Everybody Hates Chris s03e09 Episode Script

CHRIS: After two years at Corleone, I'd gotten used to being the only black kid.
But it had two major downsides.
One downside was, I was the only black kid.
And the other was, I was the only black kid.
Let's celebrate the day Chris's people finally realized they were emancipated.
Happy Juneteenth, Chris.
I thought that things would never change.
Then Albert arrived.
I was excited about Albert's arrival and anxious for us to meet.
But I decided to play it cool.
S'up? S'up? All right.
I was cool on the outside, but inside I felt like this: ( hip-hop music playing ) Cool or not, we were two of a kind.
( funky theme playing ) ~ Oh, make it funky now ~ The only one who wasn't looking forward to Albert being at Corleone was Greg.
I'm gonna go talk to the new kid.
I've been dreading this day.
What are you talking about? I always knew that someday someone would come along that had more in common with you.
Just because he's black? Greg, that's silly.
Not that silly.
I'll be back.
Sure you will.
Hey, welcome to Corleone.
Hi, I'm Albert.
Hey.
Chris.
Man, I was glad to see you.
When I first got here, I thought it was gonna be like my last school, where I was the only black kid.
They really gave me a hard time over there.
I got beat up almost every day.
Same here.
What school did you go to? Strom Thurmond Junior High.
The only black kids allowed there were children of Strom Thurmond.
Well, now there's two of us.
Twice as much as before.
So we can have each other's back.
That sounds like a plan.
( bell rings ) Oh, I got to go, but we can hang out later.
Cool.
I told you I'd be back.
Yeah, but for how long, Chris? For how long? That concludes another episode of "As the Nerd Turns.
" Class, we have a new student with us.
Say hello to Albert.
ALL: Hi, Albert.
Chris, you must be so happy.
You must feel just like Jackie Robinson when Larry Doby arrived.
More like Robert Parish when Dennis Johnson showed up.
Who's Larry Doby? He was the second black man in baseball, but he was taller than Jackie and more strapping.
With his strong shoulders and Nubian profile.
His Cleveland Indians uniform complimented by the rich caramel color of his skin.
And the way he swung his bat.
( giggles ) Forget jungle fever, she's having a jungle seizure.
Mrs.
Morello, are you okay? Uh, yes.
Anyway ( sighs ) after years of being alone and ostracized, you now have a soul brother.
Somebody to talk jive with and to shoot dice with, to talk about being raised by Ma'Dear with.
Just seeing the two of you together would make your leaders, like Dr.
King and Uncle Remus, proud.
Oh, happy day! ( giggles ) She might have been crazy, but she was right.
I finally had somebody I could really relate to.
( sighs ) Y'all, go put that stuff in the kitchen.
Bills, bills more bills, junk mail.
Internal Revenue Service? "We are pleased to inform you estimated tax" Refund? Oh, my God.
A tax refund check is like a bonus for broke people.
A bonus which my mother accepted with grace and class.
Kiss my ass, Visa! Visa was actually the name of the lady who collected bills for MasterCard.
This is way too much! What's way too much? Our refund, it's-- It's three times more than what we were expecting.
That's how MC Hammer got in trouble.
Cool, now we can finally buy stuff without having to put it on layaway.
You got that right.
Hey, don't take your coats off.
Why, where are we going? Shopping! We're going shopping! ( squeals ) ( laughing ): Shopping.
The more time I spent with Albert, the more I found out we had a lot in common.
Did you see 227 this week? Aw, man, how funny was that when Sandra pretended to be Mary? Then Lester comes home and cold busts her? Man, I love that show.
Me too.
Back then there were almost no black shows on TV.
Kind of like it is now.
Anybody see Kate & Allie ? No.
No.
Well, Kate convinced Allie to accompany her to their 20th high school reunion where Allie found herself questioning her life's successes and failures.
It could have been worse.
Greg never missed an episode of Murder, She Wrote.
Anyone who says money can't buy happiness never saw my mother with her IRS refund couch.
