Family Guy s03e09 Episode Script

"It seems today that all you see "Is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those|good old-fashioned values "On which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who positively|can do all the things that make us "Laugh and cry "He's a family guy On the whole, I enjoy my job as a pharmacist.
In fact, many of my customers|are your mommies and daddies.
Jimmy, your mother had awful postpartum|depression after you were born.
And, Danielle, your father had very bad|haemorrhoids that stung him unmerciful.
They were awful.
They were like|stinky little balloons.
Ugh! I gave him some special ointment, and he hurt so bad that he had to|apply it in the car with his sock.
Thank you.
- Cool! I wanna be a pharmacist!|- Yeah! Thank you, Mr Goldman.
|Our final speaker is Mr Griffin.
- Yeah!|- Hey, kids! You know what I do? I work at a toy factory.
|And you know what I do there? I bet you're just a low-level|assembly-line guy who stands all day|screwing heads on dolls.
"Ooh, is it on straight?"|"I don't know.
" Boo! - Why, you snot-nosed|- Mr Griffin! He plays in the park.
Get him there.
Does anyone have any questions? Can we listen to the claims adjuster again? (all) Yeah! Welcome back to Quahog Five News.
Here's OIlie Williams with|the "Black You" weather forecast.
- It's gonna rain!|- Thanks, OIlie.
Finally, we go to Asian reporter|Tricia Takanawa, interviewing a guy|from the Renaissance Fair.
Thanks, Tom.
Sir, for those who|aren't familiar with the tradition, tell us about the Renaissance Fair.
Yea.
But first, bride of Genghis, thou must explainest to me|thy very peculiar electronic wand.
Whoooooo! Rupert, are you ready to hear our "mad lib"? Ahem.
"Cinderella had three|wicked step-watermelons who were very smelly to her.
" "So her fairy god-toilet turned|a pumpkin into a fanny and sent her off to the poop.
" Oh, my! How ruthlessly absurd.
Peter, how was your presentation|to Chris's class? - It was a waste of time.
|- It couldn't have been that bad.
I was terrible.
Everyone else had an important|job and was way more successful than me.
Come on.
You You have a great job.
Yeah.
You're you're doing|you're doing good.
If you're not satisfied,|then be more assertive.
Invite Mr Weed to dinner|and show him what you have to offer.
I guess I could.
I just hope it goes OK.
We've had bad luck with guests.
|Remember Margot Kidder? We loved you in the Superman movies.
|You were just wonderful.
Aaghhh! Mr Weed, I, uh was wondering if maybe you'd like to come to|my house for dinner Friday night.
- That wasn't so hard.
|- What time? - 7.
30, 8.
00?|- Fabulous! What shall I bring? Calm down.
Everything will be fine.
If I blow this, I'll have to go back to|my old job at The Electric Company.
- Duh|- Ot.
Dot.
- Buh|- Et.
- Bet.
|- Bet.
I knew that.
Slow down.
- Puh|- It.
- Pit.
|- Pit.
Come on, it's my first day.
- Fuh|- At.
- Fat.
|- Oh, that's it, buddy! (fighting grunts) - (doorbell)|- That must be him.
Oh, God.
I hope I don't get so nervous|I can't control the volume of my voice.
Hello, Peter.
How are you? Fine! (quiet) Please come in.
It's so nice to have you over, Mr Weed.
Thank you, Mrs Griffin.
I understand|you have a beautiful family.
We do.
But the children won't be|joining us for dinner.
It's their bedtime.
- State your names.
|- Meg! - Chris!|- And I'm Liesl.
The Griffin children would like|to say good night to you.
(" "So Long, Farewell"|from "The Sound of Music") Mmmm.
Who would think that|a woman with such beauty would have the culinary skills|of Emeril Lagasse? Well, thank you.
Bam! Ahem.
Peter, don't you have|something to say to Mr Weed? Oh, yeah.
Mr Weed, I don't care what the guys at work|say.
I don't think you're an effeminate weirdo.
Uh, so, what kind of a name is "Weed"? They gave it to my grandfather|on Ellis Island.
Our original name was Bermuda Grass.
Peter, being here with your wonderful|family, your beautiful home and your funny talking dog|well, I'm impressed.
Starting Monday, I'd like to promote you|to head of toy development.
Holy crap! Oh, thanks, Mr Weed!|You won't be sorry.
Brian, quit it.
You're embarrassing me.
Brian's choking!|Do the Heimlich manoeuvre, quick! - He's dead.
|- (gasp) Aaagh! Aaagh! I forgot my purse.
Aaaghhh! Let's not panic.
|Nobody even knows about this yet.
Police! Random dead-body search! - Oh, my God! Stall 'em!|- Peter, what are you doing? Just stall 'em, Lois! Ha-ha! Gotcha! It's just me - Death.
|I'm here for the body.
Ah.
Peter, it's OK.
It's just Death.
Ah, thank God.
- Did someone choke on a roll in here?|- No, no, no.
I spit it up.
Oh.
Our top story:|Doreen, I lost your phone number.
We met at the Sky Lounge|last night.
Call me.
