Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s03e06 Episode Script
LLCG495D -
Hey! Come on, Nora! Don't muck about.
I'm not after tha' luscious body.
I want tha' to fix on my flower.
# Nora-a # Oh, come to me, Nora # And show the world How much tha' cares.
# Tha'll not get a piece of wedding-cake! Grrr! Covered in mop fluff.
You mean my suit! I didn't lend you it to enliven your love life.
Phoo! It's just that I can't resist the opportunity to rouse her.
You've progressed since she threw things at you.
I'm the only one she goes for with a mop.
And they say romance is dead! Aw! You look lovely.
So why're you crying? He's not good enough for you.
Oh, Mother! Not today.
It's just that when this day came, I always hoped, me and your father always hoped Mother! We both know me father always hopes what he's told.
We both hoped to see you standing at the altar with somebody in business.
Are you leaving me like this? What's wrong? I can't see.
You'll have to move it or get me a white walking-stick.
Blasted thing! I don't know why you ever finished with 'im from t'building society.
I hated the counting.
He even counted how many crisps in each bag.
You'd have got a mortgage! HIS family are common.
I'm not marrying them.
I'm dreading this.
Did he have to invite that uncle with the wellies? I just wanted your marriage to have some dignity and mutual consideration.
Is this tie all right? No! Get your grey one.
Don't be so useless.
Get out the road! We'll have ONE side of this family respectable.
I shudder to think what the other lot'll be like.
D'you really want all this in your button-hole? Hey-up! Hey-up! I've found the pin.
God! He looks like a Japanese sniper.
GERMAN ACCENT: Very interesting! It'll have to do.
He reminds me of George Raft.
What in? In my suit(!) Oh.
I've lost some weight.
Well, you've had a good wash! Hey-up! I've had a bath! What?! In fragrant essence.
Hello, matelot! That's enough! There's no happy medium with him.
It's ferrets Or fragrant essence of ferret.
A new bath-time novelty! Smells like a scarlet woman.
Mm.
What do you know about them? The nearest tha's ever been is pale pink.
On that subject, my lips are sealed.
And you'd both hands on your wallet and your legs crossed! I've dropped the pin now.
Ah, leave it, you great ninny.
I'll do it.
It's a long time since we've been to a wedding.
I daresay we'll get the hang of it.
With him you never know what you'll get.
I hope there's no fighting.
Everybody fights at weddings! I don't believe it's compulsory.
No, but there's such a thing as tradition.
We should leave immediately after the wedding-cake.
And miss the booze-up? Yes.
The mixture of your family and alcohol fills me with foreboding.
Our Eric hardly touches a drop.
No, what your Eric touches he tends to drop straight into his pocket.
They'll watch him.
He won't nick nowt.
You see what we're in for? It's the social event of the year! Don't worry.
It's a bit like flying.
When you consider how many weddings there are, you see what a safe way it is to go.
It's just that, at weddings, if there is an accident, it's usually rather a nasty one.
Why don't you polish that mirror? I'll show you how to get a high gloss on all your bright surfaces.
You can't say fairer than that(!) Oh, heck! I can't do it.
Why do I want to polish t'mirror? You genuinely don't realise what great pleasure there is to be had polishing things? Well, are you ready, then? No, wait.
I've got to get my pressie.
Ooh! Oh, I say, I say, IThat is That is very nice.
Yes.
And it works! Yes, very tasteful, that.
I think so.
Sometimes you astonish me.
What? What he means is, he's just got used to you as a no-good scruff.
I see.
Then you produce something stolen like this.
I got that from 'Ilda's club.
Just checking.
No hard feelings? I know when I'm hurt.
How? I get this craving for cheese! Why don't you fight it? I can't.
I'm a weak persona.
Is that why they cut your ears off? Whassat? Heck! They were there a couple of minutes ago.
Get them found and let's wrap the present.
Why do we want to wrap it? No sense of occasion! You want a neat parcel.
Where's the box it came in? Over here.
I don't suppose you've any fancy wrapping-paper.
No, but I've some red electricity bills! Perhaps we can borrow some paper from Nora Batty.
I wouldn't.
She's in a very anti-social mood this morning.
Hey-up! Wait! I don't trust my ferrets.
