Cheers s03e07 Episode Script

COACH IN LOVE You got any fresh coffee? Great.
Carla, I hate to criticise, but I can't believe you actually read these sleazy scandal sheets.
Look at this.
Even I'm above this.
"Big Foot Stole My Wife.
" "Have Aliens Taken Over Your Pet?" This is garbage! For your information, I don't read those articles.
I think they're just as stupid as you do.
I get it because they happen to have a great crossword puzzle.
OK, let's see.
Seven across.
Five-headed cow born in Vermont.
Maybelle.
State with the most UFO babies.
- Arkansas.
- I don't believe it.
found in every kitchen cabinet.
I don't know what that one is.
Let me see what 14 down is.
Where Franco's brain is being kept alive.
Fish tank.
OK, so, the fifth letter of the aphrodisiac is an A.
Now I remember.
Oregano.
Trash.
Hi, sweetheart.
Don't look at me like that.
I know we haven't spent much time together, but a lot's been happening down at Cheers.
Let me grab a beer.
Irene Blanchard walks into the bar a few weeks ago.
Coach falls for her like a ton of bricks.
Like when we first laid eyes on each other.
He's taking her out on the town and they've seen each other every night.
So it wasn't unexpected when Coach comes in tonight Hey, I saw that yawn.
Well, I can finish this story tomorrow.
Come on, let's you and me turn in.
No! You'll wake up Vera.
- Norm? - Be right up, dear.
You stupid dog.
I hope she's not in the mood to talk or anything.
- Antony, everything under control? - You think the place would be on fire? I was worried, this being your first time watching the kids alone.
- Yeah, I know, but it was no sweat.
- That's my little man.
Yuck.
It feels good to get off my feet.
Where are the kids? - Locked in the hall closet.
- Let them out! - Sure, Ma.
- I didn't say now.
Would you like another piece of pie, Cliffie? I shouldn't, but I can't resist your gooseberry pie, Mom.
Wipe your chin.
That's a good boy.
Did you have a nice time tonight at Cheers? - Yeah, it was OK.
- Did you meet any young ladies? No, but there was some excitement.
I told you about the Coach and Irene? Tonight he asked her to marry him and she said yeah.
Then she gets a call from her daughter and Irene's won the lottery.
- Two million smackers.
- Good Lord.
We're kind of worried, though.
She forgot about Coach when she won that dough.
Maybe it'll work out.
When are you taking me to Cheers to meet your friends? - When hell freezes over.
- What? When the front seat of the car is fixed.
Fine.
- Hello.
- What are you wearing? - Frasier.
- I'm not Frasier.
I'm not wearing anything.
Does that excite you? Frasier, I know it's you.
It's very late.
- You always know it's me.
- You always do the same thing.
I just called to say I love you.
You're the most thoughtful boyfriend I've ever had.
That's not saying much.
Speaking of Sam This is good.
The woman Coach has been seeing, Irene, has a daughter, Sue.
When they came in, Sam offered to pick up Sue so Coach would be with Irene.
But she turned him down flat.
The best thing is it's been bugging Sam.
Then tonight she did it again.
I hate to admit it, but I'm enjoying it.
You little devil.
My dearest, I will bid you good night.
By the way I really don't have any clothes on.
This phone booth is freezing.
Good night, Frasier, darling.
Sweet dreams.
Good Lord, aren't all the eight-year-olds in bed by now? Good, some late news.
Let's see what's on the old tube here.
I watched some news over the weekend.
That's good enough, I guess.
Great! I love this one! They're doctors! Found something else of yours lying around my place.
- Remember this? - Good Lord.
- For wearing or signalling aircraft? - This is your teddy, isn't it? I don't know which of your mindless bimbi left that in your apartment.
If she paid money for it, she should be seen to and chemically altered.
- You don't like the colour? - What made you think that was mine? You're the only person I know that shops at those fancy French places.
The House of Ooh La La.
Get it away from me.
It's horrendous.
This is lovely.
- Do you want it? - Me? I can't take this, Sam.
- Please, go ahead.
- God, thanks.
From the House of Ooh La La! - Evening, everybody.
- Norm! Tell us what you know, Norm.
God's in his heaven and something, something, something.
- How about a beer? - Yeah, that's it.
Your Florida tan is far deeper, far richer, than your ordinary run-of-the-mill tan.
I've got a patch over here.
I'll show you the distinction.
I see Cliff found somebody he hasn't bored to death with his Florida spiel yet.
