Big Bang Theory s03e07 Episode Script

Wow, Sheldon, I cannot believe you made up your own game.
Oh.
Research Lab is more than a game.
It's like the slogan says: "The physics is theoretical, but the fun is real.
" We must not be playing it right.
All right.
Five.
One, two, three, four, five.
Oh, wow, look at that.
My Department of Defense research grant is renewed.
Oh.
Great roll.
Now you can demolish your Soviet-style cyclotron and build the large hadron collider.
Yay.
You're a natural at this, Penny.
And as the first beta testers, you two have quite the edge when we play with Wolowitz and Koothrappali on Sunday.
Oh, gee, Sheldon, I don't think we can play on Sunday.
Why not? Because of the reasons that Penny will now tell you.
Penny? I have to pick up my friend Justin from the airport.
There you go.
She has to pick up her friend Justin.
And I can't play because I'm going with her.
Right? Uh, yeah, if you want.
There may not be room.
He's got a lot of stuff, like guitars and amplifiers.
Wait.
What are you talking about? My friend Justin.
Pay attention, Leonard.
That's why she can't play on Sunday.
-Who is this Justin? -Your turn.
-I told you about him.
-Roll the dice.
Yeah.
My friend from Omaha, plays the guitar.
He's coming looking for session work.
So I told him he could crash on my couch.
Come on.
Roll a six, Penny dies horribly in a nuclear meltdown.
See what I mean when I say the fun is real? Hang on.
Some guy is gonna be sleeping on your couch? He's not some guy.
He's my friend.
So by friend, do you mean "friend" friend gay friend, or "ex-boyfriend you're now platonic with but still might have a thing for you" friend? Well, he's definitely not gay.
Oh.
A definitely-not-gay musician sleeping on my girlfriend's couch.
Yippie.
Okay, we went out a little bit a long time ago.
But we were never, like, going out.
Okay.
Not to be pedantic, the last I checked "went out" was the past tense of "going out" which I think we all know is a popular euphemism for saw each other naked.
I'll just roll for you.
You have a problem with Justin staying with me? What was your first clue? Uh-oh.
Industrial accident.
Know what? Don't talk to me like an idiot.
I'm not talking to you like an idiot.
I'm saying the whole idea is idiotic.
"You accidentally stare at a helium-argon laser.
Lose one turn and a retina.
" How's that not talking to me like I'm an idiot? It's my friend, it's my couch and it's my freaking life.
It's also your roll.
You know what? It is your life.
If you wanna have some stupid guitarist stay on your couch, fine! Why don't you just rent bunk beds and invite the Black Eyed Peas? Hey, if I wanna invite the line-up of Lollapalooza to my apartment, I will.
It's none of your business.
Do you know how childish you sound right now? -Oh, now I'm a child.
Not an idiot anymore.
-Hey, the two aren't mutually exclusive.
Oh, you are such a-- [BLENDER WHIRRING.]
-What the hell is he doing? -Drowning us out.
He doesn't like fighting.
Sheldon, just stop.
Look, the fight is over.
Oh, and FYI.
You never even heard of the Black Eyed Peas until you met me.
I heard of them.
I didn't know they were a band.
Sheldon, she's gone.
You can turn off the blender.
[BLENDER STOPS.]
Has your relationship reached its inevitable ugly end? No, we just had a little spat.
Look on the bright side.
As a result of Penny's forfeit you have become the world's first winner of Research Lab.
Would you like a commemorative snow cone? I don't get how she can just announce that an old boyfriend is gonna sleep on her couch.
Hey, I thought of a game we can play in the car.
I don't wanna play a game, Sheldon.
It's called Scientists.
Now, I will name three scientists you'll put them in order of the size of their contribution to their fields.
To make this game even more compelling you must consider only the contribution of the man to the field not the validity of the field itself.
For example, Abu Musa Jabir ibn Hayyan made a greater contribution to the discredited field of alchemy than Halbert Vanderplatt made to neurobiology.
Okay.
