Home Improvement s03e09 Episode Script

(all) Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo! (applause) Thank you, Heidi, and welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
You all know my assistant, Al "Objects Keep Falling On My Head" Borland.
We're dressed like this today in our construction vests because on Tool Time we begin High Steel Week.
Hi, steel.
Al, say hello to the girder.
They're inanimate objects, Tim.
Well, so are you, but we talk every day.
Working on the high steel takes courage and intestinal fortitude, a lot like working with Tim.
That's right, A That's right, Al.
It takes a certain kind of man to navigate the high steel.
There's no two better guys to tell us some safety tips about walking the girders than the boys from K&B Construction Company up there in Bay City, Michigan.
Let's give a big round of applause for Dwayne and Pete.
(cheers and applause) It's great to have you guys on the show.
Always great to be here, Timmy.
Especially today, Tim, because we have brought along some other boys Dwayne! Dwayne! Say hello to Sam, Tom, Tim, Pete, John, Bill, John-Bob, Bob-Bob, Billy-Bob and Bob.
Hey, K&Bers, how you doin'? Maybe after the show you all go back to Al-Bob's house, have some milk and cookies.
Before we head out to the real job site, though, we're gonna learn some safety tips about walking on top of the high steel.
First, Pete would like to demonstrate the correct technique.
Technique is important, Tim.
Otherwise you could slip and end up six inches shorter.
Like Dwayne.
I find the safest way to walk the steel is with one foot directly in front of the other.
That would be the one-foot- directly-in-front-of-the-other technique.
(hisses) And Tim, on those extra-windy days, you may want to use an arm for balance.
Nice hip action, guy.
You're not the first to say so, Timmy.
Well, we've seen Pete strut his stuff.
Maybe we can get Al up there and see some of that famous Borland balance.
(cheers and applause) These beams are made of solid steel.
They're made to hold up to two tons, so I think Al will be all right.
Whoo, graceful as a gazelle.
Klaus? ( "Those Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines") (music stops) One important thing to remember about the high steel is sometimes you need a girder with extra support.
(beam creaks) I think in Al's case, we need an 18-hour girder.
What do you think? Should we put the kids in the middle? Ready, set Hut-hut hike! Whoa! Yes.
What a wimp.
Hey, guys, guys Oh, good job.
Think fast.
Ooh.
Guess what's coming back to the house in two weeks.
I'll give you a hint.
It goes vroom, vroom, vroom.
Ha.
Usually everything around here goes vroom, vroom, boom.
The hot rod.
Oh, cool, the hot rod.
When she's painted, is she all done? Well gotta wire it, put the upholstery in, and then the hard part - talk your mom into sitting in the front seat with a tube top and hot pants.
Do you think maybe if nobody tells Mom can I drive it? Well, I was kinda waiting to surprise you No! Hi, guys.
(Brad) Hi, Mom.
Hey, baby.
Axleby says the hot rod should be painted in two weeks, so get out your hot pants.
Tim, I have never worn hot pants, I'm never going to wear hot pants, so if hot pants are important to you, you wear 'em.
There's a pretty picture.
So, my mother called today.
Yeah? The bonds that she bought for the kids are coming due.
I can't believe she thought she had to remind me.
Well, did you remember? No, I didn't remember, Mr.
Butt Out If You Have Nothing Constructive To Say.
Why do you always get mad at me when you talk to your mother? I'm not mad.
I'm just expressing my feelings.
You should learn how to be more selfish.
Just keep your feelings to yourself.
I told her that I thought the boys were old enough to have some say where their money goes.
She says no - I should just reinvest the bonds and not even tell them.
I don't want you to hit me, but I think your mom's right.
(mumbles) You're agreeing with my mother? (imitates her mumble) Let's face it, the boys are childish, irresponsible.
They can't handle money.
They're like me.
Well, I don't want them to be like you, so I say we present them with all the different options, and they choose their own investment.
Like real estate.