There's a way of doing these things without upsetting people.
It's called politeness.
It's about having an instinct for the courtesies that smooth life's pathways.
Good morning.
I SUPPRESSED LAUGHTER Ahem.
Ahem.
Ahem.
And don't be inviting everybody back to the house.
Me? Yes, you.
Some ale down you and you start acting like Charlie Claw! Rubbish! Just watch your big mouth, that's all.
I don't mind a select few but no mob of the bridegroom's family.
He can't help them.
He doesn't have to! They'll help themselves.
And keep an eye on t'presents.
Don't go looking for trouble, not today! Looking for it! We've even sent out printed invitations! Just be thankful she's marrying a nice quiet lad.
D'you think she'll teach him to talk? He's shy.
You can be worse things than shy.
Besides once she's married, when'll he ever get the chance to talk? It's time, Gordon.
Gordon? Are you in there? GOR-DON! I'll be out in a minute, Mam.
Taxi's due and Mrs Wummock's here to wish you luck.
I don't know her.
Course you do! She plays t'organ at Wheatsheaf.
Never go in.
Well, I do.
Perhaps she's come to wish YOU luck.
Gordon! Come out! Mrs Wummock's downstairs and wants to have a drink with you.
It's too early.
You don't have to drink, love, just be there.
How long have you been going in the Wheatsheaf? Does it matter? You want to get married, don't you, love? Course, I do.
But there'll be people there.
You should try to like people.
I do.
Behind their backs.
It's meeting them I don't like.
Oh, you're queer! Surely the rumours will stop now for a while! Now all we need to do is fix it firmly with some sticky-tape.
Foggy Just a minute.
But JUST a moment.
Foggy, look, maybe I'll be finished in just a moment! Him won't listen.
He's a man of action.
Napoleon was just the same.
I'll be with you in a moment! Ooh! You've got to admire his powers of concentration.
It's wonderful how far you can go towards leadership without ever listening to anybody.
There now! Doesn't that look better? Oh, true! Marvellous, marvellous.
There's just one thing, Foggy.
Mm? What's in here? Nothing.
He tried to tell you.
Yes.
No! Don't you try that! No doubt, there'll be a professional hack photographer, but when it comes to catching spontaneity, informal moments, give me a talented amateur every time.
Oh, every time.
I shall mingle unobtrusively with the other guests.
That's another secret of good photography.
The photographer must be inconspicuous.
Stop mauling that parcel.
It's got so much sticky-tape, it'll take him a week to undo it! Put it in your pocket.
Half the joy of a gift is in the unwrapping.
That's what I keep telling Nora Batty but she won't unwrap nowt.
Don't! I want you to make a good impression.
He thinks I'm a peasant.
Doesn't he know you're an international playboy and jewel thief? He must've forgot.
You could fool him with that disguise.
It's almost perfect.
What're you talking about? It's absolutely perfect.
How do, Eric? All right, kid? Hey-up, Malcolm! Want a beer, kid? Oh, ah! Not just yet, thank you.
Whatcha doing? Come on! Oh! Who's that poof? Must be one of t'bridesmaids.
If they must drink in the street, they could use glasses.
I should take them out two glasses.
Foggy I want you to promise me you won't behave like a suicidal lion-tamer with those two big shaggy creatures.
I know how to handle men! That's our Malc and our Eric.
One can only hope they don't breed in captivity.
Hang on, I'm coming.
Ooh, hell! I told him you'd be here.
Hello, Bill! Gordon, come on! Stop dawdling.
Everybody's waiting.
Go on! ERIC: Have you got your L-plates? Who got you ready, your mam? LAUGHTER Get them off! Haven't you forgot summat? No, you daft ape! Y-y-your best man.
Oh, you gormless thing, you are! Damn step! If I fancy a bird She wants a man, not a Marley.
I don't like anybody else looking at her.
Tough! Like you've just been looking at her.
I might offer her my protection.
She's had mine since her husband ran away.
Hasn't got you very far.
Time somebody else had a go.
ERIC: Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah.
Why don't we go to some other wedding? Quick! Oh, you are slow.
Go on, get out of here! Come here.
Oh! If you didn't want to be conspicuous, you picked a helluva best man! GORDON: Come on! Hurry up! Get in.
