Frasier s03e08 Episode Script

Anyway, Doc, I got this thing.
It's, uh, got to do with women.
Well, I sense you're having trouble finding Miss Right.
What, are you nuts? I meet Miss Right most every night! Eager young college girls, tough career women hungry for a little R-and-R, if you know what I'm saying Well, you're leaving precious little room for misinterpretation.
But I sense, despite these frequent dalliances, that you're still not truly happy.
Well, sure I am.
It's just that I lost a pinky ring in one of their houses.
Star sapphire, beautiful thing.
I figured if I went public with it on your show I had a pretty good chance of getting it back.
Well, Vinnie, it's obvious you know nothing about this show, or how to treat women.
But even more appalling, you know even less about jewelry! A pinkie no more needs a ring than a neck needs a gold medallion! - Just shoot me, why don't you? - I'd be delighted! We'll be right back after this.
Hi, Dr.
Crane.
- He's driving me crazy! - Well Roz, we can't all choose our admirers.
It's gone way beyond the admiring stage.
Have you seen this petition he's got going around? It's to the talented producers of Star Trek suggesting a new character.
"The all-powerful space vixen Rozalinda!" Four-breasted queen of the planet Rozniak! I'll sign that.
Well, Roz, television will never improve unless the viewers speak out! Thanks.
I'd better go.
- Well, live long and prosper! - Oh, just go! I am the joke of the station.
When I used to come in the morning the guard would say,"Morning, Roz".
Now it's "All hail, Rozalinda!" Roz, I think you should be flattered.
Noel's attempt to immortalize you is-is akin to a love poem written by Robert Browning to his wife.
Did he ever write a poem where he gave her two extra breasts? Well, I'd have to check my English Lit notes, but I think not, no.
Hello? Yes? Niles, Niles, slow down, I can hardly understand you! - What is it? - Maris is missing! What? No, I don't think you should drag the koi pond! Listen, I'll be right over! All right, just hang tight! - Roz, Roz, how much time left in the show? - No, you go, do whatever you have to do.
I'll handle things here.
- You're sure you can manage? - If I can nurse quadruplets and still find time to rule Rozniak, I can do anything! - All right, what's going on? - Yeah, Maris is really gone.
- I'm on the phone with the station right now.
- Apparently she just vanished.
No note, nothing.
- Oh, Frasier, thank God you're here.
- Any news, Dr.
Crane? No, no, I asked the neighbors if they'd seen any strange cars in the neighborhood.
One reported spotting something called a "minivan.
" But that was weeks ago! Well, there's no need to panic, Niles.
I'm sure she's all right.
Oh, dear me I don't want to alarm you Dr.
Crane but I'm getting a very strong vibration off this.
She's waving this poker around and screaming,"You thief! Get out! - You'll never get away with this! - Wait No, I remember.
That's what she said to the decorator when he tried to double-bill her for the andirons.
I was wondering why the intruder was wearing Toreador pants.
Yeah, Mike, I'm still here.
Yeah, that's right, she's been missing three days.
Uh,excuse me? She's been missing for three days and you're just panic-stricken now? I only just realized it.
The last two nights, I knocked on Maris's bedroom door to wish her goodnight and I was greeted with a chilly silence so, naturally I assumed everything was status quo.
Uh, thin.
Make that VERY thin.
Caucasian.
VERY Caucasian.
Oh God, what could be happening to her? Oh, wait, wait, you got something? O.
K.
, uh-huh, O.
K.
Mike ran a check on Maris's credit cards, there's been a whole bunch of charges in New York.
Oh, God.
She's been kidnapped.
Someone's using her credit cards.
Yeah, O.
K.
, slow down.
Armani Valentino Cartier Tiffany - Any restaurants? - Any restaurants? Not a one.
She's alive! - Oh, Niles! You're certain! - Oh, yes! From that list, she's recreating her infamous "Sakes alive, I'm thirty-five" shopping spree! O.
K.
, Mike, thanks a lot.