What are they gonna get for 50 bucks apiece? Really little apartments.
No, Brooks Robinson! Roger Maris! No, Sandy Koufax! Then Yogi Berra! Sandy Koufax was the best pitcher ever.
Yogi Berra was such a good hitter.
Brooks Robinson! It's time for you to go to bed.
Come on.
What are you arguing about? We've been thinking about what you said about the money.
We know what we wanna do.
Oh, good.
OK.
What did you decide on? College fund, savings account, another bond? Baseball cards.
Baseball cards? Look at this card.
Honus Wagner.
It originally sold for a penny.
Now it's worth $450,000.
So we figured if we put our money together and we buy a card for $150, someday it could be worth six billion.
Brad, I'm not sure that every card gives you a 40 million percent return.
Well, maybe not that much, but look in the book.
Most of them double and triple their value.
Well I gotta say this shows some very creative thinking, you know? The only thing is, there's no way that the three of you are gonna be able to share one card.
But Mom, if we each pitch in our $50, we could get a better card.
Maybe, but I'm remembering those bloody noses that resulted that time you tried to share that 50-cent Nutty Buddy bar.
Oh, yeah, the famous bloody Nutty Buddy bar incident.
Yeah.
(Randy) Oh, wow.
Don't touch anything.
Whoo, the smell of sports dust in the air.
Kinda takes you back to your childhood.
Dad, this is our childhood.
Wow, look at all these cards.
How are we gonna know what to buy? That's why I'm here.
Dad, you don't know anything about baseball cards.
Yeah, Mom should've come.
Look, Honus You don't need people in here that know about baseball.
You need someone here who knows about business.
Well, then why are you here? Excuse me.
My sons are interested in baseball cards as an investment, and they don't want to get ripped off.
Sorry, all we do is rip people off.
Store policy.
All right, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to insult you, Mr Ripoffer.
Conman T.
Ripoffer.
From the famous Jack-the-Ripoffer family? Don't worry, I'll give you a good price.
Go browse.
All right, thanks.
Hey, Dad, check this out.
An Andy Pafko.
Who's Andy Pafko? He was, uh $1300.
Keep browsin'.
What kind of idiot comes to a store like this for a frying pan? It's a Swedish pancake maker signed by Bjorn Borg.
Really? I think I remember him serving those at Wimbledon.
Hey, hey, hey, guys, look, an Indy car.
Oh, it even has a remote control.
Cool! This is better than cool.
Rick Mears drove this to a victory in '84.
Oh, man, it's autographed.
Dad, why don't we buy something like this? Hey, hold on a second.
Hey, Mr.
Con, or Mr.
Man Mr.
Con Man? What kind of an investment is this Mears car? Well, it's been a very good one for me.
It's already doubled in value.
No kiddin'.
What are you askin' for it? $140.
Oh, cool.
If all three of us put our money together, we could buy it and still have $10 left over.
Yeah.
(whistles) Yeah.
I think we're all forgetting the bloody Nutty Buddy bar incident.
But you heard the guy.
It's a great investment.
Yeah, it's already doubled.
Yeah.
I was at this race.
It was a great victory for him.
Love to have this souvenir in our house.
We could get rid of those pictures, put it up on the mantel.
Dad, those are pictures of us.
Oh.
Well, we'll squeeze 'em in.
This is way better than a baseball card, because if we bought one of those, all we'd be doing right now is staring at it.
That's what we are doing, dork.
Shut up! Why can't we play with it? Because the guy at the store said we're not supposed to touch it if we want it to be an investment.
It has to stay in mint condition.
That stinks.
I wonder how fast it goes.
Did you open the gate to the alley? Yeah.
All right, I'll go first.
Hey, no, it was my idea.
No, oldest first.
No way! Then biggest first.
What about me? Get real.
It's in the alley.
Let's go! (truck backup signal beeping) (plastic crunches) We should have gotten insurance.
Perfect.
You can't even tell it was sideswiped by a garbage truck.