Steady, steady! Ouch! Hey! I'll drive.
It's something to do.
Good to see you, love.
I knew you'd do me proud.
Come on.
I'm so glad you were able to come.
Come on, love.
Make yourselves at home, then we'll go to t'church.
Just be a minute.
Oh! Oh! Oh! SHRIEK Oh! I'm that there flush that I'm forgetting me manners.
Anyway, you do know Flo and Fred.
Shan't be a minute.
I'll just take me curlers out.
Getg-g-get out of it! Oh! Have a peppermint.
I don't smoke.
A-hem.
Would you? Oh.
Not just now, thank you.
Not just now, thank you.
Haven't you ever seen a non-peppermint-eater before? You see what you get when you do away with National Service.
I never got that when they did away with National Service! Oh! Oh, dear, this You'll have to prune that shrubbery, you know.
You'll get greenfly in your ear.
Oh! Oo-er! Cor! Look! Look at that! Cor! Cor! Come here.
Come away! Gerroff! Come away.
God knows what they might do if they get in your bushes! It's very interesting.
HORN SOUNDS Are we ready then? So sorry to spoil your chat.
Mini-bus is waiting.
Oh, you look nice in that hat, Flo.
You know what Flo's like if you keep her waiting.
Come on, get out there.
JULIE! It isn't your turn yet! Go on! Hurry up into that mini-bus.
I don't know.
God help us! F 16.
Oh, that's nice language for a church, that is.
Come on.
Out of it.
Come on! You're in my light.
No, you're in the light.
You'reYou I've told you innumerable times not to stand in my light.
Since when has it been your light? Dewhurst's jopping sunlight.
Phew! You've got a keen photographer's instinct, Foggy, for not exposing yourself before big shaggy fellows.
ORGAN PLAYS Cheer up! I should ask for a last fag and a blindfold, if I were you.
Eh! Hi, Bobby! Aargh! Bobby.
Oh! I don't know what you're on about.
He's the one that's getting wed! Sit down! Now listenArgh! Oh, God! Eh, Dolly, we'll sit here.
We'll sit here.
We're sitting here! Would you like a hymn book? Thanks.
The numbers are on the board.
Psst! Psst! Can I find it for you? Oh, it is nice to have a gentleman That's the one.
Thanks.
FINGER SNAPPING Ah Ah-ah Ah-CHOO! Would you mind just stepping this way? You don't pay him now.
They send a bill.
You shouldn't make people wait for money.
Just remember you're going to be on view forever here.
Try not to look uneasy in your best suit.
So often in wedding photos, there's embarrassed fathers pining for their overalls.
Murph, come on.
I can't find the ring.
Oh! Aargh! Oh! What're you doing? Shut up! Me button-hole! Shut up! Ach! AAARGH! OOOH! SIREN BLARES SIREN BLARES Dear me! How very unfortunate! And who is to be the new best man? He is.
Me uncle Bill! Hey-up then! In that case, what about it, your vicarage? Everybody inside.
Don't hang about! We're very busy today.
Foggy, come on.
BRIDE: .
.
sickness and health .
.
health.
VICAR: To love, cherish and obey.
.
.
obey.
To love, cherish and obey! VICAR: Till death us do part .
.
part.
VICAR: .
.
I give thee my troth.
troth.
Till death us do part and thereto thereto .
.
I give thee my troth.
.
.
thee my troth! Oh.
Ta.
Er What? The ring! The ring? The ring The ring Have you got the ring? The Oh! .
.
hospital.
It's gone to the hospital.
It's gone to the hospital.
With the other best man.
Can't somebody fetch it? Please! CLEGGIE: Did you have to volunteer? I'm trained to make rapid decisions.
Did you have to volunteer for me? I'm not going alone with these two.
Have I to make a speech? Not now! ERIC: Denby Street's quickest.
MALCOLM: Rubbish! Oh, my God, they're fighting over the wheel.
ARGUING BRAKES SCREECH (You're doing wonderfully.
) HEY-UP! I've got it.
I've got (I've got it!) Now then.
Where were we? Ah! Yes.
Ah.
The ring! Oh-oh-oh! The ring! ALARM CLOCK RINGING RI-I-ING Oh, give it to me! RI-I-ING RI-I-ING Stupid! RI-I-ING RI-I-ING
I'm not after tha' luscious body.
