The Golden Girls (1985) s03e08 Episode Script

Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidant And if you threw a party Invited everyone you knew You would see The biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say Thank you for being a friend [door closes.]
Hi, Blanche.
What's the matter? You know that attorney I've been dating? I caught him handling melons at the A&P.
And I take it they weren't yours? You missed my point, Dorothy.
He told me he was a lawyer.
Turns out he's a fruit waxer.
Why do men have to put up false pretenses? This from a woman who wears more padding on her chest than Johnny Bench.
Good morning.
I can't take time for breakfast, I'm late.
[chuckling.]
Rose, aren't you forgetting something? Oh.
Sorry, Mama.
Rose, it's me Dorothy.
Oh.
Did you not sleep again last night? No, and it's been three nights in a row.
Have you tried drinking warm milk before going to bed? No, I can't drink warm milk.
It reminds me of the time Cousin Enoch fell into the vat of milk at the dairy.
Goodness.
Was he hurt? Oh, no.
In fact, it began the annual tradition of the St.
Olaf milk diving tournament.
I won three times in the low fat division.
Eventually they discontinued the event when several spectators were caught dipping their Oreo cookies in their winter swim trunks.
[doorbell.]
[all.]
I'll get it.
Why don't you just take a sleeping pill? I don't like to take pills.
I get slap happy and say silly things.
Well, we certainly wouldn't want that to happen.
- Hi, it's me Stan.
- What do you want? I have a surprise for Dorothy.
What? Now that you're off the blood pressure medicine it's working again? My God, Sophia.
Is there anything Dorothy didn't tell you about us? Actually, yes.
I didn't know she was pregnant until four days after the wedding.
Hi, Sophia.
Remember me, Stan's brother Ted? I danced with you at their wedding.
Where were you when they divorced? I was looking for someone to dance with then.
Ted, what a surprise! It's great to see you again.
- What about me, babe? - Go hug a landmine.
Blanche, Rose, this is my little brother Ted.
Charmed I'm sure.
Oh, there's my new Vanity Fair.
He just flew in from Minneapolis.
Minneapolis, Minnesota? No, Rose, Minneapolis, France.
- Oh, I'm from Minnesota.
- I'm from Minnesota, too.
Then you just moved to France? Welcome to my life.
It's nice meeting you, Ted, but I have to go to work.
What do you do? She's Gary Hart's campaign manager.
It doesn't pay much but you don't have to get out of bed to do it.
Right, I'd better change.
So, Ted, what brings you to Miami? I'll grab any chance I can to spend time with the greatest guy in the world.
[chuckling.]
My kid brother still looks up to me.
As well he should.
After all, Ted is just a doctor and a pillar of his community.
While, on the other hand, you were the king of padded toilet seats.
Hey, they sold real well for a while.
Even put our daughter through college.
They got me through some tough times, too.
So, uh, Ted, did I hear someone say you were a doctor? He's not just a doctor.
He happens to be one of the top neurosurgeons in the midwest.
- Get out of here.
- He's also into real estate.
No, it's nothing much really.
I just own a few mini-malls.
Oh, your wife must be very proud of you.
Actually, we're divorced.
Oh, I'm terribly, terribly sorry.
Love your shirt.
Nice segueway, Blanche.
You know, I've never met a neurosurgeon before.
I would love to hear more about your work.
How about 8:00 tonight? That sounds good but I think Stan might have something planned.
I did have ringside seats at the mud wrestling palace but, hey, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Elegantly put, Stan.
Well, I guess we're on.
We better get going, Ted.
We want to get a parking space at the nude beach before those perverts show up.
- See you tonight, doctor.
- Uh-huh.
Well, that was pretty embarrassing.
I know, but what could I do? He just practically threw himself at me.
Well, goodnight, Blanche.
What's your hurry.
Come in for a nightcap.
- I don't want to put you out.
- I like to put out.
I mean, it's no trouble.