In other news, toy industrialist|Jonathan Weed was found dead in the home of an employee|who claims Weed choked on a roll.
No charges will be filed against|the employee, but the roll is in custody.
I'd do her, do her, wouldn't do her.
Ech, who hasn't done her? Do her.
Lose the pigtails and we'll talk.
|Do her, do her And now, the last man to see Jonathan Weed|alive has offered to say a few words.
Good afternoon.
As you know, we of the Christian faith|believe that Jesus is not really dead, but that he must let|the world think he is dead until he can find a way to control|the raging spirit that dwells within him.
(hums suspenseful theme) Anyway, before he died, Mr Weed|promoted me to head of toy development.
I brought my attorney who confirms|that this constitutes a verbal contract.
Isn't that right, Saul?|"Yes, sir.
" Thank you.
Glad you all found your way|from the cemetery.
I'm Mr Weed's lawyer.
We found this tape|among Mr Weed's personal effects with instructions that it be screened|immediately after his funeral.
Enjoy.
(man) Good morning.
Camera time.
- Turn that off.
I don't have my face on yet.
|- You want to tell us what you're making? It's just a couple of eggs with|the peppers left over from last night.
- (man) Mm|- Yes.
OK, playtime is over.
|Turn it off, monkey, OK? - Ahem.
|- (fast-forwards tape) Hello, friends.
If you are watching this,|I am dead, and I bet you're pretty bummed.
- But I have good news.
|- Yeah? The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory|shall be torn down to make way for the Happy-Go-Lucky|Terminal Disease Institute.
- What?!|- The demolition will begin in now.
OK, we've got your typing test here and all the pertinent data|about your, um um, you know, your background and, um skills and - And?|- I gotta be honest with you.
I only have another week and a half here,|and I have completely checked out.
- Oh.
|- Yeah.
Well, what should I do? Um Chef? Sorry, we're out of towels.
|Let me get that for you, sir.
I should pay two bucks for stickers|cos this guy can't hear? Come on! Hey, I might be deaf, but I have feelings! Oh, uh I mean, what? - Has Dad found a permanent job yet?|- He's going through a career transition.
He's sampling a few things, searching|for something that fits him just right.
(gasps) - Clearly it's not that tube top.
|- Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks? - Oh, my God.
|- Peter, get in the car! OK, but it'll cost ya.
|You want a Cleveland Steamer? Get in the car|What's a Cleveland Steamer? - It means he'll|- Whoa, be cool.
Yes, you go to Maple Street,|and then take a left, and then you go - So you want to party or what?|- Get in right now! It's eerie, isn't it?|Like looking into the future.
- Forgetful Freddy was so forgetful|- (group) How forgetful? He was so forgetful, whenever he tried|to remember a name, he drew a"blank".
This is all my fault.
If I hadn't pushed you|so hard to invite Mr Weed to dinner, he'd still be alive and you'd have your job.
We'll get through this.
|We just have to scrimp a little.
Sell some stuff we don't really need.
- This'll bring in a couple of bucks.
|- Peter, listen.
When we got married, you always talked|about your dream job.
Remember? You put that dream aside|in order to provide for this family.
- Yeah.
|- I've saved some money from teaching piano, and this is the perfect time|for you to pursue that dream.
- Really?|- Yes! Wow.
Since money's tight, I was gonna|suggest that we eat the kids.
Jokingly at first, but then|I was gonna gauge your reaction.
If you were cool with it, we could go|from there.
But this is a much better idea! I'm gonna do it!|I'm gonna realise my dream! I am gonna be a Renaissance Fair jouster! Oh, Peter! Aaaghhh! This is so exciting!|My little jouster's first day.
- Here's your lunch.
|- Thanks, honey.
Aw, egg salad! - Have a good time.
|- I'll try.
- Hey, Mort.
|- Oh, God! Don't hurt me! - Oh, hi, Peter.
|- You gonna be a jouster, too? Yes.
I'm trying to overcome|my fear of swords because a man in a pirate suit|stabbed me in the ear when I was five, and then again when I was 30.
|And you? The same? Nah, not really.
It kinda|all goes back to when I was 18.
I was going through that rebellious phase,|and I was hanging out with a bad crowd.
Here, Peter.
Try one of these.
- What is it?|- It's a cheeseburger.
Now I know it wasn't a cheeseburger.
But at that time,|I was ready to believe anything.
I didn't know what was going on.
I wandered around and ended up|at the Renaissance Fair.
- I can fly!|- Oh, my God! I was saved by the one and only Black|Knight of the Quahog Renaissance Fair.
A word of advice.
The path to knighthood|is paved with strength and nobility, not LSD and sideburns.
And from that moment on, I knew|someday I wanted to be a knight like him.
Mercy! I was once addicted|to antihistamines.
I took so many, I thought I was Mr Peanut.
Yeah, that's a great story, too.
So, you think you got|what it takes to be jousters! If you're gonna joust, you gotta want it!|Let me hear your war cry! (whines) Is that the best you got, you pile of crap? Yes.
From an early age,|my parents discouraged loud noises.
