Married with Children s03e09 Episode Script

It was a nice funeral, wasn't it, Al? Come on, honey.
Come on.
He's dead, Peg.
He's dead.
What am I gonna do now? Oh, easy, Al.
Nobody lives forever.
I thought he would.
He had a nice full life.
Now, be strong, Al.
You're just gonna have to face the fact.
Your barber is dead.
Why did it have to be him, who meant so much to so many? Why couldn't it have been somebody nobody would have missed, a wretch of a human being? Why couldn't it have been your mother? Well, I'm sure there's still someone alive who can cut all 12 of your remaining hairs for a buck and a quarter.
It wasn't the money, Peg.
Tony knew my hair, and he cared.
Remember that time I had that bad case of dandruff in '83? Yeah, I remember.
The whole family gathered some coal and a carrot, and we made Frosty the Dandruff Man.
Tony was there to hold my hand through that rough time.
Going to Tony was a family tradition.
My father went to him.
I went to him.
I took Bud to him till the other kids started calling him "Bud the Bowl Head.
" It broke my heart when Bud refused to go.
I had to tell Tony Bud died.
We wept together.
That's the kind of guy Tony was.
Everybody loved him.
Sorry I'm late, but I wanted to wait till they packed the dirt over the old butcher.
That old butcher cried when you died, Bud.
I'll bet he did.
Who else would let him put a cereal bowl on their head while he said, "I'm a-gonna make you look like Sinatra.
" Bud, your father's right.
We should show a little respect, even for the hated dead, and like my mother said when I married your father, "If you can't feel it, fake it.
" Yeah, and if you don't care anymore, marry it.
Now, I'd like a moment of silence for my barber.
Excuse me.
Amen.
Well, now that Tony's worm food, I can get out of these funeral clothes.
Oh, Dad, you know how I've been bothering you about a sports car? Well, forget it.
I want a hearse.
I was just cruising around the cemetery with Boris, the driver.
Oh, God, was it cool.
On Friday night, he's taking me out and promised to have a real dead body in it But Mom said it's wrong to use a guy for his hearse, so can I have one of my own, please? Well, Al, she has been doing better in school.
Why am I thinking they buried the wrong guy? Cheer up, honey.
Your day will come.
And when it does, you'll be glad we have that hearse.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Al, I know you were at a funeral and all, so this might be a bad time to bring this up, but did you happen to come into our yard in the middle of the night and steal all our roses? Steve, I've never been so insulted in my life.
Well, then I guess this isn't your watch.
So who died? A close family member? No, worse.
My barber.
It hit me pretty hard, too.
Now, who am I going to get to cut my hair? Well, why don't you just do what you do with your lawn? Park your car on it, and let it die.
Thanks, Marce, but much like the hair on your legs, I need the help of a trained professional.
Look, Al, why don't you just go to my barber? Well, thanks, Steve, but I still care how I look.
Dad, why don't you just go to Kelly's guy, Mr.
Albino? Or you could always go to Bud's guy at the Pimple Emporium.
Ask for Mr.
Squeeze-It.
Look how I live.
Come on, Al, the kids'll think you're serious.
Honey, you're making a big thing over nothing.
Usually, you're a big thing who makes nothing.
Anyway, you can get your hair cut anywhere.
There are thousands of stylists in this city.
Yeah, stylists.
I want a barber with a barber pole, with a little dog that lays on the floor and scratches and bites at his fleas.
Where am I going to see a sight like that again, Peg? Look next to me while I'm sleeping.
Al, why don't you just find some guy with good hair and ask him where he gets it cut? Sure, I'll compliment him on his great hair, and then he'll compliment me on my bedroom eyes, and we'll live together and make terrariums.
I'm going upstairs to be alone with my grief.
Well, make sure to pull up the Air Wick.
Well, I gave Buck a nice big dish of water.
Now I'm gonna take him for a walk on Tony's grave.
He didn't get to go to the funeral, but I know he wants to say goodbye in his own special way.
He's quite a little guy, isn't he? Gee, Al seems to be taking this pretty badly.
Death is something you're never really prepared for.
Well, it does make you think.
I mean, one minute, you're in perfect health, and then the next minute, poof! Al's dead.
Gee, and I'd be left with no income and no insurance.
