Rules of Engagement s03e06 Episode Script

That's not what I said, Joe.
That's not what I said, Joe.
Hey, Tanya? You know what your problem is? You don't listen.
Tanya.
I talk, but it's like I'm not there.
You know how that makes me feel? Bad.
Angry.
Tanya! Oh, hey, Audrey.
Hey, I gotta go.
Because some of us have to work for a living.
Am I the only one getting the irony around here? My boyfriend and I are having some problems.
Well, clearly it's not affecting your work.
Oh, believe me, it is.
What do you need? I just need you to confirm my lunch reservation tomorrow at La Maison.
Lunch at La Maison.
Yes.
I don't see it on the calendar.
Tanya, I asked you to do it last Thursday.
Remember? I told you it was for an important new client, who specifically requested that restaurant.
Yeah, last Thursday.
That was a bad day.
Right, can you just call now and try to get me a table? On one day's notice? Good luck.
That place takes forever to get a reservation.
I know.
That's why I asked you to do it last Thursday.
Okay, cool your jets.
I'll call.
Oh, boy.
What do you want now, Joe? Hold on.
Mind if I take a break? From what? Yeah.
I can talk.
No, don't say that about her, Joe.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing here? I called.
Didn't Tanya give you the message? I'm not sure.
Was the message, "That's not what I said, Joe"? Uh, anyway, I had a meeting in the neighborhood, I thought I'd take you to dinner.
You know, every once in a while I remember why I married you.
But tomorrow night I don't want you anywhere near the apartment.
Then I forget again.
So why am I barred from my own home? Uh, it's the playoffs, Giants-Cowboys, same as last year.
You worked late that night, I bought a meatball sub at the deli down the block, watched the game, Giants won.
Gotta repeat that exact same strategy.
That's not a strategy, babe, it's just a crazy superstition.
Crazier than putting on your "lucky thong" before you weigh yourself? I don't have a How did you know? What time is the game over? Call me at 11, but if I don't pick up, give it another hour.
If I still don't pick up, get a hotel.
* How many ways To say, "I love you"? * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * Come on, it's fun.
No, I'm never gonna do that so stop asking me.
Booze plus time.
She'll do it.
You don't even know what they're talking about.
It's just good general advice.
My parents got us a tent, but Jen refuses to go camping.
It was a big part of my childhood and I want to share it with her.
Camping? Seems like a waste of booze and time.
No, I-it's really romantic.
Look, I don't want to be any place where I'm gonna hear, "just go behind a tree and use a leaf.
" You can totally use toilet paper.
You just have to bury it when you're done.
If that doesn't get you in the mood I'm sorry, honey, it's just not my thing.
Is this about your crazy fear of bears? Yes, it's insane to be afraid of a ten foot tower of teeth and claws.
Oh, that reminds me, your mother called.
Nine-thirty, meet with board of directors, and 3:15, foot massage with Nadia.
Okay, now, Nadia understands that by "foot" massage we really mean Yes, it was explained to her.
Hey, hey, look who's here.
It's Un-Kool and the Gang.
Good one, sir.
Good one.
Yeah, it hurts to get insulted by Ebony and STD.
Snappy riposte, sir.
Now, moving on.
Brenda called again, would you like to return? Yeah, back to the time before I met that whack-job.
What else? Your dinner at La Maison tonight has been confirmed as well.
You got him into La Maison? I can't believe it.
Why, is there a height requirement? Yeah, you gotta be under 8 feet.
I'll be right back.
Tanya, it's Audrey.
Keep trying to get me in at La Maison.
I'm still waiting for directions to the photo shoot at Beekman Studios in Brooklyn.
I need them ASAP.
I've heard La Maison is fantastic, but impossible to get a reservation.
You know what's fantastic that you don't need reservations for? Camping.
Yeah, it's amazing people aren't lining up to get zipped into a canvas bag and peed on by raccoons.
Oh, hey, look at that.
Tanya sent me directions to the shoot.
Actually, Mrs.
Bingham, that was me.
You? Yes, I MapQuested the studio and forwarded the information on to you.
Timmy, that's so nice.
Thank you.
My absolute pleasure.
Russell's a lucky guy.
How long have you been with him? It'll be two months tomorrow.
I remember because he just received his bimonthly issue of Rump magazine.
