King of the Hill s03e09 Episode Script

( sobbing ) ( "Sleighride" playing ) ( sobbing continues ) I DO LOVE CHRISTMAS.
I LIKE TO CELEBRATE THE ANNIVERSARY OF WHEN LENORE LEFT ME SEVEN YEARS AGO CHRISTMAS EVE.
BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
YUP.
WELL, THAT'S NICE, BILL.
I TELL YOU WHAT.
( voice breaking ): HOLIDAYS ARE THE LEAST LONELY TIME OF THE YEAR.
( sobbing ) ( groans ) ( nervous chuckle ) YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKE EATING A COOKIE.
BILL'S ALWAYS GOT SOME COOKIES LYING AROUND PROBABLY.
BILL? ( sniffling ) OH.
HANK.
HEY, BUDDY.
I WAS JUST CLEANING FOR BABY JESUS'S BIRTHDAY.
WELL, GOOD.
UH, I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU'LL BE COMING OVER FOR DINNER YOU KNOW, UNTIL THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER.
OH, YEAH, I'M COMING.
I'VE CLEARED MY CALENDAR RIGHT THROUGH THE END OF THE YEAR AND A GOOD CHUNK OF THE NEXT.
BILL, UH THESE OLD GIFTS AREN'T FOR LENORE, ARE THEY? NO! ( chuckles ) YES, BUT SHE'LL COME BACK AND BE HAPPY I SAVED EVERYTHING.
( sighs ): BILL, YOU'VE GOT TO FACE THE FACTS: SHE'S NOT ( whimpering ) WELL, IT'S VERY UNLIKELY THAT, UH ( sniffling ) WELL, I GUESS YOU NEVER KNOW.
FREAKISH THINGS DO HAPPEN.
YES, THEY DO.
THANK YOU.
I'VE RECEIVED A FEW MORE RESPONSES FOR OUR PARTY.
RUDY BEEKER-- YES V.
P.
ALL THIS TALK ABOUT PEOPLE MAKES ME YOU KNOW WHAT IT MAKES ME THINK ABOUT? BREAKUPS.
YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT DEAD BOYFRIEND OF YOURS? WELL I WONDER IF YOU'LL EVER FIND SOMEONE AGAIN? I MEAN, MOST PEOPLE JUST GET ONE RELATIONSHIP IN THIS LIFE.
LUANNE, HONEY CAN YOU HELP ME SERVE AT THE PARTY? YOU WERE SUCH A WONDERFUL HOSTESS LAST YEAR.
( voice quavering ): I, UH WHAT? I CAN HELP, MOM.
I'LL BE THE HOSTESS WITH THE MOSTESS.
( sighs ) ( muttering ): UH, MARY MARGARET WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT GIRL WHO DUMPED YOU, BOBBY? MARIE.
MARIE! YEAH, SHE WAS CUTE.
MAYBE WE COULD TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE, HUH? OH, YEAH.
SURE.
REMEMBER BOB CECIL, PEGGY? YOU WENT TO A BASKETBALL GAME TOGETHER? YOU LIKED HIM.
WELL, THAT WAS TENTH GRADE.
NO, I DIDN'T.
YEAH, YOU DID, BUT HE DIDN'T LIKE YOU.
UH, SHOULDN'T YOU BE DOING THIS? HE LIKES SERVING.
OH, AFTER LAST NIGHT, IT IS A MIRACLE I HAVE MY APPETITE BACK AT ALL.
I JUST DON'T SEE WHY BILL MUST RUIN ALL OF OUR DINNERS.
PERSONALLY, I COULD LIVE WITHOUT HIM.
ME, TOO.
PEGGY, A LITTLE MORE THAN 20 YEARS AGO I SET ARLEN HIGH'S SINGLE SEASON RUSHING RECORD.
SURE, I HAD LEGS LIKE A JACKRABBI BUT BILL DAUTERIVE BLOCKED FOR ME AND THE RUNNING BACK WHO FORGETS HIS FRONT LINE-- THAT'S THE MAN I WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO DINNER.
SHAME ON YOU.
SHAME ON YOU BOTH.
HERE YOU GO, DARLIN'.
COME ON.
MMM, MMM, MMM.
COME ON.
EAT UP.
SO, UH WERE THEY ALL OUT OF DOGS THERE, BILL? NO, NO.
IGUANAS ARE VERY TRENDY THESE DAYS.
YOU SEE THEM IN CIGAR BARS WITH MOVIE STARS.
