Rules of Engagement s03e05 Episode Script

Thanks for letting me borrow all this stuff.
It's really gonna class up our dinner party.
Well, Jeff will be there to class it down, so it should be a wash.
Oh, hey.
Hm.
Pretty bold, robbing us in broad daylight.
It's for dinner at our place Saturday night.
Oh, all right.
Well, looking forward to it.
Should be fun.
God, that's gonna suck.
How did you let that happen? She asked, and we were free.
All right? It won't be that bad.
Yes, it will.
The last meal she made for us tasted like balloons.
Those were fried clams.
Explain the variety of colors.
I can't.
But they're our friends and we're going to their dinner party.
Oh, wait.
Dinner party? Are there gonna be other people there? Just one other couple.
Don't say it.
It's the Bennetts.
Aw, you said it.
Chuck Bennett is so boring.
Sometimes when I can't sleep at night I literally count Chuck Bennetts.
I know, but Chuck comes with Laurie, and Laurie's an old friend of Jennifer's.
Besides, we can make a drinking game out of it.
Every time Chuck says "long story short" drink.
Yeah, but remember what we're gonna be drinking.
Oh, God, that's right.
Chuck always brings that beer he makes.
In his bathtub.
Like Anheuser-Busch doesn't know what they're doing.
I gotta drink pale ale filtered through his hair trap.
Please be a serial killer.
Hey, Brad.
Jackie.
Hey, Jeff.
Guys.
Hey, come in.
Audrey.
Oh, you're looking gorgeous as usual.
Back off, buddy, that's my wife.
It's funny, because he doesn't like girls.
One of those things is true.
Come on, what's the point in having friends that are gay if you can't ride 'em a little? Forget I just said that.
Anyway, we're sorry to pop over unannounced, but we sent you an invite to our party and someone mailed it without a stamp.
Yeah, it's the crime of the century.
Just give it to them, my big Black Forest ham.
This Saturday night.
It's just friends and a few clients.
Very casual.
Stop underselling it.
It's gonna be huge.
We got a fabulous caterer, yummy waiters, and there's gonna be famous people there.
We would love to come Saturday, but we already have plans.
So we're gonna miss a really great famous-person party for Chuck Bennett and his bathtub hooch? Is that a band? We're already committed.
End of story.
Ah.
Damn it.
Come on, take me to Pinkberry.
Wow.
I'm not even that gay when we're having sex.
Goodbye.
Audrey.
Don't even say it.
We already promised Adam and Jen.
Verbally.
This is in writing.
It'll be Adam and Jen's word against ours.
We can't cancel just because we got a better invitation, all right? You don't do that to friends.
We're gonna miss a really great party with top-shelf booze, purchased from a store, untouched by human buttocks.
We're going to Adam and Jen's, all right? Drop it.
Fine.
I can't promise it won't come up again when I'm drunk on ass-beer.
* How many ways To say, "I love you?" * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * Pass the salt.
Say we can go to Brad's party.
No.
No salt.
Boy, you two look bummed.
What is it, 12 years now? Oh, I'm sorry.
My boss's scathing barbs at married life do tickle me so.
Audrey's forcing us to go to a dinner party at Adam and Jen's.
Oh, God, I went to one of their bore mitzvahs once.
I had to make crappy small talk with their lame friends, eat those Cornish dry game hens, and play stupid charades.
That was our dinner party.
Oh, really? Well, in that case, sounds like it blew.
Adam and Jen's is gonna be worse.
And Audrey won't let me tell 'em a lie to get out of it.
I'm not comfortable lying to friends.
That's the beauty of having an assistant.
Timmy here does all my lying for me.
Happy to do it, sir.
See how good I've become? A lie just wouldn't get us out of Adam and Jennifer's, it'd also get us into and Brad and Jackie's party, which is gonna have fantastic food and booze, professional athletes Whoa, whoa.
Professional athletes? Yeah, Brad's a sports agent.
