Rules of Engagement s03e07 Episode Script

That whole bag of pretzel nuggets with the peanut butter inside is gone.
Yeah.
I just bought it yesterday.
Did you want some? I guess not.
Worked out perfect.
I can't believe we're finally seeing this movie.
We're probably the last couple in Manhattan who hasn't seen Jeff.
What? Is it over? No, it's not over.
It hasn't even started.
You were asleep.
I wasn't sleeping.
I was just concentrating really hard.
Why'd you even rent the movie if you were too tired to watch it? Isn't it obvious? So that I could be part of this conversation.
Honey, I mean, come on, it's barely 9.
Hey, I was up at 6:30 this morning.
You slept till well past 7.
I was pretending, 'cause I know why you woke up at 6:30.
Well played.
And by the way, you used up all the hot water.
Well, I wouldn't have had to take such a long shower if you hadn't pretended to be asleep.
Well played.
It's fine.
If you're tired, just go to bed.
The only thing I'm tired of is you bugging me while I'm trying to watch this movie.
Now let's do this.
Fine.
* How many ways To say, "I love you"? * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * You're really only thinking of yourself.
I am not, I'm thinking of us.
I'm thinking of shooting myself because the suspense sure isn't killing me.
What's going on? It's private.
She went off the pill and now I have to use condoms.
When do we get to "private" on your word-of-the-day calendar? Now, you said you wear condoms, plural.
You know it's just one at a time, right? You do know that? Yes, yes, I know.
Thing is, it's just less fun.
Oh, boo-hoo.
I make sure I'm always prepared.
Oh, that's considerate to have slightly less of you actually touching her.
Yes, and I get the ribbed kind, for her pleasure.
Although I do wear them inside out.
Look, I've taken care of birth control since we met.
Since the night we met.
Yeah.
Way to make him work for it.
Well, hey, in her defense, she was totally wasted.
I was not! Um, being sober doesn't make you look any better in this story.
Hey, I have an idea for birth control.
I stop having sex with you.
Oh.
But would you still? No.
Yeah, but could I possibly? Nope.
Well, then that's a terrible idea.
Why is it always assumed that protection is the woman's responsibility? It's from the Bible.
Mm-hm, Corinthians.
Well, from now on if you want to know me, thou shalt sheath thy sword.
"Sword.
" Yeah.
Oh, hey-o.
Hey.
Hey Hey, guys.
Check out this photo I took last night of Old Man Jeff.
Audrey, it's not that funny.
Oh, look at you with your bifocals down at the end of your nose.
Snuggled under your afghan.
She put that stuff on me last night.
He kept falling asleep during a movie.
I did not.
Uh, right.
He kept falling asleep before a movie.
You look like my grandfather.
Hm-hm.
He's dead.
Uh, look, I don't care what my age is.
I haven't lost a step at home, work, or the battlefield.
The battlefield? Sadly, he's referring to his softball league.
Yeah, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you come to my next game, you can see for yourself.
Yeah, no thanks.
Last game I went to, the team put me in charge of beer distribution.
I was the "beverage bimbo.
" Hey, bevy bim's an important position.
I like that name.
Hey, Doreen.
How about I start calling you the bevy bim? Try it, see how it goes.
Die! Die, you idiot! We haven't started the game yet.
I know.
You're taking so long.
So, "Die! Die, you idiot!" Oh.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
What is that smell? What smell? Oh, dude.
I didn't.
Seriously, you don't smell that? I don't.
Huh.
You never smell anything.
What's wrong with you? What's wrong with her? Since she went off the pill her hormones are all out of whack.
She's snapping at everything.
You left dirty dishes, didn't you? No.
Then what's this? It's a dirty dish.
You're doing good.
You don't want to clean up? You don't want to wash dishes? You want to sit around and play video games with your moron little friend? There, now you never have to wash it again.
Okay, make a break for it.
You'll only lose the engagement ring and a little pride.
I don't know what to do, man.
Every little thing sets her off now.
Yeah, dude, that's scary.
I remember when I was a little kid and my dad wouldn't come home, so my mom would get mad and she'd start drinking vodka, and then she'd wear this see-through nightie so everyone could see through it Get in here right now! Cover yourself up, Mommy! All right! All right! Way to go! Way to go! Yeah, way to go! Way to go! Hey.
Audrey, this is Evan.
He's the new guy on the team.
Audrey Bingham? Wow.
The guys say you were, like, the best bevy bim ever.
Oh.
Well, thank you.
Oh, yeah.
She could haul beer like a Clydesdale.
Nice to meet you, ma'am.