COME ON.
COME ON, LENORE.
YOU NAMED IT "LENORE"? WELL, YEAH.
I THOUGHT HE LOOKED LIKE A LENORE.
I THINK HE'S JUST NOT VERY HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I MEAN, WITH SO MANY NEW PEOPLE.
SHOULD I LEAVE? THANK YOU.
DON'T WORRY.
IT'S DEAD.
I CANNOT EAT ANOTHER MEAL WITH BILL AT OUR DINNER TABLE.
WHY? BILL SEEMED A LOT HAPPIER TONIGHT.
HONEY, THAT I-GUANA IS A CRY FOR HELP-- A HISSING, DISEASE-RIDDEN CRY FOR HELP.
( doorknob twisting ) LUANNE, KNOCK! I HAD A BAD DREAM.
( gasps ): BILL? I DREAMT THA LENORE CAME BACK AND STOLE LENORE AND THAT LENORE DROVE OFF WITH LENORE AND I RAN DOWN THE STREET AFTER THEM AND I YELLED, "LENORE! LENORE!" AND THEN MY TEETH FELL OUT.
PEGGY, YOU WERE THERE.
CAN I SLEEP IN YOUR LIVING ROOM? ( sighs ): YES, BILL.
I'M GIVING YOU 24 HOURS TO GET ME OUT OF THAT MAN'S DREAMS.
SHALL WE? UH NO.
YOU NEED A MINUTE? UH, BILL, I WANT TO HAVE DINNER TONIGH JUST THE FAMILY.
YOU DON'T WANT ME COMING TO DINNER? WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE THE NIGH TO PRACTICE BEING HAPPY, OKAY? YEAH, OKAY, THAT'S FINE.
NO PROBLEM.
I LIKE EATING ALONE.
I PREFER IT, EVEN.
NO OFFENSE TO YOUR FAMILY.
OH, IT IS JUST SO WONDERFUL.
THE FOOD EVEN SMELLS BETTER.
OH, GEEZ ( shattering ) ( sighs ) ( gulping ) ( chuckling ) AND THEN THE CLINT EASTWOOD CHARACTER WOULD SAY: ( imitating Eastwood ): THAT PROPANE TANK IS EMPTY.
( laughs ) WOULDN'T THAT BE A GOOD MOVIE? "GOOD"? THAT WOULD BE A GREAT MOVIE! AND WOULD YOU DIRECT IT, UNCLE HANK? YEAH, ME, MAYBE, OR YOUR AUNT PEGGY.
DID I EVER TELL YOU-ALL ABOUT HOW THEY MADE ME DANG.
MY TEN-FOOTER'S GONE! DALE OR BILL! PROBABLY DALE! WHAT YOU DOING THERE, BILL? SATELLITE DISH TROUBLE? NO, I'M JUST UP HERE TO KILL MYSELF.
WHAT? ( groans ) NO! YOU KNOW WHO I FEEL SORRIEST FOR IN ALL THIS? BILL.
WE NEED TO FIND HIM A PSYCHIATRIST.
HE'S JUST SUICIDAL, PEGGY.
HE'S NOT CRAZY.
WE'VE JUST GOT TO WATCH HIM CONSTANTLY UNTIL HE SNAPS OUT OF IT.
I DON'T THINK BILL IS GOING TO "SNAP OUT OF IT.
" THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO BUT SIT BACK AND WATCH THE BLOODBATH.
NO! HE'S OUR FRIEND.
NOW, DALE, YOU MAKE YOUR OWN HOURS SO YOU TAKE THE DAY SHIFT.
I'LL TAKE NIGHTS.
BOOMHAUER, LATE AFTERNOON TO EARLY EVENING.
CAN I HAVE ANOTHER CODEINE, PLEASE? Dale: QUIET, BILL.
WE'RE TRYING TO DO SOMETHING HERE.
( sighs ) SO, UH HUH.
THIS SHOULDN'T BE HERE.
SO, UH, MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO GET TO BED AND TRY TO SLEEP THIS THING OFF.
ALL I DO IS SLEEP.
I GUESS I'M JUST GETTING IN PRACTICE, HUH FOR THE BIG, LONG SLEEP.
( shuddering ) COME ON, BILL.
HOW ABOUT A BEER? BEER'S A DEPRESSANT, HANK.
DON'T GO BLAMING THE BEER.
( sighs ) IT'S ELECTRIC, BILL.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S STILL GETTING PRETTY HOT.
