Everybody Hates Chris s03e08 Episode Script

CHRIS: By 1986 I'd been working at Doc's for three years.
Outside of getting robbed four times, sick on the pickles three times and a double hernia, it was the single greatest job I ever had.
And from time to time, a pretty girl might stroll in.
In exchange for all my hard work, I got paid three dollars an hour.
Good job, man.
Sixty dollars.
Cold hard cash.
I had the perfect job till I found out about minimum wage.
Basically, minimum wage is the only guarantee people get paid in money.
Your boss would pay you in Popsicle sticks if he could.
Great work.
A Popsicle stick? What do you take this thing for, man? I cannot work and live off no Popsicle sticks.
The least you can do is give me the damn Popsicle.
Minimum wage.
Shoot.
There was a time when the maximum wage for black folks was zero.
But now the government requires that you pay me $3.
35 an hour.
Well, work for the government.
Look, Chris, I like having you around and you do a good job.
But I just can't spare the money.
It's only 35 cents more an hour.
Thirty-five cent an hour.
That's $28 a month.
That's three cartons of milk a day, that's two boxes of Mike and Ike an hour.
That's no.
That's when I realized I'd found the one person cheaper than my father.
I thought about picketing, but I was afraid this would happen.
He won't pay! I won't stay! He won't pay, I won't stay! I thought about a sit-in, but I was afraid this would happen again.
( siren wailing ) ~ Wages ~ ( police yelling ) No justice, no peace! ( Chris continues yelling ) But I decided on an ultimatum.
Doc, listen, I come in on time, and I never leave early.
I work hard, so I deserve minimum wage.
And if you're not goNNA give me a raise, I'm gonna have to leave.
It's a matter of principles.
Is that an ultimatum? Well, is it? Yeah.
Nice working with you.
You'd really let me go? Where else are you gonna find somebody as reliable and trustworthy as I am that'll work for $60 a week? Sir, are you hiring? Well, am I? Are you? Depends.
You gonna pay me? Nope.
Then yes, 'cause I quit.
Maybe I should have gotten Al Sharpton involved.
( funky hip-hop theme playing ) ~ Oh, make it funky now ~ CHRIS: I tried to get minimum wage while my father tried to get minimum sleep.
Guess what? Vanessa asked me to be her hair model for the upcoming hair show.
By "Vanessa asked," she meant "I begged.
" Please, please, please, please let me be your hair model! Fine.
Pull yourself together.
Thank you! Hair show, huh? Yes.
Does it pay? Well, it pays $100, but I'm not doing it for the money.
You know, it's always been a dream of mine to be a hair model.
Julius, I could just see myself walking down that runway.
( cameras clicking ) ( '80s dance music playing ) ( audience cheering, whooping ) I said, "You better give me my money, fool.
" At dinner, Drew looked sadder than 69-cent shoes.
Hey, Drew.
What's wrong? Failed my history test.
Told you sleeping in a room with Chris would make you stupid.
Tonya, hush.
What happened, baby? I studied, but when I sat down, my mind went blank.
Your mind went blank? What kind of excuse is that? Did you eat breakfast? Yes.
Well, did you get a good night's sleep? Yes.
Well, boy, did you hit your head on a stupid rock on the way to school? No.
Well, I'm gonna help you study for that next test.
'Cause I didn't raise no dummies.
Bush's mom says that too.
How was work, Chris? Huh? How was work? Oh, oh, i-it was fine.
Good.
Tell Doc I said hi.
He's a good guy.
Yeah, he's great.
If I developed a drug problem, my next job might be president.
You quit? Yeah, now I have to find another job.
I can't tell my dad I quit my job.
He'll kill me.
I got a couple things circled to check out.
~ How happy you made me ~ ~ Oh, Mandy, well, you came-- ~ Greg? Greg! What? You're drooling.
~ But I sent you away ~ It's Mandy.
She's so hot.
~ You kissed me ~ She's all right.
Plus, you've been saying that for the past month.
Why don't you just go talk to her? I can't just go up to her and start talking.
Works for pimps.
Yeah, you can.