A Clydesdale? What? It's a very regal animal.
Ah, why did I even come here? That's probably what Evan's thinking.
Poor kid sits on the bench 'cause he plays the same position as me.
Excuse me, have to go conduct a little batting clinic.
Oh! Ah! My back! Oh! Man, you look like you're in a lot of pain.
Should I call the bevy bim? Okay, babe.
You want me to get the heating pad again? No.
That thing burnt all the hair off my back.
Really? Maybe we should let it take a run at your ears.
Oh, sure, kick me while I'm down.
I'm just saying.
The other day I was looking and I was thinking, "How can he even hear?" Why are you so bummed? You've injured yourself before.
Yeah, diving for a ball, sliding hard.
Not sneezing.
Mm, sorry, it was a little funny.
Well, not to me.
I'm not ready to be a creaky old man yet.
What's next? I slip in the tub, I break my hip? Jeff, you're not old.
Do you want me to put down some of those rubber traction daisies in the tub? No! Okay.
I really think you're overreacting.
Sneezing, Audrey.
One sneeze, two guys had to help me off the field.
All right, at the risk of being burned at the stake as a heretic, isn't it just softball? No, it's not just softball.
It's a field of honor, where warriors face off against each other.
Well, I-it really looks like softball.
Look, Audrey, playing ball makes me feel like I'm in my prime.
And all these younger guys look up to me like I'm their hero.
Oh, sweetie, you're my hero.
Thanks.
I wish that helped in any way at all.
So anyway, that's how I learned you never mail a letter without a stamp.
At the beginning, I thought that story might be interesting.
But I was a lot younger then.
Do you guys hear that? Hear what? There's a sound that's driving me crazy.
Was it the sound of my beard growing during Adam's story? No, it's a disgusting, slurping, smacking noise.
It's making me wanna punch somebody.
Wait, are you chewing gum? I-I'm sorry.
I'm just too annoyed to be here.
I'm just gonna go home.
Yeah, honey, go home, just relax.
Stop telling me what to do.
Who would've thought that your stamp story would've been the most pleasant part of our meal? I know this is weird, but when she gets all nuts like this, I find it kind of hot.
That is weird.
Maybe because you were raised by filthy hippies.
Hey.
Maybe it's because everything was so "mellow" growing up that "crazy" is so unknown to you, gets you excited.
Could be.
Could be.
All I know is that I am hot for her, but she gets so mad, there's no way I can turn that into sex.
Or can you? So how do I do it? How do I parlay her anger towards me into sex with me? What have you tried so far? Well, apologizing.
Nah.
Some cowering.
Uh.
Oh, uh, a lot of hiding.
Oh, oh, and I've been running away a lot.
All right, I think I'm getting a snapshot of the situation.
How about this.
How about you try not being a little bitch.
That's interesting.
Yeah.
Stand your ground, you go right at her.
A complete 180.
Yes.
Because, when you back off, she cools down.
But if you want to bust out of Crazytown into Hornyville, you gotta keep her hot.
So you're saying if I get her mad enough, she'll have wild sex with me.
That or she'll kill you.
Oh, not mine.
No.
Hey.
Hey.
How are you? I'm good.
Good, good.
Well First off, I never got a chance to say this before, but Gesundheit.
Can I get you something to drink? Yeah, I'd love a water.
Sure, sure.
See if you can get him to throw that heating pad on his ears.
I heard that.
How? So, uh, this big playoff game coming up, huh? Yeah, we grabbed the last spot when we won Sunday.
After you went down, Evan filled in and really tore it up.
Oh, it's nice.
I'm glad the kid finally got a chance to play.
Here you go.
Oh, that was fast.
Like a Clydesdale.
Oh, Audrey, you'll enjoy this.
Some things the team thought Jeff could use.
Oh, how nice.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, denture cream, a large print book, prune juice, Matlock season two DVD.
Joke's on you, that was actually on his Christmas list.
Adult diapers.
Very funny.
Oh! And your new team jersey Gramps.
That's a good one.
Yeah.
The guys thought you'd get a kick out of this.
Yeah, they're a good bunch of douches.
You know what? Tell 'em I'll be back for the playoffs.
What? No, Jeff.
If you play, you could hurt yourself even worse.
Yeah, you might get the hiccups and snap your spine.
It's a big game.
What about the team? Look, no worries.
We'll have Evan fill in for you.
Evan.
Honey, you don't have to play just to prove something.
Give yourself time to heal.
I mean, not too much time, 'cause, you might not have that much time left.
Get out.
I'll see you, buddy.
Bye, Audrey.
Bye.
Oh, come on, they were just trying to cheer you up.