ALL RIGHT, WE'LL DO THIS THE HARD WAY.
WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR PAJAMAS? ( grunts ) OKAY, YOU WANT BASEBALL PLAYERS OR THE HEY, WHAT'S THIS FANCY ONE? I LIKE THE WAY SILK FEELS ON MY SKIN.
SILK IS FOR PANTY HOSE, BILL.
THEY'RE ALL I GOT.
YOU'VE GOT A WIFE! PUT THEM ON.
NO.
I DON'T WANT TO.
ARM'S UP.
( mumbling ) RINSE.
( snoring ) ( grunting ) ( sighs ): DAMN IT, BILL! Dale: NUH-UH.
BUT I HAVE TO TINKLE.
NOT ON MY WATCH.
( sighs ): OH LENORE AND I USED TO COME HERE AND WATCH PEOPLE DANCE LIKE THAT.
I CAN'T KEEP THIS UP.
IT'S NOT IN MY NATURE TO CARE ABOUT OTHERS.
YEAH, MAN.
A LITTLE ROUTINE ( muttering ): NO FREE TIME.
WORK, BILL; WORK, BILL; WORK, BILL.
( muttering ): GOT A BULLET IN MY OWN HEAD, MAN.
( sighs ): OKAY.
I'LL TAKE OVER YOUR GUYS' SHIFTS.
I JUST GOT TO WORK IT OUT WITH MY BOSS.
DALE, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? NOTHING.
THAT'S BILL'S PAJAMA TOP.
HE'S AS GOOD AS DEAD.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? SIR, YOU KNOW HOW I HATE MISSING WORK DURING THE HOLIDAYS, BUT IT'S THE CHRISTMAS PARTY, RIGHT? YEAH, YOU NEED SOME TIME TO SET UP.
WELL, GET IT RIGHT.
YOU INVITED OUR WHOLE DANG CLIENT SHEET.
UH, NO.
ACTUALLY, IT CONCERNS A FRIEND OF MINE, AND WELL, IT'S A MATTER OF LIFE OR DEATH, REALLY.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
JUST WRAP IT UP ONE WAY OR T'OTHER AND HAVE DONNA XEROX YOUR VACATION DAYS.
DANG IT, BILL.
( sighs ) I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN TWO DAYS.
THIS MORNING, BILL TRIED TO DROWN HIMSELF IN THE TOILET.
SO DO YOU THINK YOU COULD FIND HIM A DATE? UH I WOULD HAVE TO INVITE A WOMAN OVER FOR DINNER AND, OF COURSE, NEVER TELL HER THAT BILL WOULD BE HERE.
THANKS, PEGGY.
THEY WON'T LET ME HAVE A KNIFE.
I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF KILLING MYSELF.
DO YOU LIKE IGUANAS, MRS.
TOBBIS? YOU LIED TO ME, PEGGY.
MR.
DAUTERIVE IS A COLLECTOR OF EXOTIC REPTILIA.
YOU COLLECT THROW PILLOWS.
I HAVE SOME PILLOWS ON MY COUCH BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME INSANE.
AND IN ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION I FIND IGUANAS TO BE FILTHY, REPULSIVE CREATURES.
WHY, I THINK WE ALL COULD USE A BATH.
( gasping ) WELL, WHEN IT'S YOUR OWN YOU ARE A GROSS MAN.
SHELIA! MARRY ME! BILL! OH, THIS IS SO EXCITING! I JUST WANT MY COAT.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET ME MY COAT! ALLOW ME.
LENORE! DON'T LEAVE ME! SHEILA, I SHOULD TELL YOU RIGHT NOW I HAVE ALREADY GIVEN HIM YOUR NUMBER.
( grunting ) DALE! HE WOULD HAVE WANTED ME TO HAVE IT.
HE'S STILL ALIVE.
NIT-PICKING AIN'T GOING TO BRING HIM BACK.
( sobbing ) HELP ME HANK, HELP ME.
HELP ME LOOK FOR LENORE.
BILL, CAN'T YOU SEE THAT THIS WHOLE LENORE THING IS YOUR PROBLEM? THE IGUANA, THESE PRESENTS, THIS OLD TREE-- GET RID OF THIS STUFF! NO! NO, I COULDN'T.
I COULDN'T.
SEE, WHEN-WHEN SHE COMES BACK SHE'S NEVER COMING BACK.
IT'S SO OBVIOUS.
SHE DOESN'T WANT THIS STUPID STOCKING.
