Bob's Burgers s03e09 Episode Script

Fa-la, la-la, fa-la, la-la La-la-la-la-la I saw three kids come sailing through On seven days before Christmas in the morning.
Why are you putting up ninja throwing stars? I think they're doilies.
They're snowflakes! They're Christmas-y.
Ninja snowflakes! Hi-yah! Ha! Yah! Ow.
Ow.
Gene.
Speaking of Christmas, here's my annual list of demands.
"My own apartment.
" And it cannot be a studio.
You have exactly seven shopping days to comply.
If it rolls into day eight, there will be tears and violence.
I want a dry erase board.
So I can write down all my private thoughts and then erase them immediately.
I want the actual Olympic bobsled used in Cool Runnings.
We can't afford any of those things, kids.
Not even a dry erase board? No, Tina! Sorry.
Been a tough year, ever since the City Guide listed us as a gas station.
Hey, a bunch of presents don't matter.
Christmas isn't all about getting stuff.
Yes, it is! Take it back! Take it back! Merry Christmas, Mike! Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas to you.
Hi, Mike.
Hi, Bob.
Here's your mail.
Thanks.
Ahem.
What? Ahem! Oh.
Right.
Of course.
You know, I never know how much to tip the mailman.
No, you don't.
Um, you know what, here.
Uh, I am going to write a number on this piece of paper.
There you go.
Oh, yeah, that's about right-- if I delivered mail one day a week.
Fine.
Here's more than that.
Oh, thanks, Bob.
Hey, I got something special for you, too.
Special delivery.
Were you not gonna give me this if I didn't tip you? No, I-I would have.
Just not today.
Maybe it's from Santa.
It's from the law firm of Bankoff, Bostwick & Biel.
Santa's suing us! Hey, it says I've been named an heir in the enclosed will of Ernest G.
Lombard.
Aw! Uncle Ernie's dead? But it's Christmas.
Huh, I haven't talked to Uncle Ernie in years.
"Talking to Uncle Ernie" would be great code for going a poop.
James, he just died.
It's a fitting tribute.
Excuse me, who is *** this guy? He was my mother's brother.
He owned Lombard's Department Store before the mall came and put it out of business.
How much did Uncle Ernie leave you? Well, let's see what it say-- Hey! Hey! A- ba-ba-ba! Don't look! Let's have a reading of the will.
I'll make punch.
You always want to make punch.
Ever heard of eggnog? I have all those sample punch packets.
Ah, look, I got-- just got another one.
I'm so excited! I have to go talk to Uncle Ernie! Okay, everyone has their punch, so it's time to inherit the wind! Oh, mmm.
Ooh, it's good.
No, it's not.
Let's make a pact that we won't let the money change us.
Uncle Ernie's worst Christmas is going to be our best Christmas! Okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Jamaican bobsled! Apartment! Dry erase board.
Uh, like that.
Let's just say this Christmas might not be terrible.
Ahem! You have been bequeathed Drumroll! storage unit 39 at the Quincy Avenue Just-Stow-It.
Oh.
Ugh.
I still have a good feeling about this.
There could be an old car in there.
Or a whole bunch of fur coats.
Ooh.
I'm gonna throw paint on them! Remember, if it's something really good, we'll have to pay taxes on it.
Huh? Oh, hey.
We won a caveman! Who are you? My name's Chet.
Uh, short for Chester, long for Ch.
That's my little joke.
Did you, did you enjoy the joke? Yes.
Eh.
I'm Tina.
Shoes on or off? On, please.
Can I get you something to drink? Cough syrup? Rainwater? Not that.
That's urine.
Why are you living in my uncle's storage unit? Mr.
Lombard is your uncle? Yeah, he left me this unit in his will.
Oh.
Mr.
Lombard's dead? Yeah.
You want to come in for a hug? Um, no.
Why? 'Cause we just met? Yeah, I guess.
That's better.
May I join you two? No.
So, how'd you know Uncle Ernie? I did window displays at his store for 20 years.
When the store closed, he let me stay in here.
Don't you have a family or friends to stay with? You know, with Christmas coming and all that.
Wait, it's Christmas? My calendar says it's, uh, da-da-da August.
Bobby, tell him he can stay in our basement.
; What? Why? Because, 'tis the season! Of what? Taking strange men into our basement? Of being nice, Bobby.
He's fine right here.
He's got a TV and a jar.
You guys are loud whisperers.
Sorry.
So, you're taking over the lease? It's 150 a month.
Oh.
Thanks again for letting me stay here.
Yeah, Bobby, you old softie.
You're like a mushy snowman.
A lot of space! I can't wait until the carpeting comes in.
Is your heart set on this wall color? 'Cause I have some ideas.