What do you care? You don't follow sports.
No, but I follow models, and models follow athletes.
He's right, you know.
Back home in South Africa, cricket players get all the best tail.
Listen, we're going to that party.
Were we invited, sir? Ah, it's a mere formality.
We'll get in there with one phone call.
Yes? Timmy, get us into that party.
Beep, beep, coming through.
Really, I'm gonna marry the "beep beep, coming through" guy? So I see the kids next door repoed our chairs.
How are we gonna sit at the table? Not a problem.
They're coming back for that too.
Theirs isn't big enough for six.
So for their party they bring nothing to the table.
Not even a table.
Hey, good news, Jen's gonna make her famous fried clams again.
That is good news.
Yeah, they're not in season, but you can get anything in Chinatown.
And they'll go great with Chuck's latest batch of beer.
He's flavoring it with fruit now.
He's bringing raspberry.
Homemade raspberry beer and black market clams? That sounds great.
Yeah.
Tell Chuck to bring an extra jug because I'm gonna be mighty thirs Hold on a second.
Oh, no, no, no.
You gotta be kidding me.
What's the matter? Stupid client of mine, Jackson Farnsworth, wants me to meet him in Atlantic City this Saturday night.
Damn it.
I'm gonna miss your dinner.
Jeff, I am sure you can get out of it.
I'm sure that I can't.
Well, I mean, at least Audrey can make it.
Oh, no.
You jinxed it.
Now he wants Audrey to come too.
Turns out he's bringing his wife, and insists we all go out for stone crabs.
Oh, no, that's too bad.
Well, I guess we don't need the table anymore.
And I was so looking forward to getting my clams on.
I'll tell you what.
I'll save you some clams, you can just re-heat them.
You better.
I don't believe you.
Well, they did.
Just give me the wine.
"From Jeff and Audrey"? Jeff, you wrote on the label? This was expensive.
I want credit for being classy.
Whoa.
It's gorgeous.
I bet you there's not a clam in the room.
We should go find Brad and Jackie.
Good idea.
Let's start our hunt at the bar.
Oh, crap, we're supposed to bring something? Yes.
The bottle of wine I purchased that you drank in the cab on the way over.
Yeah, well, the conversation wasn't exactly doing it for me.
Oh, this is good stuff.
Hey, Russell.
Oh, hey, Brad.
Hey, here's something I just picked up.
Just put it on the table.
Oh, it goes right here.
Okay, I see how that works.
All right.
Hey, uh, by the way, thanks for having me.
Well, it's hard to say no to someone whose assistant followed me around town on a bicycle begging.
Yes, rather tricky day, what with all the lightning.
Just remember, I only agreed to let Russell come because you promised to keep an eye on him.
These are my friends and colleagues, so they deserve not to be sexually harassed.
I can assure you, sir, he'll be a perfect gentleman.
I'll settle for him keeping his pants on the whole time.
Hm.
Didn't realize you set the bar quite so high.
I'll do my best.
Now, Mr.
Dunbar, we have to establish some rules.
Oh, dear me.
This is unbelievable.
I know.
Do me a favor.
When I die, bury me at this party.
Oh, no.
Hey, what the hell? What are you doing? My Scotch is out there.
Look.
Yeah, I know, I see it.
Single malt, right there on the bar.
Adam and Jennifer are here.
Oh, wow, Chuck Bennett bored them right out of their own party.
You happy? Look where your stupid lie got us.
God, if they catch us, I am gonna be mortified.
Why did I go along with this? At least you have a drink.
Let me take a look and see if there's an escape route.
Oh, crap.
What? What? Someone took my Scotch.
Hey, Timmy, what are you doing here? Turns out, I'm in charge of making sure Mr.
Dunbar here keeps his pants on.
Ha-ha-ha! Good luck.
Timmy, why don't you go get us some drinks? Ah, a fitting use of my M.
B.
A.