I'm not cheered up.
I don't need any of this old guy stuff.
Wow.
This is easier to read.
How do you like my tub, buddy? You feeling any better? Uh, same.
Ah.
Lucky I let you in there.
I have a general rule, "No dudes in the jacuzz.
" I feel special.
And I'm no doctor, but I could have you springing up and out of there in two seconds.
Yeah? How? By telling you what happened in there last night.
You are truly disgusting.
Yeah, I heard that last night.
Well, I'm starting to loosen up a little.
I heard that too.
Did I tell you this story? So you get to play in your little game, huh? Actually, no.
I'm gonna sit it out.
I don't know.
I may be done with it for good.
Why? Well, look at me.
Audrey's right.
She said I needed to slow down a little.
The team's got this new young kid, Evan, to take my place.
And you're gonna let him? What am I supposed to do? Fight.
That's what I'd do.
You don't even play sports.
Sure I do.
My sport just happens to be chasing young women.
And believe me, I've faced my share of Evans.
It's not a valid comparison, I'm injured.
Oh, please, while having sex with women half my age, I've pulled muscles, cramped up, chipped a tooth, even gotten a stress fracture or two.
Yeah.
Really? I hang with some strange women.
But I play through the pain, because I'm not gonna let some young punk come outdo me.
Evan's a good kid, he's not a punk.
They're all punks! Yeah, that's why you gotta play like a young man till they cart you away.
Maybe I should join a senior league, act my age a little.
Has acting your age ever been fun? No.
Has it ever led to great stories you can share with your buddies? No.
Has it ever gotten you into bed with a wannabe dancer who's one failed audition away from doing soft-core? No.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna fight.
You're gonna fight.
Gonna fight till the end.
That's right.
And I'll start by proving that I still rule the Central Park Sheep Meadow Athletic Field.
Number Three weekend B-league.
Yeah.
Oh, I thought you were wearing a bathing suit! Come on! Yuck, old man junk! Hey.
What's up? I was just at the, uh It's not your business.
Hey, want some of my burrito? Mm? Hot sauce and beans.
Smell it.
Oh.
Smell it.
Get that out of my face.
What are you doing? Okay, fine.
I guess I'll just throw it out.
Oh, no, what a mess.
Clean that up.
Eh, I'll get it later.
What do you mean "later"? Later, dude.
What the hell's the matter with you? Are you trying to piss me off? Why would I do that? I'm in no mood for this, Adam.
What are you in the mood for? I'm in the mood to strangle you! Oh, yeah, there she is.
There's my crazy lady.
Crazy? You think I've been acting crazy? You bet I do.
Super crazy.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Shh! What are you What are you doing? I have been acting crazy, haven't I? I'm so sorry.
No, no, honey.
Look at me.
Don't be sorry.
Don't be sorry, be crazy.
Be crazy.
Now, look Look at Look at the mess in the kitchen.
Look, there's roaches on it.
Oh.
No.
My emotions are totally out of control.
I'm just gonna go back on the stupid pill.
No, not yet.
I didn't break through to Hornyville.
What? Uh, well, Russell said You talked to Russell about this again? Wait, if I did, would that make you mad? Yes! Well, then yeah.
Yeah, I did.
I told him everything.
Oh, my God, you are such a jerk! Yes! I'm totally back in.
Honey Honey, hey, did you put on a couple pounds? Awesome.
Yes! All right, we just need two runs.
Greg's up, Evan's on deck.
I don't like this.
I don't like that Jeff might play, I don't like that somehow you're involved.
It's a guy thing, Audrey, step aside.
A guy thing? That is so lame.
Women are completely capable Bevy bim! Damn it.
I hate that the regular girl has mid-terms.
Ooh! Greg! All right Evan, you're up.
No, I'm going in.
Are you sure? It's pretty dusty out there.
Shut up.
Sit down, kid.
I got this.
All right! Jeff, come on! Oh, God, be careful.
Be careful! That's my boy.
All right! Come on, Jeff! Stop.
Go! Go! Go! Gramps! Gramps! Gramps! Gramps! Woo-hoo! You did it! Yeah! My man Ah! So trip to Hornyville didn't go so well, huh? No, she kind of kicked the crap out of me.
Yeah, there was no way that was gonna work.
Why'd you send me in there? Well, you've got your stamp story.
Now I've got my "my friend got beat up by his fiancée" story.
Okay, out.
The big dog's getting wet.
Uh, that's my robe, dude.
Yeah, you got something full length? That is full length.
All right.
I'm done.
Are you kidding? Does anyone wear a swim suit in there?