( exhales ) This is nice.
The tighter I got with Albert, the more uptight Greg got.
Hey, Chris, do you want to come over and play some video games? Nah, we're gonna go hang out.
You want to come? Where are you going? Going to the record store.
The 12-inch of "The Show" just came out.
What show? Doug E.
Fresh.
Dougie who? You know, Slick Rick? La-di-da-di.
BOTH: ~ We like to party ~ ~ We don't cause trouble ~ ~ We don't bother nobody ~ Chris, I don't think your man likes rap.
Yeah, he does.
Come on, Greg.
No, that's okay.
You guys can go ahead.
You sure? Yeah, I got lots of homework.
All right, I'll call you later.
While Greg had a negative reaction to the brothers, my mother was hoping for a positive reaction from my father.
We can't afford this.
Yes, we can.
I-- I used our tax refund check.
Wait, when did that come? The other day.
Look, Rochelle, I had plans for that money, that didn't include spending it all on a couch.
But, baby, we got triple the amount that we were supposed to get.
Triple? Yes! But we were only supposed to get back $600.
I know, I know, and that's why I bought a little bit of something for everybody.
I paid some bills for you, and I bought the couch for me, and I bought some variety cereal packs for the kids.
Wow, cereal.
Careful, you'll spoil us.
Hey, wait, wait, wait, where are you going? I'm gonna go sit down.
No you're not.
New couch, new rules.
There'll be no eating on this couch.
So that means no soups, no salads, no sandwiches, no ribs, no Cheerios, no Bazooka gum, nothing.
If you fall asleep, keep your funky little feet on the floor.
Put a towel underneath your face to keep the drool and the dribble from getting on my pillows.
If you sit down, you cannot have any pens, pencils, markers, nothing.
By the time I sat on the new couch, it was the old couch.
Do not Hey, Greg, we're gonna go hang out later.
Want to come? Who's "we"? Me and Albert.
Oh, so you're "we" now? You know, you and I used to be "we.
" Now all of a sudden we have nothing in common.
What's wrong with you? I've been hearing some pretty bad things about your new friend Albert.
Like what? People are saying he's not who he pretends to be.
I mean, he's cool with you, but he's a jerk to everyone else.
You know, I think you're just jealous.
Besides, what do other kids say about me behind my back? I think it starts with the letter N.
And I don't care what other kids say.
I'm gonna hang out with Albert.
That doesn't mean you and me can't be friends.
Oh, really? Then why is it that ever since he's gotten here, I've seen less and less of you? What are you talking about? We're together now.
This doesn't count.
I mean, we don't even eat lunch together anymore.
You haven't returned my phone calls.
But hey, things can change, right? Is this a show about my childhood or an episode of Dr.
Phil ? What do you want me to say? We have a lot in common.
He gets stuff that you don't.
Like what? Sickle-cell anemia.
Like, Albert knows what it's like to be the only black kid in school.
And that's something you won't get.
You never will.
That's all I'm saying.
Well, all I'm saying is, watch your back, friend.
How can my life be this much of a soap opera with no women involved.
Mrs.
Morello was right.
Hanging out with Albert was cool.
But I still felt bad about fighting with Greg.
There goes the neighborhood.
Hey, my dad's got an extra ticket to the Knicks game.
He said I could bring somebody.
Want to go? Are you kidding me? Heck, yeah, I want to go.
Thanks, man.
No problem.
Hey, let's get out of here before your man shows up.
Who, Greg? Yeah, he's no fun at all.
Hey, watch this.
Nice shirt.
Did Prince just have a garage sale? Hey, Chico and the Man, Freddie Prinze just called.
And he wants his hair back.
Taunt the Puerto Rican kid.
That's a good way to get cut.
Hey, man, what are you doing? I'm just having a little fun.
Try it.
It wasn't natural for me to act like a jerk, but I learned quick.
Hey, Caruso.
What, mutt? You know, you have a face like a saint.
A Saint Bernard.