You know, being a doctor it must be deeply fulfilling to be able to lay your hands on someone and bring them back to full, pulsating vitality.
I've always believed that the body cures itself.
We doctors just help it along.
Actually, I'm starting to feel a little hot.
What do you suppose could be causing that? Have you checked your thermostat? Why don't you check it for me.
Okay, where is it? You spent nine years in med school.
Find it yourself.
Hi, Blanche.
Hi, Ted.
- How was your date? - It's not over yet.
- What are you doing up? - I still can't sleep.
I don't want to seem insensitive, Rose, but that's your problem.
Get out.
Blanche, that does seem a little insensitive.
No, it's not.
You're just tired.
- Oh, okay.
I'm sorry I interrupted.
- That's okay.
I better be going.
No, now you stay right where you are.
Now, Rose, go to bed.
- I can't sleep.
- Try counting sheep.
I can't count sheep, I'm allergic to wool.
I got to 23 and I broke out in hives.
That's when I started counting the members of the Jackson family.
Michael, Janet, LaToya, Tito - Rose! - Then there's Stonewall Jackson but I don't remember him on the Victory Tour.
Blanche, I'd better be going now.
All right, but before you do I just want to thank you for a lovely evening.
I guess he bought dinner.
Sophia.
Don't mind me.
The best of Carson's coming on.
- In here? - No, Blanche, in Hollywood, but they pipe it through these little wires and it comes out here.
I really have to say good night now.
Thanks for everything.
Why? You didn't get everything.
- Hi, Ted.
- Hi, Dorothy.
How was your date with Blanche? I don't know.
Maybe I'm old-fashioned but when I was dating, the man used to make all the moves.
How many men have you dated? No, I know what you meant and I don't think that's old-fashioned.
I think it's kind of nice.
- How did you spend your evening? - Parent-teacher meetings.
Five hours of saying things like, "Well, your little Betty is a joy but she's going to have to trim her mohawk if wants to play Mary in the Christmas play.
" Sounds like you need to unwind.
I think I need to retire.
Look, I know it's late but could we go for a drink? Sure, yeah, I'll settle for that.
Four nights in a row and I still can't sleep.
Please, I haven't had a decent nights sleep since I was 70.
I shouldn't complain.
I mean, four nights is nothing compared to Elsa Yuderruden back in St.
Olaf.
She stayed awake for 17 straight days in a rocking chair marathon.
She couldn't have done it without moral support of her children and her husband.
And his cattle prod.
Okay, that's it.
Drink this.
It's a secret potion from the old country guaranteed to put you to sleep.
Looks like milk.
Trust me, Rose.
Drink it, slowly.
That's right, down the hatch.
We call this Sicilian Sominex.
Now, you might feel a slight tingling.
But, believe me, you'll sleep like a baby.
I don't feel any tingling, when's it gonna hit me? Sophia! What are you doing? I was making a soufflé and it got away from me.
Morning, ladies.
The way you leave that back door open, any idiot could walk in.
Any idiot did.
So, Blanche, va-va-va-voom, huh? What? Last night, with Ted.
Cha, cha, cha.
Tango, tango, olé.
Nobody here speaks Spanish, Stan.
- Stan, what are you talking about? - I get it.
Play dumb.
I can play dumb.
Play, you could manage the team.
Just tell me where Ted is.
Is he still asleep? Stan, it's not what you think.
Hey, I read you, babe.
Mum's the word.
He's in the shower, right? Yo, Ted! Stanley, your brother isn't here.
Where is he? Well, how should I know? He left last night around 11:30.
- That doesn't make sense.
- You're telling me.
Well, this is strange.
He didn't call, he didn't come home.
It's not like Ted.
I've gotta go find him.
Could've gotten mugged.
He could be lying out in a gutter, bleeding to death.
It's worse than I thought.
What the hell are you doing with my brother? Calm down, Stanley.
It's just a routine search.
I can't believe you're so desperate you'd stoop to this.
