Frasier s03e07 Episode Script

Previously on Frasier What is going on? Oh, our beloved station manager decided we're not getting our raise this year! -You intractable despot! -Ass! -Shrew! you know, you were in the middle of a negotiation.
Maybe she laid that smackeroo on you just to rattle your brain.
we have got to settle this strike! Alright.
Those people deserve a five percent raise.
-I'll give you three.
-Four! -Done.
-Frasier! -Damn, I didn't think you'd be here Well, I would've gone to my regular haunt but "The Pig 'N Swig" is closed for remodelling.
I'm sorry, Niles, it's just I'm meeting Kate here.
We want to discuss the little dilemma in which we find ourselves.
If you're talking about the little kiss you two shared that hardly constitutes a dilemma.
-It's not as if you plunged into a tawdry office affair.
-No.
-Then you'd have a real problem.
-Yes.
-A kiss? It's nothing.
-Right.
Had sex with her, didn't you? I didn't mean to! It just happened! One minute we were negotiating the next minute our inhibitions were shattered along with my kneecap and her Macintosh PowerBook.
-This happened in her office? -Yes.
-What are you saying? -Her couch folds out? -We used her desk.
-Her desk folds out?! -There she is! Look, look, just make an excuse and go, okay? -Alright, okay.
Ah, Miss Costas.
-Dr.
Crane.
Oh, look at the time! I, er, have a session with my multiple personality.
Well, not to worry.
If I'm late he can just talk amongst himself.
-So good morning.
-Good morning.
-How's your knee? -Ah.
Well er, it's better, thanks.
And and your laptop? I refer to your computer.
A little dented, but fine.
The computer.
Ah.
Anyway, what I wanted to tell you was that well, last night was one of the greatest nights of lovemaking I've had since -Roz! -Tell me she just walked in.
Well, hi! Guess you guys kissed and made up, huh? Well, in a manner of speaking, yes.
We were just discussing the step system in a new healthcare plans co-payment scheme and -well, it wouldn't interest you.
-Oh, the hell it wouldn't! You know they're too cheap to pay for a butt-lift? I sit on this thing all day long, that's work-related! Listen, I really have to go.
But I would like to discuss this matter at the first possible opportunity.
So would I.
I almost forgot.
I need you two to fill in the eight-to-ten slot tonight.
Floyd, the Happy Chef, is in rehab again.
Oh, great.
I was supposed to have dinner with a successful, handsome doctor! She thinks we're all as happy to work all night as she is.
Well, you're a psychiatrist, Frasier.
She's a cold, repressed workaholic who has no sex life whatsoever.
Can't you help her? I've tried, Roz.
Why do we bother having a service elevator? I just rode up nineteen floors with two sweaty moving men munching on chili-dogs which they proceeded to drip onto my suede shoes.
How will I ever get that stain out? Ah, yes.
Dog saliva! Nature's miracle solvent.
So who's moving out anyway? Deirdre Sauvage, the one who writes the romance novels.
Yeah, the lost Gabor sister's finally outta here.
Well, she's a very sweet person and I'm going to miss her.
Well, you're not the one she's always undressing with her eyes.
She lured me into her apartment one time, supposedly to fix a lamp.
Next thing I know, I got a drink in my hand and she's reading me a dirty poem about meadow walks.
Well, I must admit she's never done that to me.
Yeah well, if she does, don't fake a charley horse to get outta there.
She'll just try to rub it! Speaking of romance, Dr.
Crane when I washed your shirt this morning I couldn't help noticing lipstick in the oddest places.
I'll take it negotiations went well last night? -I'd rather not discuss it, thank you.
-Why, is there a problem? Things between me and Kate just went a little faster than I intended.
I'll say! There were also four buttons missing and teeth-marks in the shoulders! Thank you, Inspector Moon! Things got a little out of hand.
I think we should slow down a bit but er I'm afraid to tell her for fear of hurting her feelings.
Daphne, how about a woman's perspective? Let's just say, for argument's sake, that you and I succumbed to a a night of passion -What, you and me? -Yes What - bosoms heaving, shirt buttons catapulting through the air? It's a hypothetical question! -I'll say it is! -Oh, alright, somebody else! Alright? So, you have a, a mad tryst with this young man and then the next day he says that he thinks things are going too fast.
He'd like to slow down.
What would you say? I suppose I'd say, "Thanks for being honest.
You're probably right, we were moving too fast.
" "Not that it was too fast for you last night.
Ohh, no, we were right on schedule then, weren't we?" "But, now you've had your fun - though not too much, apparently and you want to be my friend.
Well you can just sod off, Trevor Mulgrew!!!" You know, I think I might have some buttons for this shirt You see, dad - the whole thing's a minefield.
Ah, you'll never learn, will you? Handling a woman's easy! You know, you kill me.
Mister Psychiatrist, you've always gotta make everything so complicated.
A woman comes on too strong, you just tell her to cool her engines! It's the easiest thing in the world.
-Oh, Deirdre! -I understand you're leaving us.
