Rules of Engagement s03e08 Episode Script

I'll have the chocolate chip pancakes.
Extra butter.
Meat lover's scramble.
Side o' bacon.
Wow.
Is it a race to see who's heart explodes first? It is now.
Nothing for me.
That's a good call.
You were looking at bronze anyway.
I have to go to the office early so I can do a bunch of stuff for freakin' Deirdre.
Who's freakin' Deirdre? This woman I work with.
She's pregnant and totally annoying.
It is annoying when people create other people.
No, she was always annoying.
But now it's all: "Oh, I'm pregnant.
"I've never felt like such a woman.
Who wants to guess if it's a boy or girl?" Girl, I guess girl.
The worst part is, our boss Laura is just falling all over herself to make Deirdre's life easy.
Including having me do all of her work.
And I'm sure it doesn't help that you and Jeff have been trying for a while.
Pretty casually, though.
I mean, whatever.
If it happens, great.
But we don't wanna put any pressure on ourselves.
Except for the pressure of you on me.
Come on.
Where's that handsome dummy of yours? He would have liked that.
Adam's at the bus station.
Why? Does he like it when the wheels on the bus go round and round? Well, he's picking up our latest house guest.
You guys have a lot of those.
Yeah, thanks to Adam's hippie parents.
They travel the country and meet these interesting people and then tell them to look us up if they're ever in New York.
Well, if they're from some place really cool you guys can go on a great vacation and stay for free.
And here they are.
Oh, please be from Maui.
Please be from Maui.
Hey, everybody.
This is Toby.
Hey, Toby.
Hi.
Hey, Toby.
Where you from? Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
Great.
Toby's Amish.
Jackpot.
* How many ways To say, "I love you?" * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * I swear, every day it's another miracle inside me.
Today's natal nuggets: He can now hear me because he's got little ears.
And hopefully little fingers to stick in them.
So where do you all wanna go to lunch today? Oh, how about that new Japanese place? It's supposed to be great.
Oh.
I can't do sushi.
You know Got it.
See, the, uh, mercury and the potential parasites could be harmful to the little one.
Oh, a bonus natal nugget.
Oh.
Guys, I would love to keep looking at layouts with you, but I am spent.
I tell you, being a vessel for a life is exhausting.
Hmm, it must be.
It is exhausting just hearing about it.
Sweetie, you should go put your feet up.
Audrey can finish your work.
Right, Audrey? Yeah.
I'd be happy to.
Audrey, you should let her use your office.
You've got the couch.
Oh, Come on.
She is not the only woman in the world who's having a baby.
What do you mean? I mean there are other You Never mind.
No, what? I'm just saying, some women go about their day without making such a big deal that they're pregnant.
Oh, my God! Audrey, are you pregnant? What? Audrey's pregnant? Oh, my God, why didn't you tell us? No, no, I'm not This is so exciting.
Audrey, you have to take it easy.
Sit down.
No, really, I If I'd known you were pregnant, I never would have given you Deirdre's work.
Huh? Never what? You just sit down.
Here, Tracy can finish all this.
Oh, no, guys.
Okay.
As a gift of appreciation for opening your home to me this week, I'd like to give you this.
Oh.
Well, thanks, Toby.
Look, Jen, we have this now.
It's a hand carved Pennsylvania Spotted Sparrow.
This is a poor use of my lunch hour.
Why all the birds, Toby? I hope to sell them to pay for my Rumspringa.
Rumspringa? I wish I spoke Amish.
Rumspringa is when a young Amish person leaves home to experience modern life.
Even after seeing how the rest of us live, Lord knows why.
But the Lord does know why.
Home is where the heart is.
Your heart's never been in a truly filthy strip club.
Well, Toby, I gotta get back to work, but Jennifer's gonna show you around this afternoon.
That's right, Toby, because rock smashes scissors.
So where are you guys gonna go? I don't know.
A museum? Mm.
Snoring.
Maybe Central Park.
Oh, an open field.
I bet he's never seen that before.
Sucks for you, dude.
Worst Rumspringa ever.
If you think you can do better, why don't you show Toby around? Sorry, Witness, I roll solo.
Come on.
Nobody knows a young man's New York City better than you do.
Except maybe a young man.
I'll do the jokes, Dimpleton.
Ah, I have you know that a rolling with me for a few days would be the thrill of a lifetime for this kid.
Well, actually, farm life is very exciting.
Last year, Uncle Caleb lost his spectacles in the wheat field.
Oh, classic Uncle Caleb.
Come on, help me.
Well, I've been on a 20 year Rumspringa me self.
I guess it's time to give back.
All right, Quaker Oats, you're with me now.
Come on.
Here we go.
Oh, beer cold.
Chili hot.
Chair comfy.
And playoffs.
Wanna do it? Yeah.
That was a pleasant surprise.
I thought you'd like that.
Where are you going? To re-heat my chili.
You're right, it's probably still hot.
What are you doing, we cuddled last time.
Who said anything about cuddling? Really? Again? What do you say? I think I can rally.