Well, if you ever want to sort mail that doesn't come in a plain brown wrapper, give me a call.
You never know, I may just take you up on that offer.
Really? Well, you know where to find me.
I surely do.
God, you two, get an office.
Wow.
You are asking a lot of that drawstring.
I gotta wear the same thing I wore last year.
These are my Giant sweats which you obviously shrunk.
No, that is your giant ass which you obviously grew.
You don't really believe this stuff has anything to do with them actually winning? Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't.
I'm not risking the big game to find out.
Is that new, right there? Yeah, I just bought it yesterday.
If it wasn't here last year, then it's not invited.
Jeff Audrey, I don't make the rules.
Plant out.
Bobblehead in.
Oh, my God.
Timmy got me lunch reservations at La Maison.
Hee-hee.
He is amazing.
What are you doing? Texting him back.
"If you ever get tired of Russell, call me.
" "Well, I just might.
" "Well, you know where to find me.
" I didn't do that.
You're playing with fire.
Timmy's with Russell.
So don't be getting all gooey about him.
That is ridiculous, I'm not getting gooey.
Oh, Timmy.
He got me a table by the window.
And he sent one of those smiley faces that, you know, wink.
Yeah, you better watch it.
There are certain lines we don't cross.
You're an adult.
So act like one.
Hey, look at this.
Good morning, Mr.
Dunbar.
I set up a 10:30 conference call Uh, cancel.
What else? A noon stockholder's meeting Uh, pass.
What else? Sir, Brenda called again Ugh.
Didn't you tell her how busy I am? All right, it's time for the old Habitat for Humanity story.
What countries have I already helped? Well, you have rebuilt most of South America, and for some reason you've visited Namibia three times.
Yeah, Brad and Angelina made that place cool, but once Shiloh came along we were over that mud hole.
Sir, just offering a thought.
Wouldn't it be better to tell Brenda the truth? Oh-ho-ho, sweet Timmy.
I'm gonna give you a scenario.
What if I'm drunk one night, and it's late, and I don't feel like trying.
I call Brenda, "Hey, I just got back from impoverished, war-torn?" Sierra Leone? No, a country.
Sir, um, also, I know it's taken a while, but I have finally finished the Waterman report.
Oh, I canceled that, like, a week ago.
You never told me that, sir.
I worked three weekends in a row, because I thought you needed it today.
Maybe that's why you forgot I scratched it, because you're exhausted.
I didn't forget, you forgot to tell me! Well, listen, we can spend all day arguing over who worked on it a month and who canceled it.
But I guess we'll never know.
Tanya.
What bridge, Joe? What bridge, Joe? Joe.
What bridge? Tanya, I know you know what that ringing is, I've seen you react to it before.
He's threatening to jump.
What do you want me to do, put him on hold? The Verrazano? Why would you go all the way to the Verrazano when the Brooklyn Bridge is right down the street? You always have to do everything the hard way.
Audrey Bingham.
Mrs.
Bingham, it's Timmy.
Um Can you meet me tonight after work? Oh! Oh! I hit my shin again.
Okay, we're almost there.
Can I just please take this stupid blindfold off? No, not yet.
It's a surprise.
The only surprise is whether I'm bleeding or not.
Just assume you are.
Now you can focus on my surprise.
And here we are.
You ready? For you to push me off the roof? At this point, yes.
Oh, my God.
See? This is how great camping can be.
We've got our cozy tent, secured to a satellite dish, just how the settlers used to do.
Big comfy air mattress, bathroom right downstairs, no bugs and absolutely no bears.
It's beautiful.
Okay, well, have a seat, because dinner is served.
I can't believe you did all this.
I wanted you to see how romantic camping is, with the stars and the moon.
Just you and me and the beauty of nature.
Voilà! Jen! Jen! Jen! Jen! Jen, get it off me! How many? Didn't there used to be a deli here? Ah, no more.
How many? Well, I need to get a meatball sub from the same deli I bought one last year.
Deli gone.
Oh, no, this is not good.
Yes, good.
Very good.
Dan Rather eat here.
Geez.
Do I get my pre-game meal from the same place as last year if it's not the same exact thing or do I get the same meal as last year but from a different place? You buy here.
Can you make something close to an Italian meatball sandwich? Yeah, yeah.
Are you sure? This is important.
Yeah, yeah, we make.