Yeah, I owe you.
Bye.
- Oh, Dr.
Crane, I'm so relieved.
- Oh, so am I.
I'm exhausted.
I was so scared.
Frasier? What's wrong? You look positively uncelebratory.
Aren't you glad Maris is O.
K.
? Of course I am.
It's just that well, here you are, all panic-stricken and scared to death, and she's off on some shopping trip! Don't you find that the least bit upsetting? Yes, I suppose her behavior was a tad inconsiderate.
- Well, she left without so much as a note or a phone call! - Frasier, stay out of this.
It's between Niles and his wife.
You know, I'm sorry, Dad, but this is not the first time we've experienced Maris's selfish behavior! She always puts her needs above his! She never attends family functions! Doesn't that make you angry? Well, over the years I've learned to accept Maris's eccentricities.
- Oh, she's not being eccentric.
She's being arrogant and selfish! - If he says he's not angry, he's not angry.
- And even if I were angry, what would you have me do? - Let it out! Well,I am letting it out! I'm getting hives! Well, that is a triumph of self-expression! why don't you just let out some of the words that you're dying to say? Oh God, I am so sick of you and your relentless psychobabble! A-ha! You're not angry at me! That was directed at Maris! Nope, that was for you! This is for Maris! Whoa! O.
K.
, all right, Niles, now you got it out of your system! Yes, but it felt so good! Let me do one more! All right, Niles, this is good, this is healthy! But you've got to channel it! You must talk to Maris! Oh no, wait! That's beautiful! Here, this one's hideous! - Hey, I gave him that for a wedding present! - Well, all right, here! Dios Mio! Oh, Marta! This feels wonderful! You must try it! I meant at your house.
- Oh my God, it's Maris! - Maris?! What?! - You said she was in New York! - Well, I don't know, she probably flew back! All right, all right, no one panic, there's an easy solution to this! Frasier, bash me on the head with this, we'll tell Maris there was a break-in! Niles, Niles, stop it! - God, you are the damaged party here, not Maris! - But-but-but-but the mess! This mess is the physical manifestation of years of repressed anger! It's time to draw a line in the sand and say,"I have had enough!" My God, man, show her your mess! You're right.
It's time I told Maris I will not tolerate this behavior.
I'm going up there and I'm going to demand an apology! Good for you! I always hated that dynasty.
- How're you feeling, Mr.
Crane? - I'm fine, I wish you'd quit asking me.
Well, it's a reasonable question for a man who just ate a cut of prime rib the size of a hatbox.
Well, whose fault's that? You're the one who was too embarrassed to walk out with a doggie bag.
For what it cost, that meat was coming with me, one way or another! Goodness, we've been gone three hours.
Probably have a dog with a full bladder in there.
Lord, let's hope so.
Hey, Daphne, how do you feel about taking him for a walk? I just want to get in there and unbuckle my pants since I wasn't allowed to at the restaurant! Oh, sure.
We all know how Eddie needs his exercise.
we wouldn't want all that fatty meat he eats clogging up his aging arteries until his poor old heart gives out.
Oh and, uh, why don't you pick up some half-and-half at the corner store too? Get moving, old man! - There y'are! - Niles? Sorry to startle you, I let myself in.
Want a beer? No.
I have to thank you for putting me in touch with my anger.
I had no idea how therapeutic it was to just pick something up and smash it! Well you're welcome, Niles.
But, um, how did things go with Maris? I marched into her room and demanded an explanation.
It seems that over lunch with her garden club, Maris heard that the new Couture lines had arrived in New York.
So she hied her way to the airport, and in her haste she forgot to leave me a note.
- Unbelievable! - Just thinking about it makes me furious! - Really? - Yes! So I told her, Maris, you were inconsiderate, and when you are ready to apologize, I can be reached at Frasier's! Then I stormed out and slammed the door.
Of course, it was that fourteenth-century Bavarian cathedral door, so I had to get two of the servants to help me slam it.