- You can't talk to me that way.
- I was talking to Ted! - Let's go! - Look, Stan.
I'm not a child.
- I'll go when I'm ready.
- Good for you, Ted.
- Okay, I'm ready.
- All right.
I'll call you later.
I can't believe what just happened.
I think you owe me an explanation.
Well, Ted and I I don't have to stand here and listen to this.
- Ma, don't give me that look.
- What look? I didn't do anything wrong.
Ted and I just talked last night.
Right, and the Godfather made all his money selling olive oil.
Blanche, if I thought for a second that there was anything between you and Ted, I never would have done what I did.
What did you do, Dorothy? She spent the night with Ted.
But Ted was your date, Blanche.
Dorothy, you must have slept with somebody else.
Blanche, I didn't steal your date.
Ted told me that you had absolutely nothing in common.
Well, obviously.
He's dull, boring and has dubious taste, to say the least.
If that is some schoolgirl attempt to get my goat you're wasting your breath.
I'm simply questioning how any man could possibly choose you over me.
It's not working, Blanche.
I suppose there could be some exceptions.
Convicts who haven't seen a woman in 25 years It's still not working, you bimbo.
How childish to resort to name calling, you Jezebel.
- Floozy.
- Tramp.
[laughing.]
I? I am a tramp? Blanche, have you heard the latest ad campaigns? Join the Navy, see the world, sleep with Blanche Devereaux? Join the Army, be all you can be, sleep with Blanche Devereaux? The Marines are looking for a few good men who have not slept with Blanche Devereaux.
Just what are you trying to imply? - Slut! - Trash! Now, girls, settle down before you says something you'll both regret.
Know what her problem is? She cannot stand to see anyone else happy.
Calm down, Dorothy.
I'll brew you some tea.
- I don't want any tea.
- But this is a special blend.
It's very soothing.
- Have you been drinking much of this? - Only at night when I can't sleep.
This is loaded with caffeine.
But we need caffeine, especially women our age.
Or our bones will get brittle and we'll walk all stooped over.
That's calcium, Rose.
Calcium, not caffeine.
This is what has been keeping you awake.
You mean, if I stop drinking that, I can sleep? You may even blink again.
I've gotta get to the counseling center.
Honey, come on, take the day off.
Call them.
But those people need me.
What good can you possibly be to them? Well, I'll be there, I'll smile, I'll nod.
Fortunately, a lot of them hear voices.
I'll just tell them one of them is mine.
[slow music plays.]
- Having a nice time, Dorothy? - Wonderful.
Me too.
This reminds me of when we were kids, and you and Stan double dated with me and Lois Bernbaum.
Yeah, we went to Roseland, and you and I did the jitterbug.
And afterwards, to Louie's for a malt? That's when Stan did his walrus imitation, with the straws up his nose.
- Sure have come a long way since then.
- Yeah.
Now Stan uses breadsticks.
I had quite a crush on you.
- You did? - Sure did.
And that's why I'm glad we're here together tonight.
I know it may seem sudden but there is something very important - I wanna ask you.
- Anything, Ted.
- Uh, may I cut in? - Oh, hell.
Hey, Stan, it's good to see you.
What a coincidence, huh? Look, I'll be back at the table.
- But - No, it's okay.
Hey, we got all night.
You two enjoy, huh? [host.]
Gatling, party of two.
Dorothy, you're not moving.
It reminds me of our wedding night.
Stanley, I don't wanna dance with you.
Dorothy, please.
This is really important.
Today, Ted called the airline and booked two seats for Acapulco.
- What does that mean to you? - He doesn't have a travel agent.
No, you don't understand.
The last time he went to Acapulco, - he got married.
- So? Last time I went to Coney Island, I got pregnant.
What's your point? He made reservations at the same hotel.
He's wearing my most expensive aftershave, don't you see? He's gonna pop the question.
You're being ridiculous.
You're jumping to conclusions.
Besides, it's none of your business anyway.
Good night.