Ready to have some fun? An old boyfriend who's "definitely not gay.
" You know, that's what a guy likes to hear.
"Definitely.
" All right, I'll start with an easy one.
Um, Isaac Newton, Madame Curie and Niels Bohr.
And then I say one little thing and I end up being the bad guy.
Hint.
Madame Curie had her husband to help her.
What am I supposed to say? "Sure, Penny.
I'm cool with your old boyfriend sleeping in your apartment.
" [MOCKING PENNY.]
"It doesn't matter if you're cool or not.
Because I'm Penny, I'm pretty and I can do whatever I want.
" [NORMAL VOICE.]
"You think you're doing a favor by being in a relationship with me.
" [MOCKING PENNY.]
"No.
I'm doing you a favor by being in the same room as you.
" Leonard, stop the car.
What? I can't listen to the two of you fight anymore.
-Come on.
We're late.
-Calm down.
We'll make the movie.
I believe my alarm is appropriate.
The movie starts in 17 minutes.
We'll need to make all the lights on Colorado Boulevard.
Plus, skip the concession stand and pre-show urination.
Oh, dude, I wish you had said something before I pounded that last Red Bull.
SHELDON: Go.
Go, Power Rangers, go.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-We're, uh, going to the movies.
-No, we're not.
We're standing in the hallway, suffering through an awkward encounter.
Hang on.
They're showing a digital Time Bandits.
You wouldn't wanna come, would you? Not really, no.
All right.
Invitation pointlessly offered, declined as expected.
Everyone's civil, nobody's fighting.
Have a nice evening.
Just give us a minute? Take all the time you need.
So are we gonna talk about last night? -Are you ready to apologize? -No.
Ehh! Wrong answer.
But thank you for playing.
Come on.
This is stupid.
Oh, there it is again.
You think I'm stupid.
No.
There's a difference between being and acting stupid.
Oh, yeah? Well, there's a difference between being a jerk and being an ass.
No, there isn't.
They're synonyms.
Well, that was rather unpleasant.
Yeah.
I don't think I need my pre-show urination anymore.
Leonard, when that woman moved in three years ago I told you not to talk to her.
Now look, we are late for the movies.
Hey, look Amazing Spider-Man 193.
Got it.
Remember this one? Spider-Man loses a big fight and then his girlfriend breaks up with him.
You want me to get it for you? It will help take your mind off things.
Hey, guys.
What's going on? Ah, we need to kill a couple hours until the next showing.
Oh, well, no problem.
I was thinking of closing early, and going home but let's face it, that's just a smaller lonely room filled with comic books.
Thanks, Stuart.
Let me ask you.
Do you think it's okay to have an ex-boyfriend sleep on her couch? -She's obviously way out of line.
-Thank you.
But if she dumps you, she'll have a new boyfriend by tomorrow and you'll have a new girlfriend when you figure out how to build one.
So the only question is, how long until you fold? I am not gonna fold.
Well, excuse me.
I don't think Penny's out of line.
You don't own her.
It's like my girl Beyoncé says: "If you like it, you should've put a ring on it.
" At the very least, when she found out Leonard was upset about it -she should've backed off.
-Like when a guy's upset his friend agreed to take a class with him and then doesn't because he's doing a juice fast with his mother? I didn't know you were upset about that.
Really? Did you miss the subtle indicators? Like me saying, "Howard, I am upset.
" HOWARD: Okay, sorry.
-Maybe it's different in this country.
Back in India, it means you're upset with a guy named Howard.
-I said I'm sorry.
-Sorry doesn't make up for the fact I had to make chicken and rice with this vegan guy.
Do you know what vegan chicken and rice is? Rice.
You think I was having fun? Sitting around listening to my mother say: [AS MRS.
WOLOWITZ.]
"Have you ever peed so much in your life?" Oh, my God.
You are such a mama's boy.
HOWARD: Don't bring my mother into this! -You brought your mother into this! Stop it! Both of you! This fighting, I might as well be back with my parents.
[AS MOTHER.]