But just to be clear, Chet, you're only here till right after Christmas.
This Christmas? Um, yeah.
The one that's coming up in a week.
This is the nicest thing anybody's ever done for me.
Including when Sal over there gave me this track suit.
If you want to give Sal something, he needs a penis.
Fire! What?! Just kidding.
Come look.
What? Come on.
What? What happened? Ah! Chet's gone.
His pee jar is cold.
I got to say, I'm relieved.
There was something off about that guy.
And he smelled Oh, oh! It's Chet! Oh.
Hey, Chet.
There's my guy.
What do you think of the display? Is it holi-doing it for you? You did all this? Oh, it's amazing! You gave me a place to stay, I give you: Class under Glass, by Chet.
So you don't just design the displays, you're also in them? Of course.
Why wouldn't I be? Well, it's a nice display.
Um, thanks for doing it.
How long did it take? Chet? Chet? He's being weird again.
It's been two hours and he still hasn't moved.
Come on! I'm tired of pantsing him.
It's like pantsing a stone.
Or Grandpa.
I love your display.
The hats are fabulous.
How much are they? Uh, we don't sell hats.
We sell burgers.
We still need to find a hat and something for the mailman.
Please tell me you sell gift certificates.
I, uh, I have a napkin and a pen, so I can write one.
You know, Chet may be a strange guy, but his display really upped our foot traffic.
Okay, Chet.
We're closed.
You can move now.
Whew! Ah! I am full of lactic acid and ideas for tomorrow's window! Ah! You're gonna do a different one tomorrow? Tomorrow and then the next day and then the next day and then the next day and then the next day and then it's Christmas, so I'll stop.
Can we help? I want to be a Gene-equin! I'll be a Tina-quin.
Let me print up some real gift certificates.
And maybe, uh, cover the window with a big curtain, and unveil the new display right before we open.
That's very theatrical.
Are you gay? We wish.
Okay.
Anything jumping out at you for tomorrow's display? I found a train! The most civilized form of toy travel.
This would look good in my new apartment.
It was a joke at first, but now I'm starting to expect it.
This is fun, teaming up, you know? I used to do windows with my wife, Nadine.
Oh, you're married? We're separated.
It's okay.
What's past is past.
Let's just, uh, focus on tomorrow's window.
Moving on! Yeah, your new family doesn't want to hear about your old family.
When I was small, I believed in Santa Claus Though I knew it was my dad And I would hang up my stalking at Christmas Open my presents and I'd be glad Father Christmas, give us some money One local man has gone from homeless to "homeful" here in the window of Bob's Burgers, where you could say he's been making quite a living display of himself.
Hey, look, I can see me! Look, I'm waving! Wow, this is great for us.
We're on the news.
The restaurant Gene, stop licking yourself.
You're on TV.
Where I belong! So, Bob, what's it gonna be for the big Christmas Eve finale? I don't know what the last display's gonna be.
Chet's the idea guy.
Let's hear your idea, Chet.
No, no, no! Don't tell me! Don't ruin it.
No, you got to tell me, you I can't handle it.
No, no, no, no, no! Don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
Guy's fun to talk to.
Whatever it is, it better be good.
Mort's mom is coming to see it.
She's got cataracts, so make it big.
It's not here yet, but I want to go on record and say this is the best Christmas ever! Whoa! I know.
We might actually be able to afford to buy the kids something nice.
And maybe I can sneak out later while you cover for me.
Yeah, I'll tell the kids you're dropping off a present for your mistress.
As if.
Why are you wrapping the TV remote? It's my Christmas present to Dad.
He loves this thing.
Great idea.
I'll wrap Mom's glasses.
Hey, what you looking at, Chet? I'm just zoning out.
This was Nadine's favorite Christmas song.
Oh, who's Nadine? Silent night Oh.
Holy night Who's Nadine? She's Chet's ex-wife.
He's missing her pretty bad.
How could you not miss her? Oh, she's gorgeous! Wait, is she? Whoo.
She looks nice.
Yeah, perfect posture.
And wooden boobs.
Chet, this is a mannequin.
Back when Nadine and I got married, I was a mannequin, too.
Oh, now I understand.
You think you were a mannequin? Oh, it's okay.
You don't need to be scared of me.
I'm not one of those murder mannequins or satanic mannequins.
I'm just a store mannequin that came to life.
So happy you're staying with us in our basement.
Sleep in heavenly Okay, everybody out.
Chet's crazy, Lin.
Do you think he'll kill us before or after Christmas? I don't think he will.
He said he's not a murder mannequin.
You two really have to work on your whispering.
So, if you're a mannequin, you won't feel this! That hurt! I didn't say I am a mannequin.