[host.]
Shafter, party of three.
- Ted, I told Dorothy about Acapulco.
- You heard me make the reservations? Yes, and I think it's a terrible mistake.
You mean, it's true? Well, yes.
I don't know what to say.
I hope you'll say yes.
Ted, I think there's something you should know about Dorothy.
She snores like a freight train.
Who cares, she's still a great gal.
Hey, guy, you're a wealthy doctor, you could have gorgeous women crawling at your feet.
Why waste your time with Dorothy? - I think you're a little out of line.
- I'm not knocking Dorothy.
What would you call this, a testimonial? Okay, okay.
I'm gonna have to be blunt.
Ted, all your life, you've looked up to me, and you've envied me for everything I have.
- That's why you wanna marry Dorothy.
- Marry Dorothy? What are you talking about? Come on, Acapulco, the El Presidenté, you're planning something big.
Well, yeah.
I met this great looking stewardess on the flight and I asked her to go to Acapulco and she could only go if I found a sitter for her two kids.
Hey, I'd really appreciate it.
Come again.
They are great kids.
One of them plays with matches, but you don't smoke, do you? Teddy, you old stud.
Hey, hey, hey.
I mean, you hang around the master long enough, you're gonna pick up a few tricks.
Listen, uh Ted, I hate to interrupt What was all that sweet talk about your having a crush on me? Well, I mean, I did, but that was a long time ago.
Yeah, but What about last night? Well, I'll always remember last night as a very special evening.
It was.
It was a very special evening.
And that's why I'm going to keep that deep dark secret about yourself that you told me strictly between the two of us.
Uh, thank you, I appreciate it.
Don't mention it.
Good night, Ted.
And goodbye.
Goodbye.
[host.]
Collins, party of two, please.
Oh, uh, may I borrow this for a minute? Uh, ladies and gentlemen, [Dorothy.]
may I have your attention, please.
The gentleman at table five in the blue suit is impotent.
Bon appetit.
Rose.
Oh, Rose.
Honey, did you finally get to sleep? Wake up, I have to talk to someone.
Oh, not now, I wanna sleep.
Rose, listen, Dorothy's so upset with me, and I don't blame her after all those things I said.
- Mmm.
- You know, I just don't see how I'll ever face her again.
Rose, listen.
Listen.
Am I a terrible person? I don't know.
Who are you? It's me, Blanche.
Oh, Blanche.
You're not a terrible person.
You're just horny all the time.
[knocking on door.]
- Rose, it's Dorothy.
- Oh, gosh.
I can't talk to her, not now.
Oh! Rose, honey.
- Are you awake? - I don't know.
Oh, that's good enough.
I need to talk to someone.
Rose, it's been a terrible night.
Ted turned out to be as big a jerk as Blanche said he was.
- Ted who? - Never mind.
How did I let myself get involved? How could I allow a man to come between me and my best friend.
Blanche is never gonna forgive me.
I forgive you.
Where did you come from? - I was hiding behind the drapes.
- What is this, Hamlet? I just didn't want to face you after all those things I said.
- Honey, honey, I understand.
- Well I understand why you were so upset.
I'm not really sure you do, Dorothy.
You see I threw myself at Ted and he just tossed me aside like a ratty old pair of sweat socks.
Well, I'm not like you, Dorothy.
I'm not used to that kind of humiliation.
I've never told anyone this before, but I have a fragile ego.
It'll be our little secret.
Rose? Don't worry.
I found something to put you to sleep.
She's asleep already.
What? After I spent all day making her this Sicilian sleeping potion? Oh, Ma, come on.
Hey, this saved my Uncle Giuseppe's life.
One swig and he slept through the Allied invasion.
Ma, that's ridiculous.
Here, take a sip.
Wow, this stuff really works.
I've gotta remember what I put in this.
Takes so little to make her happy.
- Good night, Blanche.
- Good night, Dorothy.
Rose, good Dorothy? Dorothy?