Mike & Molly s03e06 Episode Script

- What are you doing? - Trying to make room in the closet.
I'm taking some of our clothes down to the basement.
I don't see our clothes; I see my clothes.
Don't worry, I left the three shirts you actually wear in there, including your Blackhawks Jersey, or, as I like to call it, your "weekend muumuu.
" How come my things always get relegated to the basement? You put my guitar down there and my rollerblades.
I waited six months for you to either skate past me or play me a song, neither of which ever happened.
Oh, I see, but your old tap shoes made the final cut? So you planning on shuffling off to Buffalo anytime soon? Hey, my tippy-taps are a precious childhood memory.
I know I've seen the video of you tippy-tapping to "Electric Avenue".
Show-stopper and I still have the burn marks from the sparklers.
Yeah.
Come on, I might want to wear those someday.
There are five people in this house and three closets, and I lived here first.
Maybe we need to start thinking about getting our own place.
We could.
You know, the wedding's almost paid off, and we can just start putting aside a little bit of money - for a down payment on a house.
- That'll mean living on a budget, so I hope you're willing to rein in your highfalutin' lifestyle.
Highfalutin'? It's not peanut butter and caviar I'm bringing to work every day in that paper bag.
Yes, but you're washing it down with a four-dollar soy latte.
The coffee in the teachers' lounge is hot mud.
It's nothing but powdered creamer, and I'm not an animal! Maybe you could make a few extra bucks tutoring some stupid kid.
Oh, are you gonna start paying me for these conversations? - Now you're just being mean.
- Little bit.
Maybe you could get a second job as a security guard or a bouncer or here we go rollerblading guitarist, huh? Hey, I'll find a corner you tippy-tap, I'll rock and roll, we'll see whose hat fills up quicker.
Yeah, time and place, buddy, time and place.
I'm telling you, Samuel, you're gonna have a great time on this fishing trip.
That's what you said last year, then chips ahoy sank the Bismarck.
I understand your trepidation that's why this year we're taking all the necessary safety precautions.
Humpty dumpty's staying home? Hey, that boat sinking was about weight distribution, not my actual weight.
So the problem is, we didn't take enough fat men.
Technically, yes.
And if I were you, I'd be more concerned with the cold weather and the lake freezing over.
I went ice fishing with him one time Here we go.
The middle of a frozen lake with a 300-pound man.
Somebody cracked their knuckles, I almost peed myself.
Christina.
Hey, Mike.
Carl, can I talk to you? Samuel, why don't you show me what's in the pie case.
You know better than me what's in the pie case.
Move it.
What's on your mind? Well, I just wanted to give you back some stuff you left at my house.
Oh.
You know I could've just swung by your place and grabbed it.
Well, that might have been a little awkward, - because James moved back in.
- Oh.
You and your ex-husband are playing house again, huh? We're trying to make it work.
Well, I hope the second time's a charm, 'cause he really messed up the first one but you know that, you divorced him.
Ooh, just took a nasty turn.
Hold it together, Carl.
Christina's rising, crossing to the door, giving him that half smile with the mixture of pity and relief.
Oh, we've all been on the bad end of that smile.
Uh-oh, he's going in for a hug.
Abort, Carl, abort.
She blocked it with a handshake.
And now he's kind of hugging her hand.
Aw, the humanity.
This is horrible to watch.
And I saw my entire village burned down by rebels.
What's happening now? Christina's walking out, Carl's trying not to look as she leaves - That's smart.
Don't look, Carl.
- Uh-oh, he's looking.
Five, four, three, two Christina, why?! All right, Rudolph, work with me.
Stay, boy.
Stay.
What the hell?! Molly, is that you? What are you doing?! It's dangerous down here.
Yeah, because people keep throwing boxes of pots down the stairs! Boy, I haven't been down here in years.
This used to be your dad's favorite room in the house.
Yeah, I remember he used to come down here Friday night, and we wouldn't see him until he'd stumble up the stairs for Sunday mass.
It's actually a really nice space.
There's even a bathroom and a shower.
It's like a little apartment.
It might be perfect for a newlywed couple trying to start a family.
Are you talking about me and Mike living down here? Why not? We can have a yard sale and pawn all this crap off on our neighbors.