I want tha' to fix on my flower.
# Nora-a # Oh, come to me, Nora # And show the world How much tha' cares.
# Tha'll not get a piece of wedding-cake! Grrr! Covered in mop fluff.
You mean my suit! I didn't lend you it to enliven your love life.
Phoo! It's just that I can't resist the opportunity to rouse her.
You've progressed since she threw things at you.
I'm the only one she goes for with a mop.
And they say romance is dead! Aw! You look lovely.
So why're you crying? He's not good enough for you.
Oh, Mother! Not today.
It's just that when this day came, I always hoped, me and your father always hoped Mother! We both know me father always hopes what he's told.
We both hoped to see you standing at the altar with somebody in business.
Are you leaving me like this? What's wrong? I can't see.
You'll have to move it or get me a white walking-stick.
Blasted thing! I don't know why you ever finished with 'im from t'building society.
I hated the counting.
He even counted how many crisps in each bag.
You'd have got a mortgage! HIS family are common.
I'm not marrying them.
I'm dreading this.
Did he have to invite that uncle with the wellies? I just wanted your marriage to have some dignity and mutual consideration.
Is this tie all right? No! Get your grey one.
Don't be so useless.
Get out the road! We'll have ONE side of this family respectable.
I shudder to think what the other lot'll be like.
D'you really want all this in your button-hole? Hey-up! Hey-up! I've found the pin.
God! He looks like a Japanese sniper.
GERMAN ACCENT: Very interesting! It'll have to do.
He reminds me of George Raft.
What in? In my suit(!) Oh.
I've lost some weight.
Well, you've had a good wash! Hey-up! I've had a bath! What?! In fragrant essence.
Hello, matelot! That's enough! There's no happy medium with him.
It's ferrets Or fragrant essence of ferret.
A new bath-time novelty! Smells like a scarlet woman.
Mm.
What do you know about them? The nearest tha's ever been is pale pink.
On that subject, my lips are sealed.
And you'd both hands on your wallet and your legs crossed! I've dropped the pin now.
Ah, leave it, you great ninny.
I'll do it.
It's a long time since we've been to a wedding.
I daresay we'll get the hang of it.
With him you never know what you'll get.
I hope there's no fighting.
Everybody fights at weddings! I don't believe it's compulsory.
No, but there's such a thing as tradition.
We should leave immediately after the wedding-cake.
And miss the booze-up? Yes.
The mixture of your family and alcohol fills me with foreboding.
Our Eric hardly touches a drop.
No, what your Eric touches he tends to drop straight into his pocket.
They'll watch him.
He won't nick nowt.
You see what we're in for? It's the social event of the year! Don't worry.
It's a bit like flying.
When you consider how many weddings there are, you see what a safe way it is to go.
It's just that, at weddings, if there is an accident, it's usually rather a nasty one.
Why don't you polish that mirror? I'll show you how to get a high gloss on all your bright surfaces.
You can't say fairer than that(!) Oh, heck! I can't do it.
Why do I want to polish t'mirror? You genuinely don't realise what great pleasure there is to be had polishing things? Well, are you ready, then? No, wait.
I've got to get my pressie.
Ooh! Oh, I say, I say, IThat is That is very nice.
Yes.
And it works! Yes, very tasteful, that.
I think so.
Sometimes you astonish me.
What? What he means is, he's just got used to you as a no-good scruff.
I see.
Then you produce something stolen like this.
I got that from 'Ilda's club.
Just checking.
No hard feelings? I know when I'm hurt.
How? I get this craving for cheese! Why don't you fight it? I can't.
I'm a weak persona.
Is that why they cut your ears off? Whassat? Heck! They were there a couple of minutes ago.
Get them found and let's wrap the present.
Why do we want to wrap it? No sense of occasion! You want a neat parcel.
Where's the box it came in? Over here.
I don't suppose you've any fancy wrapping-paper.
No, but I've some red electricity bills! Perhaps we can borrow some paper from Nora Batty.
I wouldn't.
She's in a very anti-social mood this morning.
Hey-up! Wait! I don't trust my ferrets.
There's a way of doing these things without upsetting people.
It's called politeness.