"I told you if you didn't quit drinking, I'd leave you.
" [AS FATHER.]
"I guess that makes you a liar.
I'm drunk as hell and you're still here.
" [AS MOTHER.]
"Stop yelling.
You're making Sheldon cry.
" [AS FATHER.]
"I'll tell you what's making Sheldon cry.
That I let you name him Sheldon.
" Boy, what got him so upset? Oh, sure.
You can tell when Sheldon's upset.
Oh.
Thank you very much.
Come back soon.
With the other half of my tip.
[SIGHS.]
Hey, Sheldon.
What're you doing here? This is a restaurant.
It's lunchtime.
I'd think as a waitress you'd be familiar with the paradigm.
-Is Leonard coming? -No.
I believe Leonard is waiting for you to come back to him and apologize.
-Well, that's not gonna happen.
-I assumed that.
-Hence my true purpose in coming here.
-Which is? I want you to crawl back to him and apologize.
-I'm busy.
-Excuse me, miss.
I'd like to order lunch.
-Fine.
What do you want? -I have a few questions.
First, I notice that you offer soup and a half sandwich.
-Yes.
-Where exactly does the half-sandwich come from? Are you giving me half of someone else's sandwich? Or do I have to wait for someone else to order the other half? No.
Sheldon, they just make a half sandwich.
You can't make a half sandwich.
If it's not half of a whole sandwich, it's just a small sandwich.
Okay, fine.
It's soup and a small sandwich.
-Is that what you want? -Of course not.
I'll have my usual.
-Great.
-Aren't you gonna ask -if I want a beverage? -Usually lemonade? -Yes.
-Want lemonade? -Yes.
-Anything else? Yes.
I want you to apologize to Leonard.
I am not going to apologize.
I've done nothing.
He's overreacting.
Irrelevant.
The disruption in your relationship is making my life intolerable.
Well, I'm sorry, Sheldon, but this really isn't about you.
I don't follow.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'll be right there.
Look, Sheldon, I have to go.
All right.
Let's assume ad arguendum, that in this case Leonard is wrong.
-Leonard is wrong.
-Considering the transgressions you committed that he's overlooked don't you think that you could return the favor? I'm coming.
Goodbye, Sheldon.
What do you mean transgressions I've committed? Were you under the impression that Leonard has no complaints about you? Like what? Yeah, yeah, I see you.
You're making a check sign in the air.
Got it.
Just hold your horses.
-What does Leonard complain about? -Your driving.
The stuffed animals on your bed that stare at him during your amorous activities.
Your constant tardiness, your singing.
-My singing? -That's from my list.
Leonard'd be a fool if he didn't agree with it.
Okay, if Leonard has problems with me, why hasn't he just said so? According to him, you're over-sensitive and have a temper.
Oh, really? Well, then do me a favor and tell Leonard that he can drop dead.
And she wonders why she's constantly under-tipped.
-Hey.
-Oh, good, you're home.
-I need you to do me a favor.
-Sure.
-Go apologize to Penny.
-What? Right now would be good.
[BANGING ON DOOR.]
PENNY: Leonard! -A few minutes ago would've been better.
I hear you don't like my stuffed animals, my driving or my punctuality.
Who would tell you something like that? Why would you tell her something like that? It doesn't matter why he told me.
It's true, isn't it? Okay, yeah, it's true.
But I can live with that stuff.
What I can't live with is you casually informing me some guy is gonna be staying without asking me first.
That isn't even your problem.
Problem is you don't trust me.
Oh, come on.
Sheldon, have you ever once heard me say that I don't trust Penny? Sheldon? Where did he go? Ugh.
Your yelling must've freaked him out again.
Where are you going? You just walk away in the middle of an argument? No.
I'm gonna find your roommate before he hurts himself trying to cross the street or something.
Why didn't you say so? PENNY: Now I need your permission for that too? I can't read your mind, Penny.
PENNY: Really? Why not? You're so smart and I'm so dumb! Raj.
Raj.
Raj.
RAJESH: Stop knocking.