I I think, by the time I get pregnant, Mike and I will be able to afford a place of our own.
Oh, of course you will.
All you got to do is give up the European vacations, the mani-pedis, the day spa and your membership in the shoe-of-the-week club.
You know, I really could make it sweet down here.
Look on the bright side you've been worrying about whether or not you guys were ever gonna get back together again, and now you know.
What a relief, huh? Man, she wanted no trace of me.
Gave me back my toenail clippers and my "Home of the whopper" underpants.
But she'll always have those memories.
I know I won't forget 'em, and I just heard about it.
You didn't actually clip your toenails in front of her, did you? I hid nothing from that woman.
Women like a little mystery.
And they don't like stepping on toenails.
I may not bounce back from this.
This is the kind of hurt that won't go away.
Oh, stop it.
I've seen you get shot down in a bar and three times by the same woman.
You're like a human whack-a-mole.
I'm just an empty shell of a man clinging to a box of what could've been.
Yeah.
You know what you need? Fishing with the fellas.
I can't carry around a fishing pole and this heavy heart.
You say that now, but wait until you're out in the fresh air, reeling in the walleyes, breathing in the magnificent splendor of God's country! I wouldn't have a good time, and you guys don't want to spend the weekend around a heartbroken, lonely man, desperately needing a shoulder to cry on.
You know best.
See you Monday.
Mom, where have you been? The yard crap crazies are gonna be here any minute.
You can't have a yard sale without kahlúa and coffee.
It's a Flynn tradition.
This is our first yard sale.
And so it begins.
Where do we put the big-ticket items? We can't sell prescription drugs.
They'll sell.
They took these painkills off the market.
Just 'cause a couple of lightweights tried to outrun a train, party's over for everybody.
I'm pretty sure it's illegal.
So is drinking in public, but here we are.
Put them on the table with Victoria's bong and your vibrator.
It's a neck massager.
Then use it on your neck! Oh, my God! Did we get evicted? I am too pretty to live out on the street.
I told you ten times, we're having a yard sale.
You made the sign.
Go upstairs and clean out your closet.
No bras or panties.
I don't want to have to turn the hose on anybody.
Those are more ebay items, anyway.
Japanese fellas eat those up.
Literally.
Oh, my God.
First customer of the day, and they're showing up in a mobile home.
Probably one of those crazy hoarders.
Mom, we're not gonna cure anybody.
We're here to unload our crap.
Welcome! Hi-ho, ladies! Hey, Harry.
Where'd you get the cool wheels? You mean the '87 Winnebago Chieftain that seats ten, sleeps four and gets over three miles to the gallon in the cit-ay? I thought you drove a Vespa.
That's just to impress the chicks.
This rig's for weekend fun.
I inherited it from my grandpa Kevin.
Along with my love of adventure and child-bearing hips.
Uh-huh.
Hey, maybe some of Mike's old pants will fit you.
Oh.
And we do take traveler's checks.
- Never leave home without 'em! - Ha-ha! I'm also looking for colonial glass and state spoons.
Well, you never know what you're gonna find.
I need Wyoming and Utah to complete my collection.
Happy hunting.
Hey, Samuel.
Mike should be out in a minute.
Might want to browse a little before the 6:00 A.
M.
rush.
Do you have any African folk art or tube socks? We've got tube socks aplenty, and, uh, there might be a Sanford and Son lunchbox.
All right, guys, daylight's burning.
Let's hit the road! Is there a fitting room, or should I just try these on behind the bush? Harry, drop my pants and get in the RV.
Are those my rollerblades? And my hockey stick are those my socks? Not anymore, they're not.
Hey, the catfish are jumping, and so should you.
Get out of that car right now! No.
You can't make me go.
I will grab you by them tiny ears and yank you through that window! Michael, get him out of that car and into that recreational vehicle.
Nana, he said he doesn't want to go, and I don't think it's a good idea to make him.
I knew I could depend on you, Michael.
Now I can have a lovely weekend with brother Heywood as planned.
Wait, I kind of said no, didn't I? And I said, "thanks for taking him".
Are we on the same page here? Yes, we are.
Oh, my, a yard sale.