I said I was a mannequin.
I get it.
One day, all of a sudden, you're anatomically correct.
I just went through that.
Well, I'm pretty sure mannequins don't turn into people, except in that one movie.
This was no movie.
This was retail.
The new summer sportswear had just come in, and so had Nadine.
She didn't have nipples, and, brother, she didn't need them.
As summer turned to fall casuals, our relationship became anything but.
Casual? Yes, casual.
That winter, I took Nadine skiing.
There was a terrible accident.
Nadine shattered her right hand.
Oh, God.
When she came back to the store with two left hands, I knew I had to make a decision.
Which hand to replace with a hook? No.
Which one to put the ring on.
Boo.
Oh, God, Lin, are you crying? You know I love weddings.
We were going to be together forever.
Then came - the mall.
- Damn that mall! Lombard's had an everything-must-go sale, and my everything went.
I never saw her again.
Wait, why didn't she need nipples? I was so heartbroken.
The pain must have turned me human, so I could feel pain.
This is the greatest love story ever told.
Look, Chet, there's no way any of that could be true.
Well then, if I wasn't a mannequin, how come I don't know how to use a computer? Explain that, Bob.
Yeah, Dad, explain that.
Don't give up, Chet.
Maybe Nadine's still out there.
You could find her.
Hmm.
Well, with a face like that, I assume she's modeling in Paris or Milan.
We could help, even if it means going to Paris or Milan.
Right.
I bet she's in Kosovo.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No one's helping Chet look for a mannequin who may or may not exist.
She existed! Fine, she existed.
And you were in love with her.
But you were never a mannequin, Chet.
Just move on.
Nadine is probably in a dump somewhere.
Oh, God! Kids, bed-- now.
I want to talk to your father.
No, kids, stay.
Please stay.
Go.
Go! Stay.
Stay! You go! Gene, stay! Now! Tina, don't move! You go! Louise, stay! Get out of here! Don't leave me! You get out of here! How could you say that in front of that poor Chet? Poor Chet? Poor us, stuck with poor Chet.
Bobby, you made him cry.
He's unstable, Lin.
I'm sure lots of things make him cry.
Oh, I'm so mad I could stomp, Do it, Mom! Do the stompy dance! She's doing it! Don't bother bringing the mistletoe to bed! But do bring me a snack.
Chocolate! Mom, Dad, get up.
What? What happened? You have to see Chet's window.
Oh! Oh, my God.
What the hell is it? - He's gone murder-mannequin.
- No.
It's the display window of my soul, Bob.
This is a warning.
Don't love or believe or hope in anything.
Message received.
I like this area.
Dig deeper.
People are coming to see this.
Our window was on TV and in the newspaper's Christmas Countdown.
You have to change it.
Make it happy.
My happy is gone! It's in the dump somewhere.
I hope your face can catch, Bob, because I'm throwing your words back in it.
Nice job, Bobby.
Way to go.
We have to find Nadine.
Don't worry.
Gene-equin knows how a mannequin thinks.
Ah, a traditional Christmas mannequin hunt.
Show us the window! Yeah! Show us the window! Now! We found Nadine! We found her! Oh, it's a Christmas miracle.
I told you kids not to go looking for her-- I mean, it.
You also told me to not surprise you when you're peeing, but you know you love it.
Stick 'em up! Aah! Aw, Chet's going to be reunited with his long-lost love.
Can't get that at a store.
Where'd you find her? At a store.
Oh.
I'm gonna break it! I'm gonna break it! Oh, crap.
What are we going to do? You're going to go get Nadine.
That's what you're going to do, Old St.
Dick.
Then Chet will have his lady love, and maybe he'll help you give those people their display.
Hmm, that could work.
Go! Use the back door.
I'll stall the crowd.
Go, go.
- Show us the window! - Yeah! Show us the window! Now! Show us the win "A Christmas Poem" by Linda Belcher.
Christmas, Christmas.
Christmas, oh, Christmas.
You Christmas you.
Christmas, Christmas.
C- H-I No, C-H R- I-S-T-M-A-S.
Are you sure it's Nadine? Look at her hands, Dad.
Bum bum bum.
Two lefties.
All right, you guys stay out here.
She's mine.
I found her at the dump.
Finders keepers.
Okay, fine.
But, um, could I could I borrow her just till the end of the day? Are you kidding me? She pulls them in.
And there's only one sex shopping day till Christmas.
It's my biggest day.
There's nobody here.
Oh, no, no, no, there's other people.
They're in the back part.
These finger puppets have no arms.
Looks like we're going to need a diversion.
Release the personal massagers.
Snakes on a plane! Hey, no kids in here.
Get Nadine.
Come on, Dad! Let's go! Hey.