It's open.
Please tell my parents that our dark matter research is at a critical juncture.
I can't come for my cousin Sanjay's wedding.
Ask our son what we're supposed to say to Mr.
and Mrs.
Chaudri whose daughter, Lakshmi, is flying in for the sole purpose of meeting him.
I didn't ask you to set me up.
-You should be thanking us.
-Yes, Lakshmi got her stomach stapled.
You have an opportunity to get in with her before she loses weight and her self-esteem goes up.
I don't care.
And why don't you think I can find a woman for myself? You're 27, the closest thing we have to a daughter-in-law is that Jewish boy, Howard.
Oh, that is completely below the belt.
Sheldon, tell my parents that Howard and I are just friends.
Sheldon? Howard and I are just friends.
Fine.
I'll come home for Sanjay's wedding.
Sheldon.
[WHISTLES.]
What are you doing? He's not a lost dog.
Hey, why don't you just let me find him while you sit there hitting your imaginary brake? The brake might be imaginary, but that stop sign you just ran wasn't.
-What stop sign? -Eyes on the road.
Eyes on the road! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
MRS.
WOLOWITZ: Howard, answer the door! I'm busy! HOWARD: I'm busy too! You answer it! MRS.
WOLOWITZ: I can't! I'm on the toilet! HOWARD: God's sake, I don't need to hear that! Can't you just say, "I'm busy?" MRS.
WOLOWITZ: I said, "I'm busy," but that wasn't good enough for you! HOWARD: I hope it's one of those home invasion deals and they shoot me in the head.
MRS.
WOLOWITZ: Well, if it's a home invader, don't tell them I'm on the toilet! There's no one there.
You're hearing things, you crazy old lady.
Hey, Stuart.
Have you seen Sheldon? Yeah.
He's, uh, over in the graphic novel section.
Built himself a little nest.
Thank you.
-Uh, Penny.
-Yeah? -Is everything okay? -What do you mean? Uh, Sheldon told me you and Leonard are having a fight.
Oh, yeah, kind of.
It's no big thing.
STUART: Oh, good.
Good.
I love you.
I'm not leaving until you talk to me.
-Hey, what's going on? -It's a little hard to explain.
He pretends he's in an alternate dimension that occupies the same physical space we're in, but he can't perceive us.
Don't flatter yourself.
I'm just ignoring you.
All right, come on, Sheldon, let's go home.
We're done fighting.
I've heard that before.
Then the next thing you know, I'm hiding in my bedroom blaring a Richard Feynman lecture, Mom shouting Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad's meat loaf.
And my dad's on the roof skeet shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.
Okay, there's gonna be no more shouting and no skeet shooting.
Really? Where's your friend Justin going to sleep? -Yeah, where is he gonna sleep? -Oh, my God, would you let this go? I'd let it go.
Why should I let it go? Why don't you just tell the guy to find a place to sleep? [TOY BLARING MUSIC.]
Oh, for God sakes.
[MUSIC STOPS.]
So you have childhood issues.
We all have childhood issues.
At some point, you just need to grow up and get past them.
TOY: Fire.
Fire.
[LASER SOUND EFFECTS FIRING.]
Leonard, let me handle this.
Please? -Fire, fire.
-Look, let-- She-- [TOY CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
[TOY STOPS.]
Sheldon, please try and understand.
Look, Leonard and I are in a relationship and occasionally we're gonna fight.
But no matter what happens between us, we will always love you.
Right, Leonard? Always is a long time.
Sure.
Always.
You know, how about we buy you this robot and then we all go home? I want that one.
Okay, you can have that one.
Oh, come on.
He's just gonna play with it twice and then it'll end up in his closet with all the other junk.
Buy him the robot, Leonard.
-Can I get this comic book too? -Yes, you can.
[PENNY SIGHS.]
We meet again.
So, what did Justin say when you told him he couldn't sleep on your couch? He's a musician.
He'll sleep in his own vomit if he has to.
I should have asked for much more than a comic book and a robot.