Mike & Molly s03e08 Episode Script

All right, come on.
Show me pregnant! Baby needs a new pair of parents! Ah, it's negative.
Rats! You sure you peed on it enough? Yeah, like I was putting out a forest fire.
Doesn't make any sense.
We've been going at it like rabbits.
We should have a whole yard full of bunnies by now.
Boy, you really did drench this thing.
Well, hey, you tell me to pee on something, I'm gonna pee on it.
Good news is, we can still keep doing the bunny hop.
Yeah, I guess.
Just seems like a whole lot of hard work for nothing.
You mean other than the loving and spiritual connection we've been having? Sure, sure.
Yeah.
Hey, uh, you know, we could always squeeze one in before I have to go to work.
As romantic as that sounds, I still have to take a shower, wash my hair and shave my legs.
Don't doll it up on my account.
I can power through, even if you're stinky and furry.
I know you meant that as a compliment.
And what's weird is I actually took it as one.
Shall we adjourn to the baby-making chamber? Yeah, let me grab my toothbrush so I can multitask.
Okay, but that comes out of your foreplay.
At this point, it is foreplay.
For the first time in my life I see love.
I can't believe she's not pregnant yet.
And I've been giving it everything I got.
This morning, I almost popped out an eye.
You did it last night and this morning? That's like pitching both sides of a doubleheader.
With nobody warming up in the bull pen.
Not like I can signal to bring in the lefty.
You might want to start icing your privates.
You can't afford an injury if you only got one man on your roster.
Yeah, I'm way ahead of you.
That's why I been holding my Slurpee between my legs all day.
So what's the verdict from the magic pregnancy pee stick? No cigar.
Mike's still the only one showing.
I'll get the fried oysters.
I'm starting to get a little worried, Carl.
I mean, what if I can't give Molly a baby? You got to stay positive.
It's gonna happen eventually.
Better happen soon.
I don't want to be one of those old dads showing up at a Little League game pulling an oxygen tank behind my Rascal.
Yeah, my grandma used to take her teeth out and clack it at the umpire if she didn't like a call.
Oh, that's embarrassing.
Yeah, but thanks to those choppers, I did lead the league in walks.
I know Molly's got her heart set on three kids, and I can't even give her one.
Let me ask you a question.
Are you taking proper care of your testicles? Well, I'm not rotating them every 5,000 miles, if that's what you're asking.
The testes are the delicate satchel that protects the precious spermatozoa, the seeds of life.
And oysters make wienie go "boing.
" All right, can we please stop talking about my junk? See, right there.
Calling it "junk.
" A derogatory term for your sacred lingam.
Lingam? That's what the Hindus call the male genitalia.
The Egyptians have over It's like the Eskimos with snow.
Still trying to get laid at the library, huh? Yeah, when someone says "Get the hell away from me" in a whisper, it doesn't feel as bad.
In order to increase the number of living sperm, you need to keep your testicles at the proper temperature.
Hey, you know what? I got a really nice thermos for Christmas last year.
Instead of soup, I could put my balls in there.
Well, you ain't doing them any favors by cramming them into those tightie whities, which are neither tight nor white.
If I bleach my underwear, the waistband loses its snap.
Ah, don't blame the bleach for what your belly does.
Carl, I'm not switching to boxers.
Everything scatters willy-nilly.
It's like trying to keep cats in a bucket.
Well, it's better than stuffing them into a bag and letting them boil to death in that tea kettle you call a crotch.
I'm not wearing boxers.
Well, if you really want to give those little fellas a fighting chance, you should go full commando.
That's even worse.
It's like having loose oranges in the backseat of your car.
Can't make a sharp turn without one of them hitting the door handle.
I'm just saying, you want your testes at the proper temperature for baby making, and that responsibility falls into your sweaty lap.
Well, I'm not going without underwear.
I feel naked when I leave home without my watch.
Yeah, I can't do that either.
I prefer an animal print thong.
Yeah, it keeps your kangaroo in your pouch and lets your butt cheeks breathe easy.
You're really a sick individual, you know that? Thought you said we were going to a library.
This is a sex shop.
They have books here.
Yeah, but they're all sealed in plastic and come three to a pack.
That's a sucker's game.
The middle one is always weird, and it's the one your grandma always finds.
Molly and I are trying to get pregnant, Carl, not get our freak on.
When's the last time you been in one of these places? This is not your father's porn shop.
They now offer a wide variety of marital aids, some of which can be used to promote fertility and pregnancy.
Really? So it's not just a room full of sleazy creeps playing tug-of-war with themselves? Not at all.
It's a place where healthy people go to enrich and enhance their relationships and sex lives.
All right, let's give it a shot.
Cops! Go! Cops! Go, go, go, go, go! Get out, get out, get out, get out! It's the cops! I'm out of here.
Cops! The cops! Hey, where's Mike at? He's been coming through that door every night at 6:00, straight up.
Sometimes it's 6:30, but it's always straight up.
He called, and he and Carl are going to the library, then he had some errands to run.
Bet you're just happy to be off your back with your legs closed.