But what it lacked in spontaneity it made up for in resonance! Well, Niles, you know I'm not usually one to toot my own horn, but I think in this case I was on the mark.
- You feel good, don't you? - I feel great! - You feel empowered? - So empowered! - And you'd like to switch to wine now, wouldn't you? - Oh, please.
Hello? Oh, hello, Maris.
Yes, Niles is here.
Hello, Maris.
Mmm-Hmm.
Well, I know you're not used to me speaking to you that way.
That's rather the point, wouldn't you agree? Uh-huh.
I see.
Well, thank you.
I know this was a very difficult call for you to make.
Goodbye.
- It's no use.
She still won't talk to me.
- Oh, just give her time to cool off.
Call her again in the morning.
Geez, you must be exhausted, Niles.
Why don't you call it a day and get some rest,huh? - Do you have a blanket for me? - Oh now, Niles, you've been going through a rough time lately, you're not sleeping on any couch.
You can sleep in Frasier's bed.
- What? - You're sure it wouldn't be too much trouble? No trouble.
I wouldn't want to impose.
No, don't worry about it, you're family.
Thank you.
Well, that was very generous of you.
- Well, it's the least you can do after getting him kicked out of the house.
- Well, Dad, I was just trying to do what's right for him.
Well, trust me.
I handled domestic disputes for thirty years.
The first rule is, don't take sides.
- Well, it's just a little difficult when it happens to be your own brother.
- Well, that's the second rule.
When it's your own family, keep your nose out of their personal problems.
- This is starting to make some sense.
- Well, maybe you should listen to your old man once in a while.
- I mean, I'm not a psychiatrist or anything, I'm just a cop.
- But a darn good one.
- You're going to talk to Maris, aren't you? - I'll be back in an hour.
- Don't ignore me, Marta! - Go away! Let me in, I need to speak with Mrs.
Crane! Missy Crane say, no you Dr.
Crane, no other Dr.
Crane, and no Crane with a cane! - Well, at least tell her that I'm here! - She know.
Everybody know.
Maris? Maris, we need to talk! Oh, look, look, I know you're up there, I can see you through the shutters! All right, if you won't talk, listen! Niles didn't ask me to come here, I came because I care about both of you.
I realize that Niles spoke to you rather harshly today.
Truth be told, is it was I that urged him to express his anger.
As hard as it was for you to listen to such criticism, you're a fair-minded woman and you must concede that he had a right to be upset! Oh! Oh, Maris! By opening that window you're opening up a window to a long and happy marriage, that's good! All right, you're expressing your anger! That's good, too! But, listen, in spite of that last little outburst,I am not going to leave here until we've had some sort of a breakthrough! Well, I see our time is up, I'll let myself out! I know you're there.
After last night, frankly, I've had quite enough of your kind.
You can stare all you like.
I'm not going to give you anything to eat.
Oh, all right, here.
You might as well finish off this god-awful Shepherd's Pie that Daphne made.
Lord knows it isn't fit for humans.
Did that sound like "humans?" I said "Mormons.
" - You're not at your quickest first thing in the morning, are you? - Well, it was a rough night.
Well, maybe next time you'll listen to your old man and not come between a husband and his wife.
And here's Dad, all sleep-refreshed and bright-eyed, ready to resume his lecture! Oh look, your brother left us a note.
Dear Dad, Frasier, & Daphne: when you wake up this morning I'll be gone.
Thank you for all your help, but I don't want to be a burden any longer.
You don't think no, I'm sure this is all completely harmless.
Yeah, my gun's still locked upand the door to the balcony's closed And we all know that Daphne's Shepherd's Pie is still in the refrigerator.
Hi-ho, everyone! What are you all doing inside on such a beautiful, clear autumn day? Niles, you seem awfully chipper this morning.
Well, I woke up this morning and I had a realization.
Like it or not, my life is changing.
I'm single now, so I went out and rented a bachelor pad.
Ooh, is that coffee? - Don't you think that's jumping the gun a little bit? - Oh no, Dad.