-Alas, yes! Oh, do come in! Thank you.
Ohhh hello, Martin! You've been so kind to me - I wanted to give you my new address.
Oh, great! I'd hate to lose touch! I also wanted to bring you a farewell gift.
My latest novel, "Foolish Escapade.
" It's the long-awaited sequel to "The Rose and the Rapier.
" -Swell! -I was er, thinking of you when I created the character of Lorenzo, the lovesick gondolier How 'bout that? Hah! Hey, where are my manners? Let me show you out! Oh, by the way, the lock on my suitcase is jammed.
I was er, hoping that you'd come and -tinker with it? -Oh gee, you know, I'd love to, Deirdre.
But I I promised Frasier I'd do something with him tonight.
Oh oh, dad, didn't I mention it? I'm filling in for The Happy Chef tonight -so, you're all hers! -Oh, marvelous! Goodnight, Lorenzo.
Hello, Polly.
-How can I help you? -Oh, I'm so glad I got through! I'm sitting here not knowing what to do.
I find myself lacking a certain spice.
Well Polly, if you want to shake up your routine, why don't you er try something new and dangerous? Er, skydiving, belly-dancing, perhaps? That ought to add some spice.
What are you talking about?! I'm making an apple tart and I'm out of cinnamon! I see.
Listeners for the fourth time this hour I am not The Happy Chef.
I am The Irritated Psychiatrist, Dr.
Frasier Crane! We'll be right back after the news.
And while we're on the subject of tarts I'm really sorry about that call.
No, it's alright, Roz.
Why don't you just run along for your date? I can handle the last ten minutes here.
-Are you sure? -Sure! I mean, I feel terrible leaving you here alone in the lurch.
We are a team, Frasier; you just say the word and I'll stay Hey, hold that elevator! Got a minute? Oh, yes.
Er, look, I, I'm glad you're still here.
Er, listen No-no-no, me first this time.
Okay.
I really think that we should slow things down.
Oh, I am so glad you said that! I wanted to say the same thing but I was I was afraid that you'd feel I was rejecting you! Oh, how sensitive.
And yet, at the same time, how full of yourself.
You are one tough nut, lady.
-Well, all this definitely shows we're doing the right thing.
-Agreed.
Frankly, now that we've got that settled -do you mind if I ask you a question about last night? -Yeah.
-What the hell was that?! -I have no idea! I ever since I've gotten here you have done nothing but irritate me like a persistent skin rash.
Yes, and you me! And, and, and last night was no different.
You just kept talking and talking and talking and I guess that mouth of yours just ticked me off so much I just had to have it! -The whole thing it's just, it's so primitive! -Yeah, yeah -animal! We were just functioning on instinct.
-It's fascinating, really.
Oh, oh, let's not dismiss the element of danger.
All those people outside that could have walked in any moment -and caught us.
-That crossed my mind For once, in my cautious, buttoned-down life I felt like a real bad boy.
I felt like a dirty girl.
-What did you just call yourself? -I said "dirty girl.
" You bad boy.
You dirty girl.
You bad boy! -Dirty girl! -Bad boy! -Dirty girl! How much time do we have left on the news? Three minutes.
But that's alright, I can play lots of extra commercials! In local news, Congressman Robert Gill was accused of accepting bribes from a waste treatment facility.
Asked to comment, the congressman said- Yes! Yes! I am a bad boy, aren't I you dirty girl! Come to your bad boy! Oh, yes Oh, no! -Is that the on-air light? -Stop talking.
-You must have hit the switch with your elbow while we were -Stop talking! -We'd better hurry up and get dressed while we still -Stop talking! Okay, Fabio I want two things.
One: you will never make another crack about my sex life.
I don't care if I start dating a lumber camp.
-Done.
-And two: who's Dirty Girl? -I can't tell you that.
-Oh, come on, Frasier! I swear, I won't tell a soul! Yes? Not yet, I'll call you back.
Doc -I got one thing to say to you -Go ahead, take your best shot.
I am so proud of you, man.
-Well, doesn't that just put the cherry on the parfait.
-Now come on you gotta tell me who's the mystery chick? Bulldog, haven't you already seen? I've told half a dozen reporters that I'm not going to name names.
Yeah, don't you see this right here? "'I Won't Fink,' Says Kinky Shrink.
" -Good afternoon, Dr Crane.
-Miss Costas.
Hey, hey, you're the boss - make him tell who his playmate was.
Bulldog, this is really none of your business.
Oh, but we got a pool going.
-So far, hot money's on Roz.
-What?! Oh, well, thank you but I think I have a little more self-respect than to have a quickie with a co-worker on the air! What kind of slut do they think I am? Dr.
Crane, could I have a word with you in private? Er, I-I'd love that, but I, I've got my show in two minutes.
Actually you don't.
-What? -I'm suspending you for a week.
-Bulldog, you're going on.
Roz, you'll have to produce.
-Alright! I must say, I find that a, a bit harsh -all things considered.
-Yes, I can see how you might feel that way.