Mom, stop! And yes I am.
Truthfully, it's a nice break for everybody.
Right? No offense, honey, but the walls are thin, and you're a bit of a backseat driver.
Mom! "Slow down, speed up.
There it is, there it is.
" Don't know whether you're having sex or giving directions to a cabbie.
Hey, I have a limited time frame, and I know the route better than he does.
Well, men will never ask for directions.
They'll drive around aimlessly before you have to tap them on the head and say, "I'll just walk from here.
" Oh, hey, everybody's home.
Hey, honey.
What's that? Nothing, just a Sex wedge.
Went with the ramp instead of the scoop, huh? I prefer the Shanghai Intruder.
Costs a little more, but it comes with a cup holder and a rearview mirror.
Meet me upstairs.
Well time to make the doughnuts.
We gonna have sex on this thing, or is Evil Knievel gonna jump us? Although it's advertised as an erotic device, it's also a practical pregnancy aid.
Really? Yeah, it tilts the uterus at an advantageous angle to allow sperm an easy slide to the egg.
Careful with that sexy talk, Casanova.
Oh, and Carl also said orgasm is good for blood flow, which increases the chances of fertilization.
You and Carl aren't gonna be on walkie-talkies through this whole thing, are you? No, he just asked me to text him when we're done.
Oh.
Best way is for you to lay down and me to slide it under your rump.
That's how Carl and I did it in the store.
Rise and shine, sweetie! Up and at them! What time is it? Oh.
It's time to drink our tea and make a pee-pee.
You pee on it.
I already did.
What? Just a little test to make sure they work.
It was negative, by the way.
There's no way I'm pregnant already from last night.
I know that, but maybe one of the ones from last night nudged a couple stragglers forward.
They're not shopping carts.
Please let me sleep.
Why sleep when we can take another ride on the rump ramp? Mike, you're starting to go a little overboard with this.
Hey, you're the one that always says if you want to get something done, you got to stay focused.
That's more about you cleaning the waffle maker when you're done with it.
Hey, you got to let that thing cool.
Let me cool.
I'm gonna go take a shower and get ready for work.
I suppose we could do it in the shower, but gravity's working against us.
My sperm aren't the Flying Wallendas.
I'm gonna go take a shower, alone and without your penis.
The Hindus call it a "lingam.
" They're considered sacred over there.
Quit going to the library with Carl.
Sit in a bar like a normal person! Once upon a time, there was an engineer Choo-Choo Charlie was his name, we hear.
Hey.
Morning, big guy.
Why aren't you upstairs trying to make Baby Huey? Don't start with me, Moranto.
And not that it's any of your business, but I'm taking the morning off.
Oh, I was wondering why I didn't see the ripples in my coffee.
I'm kidding.
Everything all right between you two? Yeah, it's just that getting pregnant is harder than I thought it would be.
Mother Nature is a fickle bitch.
Might I ask you a personal question? No.
In your youth, did you perhaps abuse yourself an inordinate amount? Can't I just eat my cereal? I'll take that as a yes.
My point is, your alpha squad might have been mowed down years ago on Centerfold Beach.
I wasn't a pervert.
I only did that a normal amount.
What? Like every night and a baker's dozen on the weekends? Not every weekend.
Sometimes, my mom made me go to church.
Let's not forget sick days when you stayed home from school.
Oh, geez.
Sick days were free-for-all.
Personal best was seven times, and that was with strep throat.
Mine was 11, and I had the mumps.
Eleven? And I was holding a ginger ale in my free hand.
You know, everything doesn't have to be a competition.
Okay, so let's just say a normal amount.
So if it's not your sperm count, perhaps your testosterone level is a tad low.
Get out of here.
I'm overflowing with testosterone.
I don't know about that.
The higher your testosterone, the less hair you got.
Really? Really.
Now, you have a luxurious head of hair.
I, on the other hand, am all man.
You know, I am thinning in the back.
Nothing about you is thinning in the back.
All right! I'm done talking about this.
Hey, it's not your fault.
Fertility clearly doesn't run in your family.
Probably why you're an only child.
Hey, don't talk bad about my family.
The reason I'm an only child is my parents were horrible people who hated each other.
There's nothing wrong with having a strong feminine side.
Might be easier to adopt if they think you're both lesbians.
I'll show you who's a lesbian.
I knew I could goad that big girl into making me a grandpa.
Once upon time there was an engineer Choo-Choo Charlie was his name, we hear.
All right, I don't care what you say.
I'm coming in and we're gonna make a baby.
You're about two minutes too late for your wife and about ten years too late for me.
Oh, man.
That is embarrassing.
Seeing your mother-in-law naked.
Horrible.
So, how'd she look for a woman her age? I didn't look.
She's my wife's mother.
Right, right, but just putting that all aside, I mean, she's still doable, right? Carl, this conversation is over.
I understand.
Hmm.
So was she rinsing off or soaping up? Sorry, I've got a naturally curious nature.
That's what makes me such a good cop.
That's what makes you such a weird freak.
Thin blue line, my friend.