NO! OR WHATEVER'S IN THIS BOX.
( falsetto ): NO.
OR THIS! OR THIS! NO.
THERE.
( exhaling ) ( sighing ) YOU FEEL OKAY? I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING.
GREAT.
I KNEW YOU'D SNAP OUT OF THIS.
UH SURE YOU'RE OKAY? ( monotone ): YES.
GOOD.
( chuckling ): NOW I CAN TELL YOU YOU WERE ACTING PRETTY WEIRD THERE.
YES.
OKAY, THEN.
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
I WAS REALLY HARD ON HIM BUT IT WAS ALL FOR THE BEST.
CAN YOU IMAGINE IF HE'D SHOWN UP AT OUR PARTY WITH LENORE? WELL, ARE YOU SURE HE'S OKAY? I ASKED HIM TWICE.
WELL, THERE'S THAT LIZARD.
HEY! HEY, WHO ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN BILL'S BACKYARD? ( hoarse falsetto ): HANK, DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE ME? I'M LENORE.
WHAT IS GOING ON? WELL, I'M JUST WASHING A DRESS FOR YOUR BIG PARTY, SILLY.
BILL, TAKE OFF THE DRESS.
( voice cracking ): WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING ME BILL? MY NAME IS LENORE, SILLY.
I'VE COME BACK BECAUSE I LOVE BILL SO MUCH AND I REALLY MISSED HIM.
NO, UH-UH.
THIS IS TOO MUCH.
IN HIGH SCHOOL, YOU BLOCKED FOR ME BUT I DID MY JOB, TOO.
I RAN THROUGH THE HOLE SETTING ARLEN HIGH'S SINGLE-SEASON RUSHING RECORD AS YOU RECALL.
AND NOW HERE I AM BLOCKING FOR YOU, BUT YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT KIND OF GAME YOU'RE PLAYING.
MAYBE SOME KIND OF CRAZY TENNIS.
HANK! OKAY, THEN.
NICE VISITING WITH YOU.
SEE YOU AT THE PARTY.
NO! NO, YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY PARTY! NO PARTY.
YOU GOT THAT? I'M ALREADY INVITED.
SO THERE! OH, HELLO! DO YOU GENTLEMEN THINK YOU COULD SPARE A BEER FOR A LADY? COME ON, YOU KNOW YOU'RE BILL.
NO, NO, I DON'T KNOW THAT.
I'M-I'M LENORE.
WELL, IF YOU'RE LENORE, THEN WHERE'S BILL, HUH? UH, BILL'S IN THE HOUSE.
YOU WANT ME TO GO GET HIM? I'M SKEPTICAL THAT YOU COULD, YET INTRIGUED THAT YOU MAY.
BILL'S BEEN ACTING A LITTLE WEIRD LATELY, DON'T YOU THINK? MAYBE IT'S ME.
UH, BILL'S BUSY.
( clearing throat ) I NEEDED A WRAP.
IT'S CHILLY.
YUP! ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT! Peggy: HONEY, YOU'RE PEELING IN ANGER.
YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET MORE THAN ONE FRENCH FRY OUT OF A WHOLE IDAHO.
YEAH, MAYBE I AM ANGRY.
I USED MY VACATION DAYS BATHING THE SON OF A BITCH AND HE THREATENS TO CRASH MY CHRISTMAS PARTY.
HE'S NOT BEING AN INGRATE ON PURPOSE.
THE ONLY WAY THAT BILL COULD GET LENORE BACK WAS TO BECOME HER.
MM-HMM.
I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF THERE WAS SOME PSYCHOLOGICAL BASIS TO IT.
Luanne: WELL I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PSYCHOLOGY BUT IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE MR.
DAUTERIVE NEEDS CLOSURE.
HE NEEDS TO REALIZE THAT LENORE IS NEVER COMING BACK AND HE NEEDS TO JUST MOVE ON WITH HIS LIFE.
IT'S THE SAME THING BUCKLEY'S ANGEL TOLD ME.
WELL, BUCKLEY'S ANGEL IS THE ONLY ONE MAKING SENSE.
( gasps ) HOW ABOUT I INVITE THE REAL LENORE TO THE PARTY AND JUST SETTLE THIS THING ONCE AND FOR ALL? OH, I HOPE IT WORKS BUT IF THEY SHOW UP IN THE SAME DRESS IT'LL BE A DISASTER.
LISTEN, HANK, WE GOT ALL OUR CLIENTS HERE.