It's about having an instinct for the courtesies that smooth life's pathways.
Good morning.
I SUPPRESSED LAUGHTER Ahem.
Ahem.
Ahem.
And don't be inviting everybody back to the house.
Me? Yes, you.
Some ale down you and you start acting like Charlie Claw! Rubbish! Just watch your big mouth, that's all.
I don't mind a select few but no mob of the bridegroom's family.
He can't help them.
He doesn't have to! They'll help themselves.
And keep an eye on t'presents.
Don't go looking for trouble, not today! Looking for it! We've even sent out printed invitations! Just be thankful she's marrying a nice quiet lad.
D'you think she'll teach him to talk? He's shy.
You can be worse things than shy.
Besides once she's married, when'll he ever get the chance to talk? It's time, Gordon.
Gordon? Are you in there? GOR-DON! I'll be out in a minute, Mam.
Taxi's due and Mrs Wummock's here to wish you luck.
I don't know her.
Course you do! She plays t'organ at Wheatsheaf.
Never go in.
Well, I do.
Perhaps she's come to wish YOU luck.
Gordon! Come out! Mrs Wummock's downstairs and wants to have a drink with you.
It's too early.
You don't have to drink, love, just be there.
How long have you been going in the Wheatsheaf? Does it matter? You want to get married, don't you, love? Course, I do.
But there'll be people there.
You should try to like people.
I do.
Behind their backs.
It's meeting them I don't like.
Oh, you're queer! Surely the rumours will stop now for a while! Now all we need to do is fix it firmly with some sticky-tape.
Foggy Just a minute.
But JUST a moment.
Foggy, look, maybe I'll be finished in just a moment! Him won't listen.
He's a man of action.
Napoleon was just the same.
I'll be with you in a moment! Ooh! You've got to admire his powers of concentration.
It's wonderful how far you can go towards leadership without ever listening to anybody.
There now! Doesn't that look better? Oh, true! Marvellous, marvellous.
There's just one thing, Foggy.
Mm? What's in here? Nothing.
He tried to tell you.
Yes.
No! Don't you try that! No doubt, there'll be a professional hack photographer, but when it comes to catching spontaneity, informal moments, give me a talented amateur every time.
Oh, every time.
I shall mingle unobtrusively with the other guests.
That's another secret of good photography.
The photographer must be inconspicuous.
Stop mauling that parcel.
It's got so much sticky-tape, it'll take him a week to undo it! Put it in your pocket.
Half the joy of a gift is in the unwrapping.
That's what I keep telling Nora Batty but she won't unwrap nowt.
Don't! I want you to make a good impression.
He thinks I'm a peasant.
Doesn't he know you're an international playboy and jewel thief? He must've forgot.
You could fool him with that disguise.
It's almost perfect.
What're you talking about? It's absolutely perfect.
How do, Eric? All right, kid? Hey-up, Malcolm! Want a beer, kid? Oh, ah! Not just yet, thank you.
Whatcha doing? Come on! Oh! Who's that poof? Must be one of t'bridesmaids.
If they must drink in the street, they could use glasses.
I should take them out two glasses.
Foggy I want you to promise me you won't behave like a suicidal lion-tamer with those two big shaggy creatures.
I know how to handle men! That's our Malc and our Eric.
One can only hope they don't breed in captivity.
Hang on, I'm coming.
Ooh, hell! I told him you'd be here.
Hello, Bill! Gordon, come on! Stop dawdling.
Everybody's waiting.
Go on! ERIC: Have you got your L-plates? Who got you ready, your mam? LAUGHTER Get them off! Haven't you forgot summat? No, you daft ape! Y-y-your best man.
Oh, you gormless thing, you are! Damn step! If I fancy a bird She wants a man, not a Marley.
I don't like anybody else looking at her.
Tough! Like you've just been looking at her.
I might offer her my protection.
She's had mine since her husband ran away.
Hasn't got you very far.
Time somebody else had a go.
ERIC: Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah.
Why don't we go to some other wedding? Quick! Oh, you are slow.
Go on, get out of here! Come here.
Oh! If you didn't want to be conspicuous, you picked a helluva best man! GORDON: Come on! Hurry up! Get in.
Steady, steady! Ouch! Hey! I'll drive.