You got any girdles or styrofoam wig heads? Check our "Sexy Senior" section.
I never saw you as the RV type.
Definitely pictured you living in the wild, but in some creepy cabin, filled with old magazines and mannequin parts.
Oh, I got this beauty from my grandpa.
This was his pride and joy.
Gramps loved the outdoors, huh? No.
But he loved antiquing.
Every summer, he and his best buddy, Steve, would leave the wives behind and drive from San Francisco to key west, purchasing curios and knickknacks all the way.
Just two grown men in a camper buying antiques? Huh.
I will say they kept this thing in pristine condition.
Ah, grandpa and Steve were both very immaculate.
I walked in on them once washing each other's hair.
Just wait, Carl.
In four short hours, we'll be at beautiful lake Geneva, catching muskies faster than we can eat 'em.
A piece of fish ain't gonna fill the empty hole I got in my gut.
That's why we brought bratwurst and that weird Portuguese bread you like.
You know, most of life's problems can't be solved with food.
That's why we brought beer, too.
Look, the best thing you can do right now is clear your head, get out of the city and leave your old, familiar routine behind.
I agree.
Nothing worse than the same old, same old.
Judy Garland live at Carnegie Hall.
Oh, Gramps and Steve loved them some Judy.
They'd listen to this tape from start to finish, waiting for their mud masks to dry.
clang, clang, clang went the trolley ding, ding, ding went the bell zing, zing, zing went my heart strings and I knew from that moment, I fell chug, chug, chug went the motor buzz, buzz, buzz went the brakes Oh, good eye.
I paid a pretty penny for those and never wore 'em.
Do you have 'em in a nine? No.
Those those are the shoes.
I might be able to fit in an eight and a half.
No.
See, this isn't a shoe store.
This is a yard, and those only come in one size: Mine.
You got 'em in black? Walk away.
Just walk away.
Mol, that's the third person you've asked to leave.
What? You've got a problem with my customer service skills? I'm here to move product, not make friends.
Having a yard sale, I see.
Hi Peggy.
FYI, if you're trying to keep something from your bargain-hunting mother-in-law, you might want to avoid placing ads in the thrifty nickel.
That's my Bible.
I was gonna call you.
- I just got really busy.
- Uh-huh.
Put that out in the yard with the rest of your crap, 'cause I'm not buying it.
Well, I'm just so glad you made it.
And don't worry.
You get the friends and family discount.
What kind of discounts do I get for gifts I gave you? You know what? That that is not the same one that you gave me for our wedding.
I guess a different Molly got a crock-pot from "Peggy and Jim.
" What?! Oh, my God! I I didn't put this out there.
Uh I don't want to point fingers, but she's still drunk from last night, and the other one started pounding kahlúa and painkillers at the crack of dawn, so They work for free, so you get what you pay for.
Beautiful, huh? Fresh pine-scented air, sound of lake water lapping up on the shore.
All right.
We have a problem.
Who made boom-boom in the rv? As I clearly stated, rule number one was: no number twos.
I'm sure whoever did it is sorry and wishing they'd gone at the Stuckey's when they had the chance.
It was a bad idea coming on this trip.
I should have called that old woman's bluff.
There's no way her shoe could have fit up my ass.
Come on, man.
You're acting like you're the only guy who's ever had his heart broken.
Yeah.
Who amongst us has not loved and lost? I mean, other than the Captain of the SS Masturbation.
The point is, everybody gets hurt, but you got to get past it.
Come on, let's do some fishing.
Let's go, buddy.
There's a big one out there with your name on it.
No, there's not.
I landed my fish, and she snapped my line and swam away.
Come on, you can't give up.
You just need to put your pole back in the water.
It hurts too much to even hold my pole.
This is weird.
Are we still talking about fishing? It is a very nice blender, huh? I got a new one for a wedding present, so - Two dollar.
- Oh, no, no.
It says, uh, $15, but I would consider ten.
Two dollar! No! No, ten.
Hello.
Two dollar.
Need a hand? I'm just trying to tell her it's ten dollars.
Don't worry.
I speak a little Korean.
All right, kimchi, mix-mix ten-ten.
- You no like, you go away.