Mm-hm.
Twice is gonna be enough though, right? Russell and Toby aren't back? Not yet.
Oh, I feel terrible.
My mom called to see how Toby's visit's going, and I had to lie to her.
You told her we didn't leave him in the custody of a perverted little troll? This isn't a joke.
I mean, Toby's our responsibility.
Okay, why don't you do us a favor.
And tell your parents to retire the VW bus and stop sending us America's rejects.
Oh, here they are.
Hey, how was your day? It was wonderful.
Mr.
Russell knows so many things.
Well, in fairness, I didn't build the elevator but I do know how to make her go.
A-And then he took me to play video games.
And then out to lunch.
Guess whose heart now has seen the inside of a filthy strip club? One lady was so silly.
She sat upon my lap upside down.
I'm sorry about that, Toby.
Oh, I wasn't complaining.
Well, uh, tonight Adam and I thought we'd take you to the planetarium.
Yeah, it's really cool.
It's just like looking at the stars, except it's the ceiling.
Yeah.
That sounds fun.
Um, but Mr.
Russell had mentioned something about female oil wrestling.
Russell, I What? He's a sports fan.
All right, great.
Well, then I am gonna meet my girlfriends downtown for dinner.
See you.
What about the planetarium? We were supposed to get wasted.
Russell.
Adam.
Amish.
Hello.
So I just completed a command performance with the missus, who then demanded an encore.
Really? I'm not one to kiss and tell, but let's just say twice.
I don't understand.
What's going on? Uh, how do I put this? Ah, two times he banged upon Miss Audrey.
Oh! I say we use three shots of the living room, it's just so spectac Excuse me.
Oh, that's okay, you should be tired.
Your body's going through some big changes.
Hm? Yeah.
Well, yeah.
Sure is.
Audrey, easy.
Oh, it's all right.
He's a tough little guy.
Little guy? Does that mean it's a boy? Sure.
Do you guys have your name picked out? Um, you know we're somewhere between Jared and We're really leaning toward Jared.
Oh, w-we were thinking of Jared.
Mm.
I kind of said it first.
Oh, gosh.
Can my ankles be swollen already? Oh, I think I need to go put my feet up.
Oh, absolutely.
I got it from here.
We were also thinking of Steven.
Our middle name.
Hi, Laura.
Is Audrey around? Sure, I'll tell her you're here.
I'll tell her myself.
I wanna surprise her, take her to lunch.
That's so sweet of you.
Congratulations, by the way.
On what? You don't have to be coy.
Audrey told us the big news.
Not that she had to.
It was obvious, she was so exhausted this morning.
She told you? Wow.
I I didn't know she was going wide with this information.
Well, when something like this happens, you just have to tell somebody.
Mm-hm.
I couldn't agree more.
I like to tell everybody but Audrey's usually a little more private about this.
Oh, well, we dragged all the details out of her.
Um, including the name.
Well, uh, boy, I I didn't know women were so interested in this kind of stuff.
Are you kidding? Sometimes it's all we think about.
You know, it's pretty much all I think about too.
There he is, you did it.
You're the man.
Surprise.
Hey, what are you doing here? Taking you to lunch.
You told everyone we had sex two times last night? What? They're all congratulating me.
I am a rock star out there.
Yes.
Yes.
They are congratulating you because we had sex twice last night.
Mm.
Sorry, I just couldn't keep it to myself.
Because it was that good.
Because it was that good.
Uh, y-you told them the name? What? Little Jeff.
Yeah, I must have let that slip.
Listen, I just heard the news, and I know this is personal, but my husband and I have been trying.
How long did it take you guys? Counting the time in between? Uh, l-let's go.
You have him call me.
Turkey burger for you.
And here's your cheeseburger.
I made it a double because I know how you like everything twice.
You are not wrong.
Did you have to tell everybody? You told everybody at work.
Besides, I didn't tell her.
It just came up in conversation.
That came up in conversation? She said she put in a double shift last night.
How do I not say my thing? Ah, El Doble.
That one's a little harder to explain.
Ugh, hey, guys.
Audrey, I just got a message from Laura at your work.
Something about a shower for you? Y-Yeah, that Its Funny story.
I once went to work straight from the gym without showering.
Ha! It was a bit of an issue.
I remember that day.
Yeah, I think I remember that day too.
Well, it's under control, now, so Um, hey, where's that little farmer friend of yours? I feel kind of bad.
We pawned him off on Russell again.
He wanted to go.
You know, and it's not that big of a deal.
He's only gone out with him twice.
Twice.
Like the number of times Audrey and I did it last night.
Jeff! What? She brought it up.
Oh, boy.
Mm.
Russell.
Amish Russell.
Mr.
Russell helped me to pick out some more modern garb.
Modern? It looks more like 1970's porno wardrobe.
You're right.
It is.
He knows what porno is? Grumpy.
Somebody only got it once today.
Hey, listen.
Check this out.
Tonight I'm gonna take my man Toby and we're gonna hit-eth a secret party downtown.
I am told it will not be on the chain.