I don't know.
The front bumper still looks like it's kinda drooping.
Mark, put on another piece of gum.
Good as new.
We just need to make sure nobody can see it from the side.
Did we save Rick Mears' autograph? Uh, sort of.
It says, ".
.
ick Mea" Let's put it on the mantel and get outta here.
OK.
Oh, let's go, come on.
OK.
(Brad) Hey, Dad! Hi, guys.
(Brad) Bye, Dad.
Bye? I thought you guys would stick around, and we'll stare at the car for a while.
We've been starin' at it for two hours.
We're takin' a little bit of a stare break.
Hi.
Hi.
Take a look at our new investment.
Feast your eyes on Rick Mears' Oh, no! Did one of the boys buy that instead of a baseball card? They pitched in and bought it together.
They're gonna share it.
No, they were supposed to make three separate investments.
We couldn't pass this up.
This toy? This toy? This toy Oh, man.
is an autographed one-of-a-kind.
They keep this in mint condition, it'll double its price.
You said mint condition? Yeah.
Was that spearmint or peppermint? Why is there gum on this? It's holding this paper clip in place here.
Ugh.
What is "ick Mea"? Oh, man! I can't believe you let them do this.
Before the steam starts coming out of your nose, let me explain.
You don't have to explain.
I know what happened.
You all went to the store, you saw the car, you started drooling, the drooling led to grunting, the grunting led to buying.
You are so far off, it's not even funny.
We grunted, drooled, bought.
I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and welcome to the high steel! Hey, Timmy! I'll be right up.
We'll take the elevator up, which is right behind me.
Follow me over there.
Course, you all know my assistant, Al "Steel Crazy After All These Years" Borland.
That's right, Tim.
I love steel.
It's durable, reliable and cheap, everything I look for in an alloy.
Everything you look for in a date.
Timmy! Oh, Pete Bilker from K&B Construction.
He'll be takin' us up top.
It's good to be on the job site with you finally.
It's great to have you guys come see us for a change.
I love what you done with the place.
Thanks, Al.
I picked out the fire-retardant Monaco color myself.
It shows.
You guys pick out your china pattern later.
Right now I wanna get up to the high steel! (Dwayne) Hey, Timmy! Come on up! (Pete) Tim, remember, one foot directly in front of the other.
Thanks, Pete.
I'm right behind you.
Whoo! Like it up here? We're finally up here on the high steel, where men belong.
I call this "iron country safari.
" Arr-arr-arr-arr.
I've been cooped up in the studio too long.
I've forgotten what it's like to be outside, working next to men who know what they're doing.
Tim, right behind us, you might be interested - it's where we're welding our skylight support.
Can you see that from down there? And if you look way down there, you can see 'em pouring them concrete decks.
Uhh I can see that you fasten your girders to the beam using TC bolts with tension-indicating washers.
You've got a good eye, Timmy.
Right back over here Al, take a left there I always wonder what you do up here when nature calls.
What do you do, just let it fly and hope you don't hit the foreman? Look out! Well, actually, that is the way Dwayne does it, Tim.
The rest of us, we just take the elevator down to the Porta-Potti below.
Hey, wait a minute.
Get this rope here, just attach it here to my 'biner, and you can just head down towards that Porta-Potti right down there.
Tim, be careful.
Well, I don't know, Al Oh! Whoa aah! Tim, are you all right? Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
Whoo! Long as I'm down here Could somebody send me a magazine? Hi, Wilson.
Hi-ho, Tim.
Whatever you're cooking sure smells good.
Why, thank you, neighbor.
I'd offer you some, but this is my homemade shoe polish.
So how was your day? Oh, same old, same old.
Went to work, made fun of Al, crashed through a Porta-Potti.
Hmm.
Sounds full.
Oh, that wasn't it.
Supposed to teach the boys something about investment, went to buy some one-of-a-kind baseball cards.
I let them buy a remote-control car instead.