What would I do? Get a job? No, I said, what would I do? I mean, of course I would remarry, but that could take up to nine months and what if Al didn't die till I was in my 40s? Then where would I be? Well, thank God Steve cares enough to get insurance.
Why, he's worth more dead than he is alive.
Well, so is Al.
You know, what with food stamps and welfare and all.
How much is yours worth dead? A cool mill.
Wow.
What I could do with a million dollars.
Hey, Marcy, knowing he's worth that much, have you ever, late at night while he's sleeping, thought about But all this is pie in the sky.
Peggy, you really should get insurance for Al.
Uh, honey I thought I was only insured for $250,000.
Steve, please.
This is girl talk.
I know an insurance group that not only will insure you over the phone, but will also raise your coverage without your husband even knowing.
I thought we were going to discuss things that affect us both.
This doesn't affect you, Steve.
You'll be dead.
Anyhow, Peggy, all you need is for Al to give a sample of his blood and urine, and you're home.
Hmm.
Well, the urine would be easy.
I could just put a little cup five feet from the bowl But the blood is gonna be tough.
I could use a million, though.
We all could.
Well, we have to go.
Steve has to sweep out the gutters, and I'm going to hold the ladder for him.
Uh I love you, Marcy.
That's nice, dear.
"First name," Al.
"Last name," Bundy.
"Sex," not worth mentioning.
Peg, the darnedest thing when I woke up, my neck was bleeding And there was a-- There was a jar between my legs.
Well, uh, maybe you dreamt you were making preserves.
Yeah, that must be it.
Peg, who am I gonna get to cut my hair? I called all my friends last night.
What did he say? He said, "Yeah, I'm still in San Quentin for killing the wife, but it was worth it.
" And the rest of them said that they're gonna start going tosalons.
Hey, Peg, these are plumbers, construction workers, auto mechanics.
Oh, unlike you, skilled illiterates.
Come on, honey.
What's wrong with going to salons? Do they have regular checker games in salons, Peg? Do they run the numbers in salons, Peg? Will they laugh in a salon when you say "What do women and dog doody have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
" Would they, Peg? Probably not, Al.
Then I'm not going, and I'll tell you something else.
I need a place that'll cut my nose hair.
Tony would.
He was the greatest.
He'd really get in there.
Will a salon cut my nose hair, Peg? Probably not, Al.
Then I'm not going.
Then what are you gonna do, Al? Die broke, Peg, but first I'm find a barber, a real man, a man who likes girls but hates women.
Look at him, kids.
He's worth a million dollars.
Get a haircut, Al.
I'm not getting a haircut until I find a barber.
It's time, Al.
Last night you were snoring, and your nose hairs were going in and out like a trombone.
I'm afraid one day they're gonna reach out and suck in one of the kids.
Don't you think I want to get a haircut, Peg? Do you think I like fat guys in granny glasses asking me if I like the new Dead album? But I'm trying to make a statement here.
I'm saying, "Let's not let the barber disappear.
" God knows they've taken everything else away from us in the so-called name of progress.
They take the pinball machine, give you video games.
What do I care if a monkey can make it to the top of a building? Unless he's up there to throw off his wife, it doesn't matter to me.
I want flippers.
I want steel balls, and I want my barber, damn it! Is he brain-dead? Because we just might be able to collect.
And cartoons.
Has anybody here seen cartoons lately? No, we're grown up, Dad.
Well, I have, and they stink.
Peg, remember when a mouse could hit a cat over the head with a frying pan and flatten his head? Now you know what they do? They go into therapy and talk it out and you know who's to blame? Women and pacifists, and you know where they go to make my life miserable? Salons! Come on, family, can't you get behind old Dad on this one? Well, we can't get in front of you.
Your nose hairs would spear us.
That's it! Now, I never thought this would happen to me.
Life has taken everything else away from me.
I quit.
That's it.
I'm going to a salon.
Wherever Tony is, I hope they buried him face down so he never has to live to see my shame because Al Bundy Is gonna get washed and blown.
Hi.
Come in.
Come in.
What can we do for you? [YELLS.]
Ooh, a first-timer.
Now, sit down.
Relax.
Someone will be with you in a minute.
So, what do you think about those Bears? Well, if people wouldn't feed them, they wouldn't raid the campsites.