It's something to do.
Good to see you, love.
I knew you'd do me proud.
Come on.
I'm so glad you were able to come.
Come on, love.
Make yourselves at home, then we'll go to t'church.
Just be a minute.
Oh! Oh! Oh! SHRIEK Oh! I'm that there flush that I'm forgetting me manners.
Anyway, you do know Flo and Fred.
Shan't be a minute.
I'll just take me curlers out.
Getg-g-get out of it! Oh! Have a peppermint.
I don't smoke.
A-hem.
Would you? Oh.
Not just now, thank you.
Not just now, thank you.
Haven't you ever seen a non-peppermint-eater before? You see what you get when you do away with National Service.
I never got that when they did away with National Service! Oh! Oh, dear, this You'll have to prune that shrubbery, you know.
You'll get greenfly in your ear.
Oh! Oo-er! Cor! Look! Look at that! Cor! Cor! Come here.
Come away! Gerroff! Come away.
God knows what they might do if they get in your bushes! It's very interesting.
HORN SOUNDS Are we ready then? So sorry to spoil your chat.
Mini-bus is waiting.
Oh, you look nice in that hat, Flo.
You know what Flo's like if you keep her waiting.
Come on, get out there.
JULIE! It isn't your turn yet! Go on! Hurry up into that mini-bus.
I don't know.
God help us! F 16.
Oh, that's nice language for a church, that is.
Come on.
Out of it.
Come on! You're in my light.
No, you're in the light.
You'reYou I've told you innumerable times not to stand in my light.
Since when has it been your light? Dewhurst's jopping sunlight.
Phew! You've got a keen photographer's instinct, Foggy, for not exposing yourself before big shaggy fellows.
ORGAN PLAYS Cheer up! I should ask for a last fag and a blindfold, if I were you.
Eh! Hi, Bobby! Aargh! Bobby.
Oh! I don't know what you're on about.
He's the one that's getting wed! Sit down! Now listenArgh! Oh, God! Eh, Dolly, we'll sit here.
We'll sit here.
We're sitting here! Would you like a hymn book? Thanks.
The numbers are on the board.
Psst! Psst! Can I find it for you? Oh, it is nice to have a gentleman That's the one.
Thanks.
FINGER SNAPPING Ah Ah-ah Ah-CHOO! Would you mind just stepping this way? You don't pay him now.
They send a bill.
You shouldn't make people wait for money.
Just remember you're going to be on view forever here.
Try not to look uneasy in your best suit.
So often in wedding photos, there's embarrassed fathers pining for their overalls.
Murph, come on.
I can't find the ring.
Oh! Aargh! Oh! What're you doing? Shut up! Me button-hole! Shut up! Ach! AAARGH! OOOH! SIREN BLARES SIREN BLARES Dear me! How very unfortunate! And who is to be the new best man? He is.
Me uncle Bill! Hey-up then! In that case, what about it, your vicarage? Everybody inside.
Don't hang about! We're very busy today.
Foggy, come on.
BRIDE: .
.
sickness and health .
.
health.
VICAR: To love, cherish and obey.
.
.
obey.
To love, cherish and obey! VICAR: Till death us do part .
.
part.
VICAR: .
.
I give thee my troth.
troth.
Till death us do part and thereto thereto .
.
I give thee my troth.
.
.
thee my troth! Oh.
Ta.
Er What? The ring! The ring? The ring The ring Have you got the ring? The Oh! .
.
hospital.
It's gone to the hospital.
It's gone to the hospital.
With the other best man.
Can't somebody fetch it? Please! CLEGGIE: Did you have to volunteer? I'm trained to make rapid decisions.
Did you have to volunteer for me? I'm not going alone with these two.
Have I to make a speech? Not now! ERIC: Denby Street's quickest.
MALCOLM: Rubbish! Oh, my God, they're fighting over the wheel.
ARGUING BRAKES SCREECH (You're doing wonderfully.
) HEY-UP! I've got it.
I've got (I've got it!) Now then.
Where were we? Ah! Yes.
Ah.
The ring! Oh-oh-oh! The ring! ALARM CLOCK RINGING RI-I-ING Oh, give it to me! RI-I-ING RI-I-ING Stupid! RI-I-ING RI-I-ING