Okay, smarty-pants, Do-- Do I say "hi"? Do I say "hello"? Or maybe "hey"? Or even "hey, hi"? The possibilities are endless.
We haven't even gotten to what I'll be wearing.
I know what you'll be wearing.
A look of frozen terror.
~ And I need you ~ I wasn't getting paid, and Greg was afraid.
Oh.
Oh, girl, I'm so excited! So what styles do you have in mind? Well, let me tell you about my follicular extravaganza.
Girl, check out Vanessa's designs.
Ooh, my goodness! Who did these drawings? Girl, my cousin Dante.
He's taking an art class in prison.
They are so cute.
I could just picture myself in all of 'em.
My mother imagined herself in the Eiffel Tower the Helicopter and the Black Smacker.
Ooh! I've decided to go with the one that is the most difficult technique-wise.
Ah, ah.
The Tsunami.
Whoa.
You know what, I heard the last hairdresser who tried the Tsunami died.
No, actually, the hairdresser was fine.
It was the model that died.
What? Mm-hm, hairspray poison.
W-w-wait a minute, what's this one? Girl, that's the upside down cruise ship.
The Poseidon Adventure? We're not gonna do that one.
You know how hard it is to get made out of hair? It's a mess.
Wait a minute, I heard Jacquot LeBluke is competing.
This is a long, dramatic story about back-stabbing hairdressers that we've heard before.
So we're going to move on.
While my mother got a dye job, I went to get a job-job.
( bell chimes ) This was the first restaurant in Bed-Stuy without a bulletproof window.
There was the bulletproof fish place then the bulletproof salad bar and the bulletproof hot dog stand.
MAN: Yeah, man, can I get a number two, please? When can you start? Tomorrow after school.
You're hired.
The job pays minimum wage and all the rice you can eat.
I'll take it! Listen closely, and you'll learn how to say the "N" word in Chinese.
( speaking in Chinese ) Now focus, boy.
Hey, Mom.
Hey, Dad.
Chris, where you been? You were supposed to be back an hour ago.
I was out selling crack.
Not all my early attempts at comedy were a success.
Just kidding.
I was out looking for work.
Found a job working at Hoo's Hunan.
Hoo's on First? I like Woks on Second.
What happened to Doc's? He refused to pay me minimum wage, so I found a job that would.
Minimum wage.
I paid a man to let me work my first job.
You kids got it good.
It's about the principle, Dad, not the money.
I work hard, and if the man says I should get paid $3.
35 then he should pay me.
Good luck with that.
You get free Chinese food? Yeah, all the rice I want.
I like those principles.
Good, 'cause I ain't cooking till after the hair show.
The next day, I got $3.
35 worth of new job.
About as much as you look like Yoko Ono.
You're late.
No, I'm not.
It's 3:00.
It's 3:01.
Now, get to work.
No matter what I did, it seemed like I was supposed to be doing something else.
When I washed the floors Lionel Ritchie, set the tables.
When I set the tables Lionel, organize the fortune cookies.
When I organized the fortune cookies Five thirty.
Lionel Ritchie, go wash the dishes.
He wouldn't talk to the real Lionel Ritchie like that.
What? Keep on working.
I was lucky Mr.
Fong wasn't zoned to grow cotton.
( people speaking in Chinese ) What are you doing? Oh, I finished the dishes, so I decided to start my homework.
No homework.
You have work-work.
But Doc always let me start my homework.
Well, you are not at Doc's anymore.
Go fix the menu numbers.
I was getting minimum wage and having minimum fun.
My new job wasn't just making me tired of working, it was making me tired of Greg.
Hey, man, you look terrible.
I know.
I work more at Hoo's in a day than I do at Doc's in a month.
Hi, Mandy, how are you? There's Mandy.
I've decided to go with "hey.
" I can't figure out what I'm gonna do with my hair though.
Should I part it to the side or go straight back? Shave it off and start over.
Chris, wake up, I'm trying to tell you something.
What? I've been having a hard time with my Mandy situation.
This girl could be my future ex-wife, and I don't wanna mess it up.
Greg still isn't over his parent's divorce.
That's not a real problem.
You think you're having a hard time? You've got an obvious solution.