Gentlemen.
Welcome to Andre's Big and Tall.
Are you here to take advantage of our Pre-Thanksgiving Suit Sale? Free alterations the day after.
That's great.
Absolutely.
"Too much pie? We don't bat an eye.
" And he knows all the angles.
Just a marketing genius.
Actually, cousin Andre, we're here because my friend is ready to make the leap from briefs to boxers.
Ah, are you looking for a functional cotton blend or a silk pair that makes a fashion statement? Just looking for something that keeps my pants from making direct contact with my ass.
Practical and durable.
I'll go find a few options.
By the way, fresh made kettle corn right over there.
Ooh, kettle corn.
The man knows his clientele.
What if this doesn't work, Carl? Maybe I'm walking around with a scrotum full of duds.
Look, there's a lot of options out there.
There's in vitro; There's artificial insemination.
Oh, I don't know, putting some stranger's sperm inside my wife? She won't even rent bowling shoes.
Doesn't have to be a complete stranger.
Could be a very close friend who would only ask for visitation rights on holidays and every other weekend.
That's very generous, but it's never gonna happen.
Just think about it.
A little mocha combination of me and Molly.
You know it's gonna be cute.
Can we go back to talking about her mom in the shower? All right.
All right, my free and easy friend, I found several options in a cornucopia of styles and patterns.
All right.
I got to try to wrap my head around boxer shorts.
I just sell them; Whatever you do with them after you leave the store is none of my business.
All right, now I have paisley, polka dot, hot peppers, and choo-choos.
Oh, I love the choo-choos! Man, some of those trains look actual size.
Finish what you're doing and meet me upstairs.
I got a bag full of baby-making ingredients.
I got boxer shorts to regulate my testes temperature and keep my sperm motile, I got Chinese herbs and a CD of dolphins mating to set the mood.
Can't wait.
Also, Samuel gave me an African fertility necklace made from dried rhino penis.
You need anything else, like maybe a live bat or some chicken blood? Let's see if the dry rhino penis works before we start doing anything crazy.
Pee-ew! Something smells like dried rhino penis.
Don't forget the wedge! How could I forget the wedge?! What's the matter? Nothing.
Other than the fact that I can't turn my back without Mike humping me like a Chihuahua.
Just blast him with a squirt gun until he rolls over onto his back.
Water's not gonna slow him down.
He wanted to climb in the shower with me this morning.
I'm not trying to stir things up, but I think he tried the same thing with Mom.
I think it's cute that he's so excited about having a baby.
I know, I just wish he would relax a little.
Well, guys get pretty focused when they have a project.
Especially when their project involves their penis.
It's I miss the good old days when our sex wasn't scheduled and I wasn't propped up on a ramp.
He'll calm down eventually.
He's just trying to give you a baby.
I know.
I wish I had a guy like that to share my life with.
Completely devoted and ready to start a family.
Thought you loved your freedom.
I mean, dating all the different guys you want.
Sweetie, I'm just trying to find someone who loves me just as much as Mike loves you.
I know he loves me.
I just miss the romance.
Well, what could be more romantic than a man trying to give you what he knows you want? Yeah.
Thank you.
Well, I got to get back out there because the guys with jobs go home pretty early.
Hey, ask for a picture I.
D.
, and check for wedding ring tan lines.
Always do.
Molly? Oh, what is burning? Uh, I hope it's incense.
I found it in your sister's room.
But if I start to giggle and try to order a pizza, blow it out.
All right, sit down for a second.
We need to talk.
I-I love that you're so gung-ho about having a baby.
Well, I know it's taking a little longer than you probably wanted, but don't worry.
I will knock you up or die trying.
Okay, that right there is-is kind of what I wanted to address.
You know I love you, right? Yeah, yeah.
I wouldn't be busting my hump like this for someone who didn't love me.
I-I'm gonna love you, no matter what happens.
I mean, if we make a baby, if we don't make a baby.
We're gonna make a baby.
I know but I don't want us to lose sight of what we already have, which is wonderful, whether we have a baby or not.
We're having a baby.
I know we are! I just I want our baby to be a labor of love and not like we're putting together an Adirondack chair.
Going a little overboard, huh? Is it the underpants or the fertility necklace? The rhino penis necklace freaks me out, yeah.
But the underpants are pretty sexy.
Yeah, you like them? I got them in chili pepper, too.
Ooh, spicy.
That smells really terrible.
Well, it is dried rhino penis.
Yeah.
Pretty sure a fresh one doesn't smell any better.
Oh, negative.
Hey, no big deal; It'll happen when it happens.
The important thing is we're having fun trying.
Exactly.
Not about the results, it's about the process.
Which, in my opinion, has been sweet, sexy goodness, big mama.
Aw.
Oh.
What is going on back there? Are you not wearing underwear? I am not.
Taking a little break, letting my fellas breathe free and easy.
You're going full cowboy.
Oh, yeah, it's the Wild West.
No law, no order, just a whole bunch of talcum powder.
By the way, we're out of talcum powder.
Yee-haw.
Oh!