Yeah, that's what I think about the White Sox.
[PASSES GAS.]
Hi.
You get your hair done here too? Ever since I could find an old man to pay for it.
Do you like it? Oh, yes.
Are you rich? No.
Oh.
Hi.
I'm Murphy.
What can I do for you? Do you know how to dance in a cage? I mean, no, I need a haircut.
Well, come with me.
That's a nice place you got there.
Now, my old barber used to charge a buck-25.
How much are you guys? $60.
No, seriously.
Ooh, aren't we woolly? Yeah, you guys really aren't $60, are you? Well, you know our motto, "People are suckers.
" Oops.
I'm not supposed to say that to the customers.
Oh, well.
Just relax.
Leave your head in our hands.
We'll start with a nice scalp massage.
Alrighty.
My name's Bundy.
Al Bundy.
Oh, that's good.
Hey, you know, it was funny.
I was kind of worried coming over here.
Well, you know, not being a sissy or anything, If I'd have known you were-- If I'd have known you were going to be doing me, I'd have been here years ago.
I wish you would have said that when I was single.
Mom, how long do we have to sit here in the dark? Until your father comes out of the bushes.
He won't come in the house unless he thinks we're sleeping.
Well, what if he looks like a geek? Can we laugh? Kelly, he's your father.
Of course we can.
Oh, shh! I think I smell him coming.
[GRUNTS.]
Well, how do you like it? You look like a fruit, Al.
Thanks, Peg.
Pretty cool, Dad.
It gives you that "no closet can hold me" look.
Now, leave Dad alone.
You're still going to wear men's clothing, aren't you? Oh, honey, we're just teasing.
You look fantastic.
Doesn't he, kids? Great.
Yummy.
See? It's unanimous.
By the way, your nose hairs look somehow longer.
They moussed them But they wouldn't cut them.
The important thing is, I, uhI feel cool.
Good night.
Some, uh Some sex tonight, Peg? No, thanks.
Hi, guys.
Sorry I'm late, but I had a rinse, mousse, and protein pack.
Hey, man.
Watch that cigar, man.
You're gonna get smoke in my hair And Mr.
Freddy says it's hell on my conditioner, man.
Mr.
Luscious won't let me put on my construction hat.
It ruins the integrity of the cut.
[BELCHES.]
You look good, Al.
Yeah, we're studs.
So, what are we gonna do tonight, put on our baby dolls, drink a few beers, and give each other spankings? How about shooting some pool? No, no, the severity of the neon will ruin the highlights in my hair.
Bowling? No, we'd get beat up.
Well, what can we do that won't put any stress on our hair? We could go see La Cage aux Folles.
It's really a fine play.
You're a plumber, Louie.
I was never really comfortable as a plumber.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Louie, excuse us a second.
[ALL CLICKING TONGUES.]
Look at-- This is a mess.
Look, it's all over for Louie, and, Russ, you're slipping But we got a chance.
Here's what we got to do-- We go out and find a fire hydrant.
We turn that sucker on.
We stick our heads in the hole and wash the gay away.
You mean go outside without nets? I think we better hurry, and afterwards, no matter how long it takes, we find a barber, a real barber.
Let's go.
Louie, come on.
We're going dancing.
I want a steak.
I want beer.
I want a woman.
I'm not dressed for dancing.
Well, kids, your daddy's worthless again.
The insurance company found out he was a shoe salesman.
They refused to cover him because of the high suicide rate.
So, in other words, dead or alive, we still starve.
Then, why do we keep him? Without him, we'd have to get jobs and Buck seems to like him.
Where is Dad? Oh, he and the rest of the think tank are out searching for a barber.
Mom, you can be square with me.
I mean, I know Kelly is Dad's natural daughter but me, I was just some one-night stand with a cool guy, right? I heard that.
I'm not Dad's, either.
Are too.
Am not.
Are too.
Am not.
Kids, stop that! You're both Daddy's kids.
Peg, I did it! I found a barber But not just any barber.
I found Tony's dad in Cicero.
He's 97 and half-blind, but he taught Tony everything he knows.
He even trimmed my nose hairs.
Look.
Look.
Now, that's old-world craftsmanship right there.
Now, I know you think I'm crazy, but there's nothing like going to a real barber.
Even though his hand shakes a little.
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