Let me help you.
Hey, Mandy.
Greg wants to talk to you.
Who's Greg? Him.
There, how's that? You're embarrassing me.
And when it comes to embarrassing myself in front of girls, I don't need any help.
I don't know.
I think she kind of liked him.
( coughing ) VANESSA: Ta-da! Well, what do you think? Fabulous! Now, remember, don't move it.
Don't touch it.
Don't stick anything in it.
Don't scratch it.
Don't move your eyebrows.
Don't shower.
Don't bathe.
Wash up.
And, most important of all, don't lie down.
Well, how am I supposed to sleep? You're not supposed to sleep.
You're a hair model.
Well, models sleep.
They don't eat.
Not hair models.
They eat, not sleep.
Everybody gather round! Look at me! Look at me! WOMAN: Ooh! While a team of people worked on my mother's hair, I did the work of a team.
He who sleeps at work wakes up with a foot in the ass.
I wasn't sleeping.
I was breathing.
Well, breathe while you work.
Mr.
Fong, can I ask you a question? All talk and no work makes Chris unemployed.
I embarrassed my friend Greg in front of a girl, and now he won't talk to me.
What should I do? Here.
"Get back to work.
" Now, hand out these delivery menus.
People found the idea of getting food delivered in Bed-Stuy unbelievable.
Delivery in Bed-Stuy.
Unbelievable.
Delivery? In this neighborhood? Man, you crazy.
I got kids over here I don't visit.
So how's it going out there, Chris? They're not working you too hard, are they? No.
I-it's great.
Mr.
Fong's cool.
So how's it going here? Good.
Good.
So, um, it's not too hard, you know, working over here by yourself? Hey, Chris.
James, what are you doing here? I work here.
You think I'm just walking around in an apron carrying boxes for nothing? JAMES: I'm trying to make some extra money.
Man, there must be something wrong with you.
This is a good job.
I'm sure glad you quit.
And tell Tonya I'm holding aside the bubble gum she likes.
You're going to be holding your teeth if you go near my sister.
You failed the test again? But we studied this, boy! What happened? I don't know.
My brain froze.
Well, you better thaw it out! My teacher says she wants a parent to come in.
Well, your father will go with you tomorrow.
Why can't you go? I can't go with this hair.
I don't want those people to think I'm some no-account hair model.
Here.
If Drew didn't get it together quick, he was going to be lost at sea.
Delivering in Bed-Stuy was an adventure.
( hip-hop theme playing ) Who is it? Hoo's.
Who's what? Hoo's delivery.
Who--- I don't know! Man, it's Chinese food! Oh.
Thank you.
Here.
( woman yelling indistinctly ) Chinese food.
Oh, don't worry, 'cause this your last supper! I saw you with her! Didn't you see him, baby? Everybody did! You must think I'm stupid or blind.
Maybe you think I'm stupid and blind.
How much is it, baby? Well, one thing I promise you, you ain't going to have to think much longer! He must think I'm crazy.
He must-- Baby? Baby, where you at? MAN: Come on.
Oh.
Oh, no, don't move.
Don't move.
( Chinese theme playing ) ( bell chimes ) Lionel Ritchie, you're back just in time for another delivery.
I'm not going back out there.
This neighborhood is too dangerous for deliveries.
You're basically sending me out with a sign saying, "Hey, I got money.
Please rob me.
" Plus, I almost got shot.
My nephew has been shot by the Chinese army seven times.
He should stop attacking China.
Here's your check.
Maybe it help you feel better.
$48.
29? Where's the rest of the money? Taxes.
The law says I have to take out withholding.
Welcome to America.
Now take this to Decatur Street.
Uh-uh.
You take it.
'Cause I quit.
And I don't look like Lionel Ritchie.
Yes, I do! Hey, Dad.
Hey, Chris.
How's the new job working out? I quit.
You quit? Quitting is for smoking and drinking.
You better have a good reason for quitting your job.
Mr.
Fong kept yelling at me, I almost got shot at, I got robbed, I'm getting sick of rice, and to top that all off, I'm getting paid way much less than I was before.
You know what, Chris? You quit Doc's for your principles.