One black kid, Caruso could handle.
But two of us was like Will and Martin in Bad Boys.
Hey, babe.
How come you're not sitting on the couch? Did you read this letter from the IRS? Yeah, so? So? So it says they could demand their money back with interest at any time if they determine that a mistake was made.
Baby, they send that letter to everybody.
But what if they want their money back? Where am I gonna get it from? Julius, you got better odds of being struck by lightening than the IRS wanting their money back.
Statistically, she was right.
( thunder crashing ) ( screaming ) Besides, what's the worst that can happen? JULIUS: Where did they go? What is go--? Oh, my Dad, they took the TV.
Julius, they took my wigs.
Ow! Dad, Dad, they're taking Tonya.
( screaming ) No! Name-brand cereal is like crack to kids.
And when Tonya and Drew opened that variety pack, they became snap-, crackle- and pop-heads.
TONYA: Drew, give it! DREW: No, I called the Chocalot.
TONYA: Mama, Drew took my Chocalots.
Both of y'all, get in here now.
Julius, they driving me crazy behind this cereal.
Well, Drew did call the Chocalots.
I don't care who called what.
It's too early for all this arguing.
Drew, give your sister the cereal.
Fine.
But tomorrow I call the Fruit Hoops.
No, Ma, I-- Girl, don't press your luck before I knock the Rice Krispies out of you.
DREW: Man, who ate up all the Cereal Smack? I called the Cereal Smacks.
See? I called them.
After a few days, I found out I had a lot more in common with Albert than I had with Greg.
Hey, check this dude out.
Hey, Mario? Your mama's so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund.
( Albert laughs ) Oh, yeah? Su mama es la mariscal de la cancha.
Now we're gonna get fined by the Mexican FCC.
Hey, I'll be right back.
What'd you do that for? I was just having a little fun.
Fun for who? Okay, now this is an easy one.
Who was the only president to ever be impeached? Chris? Uh, George Washington Carver? ( classmates laugh ) No, Chris.
George Washington Carver was the black peanut genius.
And you should know that.
Albert? I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know? Did you read the assigned material? You can read, can't you? Yeah, I can read.
Well, then, there's no excuse for you not having studied.
Now, I know you and Chris are having fun shucking and jiving together, but you should really spend more time studying.
Albert looked at her like he was about to get his third strike.
What's wrong with you? Can you believe what she said? It's not that big of a deal, man.
It's nothing worse than what she said to me.
Forget her.
No, I ain't forgetting nothing.
I'll bet you she won't do that again.
What do you mean? We're gonna pay her back.
I think I just joined a gang.
Who's "we"? As it turned out, Albert could not only read, he could also write.
Way to go, Basquiat.
I didn't do this.
Sure you didn't.
Who would possess the vulgar cultural background and raw, angry, street talent to do something like this? I'll give you one guess, and it starts with Albert.
Hey, Albert.
Did you see it? Yeah, I saw it.
Pretty cool, huh? We put her in her place.
What is with this "we"? I had nothing to do with this.
Well, you know No, I don't know.
Caruso thinks I did it.
Yeah, well, you and me? It's the same thing.
Solidarity, right? Solidarity, wrong.
You took this too far.
You need to tell Morello what you did, or I'm going to.
Oh, it's like that, huh? Yeah, it's like that.
And that's the way it is.
Ugh! That sounded a lot cooler in my head.
Okay, then I'll tell her.
I'm not scared.
I'm deeply disappointed in you, Chris.
I thought we had a connection, and yet you go and spraypaint those awful words.
Wait.
Didn't Albert talk to you? Yes.
Your friend came in here, and as hard as it was for him to turn you in, he did the right thing by letting me know you were the one who defaced school property.
But it wasn't me.
I didn't do it.
Don't try to deny it, mister.
I know in your culture, people think that word is a compliment, but in this instance, it's not.
Mrs.
Morello, Albert's the one who spraypainted that wall.
I know you were embarrassed for your friend because he didn't study, but you're not helping him by calling me names.