I love that British sense of humor.
I'm from South Africa.
You always say that.
Because you always say I'm British.
Oh.
This is why I drank in the cab.
What are you two losers doing here? Thought you were having some lame dinner party.
And you wonder why we didn't invite you.
I thought you'd invite me because you liked me.
Jeff and Audrey had to go to Atlantic City and the other couples canceled.
It's too bad because we were gonna have Uh-huh.
Pretty girl.
Listen, I don't care what it costs, if it's helps the environment, I'm in.
Yeah.
No.
You pay that! Get the oil off those little baby ducks.
Ah! These people, I can't even So sorry, I was yelling.
Hi, I'm Russell.
Hi, I'm Martina.
Oh, my God, that accent.
Where are you from? The Czech Republic.
Oh.
Well, then: "Czech, please.
" I must tell you, I have a boyfriend.
Oh, well, you should.
You're gorgeous.
Such a great body.
What's your secret? Well, I make good decisions about what I put in my body.
Oh, I'd like to be one of those good decisions.
My boyfriend is right over there.
Look, I can't see anyone past Jerry Rice over there.
It is Jerry Rice.
Yikes.
Martina, is this guy hitting on you? I think that's what he's trying to do.
What? Martina, Jerry, is everything okay? You know, Brad, I came to this party to chill.
And all of a sudden this little talking chihuahua started humping my lady's leg.
Why would you do that? Yeah, why? Why? I didn't I wasn't hitting on her.
Doesn't even makes sense.
Here's your drink, sir.
Yeah, just ask my boyfriend.
What? You're gay? Please, tell 'em what I did you last night.
Please, I beg you, sir.
You sure did.
Ha-ha-ha.
I can't believe we're trapped in here.
Don't worry, I'm working on a story to get us out of here.
Farnsworth ate a bad crab.
He's being medevaced back to the city, Bob the pilot is letting us ride jump seat.
Wow.
You really put a lot of thought into those.
The key to a good lie is in the odd, specific details.
Jackson Farnsworth, stone crabs, medevac.
Wait a minute.
Wasn't Jackson Farnsworth your old college buddy, who was really upset about his divorce so you had to console him instead of going out to dinner with me and my parents? Different one.
It's a fairly common name.
Oh, man, you actually used this crap on me? Okay, first of all, it was a playoff game.
And I only lied so you wouldn't get upset.
And you don't really wanna know the truth about everything.
Yes, I do.
You wanna know the truth? Fine.
Ask me again.
"Did I overcook the lasagna?" "Does this dress makes me look boxy?" "Did you kill that giant spider in the bathtub?" You didn't kill that giant spider? Have you killed any of the giant spiders since I've known you? Not really.
But I did call the exterminator the time that you asked me to.
All right.
Oh, Farnsworth Exterminators? Damn it! Go.
Go, go.
Another bedroom.
This place is huge.
Hey.
You wanna do it on the coats? Adam Rhodes, you filthy perv.
Ah! We have to get out of here.
Right after the show.
Okay, let's go back out there.
Oh.
You mean, we're not really gonna You were serious? No.
No show.
What a tease.
Hey, I just got an idea.
No.
Hm.
All right, I'm going in for the kill.
Cover me.
Fine.
Don't forget, you're gay.
Hm.
Gayer.
Hi, I'm Russell.
Hi, I'm Listen, I don't have the time I normally would to put into seducing you, so why don't you just pretend that you found me adorable, I pumped you full of drinks, and you agreed to come back to my place, and, uh And what? And watch the box set of Sex and the City.
I'm such a Carrie.
It's not even funny.
And you're a Samantha, you know you are.
He's so insatiable.
It's sex, sex, sex, all the time with this one.
It's gay sex.
And we like it.
Oh, well, actually Oh, shoot, that was close.
Yes.
Could have been terribly embarrassing.
Saw you two coming out of our bedroom before.
