Married with Children s03e07 Episode Script

You were great, Al.
Leave me alone.
Oh, come on, Al.
You know, I really, really believe that if you practiced once in a while, you could actually get good at sex.
And, honey, you don't have to hit your head.
It's the one part I enjoy, Peg.
It keeps my mind off what the rest of my body is going through.
Yeah, well, take it from me, it's not going through much.
Why did I ever agree to this Tuesday-night sex? SPORTSCASTER: And that's it for Monday night football.
[TV SHUTS OFF.]
It isn't Tuesday, Peg.
You've done a bad thing.
You must be punished.
Oh, Al, I just wanted it to be closer to your shower night.
[GRUMBLING.]
Pretty brazen when you're all satisfied, aren't you? Just because I scream does not mean I'm satisfied.
I was screaming because my hair was caught in your watch.
I didn't wake you, did I? You haven't yet.
Aw.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, I just had sex, Steve, what do you want? Look, I think I'm in trouble, Al.
I need help.
See, I was out walking alone.
I couldn't face being around people, so I came here.
Al, just let me start at the beginning, all right? I went to work today, feeling good, feeling spry.
The bank was crowded, so I sent a teller on a break.
I was on top of the world.
Then I found this on my desk.
"Tuna.
Three for $1.
49.
" Well, it happens.
Get on with the rest of your life, Steve.
Turn it over, Al.
"Minoxidil.
Hope for the hairless.
" What? You know what this is? This is the stuff they give guys who are going bald.
What? Going bald.
Now, why would somebody give me that to me? Well, I don't know.
Let me see your head.
Ah.
Wait-- Oh, you see something? My reflection.
Then it's true.
It's starting.
Well, that's like saying Bette Davis is just starting.
You mean, you saw this and didn't tell me? I saw it and didn't care.
You're awfully cavalier about this, you know.
Old Man Time's been doing a little mowing on your head too.
I know.
You know? You've seen my wife, my house, my kids.
I'm lucky my hands haven't fallen off.
How can you accept this? If all our hair falls off, our wives won't want us anymore.
Well, there you go! Look on the bright side.
I happen to love my wife, Al.
Oh, God.
What am I going to tell Marcie? What if she leaves me? Who will have me? Have you ever seen a bald guy flirt? It's pathetic.
Come on, Steve.
There's plenty of popular bald guys out there.
Name one.
Mussolini.
Khrushchev.
Lex Luthor.
You forgot the Elephant Man.
The Elephant Man.
Cool guys, one and all, Al.
God, how am I going to hide this from Marcie? She's bound to look at my head sooner or later.
Draw her attention away from it.
Paint a picture on your bald spot.
Learn to throw your voice.
Sure, joke if you will, but I love my hair.
Al, my mother saved the curls from my first haircut.
Where are they now that I need them? Well, I will tell you this: I'm gonna fight this with every follicle on my being.
If you bend over, you can signal the troops.
A sea breeze.
Oh, hello.
I see you're not fat and don't have an attitude, so you can't be looking for me, but how can I help you? We just came in to see if we could get some change.
So many places have a rule that you have to buy something.
Well, that's just for the homely.
Say, didn't you used to play football for the Bears? Me? Well, uh yeah.
I knew it.
You just have those rugged good looks of an athlete in his prime.
Yeah.
It never goes away, does it? You know, if it wasn't for this darned bum knee, I'd still be on those Wheaties boxes like you remember me.
But let me get you your change.
Damn this leg! You've seen that guy play football? No, I've just got a soft spot in my heart for guys who are losing their hair.
Would you ever sleep with a bald guy? Oh, God, no.
Ahem.
Here you go.
Thanks, handsome.
Yeah, right.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Mecca is that way, Al.
Hey, how you doing, Steve? Well, better than last night.
I just ran into two girls who thought I was a football player.
Anyhow, I came down to get some Minoxidil, but you need a prescription.
All I could get over the counter was this stuff, Dr.
Fur.
[WATCH BEEPS.]
Oh, time to feed and seed.
Ooh, I can feel it working.
Smells like dog food.
If I thought it would grow hair, I'd put your socks on my head.
You want some? No-ho-ho-ho.
Get away from me, Peg.
It's not Tuesday.
Al, honey, get up.
Something smells.
I think Buck threw up in the house, but I can't find it.
Oh, well, it'll turn up or it won't.
I wish you took that attitude on our sex nights.
Well, I'm gonna go finish my nap upstairs.