Squirt the lube! Hey, you Ow! Ooh.
Ow.
Uh, I'll have her home by midnight! Stop, you sickos! What? No, not you guys.
Bells, bells, bells, bells Bells, bells, bells, bells, la, la, la, bells La, la, la, bells, la, la, la, bells, la Mom, mom.
Wh-What? Wh-Wh-What? All right! Chet, we found Nadine.
And we only dropped her twice.
You-youyou found her? Yes, she's right here.
Oh, my God, that's Wait a minute.
I don't I'm not sure I want her to see me like this.
This track suit is 12 seasons old, I've got a gut Oh, don't worry.
Nadine's changed, too.
Yeah, come out, Chet, please.
It-it she really misses you.
I don't know.
What about all the stuff you said about how I was never a mannequin? Bob Look, um, I'm sorry I said that.
I I do think you need help.
But before you get help, we need help.
So you still don't believe me.
Um, no, but all that matters is you're a man now, in love with the mannequin who I'm holding by the arm but should be in yours.
Wow.
I got to say that really hit me.
Okay, so open the door.
Tough times, huh, Baby? Well, I don't care what you had to do.
I missed you.
I've changed? Well Yeah, I like your hair that way.
It's Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Well, I was Uh-huh.
Right.
Chet's a really good listener.
That's important to a woman.
Lin, she's a mannequin.
Who won't shut up, apparently.
Hey, uh, guys, sorry to interrupt.
Did, uh did Nadine say anything about getting that window display going? 'Cause we we really need to finish strong here.
What do you think, Nadine? Yes.
What? What is what is she saying? She's cracking one of her spoofs.
What's a spoof? Just one of her goof-abouts.
You mean like a joke or? Nadine, you still got it.
Yeah, she wants to do it.
That's great.
What was the joke? Trust me, you won't get it.
And remember, look alive but absolutely still.
And no action! Uh, thanks for waiting, everyone.
I now give you Christmas! It was worth it.
Mort, I want to take a picture.
Fix the wig.
No, your mom's.
Okay, who needs a gift certificate? Thief! You stole my girl.
I want her back! Oh, no.
Hand her over.
Sorry.
She's with me now.
We'll see about that.
Okay, easy.
Easy, guys.
Yeah, peace on Earth, smut peddler! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Aah! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, manger danger! Aah! Come on, stop.
That's a fresh take.
This crèche is crap! You're lucky I don't call the cops on you pervs.
Can't we just buy her from you, please? She's not for sale.
Every sex shop owner has his price.
Five grand.
What? No.
What about two hundred and sixty-one, two, three dollars? No, Louise, that's the money we were going to use to buy you kids presents.
Okay, that is not enough for an apartment.
You can spend my gift money on Nadine.
Oh, your dry erase board.
You can use my money, too.
Oh, your Jamaican bobsled.
Fine.
I'm in.
But I better get a heck of a Presidents Day gift.
Seriously? You're all willing to give up your Christmas presents for Chet? Aw.
What the hell? Give me the money.
Well, here you go, Chet.
Thanks, Bob.
Sorry we busted up your display.
Mm-hmm.
After everything you did for me.
Roof over my head, Nadine back in my arms.
All right, you know what? You don't need to be out by tomorrow.
Really, Bobby? You mean it? Yeah, stay till New Year's.
Aw.
I'll make punch.
No! Look at us, Bob, with our special ladies, huh? Yeah.
We've got it all, right? We should take a trip, the four of us, you know? Ooh! Probably not.
I'm flexible, wherever you want go.
I'm it-it would be hard for me to get away for a while.
Well, we'll let the ladies figure it out.
Bermuda! Does she have a passport? I can't wait any more, Chet.
Kiss her.
Mmm.
Ugh.
No! Oh, God.
Pick it up, Chet.
Five-second rule.
Oh, are you as hot as I am right now? Whoa.
Are you hot? I'm fine.
Never mind.
I think they love it.
Oh, my God, it's happening.
The kiss is turning her human.
No, wait, it's turning him back into a mannequin.
No, wait, nothing's happening.
They went too far.
I'm out of here.
Merry Christmas, Teddy.
Happy holidays, Mort.
Happy holidays.
Merry Christmas, guys.
Burn in hell, Belchers! Uncle Ernie's storage unit had some real treasures after all.
An exit sign.
Thanks, Santa.
Now I can go out any door I want.
I got a shoe sizer.
Eight and a half.
I got a tool to remove security tags.
Next Christmas is on me! So, Chet what are you going to do after we kick you out? Oh, don't worry.
We'll probably stay at my place in Manhattan.
I have a loft that was being renovated, and I cannot wait to see how it turned out.
What?!