But the station does have certain standards and it is my job to enforce them.
Now if you will excuse me, I have to meet with one of last night's sponsors.
The Wholesome Family Cookie Company.
Hey! Turn those lights out! -Why? -Deirdre hasn't finished moving yet.
If she sees the light in here, she'll know I'm home! You can see your living room from her bedroom.
-Her bedroom? -She had me cornered in there yesterday.
I don't mind telling you, I haven't been that scared since Korea.
Don't worry, dad.
Look, I have no intention of letting anyone in here tonight.
There's a damn tabloid news crew down in the lobby.
I had to go in the back way and use the service elevator.
Say, I tuned in to your show tonight.
Why weren't you on it? -If you must know, I've been suspended for a week.
-Oh, no.
I spent the last three hours at the observation deck of the Space Needle.
Looking down on a city that's looking down on me.
-Hello, Dr Crane.
-Daphne.
I'm not here.
Yes.
Your father's not here either.
It's so nice having the whole house to myself.
-Daphne.
-Oh, how lovely.
Now the whole family's not here.
I listened to your programme as I was driving home last night.
Here's a bill to replace the front wheel of my Mercedes and the second to replace the back bumper.
.
of some wretched little domestic car.
-Go easy on your brother, Niles - he's had a rough day.
-You're right, dad.
Er, Frasier, please accept my apologies.
I, I can imagine how trying this must have been for you.
Thanks, Niles.
'Course, it's been no picnic for those of us who share your name.
My Maris took it particularly hard.
When I left this morning she was ordering new stationery with an accent aigu over the "e" in our name.
Hereafter, her memos will read, "From the desk of Maris Crané.
" -Who is it? -Kate Costas.
-Wait, wait! Alright, all of you.
You know nothing about last night! -Hello! -Hello.
-Come in! Hello, Kate.
Er, you know Niles, of course.
Er, this is my father, Martin and er, his healthcare worker.
Daphne, Kate Costas.
-Nice to meet you.
-I'm sorry if I'm coming at a bad time.
Oh no, no, I, I - we were just taking Eddie for a walk.
Eddie! I have to be running along too.
Oh, what's that on your chin? Have you been in the garbage again? You Bad Boy! So nice place.
-Whoa, what a view! -Yes.
I'll be enjoying it during my suspension.
Well I guess that concludes the small-talk portion of our evening.
-Look, it must be obvious; I've come here to apologise.
-Oh, really.
For what? Turning on me when I went out of my way to protect you? You know we're both responsible for this.
Yet I end up looking like an idiot and you look like a no-nonsense boss! Alright, alright, just tell me what I can do to make this right.
Nothing! There is nothing you can do there is nothing you can say, to make this up to me.
-The owners wanted you fired.
-That's pretty good! Look, there's no way we can rewrite the past.
It happened, we did it, it's on tape.
But we can do this: we can prevent it from ever happening again.
Agreed.
Obviously, there's some kind of incredible attraction between us.
The trick will be simply to avoid the opportunity.
We're strong we're intelligent -and we're alone in this apartment.
-I'll get my bag! -Yes Oh Kate, Kate, er, that news crew's probably still in the lobby.
Let me walk you to the service elevator and see you out.
-Going down? -No, you guys go ahead.
Just send it back up! Yes well, I'm sure if we really try we can keep things on a professional footing.
-We're two mature adults.
-Just have to avoid all undue temptation.
-What's going on? -I don't know.
Hello? You know, let's have a little light.
Hello? Hello? Can anybody hear me? -Yeah! What's going on? -Looks like you're stuck.
Same thing happened this morning.
Took about half an hour to fix.
-You two guys gonna be okay? -Yeah, yeah, we're fine.
We're adults.
We're mature adults! It's getting sort of hot in here, isn't it? Yeah.
It's a bit - it's a bit hot.
You don't mind if I take off my jacket, do you? Makes no difference to me.
Looks like we're gonna be here for a little while.
May as well try to make ourselves comfortable.
Maybe there are some chairs in here.
Ah, here we are! I'll just have to move this down along -What's that? -I must have knocked open a music box in here somewhere.
-I'm not really in the mood for music.
Could you stop that, please? Yes, yes, I'll try.
God, it's hot in here! -What's that smell? -I seem to have broken a bottle of something Musk oil! Oh, oh, where is that damn music box? Here it is! I really think that it would be a very good thing if you just did something about that musk oil Oh, I know, hand me that drop-cloth there and maybe I can just smother it.
Who lives in this building?! You know er, I think we can just forego the musk oil right now.
Why don't you just cover, cover that back up.
No no no no no, not gonna touch this thing again.
Look at me, I'm all dirty.
-Ooh, stop - stop - stop! -You're right! We have gazed into the gaping maw of temptation, and survived! My God, I'm, I'm, I'm proud of us! I am, too! God! Of course, the cable could break.
-And we'd be kicking ourselves all the way down -You are so right! -Goodnight, Dr Crane.
-Miss Costas.