BIG FISH, LITTLE FISH.
SO IF YOU SEE SOME LITTLE FISH CORNERING ME IT'S YOUR JOB TO PULL ME OUT.
WE SHOULD TREAT ALL OUR CLIENTS LIKE BIG FISH, MR.
STRICKLAND.
YEAH, GOOD.
SAVE THAT FOR THE LITTLE FISH.
Hank: DAMN IT! ( gasps ) MAY I OFFER YOU A HOMEMADE TATER-TOT, MR.
AND MRS.
DAUTERIVE? WHY, THANKS.
WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE, HANK? I ORDERED A SANTA.
THIS IS SOME KIND OF MISTAKE.
BILL, GET OUT.
LENORE.
BILL! I WANT TO STAY AND MINGLE.
LENORE, WHO IS ME, SURE DOES LOVE A PARTY.
PARTY, PARTY.
PHONE CALL FOR YOU, MOM.
HELLO? LENORE? HOLD ON.
BILL, IT'S THE REAL LENORE.
( gasps ) WHAT? OH, HONEY, BUT YOU HAVE TO COME BY.
OKAY.
HOW ABOUT I HAND BILL THE PHONE? IT WOULD REALLY HELP WELL, IF YOU COULD JUST TELL HIM YOU SEND YOUR LOVE THAT YEAH, SURE.
NO, I UNDERSTAND.
NEVER MIND, BILL.
( whimpering ) Man 1: MY GOD, LOOK AT THAT GUY.
Woman: IS THIS A JOKE? 'CAUSE IF IT IS, I DON'T GET IT.
Man 2: HE'S A FREAK.
I TELL YOU WHAT, MAN.
IT'S GETTING UGLY IN HERE, MAN.
( speaking gibberish ) BILL IN THAT DRESS.
GONNA GET THAT ASS WHUP ON HIM.
( whimpering continues ) GO BACK TO HOLLYWOOD.
THIS ISN'T THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION.
YOU CRASHED THE WRONG PARTY, HONEY.
Man: HEY, THIS IS STRICKLAND PROPANE.
WE DON'T NEED YOUR KIND.
Hank: WHOO! ( chuckling ) YEAH, NOW WE'RE HAVING FUN.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S THAT KIND OF PARTY.
( weak chuckle ) ANYTHING GOES.
EXTRA FUN.
WHOO! HANK, THIS WASN'T ON MY INVITATION.
DID YOU MAKE BILL A SPECIAL INVITATION? STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT.
WELL, OKEYDOKEY.
EVERYONE, LET'S PLAY BOGGLE, HUH? IT'S NOT USUALLY PLAYED WITH SUCH A LARGE GROUP BUT IT'S CHRISTMAS, SO LET'S SING A SONG.
( sobbing ): STOP TEASING ME! BILL, I AM LENORE AND I DON'T LOVE YOU.
NO, HANK.
I'M LENORE.
I'VE LEFT YOU FOREVER BECAUSE YOU'RE LAZY AND NO GOOD.
LENORE WE FIGHT SO LOUD, ALL THE NEIGHBORS CAN HEAR.
WE FIGHT DURING THE DAY, WE FIGHT DURING THE NIGHT.
W-WE LENORE.
WAIT, WE CAN WORK STUFF OUT.
I'M A GOOD HUSBAND.
BILL, IF I WANTED TO WORK THINGS OU I WOULD HAVE CALLED.
I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE.
THAT'S IT.
I DON'T LOVE YOU.
THAT'S ALL? THAT'S WHY YOU LEFT? IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT? AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE COURTESY TO SEND ME A "DEAR JOHN" LETTER? WELL, I TELL YOU WHAT.
I CONSIDER THAT RUDE.
AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING-- I AM WORTH A "DEAR JOHN" LETTER.
I'LL TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.
AND THERE ARE A LOT OF WOMEN WHO WOULD AGREE WITH ME.
SO, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GO AHEAD.
YOU GET OUT.
GET OUT! YOU DON'T DESERVE WILLIAM FONTAIN DE LA TOUR DAUTERIVE! OKAY, BILL.
THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING THEN.
I HIT ROCK-BOTTOM THERE, DIDN'T I, HANK? AND HARD.
THEN IT'S ALL UPHILL FROM NOW ON.
YEP.
THE WIND'S AT YOUR BACK, BUDDY.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
GIH ( voice cracking ): WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING ME BILL?