Sticks and stones, Chris.
I know where I'd like to stick a stone.
I'm giving you detention.
But that's not fair.
I told you I didn't do it.
And furthermore, you're gonna clean that wall.
Give it, or I'm gonna tell.
Tonya, you didn't even want the Frosty Flakes until I had them.
Stop! So? You can eat Crazy Bran.
I'm not eating the Crazy Bran, Tonya.
Stop! Stop! You're spilling it! Hey! Give me the darn cereal! I'm sick of y'all fighting over cereal.
Every day, y'all-- You need a life bigger that cereal.
It's cereal.
Now eat the damn cereal! Eat the Damn Cereal.
Coming soon from Kellogg's.
Can I help you? I've got a hypothetical question for you.
Okay.
What are the chances that the IRS would demand a refund on a tax refund? Hypothetically? Hypothetically.
Well, that hardly ever happens.
Really? Yes.
Almost never.
Almost? Very rarely.
How rare? Uh, it's unlikely.
I mean, it could take years if they ever even caught the mistake, but they probably wouldn't.
How probable is that probably? Did you cash the refund check? Hypothetically? Yes.
No.
Good.
But my hypothetical wife did.
Oh.
Oh? Oh, hey, what's "oh"? What? If you got a larger-than-normal refund, it's possible you aren't aware of some benefit.
Although the IRS takes a lot of money by accident, we usually don't give money away by accident.
You'll probably be okay.
Hypothetically.
Probably? Possibly.
Maybe.
I hope.
Thanks.
My father wasn't the only one stressed out because of that refund.
What are you doing? I'm trying to clean this mess off the wall.
I can see that, but why? You didn't do it.
I know, but nobody seems to believe me.
I guess I should have listened to you about Albert.
I guess you should have.
Sorry.
So am I.
It's better to hang out with friends that get you out of trouble, not into it.
If only Tupac had known that.
While I was worrying about my problem, my father had problems of his own.
Julius, is something wrong with your food? No, uh, I'm just not hungry.
For my father to waste food, that could only mean one thing: Hell must have frozen over.
Damn, it's cold! Julius, what's wrong? ( sighs ) I can't stop worrying about this refund.
I mean, I keep having these nightmares the government's gonna take all we own, and we have to end up living in the street.
That is not gonna happen.
It happened to Redd Foxx.
How do you know? Because I'm not living in the streets.
If everybody in this house has to get two jobs, we'll find a way to pay the money back.
Yeah, I can pick up some extra hours at Doc's.
Do I have to get two jobs? Well, if you want to stay here with two parents and two brothers, yes, you have to get two jobs.
But what if I get one job, and I keep Daddy? ROCHELLE: Don't play with me.
Well, I can get a job as a bullfighter and get a paper route.
Boy, I'm not gonna let you kill yourself out there on no paper route.
Chris, you take the paper route.
Drew, why don't you find something else to do.
Okay.
Oh, you guys would really do that for me? In a heartbeat.
Baby, if the IRS knocks on this door, we'll be ready for them, okay? Okay.
ROCHELLE: Now, eat your food.
That night, my family showed me what it meant to have someone's back, and I realized that Greg, not Albert, would always have mine.
I hope you're happy.
They found the paint cans in my locker.
I got expelled.
That's not my fault.
I didn't say anything.
Then who did? Me.
I saw what you did, but I didn't want to say anything until you got Chris in trouble.
Then I told Mrs.
Morello.
Oh, yeah.
Here.
I changed my mind about the game.
I didn't really want to go with you anyway.
This is just like when Bobby Brown left New Edition.
Thanks for getting me out of detention.
Don't mention it.
You'd do the same for me.
Greg was right.
I would.
Because when it came to our friendship, we didn't see color.
Hey, Count Chocula.
Hey, Captain Crunch.
Never would have happened if I had convinced Greg to wear blackface.
CHORUS: ~ Everybody hates Chris ~ ( funky theme playing )