Okay.
One, uh, meatball submarine sandwich to go.
Yeah, yeah.
You want, uh, soy sauce and hot mustard? No.
What I would like is tomato sauce and cheese.
Yeah, yeah.
Duck sauce.
Timmy.
Yes, sir? You want to tell me what's going on? I I'm not sure I understand.
I think you do.
I trusted you, Timmy.
How could you do this to me? Well, Mr.
Dunbar How could you forget to call Brenda? Brenda you say? Yes.
Brenda.
Yeah, she nabbed me on the cell phone.
And she had no idea I was out building homes for the poor people of Pooristan.
Pooristan, sir? Yeah.
You didn't call her and give her the name of a real country.
Luckily I don't think she caught it, she's not exactly Google Earth.
Yes, terribly sorry for the mix-up, sir.
It won't ever happen again.
Hold on.
It's not like you to mix things up.
Oh, you're not still mad about this Waterman report, are you? No, sir.
I'm fine.
It's all fine.
Really.
Okay.
Must be off now.
Okay.
Okay.
Hey-o? Hey, Brenda.
Oh, you looked it up, did you? I'm sorry again about dinner.
Stupid birds.
It's okay.
You feeling better? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I just kind of freaked out when that one got caught in my hair.
Yeah, he was really stuck.
Maybe it's time to ease up on the hair gel.
I don't want to overreact.
I just wanted everything to go perfect tonight, you know, so you'd be into going camping with me for real.
You know, I will go actual camping with you.
Really? Mm-hm.
And when we do, I promise to protect you from birds as long as you protect me from bears.
I will.
I will protect you from bears, mountain lions Th-There's mountain lions? No.
Hey, you guys order a pizza? So what we got, pepperoni and mushroom? Yeah, I think so.
Let's take a peek.
Don't open that box! All right.
Pennants, check.
Bobblehead, check.
Meatball sub.
Huh? Ah, why I'd buy there? All right, game time.
Oh, come on.
No! No! Mm, goodnight, Tanya.
Oh, I got you that lunch reservation at La Maison.
Ten forty-five Christmas Day.
Do you mind eating at the bar? I I took the client there today.
Someone else got me in.
Well, you might've told me.
And by the way, I talked Joe down from the bridge.
Thanks for asking.
Joe? I-it's It's me.
Hello? What'd you do to the TV? I don't have time for this, Jeff.
Just tell me what I said last year.
No, this isn't part of that.
I just turned it on.
There's no picture.
I didn't do anything.
Maybe there's a problem with the satellite dish.
I gotta go.
Oh.
It's really coming down out there.
Sorry, I tried to park as close to your office as I could.
No, no, it's fine.
I'm glad you called.
I almost didn't come.
I think Russell suspects something.
Why? Oh, it's a feeling.
I know him so well.
He doesn't deserve you, Timmy.
You're too good for him.
I wish I could have made a clean break before starting with someone new.
So it wouldn't feel so dirty.
You have nothing to feel guilty about.
He takes you for granted, he doesn't care about you.
With me, you'd blossom.
Oh, there is so much I'd let you do.
And believe me, I want to do it, Audrey.
I want to do it all.
What about you and Tanya? Oh, that's been over for months.
I just didn't have the heart to tell her.
We're going to hurt a lot of people, aren't we? We have to think of ourselves.
Why don't we go upstairs? We'd be more comfortable there.
If I go up there with you, there is no turning back.
I know.
All right.
Just, uh, be gentle.
What? With the door handle.
It's broken.
Oh, dear me.
It's a text from Russell.
Uh.
"Just read Waterman report.
Great job.
We can use it on the next project.
" Oh, my goodness, he actually read it.
Too little too late, Timmy.
Be strong.
Yes, quite right.
"And happy two-monthiversary.
" He remembered.
Damn it.
Don't throw away your one chance at happiness.
Oh, for God's sake, Timmy, look at me.
Audrey, I I You're never going to leave him, are you? I'm so sorry.
Look, Audrey, I think you're Don't.
Wonderful.
There's nothing to say.
Let's just Right.
Okay.
It's fine.
Well, looks like the rain's letting up.
Goodbye, Audrey.
I want you to know I'll never forget you.
You'll see me tomorrow at the diner.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, a bear! A bear! It's a bear! It's a bear! It's a bear!