You guys weren't rolling around on the coats, were you? No.
No.
Hello? Hey, I need you to go over to our place check and see if the wife left the stove on.
We're all the way out here in Atlantic City and she's in a tizzy.
Yeah, sure, I'll go check it out right now.
How's it going down there? Good.
Playing roulette.
Oh, yeah? Hey, uh, put 20 on black for me.
Uh, black? Sure.
Just put it down.
Del just spun the wheel.
He's from Margate, Florida, got a pencil-thin mustache.
The ball's landing and Oh, red! You lose.
Damn.
Double or nothing.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, black again.
Okay, spinning, and Oh, red.
You lose again.
Damn.
This just isn't your night.
Hey, thanks for checking on the stove.
You've got a problem.
Hey.
I'm not the one who couldn't walk away from the table.
Oh, I just got an important call from Jeff.
He needs us to Oh, little cakes.
He's just standing there eating little cakes.
Our apartment's filling with gas, it could blow at any minute.
You're starting to believe your own lies.
I'm that good.
Hold on.
Jerry Rice is going in motion.
He's setting a block for us.
Come on, we got an open field.
Let's go, go, go.
Timmy, why are you pouting in the corner? Why am I pouting in the corner? Well, sir, it might be because they're out of the bacon-wrapped scallops I so enjoy.
Or perhaps it's because everyone in the room thinks I'm a voracious, insatiable homosexual who can't do any better than you.
I get why you're angry.
Now I'll see if they have more scallops.
It's the second one! You know what? I am tired of being your boy toy.
Goodbye.
You know what? You've been squawking all night, you bore! Go back to England! I am from South-freaking-Africa! Oh, hello.
Hey, tough break, little man.
Looks like your boyfriend dumped you.
Oh, yeah, him.
He's We've been having problems.
You know what you need? You need to get right back on the horse.
Matt, come here.
Oh, God, is that the horse? Matt, this is Russell.
I think you're gonna like Matt.
He's a big Samantha too.
Oh.
At least we had those bacon-wrapped scallops you smuggled out.
By the way, where did you hide them? Oh, see, that right there is an instance of where you want me to lie.
Hey, what are you guys doing here? We came to check the stove.
What are you doing here? I thought you guys were in Atlantic City.
Yeah, well, see, ahem.
What happened was, we, um Jackson Farnsworth.
It, uh It was my fault.
Uh, I was worried about the gas, and then I wasn't sure if you guys would take care of it, so I made Jeff race home.
Poor guy.
I wouldn't even let him stop to go to the bathroom.
He had to pee in an iced tea bottle.
Really? Diet peach.
And you know what? The stove was on.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I got distracted.
Damn you, tiny cakes.
Well, it's okay.
No one got hurt.
This time.
We'll see you guys tomorrow.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, by the way, we had to cancel the dinner party with the Bennetts, but we're gonna reschedule.
You better.
Iced tea bottle, diet peach? Nice odd, specific details.
I don't know where that came from.
Hey, you've been observing the master all these years.
It turns out you're kind of a natural.
Maybe.
But how about from now on we make an agreement, right? We only use our lying skills on the outside world, not on each other.
You got a deal.
And in that spirit, the giant spider did not go crawl into a pair of your shoes.
Aw.
It went into those slippers.
Oh! Ew, ew, ew, ew! Oh, you just wanna split it? Well, you kind of still owe me for those roulette bets I placed for you.
Oh, right.
I really thought you were gonna win that second spin.
It landed in the black but it just popped out the last second.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Hey.
Oh, thank you, guys for coming to our party.
We had such a great time.
And I'm sorry we didn't get to talk last night.
Where were you two hiding? Actually, we weren't there.
We went to Atlantic City.
But we got the bottle of wine you brought.
We didn't bring any wine.
We didn't go.
It was clearly labeled: "From Jeff and Audrey.
" Very classy.
Wait, you guys were at their party? Just I believe this is yours.