning on forming a gang.
You and your sister will be our chicks.
Then we plan on going out terrorizing small communities on the weekends, weather permitting.
How's Jackie? She's a bit better, but I don't think she should leave until she can take care of herself.
You really enjoy this nurturing crap.
Do not.
Do, too.
You've been real happy the last few days, having somebody to take care of.
I guess it is cool, having somebody depend on me to feed them, take them to the bathroom.
Besides you, that is.
Mom, if D.
J.
Was doing something weird I don't mean normal weird, I mean really weird We'd have to send him away, right? Yeah, but he'd probably find his way back, like you always do.
What's going on? He's doing something really weird.
I'm so tired of it.
It's really, really boring.
Every time he does anything, you come squawking about it.
He doesn't do things the way you do.
He does them differently.
He's a boy.
Real different.
Looks like D.
J.
got himself a hobby.
Mother, these are my old dolls.
He's not playing with dolls, is he? Oh, that's a relief.
Do you guys think this is insane? Well, this one does kind of look like Darlene.
Looks like she put up quite a little struggle.
You guys are sick.
Take them back where you got them.
Mother! It's no big deal.
He's a boy.
Boys do things like this.
Go find something to do.
Ok, when we finally lock the wacko up, don't expect me to change his papers.
Dan, when you were D.
J.
's age, you did stuff like that, right? No.
The boy's odd.
Hey.
Hey, bud.
I got you a bike.
Hey, great.
We'll check it out this afternoon.
Now you need a good, tough biker nickname.
Right.
How about psycho? No.
We're saving that for D.
J.
I'm going to see Jackie.
How is she? She's laying up in bed complaining.
I'm used to that.
Hi.
Gary.
How are you feeling? You tell me.
Well, that was fun.
These are for you.
Thank you.
Gary, what's wrong? Ever since my accident, we haven't talked.
Well, um I'm going to buy that Harley.
Great.
And, um, things have been real busy at work.
Hey, listen.
You remember Hank who has a sign shop next to me? His secretary is leaving at the end of this month.
Gary.
It's a great job.
I have a job.
Just think about it.
You knew I was a cop when we started dating.
But I always thought You thought I would give it up.
It was just a phase.
Now she's a cop, next month maybe a cowgirl.
You got hurt.
So, just say, "I told you so.
" No.
I can't live like this.
Forget the fact you're never home.
We can't make plans because you don't know what your day will be like.
I can't relate to your friends 'cause all you do is talk cop talk.
I'll be damned if I'm getting a call saying that my wife is in some hospital.
I have to give up something I want because you can't deal with it.
Isn't that a wee bit selfish? That's how I feel.
I won't let you run my life.
That won't change.
I won't sit around waiting for that call.
We're saying we're breaking up? Just say you won't be a cop anymore and this all goes away.
Don't sell the bike.
My buddy really wants it.
We will be there.
Soon.
Gary, come on.
Dan, leave him alone.
He's probably kissing it and making it better.
We'll lose the bike.
I can't deal with that now.
I got to go.
What's the matter, you guys have another fight? It was more than just a fight, Roseanne.
Well, what? It's between her and me.
It's a problem we've been having from the beginning.
It's private, Roseanne.
Well, fine.
Jackie will tell me.
Sounds bad.
It's over.
Aw, man.
Well, these things happen.
We're still going to do this bike thing, right? Oh, yeah.
Sure.
Definitely.
You'll give me a buzz? Absolutely.
Hey, Gary.
Huh, yeah? Take care of yourself.
Yeah.
You, too, Dan.
How could you do that without even discussing it with me? He's not your boyfriend.
This guy's great.
Those irritating things you do, he thinks they're cute.
He walked in here, and he gave me an ultimatum.
He told me to quit the force.
I've been telling you that since you started.
And I've tried to break up with you, but you won't go.
Becoming a cop is something I worked very hard for.
What would you do if Dan demanded you leave the house and the kids? Ok.
Bad example.
I'll tell you what I'd do.
I'd work it out.
There's nothing to work out.
I'm quitting.
What? They said I'd have to take a desk job.
I'm didn't become a cop to sit on my butt typing.
All you did was sit on your butt drinking coffee.
Yeah, but I had a radio and a car.
Now you're doing exactly what Gary wants you to do.
No.
I'm doing what I want to do.
It's the same thing that Gary wants.
Let's rent a chapel and finish it.
He'd think I quit because he told me to.
But you would know the truth! Let him live in ignorance.
Men love that! I'm going to do exactly what you'd do.
You would never let a man run your life.
I want somebody to support me no matter what.
Like Dan does for you.
Are you insane? You think he came out of a box like that? You could put those same years into Gary.
He's perfect for you.
No, Roseanne, he's perfect for you.
You want him to take care of your flaky sister so you won't have to worry.
That's ok! You won't have to worry, because she's going to be just fine! Ok, so maybe Maybe you did the right thing.
Mm-hmm.
God, I hate that.
Oh, Roseanne No, I really, really hate that, Jackie.
So It's been kind of a tough day for you.
Yeah.
Feel like crying some more? No.
Want to yell at me? No.
Want a pizza? Yes.
Extra cheese? Mm-hmm.
Pepperoni? Mm-hmm.
Sausage? Anchovies? No man is worth anchovies.
Why do you want to go home so soon? It's been a week.
10 days.
I'll put these in the car.
I'll miss you, too, Dan.
You sure you want to go? There's nobody there to take care of you.
It's just a cramped little hole of an apartment.
You're depressing me.
Well, if you're depressed, you really shouldn't go.
It's time that I get on with my life.
What are you going to do? Disability pension's coming in.
There's time to try stuff I've always wanted to do.
Like what? I'm not telling you.
Every time I try something new, you make fun of it, like becoming a cop.
You don't lay off.
Oh, I'm not going to do anything like that.
You can tell me.
I will totally support whatever you choose.
Ok.
I was thinking of trying something kind of artistic, like being a painter or a sculptor.
I could join that community theater.
I could be an actor.
Yeah, or you could be a ballerina.
Want to be a ballerina? Or you could be an astronaut and fly way up high into outer space.
Thank you for the support.
You could be a kick-boxer.
No.
A sumo wrestler.
Bye-bye.
No A psychic.
But then you knew that, didn't you?