You're a candy-ass maggot! - Something funny, maggot?|- No, sir! - You love the Middle Ages, don't you?|- Sir, yes, sir! The concept of a geocentric universe|gets you sexually excited, doesn't it? Yes, sir! You want to make 16th-century|mathematician Johannes Kepler your bitch? Sir, yes, sir! - Welcome, apprentices.
|- (gasp) It's him.
Look alive.
Allow me to introduce the best|of the best, the Black Knight himself! And this is his trophy wench,|Maid Madeleine.
- (ping)|- (ping) - (ping)|- (ping) (ping) Ding! - Excuse me, Mr Black Knight.
|- I'm busy.
I just wanted to thank you.
I don't know|if you remember, but when I was a kid, you helped me get my life back on track.
Agh! Dammit! Look, I'm busy, all right? - OK, I'll come back later.
|- Damn rookies.
Are all the other men|out of the shower yet? Hey, porker.
Yes, I'm calling you a porker,|and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm protected by my|impenetrable cereal-box fort.
Ha-ha-ha! Hey, you! Drunkie.
Yes, I'm calling you drunkie, and|there's nothing you can do about it Agh! - The toast is ready.
|- I'll get it, Lois.
Here you go.
Maybe you shouldn't bring|your lance to the table.
If I'm gonna impress the Black Knight,|my lance must be with me at all times.
You guys will be so proud|when you see me on that field.
Excuse me.
I gotta go practise.
(screams) Oh, my God, Dad, my earring! Dad, stop! Argh! Two mutton joints, please.
Oh, thou wishest to feast on|the appendage of a humble ovine.
Listen, freak.
We don't all watch Frasier.
|Now give me two mutton joints.
Thank you.
'Tis a glorious afternoon.
|Wouldst thou not agree? Uh, yea, kind shrew.
Uh, I before thee except after C.
Wouldst thou take a gander|underneath my frock? Uh, sure.
Whatever floats your boat.
- (honk)|- There you go.
Frickin' perverts.
Madeleine, go wait in the Hyundai! What were you doing with my girl? She walks over here and asks me to put a bird|in her panties! I'm going "What the hell?" Oh, God! Peter, play dead!|Curl up in an ass ball or something! - What's the problem, BK?|- I don't like you.
And I don't like you hanging around my girl.
I don't ever want to see you here again.
Oh.
OK, but we can see each other|outside the fair, right? - I'm just trying to understand the rules.
|- If I see you again, I'll kill you! OK, that's much clearer.
Oh, God! I think I just miscarried! What are you doing? I spent hours|soldering that costume for you.
I don't need it any more.
I quit the team.
You can't quit jousting.
|The big meet is today.
I thought (chuckling) Did you just say "big meat"? Oh, my God, I did.
- We almost missed that.
|- That was a close one.
But I'm being serious here.
We were|all set to come see you joust today.
You were so excited to be|on the field with the Black Knight.
I'll be watching him from the stands, because the Black Knight is a big jerk,|just like that guy who fixed our vacuum.
There you go.
All fixed.
A half-eaten meatball was|clogging up the intake.
- Oh.
Well, did you save it?|- Uh, no.
You bastard.
It's an exciting day here at|the Renaissance Fair, wouldn't you say, Tom? It would be if you didn't remind us all|of our grandmother's cleavage.
Let's go to the field, where the Black Knight|prepares to challenge his opponent.
"Ohh "Hey "Ohh "Hey Hey, how you doing there, big guy? You holding up all right? You want a soda? Hm? Oh, screw it.
I tried.
The Black Knight's next challenger|is Sir Mort Goldman.
(grunts) (Mort) Oh, God! I forfeit! (Tom) That's it.
The Black Knight is out of|challengers and is once again undefeated.
Hey, what's your fat ass doing here? He's my only means of conveyance.
- But I guess I do spoil him.
|- Clearly you do.
And what are you doing here, Griffin?|I told you never to come here again! - I don't want any trouble.
|- You've got trouble if you don't beat it.
- Listen, buddy|- I said get lost! - Where's he going?|- Let him go, kids.
You see that, kids?|Your father's nothing but a fizzle! Nobody calls me a fizzle|and gets away with it! Except that guy who called me a fizzle|and then ran off.
He got away with it.
But most people who call me that|don't get away with it.
Actually, that guy was the only one|who ever called me a fizzle.
After today, only half the people who called|me a fizzle will have gotten away with it.
A new challenger has entered the field.
The crowd has fallen deathly ill.
|Silent.
Sorry.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna die! To the owner of a yellow Hyundai,|your car is being towed.
What? I won! - Peter, that was amazing.
You were so brave.
|- Nice going, Dad.
Boy, that was lucky about the car.
Take that, you bastard! Nobody|makes a fool out of Mort Goldman! Spectacular, maggot! How'd you like|to travel with us as our lead jouster? Thanks, but no thanks, Coach.
|I've lived my dream.
And besides, my life is here with my family.
But, Mom, what's Dad gonna do for a job? Lt'll be OK, Chris.
Remember|that episode of The Honeymooners when Ralph lost his job but didn't get it back? (Peter) Yeah, why was that?|That bugged the crap out of me.