- What are you doing? - You can't talk to people like that.
- Please.
I've been bumping into that yard sale tramp for years.
She speaks better English than you do.
Let me handle this.
You get 'em mad, they start making mistakes.
Three dollar.
Already a little movement.
All right, I know you're just eyeballing the big-ticket items so you can resell them at your yard sale.
No understand.
Cut the crap.
Where do you think I bought that crock-pot? My wedding present? Really? I remember you.
Got me down to four dollars.
Your overbearing nature is legendary.
We're not here to kiss each other's asses, madame butterfly.
We're here to do business.
She's not taking a penny less than ten bucks for that blender.
But for $15, you get back your crock-pot, and you can take home these penis-shaped ice cube trays.
$11.
$12, and we'll - we'll throw in the neck massager.
- $12.
And you keep neck massager.
- Deal.
- Deal.
- That was fun.
- Mmm.
Nothing like being on the good end of a bad deal to make you feel alive.
You should stick around a little longer and help me unload more of this stuff.
- We're a pretty good team.
- Hmm.
I'll stay until 4:30 and only on commission.
15%.
Ten.
You got to help me carry my mom upstairs.
You drive a hard bargain.
Well, I learned from the best.
- Fifteen.
- Deal.
Wait.
Wait.
Behold.
Our catch of the day.
Better eat it fast before a bird grabs it.
We either need a big side dish or Jesus of Nazareth.
I thought you said these gorgeous, silvery waters were a bursting cornucopia of aquatic life.
Boy, the apple doesn't roll too far from the fruit tree, does it? For the last time, my grandpa was not a homosexual.
He was a rotarian.
He and Steve brewed their own beer.
What was it called? Pabst blew everybody? We'd have plenty to eat if you guys hadn't used the bratwurst for bait.
You're the one who forgot to bring the night crawlers.
Hey, I was a little busy trying to get Mopey Dick in the RV.
I told you guys I was gonna ruin the trip.
Thanks for being a man of your word.
Why don't we stuff him in a cooler and set him adrift? Viking funeral.
Oh, now you want to kill me.
Where were you when I was begging you to tie an anchor around my neck and push me overboard? If he's planning on sticking his head in the oven, I should probably turn the propane on.
Save me some fish.
Hey, buddy.
Made you a s'more.
Not hungry.
I'll have it late You know what? They're not good cold anyway.
Sorry for ruining everybody's weekend.
Don't worry.
We'll hit that adult video barn on the drive back, they'll forget all about it.
I know a woman of that caliber can never love a man like me.
Remember when I said those exact same words? It was right before I met Molly.
I remember.
But a very good friend told me something.
He said, "Mike, you're a good man.
And out there is a good woman who's waiting to meet you.
" I was right.
Yes, you were, and I guarantee you that there's a woman out there who will love you for who you are.
Nah, nobody wants a guy like me.
Are you kidding me? You're a handsome man.
Fit, well-groomed.
Nobody takes better care of their toenails.
I always took pride in my feet.
A man's feet are his calling card.
It's a shame you got to put shoes on those beauties.
And you know, since Christina dumped me, I've been working out like a fiend.
Yeah, mostly core work and upper-body stuff.
I was gonna comment, but I didn't want to embarrass you.
Oh, no reason to be embarrassed about this.
Huh? Wow.
Look at that.
It's like somebody cut a pan of brownies.
Go ahead and touch 'em.
- Really? - Yeah.
I insist.
All right.
Huh? Wow.
Those are hard.
Hey, you guys, we're gonna Ah, geez.
Can't men just camp together anymore? We gonna rock rock down to electric Avenue and then we'll take it higher oh, we gonna rock down to electric Avenue and then we'll take it higher Oh! You're back early.
Yeah, we found a shortcut on the way back.
It was on, uh Electric Avenue.
Funny.
So, what do you think? It's not the same without the sparklers.
I meant the basement.
I know.
It's great.
Right? And if we do get pregnant, before we have a place of our own, this can be our little apartment.
Until then, it could be my man-cave.
Ah.
I could bring my air hockey game down here and my foosball table.
Those things actually worked? Maybe I should have charged more.
You sold my stuff? We gonna rock down to electric Avenue