He was a good boss, but you picked minimum wage over good working conditions.
Looks like you picked the wrong principle to stand on.
Yeah, I did.
What you going to do now? I'm going to go out and find a new job.
That's not it, Chris.
Look, you just can't quit every time you don't like something.
I mean, what if Miles Davis had quit the trumpet? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
What if George Washington Carver quit the peanut? What if B.
B.
King quit "Lucille"? What if Paul Robeson quit "Old Man River"? What if Bill Cosby quit Jell-O? What if Mr.
T quit pitying the fool? What if Stevie quit wondering? What if Fat Albert quit The Cosby Kids.
What if Ashford quit Simpson? What if Michael Jackson quit doing the moonwalk? What if Diana Ross quit The Supremes? Diana Ross did quit the Supremes.
You get my point.
Just go get a job.
Okay.
Later, my mother's Tsunami came crashing down in waves.
( mellow theme playing ) Hair today, gone tomorrow.
Oh, hey g-- Ah! The tsunami turned into Hurricane Rochelle.
What happened to my hair? What happened to my hair? All my work! What did you do? What did you do? What am I supposed to do with a head full of broken hair? What am I gonna do for the show? Oh, God, the show! Forget the show! Julius is never going to sleep with me again! Everybody's gonna think-- My mother's career as a hair model was over faster than Pacman Jones' career as a citizen.
( sobbing ) My father went to get to the bottom of Drew's problem, which was actually where the problem started.
Is that Ms.
Crabtree? DREW: Yup.
That's her.
My father took one look at Ms.
Crabtree, and knew exactly why Drew was failing.
Excuse me.
Can I help you? Hi, Drew.
Hi.
Is all of that really necessary? I'm sorry.
All of what? All of this.
I mean, the boy can't even concentrate.
Neither can you.
I'm sorry.
I still don't follow.
Excuse me.
Drew, what's eight times 12? I don't know.
How about now? Ninety-six.
Who wrote the Declaration of Independence? I don't know.
How about now? Thomas Jefferson.
Drew, what's your name? I don't know.
Look, if you are gonna be an educator, buy some uglier clothes.
Please.
Come on.
Drew's grades improved after he transferred to the class of Miss Murphy, a 90-year-old lady with a mustache.
Come on.
CRABTREE: Alrighty, class.
So, today, we're gonna learn about the Mexican-American War.
What do we know about the Mexican-American War? Anybody? We know we'd like to take you out for Mexican food.
Nobody? Hey, Greg.
I didn't know what to say to Greg, so I imagined what Doc would say.
Chris, you need to tell your friend you're sorry.
Why? He's the one with the problem.
All I did was try to help.
I got him talking to Mandy.
You got him to feel like an idiot.
He is an idiot.
All I got to do is say "hi.
" Look, Chris.
A man can't say "hi" or "good-bye" to a woman unless he's ready to do it on his own.
Now, you got him to talk to Mandy.
Now you got to get him to talk to you.
Hey, man, listen.
I'm sorry for embarrassing you in front of Mandy.
What the heck? It's not like I have other friends to hang out with.
So we're cool? Yeah.
We were friends, but we were far from cool.
I can't believe the Knicks lost that game last night.
Hey, Doc.
Hey.
Good to see you, Chris.
Just coming by to say I'm sorry.
Sorry for what? For quitting my job.
I mean, I didn't know how good I had it.
Chris, if I paid you minimum wage, you'd get taxed, and I'd get taxed.
I'd have to get unemployment insurance, workmen's compensation.
And there are child labor laws.
Look, the bottom line is, if I paid you minimum wage, I'd have to close up the store.
Years later, Doc closed the store and opened a Wal-Mart.
Oh.
Well, thanks.
See you.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, Chris.
If you want your job back, it's yours.
What about James? He quit.
Here you go, Doc.
You're working at Hoo's now? Yeah, man.
That's a good job.
I don't know why you quit.
He pays $67 a week cash.
No taxes.
Must be something wrong with you.
I'd like to kick him in the fortune cookies.
~ Everybody hates Chris ~ ( funky hip-hop theme playing )