Maris, uh, ordered me to get my stuff out of there by sundown, or else she'd turn it over to a church bazaar.
Oh, and I got these jeans! Right? Right? And I'm starting a goatee, and I'm thinking of joining a gym, but I don't know whether aerobics or weight training is the quickest route to "buff!" Any thoughts? One thought: seek help! Niles, you've just been through a very traumatic experience here and you are deep in denial here.
You are going through some very extreme emotions right now, and rather than feeling them, you're denying they even exist.
I'm not denying my feelings.
I'm so in tune with my emotions that I was able to move through them quickly.
In fact, I've logged them all in my journal.
Let's see, where are we? Here5 AM: Blissful confusion.
Something's happened, but what? oh, right! Wept uncontrollably.
Ate entire box of Frosted Flakes, they're gr-r-r-reat! So don't you tell me I'm not in touch with my emotions! It's not easy for me to say goodbye, especially after so many years all we've shared, all that we've meant to one another.
Jean-Pierre, Marie, Bernard, thank you for your years of devoted service.
As a personal favor, please look after Mrs.
Crane.
It'll be just you and her from now on.
Uh, the staff, they have a question: Can we come with you? Marta, I'm afraid this is a road I must walk alone.
- Must be very painful, isn't it? - Painful doesn't begin to describe it.
But they're strong, they'll get over it.
Oh, watch that, careful with those! Look at him, Dad.
My God, he's locked in denial! Oh, for God's sake.
First you get him to move out, then when he does he's not upset enough for you.
There's no pleasing you! Well, what would please me would be to see him actually experience some real emotion! My God, he's walking through this thing like a zombie! Well, that's everything.
Shall we? - You know, there's no hurry, Niles.
- Well, actually there is.
I have aerobics at five, and then I'm meeting with my decorator at six-thirty.
Off we go! Have I got my wallet? Yes.
Have I got my checkbook? Yes.
Have I lost my MIND?! I can't leave! This is my home! You're not taking me! - Niles, Niles, open the door! - Nope, nope, bye-bye! Thanks for coming, I'll tell Maris you sent your best! - Now, Niles, calm down.
- No, no, don't calm down! Let it out! This is very healing! - Don't you ever let up? - Look, everything's gonna be fine.
No, it isn't.
There's no life for me out there! You're just excited.
I don't want to be a bachelor.
I didn't like it the first time.
- Niles, look, just sit down for a second, O.
K.
? - Where, Frasier? Here, in the chair that Maris and I picked out on our honeymoon in Vienna? Or here, where I sit Sunday mornings playing Mahler while Maris dabs at her watercolors? Perhaps here, where we sipped champagne on our last anniversary.
Guess that really was our last anniversary.
- Oh, Niles - Dr.
Crane? - Yes, Marta? - Missy Crane give me message for you: if you say is all your fault, you no have to leave.
- I can stay? - She waiting upstairs.
Niles, before you make your decision, just make sure that you're remembering things the way they really were.
Yes, you bought that chair on your honeymoon in Vienna.
But remember, you wanted to buy the chair that you saw in Paris.
Yes, you sit at the piano every Sunday morning and play Mahler for Maris.
But you hate Mahler! Besides Maris, who doesn't?! Look, just give him a little air here Look, all I'm saying is that along with the good things in your marriage, there were problems things you said you couldn't live with anymore.
Now if you want those to change, you have got to stand up to her.
If you back down now, you will go through the rest of your life feeling weak and small because you never had the courage to say:I will not let you treat me like this, Lilith! Maris! Well, I've lost all credibility here.
Dad, would you please say something? - I wouldn't mind knowing what you think.
- It doesn't matter what I think.
.
What matters is what you think.
Now if you want to walk up those stairs, we'll support you.
If you want to go out that door, we'll support you there, too.
What are you, nuts?! You're gonna go up there and grovel to that woman after what she did to you?! Actually, I was just going to get my car keys.
But thanks for the impartial advice, Dad.