Marco Polo didn't talk about his trip this much.
- You see how the rayon sock - Gee, it's seven o'clock! You wonder where the evening's gone.
- I'll remember where I was.
- So will I.
Nice guy.
- So, where's the Coach? - He's in the back working.
I understand Irene postponed the wedding again.
- What does that make? Three times.
- A Stoly rocks, Sam.
He hasn't seen much of her since she became Miss Moneybags.
Woman! They're only good for one thing.
And for you, not even that.
I'm kind of worried.
This doesn't seem to faze Coach.
He's going on like nothing happened.
- It's like he's got his head in the sand.
- Did my fiancée call, Sam? - No, Coach, not today.
- When she does, I'll be in the back.
Hey, Coach, wait a second here.
Let me have a little talk with you.
Everything's all right with you and Irene? Yeah, sure, never better.
I hear she changed the wedding date again.
What's the story? - It's just nerves, Sam.
It's only natural.
- But you've hardly seen her lately.
Well, she's been making all these wedding plans.
I'm not worried about it.
Coach, she moved and she didn't tell you where.
Well, I am a little worried about that, but with all the excitement, she probably forgot.
Coach, listen to me.
I'm going to tell you straight and you'd better listen to me.
Before you do, could I ask a very special favour of you? - What? - Would you please be my best man? Coach, sure.
I'd be proud to.
Thanks, Sam.
Now if I can just clear this with Irene.
- What does she care? - No, it's not Irene.
It's Sue.
If you showed up at the wedding, she said something about hiring a sniper.
She can't stop thinking about me.
Obviously, little Miss Sue has a bad case of Sammy-itis.
Sometimes known as the swine flu.
Sam, admit it.
The poor woman had a low threshold for overbearing bores.
I got an idea.
Maybe I could send her a relief map of my body.
Or you could send her a life-sized portrait of your brain.
I know a good miniaturist.
No, that's not sexy enough.
Hi, everyone.
Is Ernie here? I'd like to talk to him.
He'll be honoured you remember his name.
Carla, come on.
Stay out of this.
Somebody here to see you! - Is it Irene? - Yeah, it is.
I haven't seen you since proposing.
How are the wedding plans going? - That's what I want to talk about, Ernie.
- Did you want to move the date up? - Ernie, would you please sit down? - Sure, come on.
- Do you know where I was tonight? - Probably at home, wherever that is.
I went to the Governor's mansion for dinner.
Holy mackerel! I guess you didn't think I'd want to go.
The point is, since I won that money, I've been meeting new people.
Experiencing new things.
And there's a lot more I still want to do.
I'm talking about Paris, Monaco, London.
- I'd be perfectly happy with Six Flags.
- I know you would.
Ernie, this is really This is very hard for me.
I wouldn't want to hurt you for the world, but the plain truth is I'm not the same person I was three weeks ago.
That person loved you.
You're a good man, but I've been married to a good man.
I've never been obscenely wealthy.
Money changes people, Ernie.
It hasn't changed me.
I'm engaged to a very wealthy woman, but I'm still the same simple guy I always was.
Ernie, I don't think we're engaged any more.
I'm sorry.
I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
There's nothing to forgive.
This isn't you talking, it's the money.
You've got to get this out of your system and you'll come back to me.
- I wish I could make you understand.
- Look, we set a wedding date, right? That date is still set.
When that date comes, I'll be waiting for you.
Goodbye, Ernie.
Have a wonderful life.
You're crazy.
This isn't goodbye.
- Yes, it is.
- It isn't.
It is.
She's going to make one hell of a wife, ain't she? Isn't it romantic? Yeah, that's what I like.
A nice clean break.
Coach, pretty spiffy there.
What's the occasion? My wedding day.
Some cologne, please.
- You heard from Irene? - Not for a while.
But you're not supposed to see the bride before the ceremony.
No, but you're supposed to know whether or not she's in the country.
Sam, will you stop worrying about every little thing, like countries? - All right.
- This is a very happy day.
Folks Folks, I have an apology to make.
A lot of you can't be invited to the wedding because it's going to be a small private affair.
- Sorry some of you had to be left out.
- Like the bride.
That really hurts.
Then I haven't lived in vain.
Diane, I'm sorry, but you can't sing at the wedding like you offered to.
I understand.
Just standing there looking geeky will be entertainment enough.
Sam, I'm going to check on my honeymoon reservation.
The Coach is headed for Dump City.