Get away from me.
Leave me alone.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
AL: Get off of me! Oh, hi, Marce.
Oh, Peggy.
I'm so worried about Steve.
He's acting very strangely.
Last night we had sex, and he wore a sombrero.
Ooh, the ribbed kind? On his head, Peggy.
It's a hat.
Oh.
Well, you've got to put your foot down.
If I didn't, Al would still be wearing the Walkman.
Well, that's not all.
Steve insists we turn the light off when we make love.
Well, that was one of the few rules Al and I both agreed to.
Peggy, I'm really worried.
Usually on Monday nights, Steve and I go to see an art film.
Instead, he took me to an Elmer Fudd retrospective and all Steve kept saying was, "Isn't he sexy?" You think he's having an affair? Oh, don't worry, Marce.
Strange behavior in men doesn't necessarily mean anything.
The smallest things upset them.
You know, their favorite team loses, the car doesn't start, you lose your cigarette in his pudding Well, I'm telling you, Steve has something on his mind.
So, what are you supposed to do about it? Care? [LAUGHS.]
Come on.
He's got a mother.
She broke him, let her fix him.
We have enough trouble keeping ourselves happy in a marriage.
Come on.
Let's go shopping and really give them something to worry about.
Come here.
Bring my Dr.
Fur back.
Bring the Dr.
Fur back here.
[DOGS BARKING.]
Damn dogs followed me home.
Al, I got some bad news.
Dr.
Fur has been recalled.
They determined it to be Aw, Steve! I paid 20 bucks for that stuff! So you got taken, butthisstuff is the real thing.
Insta Hair? You betcha.
You use this slime twice a day, and in two weeks, Sasquatch City.
Ah-ah-ah.
Not so fast, Al.
This may not work on you.
See, the doctor I got it from in the bar wouldn't sell it to me until he tested me first.
Sit down.
Did he happen to grab you and tell you to cough? Do you wanna know if you're an Insta Hair candidate or not? Ah, go ahead.
Give me the test.
Are you ready? Yeah.
Okay, here we go.
[SCREAMS.]
Good, good.
My head burned too.
Yeah, good.
Just stay there one second, Steve.
I got a little test for you! Al, Al! Don't you see? Where there's pain, there's life.
You should know that better than anyone.
Your follicles are alive.
Bottoms up, Al.
Uh Al, you're not supposed to drink it, it goes on your head.
What the hell did you say "bottoms up" for? Don't worry! Ah Don't worry.
Let me check something here.
Can you still see me? Yeah.
Then you're one of the 5 percent.
Splash some on your head.
[BOTH MOANING.]
I'm gonna part mine, Steve.
What are you gonna do with yours? I'm gonna grow mine wild like a lion's mane.
[LAUGHS.]
You know, if we don't grow hair, I'm gonna kill you.
If we don't grow hair, you won't have to.
I'll kill myself.
Hey, guys.
What you doing? We're growing hair, Bud.
They're growing hair, Kel.
Why? They're old.
Who looks at 'em anyway? Yeah, Dad.
I mean, look around you.
If hair got you all this, let it go.
Let them laugh, Al.
In 10 years, his head will be as barren as your lawn.
What do you mean? Well, Bud, hair's hereditary.
So is hair-loss.
So you mean, by the time his skin clears up, his hair will be falling out? Oh, Bud, my poor sexless, hairless brother.
I am so happy for you.
Dad! What did you have me for, a biological experiment? I mean, I was just getting used to being poor, and now this.
Now, easy, Bud.
Stress causes baldness.
Relax.
Who cares if you're bald? You can always make money selling flowers at airports.
I'll lend you one of my dresses.
Yeah, give me the one that says, "Put 'em here, boys.
" You know, it's gonna be so much fun at school tomorrow with all the kids running around, chanting, "Bud, Bud, head like a spud.
" Dad, what am I gonna do? I mean, am I gonna lose just a little like you, or am I gonna be like Mr.
Rhoades? Bud, sit down.
I hope that when you become a man, hair won't be important that a man won't be judged by what he looks like on the outside, but who he is on the inside.
But that's not gonna happen, so here you go.
Oh, hi, Kelly.
Sorry I didn't make you breakfast.
I was busy prying off the pillow that was stuck to Daddy's head.
He's not growing any hair, is he? No, but a few hundred came off with the pillow.
You know, it's amazing.
I mean, I saw pictures of Dad when he was young.
He stood upright.