So Jack was sent out to sell the cow, and instead he returns with a handful of magic beans.
What? Beans? Jack? What are you talkin' about? I think you been sniffin' the fumes in that shoe polish too long.
What do you think? (chuckles) I don't know.
I went into that store with the kids.
When I saw that car, I just turned into a big kid.
I wanted it myself.
(laughs) Well, Tim, I've always believed the spirit of the child lives on in the man.
However, in your case, I think the spirit has completely taken over.
I've always been a toy freak.
I loved them when I was a kid.
Even when I couldn't afford cool ones, I made my own toys.
Tim Taylor toys.
They must have been the talk of the neighborhood.
Oh, yeah, especially when they caught fire and exploded.
It must have been difficult, not being able to afford the things you love so much.
No toys for Tim.
It was tragic, yeah.
But nowadays, when you see something that you wanted when you were a boy, you get pretty excited.
Yeah, I guess I do get pretty excited, and that excitement probably rubbed off on the boys when we walked into that store.
Well, Tim, it's not uncommon.
We all try to grasp the pieces of our youth that never were.
You didn't have toys, my mother wouldn't let me talk to my neighbors.
Tim? Tim? Hi.
Hi.
I've been doin' a lot of thinkin'.
I should have let the boys buy the baseball cards, but I know why I didn't.
I got a child inside of me.
Really? What month are you in? No, honey I'm just like a big kid.
Just because I like Indy cars doesn't mean we should have bought the thing.
I should have listened to you and just reinvested the bonds.
This isn't your fault.
It's not your fault.
Well, it's somebody's fault.
(both) The boys'.
(boys shouting) I think I hear our little demolition men now.
I'll flip you to see who yells at them first.
I have a better idea.
Put the thing back on the mantel.
What are you thinkin' about? You'll see.
Wait, wait, wait, they're just walking in right now.
Hey, guys, that man from the baseball store's on the phone.
He is? Yeah.
He says that he has a guy who collects Indy cars who wants to buy yours.
He'll give you $200 for it.
Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey.
That's a $60 profit in a day.
Let's go for it.
We're not interested.
What? They're not interested.
I'm s I'll get the car.
(all) No, no, no, Dad! Dad, it's OK.
You know, we pass.
Yeah, we're not selling.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, they pass.
What? No.
$750?! (mouths) $750?! We'll take it.
No, no, no, no! No.
We're not selling.
Well, yeah, you know, it's not just the money.
The car has, uh sentimental value.
Well, I'm sorry, yeah, it just doesn't look like there's any way they're gonna sell that car.
I mean Oh, well, OK.
Bye-bye.
Guys, I'm really proud of you.
You made an investment, you believe in it, you're gonna hang on to it.
I just hope you're not setting yourselves up for a big disappointment.
The investment's hot now, but any day it could crash.
(Randy) Nice going.
(Brad) You're the one who drove it into the thing.
But you're the one (Mark) No, you.
He ran Hello, can I help you? I was shopping in the mall, and I realized that this is the store where my boys bought their toy Indy car.
Oh, yes, I remember.
I hope they're not playing with it.
Believe me, they're definitely not playing with it.
So what can I do you for today? I was thinking about buying the three little monsters one of these baseball cards for Christmas.
What do you think about these three here? Oh, very good.
They've doubled in value since I got them.
You know, I think $40 is a little steep, according to my book here, so do you mind if I look around some more? No, please, by all means, browse.
Maybe I can find something for my husband.
What is this thing here? That's a very rare item.
It's a Swedish pancake maker signed by Bjorn Borg.
My husband loves Swedish pancakes.
Wonderful with marmalade.
Really? I never tried them like that.
That's the way Bjorn eats them.
This could be a very interesting purchase.
It's doubled in value since I got it.
If I buy the cards, how much will this cost me? $50, and I'll throw in a jar of marmalade.
I'll give you ten.
Deal, but no marmalade.
Aw.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa.
Whoa aah! Whoa!