He's got his pedal to the metal.
I still say there's something touching about it.
A man with that much hope and faith in a relationship is very rare.
So's the oxygen to your brain.
You're not helping him saying stuff like that.
We've got to get him to face reality.
Diane, you of all people should realise how painful it is to love somebody who doesn't love you back.
Yes, your sobbing, your whimpering, your moony-eyed sighs have not gone unnoticed.
You must have dreamt that about me.
So the dreams about me continue? Still have the one about the white horse? One end of it.
Sam, the day I met Frasier Crane, I stopped looking for Mr Right.
That would discourage me, too.
Why don't you two hit each other in the face or shut up? - We're trying to deal with the Coach.
- You're right.
But is it wrong for a man to believe the woman he loves will come back? Yes, when the chances that she will are none.
I'm sure if Irene knew how strongly the Coach still felt, she'd make an effort to talk to him and straighten him out.
We don't know how to get in touch with her.
But I know how to get in touch with her daughter, Miss Frost bottom.
I'll give her a message to pass on to her mother and she can keep a little of it for herself.
A message about how a couple of women that don't know the first thing about being decent to folks Hi, Babe, Sam Malone.
Busy tonight? For the rest of your life.
I thought that's what you'd say, but before you hang up on me here, this doesn't have anything to do with you.
It's about your mother and the way she's treated the Coach.
It stinks.
I don't want to say how enraged I am over the phone, so how about dinner tonight? I knew you would say that, but listen up.
I don't want to go to dinner.
I already ate.
So, how about a drink? I knew you would say that, too, but I got news.
I don't drink.
So who feels stupid now? You agree with me? You should be ashamed of your mother, Sue.
What's going on here? Corfu? Yeah, thanks.
I'm beginning to hate the women in that family.
What is it? Irene's engaged to another man, some hotshot foreign industrialist millionaire.
Said his name was Glods or something.
Stanislaw Glods? What a catch.
Anyway, she's living with him in Corfu, wherever the hell that is.
Corfu.
Poor man's Pensacola.
- Here he comes.
- Don't anybody say anything.
- Any calls? - No, Coach.
- You mean Irene didn't call? - I don't think Irene's going to call ever.
Sam, you're so young.
Hey, Coach, she's engaged to another man.
I just spoke to her daughter.
Some rich European guy.
Heavens to Betsy! I've been left at the altar! What shall I do? Coach, will you wake up and smell the coffee? - Take it easy, will you? - Coach, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to yell at you.
Forgive me.
It's OK, honey.
Up until a few moments ago, I, too, was a holdout for a happy ending.
But even this seemingly incontrovertible evidence hasn't shaken your faith a fig.
- How can you be so certain? - Right here, Diane.
The heart, who knows how it works? It's essentially an involuntary muscle, activated by electrical impulses Exactly! No one! It works by feelings, Diane.
All my feelings tell me that she'll be back.
You understand? She'll be back here before closing time.
Nothing's sadder than a man holding on to a dead dream.
Unless it's a blonde struggling to keep her hopes up.
No, I think it's a tall ex-baseball player who clings for How about the three of us go out and get something to eat, like old times? I thought I knew her.
I was so sure she'd come back today.
Maybe she had a family crisis, like her daughter fell off her broomstick.
How about a pizza? You love pizza.
No, I don't.
You can't crawl in bed with a pizza.
Well, maybe you could, but a pizza can't keep you warm.
Maybe it could, but you can't kiss a pizza.
Your lips would get Coach, we get the point.
- You know what really hurts the most? - What? I thought up to the last moment she'd call.
How could I have been so wrong? You wanted it to happen so badly you never thought it wouldn't.
No, Diane.
I never doubted it.
I thought we'd get together.
But I guess the money did change her.
I guess it did.
You want to know something? I'm wondering if we would have made that good a couple.
Come on, let's get some pizza.
Boy, life with her sure ain't boring.
Coach, don't answer that phone.
We both know that it's Irene, but why not teach her a lesson? No, Diane.
If she was thoughtful enough to call Look, honey, let me do the talking.
If I hear your voice, I may change my mind.
You're better off with the rich guy.
I realise that even if you don't.
Now, look, we had some good times, just take care of yourself.
I hope she understands.
Coach, wait a second here.
Did you actually hear her voice on the phone? I didn't have to, Sam.
It was her.
- So it's all over? - Well, it's all over for me.
I still feel sorry for her.
Poor kid.
It's her.
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