He had hair.
Now look at him.
How's a woman to know? You can't, honey.
Basically, it's a crap shoot.
AL: Peg, did you throw out those hairs I had sitting on the counter? Sometimes, you come up craps.
Um, Bud.
Sit down.
I want to talk to you.
Look, Kel.
I don't think we have much to talk about.
I mean, after you painted my face on Dad's bowling ball and left it outside my door.
I was cruel, and I want to apologize.
See, you're not losing your hair.
Look.
Uhoops.
Dad! It's starting! Mom, you don't mind that I'm playing with Bud, do you? No.
That's why we had him.
Come on.
We'll talk about it on the way to the store.
I have to pick up some more Dr.
Fur for Buck.
It's the only thing he'll eat.
His coat looks nice too.
Oh, hi, Steve.
Ladies.
Is Al home? Yeah.
He's upstairs.
Gee, you look good in a hat, Steve.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Oh, hey, Steve.
Stupid hat.
Let me see your head.
It's a graveyard.
Me? A ghost town.
We have to face it, Steve.
This stuff isn't working.
Tastes good, but doesn't work, and we have to learn to live with it.
These are our heads.
Al, I can't bear this burden alone.
Listen.
I've heard there's help available for guys like us, but I need to borrow your shoe store.
For what? Hi.
I'm Murray, and I'm bald.
ALL: Hi, Murray.
Hi, guys.
We will now bring this meeting of Bald American Dudes to order.
Can we please bring in our newest brothers, brother Al and brother Steve.
I don't like this.
It's like the day I got married.
ALL: Hi, Steve.
Hi, Al.
Can I please have my blindfold back? Right now, I'd like to turn the meeting over to brother Lance.
[APPLAUSE.]
Hi.
I'm Lance.
And I'm bald.
No kidding.
I'd like to open this week's meeting on a sad note.
Brother Herbert went to Hawaii and forgot to pack his hat.
A hairy child put a reflector by his head as he dozed, and, well, it'll be a long time before he does his famous "head in the bowling ball cleaner" routine again.
[LAUGHING.]
So I'd like to bring up a motion that we send him the traditional arrangement of balloons with ears so he'll think of us.
All in favor? ALL: Bald.
Opposed? Hair.
Motion carries, Which brings me to our thought for tonight: Hair.
How can we stop it? Now, I admit that, at one time, man might have needed hair, like in prehistoric times when very large birds flew overhead and hats hadn't been invented, but times have changed.
The point is the bald are more evolved, more intelligent and more sophisticated.
So the next time a hairy child comes up and says, "Hey, let me rub your head for luck," you just tell that child, "That's not what your mother rubbed.
" Solet's share.
Who among us shall be first? Brother Steve.
I'm Steve, and I've been concealing my problem-- ALL: Say it.
Say it.
Say it.
[WHIMPERS.]
My baldness from my wife.
I was ashamed [SOBBING.]
But you have given me the strength to be proud of my hairline, no matter where it may wander across my head.
You're the greatest.
I love you guys.
[APPLAUSE.]
Good, brother Steve.
Tell her so she can realize, like thousands of other women have, that bald men are sexier, more virile, and aerodynamic.
Let's face it.
It doesn't get better than bald.
Remember a bald head says, "good in bed.
" [ALL HOOTING.]
All right.
All right.
Brother Al.
Have you been moved to share? Uh, sure, I'll share.
Let me share this little tidbit with you.
You guys are nuts.
"Attractive, virile, sexy Women want you.
" For what, to check their makeup? But you human flashlights have really helped me.
When I came here tonight, I thought I was bald, but looking at you guys, I've realized two things.
One, I really miss shooting pool And two, I'm not bald.
Steve's not bald.
You guys are bald.
Really bald.
Let me say one more thing.
If and when I ever do lose my hair, I still won't be sitting here with you, because I have something at home that doesn't care what I look like, accepts me for what I am, and is always there when I need it my couch.
[SIGHS.]
Steve? Al told me I'd find you here.
What's wrong? I was just sitting here trying to decide how to tell you something terrible.
What is it, Steve? I'm going bald.
And? That's it.
That's the news.
Honey, I've known that since the day you got down on your knees to propose.
Then you still think I'm attractive? Oh, Steve.
Of course I do.
Anybody would.
Well, somebody doesn't.
Look what somebody put on my desk.
I put that there.
Why? Because it was your turn to shop, and tuna, "three for $1.
49," is a great deal.
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