How do you not love this kid? You should hear him swear, it's hysterical.
Well, Jen and I are responsible for him, so just make sure he's still Amish when you're done.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
You should be thanking me.
If it wasn't for me, he'd be spending his Rumspringa on your couch whittling his wood.
I'm not even kidding he would literally be whittling his wood.
So you lied to your husband, your co-workers, and your boss.
That's one way to put it.
And your plan is to keep having sex, hoping to get pregnant so that no one knows that you lied.
Crazier things have happened.
I'm not sure they have.
It was my only shot.
All right? Because I am screwed if I don't have something in here by the 15th of next month.
Why then? I promised sonogram pictures of Jared.
You named him Jared? I wasn't gonna let Deirdre have it.
You're not actually having a baby.
Look, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
Took some work, but I managed to get through the whole day without finding out who won that playoff game last night.
Wanna have sex? Yes, I do.
Don't mention the game.
Oh, there goes our foreplay.
Hold that thought.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, wow.
Ha-ha.
Don't mind that.
That's for me.
I'll just get rid of that.
What were all those balloons? What balloons? I didn't see any balloons.
It's from your work.
What's, uh, with the bird on this card? Is this a stork? That's a bird.
That's just a regular, "Congratulations on all your sex" bird.
Audrey, are you pregnant? No, I'm not.
But, uh, everyone at work kind of thinks I am.
Well, I told you to stop hitting those muffins so hard.
No.
It was a misunderstanding, and I didn't correct it and And now I get to take naps in the afternoon.
Oh, so you're not pregnant.
You're insane.
Look, I know it was a stupid thing to do.
I'm sorry I dragged you into it.
I can't believe this.
That's why everyone at your office was so happy for me.
Jeff, I wasn't trying to trick you So nobody there knows we did it twice.
That's why you're upset? Yeah.
You really think I would tell everyone at my work that we had sex twice? The people at the diner were pretty fired up.
Yeah, we may have to find some place new to eat.
So I guess twice had nothing to do with me being that good.
No, you were good.
Yeah, once good.
Honey, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
I was just embarrassed.
Tomorrow I will tell everybody at work the truth.
That we did it twice? No, that I lied about being pregnant.
But th-that doesn't mean that we can't still do it.
Come on.
How about right now.
You're only offering because you feel guilty.
Jeff.
No, no, I'll take it.
I'm I just wanna go on record as saying it's because you feel guilty.
You know what? You are that good.
Ah, thanks.
But only once.
I almost died last night.
Oh, hey, hey, where's Toby? He didn't come home last night.
Oh, yeah.
He's sleeping it off at my house.
Oh, that party was bananas.
I put the spring in his Rumspringa.
Ooh, and the rum.
You let him drink? Well, those shots weren't gonna suck themselves out of the cheerleaders' belly buttons.
Oh, nice.
Yeah.
What, you have an outie.
You know, maybe this is my calling.
Maybe every Amish kid should hang out with me for a while and see what he's missing.
What if he doesn't wanna go back to his family and Amish lifestyle? You know, his parents are gonna call us and scream.
Duh, they don't have phones.
I mean, the worst we'll get is a quilt with a few angry panels.
Hey, there he is.
Two days with me, and he went from a-plowing a field to a-plowing a field.
I hear you had a crazy night last night.
Yeah, uh, I can't do belly shots with her, just spills everywhere.
I like the old school outfit, dude.
There better be a zipper on there, because we're going to Chinatown, there's a massage place toward There's no need, Mr.
Russell.
Your plan worked.
I'm going home.
Ah, yeah, my plan.
What plan was that? Your plan to teach me what's really important in life by showing me an existence so empty and devoid of meaning.
Yeah.
You figured that one out, did you? How could I not? I mean, obviously no one lives a life that shallow.
Obviously.
Thank you again for showing me the depths of depravity Yeah, yeah.
No, no, we got it.
All right, so you gotta get running.
So you gotta scram.
He's gotta hayride, I think so Come on, Toby.
We'll take you to the bus station.
Okay.
Bye, Mr.
Russell.
Yeah.
Now that I'm leaving you can resume living your real life.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Can't wait to get back to that.
Hey, mama, how you feeling? Oh, good, you got the basket.
Uh, yeah, listen, guys.
I have to tell you something.
See, the The truth is, I should return that to you because, uh, I'm not pregnant.
See what happened was Oh, you don't have to say it.
And you know it's totally normal.
You just need to keep trying.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, see No, look.
Just take a couple of days off.
Okay? Oh, I don't Maybe that would be best.
Oh.
Oh, my God, your outfit is so cute.
Mm, I've never met an Amish guy before.
Yes, I am innocent to your big city ways, and I have only my Rumspringa to experience the carnal joys of modern life.
Wait, Rumspringa? Isn't that for, like, teenagers? Yes, it is.
Wow, you look much older than that.
Yes, it's a hard life on the farm.
Hey, can I get a vodka tonic, no ice? Thank you.
Tell me, thy belly button, wouldst they be an innie or outie?